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Life is an adventure but Life doesn't come with user manuals for everything. School subjects do little to prepare us. Its no wonder we all need helpful advice sometimes. Blessings to you!

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So, I applied for this hard core fancy school I guess and I really just joined to make my mom proud and i felt obligated in a way. In my heart, I do not think I am eligible for the school’s system and will not pass the test they require. On the same day of the test, I have a volleyball tournament and I missed on the week before and feel I will lose playtime or even my position. It may sound self fish or that I put sports over education but I am just very confused. I don’t know what I should do and could really used advice.

Some parenting are controlling and others, while not controlling, in their want of the best for you, will act extremely pushy to steer you in a direction they feel is best and be tempted to make decisions or lets call it very strong suggestions since they fear you may be too young yet to make good ones on your own. To some extent, this is scientifically true with scientists proving that the pre frontal lobe of the brain responsible for good decision making isn't fully mature until your reach your mid twenties or a bit later. So decision making can be compromised.

I am guessing your parents are supportive and love you lots and only want the best for you. Your decision to do this to make Mom proud is a good thing, wanting to make her proud. You simply chose something that you don't like. The best is making your parents proud by accomplishing more with your life than they ever did, using your talents, doing a job you love so you live your life being passionate about your work. You CAN make the parents proud of you by choosing a path you really want to be one, not one you take reluctantly. The reluctant path will cause you to not really put your heart into whatever it is so you don't do as well or succeed at all and that will cause them to not feel pride in what you are doing. I have pride in my children for simple things, and simply because they do these things really well. Without prompting from me, I watch one daughter raising her child doing the same things that I did, natural nurturing nature, and she is doing it so well, that I am proud of her. Another is dedicated to her job in a metaphysical book store gift shop, has control of the ordering of new things to try for the childrens section of the store, and is now a Yoga instructor and does really well there and in her musical abilities. Neither has made a fortune or gone to college. But I am very proud of them.
On another note, as far as qualifying for the school, even if your grades and such make you qualify, if this is the kind of school that wants to hear from you in person or in a letter as to why you want to attend there, they have to be convinced this is something you really want, to attend their college. So you may fail on that one note, if in your heart, you do not really wish to even attend the school at all.

As for volleyball, don't guess as to what will happen if you miss time again. The best thing is to call your coach and let them know you are very interested in still playing but that you have a test for the entrance into the college you applied at, that is if you still want to go If you have changed your mind, then call the college and cancel with them. Your coach will be understanding and let you know if not attending for this reason will drop playtime in the next game but it shouldn't threaten your position if you are good at it and have a passion for the game. Good players are important to your coach, players who have the time. If going to college is going to affect your ability to play on this team, I wonder if you have checked out college where you can play volleyball at. Plenty of students get into college because they play a sport in the name of that college. The worst then would be having to quit the team you are on and starting on the one in the college that you choose.
Rather than just attending a school to say you've done it, is there any degree you want to go after? If you don't even have any particular desire, then going just to please the parents will put tons of stress on you. You could suffer from stress related sicknesses and illness after some time too, with tension headaches being the most common, ulcers too or rashes, migraines and such as lesser common and I suffered all in a stressful time of my life. Do not worry about disappointing your Mom. Mom is perhaps going to have trouble adjusting from being a parent of a minor to a parent of an adult child. Most parents have trouble with it and don't always say and do the right things. She needs to take herself and her wishes out of the loop and think about what it right for you, or the best life experiences for now to help you make some of your future decisions. A parent like this will know all your talents and be suggesting possible vocations in which your natural talents will shine and you can still earn a decent living. They will build you up, not want to tear down all your ideas. Most of all, they stop teaching you and become your sounding board for advice. You won't likely listen to only what I say because right now at your age, this is time where you need to gather information from several sources and the parents are usually the best. IF they know you are going to follow only that what your heart is into, they will want your happiness. Even if it doesn't measure up to what they wished for in their minds, they will want to help give advice so you can make the better decision based off all the advice you collect. Your life is just starting, their adult life is almost half way over. So don't let what they never accomplished be something you feel pressured into doing for them so they can live their dreams through your life. They need to live their dreams through their own life and you follow and live your dreams to the best of your ability.

You might have a talk with Mom. Let her know how you feel and that you are in the process of collecting insights from other people as well and will make a decision after you feel you have enough information to decide what you want to do for a vocation let alone with school to attend.

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My mother gets angry very easily, and yells and screams at me and my younger brother almost every day, although it is more often at me. I did do something wrong, but it is often very trivial (or at least I think so), like me leaving my sweater on the floor and forgetting to pick it up. She often says derogatory things to me, things like, "You don't deserve this", or "When you grow up, you'll become a stupid, useless, lazy person." She gets in my face a lot, but it has never escalated to anything physical. However, there are times when she is kind, and although she never apologizes for screaming at me, it's not like I have a bad life. My family is well-off, and I'm grateful for that so I feel a little guilty writing this. I know she cares, but it's getting a little too much to handle her moods. Even when me and my mother are having a normal conversation, it often quickly escalates to her yelling at me or calling me fat or telling me my future is going nowhere. I want to know, does this count as verbal abuse?

Yes hon, that is verbal abuse. I lived through it myself so I should know. Although in my case, it wasn't a parent but the man I married. I don't know your age. I assume you still live at home since you are a minor or are older but choose to stay for the financial stability. In this case, you can't have both, as in no verbal abuse and financial stability. You have to pick which is more important to you. I will share that after too many years of such abuse, that it eventually being stressful, will affect your physical or mental health. I had a faith in God and that kept my mind safe but my stress went into every stress related issue, sickness or disease there is, headaches, migraines, body rashes, stomach ulcers, not healing well from injury, and it was a matter of time before stress created a heart attack or cancer. Besides other causes, prolonged stress is one cause of those two. I heard in prayer that if I did not leave in four years, at one point later on, that I would be dead from one of the two. I wanted very much to witness my adult children marry and become a grandma. So I decided that I had to think of myself first. There is no knight in shining armor who will rescue me, I had to do it and I did. I heard one person call me selfish and that hon is so far from the truth. You may not be religious but my best example is the scripture about loving ones neighbor as you love yourself. People stop at the love your neighbor part and focus on being receptive and caring about all humans you come across. That is actually backwards. The part about loving yourself has to come before being able to love anyone else. I learned this eventually. SO it is not selfish to be thinking of your own welfare when it comes to any kind of abuse. It is actually a must. I was shocked to learn that I didn't love myself 100% because of one thing, I was allowing myself to be abused this way by staying in my situation. I was an adult. I suspect you are not yet an adult but you can do something, you can talk to a counselor at school or school nurse. You give them the details as you gave me. They hear this stuff all the time and won't be shocked. They can help get help for your parents and most likely will contact a Child Protective service on your behalf. If there are siblings affected also, its best to give them a fighting chance to also have more normal lives. Don't be scared that your Mom or parents will be in trouble. I have such an experience with extended family and CPS. These days, they will do whatever they can to help the parent take care of what their problems are, become rehabilitated so the children can be returned to them. They only put kids in temporary foster care while parents area going through what ever it is they need. In my case, it is parents I know who both have severe mental health issues. Even with that, they got psych evaluations, parent training, anger management classes and whatever else was deemed as needed and then the kids returned. It didn't take but a handful of months. In some cases, the children are never removed from the home, but the parents still get help.

If anyone doesn't take you seriously when you mention this at school, all you have to say is that it is affecting your ability to do good at school, studying and in other areas of life. In school, if a childs ability to be a good student is being affected by something bad with the home life, they do take attention.
I hope this has helped you. If the parents never get much better, then you may want to make plans to start working as soon as you turn 18 and are a adult and can move out on your own. Find several kids who also want their independence and rent an apt. together. Getting away from your stress is more important because an eventually dead you, from the stress is not preferable to staying and starting college out of HS. You can always start college later or go to a trade school that takes less time and has a lack of employable trained people to fill empty job positions compared to the medical field or law field.

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Since February last year, I was engaged to a man I got to know through my parents and some mutual friends of them. And my parents were initially happy about this proposal (The proposal came in November 2017). However, after getting to know the guy and his family, and the differences between us, my parents became a bit hostile and negative towards him and his family but they did not do so very openly. It was more behind their back, telling me all the bad things, but they treated them very well on the front and have always given the boy and his family much more than they have given us. However, it all started to harmonize at a point even though there were tons of communication issues especially with setting the wedding date (Me and the boy wanted earliest as possible, same with his family, but my parents wanted as far away as possible) but the boys family gave in, in the end after a very toxic discussion that was bad for both my family and his. While all of these things have been going on, a lot of new information about the boy and his family has emerged from random people, and my parents have not closed their ears at all. They let their negativity get a hold of them and they involved so many different people into this and turned them equally negative. After we finally started planning the wedding, my parents took a step back in September last year and suddenly started to ignore the calls of the other party and they did not talk to me either, treated me like I was some kind of polluted air, but I heard from my relatives that my parents were looking to end the engagement and were waiting on me to agree with them. But I never agreed. Because even though this started of as an arranged marriage, me and the guy have fallen deeply in love and we have connected on so many platforms that losing him has never been an option for me. As soon as I got the news of what my parents intentions were, I tried, desperately, to sit down and talk to them and begged them to talk to me and listen to my arguments, but they didn't. They got stuck on their idea of the guy and his family being so bad for me that they would never treat me good in the future, they will oppress me, they will destroy my wishes and hopes and take my family ties away, etc. While all of this was happening, the boys family tried to communicate with my family multiple times because they were in the dark and did not know what happened. They asked my parents multiple times to sit down and talk things through, but my parents refused. In the midst of this all, three of our close relatives died, and my mum who in general has a very weak health became weaker and more and more negative. She ended up in the hospital multiple times. I have struggled so much to get through to my parents and they have been using external parties to try to convince me. I have been treated like a cirkus animal. People who never let anyone have anything to say in their life, have been trying to destroy my life. One of my uncles who promised me to help me, cornered me one day and shouted and yelled at me about how bad I was that I was in love with a guy like N and how bad he is for me and for the reputation of our entire familytree. He said that me moving on with this relationship would result in my mum's death and no one ever opening their doors for me ever again. He continued this mental assault until I gave in, in December last year, to end this engagement. But I never wanted to do it and I managed to persuade my ex-fiancee to give me another chance. He has been giving me that for a long time now, and is asking me to either persuade my parents, or to move out and marry him in hiding. And he refuses to give me anymore softer options because he is tired of the past months of drama with him and his family being so patient and trying every soft option without result. He says that I have not prooved myself to actually do what I say earlier (I promised him to never end this but did so), hence he refuses to believe me when I tell him all the time that I will only marry him no matter how long it takes. He says he wants to see action and not words. He has given me until this friday, but I don't know what to do... I can't just pack up and leave because my mum is sick and sensitive and the smallest tension can be fatal for her (she has a heart disease), but I don't want to lose the love of my life either. My parents don't know that I am still talking to him, and I have told them so many times how destroyed I am because of everything they did to me and how they have been pressurizing me so much over the years that I am not able to do anything. They have been the best parents to and I have always been an easy child always doing things by the book, not rebeling or anything. But I finally feel like rebelling or asking for my happiness but they refuse to listen. I don't know what to do. I am pressurized from both sides and most of all I feel like taking my own life, but I am even to scared to do that... I can't get through to anyone and I am so confused. I can't lose N, he has been the best thing for me in forever and he gives me everything I need without me asking. I have a troubled past with a lot of issues that have taken a toll on me but he is helping me so well... but then there are my parents... I don't know what to do... my entire life is on halt :'( There is so much back and forth to this story, but this is the essential =/ I don't have people to talk to either...

Glad you added the last part, description of what the supposed problems are with the young mans parents.
Sounds like if they truly try to meddle, and control their childrens lives and treat daughter in laws terribly, then both of you have the same kinds of parents. I had to say it hon, but it is true, that your parents are very stubborn and acting like children by using someone else now to sending messages back and forth to you rather than talking straight to you.
Here's the questions I get...you have seen his parents treat his brothers this way. Are they not trying to do the same to him? I am sure they have. Controlling parents don't skip over a child and choose whom they will control. I will give you a clue, it is in this part you shared: "but my fiancee was very different in his ways of behaving and much more independent even though he and his mum are super close."
You say he is different and he acts more independant. That is the difference. As hard as it will be to hear, I must explain that a controlling parent can not control a child who is unwilling to give control of their life over to them. Such a child will maybe listen to the parents rant and rave and after they are done, thank them for caring so much but saying I do not choose to follow your wishes and will choose my own path. At the point the parents protest and start to talk of things like disowning you, shutting you out of their lives, placing whatever other threats over ones head simply because the child refuses to cave in, a strong adult child will not cave in and let them have what they want. So while he may be doing better, I have a feeling that your boyfriend is not really doing much better than you because he is willing to pick and choose what areas he will only his parents to control, only maybe he only pretends to agree with them to keep them quiet. There are two problems, the parents for both of you being controlling and the both of you caving in to the pressure, at least, on his part to some degree. He doesn't want to lose his family which if the allegations of the one daughter in law are true, are a bad thing for you. If you were married and they treated you badly, then likely he would not stand up to them and do what he could to protect you, including leaving his family, disowning them and the two of you making it on your own, possibly never seeing family again.
At your age, it is high time to start retraining your parents, and him to do more of it.

