I live in Central Wisconsin. I am married and we have two daughters. In 1997 I earned my degree in psychology from the University of Wisconsin-Stevens Point. In my spare time I study psychology and philosophy.
Gender: Male
Location: Stevens Point, WI
Occupation: Phlebotomy Coordinator (Clinical Laboratory)
Age: 35
Member Since: October 19, 2005
Answers: 118
Last Update: January 24, 2010
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I am completely confused about what I am. In regards to religion. I know i am christian, but I know nothing about it. I have never read the bible..and I know that most of the stuff in it I don't truly believe. And does God look down upon me for choosing not to believe parts of the bible? (link)
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Go to: www.beliefnet.com
If you know nothing about Christianity, then you cannot call yourself a Christian. However, if you are familiar enough with Bible stories to know you don't believe most of them, then you cannot say you know NOTHING about Christianity. Perhaps you are confused about religion because you believe you must be SOME kind of Christian to avoid eternal damnation. That's what they want you to believe. Truth is, if you don't believe the stories in the bible, and if you don't know enough about Christianity to call yourself a Christian, then it doesn't make sense to worry about what some "god" may "think" about you. My advice is for you to use the internet to learn about different beliefs, and find one that suits you. An AWESOME site to try is www.beliefnet.com. Good luck to you, and be thankful you live in a country that protects religious freedom, including the freedom to reject religion altogether.
Dr. Chad
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I feel so depressed. I feel as if everyone in my life is moving on. I feel as tho I have no friends I spend my saturdays doing nothing, i feel as tho everyone hates me and Ive thought about sucide.
I have an incurable skin disease its so ugly and difiguring and the only cure for it is sunlight. I live in a cold place and my mum wont let me use tanning beds even tho thats the only cure.
I havnt got a boyfriend, and I dont trust anyone. I cant teell anyine about my skin disease. I feel so ugly and gross all the time. PLEASE HELP!!
What can I do?? (link)
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You need to get treatment for your psoriasis! See this website for information on psoriasis and how it is treated:
http://www.niams.nih.gov/hi/topics/psoriasis/psoriafs.htm
Your inflamed, scaly skin is damaging your self-image, which in turn is destroying your self-confidence and lowering your self-esteem.
If the psoriasis can't be treated effectively and you must live with it, then you should get counseling. As a teenager, you are in your most formative years, and how you learn to see yourself now can have a lasting impact in your life.
Dr. Chad
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Ok. I have a friend who is agnostic, and she says that she is happy. But I believe she would be happier. I want to introduce god to her, but I dont know how I can. It feels like part of the reason I came across advicenators for the first time, was to plase god by introducing my friend to him. I have heard it is nearly impossible to change someone, even if you know its a good change. Two of my brothers friends converted my brother. He used to be agnostic, but now he has his christian group of friends, he goes to a christian college, and he wants to work at a church this summer. I dont know how his friends converted him. I want to do the same. what should i do? (link)
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In all likelihood, your brother's friends didn't convert him--he changed on his own. What they might have done was expose him to a positive Christian environment, such as Christian youth gatherings.
If you want your friend to have the same opportunity, invite her along to a church-sponsored event. Don't try to get her to come to church quite yet. She'll be suspicious and defensive. If she meets people at a youth church gathering and makes friends, she may become interested on her own and eventually choose to follow God. That is the most you can do for her.
If she resists accompanying you to such a gathering, promise her you two will leave if she is uncomfortable. Make no attempt at any point to persuade her that religion will make her happier. Any attempt to convert her will be met with resentment and rejection. She has to find her own path.
Dr. Chad
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is there another thing for *69
thanks
michaele (link)
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Unless you have Caller ID, star 69 is the only way to call back a caller.
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Ever since i met my friend Sean* he has always been suicidal. At least twice a month he would say he wanted to kill himself, yet it would never happen. We'd always see him the next day. He was over emotional, the most over emotional guy I'd ever met.
We'd get in a fight once a week about something stupid, he'd insult his friends all the time but if you were to insult him he'd get this look on his face like he was going to hit you really hard.
We got in a big fight and i turned him into the guidance office at my school for planing to commit suicide to get him back for the fight and what he did to me. He knew it was me who told and went off on me for being a bad person. I didn't know what to say to him anymore, every reason i could think of why he shouldn't kill himself he had something to contradict it, he was hard headed and wouldnt listen to me easy. I dont know if you have ever had anyone tell you that they are going to commit suicide over and over again and put the stress on you to talk them out of it, but it is more stressful than anything i've ever experienced. And going through that once a month wasn't helping my already stressful life, now that you have the story, i'd like to ask you if you have any advice as to what to say to him to make him change his mind and want to live his life. I mean there are so many kids who have cancer, or they are disabled who would do anything to be a normal kid like him, yet he just wants to throw it all away. Guidance has no advice on what to say and either does my therapist. What can be done to prevent this?
