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Razhie. Advicenators Member Since: June 13, 2005. Answers: 5077. Visitors: 211514.
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The Question
Husband doesn't care about other relationships. Said not to "cross the line". But unable to be there until retirement... in 20 or more years. Promised kids not getting divorce. Hubbie says it's not an option anyway. Fell in love and have relationship with another man. What to do. How do I deal day to day?
The Answer
Why are you letting your husband call the shots? Why is it his decision that divorce is not an option? Why do you let him speak for you?
It's time to stand up for yourself and stop letting this man decide every little thing in your life, even the way you conduct your extra marital affair! Its mind boggling to me you would accept this arrangement. If you want a divorce and a chance with this other man, it is time to seize the opportunity.
As far as your day-to-day life you must know it will fall apart if it’s not already. The strain of this situation will take its toll on you, your children and your relationship and will bread even more arguments and anger then a divorce ever could.
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The Question
My fiance and I live together with our two children. We have decided to live in a small apartment for now while we are saving for a house. My mother had to move out of her house because of financial hardships about 2 years ago. When she moved, she told me that she would be going between my apartment and her boyfriends apartment until she got her own place. She now has her own place and she is still here. She sleeps on the sofa all the time. My stepmother keeps my kids a lot to give me and their father a break and she still stays here. What should I do?
The Answer
Be firm, this behavior is not appropriate and it is putting unnecessary strain on you and your family. Sit your mother down and explain to her that while you love her very much your apartment is very small and you would appreciate some more time alone. There is probably no way to do this without offending her a little, so be prepared for her unhappiness and arguments. If you really want this situation to change though, you’ll have to remain firm.
Have set times when it is okay for her to visit. Say, Wednesday night is family dinner night and we’d love you to come, or we are all seeing a movie on Saturday please wont you join us.
Your mother is probably just lonely. Encourage her to meet other people her age or pick up a hobby.
You really will have to put your foot down and be prepared for your mothers hurt. She will feel rejected and probably unloved. With regular and clear invitations, phone calls and plans you can let her know she is still included and loved by your family without encouraging her to move in with you.
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The Question
My friend asked this guy what he thought aboout me, and he wouldn't answer her, he just tried to get away from her.
Does this mean he doesn't like me?
The Answer
It could also mean he just doesn't like your friend.
Who can blame him really. I hate it when people only try to communicate through thier friends just so they wont get hurt or embaressed.
Suck it up.
If you like him talk to him yourself, it is the only way you'll ever know for sure.
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The Question
i asked a question similar to this before..but i didn't get the answers i was looking for.
i asked how to politely turn i guy down when he asks you to a dance.
my ring dance is in april and i know its a while away, but when someone asks me to be their date and i don't want to be..how can i turn them down?
is there some unwritten rule that you have to accept the first person who asks you?
The Answer
"No Thank You." Works wonders here. You can try and be nicer about it. "I'm just not into you like that." or "I'm sorry I'm not interested."
But by far, the nicest way to turn someone down is to just do it. Don't sugar coat it or lead them on. Be friendly but straightforward.
That rule only exists if you are a whimp. Go for what you want, not just any guy that wants you.
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The Question
Sorry I didnt know which catagory to put this in.
I'm 15 (16 in a month) and I'm really interested in helping the starving children in Africa. Only I don't know how to get involved in this? Is there anything I can do to help these poor children?
Also, when I'm older (out of college) I want to travel to Africa to help these children (note: this is not a new-found passion, I've wanted to help since 8th grade but I havent known how to help) is there any way I could get there like any group to join? I'm not sure how I could go about with that but I really want to go to help for a year of my life.
Thanks for any help!
The Answer
Look into local groups and maybe start a school charity of your own. It's good for highschool students to stick to the local level of fundraising because that is where you are the most effective.
If your interest praticularly in children in Africa I'd definately check out http://www.oafrica.org/ I've met a few people who voluntereed through them and it is something I hope to do when I graduate.
Good luck!
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The Question
okay this is what my friend sent me.
her: okay well like the bad thing is he doesnt like how your a preppy n wear abercrombie
her: LIke TO Much of it
me: okay
her: he liked how you wear pac sun.. and how u are nice.. and all that little stuff... and like yeah i asked him all this ... n than at the end i said would u ever go out with her and he was like if she was not that weird and wasnt a prep and yeah then we talked and were like yeah yup yeah
and i really like this guy, shoudl i clean my act up because my aprents thing abercrombie is rediculous and everything. so they refuse to buy it
and i love pac sun also... but some of the things i bought like are WAY too see thought... so yeah im going to act my self and yeah is that a good idea?
ps im not doing this to get him to ask me out
The Answer
Alright, this guy is considering going out with your or not going out with you based on what you WEAR?
Have I really got that right? Cause that is insane. What a jerk.