Now why would a woman married to a son of theirs make up something if it wasn't true? There may be some truth but if her husband is being controlled by his parents and he is too fearful of losing them forever due to opposing them and standing up for her, well, I'd say that enough reason to want to rock the boat and say something, especially if she is not totally happy with her husband because of this flaw. It doesn't make a woman feel valued by her husband. So unless you have witnessed the treatment of daughter in laws in a poor manner by the future in laws, then you can not 100% believe that. YOu only said you witnessed the parents ruling their sons lives. If his family is rich, a son might choose to give control of their life away to the parents in hopes that they will continue to be financially helped by the parents, or inherit their wealth. If there is no such reason as wealth making them choose their parents over their own wishes, then thats on them. You can only decide what you will do. Your fiancee to be has told you that. You are too gullible because I know from how you wrote that you believe if you leave, that will cause Mom to die. You believed it would be your fault as some person was told to tell you. She will die of heart disease no matter what. Even if you did not exist, it is the life she has chosen to live as well as health choices she made or failed to make, maybe a hereditary trait in her family, but either way, pure time itself, will eventually bring about her death. If an argument with her husband, or anger at a friend cause her to have an attack and die, then it is due to her own choices, how does that make husband or friend not the cause of death but you would be? Who knows, maybe your Dad would never blame himself. I do know that your parents attitudes are more likely what is affecting her heart over her entire life. One obvious one is controlling other people, being two faced and pretending to like a person to their face but saying lots of crap about them behind their backs, and though you believe them to be good parents, in fact they have not been, yes you love them but you also share they have been treating you badly for years, pressuring you your entire life probably to be or act a certain way. When you choose to do this, and i did it was my ex husband when I married at 20. I did it to please him, not realizing that I would lose sense of who I really was. Another thing I learned as I got older is that when one person is forced to change who they are to be the perfect spouse, friend, or child, then eventually resentment can crop up. Most would resent to the point of being willing to end the relationship for life, even a child no longer seeing the parents. A few instead of taking such a drastic stand, would rather kill themselves to escape the resentment they have that the life they live is not one they chose for themselves, have little to no love or pride in their self. The stress of living such a life, may not show right now but stress over the years that doesn't go away, will eventually have to go somewhere. In your Moms position, whether stress that happened to her or stress she chose to create for herself by acting certain ways and causing problems where there didn't have to be any, either way, it goes into physical or mental health. I am walking proof of that. I eventually left my ex but in the 30 years with him, my daily stress over his treatment of me, all verbal abuse, had to go somewhere. Not bad at first, just having daily tension headaches, then some migraines, all over body itchy stress rash, stomach ulcers. In the end even cancer and heart illnesses can have stress as a possible cause if there is no other. The other route is the stress going towards mental health. So this is as much about you surviving and being a Mom and grandma someday, as it is about you being controlled because you never stood up to them or tried feebly once and gave up.
You have to decide as the boyfriend said whether you will pack up and leave them or not to be with him. Unless you are locked in an actual prison or handcuffed to something in the house, your parents can not prevent you from making choices of your own. I know of people who have controlling parents still controlling them when they are in their 50s. While they are adult, they were never given a chance to learn how to be an adult as the parents, or Mom did it all for them. Then the parent dies and an adult child is alone in the world, never having married or had kids, because they choose to be the parents little baby all their life and now they are terrified of having to make their way in life and have no idea how to do it. This could be you. I am not making this up. I have met a few people like this. YOu do have a choice. But make a wise one, Not because of a threat that Mom's death will be your fault, but check into his family more, and make sure you are not jumping from the frying pan into the fire. That is a saying for going from a bad situation to a worse one.

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I’ve been through so much in my life... growing up with alcoholic parents and alcoholic friends as an only child. Pretty much gotten 2 DUIs... and gotten in trouble for shop lifting I have to pay this class and money. I’m going to be 25. My parents are 64! My parents relationship ship has always been pretty bad fighting a lot my mom is a big time alcoholic. With still going through this court stuff without having a license and not being able to drive.. my mom fell back on her head had to get stitches, my dad is on disability with his knee, they have to get a loan on the house, I have deal with a bf that is an alcoholic we were off and on. I’ve lost his trust but he’s done crazy shit though as well from alcohol but yet I stay with him because unfortunately now I believe I am dealing with depression, anxiety, social anxiety, ocd I don’t even know what else. Everything is fucked up! And it’s affecting my work. I’ve isolated myself a lot and ignore people because well look how my life has been, I’m always negative now or think bad. I think there is something wrong with me mentally and because everyone pretty much drinks and parties and with my life I’m ashamed. I’m embarrassed. I’m depressed. THIS IS where I’m wondering if Isomething is wrong with me because I just want to ACT NORMAL AT LEAST U KNOW. I’ve done research it’s normal to have intrusive thoughts? I’ve had those where I thought I would harm someone even though I would not at all!!! But it makes me act weird or I feel like I’m acting weird. I’m all quiet at work I have no idea what to talk about, I’m stuck inside my head, I look at my co workers and see them looking at me or been asked if I’m okay. I’ll do weird stuff to avoid talking to people... kind of pasting or always finding stuff to do or sometimes talking out loud like “what was I going to do” or on my phone a lot or quiet. Even my body movement shows I’m uncomfortable. I feel uncomfortable a lot. All of sudden I’m not me. I’ve tried different anti depressants the longest one I have been trying right now is 10 mg of Prozac. Today I had it with little coffee and ciggs which is stupid bad for anxiety right? I tried half alzapram I’m prescribed 0.25 but I went home early I was getting paranoid, dizzy, nauseas.. I keep constantly googling what is wrong with me or the medication I have tried. I’ve been out of it... bad memory I almost thought I have a brain tumor or am I Austic or just fucking losing it. God help this sounds like a shit show.

I know you had no choice having shitty parents. But your story made me think of a news paper story I once read, one of the few positive human interest stories I have seen and it made a big impact hearing it. It involves a dysfunctional family with two kids and the girl being honored was the older one. She had only a single Mom. Mom was into drugs big, and spent most of her time out of touch with reality and whacked out on the drugs, hopelessly unable to be a Mom and do the basics like shop for food and cook and keep up the house. This girl did it all. Besides going to school, she became like the parent, taking care of her sister and her Mom. Getting the money from Mom and getting food to put in the cupboards. Money most times was already spent on drugs. Mom was simply very depressed after losing her mate and now having a rickety place to rent that should be condemned. The girl found odd jobs as a kid and later worked as a teen to keep the household going. She also looked into Habitat for Humanity that helps people with low income get a place to live. She was always encouraging Mom to stop taking drugs, and when Mom heard they were on the list to get a good place to live, she finally decided to turn things around. She was only on drugs to escape her bad situation, unfortunately thinking of herself first, not the kids. Officials learned of her Moms situation when interviewed for a living place and Moms was willing to clean up her life since things were looking up, got treatment and later a job. The article says Mom thanks her older daughter for 'saving her life'.

That may never happen where you parents clean up their lives. All you can do is focus on you.
I had good parents but married at 20, a man who ended up being abusive though he went to church like me. I chose to stay due to children and worry of being able to survive financially. I have a past of extreme social anxiety which is what you sound like when saying you'd do anything to avoid talking to people. That was my problem. But no longer. I was like that through out children hood and my teen years. When I graduated HS, I knew I had to do something different to survive in the adult world. So I prayed and what God told me, I found in later years to be the exact same thing a Pychologist turned author/teacher wrote in one of his books I checked out from my library. So I would like to post a link to his website. Since you like going on line to figure things out, there is a lot to learn but mostly to gain some hope that what you suffer can and will be healed if you are truly dedicated to doing what ever it takes to get healthy. Yes, you have depression. I can't say it is clinical type or the temporary one from situations. Situational depression can last a long time if there is never a release from whatever is causing you extreme stress. Stress either manifests as disease and illnesses physically after a while or goes to your mind, affecting your mental health. For me, it affected my physical health, for you it is the mental health. However, there is hope. Read comments from those helped by Dr. David D. Burns. A woman who spent her life with depression that no meds could help, followed his non medicine solution and was healed after 50 years of being like that. This doesn't work for those whose bodies can not create the feel good hormones themselves in their bodies. When the hormones run low or are totally used up to deal with stress, depressed levels is another word to say low levels and so that is really what about 85 90% of the depressed peoples situation really is and they can be helped. Medicine is only for a very few according to this doctor. It is based on retraining your mind to stop self defeating, negative or distorted thoughts. It is something everyone has gotten at times, however a healthier person will dismiss those negative thoughts, not dwell on them and replace those negative distorted thoughts/thinking with a better one, positive one.

So here is the Drs Website. I hope you'll see that there is hope for you. If you don't have insurance coverage for a psychologist, you will have to do your best with his books, checking to see if your library has them, or buying them. If you have coverage, then look for one who deals in CBT, Cognitive Behavioral Therapy. Cognitive deals with thoughts which is good as that is the source of most peoples depression. I assume you no longer live with your parents. However, if you do, since their behavior and the memories of seeing them in their state, all the time is what causes you this amount of stress, I would recommend finding roommates to share an apartment with as soon as possible. However, I am guessing you don't have many real friends due to your problem, as I did when I had the great anxiety so I will share my step by step process of the solution I followed to become free of that anxiety. As for any distorted thinking, I can not help but only steer you in the right direction with this website:

https://feelinggood.com/

Now my story with a remedy to follow . . .

I used to be so shy I wouldn't get up to use the pencil sharpener in grade school because I didn't want the other kids to stare at me. I refused to do book reports for fear of speaking in front of the class. So my grades would suffer. In contrast, my dad was a very friendly extroverted person and always bringing home new friends he had made. Us kids liked it cus these “uncles” would bring candy for us and many had accents from around the world with lots of interesting stories too.

It took until I was about 17 before I decided I was sick and tired of being so shy. I didn't have the guts to just switch behavior and start talking. Strange how I never thought to talk to my dad about that and get help from him. So I prayed and asked God for help (He knows each of us better than anyone )
and here's the answers I got. It sure helped me and I know it will help you. You can skip any steps you already have mastered.
None of this involves using people you already know because you already have some comfort level there For this exercise, you will have to drop the teaching, “Never talk to strangers”. Just use common sense and talk to people in public places where other people are around and don't go off alone with anyone. So here's your lesson.

1. Smile at strangers every day as you come across them. When you are comfortable with this, move on to step 2
2. Smile and add saying hello to people you don't know. This is already harder because your mind will be going, "They're gonna think I'm nuts cus I am saying hi and they dont even know me." When you can do this without feeling awkward or shy, move to step 3
3. Smile and say hi to and then pay a compliment to another person you don't know. It could be telling the grocery clerk you love her necklace. Keep paying compliments to people until you can do so without being fearful of their reaction or simply the act of doing it.
4. Smile, say Hi, and start a conversation with a stranger. Here's an example. When I'd be at a clothing rack and another woman was there...no matter her age, I would make a comment to her about the clothing. I'd pull something off the rack and ask what she thinks of it for me.
Keep trying statements with a question to get responses from a person. If they don't open up and start responding and sharing some of their story or thoughts then they are part of the 10 % of people who are hermit like and don't like being around people or talking to them. I took a class that taught about personality types and discovered that 90% of people are very friendly but will not start conversation first. If you can learn to start conversation first, in every situation, you will find that the majority of people respond in a very friendly and supportive way. They won't find the fact that you start talking too weird. Once they figure you're a naturally friendly person you will see them willingly respond back and share bits and pieces of information and such.
I was trying to pick ripe but not over ripe melon one time when an older woman was tapping and listening to the melons. I asked what she was doing and she explained that there is a certain sound it makes so I learned something. Later we bump into each other in another aisle, and I say, "Well Hello again!" Her response, "Hello again. Do you use coupons?" "Sometimes." "Do you buy this product," she shows me something in her cart, "Yes I do." "Well I happen to have a coupon for a great deal on it if you'd like," and without waiting for my response reaches into pocket and hands it to me. You'd be amazed at the conversation you could have with people and be able to share helpful info with them or vice versa. And sometimes in the conversing you may find people who you have some things in common with and you decide to keep in touch with and exchange cell numbers and /or get their name for facebook friending. Once you are comfortable with talking to one person, then its a small matter to talk to groups of people.

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18/F
So I recently started working at this shop. There are 5 other people that work there (different shifts) and I'm the youngest. I've worked a few times with the one girl (27 years old) and I didn't really like her that much because she was rude to my other friend that works there. Over the past few days of working together she's become better and I've been talking to her but yesterday she had a panic attack at work because she saw this guy and she ended up telling me he raped her when she was younger. I had gone through sexual abuse for 4 years so apart of me felt like we related a lot and now I really want to be friends with her. How do I start a friendship with her since she's 9 years older than me? I know for her she might not want to be friends because of the age difference. She talks to me a lot at work. I messaged her yesterday saying she can talk to me about it if she ever needs to and she said thanks and left it at that.