Thanks if you can help!
*names have been changed (link)
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Your friend doesn't need to be convinced to live his life. He isn't suicidal at all. LISTEN:
"Sean" doesn't believe in himself. He doesn't think he is worthy of affection, or friendship, or respect. He lacks confidence, self-esteem, self-worth....you name it. His parents most likely withhold affection from him. They probably pay very little attention to him.
His threat of suicide is a means of compensating for these deficiencies. He needs the attention. He needs to hear you tell him that his life is worth living, that he makes a difference, that he has value, that people love him. He contradicts you so that you will list more reasons. He needs to hear them.
Since he thinks so little of himself, he perceives his friends as being better than himself, and he compensates by insulting them--taking them "down a few notches". That way he doesn't feel so inadequate around them. From this point of view it's easy to see why he is so deeply offended when one of his friends insults him.
However, his emotional problems are not your responsibility. You are weary of his demands upon your compassion. If you want him to stop threatening suicide, you need to turn the tables on him.
The next time you see him, tell him YOU are fed up with life and are thinking about committing suicide. He will believe you, because he believes everyone has a secret dark side just like he does. Be convincing. He will be upset and he will try and talk you out of it. CONTRADICT HIM. By God, be convincing. Make him argue the value of your life at some length. Don't give in. Let him wait until tomorrow to see if you're still alive. When he asks why you didn't do it, tell him you changed your mind for now. The next time he threatens to kill himself, tell him you also have changed your mind and are once again contemplating suicide. Get it?
Not only have you stopped playing his game, but now he's playing yours. And he will learn something from it, I assure you. Nothing is quite as earth-shattering as walking in someone else's shoes. The point of the exercise is to help him learn something that you can't teach him.
Dr. Chad
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My sister is my guardian and she told me last year that if my grades arent great then im going to a christian school..Now my grades havent been great and now i have to go but i realllllly dont want to.. so how can i convince her to let me stay in my school?.. this christian school is very small and has a really strict dress code! HELP ME!! ASAP! (link)
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There's nothing you can do now. You missed your chance. But don't blame your sister--she has your best interest at heart. She feels you need to learn discipline and Christian values. She gave you a chance to improve your grades, and you apparently chose not to take her seriously. This school will teach you the importance of self-discipline, so that the next time somebody gives you a chance, you'll know enough to take it. Fasten your seatbelt.
Dr. Chad
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When my husband and I were first married, he promised me that if we ever had children, he would get out of the army. Two children later, he still hasn't gotten out.
The army has ended up being his life. He loves his job and has informed me that he is never getting out. He feels like his country needs him. I think this is very selfish of him to break his promise to me. The children barely know who their own father is. I feel like a single mother.
While he was in Iraq the second time, I wrote him a letter telling him I couldn't take it anymore and I was filing for divorce. I told him when he got back that I did not mean what I had said and that I was just going through a hard time with the pregnancy. Now three months after the birth of our second child, he is going back to Iraq.
I really do not want to leave this man. I love him dearly; he is my husband and the father of my children. My parents went through a divorce when I was a little girl, so I know how traumatic it is for a child.
It's hard for me to fight with him over this. The precious time he is here, I do not want to fight with him and bring up this issue. I want us to be happy with our time together and act like a family when he is here. I do not want him leaving to go to Iraq thinking that his wife might leave him. But sometimes, I feel like this relationship is just too difficult to take anymore.
What should I do? How do I cope with this? (link)
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This is the most difficult question I have encountered on this website.
My gut tells me you should stay with him. But you want to hear more than just my gut feeling. This will be long.
He found a career he loves, one that fulfills him professionally. He also found a wife that he loves, and he has two children that he loves. His wife and children complete him.
The military instills a strong sense of commitment and honor in its members. I assume your husband loves you and your children deeply, and also feels a strong sense of commitment to you, his family. He is an honorable man: a soldier, a husband, a father.
He made a promise to you, or perhaps it was a bargain. You opposed his decision to enter the military, right? But you couldn't talk him out of it, so you found a loophole. You knew that as soon as you got pregnant, he would have to keep his word and quit, and you would have your hubby back, safe and sound. I don't blame you for that. Shortly after I was married, my wife, newly registered as a nurse, considered joining the army. I talked her out of it, as any sane spouse would attempt to do. I didn't want her going away for long periods of time. I wanted her home every day.