His opinion doesn't matter at all just wear what *you* want. Don't let a silly little boy give you fashion tips.
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The Question
I tryd telling my parents i needed to go to a hospital and get help and they made me go to my theripist and my theripist said w.e the hospital can do they can do but they dont understand! im trying to get help and they wont listen! I just cut myself with scisors and if i dont get help its gona get worse! WHY WONT THEY LISTEN TO ME!
The Answer
Because hospitals are not equipped to help people who cut. That is not their function. Therapists, crisis centers and some other live-in centers are equipped to help you far better. Unless you a bleeding to death right at this moment, the hospital is not there to help you. No one there will be interested in talking to you because hospitals primary interest is not in your mental health but your physical
Talk to your therapist. They are concerned with your mental health and they are the one who is capable of making recommendations about your care.
Don’t get obsessed with going to hospital to fix yourself. There are not quick fixes to your problems; you will have to work hard, talk and listen to your therapist in order to improve.
If you are in crisis right at one moment try calling a suicide help line or kids help phone.
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The Question
What could be causing blood while urination and pain?
The Answer
Sounds like a urinary tract infection or kidney infection. Get it checked out by a doctor right away. There are simple medications to cure it but it will only get more painful if you leave it.
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The Question
Does anyone know any attractions/fun things to do for a group of about 10 13and14 year old girls to do in Niagra Falls? I'm on the attractions/fun things to do committee of my girl scout troop and I dont know what to do!
The Answer
Spend most of your time on the Canadian side (if not all of it) The view is better and there is waaay more too do.
There is the maid of the mist where you can take a boat ride right up near the falls. The Maid of the Mist runs untill October. You can also walk underneth and behind the falls and that is open all year round.
There the Skylon tower which has a really nice observation deck and the Butterfly Conservatory with hundreds and hundreds of butterflys flying all around you.
Those are my favorite things to do. There is also a lot of shopping and pretty gardens if you walk along right by the falls.
Hope you all have fun!
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The Question
14/F i am really confused rite now i have this boyfriend who is id say about 3 years older than me [ 17 ] hes a senior im a freshman & hes not a virgin and whatnot and i am . . we`ve been goin out for almost 5 months and hes starting to hint around that he mite want to mess around or somethin and the whole idea really makes me nervous considering hes my first real relationship & considering hes had more experiance than me and i am absolutly clueless . . hes never asked anythin be4 and im afraid that if maybe i dont do anything he mite break up with me . ? or something but i think its more of the fact that im nervous . what do you think i should do?
- confused & clueless
The Answer
If you feel he might break up with you because you don't wish to have sex with him then you should DEFINATELY NOT HAVE SEX WITH HIM.
Don't you want your first time to be with someone who loves you? Would someone who loves you dump you for not being ready to have sex?
This is not the kind of topic you should tiptoe around, and rely on hints and jokes to try and figure out his feelings. Ask him straight out what he wants and be ready to tell him exactly what you are ready for. If you are not ready, nothing he says should change your mind. This is not about him, or even you as a couple, it is about you and only you. Take care of yourself first and foremost. If he dumps you over this, consider yourself lucky.
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The Question
Where can a get a good list of British 19th century movies. I love Jane Austin adaptions like Emma, Sense & Sensibility, Pride & Prejudice, Etc. I have been searching online, but have had little luck. Any recommendations?
The Answer
Not really my area of expertise but I have to recommend A Room with a View. It's based on E.M. Forster’s 1908 novel of the same name and is a really wonderful love story about breaking past the stiff edwardian manners and ideas of a proper ways to behave.
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The Question
My best friend who isn't a virgin, and I am 18 and am still a virgin, by choice I feel that I should wait until I am truly in love. Well any ways we got in to a fight to day and she said some ignorant thing, saying that I am a virgin because I can't get none. Which is so not true. I don't know if I should still be friends with her or not. And then we get in to fights because she is with her boy friend all the time, and we never spend any time together except for school. what should I do
The Answer
Things said in anger should never be taken too seriously. The issue with your friend probably has nothing to do with your views on sex, she just hit a nerve by bringing it up.
The real issue is that you feel neglected when she is with her boyfriend, That you need to talk to her about. Read that last sentence agian, I said talk, not argue.
Blaming her will only cause more of these nasty fights, focus on your feelings of neglectment and hurt. If you want a friendship with her, tell her so and tell her what, in your opinion, that friendship should be built on (ie, spending more time togeather, hanging out more, respecting eachother and such)
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The Question
Okay last night I had a really weird thing happen to me. I woke up, but couldn't move. I remember dreaming something and caught myself dreaming and thought about what I was dreaming and I knew for sure I was awake but couldn't open my eyes or move a muscle. It got so scary, I tried to yell out for someone to come shake me but I couldn't make a sound. I tried to fight it so hard, tried in my best will power to move my finger. All the while I felt a certain strange feeling like I was lead toward a dark tunnel, I felt like I was being pulled from my body and I felt if I didn't fight it I would end up dying. And I know this wasn't a dream because I finally came free from the paralyzation and sat up just confused. After this experience I remembered having them all the time when I was a child, and that's why I am so intrested in finding out what this is....I looked some of it up and found that it could be sleep paralysis, but I don't know. Anyone have an idea?
