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My husband won't leave the military
When my husband and I were first married, he promised me that if we ever had children, he would get out of the army. Two children later, he still hasn't gotten out.
The army has ended up being his life. He loves his job and has informed me that he is never getting out. He feels like his country needs him. I think this is very selfish of him to break his promise to me. The children barely know who their own father is. I feel like a single mother.
While he was in Iraq the second time, I wrote him a letter telling him I couldn't take it anymore and I was filing for divorce. I told him when he got back that I did not mean what I had said and that I was just going through a hard time with the pregnancy. Now three months after the birth of our second child, he is going back to Iraq.
I really do not want to leave this man. I love him dearly; he is my husband and the father of my children. My parents went through a divorce when I was a little girl, so I know how traumatic it is for a child.
It's hard for me to fight with him over this. The precious time he is here, I do not want to fight with him and bring up this issue. I want us to be happy with our time together and act like a family when he is here. I do not want him leaving to go to Iraq thinking that his wife might leave him. But sometimes, I feel like this relationship is just too difficult to take anymore.
What should I do? How do I cope with this?
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Wow, I take my hat off to you for the devotion you show to your husband.
My mother was a military wife too and my Dad used to go away for long undefined periods of time,
I asked her how she coped and she honestly couldn't give me an answer.
Your husband obviously loves his career although I doubt in his deepest heart of hearts he loves it more than he loves you and his children.
If I were you then I would write him another letter and explain that although you are proud of him for the service that he is doing for his country that you and the children miss him and you want him home.
How is your relationship when he is home? Do you get on O.K?
I am not really sure I can offer you anymore advice than this as I feel like I am way out of my depth with this one. It's a tough decision you have to make but I think you have already made it - you love your husband and don't want a divorce, so you have to hang in there in the hope that he will change his mind in the future.
I REALLY hoe that things work out for you and if you are ever in need a chat to vent some frustration or whatever then feel free to e-Mail me at MelanieHarvey81@hotmail.com
Take good care
Melanie x
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This is the most difficult question I have encountered on this website.
My gut tells me you should stay with him. But you want to hear more than just my gut feeling. This will be long.
He found a career he loves, one that fulfills him professionally. He also found a wife that he loves, and he has two children that he loves. His wife and children complete him.
The military instills a strong sense of commitment and honor in its members. I assume your husband loves you and your children deeply, and also feels a strong sense of commitment to you, his family. He is an honorable man: a soldier, a husband, a father.
He made a promise to you, or perhaps it was a bargain. You opposed his decision to enter the military, right? But you couldn't talk him out of it, so you found a loophole. You knew that as soon as you got pregnant, he would have to keep his word and quit, and you would have your hubby back, safe and sound. I don't blame you for that. Shortly after I was married, my wife, newly registered as a nurse, considered joining the army. I talked her out of it, as any sane spouse would attempt to do. I didn't want her going away for long periods of time. I wanted her home every day.
But he didn't keep his word. He fell in love with his job, and broke his promise. It was naive of him to make that promise in the first place, but he made it, and he betrayed you when he broke it.
Is it possible that you are once again giving him an ultimatum? You want him home so badly that you are willing to use whatever leverage you can, including the threat of leaving him. I imagine he can't break his commitment to his country any more than he can break his commitment to his family.
You clearly love him very much. You won't even sacrifice your time together by fighting about it when he is home, because that time is so precious to you. But when he is gone you feel lonely and powerless, saddled with the responsibilities of parenthood and denied the comforts and companionship of marriage.
Out of love, loneliness, and desparation, you are trying to get your husband back home. I don't know how to help you do that. I am afraid that if you play the 'promise' card and force an ultimatum on him, his heart will be broken regardless of whether he chooses his country or chooses his family.
Both of you are in a difficult position. My advice, and hopefully the advice of some of my fellow Advicenators, is for the two of you talk about this as openly and honestly as possible. I believe you must continue to do everything in your power to save your marriage. It is far, far from broken.
You might also seek out some other military wives for support. Perhaps there is an online community. Regardless of what promises their husbands made them, I'm sure they are experiencing similar feelings.
I wish you and your family the best, and I want to thank all of you for the great sacrifice you have made on behalf of our country.
Humbly,
Dr. Chad
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I'm not going to say that I understand what you're going through, because I've never been in this situation, but I am going to tell you one thing: if you truly love this man with your heart, you will try to work this out. It is obvious that he is very content with his job in the military, and you are uneasy with this, for the fact that your children are growing up without knowing their father as well as you would like.
One thing that I dont' really think is a good idea is threatening to file for divorce while he is over fighting in Iraq. Putting that on his mind might cause something to happen. It could distract him, put stress on him, and cause him to be unfocused on his job.
You need to wait until he comes home and talk this out rationally. Since he loves his job, is there any other job field that he is interested in and could possibly obtain a job in? If so, then this change is reasonable.
I also think that you should go to a counselor. The counselor might bring to light different options that are available to you and your spouse.
Don't end this relationship with the man you love if there is any way to possibly work this out. I wish you the best of luck darling.
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although i can't relate to you in anyway i would remomend leaving him not divorce but something other than just saying your unhappy. if he truly loves you and his family he will find a way to make you happy and if he doesn't he isn't work wasting your time like that. let him know that there are way more other ways he can serve his country other than being at war all the time
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That's an extreamly tough situation, and I cannot say I relate to it, but I can try my harders to help out. I don't think you should leave him, if you truly love him with all your heart, then you would be even more unhappy without him even being alittle bit in your life. Also, it might be hard on your kids to never have their father around but it's tough to not have your parents together, and you would understand that. Your husband is probably young if you guys are just having kids, he might realize how much of their lives hes missing and end up leaving the army. I mean, how many times do you get to see your OWN kids grow up? ONCE. He should eventaully realize that. I hope you make the right choice and I hope your life turns out great because of it.. take care of yourself
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I know what it is like to have someone in the army. My dad was in it. I felt like there was no relationship there like any normal family. He was always gone and we had to move alot. Its not easy to put up with something like that. If you are unhappy you should do what it takes to make yourself even if that means doing it yourself. I know that divorce is not a good solution especially if you love the man. The thing is i think our country got in this mess and b/c of the goverment so i think that the goverment should get themselves out by themselves. I dont think he means to hurt you. He loves you and his country. It must be very hard for him to leave his family. I know breaking a promise is a bad thing to. I mean he made that promise and broke. Did you ask your oldest what he thought even if their young they still can tell you how they feel. Maybe if your husband heard from his own kid then it will change his mind. ever give up and keep trying to convince him. You will succeed.
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I completely understand being seperated from your loved one because of the military. All the males in my family (including my fiance) have joined and gone away for at least 6 mnths. When your husband comes to visit dont put off important things just because you want to pretend to be happy because it will just make matters worse. Yes, have family time but when the kids arent around ask him to sit down and have a serious talk about it with you. Tell him you dont want to argue but this is effecting you dearly. You cant just act like a family all families argue and have problems. Be real with him ask him how he feels and tell him basically what you just wrote. He should consider everything greatly and come up with an answer after a while but most likely not right then. If he loves you and wants to continue to be in a family with you then he will make the right decision.
If he does NOT make the right decision then try counseling or anything that you think could help you both comprimise into something that doesnt end up in a divorce. You where working as a single mother the times he was away and you can do it without him if push comes to shove. be strong and if you have any other questions feel free to ask or IM me- Mrs_Nautica_advicenator
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wow, its great that you love him but his whole life in iraq? maybe you should go to a counselor and talk to them about this. continue to talk with your husband. how long will he be in iraq for? that all depends. be strong and try hard! jess
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