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Would You Want to Have Twins?
I know this is strange, even downright crazy, but I want to know how people feel about having twins intentionally, life with fertility drugs and artificial insemination.
The thing is that I’m a second born and long story short, I haven’t been feeling very warm towards the position of the first born lately. There are problems I face as a second born and I know first borns face problems as well. My sister gets treated like a queen while I get treated like a nothing. The only people who don't make me feel less important than her are my mom, granddad, and uncle, but they can really get peed on by people for not catering to my sister.
My sister is terribly overly sensitive and her feelings are always more important than mine. So are her wants and needs. I've always gotten shafted on things because SHE had to get her way, even on my birthday.
I really can’t get over my resentment of the first born position. I'm tired of people thinking that I'm not as important or special as my sister just because she's the first born and I'm the second. I DO NOT want people to think that I don't value my younger kids as much as my first born. I also don't want my first born to be victimized by me subconsciously or anything because of how I feel about that position. Children are simply far too valuable for be treated in either of those manners.
I feel so screwed up and I know I need counseling which I will look into, but I'm still looking for good, caring advice now. The only people I've asked about this either couldn't care less and tell me to quit whining about my life, or they don't understand the question and laugh at me for, "asking how to have twins intentionally" as they think I'm doing. This reaction makes me feel bad and wish I hadn't gone to those people for advice, so I'm counting on the people here for real help.
There is a way to prevent the first born and second born problems. I’ve been thinking lately about arranging go have twins, but I have concerns about twins as well. I’ll list the pros and cons I’ve come up with below. Also just so you know, I know I'm over thinking this. I have a tendency to do that, but I still feel that this is a problem.
Pro
-It will prevent my second born from being treated like the a younger, less important version of my first born.
-No one will think that my first born is more important to me than the other kid(s).
-If their is any favoritism, it won’t be based on birth order.
-My kids will always have a friend their own age around.
-I won’t hurt my first born by favoring my second born.
Con
-They might be treated like a unit.
-They won’t have their own birthday.
-They won’t have their own high school graduation, college graduation, ect.
-They’ll go off to college at the same time, which will be twice as hard as when one goes off to college.
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Razhie is right, this is not about birth order but about family with some disfunction going on. Childen can be shy or have difficulty socializing. That is natural for all of us, we go through it in some way, some gaining self confidence sooner than others and what helps is a healthy supportive family network that love and encourage the child to grow and stretch their wings, not coddling and catering to their difficulties. That only encourages them to stay stuck. It sounds like your family is perhaps unwittingly (without realising what they're doing) enabling your sister. She will have no reason to learn how to overcome her issues. It may not be intentional that parents and other relatives overlook you, they have just over time got sucked into destructive behavior of rushing to sisters aid. Like a dog can be trained, they have learned to be trained to cater to the needs of a child who again, may not realize she is doing this, but she is like an unruly child who never got any discipline or proper training, so she has learned how to control and rule those around her. Instead of the parents and other adults calling the shots, the child (your sister) is the one calling the shots. She is in for a rude awakening in the real world where no one knows her. She will have to learn to follow the wishes of a boss, and learn how to compromise, be willing to put the needs of another before her or any relationship she attempts will fail. NOt to mention, that she would make a very disfunctional mother.
If you sisters are not yet adults, I suggest that the entire family go for counseling. If you are adults now, you can't make sis go for counseling but you can. Having twins is not a solution. It justs masks and covers the issues laying deep in your subconscious undealt with. Good luck dear.
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Your family fucked up.
That has nothing to do with twins, and not even that much to do with 'first born' versus 'second born'.
Yes, even if they TOLD you it was about birth order, they were wrong and making up stupid excuses for their stupid ass opinions and behaviours!
Your. family. fucked. it. up.
You don't need twins. You need to not fuck it up.
The dynamic your parents created, between themselves and you and your sister, and between you and your sister, was really bad.
You need therapy to address that. I highly doubt twins will save you from suffering from an negative effects from your childhood as a parent yourself. Therapy is what will help you understand and acknowledge the way you've been effected and how that might lead you to behave inappropriately as a parent yourself.
You are right that you have a problem.
You are wrong to think that twins will address the problem.
There isn't really a good reason to think you'll magically avoid problems steaming from your life experience, just because your children are twins. That's pure magical thinking. It's the exact same as saying "If I only have sons I wont have this problem because me and my sister are both girls!" The only reason you are thinking that, is because you have an extreme fixation with birth order. Your fixation with birth order, frankly, is so intense and unreasonable, I can even see you having issues with which of your twins was actually born first - unless you have a lot of therapy to address the actual issues and behaviours of your own family.
I promise you. I guarantee you. The order you were born in is NOT the core of your families problems. Not even if your parents thought it was! That's a moronic excuse they gave to justify how badly they fucked up.
There are always going to be pros and cons to every kind of family set up. Eldest or youngest, middle child, twin or triplet - all possibilities come with pitfalls and limitations! The fact that your family fell into particular bad pit falls with the first born and second born has basically zero reflection on those roles in general. That's about your family, not about birth order.
I know I said something similar to you before, and I'm going to repeat it much more strongly this time.
You MUST stop reading shit about birth order.
You are not helping yourself. Your are contributing to your own disordered thinking and unhappiness. You privilege and select the information and interpretations that supports your fixation and current beliefs about birth order. What you need is a therapist who can talk to you about you. Your situation. Your experiences. Your family. Your feelings. Your thoughts.
These generalization about birth order are part of your problem, and if you keep letting this fixation dominate and control your thinking, it's going to negatively effect your ability to live happily and to parent ANY child, born in any way, at any time.
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Well, I understand your problem (I was the second child in my family), but having twins may not be the best choice. Having one child is hard enough, but having twins is like 'double trouble'. I think it would be better to just have one child, then maybe another a year or two later. You just have to make sure you're giving both kids equal attention so neither of them feel like you favor the other child. All I'm really saying is that twins are a lot of work. They also may not feel very special if they have a twin (Especially an identical twin), because they'll basically have a clone. If you just have one child, they can still have someone their age to play with if you have another child soon after. I just think that would be easier for you as a parent. Good luck!
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