The Answer
It certainly sounds like sleep paralysis. Some people call them night terrors too, intensely bad dreams followed by temporary paralysis. Alot of people have them, and alot of people suffer from them on a pretty regular basis.
If this was a one time thing I wouldn't worry too much. The best thing to do is to try your best to stay calm (even though the natural thing to do is panic) and ride it out. If it becomes a regular occurance, see a doctor to be sure there is nothing more serious at work.
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The Question
What is the average cost of college? I'm in 10th grade, and I have to pay college on my own, like my parents aren't helping, and I was wondering what the average price is for a private college, and the average for a community college. If anybody has been through with college (recently) could you please tell me what college and how much money it cost?
Thank you! :)
Also, when I get a job (when I get my drivers liscense) would it be smart to save up some of the money (take like 1/3 of it) and save it for college, or would it really not amount to anything and not be worth it in the end? Thank's again!
The Answer
Going to college is expensive, anywhere from about 30,000 to 50,000 is about normal. It depends on your program of study as well as if you go to a community school or a private one. It is significantly cheeper if you live at home while you attend. (You'll save about 4,000 a year or more by living at home)
I saved half of every pay check I ever got to go towards my education and I still needed to take out loans and apply for scholarships.
Save every penny you get, it makes your life way easier if you can avoid massive amounts of debt.
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The Question
well you see i'm a mom of a 5 year old and he never leaves. and lately me and my husband have been wanting to have sex. and we're a very loud couple if you know what i mean. what do i do?
The Answer
Learn to be quieter?
Sorry, seriously, at five your son is old enough to be babysat for an evening, he would probably see dinner at another house as a real treat. Maybe another couple with a young child would be willing to trade with you for an evening alone as well.
On the other hand, I have quite a few memories of my hearing my parents late at night. It's kind of embaressing but I am glad to know they have a healthy marriage. Many kids catch thier parents in the act, it doesn't seem to completely mess up a child even if it does bring up some uncomfortable questions.
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The Question
ok so im really scared because i have been to the hospital before because i had a kidney infection and the pain came back again. So i went to the hospital yesterday and i had 2 wee in a pot! Floating in the pot was something white!!!! what is it? it was like a blob of thin cloth but so small. They gave me medicine and said i have an infection what if there is something wrong with me? It can't be a std because i have never had sex in my life. Im 17/f what is it? i will rate you high for some help on answers.
The Answer
You'll find out soon hun, sounds like another bladder infection and/or kidney infection, just take your medication and ask your doctor any questions you need too, they are the ones who know for sure.
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The Question
The title says it all, my apparent "best mate" has went with my ex boyfrieds (Yes I am gay) on three seperate cases, and I dont think its fair or amusing in the slightest. He has saidthat he was sorry for doing there on saturday, and told me that he was verydrunk, but I would never do that, espically in front of me. I know the gay scene is a little promiscious, but come on!Any advice on how to approach him, its becoming annoying!
The Answer
Look, promiscuous or not, that's pretty disrespectful, especially if it becomes a pattern.
My question for you is, do you think anything will change if you approach your friend about his behavior? They are your ex boyfriends, he probably didn't see anything wrong with it, even if it annoys you, there is no real reason for him not to do it again.
If this is something that really bothers you look for friends that share your values, not the entire gay scene is promiscuous and a hook-up culture. I know many nice monogamous and conservative gay couples and individuals, they just take a bit more work to find.
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The Question
Okay, I'm curious as to what you all think about this.
My boyfriend tends to travel in the summer. The summer between 11th and 12th grade, he went to Vegas. The summer after that (this one), he went to Florida. Both times, I cried quite a bit (I also happened to be PMSing both times, I think, but I'm not sure if that actually has anything to do with it). On saturday, he left for Florida again, for college. This is the start of (essentially) a five-year separation. I know this, and it upsets me...but I didn't really cry. I mean, there were a couple of tears, which he adorably wiped away, but there weren't like..."storms of tears", as a friend would put it. I really don't understand why I'm not more upset about him being gone. I won't see him until mid-December, and I'm used to seeing him quite a bit. (We're a very clingy/touchy couple)
We're engaged, so I'm not worried about him going and finding some other girl. He was only home for about two weeks, one of which I was stuck at school for, so I only got to see him for...well, threeish days (I kidnapped him, kinda, and kept him in my dorm), and then about four hours on friday before he left.
Shouldn't I be more upset that we're separated?
