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Life is an adventure but Life doesn't come with user manuals for everything. School subjects do little to prepare us. Its no wonder we all need helpful advice sometimes. Blessings to you!

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Ok, so my husband has a sex addiction. Over 16 years I have learned to suffer, forgive, and let go. Part of our trust agreement is I can look through his phone at will. He has secretly emailed and texts women and deleted the messages and lied about who they were. (says he has low self esteem). I thought our life was going pretty well. UNTIL last week. He left his phone home by accident and asked me to bring it to him at work. Being a nice wife, I did. But before I did I looked through it. Sure enough, He had set up a kik account and was talking to a girl half his age.(26) He is 54, and I wish he would grow out of this behavior. The comments were all hidden or deleted. Well, confronted him and he said it was a girl from facebook marketplace asking about items. He said it was easier to give her more answers on kik. LMAO!! He also gave her his number to text him. I was like WTF!!! So I messaged the girl and told her to leave my husband alone..etc. Whore slut.. what have you. I believed the phony facebook thing to give him the benefit of the doubt. She messaged me 2 days later and said HE messaged her on a poker app and that is how they started talking. NOW, He is giving me the silent treatment, withholding any kind of love. He said when I went snooping "I got what I deserved". So in other words, I have to let him secretly chat with women and our lives will be calm. I'm so angry, so lost. He claims there was nothing going on as does she (lives far away from us). But isn't the end game to secretly texting women to get something sexual out of it if that is his M.O.? Sorry so long winded. Thanks in advance.

I can't say whether it is an actual sex addiction or midlife crisis or plain old cheating and not am to remain monogamous but I would suggest calling the sex addiction hotline and mentioning to them what is going on with your husband to see if this is what he is going through

http://drughelpline.org/sex-addiction-hotline/

I remember vaguely seeing an episode once on TV long ago about sex addicts and if I remember correctly, it wasn't so much about keeping a conversation or an affair with one person at a time secret, but the sex addict was never satisfied, it was like any other addiction, drugs, alcohol, nicotine, gambling,etc, where the person can't get enough sex so they will have sex with a person one morning, another that evening another the next day and the let everything else go, slacking at job attendance to go have sex, not having time for grocery shopping or doing household chores because they feel they just have to have sex. I would say, that in your case, it sounds more a need for marriage counseling. You need to determine why he is doing this. If it is something entirely he is going through in his mind, like wanting to relive his youth by talking to or having affairs with younger females, then a marriage counselor will see that he is the one needing a personal counselor to deal with his issues. Dishonesty like his doesn't just show up overnight or even in a few months. You say 16 years of suffering so my guess is that this trait of dishonesty was there from the beginning only like myself when I married at age 20, I really didn't see the signs or know what to look for but a couple months after marriage I began to see a bad pattern. I stayed because of Church beliefs against divorce and partly being a loyal person. In my case, there wasn't affairs but he was verbally abusive and plain old the wrong sexual match for me. I did remarry and found a jewel of a husband. Totally unlike the first. I am not saying this to convince you to leave him. You will only know that if your husband is unwilling to go for help to even determine if your marriage can be saved. Mine wouldn't go for help because he didn't think he was the one with the problem.

I just want to paint a picture of what it should b like as married couples get older. We are going to lose our youthful looks put on some weight, get w wrinkles and grey hairs. I made sure that this time, the man I married, didn't just say he loved me, because words are cheap and can't be counted on alone. It is the consistentcy by which a man shows the woman that he is IN LOVE with her, not just loves an aspect of her only, and thats the only way I have found to trust when he says I love you. He and I both love each others personality and character and everything about each other on the inside. The outside of us is growing older in looks. But no matter what rolls or wrinkles I have, he still looks at me after 9 years with passion in his eyes. A woman can tell when she sees this passion and interest because the eyes darken as the pupils grow larger. This can't be pretended. I never ever had that with the first one, but once I experienced it, I recognized it immediately. Your husband may love you enough for it to make him contect to stay with you but it may not be enough for him. My husband for example has no interent in having sex with other women. He does see that mens roles with any females in their life, including wife is to uphold her and what she creates or wishes to do and to support her dreams and desires, etc. Ao he will compliment women on their jewelry or something like that, while I am there. Not a one sees him as flirting or hitting on them. He also sees a need and will help like my favorite example, the old neighbor lady whose clothesline lay on the ground and he volunteered to put it back up for her. But the important thing is he doesn't compliment or help other females behind my back and it doesn't take away from what he gives to me. I will always come first to him, my wishes and desires. I am sorry if it sounds like I am bragging becuase that is not my intent. I was once in a bad place marriage wise but I did learn what was right for me. No woman should have to be married to a man who treats her as you have shared. But us women tend to find ways to put up with it and live with it for our various own reasons but none of them will ever be good enough to explain why we stay. It took hearing from God in prayer telling me, you may think you love yourself dear, but you do not love yourself 100 %. So when I asked for explanation, I was told, "Choosing to subject yourself to the kind of treatment you get from your husband means you don't love yourself fully.I gave all, a free will and he is choosing to not uphold hiss vows to love honor and cherish you so you are freed from any vows you made. If you stay, you will die from the stress, if you leave, you will live much longer."

Since I was already experiencing stress related health issues such as daily headaches, a few migraines a year, rashes all over the body, stomach ulcers, etc. I knew it would get worse. I chose to live. Hopefully, if both of you can see counseling, there may be a chance for a future together. But you can not drag him against his will, he has to want to go. He may not think you are serious if you want to go this route, simply because you've put up with his shenanigans for so long. So you may have to simply separate and let him know he has so much time to turn around and agreed to go to counseling or if he doesn't care, it could mean instand decision to divorce.

Typically, men like yours, do not really love a wife as they should. Maybe training is all thats needed. But without any consequences to their bad behavior, and I too am at fault, allowing an ex to treat me poorly for 2 months shy of 30 years, a man will not learn to act any different. Their male friends get away with it, why cna't they. There is no sense of what is right or what it is like to be a good trustworthy man worth having at all. In ending, I will post a list that I revised by adding to it but the majority was written by a male for females to help them understand males and how to know when a man reallyy loves them, giving what a males behavior is like when he loves. There is a tally at the end for how many are true for your man, to see how much he loves you or how little so it may help make it easier to know where you at least stand and whether its worth trying to save or not.
Here it is:


7 Questions to know if he really loves you


1. Does he say I love you. For some, it's a hard thing to say but they show it to you in other ways. When he says I love you, he is viewing that as a commitment to you. It is not a flippant phrase.
Saying I love you too early like during first couple dates is a warning about the guy. Its a very good chance he is needy and wanting a woman to be his mom. Other phrases from a guy count too, like you're awesome, I adore you. You're the woman I always dreamed of.
2. Does he make you a priority in his life? Guys have more than one priority...things very important to him but you should be one of top 3.
What he does for you or how he acts can't be faked easily because it's hard to lie with your body. Things he does without having to be asked, making dinner, picking up something for a collection you have, making time for you, even if it's a walk or a long phone chat. If the guy likes you, he'll make time for you at least a quarter of the time.
3 Does he tell friends about you and like to show you off? Have you been introduced to his family and friends? If he keeps you separate, he's hiding something or ashamed or fearful of something
4. Does he care about your pleasure during sex? Is he only into seeking his own pleasure or your's too. Does he open his eyes and want to have both your eyes connect while making love?
5. Does he respect and encourage you? Respect means, does he value your opinion, do you share decisions and treats you as a partner. Are you encouraged by him to have your own friends and hobbies outside the relationship and encourage you to seek your dreams and uphold you in that.
Jealousy is not love, it's control. It's okay to be protective, but jealousy shouldn't be what prompts the protectiveness
6. Do your friends and family like how he treats you? Others make a great gauge for judging a guys character.
7. Does he look at you with lust and passion in his eyes, with a hunger and thirst for you? Does he give you admiring looks, does he still want to sneak peeks down your shirt. What he sees is Very important since guys are visually stimulated. If he isn't looking anymore, he has lost his interest. All men because of this natural trait, will also view other women but do so discreetly, without being an ass about it. Don't expect a man to look at only you. If he doesn't look at other women at all, it may be a sign that he is gay. You do want a man who is visually stimulated by women.

How many points are true for you with your guy?
7 true He treats you as a Queen and he is an exceptional man
5-6 true He loves you. Just don't focus on what is lacking.
3-4 true He loves you enough to make the relationship work for him. If it's enough for you, then be content. If you feel like you're settling for less, let him go and look for something better.
1-2 true He's a douche-bag, a user or controller. Leave immediately.

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Before I start, i like to keep my information as private as possible so I'll specify now that I'm from Asia and have never been anywhere near Europe or America.
My family, except my dad, shifted to another country. My dad stayed for work and my sister recently went to live with him temporarily because of her exams. To be honest we never really lived with my dad he had work in another city and would only come by on weekends so there is not much difference. My sister's exams are over so i asked her why she decided to stay longer and she told me to mind my own business. That really hurt me because I miss her, i tried to ignore it because maybe she is stressed and we haven't really adjusted to this new country yet. My dad keeps secrets a lot and he clearly shows favouritism for my sister but it's not like he ignores me and my brother, he just prefers my sister's opinions more. He took my sister outside the city as vacation and that made my mom furious because she asked him so many times for a vacation when we were with him and he would decline even if he was free. I don't know, i don't even know how to put the real problem in words, we have always been a happy family with a few normal fights over stupid things. I want to try to understand my dad and sister but they won't open up and i don't want to force them to either. I can't sit by quietly because my mom is really hurt. There is more than just the reasons I said here as an example. My dad helps others a lot but isn't really there for us. Not like he is a bad dad, he gave us a comfortable life and keeps our lives financially stable, he isn't there as a parent. We are close and joke around but i can't rely on him when it comes to advice. My mom is trying hard to get my brother in a good school and my sister into a college and it isn't easy where i live, she confessed she feels used by my dad. He is barely there and he spends money more on trying to help others. Maybe i am over thinking things and it was unnecessary to type this much but i feel so confused

No matter what is going on with sis and Dad, it may be good or it may be something bad, but when people react to a simple question with "Mind your own business" I find that harsh and in most cases, the person or people were trying to hide something from me. It could be the case but that is for them to figure out. Now as for never having Dad around, I don't know how he was brought up but somehow he learned to think that providing money instead of his presence and his love and guidance while you were all growing up was the better choice. ON the other hand, remaining at home, having no work and living poor is also not a good choice. It may have been to expensive to move a whole family closer to where he works. Then we have to look at how he makes more than enough money to provide for your family because he has extra to give away to charity. Maybe sometimes he is giving money away when it is needed by his family.

You said your family used to be a happy family. What you describe, if those weere my parents and family, I would not consider it a happy family. For example, my husband and I are very close and c an't stand being apart so my husband would never take a job that takes him away from me. I would never have put up with a weekend husband yet have all my financial concerns taken care of. I don't know if your Mom chose the marriage or it was forced on her, but if a couple are really in love, having only weekends to see each other is not enough to support a life long successful marriage. Then there is not enough time to give to his children. That was his choice and not the best one either. But whats done is done. YOu can't live in the past, no matter what mistakes your Mom and Dad made. You have to remember you can own only your own feelings about something. This means your Mom being upset only over not getting to go on a vacation, is something she needs to work out inside herself. Either she was content being married to a man who was more like a stranger who provided financially but did not love her enough to make her happy. I think that in every family, there is always going to be one person, either the one you grew up in or extended family through marriages, like cousins for example. Everyone I know, including myself has at least one person who is making terrible decisions because the evidence is there in how it affects others of the family. So while he wasn't an evil man, he still wasn't the best man he could be, a very distant husband and father. He was only the man who sired you and provided the basics financially but he is not totally able to be there for you, another human, listening to you, helping to shape you and guide you as you grew up. That can't be changed. Neither can the choices of Dad and sis to not open up, at least not by you. All change in a person only comes when they decide by themselves to look at who they are, acknowledge their weaknesses and where they want to improve and then do what it takes to learn. There are no parents who automatically after the birth of a baby know exactly how to be the best parent. Some have natural nurturing skills but books and other parents can help show a person how to be a better parent. Thats how I learned and how your Dad could have learned. He for some reason did not want to learn, maybe it was pride, to admit not knowing how to be a good Dad and thinking that working hard would be enough. As you know, it was not.