You need to decide what kind of attraction it is you have to her first. Is this simply wanting to be friends at work only, friends away from work as well, Hoping to start with friendship and work up to dating, having a need to have more friends and looking for anything you think might help bring you together as friends?

If the latter, a warning to not trick yourself into believing simply having something traumatic in common in your past will make for a great friend let alone more. I have a past of abuse from ex husband. I have met many women who have the same in common with me. Am I friends with them. No, because other than that event, I have nothing else in common with them.

Since she is older, perhaps you ask because you assume a person won't want to be work friends just because of age difference. No matter where I have worked my entire life, I have seen coworkers be at least friends at work no matter what their age. I have had young people my childrens ages tell me Thanks for treating them as an adult instead of thinking of them or acting towards them as if they were children. When I was first working at your age, most the coworkers were older than me by a de cade if not my parents age. Yet those who had some things in common became friends. The last job I worked was PT at a fast food place where all the shift managers were around my childrens age and some just out of HS. I became good friends with those who treated me as a friend in return and as a result, two of the girls began to feel like extra adult children of mine. If a work friend is all you truly want, then be a friend to get her as a friend. Offering to listen to her talk about a bad event is a step but most people will not share something so personal with just an acquaintence. They need to have an established trusting friendship before opening up. I am guessing you would feel the same, unless for some reason, you like to wear your past abuse as a medal and tell everyone you meet about it. Think of what you talk to others about. Work related is the perfect excuse for a conversation topic starter. Since she is not yet into her 30s, she may not be receptive to being a friend with someone younger. I do see that at times but it is possible. Give it a month or so of being friendly and including her when you are talking to others, not always singling just her out. If she remains cool towards you as far as friendship, then you will know she is one of the few who don't like associating with anyone not near her age.

On the other hand, if you have a secret desire and interest in older women, no matter how much older, and the interest being sexual, well, you may have to look at woman a bit older to find someone interested no matter your age. My 2nd husband told me when he worked as a busboy at a restaurant as an 18 yr old and older, that he had female customers hitting on him who were at least 15 to 20 years older if not a bit more at times. They did not want to remarry for whatever reason but wanted a young stud for sex. These are the women to go life long with and have kids with but it was a good way for him to get experience with older women who had a mature out look. If this is the case for you and your interest is more along the lines of hoping the friendship could develop into more, I must remind you that interested older women make the first move, unlike females her age who mostly still wait for the guy to make the first move. However, if you do become good friends and can coax her to spend time as friends away from work, then at some point you say, "Since we are doing so well as friend, it makes me wonder if we would do just as great if we tried to be more than friends. What do you think?

Phrasing it that way if this is the case for you, works great because it is about an idea in your head, not stating it as being a fact of having feelings already which scares people away if they do not feel the same. Then asking what she thinks, gives her a chance to agree to try or if she doesn't feel that kind of chemistry, she will either state that or say, no it wouldn't work, at which point you have to choose to just be friends without pressuring her.

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So I have mental illnesses (depression, anxiety, anger, social anxiety) and stress and perfectionism so severe that it keeps me from functioning like a normal person.

Please no med or therapy talk, 'cause I do those already with no luck at all.

I want to be COMPLETELY natural with my recoveries.

I want to learn from you all on how to get my life together. I want to work one day, but I definitely cannot at the moment, because of how severe my disabilities are.

But anyway, just a real deep, insightful, thorough talk to me on getting my life together, including how to make friends, self-care, etc.

Well hon, if it took simply willpower, you would already have success. As for regular talk therapy, that's only getting your thoughts out, not always learning how to control them. Half the time, our problems stem from distorted, negative thinking. I can address the social anxiety as I overcame that on my own, however I was willing to do anything to get better. You may not pray but I did and what I heard from God and followed, until I got one step perfected and then was given the next step, well ... its not just mumbo jumbo and me thinking I heard from God, because a couple years ago I read a book I got at the library by Dr. David D. Burns a psychologist who used to use only medication to help but now writes and trains other Dr.s to use CBT, Cognitive Behavioral Therapy which will deal with the bad thinking and he has another method.

I was astonished to find in his book the exact same remedy I used to get over my social anxiety that I heard from God but this time from a Psychologist. I can paste that doc in now and at the end of it will say a bit about Depression and give something you can try. But I really must stress that you look over the website of this Dr. I mentioned, because there are now Dr.s using his methods and they work better because the majority of what falls under mental illness is all due to poor thinking patterns that need to be stopped and no medication is needed the majority of the times.

https://feelinggood.com/

Overcome Shyness/Social Anxiety

It took until I was about 17 before I decided I was sick and tired of being so shy. I didn't have the guts to just switch behavior and start talking. Strange how I never thought to talk to my dad about that and get help from him. So I prayed and asked God for help (He knows each of us better than anyone )
and here's the answers I got. It sure helped me and I know it will help you. You can skip any steps you already have mastered.
None of this involves using people you already know because you already have some comfort level there For this exercise, you will have to drop the teaching, “Never talk to strangers”. Just use common sense and talk to people in public places where other people are around and don't go off alone with anyone. So here's your lesson.

1. Smile at strangers every day as you come across them. When you are comfortable with this, move on to step 2
2. Smile and add saying hello to people you don't know. This is already harder because your mind will be going, "They're gonna think I'm nuts cus I am saying hi and they dont even know me." When you can do this without feeling awkward or shy, move to step 3
3. Smile and say hi to and then pay a compliment to another person you don't know. It could be telling the grocery clerk you love her necklace. Keep paying compliments to people until you can do so without being fearful of their reaction or simply the act of doing it.
4. Smile, say Hi, and start a conversation with a stranger. Here's an example. When I'd be at a clothing rack and another woman was there...no matter her age, I would make a comment to her about the clothing. I'd pull something off the rack and ask what she thinks of it for me.
Keep trying statements with a question to get responses from a person. If they don't open up and start responding and sharing some of their story or thoughts then they are part of the 10 % of people who are hermit like and don't like being around people or talking to them. I took a class that taught about personality types and discovered that 90% of people are very friendly but will not start conversation first. If you can learn to start conversation first, in every situation, you will find that the majority of people respond in a very friendly and supportive way. They won't find the fact that you start talking too weird. Once they figure you're a naturally friendly person you will see them willingly respond back and share bits and pieces of information and such.
I was trying to pick ripe but not over ripe melon one time when an older woman was tapping and listening to the melons. I asked what she was doing and she explained that there is a certain sound it makes so I learned something. Later we bump into each other in another aisle, and I say, "Well Hello again!" Her response, "Hello again. Do you use coupons?" "Sometimes." "Do you buy this product," she shows me something in her cart, "Yes I do." "Well I happen to have a coupon for a great deal on it if you'd like," and without waiting for my response reaches into pocket and hands it to me. You'd be amazed at the conversation you could have with people and be able to share helpful info with them or vice versa. And sometimes in the conversing you may find people who you have some things in common with and you decide to keep in touch with and exchange cell numbers and /or get their name for facebook friending. Once you are comfortable with talking to one person, then its a small matter to talk to groups of people.
This should help you.


Now on Depression. Everyone on the planet faces stress at some point. It is our feel good hormones that we create inside our bodies that help battle what stress would do to us. However, some people face tons of stress on a daily basis, being stuck in a bad place and so there is no relief. So the natural amounts of a full tank of feel good hormones will run low or run empty and being so low, another word for that is depressed, such as saying the normal levels of hormones are depressed (too low). So Depression simply means the levels are too low. The reason I gave isn't the only reason why one can be depressed. The other reason (clinical depression) is when your body is unable to create these toxins at all, no matter what you do naturally and you must take medicine that simulates the hormones you can't produce to handle stress. I have experienced the situational depression when too many stressful things went wrong at once. However after a day or two of that, I can't stand being depressed and will resort to several of the things I will list now which are known to help your body immediately begin producing more of your own feel good hormones.
My daughter, depressed after a boyfriend dumped her, asked me what she could do. I gave her this list. I guess she didn't think I knew anything so she used her one free visit through work insurance to see a professional who said, that if she couldn't afford to come in again and had to battle this on her own, the best thing she could do is follow a list of activities that would help. She was astounded as the list was the same I gave her but I found mine on line.

Rebuilding Your Feel Good Hormone Supply




1. Music: Listening to it or singing. For singing, it is advised you sing a song quieter at first and build up to singing as if you were on stage. If you can't bring yourself to sing being too depressed, then at least try singing Amazing Grace over and over til you feel better. Many have said that this one song helps them As for listening, this is one of my favorites, I will collect songs that make me feel good when I listen to them. It is not the lyrics that matter here but the melody. The feeling I get is as if my heart is as light as a helium balloon and is floating upwards in my chest. I have these songs on my computer or you can put on your iphone. I will put a song on repeat and listen to it several times in a row and when done, I already feel better. Its amazing how quick this works. For an example for you, the very best and favorite song that does this for me is Clocks by Coldplay. There is something about that melody. I recently found something else on Youtube that I have to listen to over and over as it does the same for me, the song is Lone Croft Farewell by Railroad Earth.The melody that works for one person will not necessarily work for another, so keep searching until you find a few that help.
2. Movement: Dancing is a good one, it can be whatever you like, interpretive dance to the music, just dance as if no one is watching. Other types of movement that help are any kind of exercise, hard work can give you the same feelings, so jogging, gym workouts but my favorite is skipping and I am no young kid but grandma age. So I feel silly if I am skipping but it makes me automatically start laughing. Even joining a yoga class may help.
3. Laughter: So this brings us to laughter. The body will create more of the feel good hormones as you laugh. Not one quick laugh but on going, lots of it. Now everyone has a different sense of humor. Get familiar with yours and watvh comedies that cater to your sense of humor and laugh away to wellness.
4. Hugs: Yes, hugs can make a person feel better. I don't understand how this works or why, but thank God it does. This is one of the easiest to do. There are many studies being done on just this one thing. There are plenty of videos on youtube about Hug therapy. The catch is, it can't be a quick barely touching a person hug. That will not help at all. If you don't believe me, try it out. I heard somewhere that around a dozen hugs a day are what is needed to avoid feeling glum or depressed. But who recieves that many a day? I don't, however I do the best I can and when I greet friends or are leaving, I give them a nice big bear hug, as long as you can. You can't give a hug without getting one in return. About this kind of hug, to be therapeutic for you, wrap your arms around them and start the hug. Most people let go too quickly, right about when they start to feel the other persons energy, or vibes, or just encounter uncomfortable feelings. This is not the time to stop the hug! Carry it through a bit longer and you will feel the effect. This is another of my favorites and works as well as listening to songs.
5. Meditation and Prayer: This has also been mentioned to help. If depressed, who is really going to want to do any of the things on this list, however Meditation or prayer, will be hardest of all these things as you have to quiet your mind. That is hard for me to do, even though I am a very spiritual person. It certainly has not helped me when I am too upset to concentrate. But you are very welcome to do it if it really helps you. Start off with 10 deep cleansing breaths. Watch some videos or get a book on meditation if that seems to help you.

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I’m 20 years old my siblings are 18 and 15, my dad keeps treating us like little kids. For example he will talk to us in third person he’ll literally say “your dad isn’t feeling well today” as if we don’t know who he is. I’ve told him multiple times to stop talking in third person but he doesn’t listen. Whenever we want to go out or do something he’ll say “I’ve seen more days than you guys you’ve never been exposed to what the world really is” however how are we supposed to know if we can’t go out?. He’s not strict but there’s days where all of a sudden his strict parenting style comes out where he’ll force us to do chores and if we don’t listen he acts like a dictator. (2 years ago he actually slapped me for not wanting to was the dishes). Then on other days he’ll say he wants us to grow up and stop acting like kids? But when we try he does stuff like this? Any advice or tips?

Do you only have a Dad? If there's a Mom, talk to her about this so she can talk to him. Playing dictator and controlling is not normal. He does have some problems that only a mental health specialist can sort out for sure. If there is no Mom or Mom is terrified of him , or wimpy and scared, then you will need to mention this to another trusted adult, like an aunt you may be close to, even grandma, asking for their help but this is considering your minor aged sibling. If that doesn't work, talking to school counselor or a church pastor. even if you don't attend church, find a near by church and ask to speak to the pastor and ask him what can be done.
Since you and the 18 yr old are considered adults, you have to take care of your own welfare. Living at home for economic reasons is understandable but authorities will simply say you both can leave. However one sibling is 15 and must live at home so in this case, a call to CPS may help.
You can't force Dad to do anything unless he isn't doing the basics of providing shelter, food and clothes for your youngest sibling. He isn't required to do this for adult children even if you are in tight financial situations.

I would suggest, you and the other find work if you haven't, find another person or two to share an apartment with 3 bd rm and you and sis sharing one if need be. This way getting out of the house is possible. I am so sorry to hear this. I hope all works out well for you 3

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I have a strong feeling that I’m gay, but I also like guys...I like all genders, but i know I’m asexual. I want to come out to my parents, but they say they would accept me. The thing is I know they won’t...especially my mom. I know I should keep it in until I find the one while disregarding the gender...i just wonder what I actually am.

