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Parents not understanding my happiness - Forcing me to give up my love
Since February last year, I was engaged to a man I got to know through my parents and some mutual friends of them. And my parents were initially happy about this proposal (The proposal came in November 2017). However, after getting to know the guy and his family, and the differences between us, my parents became a bit hostile and negative towards him and his family but they did not do so very openly. It was more behind their back, telling me all the bad things, but they treated them very well on the front and have always given the boy and his family much more than they have given us. However, it all started to harmonize at a point even though there were tons of communication issues especially with setting the wedding date (Me and the boy wanted earliest as possible, same with his family, but my parents wanted as far away as possible) but the boys family gave in, in the end after a very toxic discussion that was bad for both my family and his. While all of these things have been going on, a lot of new information about the boy and his family has emerged from random people, and my parents have not closed their ears at all. They let their negativity get a hold of them and they involved so many different people into this and turned them equally negative. After we finally started planning the wedding, my parents took a step back in September last year and suddenly started to ignore the calls of the other party and they did not talk to me either, treated me like I was some kind of polluted air, but I heard from my relatives that my parents were looking to end the engagement and were waiting on me to agree with them. But I never agreed. Because even though this started of as an arranged marriage, me and the guy have fallen deeply in love and we have connected on so many platforms that losing him has never been an option for me. As soon as I got the news of what my parents intentions were, I tried, desperately, to sit down and talk to them and begged them to talk to me and listen to my arguments, but they didn't. They got stuck on their idea of the guy and his family being so bad for me that they would never treat me good in the future, they will oppress me, they will destroy my wishes and hopes and take my family ties away, etc. While all of this was happening, the boys family tried to communicate with my family multiple times because they were in the dark and did not know what happened. They asked my parents multiple times to sit down and talk things through, but my parents refused. In the midst of this all, three of our close relatives died, and my mum who in general has a very weak health became weaker and more and more negative. She ended up in the hospital multiple times. I have struggled so much to get through to my parents and they have been using external parties to try to convince me. I have been treated like a cirkus animal. People who never let anyone have anything to say in their life, have been trying to destroy my life. One of my uncles who promised me to help me, cornered me one day and shouted and yelled at me about how bad I was that I was in love with a guy like N and how bad he is for me and for the reputation of our entire familytree. He said that me moving on with this relationship would result in my mum's death and no one ever opening their doors for me ever again. He continued this mental assault until I gave in, in December last year, to end this engagement. But I never wanted to do it and I managed to persuade my ex-fiancee to give me another chance. He has been giving me that for a long time now, and is asking me to either persuade my parents, or to move out and marry him in hiding. And he refuses to give me anymore softer options because he is tired of the past months of drama with him and his family being so patient and trying every soft option without result. He says that I have not prooved myself to actually do what I say earlier (I promised him to never end this but did so), hence he refuses to believe me when I tell him all the time that I will only marry him no matter how long it takes. He says he wants to see action and not words. He has given me until this friday, but I don't know what to do... I can't just pack up and leave because my mum is sick and sensitive and the smallest tension can be fatal for her (she has a heart disease), but I don't want to lose the love of my life either. My parents don't know that I am still talking to him, and I have told them so many times how destroyed I am because of everything they did to me and how they have been pressurizing me so much over the years that I am not able to do anything. They have been the best parents to and I have always been an easy child always doing things by the book, not rebeling or anything. But I finally feel like rebelling or asking for my happiness but they refuse to listen. I don't know what to do. I am pressurized from both sides and most of all I feel like taking my own life, but I am even to scared to do that... I can't get through to anyone and I am so confused. I can't lose N, he has been the best thing for me in forever and he gives me everything I need without me asking. I have a troubled past with a lot of issues that have taken a toll on me but he is helping me so well... but then there are my parents... I don't know what to do... my entire life is on halt :'( There is so much back and forth to this story, but this is the essential =/ I don't have people to talk to either...
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Glad you added the last part, description of what the supposed problems are with the young mans parents.
Sounds like if they truly try to meddle, and control their childrens lives and treat daughter in laws terribly, then both of you have the same kinds of parents. I had to say it hon, but it is true, that your parents are very stubborn and acting like children by using someone else now to sending messages back and forth to you rather than talking straight to you.
Here's the questions I get...you have seen his parents treat his brothers this way. Are they not trying to do the same to him? I am sure they have. Controlling parents don't skip over a child and choose whom they will control. I will give you a clue, it is in this part you shared: "but my fiancee was very different in his ways of behaving and much more independent even though he and his mum are super close."