I know that having the heart aches and unanswered questions as to why certain people in my life have chosen the worst possible path ever and how it affects others, if something that I personally have to chose how I will think about or react to.

My ex husband for example was verbally abusive. I left him a month before our 30th year of marriage. My kids were all out of the house and I had enough of the abuse. I could chose to wonder why he didn't do better as a husband or father, why he ridiculed and verbally beat me up. I have plenty to feel bitter about and to hate him but I have chosen to own my own feelings. The feelings can be the lower choices or the higher one of a more evolved soul. I have chosen to forgive him. I am noticing it wasn't only me, all girlfriends he's had after me have left him eventually. There may be something wrong in his brain, some kind of mental disability that causes him to not be able to care about or love other people. Now that I am out from that and have a new loving husband who also sees the incapability of loving others in the ex, we are seeing a pattern that has always been there. He also refused he has problems and always said I was the one with issues. A visit to a mental health doctor showed I was okay but the Dr. had many concerns about him and then he quit going as he truly did not want to change. You can't make someone want to change. So when it affected me so bad, I made the decision, I would divorce him and look for the kind of husband I always dreamed of and I found him. Your situation is not a husband but a father image. You can still acknowledge in your mind he is your birth father, just like adopted children do, but the person who raised you, is involved in your life and mentor to you, isn't always going to be the birth parent. So be on the look out for a male who sees you as a friend, a daughter, someone who can be the male mentor you can look up to. We aren't always born into perfect families. We need to learn to make the best of what is happening, make our own choices that will help fill any voids, take care of anything that you lacked up til now. Not sure if there is just you and one sis and one brother but perhaps, those of you who remain with Mom, could do what you can to pool money together to take a small vacation of your own with Mom. But Mom still has to come to a place in her mind where she is at peace with how her life and marriage turned out. Surely it is not a shocking surprise to her that her own husband never did anything special for the woman he supposedly loved, like take her on vacation. Earning a living and paying for a home, food, clothes, those are a neccessity everyone on this planet has to do. That is not a way to show your love to your family but apparently he thought it was. One has to do the extra stuff, vacations, gifts, doing special things for her that she could have done herself but he wanted to do it so she could relax a moment, complimenting, encouraging, quality time. In fact there is a book that talks about what the different types of love languages there are like giving of gifts or sharing quality time. I did that with my children. Their dad did not. They never thank him for being a good father but they thank me for being the kind of mother I was, involved in their lives, always able to sit and talk and listen to their concerns. In fact I did that every day after school so they could share any concerns they had and there always were some. I know you wanted that but didn't get it. What you can do is decide you will marry someone who not only is in love with you and loves to show you with special events, like a vacation together and decide now that you will be the best mother ever and read up on how to and ask others and also make sure the man you marry has the sorts of beliefs that are the same as your own and that one of them is being active in the familys life and loving them with all your heart, willing to die for them and you can have a happier future than what you have now. I am sorry I haven't any magical advice because as long as anything involves people beyond yourself, all I can advise is what you can do for yourself to be happier, not how to change situations or people for the better because everyone was given a free will to do as they please, whether good or bad.

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I’m in band and I feel like I don’t belong. I’m not great at playing my instrument. There’s this really hard song “creed”, and I cannot play it at all! Practice doesn’t work. I feel like I should quit, but soon the band is going to an amusement park, and that’s sounds fun so I don’t know.

When the going gets tough, the tough get going, or so the saying goes. The other option is not to get going on working out how to stay but to quit instead. If you quit now, you may not have the chance to learn how to work through something difficult and hard. I know that schools want kids either playing an instrument or singing in choir or another school vocal group. Sometimes, you have no choice to opt out but have to pick an instrument and go with it. My girls had to pick an instrument in grade school already, no choice not to. THey all chose flute. Only one daughter still plays today and without lessons learned to play a keyboard. The other two were more like you, found it hard, wanted to quit but as I asked, stuck with it. I see the tendencies in them as adults now to face a difficult situation instead of giving up and running from it. They learned this already in school, to stick with something and be tough. Yes, you may improve, and also you may not, but you will still learn something, how to work together with others and how to not give up so easily.

If this is really bothering you so much you can't stop thinking about it, ask to meet with your music teacher after class or after school and tell teacher how difficult you find it, and ask if you can play the song you say you can't. Let him/her listen and then ask if they can give you more one on one training or if you need a tutor. Let the teacher decide if it is time for you to quit or to hang in there.

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I have a question about a family event.

My son is graduating from high school, so I feel compelled to ask my family to attend. However, we are not close, and I have a horrible relationship with my sister who is a bully and is horribly judgmental.

That being said, I am having his party at a park,so I don't have to have my family in my home. I have pets, which they don't approve of, and I don't want to hear it.

My question is, how do I say I don't want you people in my house, without saying that? Or should I just say that?

This is causing me a lot of unnecessary stress, and I am unsure how to proceed. Any advice would be so appreciated!

You don't want to invite people who feel obligated because they are blood relations but not into it, or as you said, worse, they don't like you, your husband and children, your pets, etc....

So if it was me in this situation, I would think of this special occasion as similar to a wedding. The bride and groom to be, invite whom they wish to be there to celebrate. It's your sons graduation so it really should be whom he wants to be there to see him graduate. Attending the graduation does not have to have an invite attached to attend a celebration party after. This should be voted on by all family members as they all will be present and catch the brunt of any ugly behavior if there is any.

You don't have to hold it at your home and where you choose to have the party is your familys choice, you don't have to justify it. So if you invite them to a party at the park, and they ask why its not at your house, its best not to point out the true reasons why. If your son agrees ahead of time to support your answer that it was all his choice, he wanted them at graduation and where he had his party. If you live somewhere where there may be a chance that it is a colder or even rainy day, then have a back up plan that does not include your home. My extended family has used a Pizza places reservable back room for birthday parties, everyone orders pizza and then there is cake they bring for dessert. This works great when its not all kids or teens and a mix of ages up to grandparents. Although to reserve such a place, usually no cost, just your name on it for a time slot, it needs to be done ahead of time. In that case, you might invite to a party there instead of the park at all. I live where weather is unpredictable, so thats why I added this part.

Best defense is a good offense, and when it comes to people acting nasty towards you, the best offense is not to let them know it bothers you. So if your sister or whomever asks you pointblank why your son or your family chose party in the park, at the pizza place, etc... I would say the truth but not make it a bad thing but a good thing, like you trying to save them from being miserable putting up with your pets. "Well sis, we all have noticed your family doesn't like being around animals much or maybe just our pets. SO we planned the event with you in mind, so you can be happier." YOu know, something like that in your own words. No matter what she says, silence will only make her angrier so lets say she says, its not the dogs I don't like, your house is so messy. An outright insult like that is a spark waiting for fuel to turn into a raging blaze so insulting back or defending yourself and correcting or arguing the situation will only make it worse. I know from having an ex. who was verbally abusive. I left him and divorced, so believe me, I know what works and doesn't with difficult people. I try to insert humor. And sometimes, nothing works at all and you have to distance yourself from the people who are being nasty. So instead of basing your answers on why you don't want them in your house, base them on how you are catering to their feelings about your pets when you selected the location. Don't bring up her being verbally abusive. However, as I have read once of a wedding where some particularly trouble making relative was invited, this couple told that person that although they were invited, there are some rules tey must abide by so the wedding will be nothing but pleasant memories. If they tend to act up and make a fuss or upset anyone there, you will have them physically removed from the premises and if they try to reenter the church or reception hall, the police will be called, yes, even if it is a parent of yours. It worked for them. I revised that to any place you have rented, or a home you own. If the party is at your own place, rather than a social location like a park, you can't kick them out if they show up there, however you could ask everyone but them to relocate to your house if things got bad and let them know you are leaving due to how they are acting and therefore, they are not invited to your house. If at your home to begin with, your home is your castle. You get to dictuate what happens between its walls. SO if your final decision is to hold it at your home, then you let them know they are invited but ... (spell out the names of the troublemakers) but if June and Billy act in any way or make any disruptive comments while at the party, I will ask you to leave. If you do not, I will call police to remove you. The police will do this. This falls under a domestic issue and if some one is in your home who does not live there, even if once invited but they don't leave when you tell them to, this is something they will do. If you want to add anything, you explain the warning of calling police as you are willing to go to whatever extent you have to, to make this graduation for your son be as wonderful as possible.

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I've been told many times that I need counseling. I was raised by an abusive father, I have very low self-esteem and an issue with self hatred, I've had an issue with depression, my sister thinks I have OCD, I used to have a fear of marriage and still fear ending up in a marriage like my parents, I sometimes feel ashamed of myself and am paranoid when I go out in public that people are talking about me, and I have irrational fears. I want counseling badly, but every time I think about expressing my feelings to a counselor, I feel scared. I'm afraid of being judged. I'm afraid that my feelings are stupid, strange, unreasonable, selfish, childish, an overreaction, etc.

I'm not just afraid of expressing my feelings to a counselor, I'm afraid of expressing them to anyone with the exceptions of my mother because she loves me unconditionally and people on this site because I can do so anonymously. I worry that anyone else will judge and shame me for my feelings because people have before.

I'

I want a family one day, but like I said, I'm afraid of marriage. I used to be afraid of ending up with a husband like my dad, but then I got over that and now I'm afraid of being a terrible wife. I used to see this guy named Scott who was wonderful. He was actually TOO wonderful, like Santa Claus' nicer brother. He was the best, but I always felt like I didn't deserve him. I felt like I could marry him, but feared that I was dragging him down.

For a good while now, I've been seeing a guy named Timothy. He too is great. I love him so much and would love to be married to him one day, but I have the same fear with him that I did with Scott as well as a new fear that, even though he's never done or said a thing to make me feel this way, I'll never be able to express some of my feelings to him if we do get married. I've thought about why I might feel this way with Timothy when I didn't with Scott and I've considered that I love Timothy more than Scott and therefore, I'm more afraid of losing him. Also, while Scott grew up in a loving, functional family, Timothy grew up with an abusive father like I did. I think I'm scared that if our feelings aren't similar, he'll find mine strange or unreasonable. Since he's been through what I have, I constantly feel tempted to talk to him about it, but fear that if I feel too strongly or not strongly enough about something or if I have a feeling he doesn't have at all, he'll judge me for it. He's not a judgemental person and hasn't done anything to give me this fear, but I have it anyway. I don't want to express a feeling that pushes him away, but I also don't want to bottle feelings up and end up exploding or having him find out that I'm hiding my feelings and being hurt because of it. And as I'm writing this, I feel like a nut and worry I'll be judged for these feelings.

What am I gonna do? I want counseling, but don't know if I'll ever be able to open up to a counselor and really talk about my feelings. I'm worried my feelings are gonna ruin my life, but I also worry that if I start to express them and feel judged, I'll just be less willing to talk about these problems. Any advice?

