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Razhie. Advicenators Member Since: June 13, 2005. Answers: 5077. Visitors: 211514.
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The Question
people have misrepresented me. They have told me I "barely know her" or "going after some girl you don't know"
The Answer
Your obsessive behaviour is still wrong.
Your obsessive thinking is still problematic.
It's still not okay to try to interfere with her relationship.
The fact that you don't like that some people interpreted your relationship with her as 'barely knowing her' doesn't make any of the rest of your behaviour or thinking any more reasonable or justifiable. Whether you know her very well, or barely know her at all, you are still not behaving respectfully or honestly, and you are fixating to a degree that is not healthy.
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The Question
there is this tutor I work with in the tutoring lab in college. She's great and a wonderful person to be around with. She is about 27 and I am 22 and she is engaged, One thing I noticed about her is that she was very touchy feely. , like patting me on the back or shoulder.
My class ended a few months ago but I saw her around campus when I was going to meet up with a friend recently and chatted with her
now I find myself going out of my way to that location just so I can hopefully see her and talk to her again. Last week I went and sat there for about half an hour (I had nothing else to do though so I wasn't skipping anything) I just get this extremely good feeling when talking to her or seeing her.
I recently ran into this girl again. She was in the math lab, I went in and started chatting to her and she seemed happy to see me and happy to chat. I get this extremely good feeling whenever I see her or talk to her. I can't explain it. I think she clearly likes me too.
I can't stand the thought of not being with her I think she is the girl for me. Would it really be wrong if I tried to get her to break up with her fiancee and be with me instead? I have heard of people that have done this and done it successfully so it really wrong? Why can they do it but not me?
also, I need to make it clear because some people purposefully misrepresent. I am not a stranger to this girl! I've worked with her for about two years. I have her email and is friends with her on Facebook
The Answer
I have not seen anyone 'purposefully misrepresent' what you have asked. Your words make it clear what is happening here, and what you have been doing.
You want to get with this woman - who is engaged. You've denied that up and down before - and swore you'd never try to break her and her fiance up. You got quite upset with people who clearly saw that was what you were aiming at. You fixated on little parts of their responses, because you weren't happy with the overall message.
The overall message, as you've been told repeatedly, is that what you are doing is not cool and you should stop. You are working very hard to justify your boundary crossing behaviour and it's really unhealthy the way you are obsessing over this woman. This isn't how healthy, respectful people express romantic attraction to others.
If you want to be a decent human being about this, just straight up tell her that you are interested (again, I know she asked before and you were honest). That way she'll know what is actually going on and she can behave in accordance with that. Right now, there is no reason to believe that she is aware of the seriousness of your obsession, or the fact you are going out of the way to run into her, or that you are trying so hard to interpret her basic signs of friendship (her touching you, smiling at you and talking to you) as something more than friendship.
If you want to know if you have a chance with her, just ask. Stop following her, stop reading into and imagining a connection that she almost certainly doesn't feel, and just be honest with her. Then you'll know for sure, and you can face reality - whatever that is - and stop living in an obsessive fantasy.
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The Question
I was told that Elsa was supposed to be the villain until they heard the song "Let it go", and then Disney changed the plot to make Hans the villain. Does anyone know what the plot was before it was changed?
The Answer
The original plot was more closely connected to Hans Christian Anderson's fairy tale 'The Snow Queen' - which you should totally read. It's fantastic (far more 'feminist' than Frozen, frankly) and old enough that it's available for free online:
http://www.online-literature.com/hans_christian_andersen/972/
By the end of it all, Frozen had very, very little in common with The Snow Queen tale, but that is where it started, and what it shifted from. The directors have said in several interviews that the song "Let it Go" was what inspired them to take the story in such a different direction.
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The Question
I am a 23 year old college student. I've been in 3 relationships that lasted longer than 6 months and the most recent one that ended lasted 4 years. I've had sex with two of my boyfriends and I know I enjoy it and what not. Ive had guys besides that who I would make out with and sometimes we'd go a little further but not all the way to sex.