Some people can end up being a combo of several situations which can be mystifying or confusing to others, let alone your self.
I will share of a woman I met at a potluck I attended where most the people were pagan, pagan-christian, and or polyamorous. This word isn't as well known as polygamous, which consists of one man and several wives. Poly amorous is being able to love more than one person and those you love know of your other loves. Most include being sexual but there are some who simply love each other without having the chemistry for sex.
Now at this party, a young female about 10 yrs younger than me started hitting on me. She was nice about it and after saying she was interested in me, said she was gay and polyamorous. This is my example of two situations that can make your life confusing. Most gay people are monogamous. SHe had no trouble finding a lesbian to be in relationship with, however she also longed to do so with multiple people, maybe two or three, so she was tryimg to find a polyamourous woman who was also gay. I suggest you read all about the different types of sexuallity, sexual preferance, or type of gender, and whether you are monogamous or polyamorous. I can't tell you what you are. But from the little you said, perhaps this next definition comes closer. I just look up the dictionary meaning.

Pansexuality, or omnisexuality, is the sexual, romantic or emotional attraction towards people regardless of their sex or gender identity.

Good luck hon.

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I will be going to university in one year and i am a bit worried due to having no self-esteem and self confidence. I am a very anti social and introvert person. What should i do because i have no idea how will i deal with it. Also that "Fake it, till you make it. be brave no one can tell" thing doesn't work, i have tried it.

I have truly been in your shoes and had severe social anxiety besides being introverted and low self esteem/confidence. But no longer. You have a year to work on this. But you won't need a year. I will first share about the self esteem part, although you may have difficulty with this unless you work on the anti social part first. I don't know what causes you to be anti social but for me it was being terrified of talking to people.

Heres the first part now:

Gaining Self Esteem/Self Confidence



First Lets see what the difference is between the Two. Self Esteem is what you think of yourself and self confidence is how you come across to others. It is really difficult to appear confident if you truly have no good self esteem. So therefore, the 'fake your confidence' doesn't work for most people.

I learned myself how to overcome shyness/social anxiety. I was outgoing and could talk to others but there was still a sliver of doubt in me as to what others might be thinking of me. I tend to compare myself not often but sometimes with others as in she is better at painting, he's better at writing than me, and so on. I had to realize that all people have different tastes in things. So for someone who really can't write at all for example, then what I do, or my particular style seems terrific to them. But do I think I am terrific. The real problem is our minds always trying to measure up, trying to be what we see as perfect. No one has to be perfect. Plenty of people are loved and admired even if they are not perfect. I had to get to a place where I realized that where ever I was at, it was good enough for others, maybe they even followed me, like those following in an online puzzle page or those who prefer to address questions to me rather than someone else on here. Yet I still occasionally had a problem with this, until I read an article in a woman's magazine while at the doctors. This was about 12 years ago or more but I remember it well as I followed the instructions trying it.

The exercise calls for you deciding what is your best feature, your hair, lips, eyes, etc and then thinking of a celebrity whom you admire the same feature in. I know this may be sounding like a fake it and make it thing as you read the rest of this. But what it truly is, is not faking it to others, but retraining your mind. If you read any tabloids, you will know that at some point in time, you will hear of some dirty secrets of a celebrity you love. Even though you hear they have ADD, dyslexia, had a child outside of marriage, bite their fingernails, lied to a cop once, etc. . . knowing their shortcomings does not effect how much you still like what they do, whether singing, acting or something like that.

This is what we need, to experience people reacting to us, the same way one might if meeting a celebrity. They are liked for their personality and their background or private life or how professional they are or how well they do anything other than the one thing you know them for, doesn't matter.

So here is what I did to show how this works. You'll need a good imagination because you need to be able to picture yourself as looking like this celebrity you've chosen for the feature you chose as being your favorite, even if it doesn't look anything like your celebrity. I like my eyes and so I thought of a female actress whose eyes I liked. They really caught attention. Next I had to picture myself as looking like her and getting the same reactions as she would if she suddenly stepped out into society. This means doing this picturing things before you step out of your house, before you get out of your car, before you enter any kind of building, office, school, shop, or even a room.

Do this without any expectation of any kind. Just get into this habit. The eventual success will blow your mind.
I did this for a while, not months on end, but it was a couple weeks before I saw response and when I got responses, it was several, one day after another. I will share a couple ecamples. My husband and I were at a sports bar listening to a band brought in. A man was sitting next to us on a bench seat. In between songs, he turned to me and said, “I couldn't help noticing you have beautiful eyes, the prettiest eyes I have ever seen.. Another time at a restaurant, even thought the lighting is darker and I was not wearing any makeup, as I was walking to the restroom, a woman stopped me and told me, “Do you ever hear that you have the prettiest eyes? Really they are exceptional!” I was feeling good and when I returned, as I passed a table where a man was also returning he took a glance to let me pass first but then he stopped and looked again and the words came out. I did not get compliments on my outfit, or hair or nails, etc, again as always, it was the eyes. He told me how beautiful my eyes were and taps his wife saying “Look honey, don't you agree she has very stunning eyes?” The woman took a look at me and lit up and gave me a compliment as well.
Now I knew that my eyes did not resemble the ones of my celebrity, nor was I wearing eye makeup to enhance the looks yet everyone was complimenting my eyes. Why?

It wasn't so much exactly how my eyes looked. What people were picking up on is this thought I kept in my mind. See, if we don't think we measure up somehow, then the best thing is to do this exercise and learn how it is something entirely different that people are responding to, not the actually looks or talent, etc. All humans have an ability their sub conscious minds pick up on, an invisible signal, like a radio wave, or call it the vibes you put out there. When focused on what we know to be our not so good traits, the vibes we put out are ones of 'Something is wrong with me, I'm not good enough, you don't want to know me. When I was thinking of my eyes and being this actress because she has stunning eyes, I had tricked myself into putting out good vibes of feeling good about myself. Once I had the success with this experiment, I stopped using it because I had learned how to love myself exactly for where I was at and that it all was good enough.

I will share one more that is really glaringly obvious. I was attending a house party where I did not know any of the guests. There were two very obese women there. One was not happy with how she looked and inadvertently was sending out negative signals so everyone steered clear of her. I didn't even want to go talk to her even though I normally seek out and befriend the loner as I used to be one.

The other woman I could not see at first because she was tellling a story and had so many people crowded near her. No one seemed to care about her extra weight. It wasn't an issue for her so it wasn't for the people. When I got a chance to see her face, even though I am heterosexual, my opinion was that she has a beautiful face, like a pixie, angel, whatever sounds etheral and different from most. Normally, I would notice how pudgy the face is but I couldn't see that at all as it was how she was feeling about herself, that my subconscious also agreed with. She was happy, outgoing and funny, the kind of person people like to be around. She was literally the life of this party. This example is to show you how it feels to be the one whom picks up the vibes and how it made me think and believe. Try the experiment for yourself. It truly does work if you can retrain your mind to think positive thoughts, not question whether you should have those thoughts and send out positive vibes for others to feel and react to.

I know that was a lot but I have one more document to paste in, regarding how to get over being anti social.

If you are a more private person, the hermit type and prefer and small circle of friends, there is nothing wrong with that. But when in social settings such as the Campus or classrooms, you are going to need to know how to communicate with people, even if its not what you prefer. If you have fear of people or talking to them, follow everything you will shortly read, if not, you will still glean ideas on how to social enough to satisfy others.


Overcome Shyness or Social anxiety

None of this involves using people you already know because you already have some comfort level there For this exercise, you will have to drop the teaching, “Never talk to strangers”. Just use common sense and talk to people in public places where other people are around and don't go off alone with anyone. So here's your lesson.

1. Smile at strangers every day as you come across them. When you are comfortable with this, move on to step 2 (this may seem silly to me, but this was hard for me because I thought if I smiled, people would want to stop and hold a long conversation with me and I had no idea how to talk to people)
2. Smile and add saying hello to people you don't know. This is already harder because your mind will be going, "They're gonna think I'm nuts cus I am saying hi and they dont even know me." When you can do this without feeling awkward or shy, move to step 3
3. Smile and say hi to and then pay a compliment to another person you don't know. It could be telling the grocery clerk you love her necklace. Keep paying compliments to people until you can do so without being fearful of their reaction or simply the act of doing it.
4. Smile, say Hi, and start a conversation with a stranger. Here's an example. When I'd be at a clothing rack and another woman was there...no matter her age, I would make a comment to her about the clothing. I'd pull something off the rack and ask what she thinks of it for me.
Keep trying statements with a question to get responses from a person. If they don't open up and start responding and sharing some of their story or thoughts then they are part of the 10 % of people who are hermit like and don't like being around people or talking to them. I took a class that taught about personality types and discovered that 90% of people are very friendly but will not start conversation first. If you can learn to start conversation first, in every situation, you will find that the majority of people respond in a very friendly and supportive way. They won't find the fact that you start talking to be weird. Once they figure you're a naturally friendly person you will see them willingly respond back and share bits and pieces of information and such.
I was trying to pick ripe but not over ripe melon one time when an older woman was tapping and listening to the melons. I asked what she was doing and she explained that there is a certain sound it makes so I learned something. Later we bump into each other in another aisle, and I say, "Well Hello again!" Her response, "Hello again. Do you use coupons?" "Sometimes." "Do you buy this product," she shows me something in her cart, "Yes I do." "Well I happen to have a coupon for a great deal on it if you'd like," and without waiting for my response reaches into pocket and hands it to me. You'd be amazed at the conversation you could have with people and be able to share helpful info with them or vice versa. And sometimes in the conversing you may find people who you have some things in common with. Another trick until you get more comfortable talking to people is the following trick: Ask people to tell you something about themselves, anything, because people love to talk about themselves. And all you have to do is listen for the most part. They will think you are a great conversationalist even though you were only listening to them talk. They might ask you to reciprocate. So think ahead as to what you are comfortable sharing about. Ideas: like mentioning if you had siblings or are an only child, things you liked doing as a child, favorite collections, hobbies. You can even describe in here being more quiet, shy, a homebody, happier listening than talking or whatever sounds right to you. You will be surprised how many who seem outgoing will say that they are also introverts. Just because a person is introverted doesn't mean they can't socialize and they will, it just won't be as boisterous as the extroverts.

Getting over shyness took me about two months. I can't remember the self esteem one but I think I did it for about 3 weeks before I started sending out the positive vibes and getting all the responses all of a sudden. It all depends on how well you stick to it and how often you do these things. I was dedicated because I knew it would hurt me in my adult life. So I did the shyness exercise when 18 or 19, after high school. The other I didn't do until in my forties.
This should help you.

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when should my girlfriend & I start sleeping together?

there is a lot you do not mention such as your ages, and whether one of you is 18 or over, how long you've been dating, if this is hetero or same sex couple, and so on.
Just because a couple is dating does not mean that you automatically need to have sex at some point or believing that if you started dating, that sex is the next step. I am older and learned what I know the hard way and will share what I am trying to say here.
There is dating for social reasons only, to have someone, a partner to go out to the movies with, and maybe for sex too. Then there is dating used as a tool, as a way to get to know a person well enough to see if they are just what you are looking for in a partner or not. If you see anything you don't like, instead of trying to change a person which isn't possible as you can only change yourself, you simply stop dating them and when you do date again, you aim for someone better, instead of settling for the same or for something less. If the person is perfect for you and you for them, then you move your dating into the committed couple type of dating. This is the couple who either is committed to be together with or without a marriage certificate for life.

Somehow I doubt you fit in the last description. Most likely, this is the first girlfriend you've had and so are new at this and wondering when is okay to move to the next stage, becoming sex partners.

Well, there is a possibility she may be looking just for a social boyfriend, not one she also has sex with. You may be a playboy in the making who wants to date as many females as possible and only those willing to have sex. While there is nothing wrong with either aspiration, the problem is when both are not talking to each other and asking what the other wants and revealing what you want from a relationship. If both of your wishes match, then it is an easy thing to move forward. Even older adults who have never learned have their own agenda but don't come out and mention it before the first date and so one or both are hurt later on when things blow up. Sure there may not be as many females who are okay with dating mostly for sex. But they are out there and it's usually because of a certain period in her life where it is appropriate now. A girl who has been sexual as a teen and is now single again, will not want to wait long to have sex if she is really interested in you. A young woman now divorced who no longer wants a second husband but only lovers, will easily also be willing to have sex. The rest have to feel something for a guy and have to feel sure that he not only loves her but wants to show her by his actions just how much he loves her. This means having sex is about pleasing her first, giving her, her first orgasm or first orgasm with you, making sure she is totally satisfied before you allow yourself to have yours. This means a guy having studies enough to understand the female genitalia to be able to do the right things and be able to explain to them what they will feel if the need arises, such as what she feels when you work on her G spot. I know this is too much if just the first time but you didn't say. However if you both have had sex before and had bad experiences, or woman not ready until a certain point, the only way to know for sure is to ask them. If you are too embarrassed to have a sexual conversation with the girl you are dating or her with you, then you are not ready to be sexual together. Some females may be ready after a couple of dates and others not ready until they are totally sure you are the one they love and feel safe and loved with you. It could take others a couple of months or in some rare cases, even longer. So wait a week, a month? Nope, just ask her. You need to understand that sex for men can be one of three things: he only feel lust for her and wants sex, he only feels love for her, or he feels lust and love together in one special package but this is rare to have the relationship where he is in love but also feels that lust rise in him when he is with her, thinking of her because both are so in love and also have no inhibitions.