First, a good counselor who really understands their job requirements is going to have compassion for people with problems. Otherwise, they would not be in this job. You need to understand that it is your mind telling you that you may or will be shamed by telling someone where it is not anonymous as it is on here. Everything you told me, you need to tell a mental health professional. I do have a bit of advice on choosing someone. I will also post a site right now of a Dr. David D. Burns, at https://feelinggood.com/

This Dr. learned decades ago of a better way to help people with issues like yours. Because of having dysfunctional parents,and abuse, and fears, you do not sound like someone born with the genetics already in you to have mental disabilities, or diseases. What you suffer is probably more likely due to your environment growing up and your experiences. All of that can be corrected and you living the life of your dreams, married happily. But first i need to state that when you look at this site I gave you, it is about help using medicine as a last resource. 90% of patients do not have issues due to an imbalance or as I said something genetically passed on. Most people have issues that all stem from their thoughts and you can control your thoughts and replace the distorted or negative ones with correct, positive ones. That is what CBT, or Cognitive Behavioral Therapy is about and if you read throughout this site of Feeling Good it should give you hope that you won't be this way all of your life. At the Home tab, scroll all the way to the bottom where people can write in with questions to Dr. Burns and get answers back from him. I read comments years back and was amazed at for example a woman who was depressed her whole life but after learning how to overcome it, in her 50s or 60s, she was finally normal for the first time in her life! I love reading that sort of thing. You can check out his books, look at a lis t of podcasts and watch anything you feel refers to one of the issues you have. While surfing this website is great, it still does not compare to seeing a licensed mental health Dr. If you have insurance, you will need to see someone who is trained on CBT as the others all do talking only and prescribing meds. If needed, yes meds help but that is only about 10% who need it. Ask insurance for psychologists that they cover, and call all on the list and check which ones are trained in CBT. Pick the one who is, and see your general practitioner Dr. to refer you to this person, giving the Dr. the name and contact info of the Dr. you want to see. You can become an overcomer, and no longer be a victim of your past experiences. Let me know how things go for you dear.

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I recently got accepted into a university and will be transferring from a community college to a university in the fall. My mom checked my syllabus and they are very strict about attire for my lab. I have to take chemistry 2 and it’s required for my major. They said that no skin whatsoever can be showing and we must wear long pants and leggings won’t work. Thing is, for my religion we wear skirts. I was thinking about wearing something under my skirt, but I don’t know what would be most appropriate. I wear leggings in the house and don’t own a pair of pants so I would have to go shopping. For anyone who’s taken these kinds of labs, would they be ok with that? Is it just necessary to have long clothing or would pants be necessary? I’m just wondering how to work around this. Thanks!

Another voice agreeing with what the last person said. If they for some reason don't want to compromise, you can ask why pants are required. If it is for a safety reason, flowing skirts that could c atch on something or drooping sleeves that could knock something over or get dragged through what you are working on, then it is a safety issue, not a dumb rule for no reason. At this point, you'd have to decide if you will comply with wearing exactly what they say for safety reasons, because they would be liable if they allowed you to wear skirts and something happened to you. If you would have too much trouble with the parents in such a case, or you simply don't wish to wear what is and isn't allowed, then you would have to drop the class and give up on your major or follow the rules which are most likely for safety reasons. I had that in a work situation.

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29/f. I feel like I need to give a backstory, so I apologize in advance if this gets to be a little bit long. I began dating my current boyfriend, Steve, when I was abut 22 years old, give or take. Growing up, my mom and I were close. But, as soon as I became an adult, she started to abuse me horrifically. It seemed that all along, she just wanted me under her thumb and once she saw that I was establishing my own life as an adult, she couldn't accept it... including a more serious relationship. I started to realize, slowly but surely, that we were never really "friends." I was just a puppet.

So, she encouraged me to break up with him for various reasons and red flags that she believed I had missed. I believed that she was insane and just didn't want me to be with him due to her abusive nature. In fact, when I told her I didn't want to break up with him, she abused me constantly. At this point, I couldn't afford to move out of her house because she drained my bank accounts and ruined my credit and I was in college. One day,I believe she would have killed me if it wouldn't have been for immediate intervention from a witness. But of course, she will deny that all this happened. Steve was aware of the abuse. But, he was also comfortable living rent-free at his parent's home. I couldn't move out at this point, on my own, because my credit had been ruined.

At this point, a few years ago, I decided to keep my relationship a secret from her entirely. I felt that I had to, for my own safety. I really believed that she would kill me if she knew I was still dating him. Eventually, I was able to move into my own apartment. It was then that I was able to see some major red flags. Sexual encounters between us typically included some rough play. But, it started to get to a point that worried me. I was bruised and bleeding and it often ended with me in tears. He ghosts me constantly. Goes missing without a trace and then comes back and makes scenes in public places if he disagrees with me about something.

To be honest, when he ghosted me, I really thought it was over, especially after the scene he made at a restaurant the previous week. I had a horrible anxiety attack during this time and my best friend took me out, we had fun, we had a few drinks, and we went out dancing.

When we out dancing, I met Josh. We talked and this opened my eyes to the fact that not every guy is like this. Not every guy is some abusive, horrible, demeaning, mean human being. I really believe that my mother groomed me for abuse, making me totally blind to his abusive tendencies from the beginning. The red flags were there. She was right. But, it doesn't mean that she was looking out for my best interest. But, it seemed like these wires got crossed and I thought that I had to choose one of these abusive people. I felt that if I broke up with him, I was choosing her and admitting she was a phenomenal mother. If I chose him, I would be admitting that she was wrong. Now, I'm seeing so clearly that they were BOTH wrong. They have both done really horrible things. None of them are in the right.

So, I would really like to allow Josh to take me out. But, I'm deathly afraid of breaking up with Steve. It feels like I can't do it. I'm not afraid of not being with him. I'm not quite sure why I feel so afraid to just pull the plug. If he had another outburst or hit me again, I feel like I could leave. But, to just pull the plug is really difficult. I'm really not sexually attracted to Steve because the sexual "intimacy" has been too violent, leaving me almost afraid of anything sexual. I feel that he's really mean to me. I don't feel beautiful around him at all. I realize that I've felt undeserving of love this entire time and it's like something snapped and I know I deserve better now. Almost like I was under a spell.

What am I so afraid of? Advice is appreciated.

My ex husband was mean mostly verbally. So it didn't take much, just a look on my face for him to be angered and verbally lash me. He only began shoving me at the end of 30 year marriage. However the mental abuse is as bad or worse often than physical. I am so proud of you. You are such an intelligent young woman to see all of this for what it really is, the light going on for you. I was still lying to myself and putting up with my crap back then.

So I can tell you that when married or living together, most women who know its a bad deal, who stay even so is because of a financial concern, of not being able to survive financially without two paychecks towards rent and the rest. Another fear women have for feeling is due to all the stories we've heard of ex boyfriend/husband stalking his ex, threatening their life, doing retaliatory things to her. And that is a big concern because if the man is already exhibiting a mean streak, there is a good chance of him trying something. I do know that if you fear for your life, you can place a restraining order on him if he threatens you when you say you want to break up.

I would recommend a restraining order for sure. Everything little thing he does to scare you, intimidate etc. must be reported to the police. It may sound extreme to you but there is a good reason. The police need a paper trail, or at least a trail of previous complaints logged into their computer system on this guy. That way, when he repeats an offense, like threats over the phone, the police may take him in for questioning. However, if he breaks the restraining order by coming within so many feet of you, not just your residence, but anywhere you go in public, the police will put him in jail when you call them.

You mentioned having your own apartment. I hope its truly just yours because if he's staying with you, it is easier to kick him out. If he refuses to leave, call the police. If he has a key, you will need to have the front door lock changed. YOu might want to get permission from the apt manager and let them know you kicked him out since he was abusive and you fear retaliation due to his mean streak and he still has a key so you want locks changed. It is important to get a new telephone number and not share it even with Mom. I would suggest blocking your number, or find out how before you initiate a call to your Mom. It is best that she not know at all because if she is as bad as you say, she might be ecstatic at being able to provide Steve with your new phone number.

If he is on the lease with you, then its more difficult. Its where he lives so you might want to rent a storage unit for a few months to put your stuff in, find a friend you can stay with temporary, I walked away from a l ease, ruining my credit as far as a renter goes. The ruined credit was better than suffering more. I can also say that long term, the stress of living like that will change you in bad ways. Stress has to go somewhere so it either affects you mentally or physically. For me, I got all sorts of stress related things, daily headaches, migraines a few times a year, rash all over my body that came and went and was itchy, stomach ulcers, etc . It creeps up on you slowly except for the headaches, that I had to live with daily. So if you are so scared you are considering staying, then think of your own health being affected. YOu wouldn't want something major like cancer developing or heart issues. Stress can bring those on as well. At least, thats what I have been told.
You also have to swallow your pride and tell as many people as should know about Steve and how he's treated you. I didn't like it the first time I told anyone else, but it got easier right after the first one or two. I was amazed how many women told me they had the same crap in their past with bf or husband and left for good, remarried. So thee was lots of understanding and support but you have to ask for it. You s tart off with the apt manager and let them know whats been going on, how you are terrified of retaliation from him because that is how he usually is. So if he's on the lease, you let them know, you need another apt, even a smaller one asap so you can live there instead. Most people understand this kind of thing. If with the same apartments, just you switching apts may not affect your record and he would be left to pay the entire rent himself or whatever. I can't say for sure on any of this but you might want to decide after talking to your manager and you might do that now before you even tell Steve you are breaking up with him. Of course he will know you are in the complex and still try to bother you and thats why a restraining order is a good idea. However, if remaining in same apts, you may want to check what the distance is that he needs to be that far from you because it may not work if you end up a few doors down from him. No matter if on the lease or not, you need to let immediate neighbors know of your situation. No matter which apt complex you end up living in. If a neighbor knows you have a guy who might stalk you or try to hurt you, ask them if you can call them after you call police, maybe a code word so you don't have to say much. Help. Life in danger and hang up. The neighbor will know to be watching, especially if they hear him pounding on your door and can open their door a crack to be able to visually identify him. This would be neighbors on either side of you or across the hall. They will know it could be anytime of day or night so they need to know they might get a call middle of the night. For during the day, find a neighbor who is home during the day who will come near by your apt in case he is outside, or knock and ask if you are okay if he is not outside but found a way inside. He will want you to say I am okay. Arrange ahead of time to let her know if you call her anything but her real name, that she is to call police and tell them the guy is inside your apt and to hurry as he is a violent man. SO i her name is Sophie, you simply say "I'm okay CHarlotte". and he will think no one knows he is there and you do whatever to survive until police arrive. They take domestic violence seriously and really rush to get to the scene as they know how these things can escalate.
I am trying to think of other angles. But not many unless you find a gal looking for a roomate and you switch to living there so there is someone else around. That makes it less likely for him to try something if he even wants to. i know this may sound scary. But until someone like him is in jail or has given up, left you alone and went on to live his own life, you have to expect anything could happen. If you stay with him, theres a risk of being hurt badly by him. If you leave or break up, there is also a risk of him trying something retaliatory. HOwever he has better access to you if in the same apt, or you havent broken up with him so its scary either way. But I think you will be glad you did what you had to, talk to police, change apts, change phone and not telling others, telling neighbors to be watchful for your sake.
Let me know how things go f rom here.

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So my crush has had a girlfriend for a month now, It sucks seeming in the hallway holding hands and smiling like it like an arrow in my heart. I have been getting over him from time to time, We have a class hour together and sit together, I just dont talk to him unless he talks to me... It hard to have a conversation with him in class, even to look at him..The atmosphere doesent feel so great.....Over text our conversation our lighthearted and kind but in person it just seems cold and tense, and no talking.

The school year just ended, the last day of school I texted him we had a little conversation, He told me he was really happy with her, I replied and the conversation was wholesome, then i deleted his number, and just breathed and thought " This is over, there not really chance to see him". I can contiune to focus on myself and move on. then today I got a notifcaion from facebook that it was his birthday, I really just want to move on and not talk to him anymore, even besides the crush thing he overall just really a person I could become a close friend in person not over text. Do i wish him a happy birthday?

I know this is after the fact but if you did nothing and still want to send wishes, go ahead on FB. Instead you wish him a happy belated Birthday. You don't need to say anything else. Sending birthday wishes is not intruding when he has a girlfriend. He will have recieved wishes from all sorts of people, non of who are in competition with his girlfriend.

What I do want to mention that you didn't ask about is how to deal with this situation in the future but you can bet it will happen again. The situation I mean is having a crush on someone. Next thing you know, they are no longer single but dating.