The problem is I have seen a couple of my friends end long relationships recently and almost immediatly after jump into new things, as in relationship type things and one night stands. (Not really sure what to call them) Its making me feel really weird inside because they always were a lot like me and I never thought of them as "easy". I suddenly have been questioning if im going about this the wrong way and if I put myself out there more and was more willing to do the dirty then if that would make me less lonely.
My last break up was really difficult on me and the problem is the string is not completely cut. He still comes to me for advice and is still someone who I keep in contact with. I know this may be a bad idea. But I really enjoy having him in my life as a friend and it feels like we are good at setting boundaries.
I guess this is more like a rant...but I just feel like maybe my moral code is off and I should adjust with times. I just don't see how I could get with someone I barely know. Or who takes me on one date. I feel like it may be making me isolated from the group though because I don't relate as well. I just have been feeling so alone lately because everyone has somebody but me. And I'm also really picky on who I like. What if no one ever comes into my life? I know this probably sounds weird but I've just been feeling so lonely, isolated, and honestly depressed? I cant even seem to grasp where its coming from. But I've tried my best to be supportive and give good advice. Especially because now some of them are running into trouble with their rebounds.
The Answer
What your friends are doing is normal.
What you are doing is normal.
Lay off yourself, and lay off others.
You are being judge-y and slut shame-y - not just of your friends, but of yourself. Relax. You don't need to 'change with the times' and your friends aren't 'easy'. You are all intelligent young women making choices about sex, relationships and their own bodies. Some of those choices you are going to regret, and some you wont.
Will jumping into bed make you feel less lonely? Maybe.
Will you learn something about yourself? Maybe.
Regret it? Maybe.
Have fun? Maybe.
Will you get hurt? Probably. Most relationships end, and when that happens, at least one party tends to get hurt.
Your moral code isn't 'off'. Neither is your friends. You are all just figuring your shit out. Some of you will do that in bed with others. Some of you wont. Either way will probably work.
The best thing you can do is talk about this with people. Don't further isolate yourself by being so hard on yourself, or others. It's okay to feel lonely, and to question your choices. There will always be paths not taken, but you can't beat yourself up over that. Let yourself be honest and vulnerable with your friends, and let them be supportive and give advice as well. You don't have to be on the same path as they are to support one another.
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The Question
I'm 15 and have 38 D breasts and I cant get them to have the effect of a push up bra. (They don't round at the top and they don't go touch together.) It annoys me so much!! My friend has 34 A breasts and hers do exactly what I want mine to do. How can I get them to have that cleavage 'effect'?
The Answer
A good bra store with a personal fitting.
If that can't get you want you want, nothing can.
And it is possible that nothing can. Your breasts may simply be too far set apart, or just not built to give the effect you want.
So, take a deep breath, and ask a pro, someone who really knows bras and breasts, and be willing to pay out the nose for a great bra.
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The Question
What does it mean if you bleed a lot everytime I poop
The Answer
It means you need to see a doctor. Soon.
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The Question
I have my period every month almost like clock work. Everything month it begins on the 3rd. So when I had unprotected sex I began to panic. I took a plan B one step pill. And proceeded to wait.
Let's see I took the pill directly after the decision to have unprotected sex so it worked efficiently. It's been exactly a week since the I took the pill and I'm starting almost a second period this month. I guess the advice I need is more of a question than actual advice, but is this normal? Is this abnormal?
I'm freaking out a tad, I'm not young. I've just decided being g another human into this world at this time isn't for me.
Thank you for your help if you have an or have experienced this.
The Answer
Normal.
Plan B disturbs your cycle a great deal. At a really basic level, it tricks your body into thinking it's already pregnant - for about a day or two - that's bound to confuse your body.
Don't worry too much about disruptions to your cycle, or spotting for the next month or so. If you have pain, or bleeding that is significantly more than usual, then you should see a doctor, but complications are really rare and you are almost certainly just fine.