I think part of the reason I'm not is because I told him to go. He's going to Full Sail, which I hear is an incredibly good tech-school-type-place, and I wanted him to go and get a jumpstart on his career. I don't do regret, so I don't regret telling him to go, but I miss him...
But at the same time, I'm not upset...like...at all.
What's going on in my head? (Not that you can actually answer that...but you can try, right?)
Please, no stupid answers or chatspeak. I'll only rate you down.
-Siren =)
The Answer
You are proud of him, you know you both have made the right decision and you secure in your love. Why should you cry?
You have someone you love, who loves you, who is following his dreams, and who you trust completely. Why should you cry?
You are engaged as well, that means you are no longer in this for the short term. You don't need to see him every moment of every day just in case it is the last time you do. He is yours forever, you will have years together. Why should you cry?
Tears of loneliness and sorrow will probably come often enough over the next little while. No need to go looking for them. Enjoy your love, even when you are separated from him, and treasure each smile it brings you.
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The Question
I'm 24 and my boyfriend is 26/5 . I know my boyfriend for two months.he is labenese and i'm iranian , we were a happy couple we never had a fight . one day he told me that his family wants him to marry a girl from his own nationality. and when i asked him about his idea he said that he likes the girl but as the same time he does not want to lose me!!!!and i was upset i told him we need to talk but he kept postponing ourdate then we could not talk. I wrote to him that I love him and i can not see him with somebody else , so i will move out of his life and he can go on with his. from that day he is not giving me a direct answer, he keeps saying that he does not want to lose me but he does not talk to me about the whole issue. I even tried not to answer his calls for few days but he kept calling.he is insisting that we have to continue our relationship. I don't know who I am in his life anymore. by the way he told his causine that he loves me as a sister!!! I don't remember being his sister. he does not know what he wants.all i know is that i love him but i want this relationship only if I know that he also has some feelings for me. PLEASE HELP ME
The Answer
It's about time you get angry. What this man is doing is completely unfair. He is stringing you along and not even pretending to be bothered with your feelings.
Do you really want a relationship where your partner wont speak to you about important culture issues and life decisions? Who wont even acknowledge that those issues have a huge emotional impact on you?
The first chance you get ask once more for a frank and open discussion about his feelings and the issues, explain that it is hurting you and making you feel insecure and unsure if you wish to pursue this relationship. If he still refuses to discuss anything and keeps insisting on the relationship without offering you any consideration or explanation, end it.
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The Question
I'm 17 and a senior and I have a serious problem with my dad. I have an older brother who doesn't live at home any more, but when he did, he wasn't exactly the best student. I remember every time interums or report cards would come out, I would hide up in my room listening to him crying as my dad screamed at him. I don't know everything that my dad did, because I never saw it, but I only remember my mom sticking up for him ONCE. He would always tell anyone who would listen what a loser my brother was and how he would never amount to anything. The first time I got a C in math was when I was in the 10th grade. My dad screamed at me and then told me to get out of his face because he didn't want to look at me anymore. He gets pissed off at little things, has thrown chairs across the room and has no clear desire whatsoever to control his anger. He has never hit my mom, little sister or me but he yells a lot and my mom hardly ever says anything to him. He's trying to force me to go to the college he wants me to go to by threatening not to give me any financial support. For a while, I was cutting myself because he made me feel so worthless, but I haven't done so in over two years because my mom walked in on me once. She doesn't believe me when I say I think I'm really depressed. My brother was diagnosed with chronic depression and my dad flipped when he found out because he doesn't believe in psychology, which is the field I want to go into. I really hate him and am sick of putting up with him and I don't know what to do.
The Answer
I hate those kind of fathers, angry as all hell and trying to turn his kids into the same screwed up and worthless person he is.
He clearly has problems controling his anger, it certainly doesn't help that your mother enables him.
It is a sad thing in life that older children have few reasources agianst thier abusive parents unless the abuse is physical.
If you can't speak to your mother about finacial help through college then talk to your guidence counselors. Try to stay calm and explain the problem about finacial help seriously, they will be able to guide you to the proper reasources on student loans as well as scholarships and bursiraries.
Then buckle down for a fight. Accept that in order to follow your dreams you might have to do it alone. Lots of people go through school without the finacial help of thier parents, it is possible, just less plesant.
I can understand wanting to yell back, wanting to scream and make him realize what an idiot he is. But you know by know he isn't capable of admiting he is wrong.
Find the strength inside yourself to ignore him. That was finally the way I delt with my father, whenever he started to yell, I would stop what I was doing and give him my full attention without ever saying a word besides yes and no. Focus on your breathing and make up a chant for yourself to drone out whatever he is yelling about, mine was "I'm going to be world famous and you are going to die unloved." A little nasty sure, but it gave me strength to get through those last years at home.
Good luck and if you need anything, drop me a line.
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