You may know this all but it's good to refresh in your mind and not forget for the future. A crush is not only a one sided attraction to someone but this kind is all in your head. Most often, those crushing leave no physical sign that they are interested as more than friends. I do understand that many won't say anything because they fear rejection. What I propose you think instead, is not of it actually being a rejection, but a true fact that there is no chemistry felt on the other persons side. You know what chemistry is, right? But just in case you want clarification, this kind of attraction and chemistry goes beyond friendship and is the desire and romance a person feels for the other. Sometimes neither person feels attraction for the other, so no problem. Sometimes both feel it. When adults get much older, they can already tell often when a person is attracted by their body language, expressions and what they may be saying as well. Its harder to be sure when we are younger. Then sometimes, only one person feels attraction while the other doesn't. The thing is not knowing what to do to learn if the other person sees you as more than just a friend. The only difference between being a friend and being each others significant other, is that you still have the friendship with the latter and also the one thing a regular friendship doesn't have, which is the attraction, romance, desire and being in love. I know plenty of gals who live with hints so in case he also likes her, he could know its okay to reach out to her. Guys are just as scared to make the first move. When I met the guy who became my second husband, we met on a da ting site and had to meet in person to see if we felt chemistry. You can't feel it on line because our pheromones have something to do with it, and we can't use our senses to pick up on that when not in the persons actual physical presence. SO let me know if you feel you need more pointers in this area at all.

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I am a 30 year old female and I live at home my mom and stepdad . I live at home because I have some disabilities. I just dentures and the place I went to did not do them right. My stepdad has took me 3 times already and refuses to take me again. The dentures are to big for mouthy. I can't even wear them . I don't drive due to anxiety. He yelled at me when I asked me to take me again. My mom can't take me due to an illness where she uses a wheelchair. I don't know where to turn. I even suggedted going on the medical van by myself because they take you to all appointments for free if you have Medicare but my mom said no to that. Is there anything else I can do to get these things fixed. I have been going around with no teeth.

You are an adult,, even if disabled. You should qualify for help from DSHS. You recieve a disability check, SSI, and when you are disabled and recieve a disability check because you are unable to work, you also qualify for other help. Do what I told you before, call DSHS, that title is Department of Social and Health Services and tell them what you told us and ask for help. Your Mom should be looking into this for you. If she can't, and it is too hard for you to do, then think of a relative, a cousin, aunt, grandma, someone you could talk to and ask them to call for you.

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I am a 30 year old female and still live at home with my mom and stepdad due to disabilities. I just got some dentures and they are to big for mouth . I can't even where them so I have been going around with no teeth . my stepdad has already took me 3 times . He has refused to take me again and mom can't due to an illness that requires her to use a wheelchair. I even suggested going on the medical van because they take you for free if you have Medicare. Is there anything I can due to get these things fixed help my mom said no to medical can because she wants some one to go with me.

If you have disabilities that affect you so you can not work, support yourself, live on your own, and you recieve a check from the state monthly to go towards your personal expenses each month, then you are also entitled to have a person from the Department of Social and Health services, the same place that handles food stamps, handles helps for the disabled. I did caregiving in the past for physicall6 disabled and the mentally disabled. Each was an adult and had a representative who met with them once a year to go over whether anything has changed for the better, worse or stayed the same and wanted me as the caregiver to be present. One of my duties as a part time caregiver was cleaning the home, planning or cooking meals, keeping track of any medications taken and re ordering them when needed and taking them to Doctor and Dentist appointments, also shopping. I don't know if you qualify if living with the parents but if you wish to live on your own, then you should be speaking to the DSHS social worker who is assigned to help you. If your mom is in a wheelchair, then she is limited physically by how she can help you. I was present for all my clients health concerns and could tell her doctors stuff she didn't remember to tell them herself. If your disabilities include mental ones, then it might be best to have someone with you but you would need to be assigned a part time care giver. If yours are only physical disabilities, then there is no reason for you to not go on the free medical transportation. Dentures aren't the easiest thing to fit for people. I know an older woman who has been twice already for refittings as the dentures she was given don't fit right so she began going around not wearing them until the Doctor gets it right. However, once the measurements are right, the Doctor will have that in his records so if they ever need to be replaced, it will be much easier. I don't know if you qualify for help but your Mom can do that and make the calls. Then you would have someone to go with you and take you to all your Doctor appointments. So let Mom see this.

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do you get wet during medical exams

If by wet, you mean sexually aroused, I cannot say if there are others who react that way to a Dr.s exam. If you mean does the Dr. get sexually aroused, they are trained to not think of patients in that way because they would lose their license if they even flirted with a patient. Usually, most people do as the Doctor, and Choose to think of a visit with the Doctor as a non sexual thing, even if it means having to wear one of those hospital gowns for an exam. THe only thing I can think of is perhaps a very young person just going through puberty and usually most would be too embarassed for an exam where they need to wear a gown. If a few get wet, then likely it's their thoughts that bring it about, thoughts that if partially dressed, nude under the gown, that this is the same as getting undressed for having sex. It would be your own thoughts causing you to react this way.
If you meant something else, you will have to explain.

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I recently made up with a friend after a big fight. I though she had changed, but the problem had just gotten worse. My friend constantly abandons me in school and leaves me feeling bad about myself. It's like she's embarrassed of me or something. Even if she says she'll walk with me, she just walks away from me and goes over to someone that's more popular than me, who she barely knows. The only point she wants to hang out with me is when we're alone.It gets to the point where she'll just follow the popular kids around and ignore me for hours at a time. I'm too socially awkward and nice to tell her how I feel to her face, and if I do it through text I'll feel cowardly. What should I do? Should I just treat her how she treats me?

It sure sounds like your so called friend is not only 'not truly a friend' but she has her reasons for wanting to be accepted into the popular kids group. This would mean that the times she hangs with you is because there are no popular kids around that she wants to align herself with. Why would she want to join them? Maybe a low self esteem that she believes would be solved by hanging with popular kids. The reason she abandons you to hang out with someone else is because she believes the others seeing her with you will ruin her chances of being accepted. She has not been accepted and right now is only forcing her presence upon the others by tagging along like a lost puppy. So she will continue to only hang with you as long as it suits her,, and your feelings do not even occur in her mind. It's all about her but then that can be the same for many still in school. YOu can do better than her for a friend. You can not change a person by telling them what you don't like about them and how they are treating you. Trust me, I know this from being married in the past to a man who verbally abused me and talking to him was a waste of breath. What I learned is that unless a person is ready to acknowledge that something is wrong with them or with the things they do and also having a want to change into a better person, then it is not going to happen. Since she is still chasing after popular kids, she has no clue that she has issues that need to be dealt with that being accepted into their group, will not change her. Change comes from inside, not outside influences, so it won't come from even hanging with the popular kids. You did mention being socially awkward. That is something I can understand as I was like that in the past but I may have been way worse off than you. I had social anxiety and my thoughts and fears were of things that never happened with it involved people. I was terrified of talking to othrs, other than a handful of friends who were maybe a little more outgoing than I. It was them approaching me that gave me friends. I was too chicken to seek out others, or just say a simple 'Hi' to a person for fear it would start a conversation and I would have no idea what to say. That really terrified me. So if you are not that bad, it will be so simple for you to learn how to seem friendly enough for others to find you interesting enough to want to be your friend.
Even if you are doing really bad, if you are consistant in facing your negative or distorted thoughts, you can overcome it in weeks.

To help you out, I am putting a description from a dictionary on the word 'Friendly' because a main reason others didn't approach me or want to be friends was because I seemed unfriendly. Here we go:
Friendly: being kind and pleasant.
"they were friendly to me"
synonyms: affectionate, affable, amiable, genial, congenial, cordial, warm, demonstrative, convivial, companionable, company-loving, sociable, gregarious, outgoing, clubbable, comradely, neighborly, hospitable, approachable, easy to get along with, accessible, communicative, open, unreserved, easygoing, good-natured, kindly, benign, amenable, agreeable, obliging, sympathetic, well disposed, benevolent.

These are what it is like to be friendly. For an easy non verbal way/body language to show you are friendly, then you need to know that a smile is a silent message to a person that you are 'approachable, social and friendly' which are all words from the definition above. I truly never looked people in the eyes or smiled at them. Now that I am cured, I come across a person like that and I can see now what kids throughout school years thought of me simply by how I acted in social circles. I was acting closed off, the opposite of the descriptions above. So it may be that some of that is going on with you due to your not being totally relaxed in social situations. Rather than show you the steps of what I did to become the total opposite, the social butterfly, or anywhere in between that is natural for you and works. Just let me know if you want me to paste in that story and list. But you must go to my column, Dragonfly Magic, to write directly to me and in a way I can answer. I can't answer in the ratings and comment column. There is no button on my end to push to be able to answer from there, only from those sent from my column.
The reason I feel this is so important a step, is because as I realized, once I got out of HS and was an adult, being not able to manuever in social ways in society was going to be very bad for having a happy successful life. Focus on yourself, and once you have enough confidence to smile, chat with others, you will be making new friends, and won't need to waste time with the so called friend who is really two faced and not a friend. SO no, you don;t tell her to her face or treat her how she treats you. IT won't work. If in your staying away from her, she gets curious enough to ask why you don't want to spend time with her anymore, you say to her, "If I tell you why, you will not be very happy so I 'd rather not." Either she will drop it realizing its something bad about herself she doesn't want to hear or she will ask again what it is or insist you tell her. (the curiosity will be killing her) then if you wish to tell her all, do so, but make sure there is no anger in your heart toward her and your words are shared softly, gentle tones. This is the one time I would say it is okay to tell her to her face. But as said, it has to be from a standpoint of wanting to see her get better in how she treats others, not just for your sake but the bigger picture of how she will make more friends, become popular without having to belong to the popular group and how it will open more doors in her adult life rather than closing or never opening them.

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Hello, I am from the Philippines. Since childhood I know everyone around me just see me as a weak and a low profile person. They just don't say it because it could hurt me. How to make people know that I am not someone like that?

I am going to interpret that you meant weak as in personality, not muscle strength because you added in the 'low profile' part. Although not the words I used to describe myself when I used to be like this, I do understand.
I will try to explain and hope a translating device will give you a good idea if you do not speak or read English.

Low profile I would call Introvert. The meaning is that such a person is very quiet, doesn't interact with others much but if they do, they will almost never initiate it, or start it. I am trying different words with same meaning to see if it helps you understand. I also know that a quiet person doesn't speak up for themselves much, won't let others know if they have a need, or a particular wish. They are shy. In todays world of classifications in mental health like Anxiety, I know know that what I had when I went to school through grade 12, was actually Social Anxiety but it hadn't been discovered as a condition back then. I remember that as low profile, meant I was not noticed often by other people. I was actually scared of people and part of my problem was my mind imagining, playing a story in my head, of how every person around me would react in a bad way, a negative way to me. I felt this way about people when I was not interacting with them, when I was doing my own mission, or when I was speaking out loud to someone. I knew that being this way would cripple my success as an adult once I got out of school. So when I finished school, I got serious about looking for answers and I found them. I did not see a Doctor, the doctor who is a mental health specialist. But I came across books by one of them, a Psychologist who wrote about many disorders. In most cases, a person does not need medicine but can be cured by just focusing on working with their thoughts. I had negative or distorted thoughts. Distorted is believing that something will happen for real.

Before I add in my story of how I got over being so quiet, I must say , now that I am cured, friendly, outgoing, extrovert, first to start a conversation, I notice that people who are quiet like you and how I used to be, get overlooked and seen as a weak person because they are too quiet and that feels boring, not worth someones time to try to make friends. I had friends but those friends all approached me first, I did not approach them. That is a problem. So I am human and will react the same as people used to react to me in my younger years. However, I know that most people like this will be friendly if someone else talks to them first so I will make the effort to befriend people, even if they seem to be boring, uninteresting at first time I see them.

If what I am saying, if what you meant to ask for help with, then read on. If not, try to explain what your exaxt problem is.

Overcome Shyness

I used to be so shy I wouldn't get up to use the pencil sharpener in grade school because I didn't want the other kids to stare at me. I refused to do book reports for fear of speaking in front of the class. So my grades would suffer. In contrast, my dad was a very friendly extroverted person and always bringing home new friends he had made. Us kids liked it cus these “uncles” would bring candy for us and many had accents from around the world with lots of interesting stories too.