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The Question
So, in a nutshell. I met a girl online and we have been talking for over a month. First day we talked on PS3 we exchanged phone numbers and had a very lengthy conversation, and honestly since then that is the case. We have fun conversations, now she was engaged when we first met.
Out of no where she explained that they are no longer a couple, to be honest I am not sure if I believe that; however, she has been spending more time talking and texting me recently. And my confusion lies in the fact that she insists on talking with me every night and we end up falling asleep. She actually even text me asking if i will fall sleep with her on the phone. She states she lives at home with her parents, which I assume is true.
I honestly don't know what to make of the connection we have at this point. We have traded photos with each other, talk every day throughout the day, literally almost fall asleep with each other every night. she's 24 lives in a small town in Ohio and I'm 26 and I live in Los Angeles.
The Answer
This just odd, but I think the most important thing you need to do now, is shit or get off the pot.
Either go out and visit her, or end this pseudo-relationship.
You are right to be skeptical. I'm really skeptical. I half expect when you show up in Ohio she'll be nowhere to be found - making up some nonsense about a family emergency or something else to avoid actually meeting you.
I hate to be that cynical, but it's sort of the most likely outcome here. It seems most likely that the person on the other end of these txts sees you as little more than a big-town escape fantasy - not a real and complete human being. I hope Zane is right, and that she is merely not that bright, rather than malicious.
But you could prove us all wrong if you get on a plane and go! Do it safely, but do it. If you really believe in what you have with her, go and see her and prove all our cynical hearts wrong.
But if you aren't ready to take the leap and go see her - or don't feel that strongly about her - then end it. This degree of virtual contact provides you with nothing but a distraction from the great life you have in front of you.
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The Question
what is the average life span of a dog?
The Answer
Different breeds have very, very different life spans.
It's not purely based on their size, or the 'efficiencies' of their body - life expectancies for mammals is far more complex then that, and in dogs, life expectancies also have a lot to do with the selective breeding human beings did for millenniums with them. Some selective breeding resulted in longer lifespan, but lots of it also reduced life spans. (For example, Saint Bernards and Great Danes have always been huge dogs, but they used to have longer life spans. But people kept breeding them to be taller and fatter and to weigh more and now their life spans are generally lower, because they are bigger than their joints and hearts can manage.)
Size is a good general gauge of how long a dog's life expectancy is. Most of the time, the larger the breed, the shorter the life.
Here's a bunch of breed life expectancies from the 2008 World Atlas of Dog Breeds, and you can see in general, the bigger the dog the shorter the life, but there are some exceptions. Many kinds of Bulldogs are quite overbreed in ways that reduce their health and life expectancy, so despite being much smaller than a German Shepherd, their life expectancy is lower. Chihuahuas and Pomeranians are virtually the same size, but Chihuahuas can live much longer.
Labrador retriever -- 10 to 14 years
Yorkshire terrier -- 12 to 15 years
German Shepherd -- 10 to 14 years
Golden retriever -- 10 to 12 years
Beagles -- 12 to 14 years
Boxers -- 11 to 14 years
Dachshunds -- 12 to 14 years
Bulldogs -- 10 to 12 years
Poodles -- 10 to 15 years
Shih Tzu -- 11 to 15 years
Miniature Schnauzers -- 15 years or more
Chihuahuas -- 15 years or more
Pomeranians -- 13 to 15 years
Rottweilers -- 10 to 12 years
Pugs -- 12 to 15 years
German shorthaired pointers -- 12 to 15 years
Boston terriers -- about 15 years
Doberman Pinschers -- 10 to 12 years
Shetland Sheepdogs -- 12 to 14 years
Maltese -- 15 years or more
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The Question
Just can't believe you . I can't believe a young teacher would see a bunch of teenage boys shirtless and not check out any of them, especially a gym teacher to see their physiques
The Answer
You'd just be better off if you did believe me. I am right.
