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i got ur comment
I got your comment on my post about my husband watching porn.. my main problem is that he lies to me about it and hides it from me.. when in the past I have told him numerous times that if he gonna watch just tell me.. and don't hide it from me.. and the fact that he continues to hide it from me and lie to me is whats makes me extremely mad!! for example just the other day I was not going threw his phone I went on it to look something up because mine was dead and we were at a friends house and as soon as I pulled up his google app it popped up his history where he was looking up porn.. a little while later he could tell that something was bothering me and he asked me what was wrong and as soon as we were alone I mentioned it to him calmly.. and surprise surprise he denied it!! like seriously.. it doesn't just pop up in your history unless you typed it in and you pushed enter and you looked it up.. so of course at the point when I seen that I went to his internet and clicked on the history and he deleted the history on that!! sure all men out there wont understand where im coming from and they just defend the fact that its a "guy thing"
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You are right. As I said in my first response, it would be far better if your husband was honest about the fact that he enjoyed porn. It would be better if he didn't lie.
But you are kidding yourself now. You didn't come here to complain because he lied to you. You came here to complain about porn. Now that most people have told you they don't agree with your position on porn, you are trying to make the lying the bigger deal.
Why does he lie anyways? Because society has taught him he has to. It's told him to be ashamed. You have also taught him to be ashamed, and not to stand up for him beliefs or be honest with you about them. You are doing the very derogatory thing of writing this off as a 'guy thing' rather then respecting the fact your husband and you have a difference of opinion, regardless of your genders. You are treating him, and speaking about him, like his just some other 'clueless horny guy', instead of what he really is: An individual who is your partner and husband. An individual worthy of your understanding and respect.
You can't solve his lying or his porn habit - not by yourself, because those are his choices - the problem you have, that you could solve all on your own, is your lack of respect for him.
If you and your husband can't figure out how to have a disagreement without lying and disrespect - go to marriage counselling. Stop coming here just to whinge and complain.
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Hi there! Thanks for responding, I can see now that the main issue is not pornography itself, but one of deception. I believe I did mention this, but was reluctant to pursue it too deeply in case the OPPOSITE was true. ie. It's pornography you take particular exception to. So, we've discussed the 'guy thing' side. I neither defend nor condemn it. There are many guys who show no little, or even no interest in pornography from maturity onwards. There is no particular 'right or wrong' here. I was hoping to assure you that even those who enjoy it are rarely, if ever using it as a straightforward 'replacement' for a real-life loving relationship, with a real-life woman. I sincerely doubt there was ever a man who left his partner in order to "pursue a relationship with pornography insted". It does seem rather perplexing that when faced with absolute proof, delivered in a calm and rational manner by yourself...that he will continue to take a complete 'denial' line of defence. We commonly encounter such a blithe refusal to face truth (when it is unpleasant or uncomfortable) in young children. They will continue to insist that 'It wasn't me' (even when it clearly WAS), along with the rather unlikely 'Monsters made me do it!' type of explanation. We are less likely to find it in adults, and indeed it can be very distressing, (not to mention frustrating and annoying) when we do. We might at least expect a well-reasoned defence, excuse or some attempt at a convincing explanation. After all 'innocent until proven guilty' is a concept we all passively take for granted. My idea about confronting it head-on, while treating the subject in a suitably 'off-hand' sort of way, I see you have tried? With no success. So we must dig deeper. No instant feedback can really 'tie one hand behind your back' as it were, so bear with me...you're welcome to respond all you like via the inbox of course, but it's not so good as 'live' conversation. Is there a privacy issue involved somewhere? Would you say you are a person who 'likes to know' as much as possible? Does he ever give you the feeling that he resents it, if so? Could he be accessing porn, knowing it will be discovered, in order to 'prove to himself' that you are checking his communication devices to see if he is accessing porn? (You with me? That's a bit of a 'loop' of a sentence mate!!) Then, perhaps the fact that his irrational denial 'makes you mad' is no chance or coincidence. Could it be a bit of a 'power-play', deliberately designed to make you feel mad? To 'push your buttons, and get a result' as it were. This, naturally does not imply that he has anything whatsoever in his life he desperately needs to 'cover up' and keep from you. It may just be that he resents what he feels are 'intrusions on his privacy.' Lets try another thought. What would you say is HIS take on porn? Pretty 'matter of fact'? It's no big deal. Does he feel at ease, comfortable discussing pornography, or when the subject is raised, does he appear decidedly NOT comfortable, embarrassed... he quickly changes the subject? If he is, or was horrified, disgusted with pornography, but at the same time feels strongly (but 'secretly'as it were) 'drawn to it' then the fact that he is 'caught' viewing it might well drive him into the completely irrational 'denial' when you confront him over it. We're getting into some deep-ish water here, but our minds can become fascinated and even obsessed by the very things that disgust or horrify us. It's not unusal by any means. Now think in general, not particularly porn. When he is trying to defend himself against something in which he is certainly 'on the wrong side of' would you say his comments, explanations and general sttitude is a mature one? Or in honesty, rather inclined to be petulant and 'childish'? Is he quick to acknowledge and accept responsibility for his mistakes and bad judgements? Or very reluctant, and even shows a complete refusal to be accountable? We are looking at intellectual maturity here of course. (NOT his intelligence or his skills and abilities, please DO NOT misunderstand me here...they are NOT the same thing at all). I hope I have given you a few things to think about. Without YOU giving ME some answers (Curious eh? You're the one who's meant to ask the questions!!) I can't really go any further. Ponder at leisure, or fire me some feedback and we'll have another look. Up to you....best wishes whatever you choose.
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