It took until I was about 17 before I decided I was sick and tired of being so shy. I didn't have the guts to just switch behavior and start talking. Strange how I never thought to talk to my dad about that and get help from him. So I prayed and asked God for help (He knows each of us better than anyone )
and here's the answers I got. It sure helped me and I know it will help you. You can skip any steps you already have mastered.
None of this involves using people you already know because you already have some comfort level there For this exercise, you will have to drop the teaching, “Never talk to strangers”. Just use common sense and talk to people in public places where other people are around and don't go off alone with anyone. So here's your lesson.

1. Smile at strangers every day as you come across them. When you are comfortable with this, move on to step 2
2. Smile and add saying hello to people you don't know. This is already harder because your mind will be going, "They're gonna think I'm nuts cus I am saying hi and they dont even know me." When you can do this without feeling awkward or shy, move to step 3
3. Smile and say hi to and then pay a compliment to another person you don't know. It could be telling the grocery clerk you love her necklace. Keep paying compliments to people until you can do so without being fearful of their reaction or simply the act of doing it.
4. Smile, say Hi, and start a conversation with a stranger. Here's an example. When I'd be at a clothing rack and another woman was there...no matter her age, I would make a comment to her about the clothing. I'd pull something off the rack and ask what she thinks of it for me.
Keep trying statements with a question to get responses from a person. If they don't open up and start responding and sharing some of their story or thoughts then they are part of the 10 % of people who are hermit like and don't like being around people or talking to them. I took a class that taught about personality types and discovered that 90% of people are very friendly but almost all of that 90% will not start conversation first. If you can learn to start conversation first, in every situation, you will find that the majority of people respond in a very friendly and supportive way. They won't find the fact that you start talking too weird. Once they figure you're a naturally friendly person you will see them willingly respond back and share bits and pieces of information and such.
I was trying to pick ripe but not over ripe melon one time when an older woman was tapping and listening to the melons. I asked what she was doing and she explained that there is a certain sound it makes so I learned something. Later we bump into each other in another aisle, and I say, "Well Hello again!" Her response, "Hello again. Do you use coupons?" "Sometimes." "Do you buy this product," she shows me something in her cart, "Yes I do." "Well I happen to have a coupon for a great deal on it if you'd like," and without waiting for my response reaches into pocket and hands it to me. You'd be amazed at the conversation you could have with people and be able to share helpful info with them or vice versa. And sometimes in the conversing you may find people who you have some things in common with and you decide to keep in touch with and exchange cell numbers and /or get their name for facebook friending. Once you are comfortable with talking to one person, then its a small matter to talk to groups of people.

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my cities mayor is gay and supports gay rights, adoption, marriage etc, i am a Christian and the mayor offered me a job as her chief equality officer aka right hand person to make decisions on her behalf , should i work for her as a chirstian even though she supports something I dont? im sure some subjects will come up about gay rights etc during my tenure with her....


I was a right hand person to the owner of a Claims handling company. So I know what it entails. Anytime he was sick, had a day off or was in meetings, I was the one to make decisions, answer questions and help others exactly as he would have. He'd clue me in ahead if something was coming up. Although my desk was outside his office with window between us open so I usually heard everything and already knew before he could tell me.

I am sure the mayor has other people working for her handling topics not related to equality rights. YOu said the title of job was Equality Officer, so I assume it would handle equality of any kind, regarding hiring in her office, and equality issues regarding many classifications, race, male or female, age, LGBT and others. This would mean she is assuming you would be able to want to see people in any of these classifications get their equal rights, for a job, for service of any kind, and the kinds of things that have come up for Gay people or Transgender, etc. I know Christians even Pastors who are open minded regarding LGBT people. I even had an on line chat friend years back who was a Pastor of a Gay friendly church. Just as there are many denominations of churches because devout believers differed on a subject or two, there are churches who embrace them and their issues as well.

SO the fact remains, as to how open minded you are. If you are a Christian but support Gay rights, then you should go for the job. If you have chosen to believe that being Gay is wrong, and an abomination to God, then you should not apply. It will become clear to people in the office soon enough that you can't fully support and help gay people because of your convictions. You will be torn in opposite directions.

I will add something here not related to your question but food for thought for you. I am supportive of Gay people and am a Christian. You may think the two can not exist together. See, I used to just accept without question what the Pastor taught. Then I happened to read about how farmers who raise animals will see a Male animal going after another male, not a female. This has been going on as long as there have been humans and animals on the planet and has been known by Farmers for as long as animals have been raised on farms. There will always be a percentage of animals that are naturally born gay. So the argument of a person choosing to be goes out the window here. There is a big question then for God as to why there is such a difference from what we have come to call the norm. Here's another difference I don't hear people focus on, its when animals or people are Albino.

From searching on my pc i got the following: Albinism is a genetic condition where people are born without the usual pigment (color) in their bodies. Their bodies aren't able to make a normal amount of melanin, the chemical that is responsible for eye, skin, and hair color. So most people with albinism have very pale skin, hair, and eyes. Leucism then is where for the most part one is albino but there is some color like to the eyes and in animals can be the eyes, beaks, feet for example. It is called a genetic condition. Since humans have no control over when they go through puberty or how they develop, as in larger or smaller breasts, genitals, and how their bodies begin to react toward a particular sex, my mind tells me this is also a genetic condition. Just because it is different from the norm does not mean it is a disorder. If you can research it yourself and decide to change your views based on this info, then perhaps you would do well in the job and should go for it.

Please do your own research, looking for gay traits in male sheep. Shepherds are more closely familiar with all their sheep since they protect them...at least in the past. So most examples are on sheep and goats but it occurs in all animals. Because of farmers having known this for eons, current day farmers will look for gay traits. The animals that are attracted to the same sex, are not going to be good to use for breeding purposes to increase how many animals they have. Those are usually sold for meat as they have no other purpose.

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Is it normal to see something (a post etc.) about a tv show or something that doesn’t have any affect on your life what so ever and feel you chest and throat tighten for a second? I get this a lot when and I was just wondering if it’s normal or not? Is not always something online. Sometimes it just happens randomly. Sometimes it’s sudden but sometimes I can feel it coming and recently I was at a party and the music was loud and everyone was talking and I got really overwhelmed and I could feel it starting to happen so I sat down and tried to focus on breathing but then people kept talking to me and popping balloons and it was like zoned out but more extreme. I was faintly aware of what has happening around me but I couldn’t get myself to snap back to reality and then suddenly I couldn’t breathe at all. The only way I can get out of it when it’s that bad is by counting patters and stuff. I’m a teenager and I know a lot of people say they have anxiety and depression and stuff so I was wondering if it’s normal or if I actually have anxiety or something.

Lets say I am watching a movie and to me it is a tear jerker, I will feel my throat tighten, but I also feel my eyes well up and tears start running and maybe even my nose gets runny if I cry too long. Why do most people react in any emotional way that applies to the movie, or what they read or saw in person? Because of our subconscious mind. The Sb Mind, witnesses and experiences everything your conscience awake mind is experiencing.Your conscious mind knows the story isn't true and those are just actors. But your sb mind acts as if it is you experiencing that movie or affected emotionally by watching it. This would be normal if the throat tightening isn't the only thing you felt but feeling like burning of holding back tears, even if you didn't cry, same thing.

If you only felt the the chest and throat tighten, but nothing else, then I can say I have never heard of a person reacting only in this way to anything, even movies that are scary, movies that make you angry, movies that make you sad and ones that make you happy or laugh. IF you felt only the tightening, instead of one of those four emotions, I can only say, that is not normal.
When you later said that at a party you felt overwhelmed by loud music and the talking, I immediately thought of Autism because that is one things that are descriptions of Autism, not being able to take more than one input at a time, more would fry your brain and make you zone out, or act out in any way that ways. Some who have severe Autism have been seen to band their head rythmicly on a wall, I am sure for a toddler, this would be their version of counting patterns, something measured they can focus on. Here is an article that describes people who get this later in teens instead of before age 3. It isn't Autism but another disorder if I understand correctly. So I would go see a mental health Dr to figure out for sure what it is and how you can be cured.

https://www.verywellhealth.com/what-is-regressive-or-late-onset-autism-260552

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Recently a new girl moved to our school. I became friends with her, and she seemed really nice. My sister is friends with her sister, and one day the new girl's sister caught the new girl talking bad about my sister behind her back. My sister wants me to stop talking to her, but I don't want to create conflict. If I create conflict, my friends might stop talking to me. What should I do?

what you didn't say is how your sister heard this. My guess is she knows the sister of the new girl, maybe is even friends with her, but the sister told your sister what her older sister said.
People do tend to say things behind peoples backs. I remember that from HS. I was the oldest, a SR. my sister a Soph. and she was friends with two girls I'll name Terri and Jessie. Jessie was a Jr. One day they both came to our house to see my sister and when they left, my sister told me that Jessie had said she hated my guts. Funny thing is, though I'd seen her at school, I had never spoken to her or interacted in any way so there is no way she could really know if she liked me or not. Hating a person is a pretty strong emotion, so that or anything lesser said about your sister is just most likely, inappropriate words. When people are young and still in School, we haven't matured much yet and in expression ourselves can use words that do not really fit the situation.
What I know from my experience and have seen it through adulthood, is that there will always be people you meet, or if you haven't, just in observing them on a frequent basis, maybe its another person who goes to the same coffee shop the times you do, and just from observing a persons behavior, you can pick up some things about them that you know you would not like or maybe not tolerate in someone who is a friend. The thing is, most the time, the person one can't stand is not that well known in the first place and the person making a judgement doesn't really know the person enough to make such a strong statement and is only reacting to one or two things they see. I am 60 and even I find I meet people, like at a Starbucks coffee and eventually just being friendly and saying hello, lead to her talking to hubby and I more. I can list off three things about her that irritate me. But I had nothing to balance things out, things that I might liike about her until more recently, she has paid attention to things I like or have interest in and have shared or pointed out or sent me pics in Facebook she knew I'd appreciate. No, she could never make a real close, best friend, but there is enough about her that shows me she is a caring person even with her quirks. The trouble is when young we don't understand that. And I'll bet in 10 or more years, this new friend of yours won't feel the same about your sister because she grew up and matured. I don't understand why the sister felt it important to pass on news that would be hurtful to your sister. I guess the ugly, nasty, bad stuff still catches peoples interest more than good ones.
I did not feel bad about hearing that girl hated me. I knew it was the wrong description and that she likely didn't like something about my personality. That is all it was and usually is for everyone who hears such things said about them or say it about others. I didn't ask my sister to stop associating with them because other than that one issue, they seemed to be decent teens. Now if they were into drugs or petty theft, I'd have warned my sister away and if she didn't stop,, tell the parents because I cared about sis. You haven't shared that there is anything bad like that about the new girl, just that she doesn't like your sisters personality. I don't know how long you've known New girl, but in life when making new friends, even in dating, we tend to want to impress and be our best, especially so if the new person in a school and subsconsciously a person like this Newbie will put their best foot forward, avoid any negative behavior that is true to them,show you what they think the kids at your school would like. After a while, the person pretending to be someone they are,'t just to make a friend or get a date to fall for them, will stop and switch back to their real selves which may not resemble who you thought them to be. It takes too much energy to keep up a false persona too long so I am just giving you this info as a warning in case after a few more weeks or about 2 months or so, she begins to show a person who is very negative or a wild one who goes against all the rules, gets in trouble, is mean to many, maybe even a bully, etc... If she does become the type of kid your mother wouldn't want you associating with, then that should be the reason you stop talking to or spending time with her. She was thoughtless as was her sister in passing on hurtful stuff to your sister, but that does not mean you should stop talking to her. Just know that until she matures, your sister isn't the only one she'll say stuff about that isn't all that nice and even you as a friend may find her saying things about you to other friends when you are not around. You wouldn't let that stop you from being friends with her, right? You just will know that she can't be trusted to be a close friend because a true close friend would not treat their friends like this. So watch closely and decide for yourself whether months from now, this new gal is still someone you want to be friends with. If not, you tell her that you feel you don't have enough in common to be friends with her so you won't be hanging out with her. Then you choose to not go out of your way to see or talk to her. If you pass her in a hall or on the sidewalk, it would be childish to pretend you didn't see her and ignore her. All you have to do is look at her, connect eyes and say Hi but keep going. You acknowledge she exists but the fact that you aren't friends won't have changed.