Unless your teacher is a sexual predator - which is staggeringly unlikely and you've suggested nothing that would make her appear to be - she just doesn't see any of you that way.
I haven't been attracted to a 10th grade boy since I was in 11th grade. Frankly, I don't know any adult women who have, and teachers, teachers are even more immune because they have to deal with the behaviour of 10th grade boys all the time, and lets be frank - even if a 10th grade boy actually did have an attractive, adult body (and I'm sure there are a very few out there who may, tho I haven't seen one) there is still nothing attractive about the behaviour of 10th grade boys to an adult woman.
No amount of your believing your teacher has sexual interest in young boys is going to make it true. It's simply not the case.
Honesty, the fact you ask this again and again says far more about you than it does your teacher. You may want to consider discussing this with a therapist or counsellor before this kind of irrational thinking interferes with your life in negative ways. You need a healthier recognition of the difference between fantasy and reality. It's find to have fantasies - it's not fine to be always trying to force your reality to serve those fantasies.
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The Question
you know what? screw you alright?! if I wanted someone to tell me how I felt then I wouldn't come on here!! you have no position to tell ANYBODY there beliefs or feelings!! yes, porn is an issue.. but I never once said that it was worse and the lying?! and how the heck do you know whether I respect MY husband or not?! just because I don't like him watching porn and the fact that I hate that he lies about it does not mean one bite that I have no respect for him!!! maybe you need to quit "trying" to give advice to people when you have NO earthly idea what you are saying!!!!!
The Answer
I'm actually really glad to get this, because now I feel you've actually read what I wrote, and aren't just asking the same question again. I know you'll think I'm being insincere, but I'm really not: Thank you. There is nothing more frustrated then feeling you are having a back and forth with someone where they aren't listening to/reading what you have said.
I can understand why you are angry. I can understand why you'd interpret my comment as 'telling you what you feel' but that isn't exactly what is happening here.
I'm not telling you your beliefs or feelings - I'm reading what you wrote about your beliefs, feelings, thoughts and actions, and responding to it. All advice comes with "In my opinion," tagged to the beginning of it, even if the advisor doesn't explicitly say that. My interpretation may certainly be wrong, but interpretation is all you ever get when you ask for advice. You can disagree with me, but it's helpful to realize that I'm interpreting and responding to what you put put out into the world.
Your husband is actually in the exactly same boat as me! In the end, he certainly knows you far better, but he also can't innately know your own beliefs, thoughts and feelings. The thing he is going to react to the strongest are the words and behaviours you put out in the world.
I believe, based on everything you've said to me and to others here, that on this subject you are behaving in a way that your husband is likely to interpret lying as the correct response to you. Where lying is the kindest and most respectful thing he can do for you. You and I might think he is wrong to lie, but just like I can understand why you are offended by my interpretation of your words - even though your interpretation of what I said isn't what I intended! You also need to appreciate why your husband may reasonably come to that interpretation of your behaviours and words - even if it's not what you really intended!
I'm sure you do, in general, respect your husband very much, but your own words do not reflect that in these questions. Your approach to the issues of porn in your marriage is not rooted in a desire to understand, or compromise or respect. You are not taking an approach that is going to lead anyone to think what you actually want is honesty and discussion.
Please, consider counselling, for both of you or just for yourself.
Good luck.
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The Question
Okay so i'm 13/f and was looking for anime henati (animated porn) and came across a facebook page with it so i clicked it and keep in mind my facebook account with my age in the settings was signed in and about 10 or 15 minutes later a window popped up and it was like policewatch dot org or something and had all these things saying my ip address and all these fines and that i had been convicted or something of holding/viewing pornography while underage and then said that my browser activity had been banned until my entire pc had been scanned and then when i tried to ex out of pages or change the website im on this window came up saying the same thing that my browsr activity has been banned and i tried shutting my computer down but a thingy came up saying google chrome has kept the compiter from shutting down so i force quit EVERYTHING and shut down my entire computer and im still hyperventalating and im so scared i havnt touched my computer in like an hour am i in trouble is this real please somebody help me because you have no idea how terrified i am (also sorry if wrong category i wasnt sure) (also im using mobile to ask this)
The Answer
It's a a scammer trying to get money from you.