You say he is different and he acts more independant. That is the difference. As hard as it will be to hear, I must explain that a controlling parent can not control a child who is unwilling to give control of their life over to them. Such a child will maybe listen to the parents rant and rave and after they are done, thank them for caring so much but saying I do not choose to follow your wishes and will choose my own path. At the point the parents protest and start to talk of things like disowning you, shutting you out of their lives, placing whatever other threats over ones head simply because the child refuses to cave in, a strong adult child will not cave in and let them have what they want. So while he may be doing better, I have a feeling that your boyfriend is not really doing much better than you because he is willing to pick and choose what areas he will only his parents to control, only maybe he only pretends to agree with them to keep them quiet. There are two problems, the parents for both of you being controlling and the both of you caving in to the pressure, at least, on his part to some degree. He doesn't want to lose his family which if the allegations of the one daughter in law are true, are a bad thing for you. If you were married and they treated you badly, then likely he would not stand up to them and do what he could to protect you, including leaving his family, disowning them and the two of you making it on your own, possibly never seeing family again.
At your age, it is high time to start retraining your parents, and him to do more of it.
Now why would a woman married to a son of theirs make up something if it wasn't true? There may be some truth but if her husband is being controlled by his parents and he is too fearful of losing them forever due to opposing them and standing up for her, well, I'd say that enough reason to want to rock the boat and say something, especially if she is not totally happy with her husband because of this flaw. It doesn't make a woman feel valued by her husband. So unless you have witnessed the treatment of daughter in laws in a poor manner by the future in laws, then you can not 100% believe that. YOu only said you witnessed the parents ruling their sons lives. If his family is rich, a son might choose to give control of their life away to the parents in hopes that they will continue to be financially helped by the parents, or inherit their wealth. If there is no such reason as wealth making them choose their parents over their own wishes, then thats on them. You can only decide what you will do. Your fiancee to be has told you that. You are too gullible because I know from how you wrote that you believe if you leave, that will cause Mom to die. You believed it would be your fault as some person was told to tell you. She will die of heart disease no matter what. Even if you did not exist, it is the life she has chosen to live as well as health choices she made or failed to make, maybe a hereditary trait in her family, but either way, pure time itself, will eventually bring about her death. If an argument with her husband, or anger at a friend cause her to have an attack and die, then it is due to her own choices, how does that make husband or friend not the cause of death but you would be? Who knows, maybe your Dad would never blame himself. I do know that your parents attitudes are more likely what is affecting her heart over her entire life. One obvious one is controlling other people, being two faced and pretending to like a person to their face but saying lots of crap about them behind their backs, and though you believe them to be good parents, in fact they have not been, yes you love them but you also share they have been treating you badly for years, pressuring you your entire life probably to be or act a certain way. When you choose to do this, and i did it was my ex husband when I married at 20. I did it to please him, not realizing that I would lose sense of who I really was. Another thing I learned as I got older is that when one person is forced to change who they are to be the perfect spouse, friend, or child, then eventually resentment can crop up. Most would resent to the point of being willing to end the relationship for life, even a child no longer seeing the parents. A few instead of taking such a drastic stand, would rather kill themselves to escape the resentment they have that the life they live is not one they chose for themselves, have little to no love or pride in their self. The stress of living such a life, may not show right now but stress over the years that doesn't go away, will eventually have to go somewhere. In your Moms position, whether stress that happened to her or stress she chose to create for herself by acting certain ways and causing problems where there didn't have to be any, either way, it goes into physical or mental health. I am walking proof of that. I eventually left my ex but in the 30 years with him, my daily stress over his treatment of me, all verbal abuse, had to go somewhere. Not bad at first, just having daily tension headaches, then some migraines, all over body itchy stress rash, stomach ulcers. In the end even cancer and heart illnesses can have stress as a possible cause if there is no other. The other route is the stress going towards mental health. So this is as much about you surviving and being a Mom and grandma someday, as it is about you being controlled because you never stood up to them or tried feebly once and gave up.
You have to decide as the boyfriend said whether you will pack up and leave them or not to be with him. Unless you are locked in an actual prison or handcuffed to something in the house, your parents can not prevent you from making choices of your own. I know of people who have controlling parents still controlling them when they are in their 50s. While they are adult, they were never given a chance to learn how to be an adult as the parents, or Mom did it all for them. Then the parent dies and an adult child is alone in the world, never having married or had kids, because they choose to be the parents little baby all their life and now they are terrified of having to make their way in life and have no idea how to do it. This could be you. I am not making this up. I have met a few people like this. YOu do have a choice. But make a wise one, Not because of a threat that Mom's death will be your fault, but check into his family more, and make sure you are not jumping from the frying pan into the fire. That is a saying for going from a bad situation to a worse one.
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