But he didn't keep his word. He fell in love with his job, and broke his promise. It was naive of him to make that promise in the first place, but he made it, and he betrayed you when he broke it.
Is it possible that you are once again giving him an ultimatum? You want him home so badly that you are willing to use whatever leverage you can, including the threat of leaving him. I imagine he can't break his commitment to his country any more than he can break his commitment to his family.
You clearly love him very much. You won't even sacrifice your time together by fighting about it when he is home, because that time is so precious to you. But when he is gone you feel lonely and powerless, saddled with the responsibilities of parenthood and denied the comforts and companionship of marriage.
Out of love, loneliness, and desparation, you are trying to get your husband back home. I don't know how to help you do that. I am afraid that if you play the 'promise' card and force an ultimatum on him, his heart will be broken regardless of whether he chooses his country or chooses his family.
Both of you are in a difficult position. My advice, and hopefully the advice of some of my fellow Advicenators, is for the two of you talk about this as openly and honestly as possible. I believe you must continue to do everything in your power to save your marriage. It is far, far from broken.
You might also seek out some other military wives for support. Perhaps there is an online community. Regardless of what promises their husbands made them, I'm sure they are experiencing similar feelings.
I wish you and your family the best, and I want to thank all of you for the great sacrifice you have made on behalf of our country.
Humbly,
Dr. Chad
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ok so my moms going into operation tomorrow. and its not a big one. but im just scared cause she told me you can die over the littlest ones too. and im really worried.. what can i do to get my mind off of everything? (link)
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It's only natural to be anxious when a loved one undergoes general anesthesia. You probably won't be able to take your mind off the operation until it's over, which is only one day away.
Very, very few people die under general anesthesia. The hospital is required to inform your mother of the risks involved, but you shouldn't confuse possibility with probability. It's possible a plane will crash into your house, but it's also highly unlikely. So it goes for your mom. She's going to be just fine.
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O.K.
I am a good writer and I LOVE writing shor stories. I am 13/f. I was looking for a new topic to write about but no one has any ideas. I like writing about reality... meaning I don't like to write fantasies. For example, I don't write about dwarfs, dragons, elves, etc. Anyways, I was wondering if anyone had a summary or something of something yall have heard or something so I can turn it into a story. Much appreciation.
I rate high! (link)
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Writers are observers. Many times a story will develop from simply watching and listening to people.
Exercise: Read through some of the questions on this website. Look for a question that has been briefly and vaguely described. Try to fill in all the missing details, and you will find yourself telling a story.
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Is it ok for christans to masterbate? I want to know befor I start. Thanks. (link)
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You've already been masturbating, haven't you?
Orthodox Catholics would say no, for the same reaason they believe contraception is wrong: The only reason for ejaculation is to conceive a child. If you're doing it for pleasure, it's a sin.
Protestants probably have wide-ranging views in this matter, as they do in many matters. If you aren't Catholic, you need to re-submit your question and indicate what brand of Protestantism you subscribe to.
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Last year, I was a freshman at a boarding school. I had many friends mainly because I refused to be very confrontational. I let things "slide". The only girl that had gotten in a slight fight with me had unjust animosity towards me.
This year, as a sophomore, I decided I wasn't going to take shit from anyone. My friends walked all over me last year(example: I asked my best friend to talk to this guy about how I had a huge crush on him and she gave him a blow job instead). I've sorta isolated myself from a lot of the steriotypical social interaction and cept a few good friends.
There is one girl who I was very good friends with last year and this year after all the back stabbing she did, I decided I didnt like her. And slowly, Im realising how arrogant and self absorbed she is. I stopped hanging out with her and eventually, I really just stopped talking to her. She asked why I was mad at her, and I bluntly told her I didnt like her because I didn't think that it would be right not to say that to her face.
She recently has been very whorish and got in trouble for getting drunk and passing out/throwing up on a "duty person" in her dorm. So on xanga, I called her a drunk colombian whore (shes colombian). Its one place where I feel I can speak what I think. I've gotten the nastiest comments about it.
Was all of this wrong of me to do? (link)
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I think you did the right thing. If your ex-friend is an arrogant, self-absorbed, backstabbing, drunk Columbian whore, then you clearly have every right to abandon and humiliate her. I'm especially impressed that you've overcome your habit of "letting things slide." People aren't going to walk all over you anymore--now that you've shown them what sort of person you are. It took a lot of guts for you to tell your friend you don't like her anymore and then call her names on your Xanga. Backstabbing sluts don't deserve your respect, and you were wise to break off the friendship. I especially like how you made a public display of your loathing. Now your classmates all know who they're fucking with.