Women on the other hand, believe sex is a way to secure a mans' heart and his love. That is why so many end up hurt by males who lied or led them on to get sex. This can happen at any age. Its just that the older men don't pounce as quick. I really can't give you a date. I am not the typical female. When I met my second husband, I had already been married to someone not my sexual equal, no love, no passion or desire, just the mechanical function. I knew I wanted better. First time, due to religious beliefs, I wanted to remain pure and had no sex until my wedding night. I kinda thought it should't felt lots better. We had no chemistry in that dept. So second time around, I told my girls to test drive a guy sexually, that is to not commit to a long term relationship or marriage until they knew for sure they were compatible in that department. So I didn't want to go out places on dates. I wanted to sit in person and talk for hours to get to really know the guy. This is what I did with my 2nd husband. After a week of talking nightly for hours, we met the following Sunday at his place. He had a teen daughter who was in her room. When it came time to stay the night as it was getting late, or go home, I decided I was sure enough I liked what I knew of him after a week on the phone and besides a twenty minute meetup during his lunch time, and just that Sunday, so I knew I had to make the first move. He had no even kissed me, being the gentleman and leaving it to me to make the move if I was interested. Mind you, we were both close to 50, not young people with less experience. A young girl doesn't tend to take the lead. I moved to kiss him first earlier in the evening and I could tell he liked it. So later, when I made the first moves for sex, he eagerly accepted. It wasn't until after that he told me that he had a personal policy that if there wasn't enough chemistry for a female to want sex with him within the first 24 hours of meeting him, then there was likely not enough sexual chemistry. This is an example of something that worked for us but we both also had a lot of life experience. With younger folks starting out, it is usually a different story. All you can do is look for clues. I suggest studying examples of body language as far as knowing when someone is attracted to you. You can find plenty good ones on youtube. When you see what a person does if attracted to and comfortable with you,, then you need to find out next if there are any moral beliefs on the subject that may make her want to wait, otherwise, start with kissing and touches to see how she responds. Its a process, but its not sex for the sake of sex unless you have a really horny girl in which case you wont have to guess, she will just start the process early on from meeting you. But anyone else, will be too shy too initiate or even talk about sex. There are no two sex partners alike so if you've done it before, you have to learn what she likes and doesnt like. This means you both have to talk during sex and say, ow that hurts, or I am getting sore, I need more lube, or I am not feeling anything, lets try something else. Women are complicated and what works one night to get an orgasm will not be guaranteed to work the next time. So if you and her are willing to talk, communicate during and plan for contraceptives before hand, then you are likely ready. This is the best I can share without knowing a few more details from you

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I feel like I'm trapped with my S.O. because he makes really good money and has what's considered a top notch career. My whole family would probably judge me if I ever left him and so would my friends.

I'm not exactly unhappy, but he's also not who I want to spend the rest of my life with. I cook and clean for him while I work and go to school. He's selfish and pushes me really hard to unreasonable expectations. Even though he makes really good money he still makes me pay half of rent and our other expenses, which I don't think is fair because he makes more than I probably ever will. I think he's kind of boring and he doesn't satisfy me in bed. He thinks extremely highly of himself and looks at everybody else as peons. Sometimes he even tells me he doesn't think I can ever be where he is and he struggled to come up with a reason that he's proud of me because my life before him was just so much more insignificant than how he lives.

The flip side is he can be sweet, compliments my appearance, tells me he loves me all the time, and if I just try really hard to not argue things tend to run smoothly, but then I'm constantly letting him get away with acting like a little boy (expecting me to do everything for him and throwing a fit when I ask him to do something). I've never been able to live as nice as we do so that's been a blessing and most of the time, I think that's worth putting up with him.

Together, we have a nice well furnished home with all the cooking supplies I ever dreamed of having (which is important to me). We can go on vacations and eat out at nice places. We can have people over. We don't have a mansion or anything like that, but before I was living in one bedroom in a 4/4 shared with 3 roommates and cosigned on by my parents just to afford rent. Now I live in a 3/3 home in a gated community just for me and him.

Sometimes I think I just need to learn to shut my mouth because if I push him too much I may lose everything and have to go back to living in the situation I was in before, which I hated. Most of the time when I lived like that I was stuck in my bedroom when not at work or school and had to only eat quick frozen/cheap meals because my roommates always hogged the kitchen and there was no room for anything. I lived in a bad part of town and was scared to go anywhere at night. I still have years left before I get my ultimate masters degree so I won't be making good enough money to live on my own for a while. That makes me wonder if I'm being extremely selfish and how many people would give a lot to be where I am now with his help.

Help?

Your significant other is not so significant, is he?
So what attracted you to him in the first place? How did you get matched up with a guy that seems totally wrong for you. It sure sounds like there is no natural chemistry between the two of you.

I can tell this is so, from what you said because as you said, he can be sweet and compliment you etc. However, there are some things that are red flags here, that shouldn't be part of any relationship between two people.

You listed things that were obvious and then others that you may not realize are problems.
Here is what I saw:
You know you don't want to spend the rest of your life with him. So tho you may like some aspects of him, for the most part, you don't love him and won't miss him if he left, only missing his money.

You do all the running of the household, essentially you are his maid and his mother...by dong all the stuff that any bachelor or good husband normally would do, or at least pitch in on. My husband cooks and we both do laundry and he usually starts the cleaning around the home and will ask for my help. I don't have to push him on this.
He isn't happy with you just as you are and is constantly trying to force you to change and morph into the woman he really wants. I learned the hard way that some people are never happy with who you are and will constantly try to change things about you. I did the wrong thing and actually tried to change who I was, my appearance, everything to get his love. My ex, never was in love with me, he admitted that to a counselor in the end. When you change who you are or are always forced to meet a mates expectations, what happens is that your personality and character are not bad things, just not right for him. So when he forces you or you willing change things to have peace, you end up with resentment and unhappiness towards him and there is no way such a relationship will ever be a good one, only rocky and unhappy at best.
Finding him boring is another indicator that you are with the wrong person, although I think you know this deep down inside.
He doesn't satisfy you in bed. This can be a little bit of fault on both sides of each wanting to receive but not to give. However in most situations, it is the fact there is no chemistry as was the case with my ex, yet we had 3 kids. When there is no sexual chemistry, neither is going to feel satisfied and fulfilled is neither inspires the other to feeling strong passion for them simply being being oneself, not dressing up and staging a romantic scene, but you in your own skin, your regular hair and voice. I lucked out the 2nd husband, of course I was real picky, and he gets aroused just by listening to my voice as I talk about generally anything. Then he is willing to do what it takes to make sure I get not only one orgasm but will ask me if I want more and often its two or three, before he is willing to let himself have his own. Once a man has his release, he is less likely to want to spend time pleasing his partner. There can be great sex if both partners are not selfish and just give because there is no way you can give in sex without really getting something out of it. If anyone is selfish here, in this one thing, it is HIM not you.

Thinking high of oneself and everyone else as beneath him, could be the trait of a Narcissist. I knew a friend/neighbor married to one and I got a chance to see this in action and hear such stuff as he talked to me. That or he's a controller, or some other sort of mental related behavior that is a disorder of sorts or a mental illness. Many mentally ill are not obvious and they are high functioning and never have been seen by a doctor.

He had already given up on you being like him or anywhere near it. This is a wrong comparison to have and will hurt a relationship. The right thing for a man is to support and uphold who you are, your talents, interests and to focus on bringing out those aspects of yours, and encouraging you to do what it is you do best and compliment you on it. This is what my 2nd husband does. This is something he wrote to me explaining who he is, what he believes when on a dating site. I knew instantly I'd found a keeper, as long as we had chemistry so we met in person and that was the case.

So he tells you he loves you all the time. It is just a reflex action like when someone asks how you are and we always answer fine, even if we are not. Words aren't always true. Words are cheap. So if a guy only said once that he loved you, how does a female know he loves her? By his actions, how he treats her. If not being treated like a Princess, put up on a pedestal and always looking for a way to do something special for her that she can do herself, then a man is showing by his actions that he loves her. Actions speak louder than words dear. So I am pretty positive that even if he can find one aspect about you that he loves, he doesn't love you and he is not in love with you. I didn't know any of this stuff when I married at 20. I had to learn the hard way. I made the choice to stay with him instead of get a divorce because I could never earn what he did and even then his was not big bucks, so I wouldn't be able to survive on my own. I had to get close to age 50 before I had the guts to simply leave him. It was 8 more years before he was ready to get a divorce. I had a rough two years before I met my husband. I know right now of a woman my husband used to work with who needed a favor from her. She has a new boyfriend but the old one who was abusive is who she went back to, but only for the financial security and she says only for a short time until her other boyfriend can get re-situated in an apt rather than the motel room he has interim. The old bf does his crap but she doesn't let him push her around, and no matter what he asks her to do, if she doesn't like it, she doesnt want to. I pretty much did all the same except rising to his bait for arguments. If I defended myself or verbally fought back, it was like fuel on a fire and he would go ballistic. It was safer to tune out and pretend I was listening to his every hateful word.
So as to your thought of learning to shut your mouth, it is not that you have the problem, he does. However you have to act smarter than him. He may be well educated but he has only book smarts and has no natural wisdom. Wisdom can't be got at schools or fought for and he lacks this or he would have figured out long ago that you are not right for him, to stop trying to change you into someone a little more right for him. What about whats right for you. Obviously this guy is not only, not a good candidate for you but due to his laziness, mommy/maid complex and being selfish, he will not make a good bf or husband to even a girl who would be right for him.

Right now, what you are doing is choosing to have financial security over having a man who truly is in love with you and proves it by his actions. I understand dear. Sometimes, women need to do such things to survive. However, you better be on good birth control because you don't want to accidentally have a kid with this goon.
One choice you have is to stay with him until you are done with school and have a good job and put up with all the crap, or the other choice is to find yourself another guy now, while still living with him. Of course it would have to be secret or he'd probably kick you out. You owe nothing to him because he has been using you as free sex and free maid and that's a plus to his way of thinking. Money not spent on hiring a maid or paid for a street girl, is money he can invest elsewhere to get himself further up the totem pole.

The reason I spent so much time going over the obvious you listed, was to give you another viewpoint. You need to be able to recognize when you have found the Right man. Unless you think you can go back to the way you lived before as your 3rd choice, then you only have the choice of being unhappy for how ever many years you have to put off with his using you while you use him for having a place to live and food, etc... or you start looking for another man, hopefully one who has his own place and then when the new guy wants you to move in, then you tell the current guy goodbye. I know this doesn't sound too on the level but in todays time, there are no other options left to a female who will almost always earn less than a man and still try to live on her own....it's no longer possible in this economy and the cost of living. Do what you must. If you wish to know more on how to start looking for Mr. Right, I have a saved document explaining this and it will help. Its what I used to find my sweet wonderful 2nd husband. Don't ask in the comment section. YOu have to start a new question and go to my column so it can be posted just to me, not the whole group. I wish you the best.



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okay so I like this dude named lucifer. We dont have any classes together or anything and when we text i always hit him up and today was like the first time we talked in person I just walked up to him and was like what class do u have next and he said computers why and i said oh i was just wondering. And im stuck should i stop hitting him up and wait for him to hit me up? should i just forget him and move on? i just really need help.

He wouldn't text with you if he wasn't interested in some way. There are several ways a guy is interested. He may be interested in a girl for sex only, for friendship only-meaning he lacks feeling any chemistry for the romance and sex part, or he wants you for both. Just texting won't tell you which one of these it is.
You likely need more skill with how to have a conversation face to face. The younger generations who grew up with cell phones and texting have little to no experience with that. Just because you came to a dead end in your conversation, doesn't mean he wasn't willing to talk.

First, since I am not of your generation, I want to be clear on the term 'hitting up' and will go by Urban dictionarys description to help you.
It says: hitting up is messaging a guy/girl you find attractive with the soul intention of making you and them an item at some point. So if I am correct, you are hoping that talking to him is the way to make him fall for you and want to ask you to be his girlfriend.