So have a talk with your sister. Show her my answer. You care enough about her feelings or you would not have written me. If talking behind a back and its not nice, and that is the only offense, it is not time to break off contact with the Newbie yet. For your sister, I know she hurts but it is only because she knows about this one thing said by one person. If each of us could know what 'unflattering' things are said in private when we are not around on a daily, weekly or monthly basis and by how many people these things are being said, then a person who finds their worth in the adoration of other people will crumble up and want to go crawling into a dark place to hide and never come out for the rest of their lives. I know people must talk about me plenty and I d on't know what they say but I can just imagine. I have caught people staring at me right after I have laughed aloud at something someone said when out in public. I love to laugh and enjoy making others laugh. When I get the stare, I realize I got their attention not because I laughed but due to something else, maybe I was louder than most the people nearby, or my laugh sounded strange to them. When a couple gets home they could easily be saying to each other, 'That lady at the restaurant tonight was obnoxiously loud, wasn't she? ' or "The lady at the park had such a strange sounding laugh, it was like finges on a chalkboard to me. Boy am I glad you don't laugh like her, Honey." Is that talking behind a persons back. Yes and no. We are talking about a person, often someone we barely know or don't know at all. I know this happens as I do it all the time, just between my Husband and I. He or I will comment something to each other and usually its because we are so grateful that neither of us is like something that irritates us about some other person. Just a few days ago, hubby was emotionally drained after helping an older woman who is homeless and friends with us as she went through car trouble and other stuff and truly she did need a friend to lean on and due to the subject matter, car trouble, my husband and a friend of his helped her as much as they could in many ways others than just looking at or working on the car. But something about how she repeats herself, tone of voice, how she kept having to feel she had ask what they were doing all the time, or telling them what to do when she knows even less than them about cars, etc...all of it is nothing like me, I am not drama Queen at all, his ex was, I can be quiet and content, his ex was always complaining and upset or riled up, and all it is, is realizing how grateful that our mates are just the way they are because they don't have the irritating traits of the other person. The other person may not be irritating to 90% of all humans, just the few. This is how it usually is. That is why in attraction for couples, a guy or gal is not going to feel attraction to every single gal/guy they see or meet, only a few. It works the same for who you enjoy or not for friends or even acquaintences. I am hoping your sister can change how she decides to believe about this situation. We either let others define us, or we decide to define ourselves. If we know what we are, who we are but someone else doesn't see that, so what, they are only 1 of the 10 percent who would never enjoy being a friend of yours anyways. They are the monority, not the majority when it comes to what people think of you and how many like you or at least admire from a distance. I wish it was that people when having a good or nice thought about some one, that they would speak up and tell the person right then. I wish it happened like this and all you or your sister ever hear is like tons of compliments from tons of people. Sadly, the world isn't that way, maybe your sister or you would like to do that and start a new trend? Even with adults much older than you, I still see hesitance to step out and do something different, something that is good. I saw a Mom with 4 kids with her grocery shopping. I had 3 and remember herding them inside and keeping them on good behavior. I watched how she had interacted with her children and when I left, she was already at her car, loading groceries. I had even said to my husband, "That lady reminds me of myself when I was out in public with all my kids. She's great at it." So I walked up and told her this flattering thing I was thinking about her. (see how we're taking the focus off of thinking of a negative trait of a person but looking for the good?) So I tapped her on the shoulder and told her how impressed I was with observing her with her children. I'll bet no one has ever said that to her before in all her years as a mother. Maybe a relative, maybe a friend but never a stranger. And from someone you don't know, someone who didn't have to say anything but did, in a way that has always meant more to me than compliments from family and friends with the exception of my 2nd husband, I love his compliments most of all. You could call this campaign to say nice about people to offset all the hurting a few do by talking behind peoples backs. Your sister knows how it feels, you understand and care because you love your sister but still want to keep the gal as a friend. Often in life, when we experience something bad, ugly, scary, terrible, we can either choose to feel like a victim which means our life was affected in a bad way by someone. A pedestrain hit by a car and crippled for life is a victim of an accident that changed their life in a bad way. Or we can choose to be a survivor and even more...an overcomer. When someone has 'survived' something bad, even if a small thing like someone saying bad stuff about you, you are called a survivor if you did not let the information you got, change and impact your life. I chose that with the story I told of the girl who hated me. I was surviving this. I became then an overcomer, not just unaffected internally but it, but realizing The best thing to combat bad is good, to combat the dark, the light, to combat unkind words, uplifting words. Just maybe, your sister experienced this so she could know how bad it can feel to hear this, but your stopping seeing the girl who said unkind things of your sister, is not going to change how she feels. What she is looking for is the right reaction to it all and is doing what even I used to think, only way one, how everyone would answer, that you stop seeing the girl. Only your sister can decide to believe or not believe that you seeing the girl means you don't like your sister anymore. It is not you who made her feel that, She decided how she would feel. We have to own our feelings and cant blame anyone outside of us. Our experiences will shape how we feel about certain things, and everyone is entitled to their own opinion. But opinions will vary simply because we are all different, not carbon copies of each other. So maybe this is meant to spark an interest in your sister, even you too, to start something new, saying kind things to people. You've heard of 'Paying it Forward,' where someone does a kind thing for you and instead of paying them back by doing the same to them, you are supposed to do the same thing that was done for you, to someone else you don't know. In that situation, it's not waiting for someone to focus on you to do their paying it forward deed on, someone has to start it first, and you could do it, start it by paying compliments, what you truly feel, to people. If you can't think of anything you like about a person, don't say anything nice to them because it wouldn't be true. People pick up the silent signals, not the words said. Like a radio picks up energy waves, people pick up on vibrations or energy coming from a person and something said can feel insincere if what they are picking up on is that you don't really mean the nice thing you said. Call it Don't Deflate, Elevate. Deflate is for the bad practice of saying unflattering unkind, confidence destroying words about someone, or simply passing on the info to the victim. The 'Elevate' stands for choosing to say things to people that will build them up, make them feel better about themselves, basically feeling up, and elevate is about raising up something, and that something which is being raised up, is peoples self confidence and view of themselves. We feel good when people notice our good points, traits.

I hope my words have stirred your sister into action, wanting to raise up the feelings of others who may have heard, like she once heard, something bad said behind their backs. She could be responsible for saving the quality of others lives by showing them that not all people will see them in a bad way. Thats only a very few people. Most strangers are even more tolerant and okay with a wide variety of personalities. It is only a few, and I can state this from experience, that only a few people are stand offish, avoid me, or reprimand me for whatever irked them. And those few don't matter. I want to focus on, and suggest your sister also focus on how many people like her and have said so in the past or done special things for her because they like her. That number will always be greater than the number of people who dislike her. In my experiences, that is always how it turns out to be.
If either of you feel the need to share any further on the subject, I would be happy to help.

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I just had my world rocked…
During a 2-hour car ride to visit our parents in another city, my much younger sister told me that she feels she has depression and anxiety. This has affected her in all areas of her life. Up to this point, everyone thought she was going to start her 4th year of university but it turns out she has only completed 1.5 courses during this entire time. She feels lost in life, and its really saddens me to know that she has been hiding this all these years… and dealing with it all by herself..
My first instinct is to encourage her to get professional help (a real doctor’s diagnosis).
Eventually, telling this to her traditional Asian parents is going to be a challenge.
Restarting school in a manageable way for her is also going to take some planning.

Looking for advice on how I can support her through this and help her get back on track.

My oldest told me after the fact, that she suffered depression while in HS, this revealed as things blew out of proportion after the birth of her 1st baby. I felt robbed that she hadn't let on and there were no signs as I was looking for that and lots else, like drinking drug abuse. Everything seemed on the level. So as you know, sometimes its easy to hide.

I had social anxiety when in school and HS. My last year I knew I had to get over it or it would affect my adult life in bad ways. Her body is the vehicle that will get her through life and it cant do a good job of it if it has anxiety and depression. The same goes for expecting a car to get you to your destination but you never once refill all the needed fluids, oil, check for leaks, never get the brakes down and ignore any noises or squeals from under the hood. Most likely it will let you down and breakdown. So your sister will continue to have many disappointments until she decides she needs to change her life around.
About depression: the good news is that 90% of people do not have clinical depression and do not need medicine for it but can be cured simply by going after the thoughts that are creating it. Yes, in most cases, people suffer silently because the biggest complaint they have heard is that everyone hates the side effects of the drugs to control depression. Of the few that need meds, they have no choice. But the majority can be healed if dealing with how their mind thinks, their cognitive effects which only some Psychologists have studied and understand, even though CBT (Cognitive Behavioral Therapy has been around for several decades. I am going to give a link to a website of Dr. David D. Burns, a psychologist who after learning of this method, first ignoring it as crazy, then after cajoling from his peers, tried it on his most difficult cases and those people were all cured, fairly quickly and without drugs. No depression, no anxieties. There are books listed on the website. Your sister might enjoy reading them if for nothing more than it giving her hope, that she too can be cured, even if she finds she has little success doing it herself by following the books.

here it is: https://feelinggood.com/books/

I once read 'Feeling Good, the NEw Mood Therapy' because I had family members with depression, but other than a short situational depression when something terrible happened, I have never experienced the long on going one. My favorite is "When Anxiety Attacks" which I can relate to with my previous but cured from anxiety. This one is good for phobias, OCD as well as others and I loved the stories of the types of fears people had and how the Dr. worked specifically with each person for their unique fears. Some may be able to be checked out at your local library. I found one of the books at mine. The others may have to be ordered at your local bookstore if they don't carry it but it can be ordered. She is going to fail at most of what she tries until she is cured. So her first priority should not be muddling through school and finding a way to barely squeek by and pass, or go longer until she can graduate. It would be a waste of time doing so in her condition. I know plenty of people live their lives hiding depression and such but if we look close enough, we will see things that just aren't going well in their lives. So instead of worrying about what to do about school, the focus should be finding the right Dr. Even today, CBT though talked about and known in mental health circles, it still is not emphasized much when compared to medicine prescriptions due to pharmaceuticals giving a kick back to Drs who prescribe their products. It's sad but true.
I don't know how much Ethnic origins of the parents matter, unless they tend to want to save face and appear ok to public but in private all they deem to be outside of the circle of what is normal, is hidden away like junk in a closet. Depression can get so bad and people thinking theyare such a failure that some commit suicide. How would the parents feel then? If they have enough heart to care more that their attitude meant the daughter didn't dare come to them and let them know so they could help her get help, then they will live with guilt forever. Or if they care more about shame brought on the family, by having a daughter with these struggles, then rather than guessing how they might react, it may be better to just go get help anyway she can. If she is in school still, she can talk to the school counselor, mention her situation, being alone other than you , to deal with this and wanting help, perhaps there are clinics low cost Dr.s or insurance she qualifies for as a student. If the parents have medical insurance, as long as the child is still in college, they should qualify to be on the parents insurance. I know this from a person who does taxes and this is something people could claim on their long form, an adult child on their insurance. She can see a Dr. and ask them to keep it private, even if on her parents insurance. If she wants you to know, then due to the privacy act, she can let the Drs know if its okay for you to have access to her info. or keep it totally quiet. So as her sis, reading stuff on the website of Dr. Burns may give you insight as to how support her going through this. She won't feel like going for help and may be more likely to go if you said you'd go with so she's not alone. Start exploring the site, show it to her, if she hates reading read a book or two to her. Find the comments section on the website of people cured, some after living a lifetime with their depression or anxiety or other, and being cured in their fifties. If she has to stop school and focus only on Dr. visits and maybe work part time, the most important thing she can do is really apply herself to whatever homework he Dr. has for her. She has nothing to be ashamed of as a great majority of people suffer some kind of anxiety, or other disorder that could go away with working on the patients thought process. thoughts affect emotions which affect behavior. It is time to do something now so she can start enjoying her life.