I'm sure no one will give you shit anymore. Or the time of day. And you wondered why you got nasty comments...
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i know i am depressed,between family problems,friend problems,and being home sick from my old town.im not the same happy person i was..i just want to become something..should i ask my mom if i could get singing lessons or acting classes? i want to be one of that and im looking forward to going to a collage for singing and acting..and how can i do this how can i become a happy person again? any tips?please help..no one can tell im sad,i hide it..my friends arent good enough to tell that stuff.. (link)
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Every one gets depressed once in a while. Life can be very disappointing and frustrating, and can get the best of us down.
I find it curious that you don't trust your friends with your feelings, but that's your business.
I applaud you for having concrete ideas on how you can bring about the change you are seeking in your life. I definitely encourage you to pursue singing or acting classes. Follow your passions and dreams and you will lift yourself out of this sadness.
Dr. Chad
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What if your preganent by another guy? A you told the one person you thoght you could trust. Then she went around the whole entire skool and told everybody. Then your boy friend found out, what do you do????????????/ (link)
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You were unfaithful to your boyfriend, and he deserves to know that.
You have earned a reputation, and you must accept it for now.
You need to FOCUS on what's truly important: YOUR CHILD. Look to the future. The choices you've made have put you on THIS path. Don't look back, look ahead. You are going to be a mother. What difference does it make if your classmates are calling you a slut? Do you have any idea what sort of reputation YOUR parents had in high school? Of course not! It never mattered to you!
It doesn't even matter if you ARE a slut, because now you're going to be a mother, and THAT responsibility trumps any reputation your foolish classmates can pin on you.
Love the baby growing in your belly. Your baby is not to blame for the manner in which he or she was conceived.
SOMEDAY YOU WILL BE THANKFUL FOR THE BLESSINGS OF PARENTHOOD.
Good luck and have a great life,
Dr. Chad
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my life at home is hell all i get from my sis is abuse all me n my bro do is ague and fight my mum wont talk 2 me she never speaks 2 me about anythink never asks me if im alright never tells me she loves me never just asks hows my day been always sends me out the room and speaks 2 my sisters friends wont ever talk 2 me about anythink blames me for everythink buys my sis everythink always talks 2 her lets my bro off with everythink if i do what my bro does i will get smacked for it but if my bro does it then its ok(MY BRO CANT COMPRAMISE WITH ME MY SIS CANT BE NICE TO ME AND MY MUM CANT COMMUNICATE WITH ME ) H.E.L.P PPPPLLLLLEEEEAAAASSSSEEE (link)
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"I AM CONVINCED THAT LIFE IS TEN PERCENT WHAT HAPPENS TO ME AND NINETY PERCENT HOW I REACT TO IT." -Charles Swindoll
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so i got my hair cut today and i wanted it to my shoulders, she cut it to the bottom of my ears instead and i hate it, i think it looks so bad. is there anything i can do to make it look better?
and please dont tell me to grow it out, thats common sense (link)
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Go back to the salon and ask for THEIR advice. They are experts in hair styling, after all.
I don't know how old you are, bu young women look sexier and more mature with short hair. It's a "grown up" hairstyle--the look of the professional woman. Perhaps this was a fortunate accident for you.
It also dries faster and styles easier. You can sleep in longer.
Dr. Chad
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okay every day after i come home from school, i am bored. i don't know why. i mean, i have homework and stuff like that but when i try to do it i get really really distracted and i get in big trouble afterwards. does anyone have any ideas on ways i won't get distracted? and... does anyone have any ideas on what i can do when i get home from school so that i don't get bored? i rate high!!!! thanx!!!!!! :-D (link)
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A short attention span would explain both your boredom and your distractability. If you don't have trouble paying attention in school, then you aren't suffering from Attention Deficit Disorder. Another cause of a short attention span is simply a lack of interest in what you are attending to.
You need to do your homework, so if you can't get it done at home, then try doing it elsewhere, such as the library or a cafe. Some people concentrate better with background noise.
If you are otherwise generally bored at home, but not at school, then you aren't finding sufficiently stimulating pastimes at home. Find a new hobby, or get out of the house.
If you were just distracted I would have said you have too much on your mind. If you were just bored I would have said you have too little on your mind. But if you are both bored and distracted, then you have the WRONG sorts of things on your mind. The RIGHT sorts of things to have on your mind are those that are meaningful to you. Find your passion.