I think I better share with you something about attraction first. I listed the ways a guy may be interested. Now I will share how a guy is attracted because it is important regarding what you want to do.
First, lets say there is a nerdy guy, unpopular and too plain looking for your taste but this guys keeps saying Hi and one day finds the guts to ask for your number. If you give it, he will assume you really like him. Then one day he tries to talk to you in person. Imagine this guy in front of you whom you are not attracted to at all. Is there anything he can say or do to suddenly be attractive to you? If you think there is, then you better try out what you think will work and try it on Lucifer. The truth is, it won't work. This is one of those things scientifically proven in life that seems unfair, especially if you feel attracted to someone. So whats up here? How can one person be attracted and the other is not attracted back. Animals have something called Pheromones and use this to attract another of their species to mate. Humans have pheromones too but not much study has been done on it. However I can tell you from my own experience that no matter how rich or handsome a guy is, if there wasn't identical pheromones coming from both of us or at least a close match, then a kiss from such a handsome guy would still feel gross, as if I just received a romantic kiss from my Dad or Uncle. That bad news is that whatever pheromones you were born with, you can not change. So when a person is attracted to someone who doesn't feel a pheromone connection subconsciously, then the person feeling something is mistaking what they feel for true mutual attraction. So what I am telling you that you would do well to remember, is that you can not force a person to feel attraction to you, it is not possible. So you can start out with friendship with any guy and later after being friends a while ask the following question: 'We are doing great as friends. It makes me wonder if we'd also do great as more than friends. What do you think?" This question opens the idea of moving on into a BF-GF relationship. However you must ask his opinion because that is vital to knowing whether you've got a red light or green light. If he doesn't feel romance and attraction and strictly only friendship, like a kid sister, then he will say, no, thats not a good idea or admit to not feeling that way about you. If he does feel it, he doesnt have to admit it, just agree its a good idea and then either of you plan a real date, start holding handing, kissing, etc.

I know this is all jumping ahead but you need to know this before even trying to have a conversation in person.
Now, you need to be a good listener. If a girl is asked a question like you asked him, she will not only tell you what class she has next but likely let you know if she likes the teacher, if she has friends in the class, etc. You get some detail. Guys are more simple, they only answer the question you ask. Yes, there will always be sexes who are a bit different than the general population but for the most part, his answer was a typical one, answering and asking why you asked. To him it probably seemed like an out of the blue question, one that he was wondering why you asked. It would be like a girl asking you why you wore that outfit. You would probably answer 'because I like it' but for her to not have been already talking to you and just walk up, wouldn't you wonder why she asked or if she noticed something off about your outfit and you would want to know, right? I sure would. I would ask, Why do you ask.
So he didn't do anything wrong.
Saying you were just wondering is okay. But if a girl answered you the same way, you would wonder why she was just wondering in the first place, am I right?
First, take a deep breath, keep your cool and just start talking and weave in some truth. You don't have to tell all the truth. You can mention a piece of truth to start to launch your conversation.
The truth here is that you both text to chat but never have in person and likely neither of you know anything about each other. Most of what is found in texting is short abbreviations with very little real data or information so its a very bad way to get to know someone. Now using the cell to actually call and chat is better. But in person is the best because you get to pick up on body language, facial expressions and have tone of voice which you don't have in texting. This is crucial. If a friends offers you something and you shake your head No, then she could either be upset with you rejecting her nice gesture or find it funny and want to tease you. So her words "What, you don't like my present?" can be said in an upset tone, angry tone, or it could sound lighthearted with exaggerated facial expressions and a smile. It is good to know when its a tease or if someone is offended. That way you aren't trying to back track as you would assume you should if you got that in a text.

So you could have said, "We text but I literally don't know much about you yet. I would like to fix that problem and so I will start with a question. What is your next class?
With that, he has already been given the reason why you asked so he can't say, Why do you ask.
Also, the explanation hints that this should be a two way thing. You find out more about him and he finds more out about you. So if he simply answered but doesn't ask a question of you in return, you would have to prompt him and this means the chat doesn't stop there as it did for you. So at first, you will have to think through ahead of approaching him, what you want to ask and how to phrase it best. think in your mind how you might answer someone asking you the same thing, and how it could go wrong. ITs hard like this at first but once you get used to how to start conversation, it won't take any pre planning and you just let the words flow. I used to have social anxiety as a child and teen and was terrified of approaching people to start conversation because I had no idea how to do it and we didn't even have cell phones back then.

Another trick is not asking a question that can be answered with a yes or no cus it often dead ends there. You need them to say enough and listen to their answer so you can pick up on something they said and use it to make your next comment. He only said the word Computers, so you have no choice but say something about computers. So if could be anything but should be true, If you hate learning computers, you said, "I hate computers and learning about them. I am happier with my iphone and using the internet and apps. If that is all you say for example, he can only make a comment or ask based on phones, apps or not liking computers. He might ask or agree or make a comment in return or simply nod his head and say no more.

Usually if a guy is pressed for time or its a bad time to talk like getting to class on time, he will not say much. If he is somewhat interested in you as a friend but not more, not for becoming a couple ever, then he is not as likely to work hard at keeping the conversation going.
Now if a guy is interested, it won't take much for him to make an effort and continue the conversation, just to spend more time in your presence. For people of any age, either the conversation is like pulling teeth to get an answer, or it flows so easily that you both actually notice that fact. However, you are just starting to learn how to hold conversations in person. I wouldn't assume the guy isn't interested if you have trouble with chatting face to face in the first place, not yet. Later, once you are good at this, if you are trying to talk with him and it seems you have to drag conversation out of him, then there probably isn't any chemistry or pheromone connection at all between you. It isn't your conscious mind that figures this out but your subconscious mind picks up on something, senses it.
My example: I was taking a baby granddaughter out of her car seat after giving her and her Mommy a ride home. Before lifting her out, something pricked my senses telling me to look up and I did to see a man walking his Dog down the sidewalk. He was staring at me and as he kept walking, he started looking back over his shoulder at me. It was split seconds but I knew I was picking up on a mutual interest as he was too. We hadn't spoken at all, just seen each other. Never saw him again. Its something more like that.

Another hint: Compliment people and get them started talking about themselves. People tend to believe you are the best conversationalist if you are asking them to talk abut themselves while you do all the listening except for asking another question or two along the way. Hope this helps. If you get stuck again and want to know another different way you could have handled it, just write me the details of the conversation and I will give you ideas. Even though its after the fact, you can still learn from it this way.

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We are in our 20s and don’t know what to do. The only option given to me is for me to convert to being muslim. It sucks because he does not want to let down his parents and wants his parents to accept me. If they find out he is still speaking to me, they would arrange a marriage for him and force him to marry whomever they choose. They even told him if I decide to convert my whole family basically would have to do the same or do whatever is “halal” like his family. Which I think is nonsense cause my family would never do such a thing. I really feel like his parents just don’t want him with me...There has to be another way to get through this. Yes, conversion is a big step to take in my life but I really do love him and can picture and fully be okay with having a future with him. I really don’t know what to do...I really can’t and do not want to lose him. Someone please help

All I can say is that obviously, his family is very strict as I have only heard that a Muslim person was able to marry a non muslim who converted but their family didn't have to. I really do not know or understand all their rules, nor do I want to learn as I know I would never want to be in that position.
Since your family will not change how they believe, then it sounds like there is no way it will work. He would have to be willing to be cut off from his family, disowned and shamed for choosing to be with you and marry you. After 18, a person is an adult and should be making decisions on their own, following their own heart, not the wishes or demands of parents. So it may be that your BF, does not really want to convert or even compromise, because he knows what he faces if he disobeys the laws his family follow as Muslims.

I will say this about choosing ones partner, After a divorce, I was looking for a new husband. the first husband I married at 20 and assumed he was a good guy cus he attended church. A pastor coined the following phrase in a lesson of his. "Just because you find a mouse in your cookie jar, that doesn't make him a cookie." So you can't assume all is as it seems and all is what you expect. He was sweet for about a month after marriage and then turned into a horrible person who was verbally abusive to me the entire marriage until I left after 30 years and it took him 8 more years to be ready to agree to divorce.
So after the divorce I was not meeting the opposite of him, a real good guy, as there were plenty who I caught in lies early on, or those who pretended to be someone they were not, ones with a temper that showed up only when they thought I was smitten with them. A guy tends to think they can get a female to put up with a lot up crap all in the name of love. And sometimes, they say the words but have no idea how to truly love a woman, or anyone people outside of a couple relationship. I met so many I got frustrated and prayed and told God if He couldn't send me someone, even an advanced being from an alien planet, that I would not marry again or even date. I got an answer in prayer, to make a list of the qualities I wanted in a man. These had to have things so important to me that if not present in the man, then that was a deal breaker. The example I give other when illustrating this principle is that if you want children and he does not ever want even one child, then that is a deal breaker. If he is one religion and you are another and he will not accept you having your own beliefs but pressuring you to convert, then that is another example of a deal breaker.
I assume you believe there is a God but are not very involved in church or any particular traditional religion or are perhaps just somewhat spiritual. If you really had a true relationship with God/Jesus and don't hold as tightly to being a denomination member like Catholic, Baptist, Lutheran for example, then a person who has such a relationship will always believe that and can not be swayed to adopt ways of what you know and believe that may be very contrary to your own. It could be simply that you still believe what you believe but put on the act, doing all the things a muslim woman does, doing the customs and rituals to their satisfaction. But you would be doing an act to make these people happy. I highly doubt that you would truly be able to agree whole heartedly with all their beliefs if in your heart you know differently.
This is why I put on my list of must haves in a man, that he be open minded to allow me to believe as I do and not want to convert me to anything else. He had to be a spiritual person not religious. Religion to me is more of the scaffolding to help a person learn how to navigate the particular belief, but it is all about your actions, not what your heart believes and has absolutely nothing to do with a persons relationship with God, or shall I say their Heavenly Father.I didn't understand until I grew older, and learned to think for myself rather than believe without questioning all I was told in church. I'll give an example, when a volcano erupted and buried a whole village of people who had never had the benefit of a missionary coming there to preach about Jesus, I asked several pastors, if they believed those people would go to Hell because they never had a chance to accept Jesus. They couldn't answered and some said yes and that's why its important to send missionaries out into the world. No one ever said God would talk to you and accept current vernacular/speech and that he has a sense of humor. I have experienced that humor and God speaking little things into my mind that were funny, just to make me laugh, I find that so precious, and it did what it was supposed to do, help me see Him as more real, very real. Because I know who my heavenly Father is, there is no way anyone could ever make me ignore him and except someone elses belief of a different God Allah, who isn't really a diffent God, its the same God who created people who believe a different way or even an imperfect or wrong belief. But the God they describe is one they have misinterpreted or created in their own minds and from the little I have read on Muslims, their God does not resemble my heavenly Father at all. I hope you put some major research into this all before blindly accepting to go along with their beliefs. There will be some things they don't tell you at first, same thing as in any faith, the stuff they know if much harder to convince a person of or get them to understand it or pretend to even if they don't.

My suggestion would be to walk away from him if he will not leave his family or choose to be with you without you converting and despite his family never speaking to him for the rest of his life. However, I highly doubt that will happen. Muslims and Christians seem to be the only group of religious people who both feel they are right and everyone else is wrong and therefore must come to belief their religion. So already there, you can see, both can not be right and one wrong. Just be careful hon, and don't accept something because you feel love, something you may regret later.

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Maam/Sir:

I feel so down today. I want to open up this to my friends but I was so shy to ask for an advice. I''ve been a guitarist in our church for about 1yr now and still I feel like, I''m not improving. I have also my churchmate, a guitarist, and I felt envy sometimes because, she was better than me. Everybody notices her. I''m so proud of her and smiled at her but deep inside, it hurts me. And I also felt like my mentor like to teacher her more than me because I am slow. Any advices? or Encouragements? Thank you. ❤️

I have been shy in my past and also had an anxiety, social anxiety as well as having low self esteem, and no confidence. I also had lots of distorted thinking. I think I am seeing all of this in what you wrote. My advice on this is going to big very long because there is a lot to cover, there is no quick simple fix.
If by 'feeling down' you mean that you are depressed, then it depends on whether you tend to get this feeling in other areas of your life? If this is a one time thing, then perhaps you are more feeling blue, lonely, upset about where you are at.
A true depression affects your appitite so you don't want to eat, you only want to sleep and can't motivate yourself to get going and do things each day for a few examples.
I am guessing you are simply sick and tired of being the way you are. In this, you truly have to hit rock bottom before you will be willing to do whatever it takes to raise your self esteem, become confident, or overcome a fear of people as far as talking to them or confiding in them.
I will tell you of documents I have pre-made to simply paste in if you wish to hear the topic and get the advice. It would be too long too share all here at once. So, if you would like to know how to overcome shyness, that is one document, if you would like to know how gain self esteem and high confidence, thats another one. If you would like to hear more about the problem of distorted thinking and how it affects the life of a person and how to recognize it and how to stop it, that is another document. Pick one and I will share. When you've recieved my answer, if wanting to hear another, you'd have to write me again, but write your request only from going to my column and writing from there, not from writing in the comments section of this answer.

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My boyfriend wants me to introduce myself to his mother while his in Dubai. I have no idea what and how. Advice please.

