Dragonflymagic's advice column

Life is an adventure but Life doesn't come with user manuals for everything. School subjects do little to prepare us. Its no wonder we all need helpful advice sometimes. Blessings to you!

advice

Okay, I'm in a master program in Scotland for physical therapy and there is this guy lets call him Wayne from Canada. Wayne and I didn't not talk much at the beginning of the year and then we got super close during a class trip in May. Since that trip we just clicked and connected and have been flirting with each other. Then one night have after our neuro final we all went out as a class (I drank a little too much😜) and that whole night he was all over me (dancing, drinking, close touching) and he even walked me home (interlacing hands the whole way) and he lives on the other side of town. Then I went on clinical placement, he went out of town for it and he came back to town and we all went out for a drink. That night, same thing, we talk in each's other personal space, I thought we were going to kiss. Then we went back to clinical placement and we snap chatted here and there. Then my girlfriends and I were planning a trip to Paris this November and Disneyland Paris and Wayne and his friend asked to join us. I said yes, whatever. Before this he asked me if I wanted to go Lyon in France to visit his friend and I said yes (I've been to Paris 3x, don't need to see the sights again). So the two of us go to Lyon, spend 2 hours on the train talking and flirting. We get to LYon, meet his friend, she's lovely, we all have a great time. So that night he and I share a sofa bed. And we spend literally 4 hours talking about everything and anything and eventually we kinda hooked up. Next day, we are completely fine, enjoy Lyon, but don't talk about us hooking up. Then we take a 2 hour trip back to Paris and were fine, talked the whole way. Then I tell my girlfriends all about it and we all agree for me to ask him out, like whatever, all the signs are there I guess. So we get to Disneyland (probably not the best idea) but I ask him and he says yes and no and does not want to mess our friendship? So then it was awkward. So I tell my girlfriends and they said maybe he is scared and whatever. So we get back to Scotland and I had a friend visiting from home and we all went out for drinks. And she's sees our chemistry too. So I texted Wayne, that I understood what he meant by no, but what was yes. He replies we'd talk once my friend went home. So my lovely friend Anna flies back to new york and Wayne texts if I still wanted to talk. I said yes. MOST POINTLESS CONVERSATION. Since he didn't even answer my question. He said we would work better as friends, and it would be awkward if we dated. I was okay but how? (mentally, I didn't say it out loud). So I just left it whatever. So my roommate and I hosted a Christmas dinner for our whole class and Wayne is there. So I'm fine with us being friends but I just need a little space between us, cuz my feelings won't disappear over night and I made it pretty obvious that I need space between us. Wayne proceeds to look at me all night, (as I see him at the corner of eye), ask me over to his place for a pizza night and today at trampoline (I'm on the team), joins the trampoline team and just wants to talk to me and my feelings about everything and proceeds to look at me and when I look at him, looks away. My girlfriends think its because I'm not Jewish (he is Jewish and his parents are adamant that he be with girl that is Jewish) and he scared cuz of something that might have happened before relationship wise. And thinks hat Wayne's next gf he is with, he wants its be end game. But what makes him think I don't want?!
Like this is not fair. I feel all these assumptions have been placed on me and I've honest with him on how I feel. It's like he is too chicken to tell me how he really feels but acts like this. Its messing with my head since I'm trying my best to move on and get to the point where we can be friends but he really isn't really making this easy with these mixed signals. HELP!

I'd like to clear up the misconception he is tossing out at you first.

The only time a person can mess up a friendship in moving toward romance is if they feel chemistry but the person they have more than friendship feelings for does not feel the romance, only friendship, then yes, it would kill a friendship.

Yet Friendship is of one two important foundations for a couple relationship to be successful. I mentioned a second thing and that is to have the same romantic and sexual equal in their partner. This I must explain more so you understand exaxtly what I mean. In romance, both are attracted to and desire each other. Thats one part and the other is being very similar in what they are like sexually having the same libidos or desire for sex. A low libido is not bad if both have one and that way once every two weeks might be enough for them but some need romance and sex more regularly, once or twice a week and sometimes daily. There is nothing wrong with this either but both must feel the same.

Too many go straight to sex without even checking to see if they could be terrific best friends first. My first husband not only wasn't my best friend but we were mismatched sexually and he also didn't feel a strong love and could admit to a Dr. he was never in love with me. Not so with 2nd husband. We both have a solid friendship and moved on to sex once we realized the friendship was solid. We dont have to have sex to enjoy each other, loving touches, cuddles, holding hands, kisses but mostly just the presence of each other even when doing mundane things makes everything so much more rewarding, fun and exciting.