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Last year I got out of a super narcissistically abusive relationship, It was one of the hardest things I have ever been through and I told myself I wouldn’t date for a while. During my healing process I met someone else who’s been super good to me. I opened up about my past traumas and he was beyond understanding and patient with me, he made It clear that he liked me, but I told him I wanted to take It slow and get to know him more before we got into a relationship. He was understanding and still took me on nice get aways, showed up on my doorstep with flowers and cute notes, took me on cute dates, and complimented tf outta me. He did everything my ex didn’t do. Finally after a while, I agreed to be his girlfriend everything has been great except for the fact that he has a TON of female friends, all of them are very attractive and he talks to them on a daily basis. My feelings are starting to progress for him and I can’t help but be uncomfortable with it. Some of these friends are in relationships, others are single, a lot of them are bartenders that he met when he was single. I’ve met a vast majority of his female friends, but some of them give me a vibe that they wouldn’t care if he’s in a relationship. Everytime I get on Instagram he’s liking other women’s photos. I’ve cried to him about how uncomfortable this makes me, he tells me he understands and i have nothing to worry about. He even deleted his Instagram app, but downloaded It again 4 days later and is back to liking every girls photo again. I have been cheated on in my past and I can’t help but feel like it’s gonna happen again. Besides him being super friendly with other women he’s perfect to me and I’m confused about It. I’m trying to convince myself that these women really are just friends, but my gut is telling me otherwise especially when these women talk to him as much as I do. Everytime we go out to eat he’s requesting female waiters that he knows to serve us, literally every restaurant we go to it’s like this. My family has met him and they’re in love with him every time I talk to them about this they tell me “I don’t think he’s gonna cheat on you” but I can’t help but have my guard up. I care about him so much and i don’t want to lose him I’m just at a loss at what to do, I’ve already talked about It and I feel crazy every time I do. Am I just being insecure? Am I letting what I have been through in my past control me too much? Should I be okay with all these female friends or is this feeling of jealousy normal? Can a straight man really be JUST friends with that many females and not want more? HELP

Indeed your past is affecting you. My ex husband was verbally abusive and not even loving and understanding etc. So when I divorced, like you, I had two choices, to let my past experience scare me off any new relationship because I don't trust myself to see the warning signs early on, the first couple dates, or months, OR...I could really give it some thought, and figure out what warning signs I had but ignored and look for those in a new guy and also decide exactly what I want in a new partner, with lists I wrote and kept for myself to keep reminding myself what I was looking for, the criteria that I specifically needed. I was extremely picky and I want you to know that in the case of a life partner, it is okay to be picky.

Your guy sounds very mature and understanding. In having lots of friends of the opposite sex, He sounds like my second husband and like myself. I will explain. Starting with me, although I had just female friends in HS, once I grew a bit more self assured and found I made friends more easily and enjoyed more talking to males. After church service, I got tired of the birthing stories or details of latest chick flicks and instead found I was happier having conversation with all their husbands. After my divorce, I decided to be smart, learn from my mistakes, after all, I got to see some of the worst traits a BF or husband could have and after many years of witnessing them, I know I could pick out the early warning signs. I'll get to that in a bit.
Now as for my second husband, some of the very things that I adore about him are part of who he is. He is not going to be selective and treat only me this way but all females, sister, Mom, (though she's passed on now) and sisters of his boyhood friends, and females in our lives now as whomever we meet, neighbors, store clerks, you name it. The only place where how he treats females is not transferred, is who it is he wants to make love with. He is perfectly content with me, ecstatic in fact and last night, he was thanking me all over again for choosing him and loving him and putting up with any quirks he has (everyone has some) This one compliments me and other females like there is no tomorrow although I do indeed get the majority of it and as you put it, compliments TF out of me.

Realie that this is how he is, a part of his personality and that you really can't pick it apart and take what you are comfortable with and toss the stuff that makes you uncomfortable due to past experiences.
If you continue to doubt him and believe that he might cheat on you, a man told me that even if a guy is doing everything right, giving his lady the top priority and as much attention as she needs, does special things for her, and still looks at her with desire and wanting to peek down her shirt, no matter how much time has passed, a lady who doubts all those good points which are what a good man is, will kill the relationship by never coming to a point of trusting. Trust takes time but you can gain trust of him by comparing what and who he says he is to how consistent he is in those things. For example, my ex called me names and yelled and directed his temper at me, so I knew I wanted a patient man who would never do those things. Did I doubt him right at the beginning when it seemed he was too good to be true? No. But I was wisely watching to see if he remembered all the things he knew I would not tolerate from him. There was only one time he did something, it wasn't bad, just that I didn't like PDA's beyond a certain point and it upset me. When I cried as I tried to tell him what was bothering me, and I couldn't hold it against him as this was one thing I hadn't thought to tell me before hand, he first felt horrible and really concerned to think he was the one who put tears on my face. I explained and he has never once repeated that action, ever. If I told a guy what I expected, and the first sign I saw of something that was the same early warning I got with my ex, I dropped the guy I was checking out or dating. It just so happens I have the perfect example of before I met my husband. I went on 3 dates, meeting a guy in public. Everything was going great so when he said he wanted to cook a dinner for me and invited me to his home for the first time, I went. You can learn things from ones home better than in public as there are things that can be hidden at home. I walk in and he immediately apologized for him house looking a disaster. The place was spotless and yet he thought it was messy?! That alone scared me as it sounded like a perfectionist. The ex was somewhat like this, not on himself but expecting something from others and no matter how closely you followed what he wanted, he always told you that it was done wrong. So seeing this already worried me. The next words out of his mouth sealed it for me, I was dropping him because he raised his voice and complained about his maid, a hispanic woman he said and called her all sort of racial slurs. So here was the warning that nothing could satisfy him, that he goes around easily complaining and back stabbing people who haven't even done anything worthy of that treatment. And that was the warning that although he wasn't directing the hateful words at me, it would just be a matter of time. Whatever behavior you see in a person, is not a one time thing that never repeats, it is like a vase with a crack and the old smelly yucky water inside is just waiting for a chance to come out so the few drops you see of smelly water leaking out a crack in the vase, like a crack or chink in the suit of armor your prince is wearing, you can expect there will always be more where that came from. Since I didn't have to deal with him, not married or even dating exclusively, I stayed and ate dinner and after said I had a migraine and had to go home. A few days later he called and knowing he had a temper and could be vindictive, I simply told him that I had given it a good try but I simply still never felt real chemistry with him. Using the word chemistry works well for an excuse.

So now you see how I used what I had learned and instead of fearing it happening again, I watched and when I saw it, dropped the guy and went on to meet others. I had 3 or 4 guys who turned out to be bad news. The rest, I didn't feel chemistry with once I met or they didn't feel it with me.

My husband is from a southern state and he is used to calling every female M'am or my Lady. But don't just trust a man because he is saying the right thing. Does he consistently say and do the right things or does he eventually get angry, mean, etc. blowup and then cool off again and go back to pretending he is something he isn't. All people put their best foot forwared when trying to impress someone they meet. We all watch ourselves but many will take on a persona that isn't really them. However this doesn't last forever, so after several meetings or up to a couple months, they run out of the personal energy to keep it up. And especially if they feel you are already hooked, and your heart invested, they will then let down the false facade and allow their bad points to begin to show as in how one guy did that with me on 4th date. there was nothing bad to see on the first three. Some hold out longer but the more often you see them, the faster they will get to their breaking point and mess up.

So this isn't about your BF but about you not trusting and feeling jealous that he likes pics of female friends on social media, or in phone calls. Jealousy boils down to being a fear of loss, wether rational or not. You could fear being let go since the employer is struggling and has to cut down workforce, you can fear the one you are into, not even if they are dating you or even married to you, but females have feared possibly losing their chance with a guy they are crushing on but have never approached, and have this fear because other females who are not as shy are actively trying to interest the guy. that is what jealousy is.
So yes, you feel jealous.

Now it also depends a lot on the situation. If his idea of having a fun time is going to bars and getting drunk or even just drinking a good amount, then there is a problem because alcohol takes away inhibitions and makes a person willing to do something they would never dream of doing and that can be that they would never dream of cheating on their GF but if out with friends and drunk and some chick comes on to him, he just may crumble and do it, maybe remember, maybe not. If he doesnt tend to go drinking and is not into drugs that also alter your personality and convictions, then this is all a good sign. Adviceman told you he has looked but never touched another woman. My husband knew women before me including his ex wife. But since meeting me, theres been no one else. So yes, it is possible for a man to look at other women, and I know you didn't mention this in particular but it goes with the package. Men are visually stimulated and if hetero sexual, they will tend to look at any female who is a pleasant view, just as I would take time to gaze at a scenic vista or at the few men whose looks catch my eye. If a man is never looking at females, then he might be gay which isn't bad thing in itself but is if you are female and in a relationship. You say it goes beyond just looks, as in actively liking posts, and talking to some of his female friends. If you felt nothing for a guy who kept trying to get you to date him, would you encourage the guy by simply feeling bad and going out on one date? If your guy is not feeling any chemistry with these gals, it doesn't matter if any of them feel something in return, they will know that he is not turned on by them. Really, the only difference when it comes to friends, is just a friend is friendship only. A couple in relationship together have friendship plus something more, the desire, the sexual attraction. So if a female friend is having a difficult time and needs some positive input, she will call on the person who does it best for her, and if that female has mostly male friends or even an equal amount of male and female friends, she may want to hear some logic, which women can do but not many of them really get it. When I want logic, I would prefer talking to a male. A female neighbor had her clothesline laying across her back porch and on the ground when we walked over. He asked if she'd like help putting it back up. He sees a need and fills it because in truth, there are many females without a male they can turn to for help. However, no matter how much time is invested in talking to them, complimenting, building them up again, helping with something, as long as you are not getting enough attention and one on one with him then nothing is out of balance and you have nothing to worry about. You mentioned the bad relationship as last year. this makes me think you have met the new guy sometime since January. If so, it is a short enough time you may not have built up trust in him yet. So start looking for how consistent he is. With my husband, no matter what, even if as recently I did something that cost us money we don't have, etc... he never yells or belittles me, makes no demands, doesn't act superior. So right now, start watching your guy to see how consistent he is. If he is younger, there may simply be a few things he hasn't learned yet that are important in a relationship. It is a very good thing that you have talked to him. Its not so much that he has gone against you when with female friends on social sites, but that he knew deep down there was nothing for you to worry about, and he reassured you but was also not going to allow anyone, even his partner to dictate whom his friends are. He will not stop interacting as a friend with his friends, and if you won't change yourself if he is truly a good man, then over time, demanding he not talk to and drop his female friends, can be one thing that drives a wedge in your relationship. Too many of these, and he may realize he is making too many changes because of your suspicions due to your own past and want out of the relationship. Women have great intuition, let yours be just as reasonable and you will know when something is okay or when something is fishy. I wish you the best and if you need to chat about anything at all you are concerned about in particular, I'd be glad to hear from you.

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I'm not sure if anyone will be able to answer this but something happened yesterday. So, I(F/15) was talking to my friend about him liking my other friend and eventually he brought up the past with questions that made me uncomfortable. Soon after, I start crying, but then it escalated as I put thoughts into my head from the present. I started to cry uncontrollably and it, again, escalated. I began to get angry with myself for not being able to stop crying and started hitting my head with my hands, scratching myself, and digging my nails into my skin. It scared and confused me beyond belief so much that I forced myself to tell someone. After 5 attempts to reach 5 different people without being successful, I finally called my mom and told her what was happening. She eventually was able to calm me down. The crying and everything lasted for more than 30 minutes. I would occasionally whimper and move my leg left and right without talking, mainly mumbling as if I 'forgot' how to talk, although I knew I could. Me, my mother, and my father don't know what triggered it or what it even was. That was the first it's ever happened. So I need help on figuring out what it is if I don't go see a doctor if it happens again.