And where is his mother, in your country or in the U.A.E.? If she lives in your country, and he wants you to meet her, he shouldn't be leaving that up to you to just call or show up on her step and introduce yourself. That is something I have never heard of in my entire life. So maybe it is a custom from his country if he is of a nationality other than you, or perhaps it is how his parents did things and he thinks its normal. If he doesn't have enough time to introduce you both to each other and actually be present at this meeting before he goes to Dubai, then he should wait and do so after he gets back. If his mom is in another country, then the only way to introduce yourself is to do so over the phone. If he is asking you to call, he should at least let his Mother know that he would like if she has a chance to talk to his girlfriend and that he has given the girlfriend Moms number so Mom can expect a call from you at some point. But without any warning ahead, asking you to call her, it just sounds awkward to me. I know if any of my daughters had asked their current boyfriend to phone me or show up at my door when I had never met them before, I would not be as welcoming, even if they produced the right name. A person could have gotten the name in some way and is using this as a ruse to get into my home and then rob me or something. I am generally a trusting person if I have had a chance to gauge a persons character before welcoming them into my home. I have no special hints on what to do because to me and how I was raised, this request is in bad taste and could be seen as bad manners. So if you are willing to do so, tell him to initiate the process by preparing MOm, telling her of a phone call or a visit. You could stand your ground and say you will not do so unless he has some part in it. If he can explain the haste to do so while he is gone rather than do so with him after he gets back and it is reasonable, then maybe you will do it.
I am a very outgoing friendly person and even I would not like being told to do this for someone, meet a family member who has never met me before and do so on my own, without them present. Introductions are done like this: Bill and his wife Sheila are at Starbucks when in walks a coworker of his, Tim. He is not going to tell his wife o walk up to the guy and introduce herself as his coworker Bills wife, but he will get Tims attention and say something like "Hi buddy. Never thought I'd run into you here. Tim this is my wife Sheila and Sheila, this is Time. He's the one I told you I usually eat lunch with and he is the IT guy at our company.
That is how it truly is done, the the person who knows both people, but both people have never met, maybe only heard of each other, that person does the job of introducing both to each other. You'd have to ask him what he wants you to do and how to go about it or insist he does it the way you were raised, he has to be present in any introductions.

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I am going to be turning twenty-six on March 16. For my birthday, I have an entire weekend of activities planned for my birthday. Anyway, I used my Christmas money to buy tickets for Justin Timberlake’s Man of the Woods Concert at Oracle Arena in Oakland on Friday, March 15 at 7:30 PM. However, m parents do not want me to attend the concert because my birthday is the next day and I am going to be meeting up with some friends of mine in Monterey and San Jose the next day. Despite this, I would still like to attend the concert. I gave eye xtra tickets to a couple friends of mine so we can all go to the concert together, but now I may have to sell my ticket to my friend’s parents. Another reason why my parents do not want me to attend the concert is because a lot of Justin Timberlake fans are African American and my parents fear that I am going to get beat up or killed if I go to the concert. I do like Justin Timberlake, but I already have a lot planned for my birthday. What should I do about this situation?

On my actual birthday, I am going to be seeing Shrek the Musical in Mountain View with my parents, my former neighbor, my father’s coworker, and her two daughters. However, I have started a relationship with my high school Spanish teacher’s son, who will be turning forty on March 20. He and his sons have expressed interest in seeing the play with me. He said that he would reimburse me if I gave him the extra tickets, but I have no more extra tickets available. What should I say to Johnny when March comes? I would like to see Johnny again, but I do not want to disappoint him. Please let me know what you think I should do.

You are an adult. You became an adult legally at 18. That would close to it. If your parents still pressure you to do things their way or insist and make your life miserable until you cave in, then I doubt it's happening only for your birthday but its been going on quite some time. This sounds like a case of the parents taking control over an adult childs life. Their reasons for not wanting you to go are flimsy and don't even make any sense. The only place that can be dangerous and even then it has no bearing on the race background of those in attendance, is the mosh pit. I took my two school age kids to a Christian concert and to the front where they could see the singer. I figured it would be safer, being a Christian concert but I was in danger of being knocked down while trying to shield my daughters from being trampled or hurt and the guards at the front invited us come inside the roped off area by the stage to keep us safe. I will never enter a mosh put again. And there weren't any African Americans there, just white people. So if you avoided the mosh pit, you'd probably be fine. Apparently your parents have issues with the friends you choose if they don't want you to visit them. If they have rap sheets, are drug dealers, drunk most the time, etc. then I can understand and it is good that they care if thats the case. But if they just don't like the personalitys, thats too bad. You need to learn on your own what good friends are and friends of todays time are not going to look like or sound like the friends they had when they were your age. I have to remind myself of that with my grown kids in late twenties and into thirties. I am not saying that I get worried or alarmed over some choices my kids make. But the parenting and training part of a parents job is over. All a parent can do now is be available as your sounding board, and that means if you ask them for their perspective on an issue or descision you are facing, only then can a parent rightfully tell you what they think. If you have not asked them for advice, then it is unwanted. I have tried asking my kids if they would like me to share some of my perspectives on (the subject at the time) trying to get permission to share with them and they have always said no. The only way your parents can hold such control over you is because you gave control of your life away to them. It can be stuff one wouldn't dream a parent tries to influence but where you go to relax, what friends you have, who you are dating and who you choose to marry, what college you go to, what part of town you live in if not with the parents, and on and on These are decisions you should be making for yourself, even if you are not making the best decisions because you lacked input from asking for advice. It is good you are asking now. I have a daughter who is a wonderful person but clueless when it comes to some things. When she heard that her Dad took her younger married sister, husband and child to a weekend in a snowy tourist town, she whined and complained, "Why didn't you invite me?" The answer my son in law gave was,"There wasn't any room." Which is true. It didn't compute with her and she started with "But ...." and he quckly said, "We didn't think you'd like being strapped to the roof and its probably not legal. All seats in the little car were taken and there wasn't room inside. You probably are not clueless as my daughter because you are at least writing in for advice.
Sounds like what they want to do on your birthday is something mostly of their choices with guests that are only their choice. Didn't sound like you had any friends invited. I will assume the parents bought the tickets to the musical. If so, unless you can somehow come up with the extra money on your own to pay for your ticket, Johnny and how ever many sons, IF tickets can still be bought that is, then do it. If it can't be done, let the guy know it is too late to get extra tickets. As for the concert, tell the parents this is something of your choice, and you will be going. If they feel any better, you can send them quick texts through out your time at the concert. A simple "I am still okay." would suffice but you will not be answering them if they text you during the concert. Then I would let them know I will be visiting my friends as well. But thank them for their concern. It is proof that they love you and are concerned for your welfare, no matter how they show it in a 'not so good way.' Basically you have to grow some backbone and thank them for their perspective or concerns but it is your life and you are going to make your own decisions. This does not go against the commandment to Honor your Father and Mother. It is hard for a parent to no longer treat adult children as they did when they were minors. It is hard and many never make the transition to the totally different relationship as far as their role now and how to interact if there is no teaching or correcting needed. They will need to be made aware of this if they persist if you stand your ground. If they whine and cry and throw a fit and say you're being difficult, it is not you but them out of line and acting like kids. Yes, it happens sometimes. In which case, I would suggest turning to a trust adult relative, and aunt or uncle who you know understands the con cept I share of how to deal with adult children properly and have them talk to your parents to set them on the right tract. If they simply can't see you as an adult and not treat you as one, they are doing a great disservice. One day they will be dead and you will still be an adult without any idea how to be an adult and make decisions because they made them all for you.

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Due to a medical condition i have to drop out from engineering college but want to study cse from a good college. Is there any chance of admission in the cse branch of jadavpur university if i have 51.6% average marks in PCM and belong to the obc b category with a wbjee rank around 100 ?

Hi there. There are not many people on here who may be able to answer your question, I certainly can't. Eather than wait for an answer that may never come, I would advise you contact that college you speak of and ask them. Even if it's a long way until you are ready to attend if eligible, it is best to ask them about their policids, especially if a medical condition is involved. I am sure that some places will, and others will not take a student depending on their ability to cater to any special needs.

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recently i started liking some music from the 90s to the present day and musicains and bands from the 60s and 70s seem to have aged and ones the 90s and 2000s are still going strong and not real old curious to know why bands from the 90s to now are not as old as the ones from the 60s to the 80s ?

As this isn't a problem but just something you wonder about, I won't have to offer any advice, just try to help you see how if you look at this by counting years, you can have the answer.

Most all bands, whether started in the 50s, 60's 70s, 80's 90's or after 2000, have members who were teenagers at the time they started or at least in their twenties.
Lets take the Beatles for just one example.
John met Paul in 1957 so at the time John was 17 and Paul was 15. John asked Paul to join his band the Quarry men. A year later, Paul had managed to convince John to let George join even though he was 14. I may have the age wrong but he was very young. They finally met Ringo when Ringo was 22. The band the Beatles was together and creating songs long before they bacame known as a hit by the public. It is pretty much the same for todays bands. It is not often that 30 40 or older people start up a band. By then they are settled into other careers and playing music and jamming on the side with friends is something they only do for fun, not for a way to earn a living.

So if band members were teenagers when they started, no matter the year, they age accordingly. So a Band form the 90s if lets say all were 20 at the time they started and we'll say the yeaer 200o, then today they'd be 18 yaars older, and so are 38.
The Beatles were in their 20s sometime in the 60's or late 60s. Lets use the age 20 again. The start we'll say is 1968. So 2018 is 50 years later and you add 50 to their age. That would be 20 plus 50 and they'd be in their 70s or close to it today. As you know, not all of the Beatles are even alive anymore at this point, only McCarthy. So comparing band members of a 90s band to those of 60s and comparing ages today, ofcourse the older bands have older members.

If you mean that the age of 90s band members are younger and not as old as the ages of those who started in the 60s. Well, if most started in their teens and twenties, that would mean that the newer bands have members who start out as elememtary school aged to teens as the oldest. That does not make sense. i do not know of any bands with 5th or 6th graders who started popular bands in the 90s and up to today. If you meant something else, please reword it as these are the only two ways I could interpret what you were asking

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Hi Dragonflymagic,

I’m writing to you to ask on advice about a “friend” I met this girl through a mutual friend in my first year of university and our friendship was good earlier but now all it is her asking favours. She never texts me to talk about anything if it’s not school related. Now at days she skips class knowing I’ll go so she can ask me for the notes. I told her in december that I got a volunteer position at a hospital related to our major she seemed envious/happy at the same time but now she’s asking me “where is the link you used to apply to get the job” common sense would’ve told her to find it herself through the volunteer section at any hospital website but she had to ask me. During the school year she would go as far as to ask “where is our exam located” “what time does our class start” stupid things like that. Whenever I confront her in person she just says “I wasn’t sure so that’s why I asked”. It’s starting to piss me off yesterday she asked me for the notes and I sent them to her she didn’t say thank you until today then went on to ask for another favours. She keeps doing that a lot not responding till the next day, then adding a favour. In person she’s totally different she’ll bring up topics not related to school but over text it’s like I’m her personal google. I know I should stop but then I won’t have a friend to hangout with at school please help?

I know how easy it is to feel used. I have lived longer than you and so have learned a few other things too. I can get irritated, I do get angry too, just the gut reaction feeling to feeling used. However I have read plenty of stories where at the start, I am feeling angry in support of the person like yourself but once the story goes on, it reveals some problems or issues in the other persons life, that prevent them from being able to do the same things we do so easy. In some cases, the person isn't willing to ask for help if it is problems or issues of their own bad choosing in which case if we continue to feel manipulated by guilt or lonliless or other emotions, we can end up enabling them to remain stuck.
Some times a person is born with difficulties although they appear normal and that could be contributing to the problem and how they treat you. In some cases, a learning disorder, memory problems, a mental disability has gone undetected all this time and it will take someone questioning them and showing concern to get to the bottom of this without laying guilt on the person.
Sometimes a person is having things done to them, how they were treated growing up, an ex friend or boyfriend, someone who keeps demanding their time or help so they can't be fully present following the schedule in their own life. In this case, she is only at fault for caring for the person usurping her time and enabling them also so she ends up unable to do what she must for college or she may come from a dysfunctional family where she believes her actions to be normal and not wrong at all. Yes, even in something like you see her doing.
You said you know you should stop but fear losing her as a friend. It depends on what you choose to start doing when she texts for help. So don't think of it as a negative as in stopping doing what she asks of you but asking questions and trying to find out what the real problems are behind her acting this way.

What is she has gone her whole life without ADD being found to be her problem? Or perhaps her parents were adamant that she not recieve any medication for it as a child and she has coped so far the best she can. What I am trying to say is that it is possible that if she gets the right treatment and is taught how to work around her ADD,(if she has it--this is just one example) then she may not have to ask you for help anymore. I can see an ADD person having trouble concentrating, missing the exam details or homework info. due to their condition and once it's happened too often, they give up, stop attending class and figure a way around their problem, asking another person to provide them with the info they need.

If this or something similar is the case, then in confronting her about her always asking for help, way more than any regular person would, may bring the issue to the surface and you can suggest her going to the school counselor and asking for help with her condition. In this case, you are not in anger, knowing the real reasons and not losing her as a friend as she most likely will be endeared to you even more as a friend for looking out for her best interests.

There is no way to know what the issues are until you start talking to her and it has to be face to face, no text. I am sure that prompt text replies can be a challenge if a person has ADD.

So my advice is to talk to her as if you were trying to help, curious, not pissed at her, more like gentle suggestions and counsel or good advice.