I'm no computer expert, so unfortunately if it's also a virus that is preventing you from using your computer normally, I can't tell you much about getting rid of that part - there are probably other people here that can help - but don't give them any money.
It's not the FBI - it's not criminal to watch porn, even as a minor - it's only illegal for someone to provide minors with porn. It's the site you were on that would be criminally liable, not you.
You're not being watched, or charged, or fined - you're being tricked. So calm down. If your computer is functioning normally then just ignore these scammers.
Here's a news report about this scam, so you can understand it's just fake: http://mobile.techworld.com/news/security/3375338/fbi-issues-ransom-malware-warning-after-being-inundated-by-victims/
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The Question
Do you think my gym teacher enjoys looking at the male students in her class?
In 10th grade I am doing gym class and the teacher is this young lady (younger than 30) and she is pretty good looking. We are doing the swim unit and all the boys in the class of course are just in their swimming shorts. I wonder if the female gym teacher is enjoying looking at all the shirtless boys in the water?
Even just to see how fit everyone really is?
The Answer
No. She doesn't find your bodies sexually appealing.
And really, it's getting sort of creepy that you keep asking this question. I appreciate that you might wish your young teacher was attracted to you (or even, just young guys like you) but she just isn't. Sorry. Learn to live with it.
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The Question
I got your comment on my post about my husband watching porn.. my main problem is that he lies to me about it and hides it from me.. when in the past I have told him numerous times that if he gonna watch just tell me.. and don't hide it from me.. and the fact that he continues to hide it from me and lie to me is whats makes me extremely mad!! for example just the other day I was not going threw his phone I went on it to look something up because mine was dead and we were at a friends house and as soon as I pulled up his google app it popped up his history where he was looking up porn.. a little while later he could tell that something was bothering me and he asked me what was wrong and as soon as we were alone I mentioned it to him calmly.. and surprise surprise he denied it!! like seriously.. it doesn't just pop up in your history unless you typed it in and you pushed enter and you looked it up.. so of course at the point when I seen that I went to his internet and clicked on the history and he deleted the history on that!! sure all men out there wont understand where im coming from and they just defend the fact that its a "guy thing"
The Answer
You are right. As I said in my first response, it would be far better if your husband was honest about the fact that he enjoyed porn. It would be better if he didn't lie.
But you are kidding yourself now. You didn't come here to complain because he lied to you. You came here to complain about porn. Now that most people have told you they don't agree with your position on porn, you are trying to make the lying the bigger deal.
Why does he lie anyways? Because society has taught him he has to. It's told him to be ashamed. You have also taught him to be ashamed, and not to stand up for him beliefs or be honest with you about them. You are doing the very derogatory thing of writing this off as a 'guy thing' rather then respecting the fact your husband and you have a difference of opinion, regardless of your genders. You are treating him, and speaking about him, like his just some other 'clueless horny guy', instead of what he really is: An individual who is your partner and husband. An individual worthy of your understanding and respect.
You can't solve his lying or his porn habit - not by yourself, because those are his choices - the problem you have, that you could solve all on your own, is your lack of respect for him.
If you and your husband can't figure out how to have a disagreement without lying and disrespect - go to marriage counselling. Stop coming here just to whinge and complain.
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The Question
One of my male friends said that if his wife does not want to satisfy him sexually then he has a right to cheat on her with another woman. Or if she denies him sex then he should cheat. He says that women should always please their husbands. A lot of people agreed with him on this. I don't its okay to cheat just because your wife doesn't feel like having sex. What if your wife can't have sex because of medical conditions? What do you think?
The Answer
I think it's not cheating if your spouse agrees to allow you to seek sexual contact otherwise. Either because they are unwilling or unable to have sex with you, or have the kind of sex you desire.