Dr. Chad
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is there any ways i can get motivated to write? i don't know.. my boyfriend told me..that my writing would get graded an F. umm yea. that really hurt..and now it's bothering me. i know my grammer sucks...but that really messed me up..now my authors block is lasting longer than usual. (link)
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Although correct grammar is necessary to publish, it isn't an important factor in the creative process. The grammar check comes last. Whether you are writing a story or an essay, what matters most are your ideas and your voice. In other words, I'd rather be able to tell a story and have poor grammar than to have impeccable grammar and no talent for spinning a yarn. Get it?
What qualifies your boyfriend as a literary critic?j Don't listen to him. Every artist has detractors. Listen to your gut.
Dr. Chad
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Theres this really cute guy that works in the same store as me. He is on rollerblades, he's the general cleanup guy. I'm in the clothing department. Well I just started the job yesterday, the store is huge, it has over 350 employees.
Well anyways he was smiling and being really friendly to me yesterday, and today he was smiling too. It didnt just look like a friendly smile but a smile that said he was interested in me. I was flattered because there are lot of really cute young girls that I saw flirting with him.
The only thing is that he looks really young, probably still in school. I am 27 but look like I'm 19. Should I go for him? (link)
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If he is still in high school, then no. But find out first. Take some time to get to know him a little. If he's an adult, and you are still attracted to him after talking to him, then ask him out.
Dr. Chad
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ok the love of my life (but he doesn't like me more than a friend) told me last nite that his dad was beating the sh*t out of him by a text message. so i then talked to a mutual friend and she said he said the same thing to her but that he pushed him down a flight of stairs and it really hurt him!! we dont kno weather or not to believe him. like he tells everyone this but none of his guy friends believe him really, just the 3 of his closest "girl friends" (me, and 2 mutual friends). they have different stories (ex: "we were on the phone and he started screaming and crying because he was in the shower hiding from his dad when he heard him coming and had to hang up"). we dont know whether to believe him or not..
once, one of his guy friends told us that he saw his dad smack him REALLY hard once..i dont know where.
please help..what should i do? its serious..also, no one knows what happened to his mom (link)
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Call Child Protective Services and report the father. If your friend is being abused, you will be doing him a favor. If he's making it up, he'll learn a lesson.
Dr. Chad
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ok well i have been deprest for a year now but i also self harm i cut,bang my head and bit my self i di all this because it helps releave all the pain but fot the past 3days i havent eaten or drank anythin because the site of it makes my heave and be sick i dont know what to do anymore please help i am femail aged 18.
please note that i have dyslexia and have looked over it again (link)
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I am so sorry to hear you've had such a bad year. You must be so tired of being depressed. Nothing has gone the way you wanted it to. I'll bet nobody really knows how much you've been hurting, do they? And hurting yourself hasn't really helped. Sure, the pain you caused yourself distracts you from the pain you can't control, but it's only temporary. The pain of depression always comes back, and you feel so hopeless. So hopeless. You don't believe anyone can help you.
Perhaps you have tried to get help. Maybe you went to see a counselor and told them your problems, opened yourself up to them, and they let you down. They didn't understand, or they didn't speak your language, or they blamed you, or they downplayed your problem, or they told you you aren't depressed. And you know that you ARE depressed.
I don't know. Perhaps I'm imagining too much. But I do know that depression is lonely and sole-wrenchingly painful. You feel hollow. You feel hopelessly lost, unloved, unworthy. You don't care about anything, not even yourself. You punish yourself. You cut. You don't eat. Hell, you can't eat because the thought of food disgusts you.
Try sitting on the floor with your hands beneath you, palm up. Now try to lift yourself up off the floor. Can't do it, of course. It's impossible. It's a hopeless exercise.
So is seeking help. You know, finding the right therapist is like finding the right school, or church, or boyfriend, or pair of shoes. You may have to try several therapists on before one fits. Different therapists have different theories that guide their methods. No one therapist can help everyone. There's a good chance that I'm not helping you at all either. From your brief description I've had to make many assumptions about you, and some were likely wrong. You might take someone else's advice, someone whose advice spoke to your heart and resonated in your mind. It's the same when finding a good therapist.
A year is a long, long time to be depressed. You are eighteen years old. You stand on the brink of adulthood, and you have your whole life ahead of you. I hope you find a way to lift yourself off the floor and find someone who will understand you and walk beside you and guide you to a place of peace, strength, and happiness.
Dr. Chad
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