I will give an example of how I would proceed if it was me having to talk to someone about this issue. You will of course use your own words, because it has to come from your own heart and mind not something you say that is memorized because she might sense it isn't genuine then.

In person now and Linda is chatting about a movie she wants to go see. I make a comment or two about how that sounds good but then I take over the conversation changing the subject. "Linday, you know I value you as a friend. And as your friend I am concerned by something I am seeing you do often. It makes me wonder if my imagination is running wild or if there are some issues behind it all that may reveal a problem you are having. I want you to know that as your friend you can trust me. (Anytime she interrupts, I talk over her saying, Linda listen and don't interrupt until I am done because to me, this is very important. Please?)
So what I can't figure out is why you seem to always be texting me for information on: (and I list for her all the things. Then with a smile and a little laugh after, I can see using the part you said to me) It almost makes me feel like I am your personal Google. (And laugh, like it was meant as a joke not as your frustration.) I don't think I am blowing it out of proportion as no one else ever asks me that often if at all. If someone does ask, it only happens once and thats all.
So I can't help but wonder what might be going on in your life that might be contributing to your always texting for help and information. I don't want to make it sound like I am making a big deal of nothing. It isn't nothing if you have a learning disorder, ADD, or some other condition that was never caught and you feel this is normal because you've always been this way, but Linda, as your friend, I want you to know, that this isn't normal. So I just want you to admit if you suspect something like this going on for you because there is help for those kinds of things. I just want you to get help if thats the case. Wait, I am not done yet.(very possible she will start talking to refute this at this point so I would say I am not done yet as often as I need to)
My wild imagination has come up with other possibilities, like perhaps an addiction to some drug, one that prevents you from being able to attend class. If I keep giving you the answers, and you are addicted, you will not get better. Because I care what happens to you, I am afraid now to simply give you answers instead of letting you find them on your own. I know the teachers would wonder whats up if you had to contact them as often as you contact me to get info on where the exam is located if it happens routinely.
If this is simply a bad habit you got into or you have been lazy, not that I haven't been lazy at points in my past, but this is important, this is college and a degree you are working towards that requires you to be here in the present and not missing from class or missing info in class if not paying attention. These issues could affect your graduating. If you do graduate, it could affect your entire work life, losing jobs because of whatever you didn't learn how to deal with through proper help. I am not proper help. So you must either tell me what is really going on, or you skip me and go straight to a counselor. If your heart isn't in the degree you're supposedly going after, like maybe parents forcing you to take these classes, then that is something important to deal with as well and I will go with you as your friend if you are afraid to go alone to see a school counselor, but whatever the problems are, there are steps you can take to fix them and a counselor is the one qualified to do that.

This is something that I would say to a friend if her behavior changed. If she had always been like this, she wouldn't be my friend in the first place. She may never want to admit to you what is going on. In your job, volunteering at Hospital or later as your job position, you will come across all sorts of people in life, the nice, sweet, caring, indifferent, impatient, mean, nasty tempered and so on. It's a mixed bag and there is no way you will skate through life never coming across another odd situation like your friend whom I called Linda for the example. It isn't your job to fix these people. Even a psychologist can not fix a person with a mental issue, that person needs to recognize and be able to admit they have a problem instead of saying they don't have a problem. Then they need to be willing to do whatever their Dr. asks them to do, willing to do anything to get better. Adults have free will and sometimes you will meet people who refuse your encouragement, friendship or even suggestion for where to turn for professional help. It is hard to see a person suffer and not get the help they need because they are stubborn or unable to see how bad off they are. Only if something they continuously choose is life threatening to them such as an adult who is a hoarder and the conditions they like in are unsanitory for them and any children or pets living in the same home, will a government agency be able to come in and force them to do something about it or get them to help. Thats one example I remember from people I know who were hoarders. And though the place was packed, crowded and messy, it was not a health hazard yet.

As you can see, if you choose to change your attitude by changing your viewpoint, you may learn the real truth. The best outcome is that she get helps and changes for the better and s tops using you as her personal google.
The worst possible outcome is you're finding out that she indeed is lazy, doesn't care about you the same as you care about her and may not want to change, or won't admit she is doing anything wrong. And it she refuses to stop, even if it is s imply due to a bad habit, and being lazy, then you might have to make the hard decision to drop her as a friend. Fearing having no friend is not a good reason to put up with this, which continues to irritate you and doesn't help her any either.

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I'm a sixteen year old high school girl (in a couple months I'll be 17). Some months back, shortly after getting my license, I was responsible for a car accident that severely injured the driver of the car I struck. The accident was due to me texting while driving. I walked away with a few bruises; he had to be taken away in an ambulance. After the police completed their investigation, I was charged with vehicular assault.

Soon I'll have to go to court to accept a deal we've reached w/ the prosecutor. The upside is it'll allow me to be convicted and sentenced as a juvenile. However, I'll have to spend 90 days locked up in the county juvenile detention center.

I own the fact that what I did was stupid and reckless and I know that I'm lucky it didn't end worse than it did. I also know that I totally deserve my punishment. I already plan on writing my victim a letter of apology from juvie if he's not in court to see me sentenced.

I don't know what to do about my parents though. I know they're extremely disappointed in me and I can't blame them. I just wish I knew how to start mending our relationship because I hate how things are between us now. All trust is lost. Any advice?

For whatever it may be worth, I'm really sorry about what I did. I promise I'll never do anything like that ever again.

I believe you dear. You did not have to volunteer all the detailed information. You did not have to admit to being at fault and sorry it happened and learning form your mistake. But you did do those things, and that is not the actions of someone who is not repentant and/or not wanting to better.

I know of adults who still text while driving, I see it all the time. Just yesterday we sat at a turn signal and the person in front was looking at their phone because they were not actually driving. Unfortunately, since not looking at the light, they missed it when it turned green and at the last second realized it had been green and turned through a red light, and we did not get to turn. Hubby was mad as he was driving. But we only had to wait for another light cycle till we could go, no biggie. However, if that person had hit someone who started and had the right of way, there would have been an accident. This is why many lights now are delayed to not turn green for the right of way person but is delayed in case people take risks going through intersections when they shouldn't.
So while there are reasons teens tend to do stuff more often that are bad decisions, I would say with you that it isn't necessarily your age but simply a feeling of, this couldn't possibly happen to me. Sure many take risks and text while driving and nothing happens to them but its like playing Russian roulette. That is when only one bullet is put into the chamber of a Revolver. A person spins the chamber and has no idea of whether a bullet is lined up with the barrel of the gun and pulls the trigger while holding it at their head. An empty click sounds and the gun is now passed to the next person. The odds are pretty good that the majority of people playing this, may not get shot but eventually, one person will die. People like games of odds. Playing the lottery, even though the odds of you winning are slim is another example. But in this game of odds, you can't possibly hurt anyone else or you can't hurt yourself to the possibility of death, but maybe at worst be tight on money or unable to pay a bill if you made a bad decision to spend a lot of money on lottery.

I say this all because these are things an adult, like your parents will be thinking. We too often forget anything dumb we did as kids and teens especially if nothing too bad happened or at least, not to the extent of what you did. My husband even told me when he was a teen, he gave a ride to someone who directed him what house to take him to He invited him to come inside and wait while he picked something up and came back out to be dropped off at home. First, hubby who was a teen then, did not know at first that this house was not his home until the man said he'd pick something up and asked him to wait. Hubby realized this was a high crime neighborhood and a couple of scary men looking like convicts, stepped out onto the porch and ignored his ride but started towards the car. Hubby didn't wait to see what would happen, he hit the gas in reverse not caring if he hit any parked cars and quickly sped out of there. He was shaking, realizing this was likely a drug dealer picking up stuff and his supplier wasn't all too happy about the dealer having chosen any innocent person to drive him there who could identify them and the address ever if need be. Hubby knew he got away with his life and he told me he never did anything stupid like that again. No more rides to people he did not know. He was too trusting in strangers until then. Perhaps you were too trusting in your ability to do two things at once.

I can only guess repercussions for you besides the parents loss of trust. Trust once lost takes an enormouse amount of time to rebuild, much longer than it was to gain originally. It is best you don't try to say things like, see how well I did this, see how responsible I was in that, because every person has their own time in which they regain trust. Simply do and be the kind of person they raised you to be. The trick to earning trust or regaining trust is to be consistent in who you are. I even looked for consistency when choosing a man to be my 2nd husband, I learned the hard way with the first. I learned he was totally inconsistent in everything he said or did. There was no pattern I could count on. Your parents will be looking for how you are consistent in good behavior before they allow themselves to trust again. At least, if they are normal rational adults they will trust at some point again whether it takes months or a year or two. If the parents are fairly dysfunctional people, I can't say that they may trust again, at least not until they forget the past.
That shouldn't be an issue but I mention it in case this is the one case where things don't go as I say.
You may no longer be allowed to drive a car or even have your own cell phone. If this is the case, it may last until you are legally an adult and can support yourself. At that point, if you are working and can pay all car costs, tabs gas, insurance, up keep and of course buying a phone and paying for the service, that may be the only way you will get your hands on a car or cell phone again. You are an adult at 18, but if still living under the parents roof, you will have to comply with their wishes regarding the house, like no playing loud music after a certain time, but if you pay your own phone car, and pay them a little for rent to cover costs of power, water, food, that is reasonable and they can't expect you to date whom they want or have any say in where you go to college if you are paying your own way.

For now, it may be best to assume they are watching what you do all the time, watching your every move. So whether watching or not, take the focus off yourself and what you did wrong, how you hurt an innocent person and focus on what good things you can do for others. This is what you can learn from what you did. I can list a few things to give you some ideas but I am sure you can find ways to help. Once in Juvie hall, if there is any way to go above and beyond the basics that are expected of you, do so. Many kids in there will not be repentant, only sorry they ended up in there and will continue to follow a bad path after they are out. Find ways you can help other teens in there as long as not outside the rules, and offer to help with tasks of the adult supervisors.
When out of Juvie hall, I am sure you will be continuing school. I know some HS allow older kids to take a period when there is no class to be a teachers helper. I did this both in middle school and HS. Remember that saying about 'Paying It Forward', it doesn't mean you pay a favor back to someone who paid you one but do it for someone else. I feel it works the same if you somehow hurt someone, you can't really do anything to pay the other driver back, but you can focus on doing the right thing, and kind things to help others. If there is a church in your area that offers meals to the elderly and homeless, you could volunteer there. Usually its retired people with the time to do such a thing but I have seen young people come occasionally where hubby and I volunteer every Tuesday to do this. Tutoring in school if great at one subject is a good way to help others, or if you ask at an elementary school to help sit with kids struggling to learn to read or spell, that is another way. While in School, it will be hard to find ways to invest much time to helping others, but it can be small things, helping a friend to carry something bulky, saying kind words to a cashier or barista who was just chewed out by a mean hearted customer for no reason. I do that all the time. There are many unhappy people in the world and doing whatever little thing you can do to offset mean hateful words will mean alot. Perhaps someone is shy and has few friends, I once was like that. I appreciated anyone brave enough to start conversation with me. Perhaps you know someone who is having a baby. You can't afford to buy them anything, but you can offer a couple nights of babysitting so the parents can go out and spend time keeping their relationship alive. I have heard of people who check in on their elderly neighbors from time to time to see how they are doing. Lets say you are running to the store to pick up a couple items and you go have a little chat, see how they are doing and in parting say you are going to the grocery and ask if there is anything you can pick up for them. They are too frail to get out, no longer drive, can't afford uber or a personal shopper and not coming to the point and making it the fist thing you ask won't make them feel bad and rather happy to have such a good neighbor willing to think of them. Maybe like a neighbor of my inlaws did, after a heavy snow, they simply started shoveling the path to their house and using rock salt to get rid of ice. They didn't ask to do it because they were on friend terms and knew them well enough that they would have said, you don't have to do that or simply say no. But I know how excited they were to tell me of a neighbor who simply did this. I hope this gives you the idea of what you can do to brighten someones life, band together with others in reaching a goal where you help a person or a group of people. All I can say is that people will start to take notice. Even guests in your parents home, if you ask if you can go refill their cup for them, even if its something they can do themselves, that is an action that parents will see as something good, especially if you never bring up that you are doing this to prove you have learned your lesson. Saying such things will negate your actiion because they will assume you are doing things only to get on their good side. If you do sweet little things like this, offering to help them with whatever they are doing, but not just them, other persons, they will take it all in and eventually realize that you grew up and matured and became a person worthy of their trust again. I hope this doesn't sound too fary tale-ish, but I can say with confidence that this does work. HOw long it will take, I can't say. But I hope you continue to do wonderful things to help your fellow man.
If in the future, some is not willing to trust you as soon as they learn of this accident when you were 16, even though it is way in your past, don't bother trying to prove yourself to those people, they arem't worth your time, even for a job. If they are mature enough to understand that a person is not defined by their past but who they are currently, only then have you found people worth hanging with and associating with.

I have never read such a story as yours before, so if it helps, I am very impressed by what you said and know you will grow up to be a decent adult.

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