Now I will address his actions. The way he is acting is like a man in love. He keeps seeking you out, wanting to simply be in your presence. He has fallen hard. He wants you to be his mate forever but uses the excuse of not wanting to ruin friendship instead of telling you the truth. The truth is likely what you beieve it is, that since he is Jewish his parents want him to marry someone with Jewish blood or maybe at least someone who would switch faiths and follow Jewish customs. The real problem here is that he is facing a difficult decision and doesn't feel it fair to tell you the truth and thereby involve you in this. Unfortunately he is wrong, you are already involved. If he says he is not interested in you romantically or in love, then he is most likely not telling you the truth or he is choosing to lie to himself. All you have shared about him finding any reason to be near you is the only reason to be so glued to you unless you are the daughter of a president and he is one of the men assigned to go where ever you go to keep you safe. Thats the only other reason a man would be that close.

My father was Jewish and My Mother was german. They lived in Nazi war time Germany. Mom was Lutheran and back then you had to choose a faith in public schools as there were religion classes so his family decided to have him register as Lutheran, so that in a way, he was hiding in the open. This way he learned also about the Christian faith. He moved to the US after end of war and had no family telling him who he could marry. When I was growing up, Mom and Dad did both holidays, Hannukah and Christmas and left it up to us children to decide for ourselves once adult which way we wanted to go.

If this guys family is totally against a non Jewish daughter in law, then he is stuck between chossing his parents or choosing you. Is his family would shun and disown him and he'd never seen them again, that is something that is hard to turn ones back on. The only thing I can think of that helps put a persons mind in a better track is to realize that it is your life to live and experience, not your parents life where they try to live it again through you. Another thing is that our parents grow older and will at some point pass on while we are left. If family was chosen over you, it might be too late for him to find you and marry you. It would be too late for having kids and raising them. Its easy to leave and turn backs on family members who are very toxic in their nature. But if other than this one thing they are great, then it is hard. He basically has to try to convince them or choose to leave them, not have their blessing and go after you instead. If you were in his position and he's free to date anyone but your family totally against you marrying a Jewish boy and if you do youd never see them again, how would you choose? It takes a strong person to choose their mate regardless of what family says. Ones belief or their bloodline does not matter as much as people say. My first husband was a Christian and I was and yet he did not treat me as a Godly husband would. It was a horrible abusive marriage! He could marry a girl who was Jewish and she could turn out to be a bitch once married to him and hate having sex with him. He has less time left with his parents than he would with a girlfriend who becomes his wife til he dies, so both of you really need to talk, no worrying wondering as you have been but and keeping silent. You need to know what the real reason is that is holding him back. Neither of you can remain just friends when both of you have strong feelings for each other. Its at the point where you both get together regardless of whats holding him back now or you both stop being friends, and stop getting into situations where the other one is present, that is too hard when trying to let go of the one you love and start to heal from that horrific hurt. I feel for you dear. If the two of you are meant to be together, the two of you must talk it out and make plans together such as the children allowed to learn Hebrew and celebrate both Holidays and find some agreement as to wether to attend Synagogue or church or some combo of both. I can see children going to synagogue and going through Bar and Batvitvahs and perhaps go to Childrens church on a weeknight during the week. This way they learn both. You just don't tell the in laws of this part. What really matters is that you both decide first if its possible and he shares with the parents about a compromise you both have agreed on. If they can't, it decision time for him to turn his back on them, which is not dishonoring ones parents, if the parents are close minded on this. Bi racial and bi faith families are not forbidden. And the reference to avoid being unequally yoked is more about both believing there is a God, not how they go about living that out.

My sister and I once had an interesting talk with her pastor after I divorced my ex and went to stay with her a while. He was concerned about his daughter wanting to marry a man who grew up in the U.S. but his family was from the middle east and they were not Christians. we asked if he liked the man and if he treated her exceptionally well. Pastor said yes, he liked the man and he treated his daughter like a princess, he just wasn't of the same faith. So I told my story, a church going man who claimed to be Christian whom I married and was abused by for the 30 years I stayed with him. I asked whether his faith was more important than his daughters well being and happiness, and he agreed his daughter was more important and ended up giving her his blessing to marry.

I remember vaguely a bible parable of a Master with two workers. He gave them instructions, and one said yes but never did the work. The other complained bitterly about it but in the end did what he was asked to do. Which one followed his masters wishes? We want to say both but God isn't so concerned about the words, the complaining, differences in religion and so on, He is most concerned that each person is willing to do what they are supposed to do in this life and learn what they are supposed to learn and sometimes that can be learned wether we comply readily or complain all the way. If it helps to share some of my words with him, feel free to put in your own words or if you feel it is appropriate and he wouldn't be upset you wrote for advice, you may share my whole response with him. I wish you the best dear.