Without your spouse's blessing, it's just cheating, no matter what excuse you make for yourself, and it's not okay.
Lying and deceit are never acceptable ways to deal with a disagreement with anyone, especially not your spouse.
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The Question
I know this is strange, even downright crazy, but I want to know how people feel about having twins intentionally, life with fertility drugs and artificial insemination.
The thing is that I’m a second born and long story short, I haven’t been feeling very warm towards the position of the first born lately. There are problems I face as a second born and I know first borns face problems as well. My sister gets treated like a queen while I get treated like a nothing. The only people who don't make me feel less important than her are my mom, granddad, and uncle, but they can really get peed on by people for not catering to my sister.
My sister is terribly overly sensitive and her feelings are always more important than mine. So are her wants and needs. I've always gotten shafted on things because SHE had to get her way, even on my birthday.
I really can’t get over my resentment of the first born position. I'm tired of people thinking that I'm not as important or special as my sister just because she's the first born and I'm the second. I DO NOT want people to think that I don't value my younger kids as much as my first born. I also don't want my first born to be victimized by me subconsciously or anything because of how I feel about that position. Children are simply far too valuable for be treated in either of those manners.
I feel so screwed up and I know I need counseling which I will look into, but I'm still looking for good, caring advice now. The only people I've asked about this either couldn't care less and tell me to quit whining about my life, or they don't understand the question and laugh at me for, "asking how to have twins intentionally" as they think I'm doing. This reaction makes me feel bad and wish I hadn't gone to those people for advice, so I'm counting on the people here for real help.
There is a way to prevent the first born and second born problems. I’ve been thinking lately about arranging go have twins, but I have concerns about twins as well. I’ll list the pros and cons I’ve come up with below. Also just so you know, I know I'm over thinking this. I have a tendency to do that, but I still feel that this is a problem.
Pro
-It will prevent my second born from being treated like the a younger, less important version of my first born.
-No one will think that my first born is more important to me than the other kid(s).
-If their is any favoritism, it won’t be based on birth order.
-My kids will always have a friend their own age around.
-I won’t hurt my first born by favoring my second born.
Con
-They might be treated like a unit.
-They won’t have their own birthday.
-They won’t have their own high school graduation, college graduation, ect.
-They’ll go off to college at the same time, which will be twice as hard as when one goes off to college.
The Answer
Your family fucked up.
That has nothing to do with twins, and not even that much to do with 'first born' versus 'second born'.
Yes, even if they TOLD you it was about birth order, they were wrong and making up stupid excuses for their stupid ass opinions and behaviours!
Your. family. fucked. it. up.
You don't need twins. You need to not fuck it up.
The dynamic your parents created, between themselves and you and your sister, and between you and your sister, was really bad.
You need therapy to address that. I highly doubt twins will save you from suffering from an negative effects from your childhood as a parent yourself. Therapy is what will help you understand and acknowledge the way you've been effected and how that might lead you to behave inappropriately as a parent yourself.
You are right that you have a problem.
You are wrong to think that twins will address the problem.
There isn't really a good reason to think you'll magically avoid problems steaming from your life experience, just because your children are twins. That's pure magical thinking. It's the exact same as saying "If I only have sons I wont have this problem because me and my sister are both girls!" The only reason you are thinking that, is because you have an extreme fixation with birth order. Your fixation with birth order, frankly, is so intense and unreasonable, I can even see you having issues with which of your twins was actually born first - unless you have a lot of therapy to address the actual issues and behaviours of your own family.
I promise you. I guarantee you. The order you were born in is NOT the core of your families problems. Not even if your parents thought it was! That's a moronic excuse they gave to justify how badly they fucked up.
There are always going to be pros and cons to every kind of family set up. Eldest or youngest, middle child, twin or triplet - all possibilities come with pitfalls and limitations! The fact that your family fell into particular bad pit falls with the first born and second born has basically zero reflection on those roles in general. That's about your family, not about birth order.