I am not a mental health Dr. But I have some family with mental health issues and as a teen I had severe social anxiety but back then,, anxieties weren't recognized and I was called shy. So I have read a few books on the topic, and by the way, I am cured now.
When I mention mental health, I am not saying you have a mental illness. A great majority of people will throughout life have negative and worse distorted thoughts come to mind. The difference is that most people dismiss the thoughts and tell themselves that what is feared won't happen, or that it is no reason to get worried. See, the mind and what we say or do because of our thoughts is very closely connected. So a person who tends to dwell on any bad thoughts, embarassments, worries and fears, etc. will only feel worse as they continue to entertain in detail bad thoughts. I can say I will have a negative thought at times and catch myself imagining a whole scenerio that is scary. Like seeing a car turned over along highway and that's all it takes for me to wonder what it felt like to be in a car being flipped. Then it progresses to wondering if I got hurt or even would survive and that is enough to get my emotions to kick in. It works the same watching a movie you know is a made up story and actors but you are emotionally pulled in and when something is sad you cry, or when a character is horribly mean to someone, YOu feel like its happening to you and you get angry, to the point adrenalline is pounding.

You are a very intelligent gal as I see by what you wrote and how you explained.
So I am going through what you said and compare with what I know. "He brought up the past with questions that made me uncomfortable."

I'd have to guess that this is where it started. Your brain had thoughts about how you did not want to talk about or reveal things from the past and that is what caused the immediate feeling of uncomfortable. This means lack of comfort started it but I am guessing changed to embarrassment once the crying started. You intuitively knew you had to change something, distract your mind and this is where as you said 'I put thoughts into my head from the present'. While you did need to put different thoughts into your head, I don't know what they were because you said they made you worse so you know now that whatever thoughts you dwelled on to stop crying, it didn't work. Not because overriding negative distorted thoughts doesn't work but because whatever thoughts you were thinking of now, made it worse. When you found you could not stop the tears, you got upset with yourself and probably even more embarrassed whether anyone witnessed it or not. I know I would have been embarrassed even if no one saw but just worry that someone might come along and see this. I am a person who likes to be in control and if you are the same, then I can see you getting mad at yourself. The hitting of your head and scratching etc. was no longer embarrassment but pure panic as you had no control over your crying and it kept going. I know it would freak me out if I was crying a half hour straight.

What I do not know is about 5 attempts to reach people to help. If you simply called friends to have someone to talk to, they would not have been able to figure it out any better than you. Mom was able to finally calm you down but I assume that either her voice or if you were back home, that family and home is where you feel more secure and protected and able to be yourself, so it was naturally easier for you to calm down.

I shared the above issues of ditorted thoughts as that is the most common reason for a person to have such a reaction. However, having a reaction like that if you truly had that issue, it would have happened before. It doesn't happen once and never again. You would have seem a gradual change in your thoughts over the time prior to this if I compare to people I know of, but then again, I am not a doctor and wouldn't know if such a thing can come on suddenly.

However, there is one more thing I will mention since you are a teen girl of 15. And this has to do with hormones. The hormones that are released at puberty do more than change how your body looks, but they can affect a girls emotions. I went through this, so did all my daughters. When it's a normal emotional affect, you react with irritation, impatience, a little anger to something that makes you mad or you tend to get sad or cry for no apparent reason, sobbing at anything and every thing. I was the more crying type but some never cry and become irritated. The problem is that there is too much of female hormones in your body. We tend to pick up plenty just from contact and use of plastics that contain an actual immitation female hormone which we then absorb slowly into our bodies. Hang with me, as this is all important . . . Some due to their lifestyle, have less contact with foods contained in certain plastic bottles, plastic wraps and so on. So long before puberty, there can be a good amount of these hormones already present from your environment. Then when your own hormones are created, that adds to the number and when it is really high, the too high status of hormones affects teen girls like an extreme emotion, so instead of just feeling angry, a gal becomes vindictive, irate, destructive, etc. and her whole personality can change. The changes can be sudden, come out of nowhere and there is no good reason for reacting that way. On the other side, the sadness and crying leads to depression and suicide. What can be done? See your Dr. and ask him to check your hormones levels to either confirm or rule this out. If they are high, there is something they can give you to help. If they are normal, then you are back to checking into the thoughts angle.
Even if puberty started a while ago like 12 or whatever, this doesn't go away quick if hormonal and can last most your teen years except maybe 18,19. I had three girls. When the oldest got hormonal, she would try to pick fights with me or her sisters. when its the anger/irritation thing, females tend to pick out those females closest to her, not males at all. When the middle daughter began puberty, it meant I had two at a time and both were always fighting until I explained that was going on, they weren't to the destructive mean level so just knowing it was normal and to give themselves time outs to calm down worked well. My oldest outgrew it but then the youngest was going through it and both her and the middle sister fought.

I am guessing but it could be that the crying if fueled by your hormones, was something you could not control. Not knowing this is normal teen girl stuff and that you don't have to feel embarrassed may have helped you to lose it and in a frantic try for some control and normalcy, you refocused your thoughts to something that made it got worse, and lastly got angry with yourself and began to be vicious to yourself, not to someone else.

I could be totally wrong here. However if mostly hormonal, and at normal levels of hormones, You can probably expect more of the same, not all the time but episodes where you lose control, can cry over no reason at all. I had extra hormones again after giving birth and recall reading a sad story that would make anyone shed a few tears, only mine went on and on, thought the day and when hubby got home that evening, I was still crying on and off any time my thoughts went back to the story I read earlier. I did not know back then to avoid thinking of whatever caused me to start crying so much more than what is normal.
I am glad you wanted to check this out and not ignore it. Going to the Dr. for a check up on your hormonal levels is a good start.
If it is not hormonal and a combo of both issues or only your emotions reacting to your thought life in negative ways, and if it repeats often enough, then you need to learn how to stop doing the thought process that sets you off. Once you have learned this, you will be as normal as the majority of us. The bad news, is that it is hard to cure oneself of a thought process related problem. You need a professional and the ones who can help are psychologists trained in CBT which stands for Cognitive Behavioral Therapy. Cognitive is just a fancy word for your thoughts. This is a knowledge that has been around probably 50 years if not close to fifty but it is not standard training for psychologists. Also, they main issue is to first try everything to help cure you without medicine and about 90% of people have been found to not need meds. So if you have insurance, the process is to see your general practiioner to get a referral. But don't let them choose, call the insurance first and ask if they cover any psychologists in your area. With that list of names, get as many as you can because not all will have the initials CBT in their ad. Then call each one, find one who is trained in CBT. and that is the name you will give to your Dr along with a contact number and fax so he/she can make a referal to the Dr you gave them the name of. I hope it doesn't happen again for you but everything I shared is all that I know of. You can try to not react to a fear of what others think of you or dwelling on negative distorted thoughts. It doesn't work well but I know you will want to try so every time you have a distorted thought, you start talking to yourself, internally or spoken aloud if alone. You will actually be talking to your subconscious mind who is always in the background taking things in. Unfortunately, the subconscious mind (SM ) thinks that what you focus on the most, is actually something important to you so it will do whatever it can to help whatever is on your mind to happen. So thinking about it happening again, is enough for your SM to actually help it to happen again. A good example is a girl broken up about her BF dumping her and every time she thinks of him, she feels worse or cries. Happened to one daughter who got so depressed she went to her one free visit with a psychologist that her job would cover. The Dr. told her the same things I told her for treating depression and she could hardly contain the surprise and told me that I was right and everything I told her, the Dr. had told her too.
So I don't take this stuff lightly and try to diagnose, but only share what things as examples that I have come across. ANd what things help in these situations. I got over my social anxiety doing the very thing mentioned in a book by a psychologist, and it took facing my fears and realiing that in my case, I was do something in psychology that is termed fortune telling, or predictions, where I imagine exactly how something will go, and it usually involved how others would react to any little thing I did. I couldn't go use the pencil sharpener in grade school at the front of the class for fear that everyone would be staring at my back because I got up to go to the front. Even if brief, the thought of that many eyes on me, freaked me out and actually froze me up. So its not so much as taking a leap of faith and facing that which makes you worry, but because of a fear, you don't know until you try going through the situation that scares you, that you learn over and over that nothing bad will happen. Most people are understanding but also curious. So what you are doing instead here, I would call a leap of fear. You decide to take that leap and face whatever scares you or disturbs your calm, and you are fearful and panicked when you start but at the end when you have been successful, there is relief and peace and I was smiling and proud of myself. So if losing control of yourself in a social setting is the only thing that really sets you off, the next time, don't try to hide or stop whatever is going out of control. We as humans will always have those times in life where things are out of our control. Just you realizing it is okay and nothing to be embarrassed about, someone seeing you when not at your best is something that will happen sometimes. What I quickly say to whomever I am with, still to this day, is something drawing attention to what I am going through, rather than try to hide it or stop it. If I drop something and spill and make a mess in public, well darn but that happens and nothing to be worried or embarrassed over as I was as a teen. I will simply look at whomever was closest and say, "Oops, I guess I am butter fingered today. I hope nothing splashed onto you." I have never had some one start yelling what an idiot I was, how clumsy etc. as I used to imagine. I get instead words like, "No biggie, its happens to me too." "Nope you did't get me. Did anything splash on you?" Even if a bunch of little things going wrong means i need the emotional release of a good cry and I cry when husband isn't crying. I make sure to not hide it from him and in case he is concerned that he unknowingly did something to cause it, I let him know, "Sorry, kind of weepy right now. Its all the little stuff going wrong that finally got to me. Just need to cry to let off pressure." That way he knows its nothing big and can feel more comfortable to just hold me til I am done. I hope all my sharing and examples have helped you. In the end, if this repeats and your attempts to change your thoughts so it gets better, doesn't work, you will have no choice but to see a mental health professional trained in CBT. If you forget what it is called, then think of the situation when checking out Dr. and ask if their treatment involves the process of how ones thoughts can affect their behavior and actions in a bad way and they will know what you are asking for.

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I recently came out to my parents as a lesbian and they didn't like it. Ever since then, they alienate me by telling me I should get a boyfriend and whenever I mention friends that are boys, they immediately make it about a relationship. Also, I do not feel comfortable in my own body. I hate how I look. I want my hair to be extremely short but I'm not allowed to cut it like that or else my parents are scared that I'll be seen as a "boy". Which I really don't mind. I hate my hair. I also can't be around friends without feeling sad or feeling like they hate me and stuff. It's weird. I want to get over that so badly, but no matter how hard I try, nothing works.

You didn't mention your age. If you are not yet 18, you are not legally considered an adult and since you still live under your parents roof, basically you have to go with what they dictate and any rules they set. Yes, even if a parent is wrong. I know its not fair. If you are 18 or over, you are an adult and can live the life you wish as a lesbian. However, sometimes in telling close friends, family and relatives, their reaction may not be positive. Right now, all I can think of is that you join a LGBT teen support group. I am putting a link to a list of support places by state. Distance might be a problem so you may need to stick with phone calls and on internet chats for help and suggestions.

https://www.lambdalegal.org/sites/default/files/publications/downloads/fs_resources-for-lgbtq-youth-by-state_1.pdf

As for friends and what you are imagining in your mind, I would dare say that comes from your parents reaction and assuming everyone else will act the same. That is not true. You may feel any friends and aquaintences whom you have previously kept this a secret from, see you as a false person due to not being able to wear your hair and clothes as you wish and feeling before that you couldn't tell them. I am guessing here, and it may not be true. You have to come to grips with being okay just as you are, gay and just starting to come out of the closet. YOu may make some friends with others in the same situation as you and also those who have gone this road before and can give pointers. I can not give the real practical stuff as I have no idea what it is like as I am not gay but accept all the different sexualities and styles of sex.

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