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How to get my friend to stop using me?
Hi Dragonflymagic,
I’m writing to you to ask on advice about a “friend” I met this girl through a mutual friend in my first year of university and our friendship was good earlier but now all it is her asking favours. She never texts me to talk about anything if it’s not school related. Now at days she skips class knowing I’ll go so she can ask me for the notes. I told her in december that I got a volunteer position at a hospital related to our major she seemed envious/happy at the same time but now she’s asking me “where is the link you used to apply to get the job” common sense would’ve told her to find it herself through the volunteer section at any hospital website but she had to ask me. During the school year she would go as far as to ask “where is our exam located” “what time does our class start” stupid things like that. Whenever I confront her in person she just says “I wasn’t sure so that’s why I asked”. It’s starting to piss me off yesterday she asked me for the notes and I sent them to her she didn’t say thank you until today then went on to ask for another favours. She keeps doing that a lot not responding till the next day, then adding a favour. In person she’s totally different she’ll bring up topics not related to school but over text it’s like I’m her personal google. I know I should stop but then I won’t have a friend to hangout with at school please help?
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Maybe give some free advice about: Friendship?
I know how easy it is to feel used. I have lived longer than you and so have learned a few other things too. I can get irritated, I do get angry too, just the gut reaction feeling to feeling used. However I have read plenty of stories where at the start, I am feeling angry in support of the person like yourself but once the story goes on, it reveals some problems or issues in the other persons life, that prevent them from being able to do the same things we do so easy. In some cases, the person isn't willing to ask for help if it is problems or issues of their own bad choosing in which case if we continue to feel manipulated by guilt or lonliless or other emotions, we can end up enabling them to remain stuck.
Some times a person is born with difficulties although they appear normal and that could be contributing to the problem and how they treat you. In some cases, a learning disorder, memory problems, a mental disability has gone undetected all this time and it will take someone questioning them and showing concern to get to the bottom of this without laying guilt on the person.
Sometimes a person is having things done to them, how they were treated growing up, an ex friend or boyfriend, someone who keeps demanding their time or help so they can't be fully present following the schedule in their own life. In this case, she is only at fault for caring for the person usurping her time and enabling them also so she ends up unable to do what she must for college or she may come from a dysfunctional family where she believes her actions to be normal and not wrong at all. Yes, even in something like you see her doing.
You said you know you should stop but fear losing her as a friend. It depends on what you choose to start doing when she texts for help. So don't think of it as a negative as in stopping doing what she asks of you but asking questions and trying to find out what the real problems are behind her acting this way.
What is she has gone her whole life without ADD being found to be her problem? Or perhaps her parents were adamant that she not recieve any medication for it as a child and she has coped so far the best she can. What I am trying to say is that it is possible that if she gets the right treatment and is taught how to work around her ADD,(if she has it--this is just one example) then she may not have to ask you for help anymore. I can see an ADD person having trouble concentrating, missing the exam details or homework info. due to their condition and once it's happened too often, they give up, stop attending class and figure a way around their problem, asking another person to provide them with the info they need.
If this or something similar is the case, then in confronting her about her always asking for help, way more than any regular person would, may bring the issue to the surface and you can suggest her going to the school counselor and asking for help with her condition. In this case, you are not in anger, knowing the real reasons and not losing her as a friend as she most likely will be endeared to you even more as a friend for looking out for her best interests.
There is no way to know what the issues are until you start talking to her and it has to be face to face, no text. I am sure that prompt text replies can be a challenge if a person has ADD.
So my advice is to talk to her as if you were trying to help, curious, not pissed at her, more like gentle suggestions and counsel or good advice.
I will give an example of how I would proceed if it was me having to talk to someone about this issue. You will of course use your own words, because it has to come from your own heart and mind not something you say that is memorized because she might sense it isn't genuine then.