I know I said something similar to you before, and I'm going to repeat it much more strongly this time.
You MUST stop reading shit about birth order.
You are not helping yourself. Your are contributing to your own disordered thinking and unhappiness. You privilege and select the information and interpretations that supports your fixation and current beliefs about birth order. What you need is a therapist who can talk to you about you. Your situation. Your experiences. Your family. Your feelings. Your thoughts.
These generalization about birth order are part of your problem, and if you keep letting this fixation dominate and control your thinking, it's going to negatively effect your ability to live happily and to parent ANY child, born in any way, at any time.
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The Question
So this is urgent, this Saturday I'm going on a "date" but I prefer to call it as a hangout friendly date. My crush asked me out and my parents are going to drop me by where we're going to meet. I'm in the 7th grade, but like I said I call it as a friendly date. I know I'm too young to date. But can you give me some excuses so I could go alone? And not be dropped off? Help! I don't want them to know I'm going on a "date". Please help me!
The Answer
I actually don't think you are too young to hang out with your crush one-on-one, in a 'friendly date' kind of situation.
But here's what you are too young to do: Lie to your parents about it.
If your parents wont let you date, that sucks, but you are young enough you need to respect that. Even if you and I disagree, they are your parents are right now that's a rule they get to make.
You should be honest with your parents about what you are doing. Frankly, you should always be honest with your family, and when your older, with your friends and roommates, about who you are dating and when. That's just part of basic safety, and making sure you have people to turn too if (God forbid) something should go wrong.
Yes, it's embarrassing and awkward, but your relationship with your parents (and any relationship you might have with any boy) will be healthier and happier in the long run if you are honest and upfront with your parents about what is going on.
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The Question
I'm 16/f. So, about a month ago, this kid in my class called me a slut. He said "go away, slut." Under his breath when I went to get a pencil. And since then I have been observing myself, and wondering why he said that. It didn't exactly hurt, more like caught me off guard and got me thinking, what could I have done to make anyone think that? I mean, I'm pretty conservative.
The only things I can honestly possibly think of are;
1.The fact that I flirt with the guys that flirt with me,
2. I make a lot of sexual jokes,
3. One day at the end of class when everyone was walking out I waited a little bit and took my top shirt off (I had a tank top under with my bra straps hidden) and left my top shirt on only around my neck, so I could pull my shirt off after my sweater was on to make sure that no skin that wasn't my arms showed. But still, just because he was there, a different boy was like, "Yeah, your clothes. Put them on." Which I can understand, but don't agree with... Only my arm skin was out the whole time.
4. I am horny almost ALL of the time and I find myself fantasizing about some of the boys in my school more and more every week -.-
5. A guy friend of mine once grabbed me as if he was listening to my stomach as I walked by him (he touches me like this a lot, arm around the shoulders, hugs, holds my face briefly, touches my hair and arms, things like that) he was sitting, I was standing. He put his head on my stomach & instead of pushing him away I touched his head, & I don't know, I guess it looked wrong? Everyone that saw said "woahhh" & I just gently backed away from him after a moment I took to process.
6. I stretch in class from time to time (I bend backwards in my seat)
7. When I catch a guy looking at me, I'm flattered instead of disgusted. I don't know if my face shows that or not.
8. When men on the street cat call to me, I smile politely at them (I feel rude ignoring them, even if they might rape me)
9. When the same boy that called me a slut smacked my butt one time, I didn't defend myself, I kind of just stood there & stared at him in shock, & I guess this is why? I don't know. Maybe it's because I'm too nice to the disrespectful guys that surround me?
10. I wore these stretchy leggings that look like jeans with pockets to school for literally the first time yesterday, and my best friend told me "those are the slut pants."
11. When I had swimming last year, I have walked around in my underwear in front of the other girls a few times. I was maybe about 50% comfortable with this,
Looking at this list makes me think I probably am a slut, but I want other comments. If any of you think this makes me a slut, please don't hesitate to tell me, and tell me why. I want honesty. I have been beating myself up about this, I know I should have more of a backbone about this, but I just don't know how, or what to say, or what to do...
Thank you for all of your answers in advance. Anything is appreciated :)
The Answer
Ugh. Please, leave yourself alone. You need more of a backbone. You aren't doing anything wrong. You are, in fact, being treated very poorly.
This guy is a cheap little bully. That's the only reason he called you a slut is because he knows it's a sure fire way to insult and shame a woman.
Look, if you aren't happy with some of the choices you are making around your own sexual expression, that's a great thing to reflect on and consider, but nothing you've described above is anything other than A.) Your own healthy interest in sex or B.) Other people behaving disrespectfully towards you because you are a young woman, and therefor an object of sexual attraction for many, regardless of anything you say or do.
Neither of those things makes you a 'slut', (although some of them certainly make the men who slap you, or cat call you, or make sexual comments about your body, disrespectful scumbags.)
Truth is - you are right. You are pretty conservative. There is nothing going on in your own head that is anything but the normal thoughts and interests of a healthy sixteen year old - and no one can tell what is going on in your head anyways! You have nothing to be ashamed of just because you like flirting or attention - but just because you like it doesn't mean it's okay for people to shame you, insult you and certainly never to touch you! What you are actually experiencing, is a lot of slut shaming and body shaming from the men and women around you for absolutely NO VALID REASON. Please, don't let them define you or insult you when they act like little monsters. Don't accept the shame they are trying to foist on you. That shit is on them, not you.
It's fine to choose to be polite, even to men who are not behaving okay (and cat-calling, ass slapping, sexual comments about your body are NOT okay.) It's also okay to call them on it and say "Don't make those comments about my body. It's not cool." or "Do not call me a slut. That is not okay." It's also okay to turn to your friend and say "You might not like these pants, but do not use that word with me. It's not respectful."
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The Question
Is it possible for a person to have both the disorganized and paranoid schizophrenia combined? And if so, what would that be called?
The Answer
This is really a question for a mental health professional.
But I also don't think it's an important question, because in the most recent edition of the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (which lays out the standard criteria for the classification of mental disorders in the States) removes these subtypes.
Here is the reason the The American Psychiatric Association gave for removing the disorder and paranoid types from the manual:
"...the diagnostic criteria no longer identify subtypes. Subtypes had been defined by the predominant symptom at the time of evaluation. But these were not helpful to clinicians because patients' symptoms often changed from one subtype to another and presented overlapping subtype symptoms, which blurred distinctions among the five subtypes and decreased their validity."
Basically, these types are being removed for the exact reason you are asking this question! They weren't helpful, because they were imprecise and people's symptoms changed or included symptoms from multiple subtypes.
You can find the context for the above quote here: http://www.dsm5.org/Documents/Schizophrenia%20Fact%20Sheet.pdf
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The Question
any good ideas for a baby shower? I'm having mine in less than 4 weeks. I have been on google obviously but everyone has there own opinion and advice. My babyshower is going to be a little bit different, I am going to have my male and female friends there, and people are going to be drinking and I am going to have all sorts of snacks and stuff.
I wanna play some games that the males will be entertained by also.
The Answer
This is the best baby shower game I ever played.
It was a timed trial, you put a bunch of unmatched baby socks in front of two people, and the person who matches the most in 30 seconds wins. (Your friends with babies can probably help you build up a crazy big pile of baby socks.)
They ran it as a contest, and they made a big signup board where you could join in, and then whoever won each match up went on to the next round.
I loved this game because it was so simple that the younger and elderly guests could play, and because it got those of us who didn't know each other meeting and talking, it was good entertainment for everyone even those who didn't want to play and best of all, no one was forced to do something uncomfortable or awkward.
I absolutely hate most traditional baby shower games, but if you are having a mixed group and a more causal sort of party, it might be a good competition for you to run.
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