In person now and Linda is chatting about a movie she wants to go see. I make a comment or two about how that sounds good but then I take over the conversation changing the subject. "Linday, you know I value you as a friend. And as your friend I am concerned by something I am seeing you do often. It makes me wonder if my imagination is running wild or if there are some issues behind it all that may reveal a problem you are having. I want you to know that as your friend you can trust me. (Anytime she interrupts, I talk over her saying, Linda listen and don't interrupt until I am done because to me, this is very important. Please?)
So what I can't figure out is why you seem to always be texting me for information on: (and I list for her all the things. Then with a smile and a little laugh after, I can see using the part you said to me) It almost makes me feel like I am your personal Google. (And laugh, like it was meant as a joke not as your frustration.) I don't think I am blowing it out of proportion as no one else ever asks me that often if at all. If someone does ask, it only happens once and thats all.
So I can't help but wonder what might be going on in your life that might be contributing to your always texting for help and information. I don't want to make it sound like I am making a big deal of nothing. It isn't nothing if you have a learning disorder, ADD, or some other condition that was never caught and you feel this is normal because you've always been this way, but Linda, as your friend, I want you to know, that this isn't normal. So I just want you to admit if you suspect something like this going on for you because there is help for those kinds of things. I just want you to get help if thats the case. Wait, I am not done yet.(very possible she will start talking to refute this at this point so I would say I am not done yet as often as I need to)
My wild imagination has come up with other possibilities, like perhaps an addiction to some drug, one that prevents you from being able to attend class. If I keep giving you the answers, and you are addicted, you will not get better. Because I care what happens to you, I am afraid now to simply give you answers instead of letting you find them on your own. I know the teachers would wonder whats up if you had to contact them as often as you contact me to get info on where the exam is located if it happens routinely.
If this is simply a bad habit you got into or you have been lazy, not that I haven't been lazy at points in my past, but this is important, this is college and a degree you are working towards that requires you to be here in the present and not missing from class or missing info in class if not paying attention. These issues could affect your graduating. If you do graduate, it could affect your entire work life, losing jobs because of whatever you didn't learn how to deal with through proper help. I am not proper help. So you must either tell me what is really going on, or you skip me and go straight to a counselor. If your heart isn't in the degree you're supposedly going after, like maybe parents forcing you to take these classes, then that is something important to deal with as well and I will go with you as your friend if you are afraid to go alone to see a school counselor, but whatever the problems are, there are steps you can take to fix them and a counselor is the one qualified to do that.
This is something that I would say to a friend if her behavior changed. If she had always been like this, she wouldn't be my friend in the first place. She may never want to admit to you what is going on. In your job, volunteering at Hospital or later as your job position, you will come across all sorts of people in life, the nice, sweet, caring, indifferent, impatient, mean, nasty tempered and so on. It's a mixed bag and there is no way you will skate through life never coming across another odd situation like your friend whom I called Linda for the example. It isn't your job to fix these people. Even a psychologist can not fix a person with a mental issue, that person needs to recognize and be able to admit they have a problem instead of saying they don't have a problem. Then they need to be willing to do whatever their Dr. asks them to do, willing to do anything to get better. Adults have free will and sometimes you will meet people who refuse your encouragement, friendship or even suggestion for where to turn for professional help. It is hard to see a person suffer and not get the help they need because they are stubborn or unable to see how bad off they are. Only if something they continuously choose is life threatening to them such as an adult who is a hoarder and the conditions they like in are unsanitory for them and any children or pets living in the same home, will a government agency be able to come in and force them to do something about it or get them to help. Thats one example I remember from people I know who were hoarders. And though the place was packed, crowded and messy, it was not a health hazard yet.
As you can see, if you choose to change your attitude by changing your viewpoint, you may learn the real truth. The best outcome is that she get helps and changes for the better and s tops using you as her personal google.
The worst possible outcome is you're finding out that she indeed is lazy, doesn't care about you the same as you care about her and may not want to change, or won't admit she is doing anything wrong. And it she refuses to stop, even if it is s imply due to a bad habit, and being lazy, then you might have to make the hard decision to drop her as a friend. Fearing having no friend is not a good reason to put up with this, which continues to irritate you and doesn't help her any either.
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