A quick note: If I answered a question and you have further questions for me, please include a URL link to your original question(s) so that I can be sure of what we're talking about. Questions that reference something we talked about a week ago that I can't quite remember are kinda hard to answer.
Welcome to my column.
I don't apologize for my answers. I speak to the audience, and in doing so I sometimes tell the audience things they don't want to hear or cant handle.
I believe in stands on principle. I believe that doing right for the sake of doing right is a good way to live. I believe in self awareness and encourage it in others. I offer the most unbiased viewpoint I have. And yes, I am only human.
Im going to tell you what I think you need to hear. You are not supposed to take what I say and follow it. You are supposed to take what I say and _think_about_it_
Oh, and feel free to ask me questions, but netspeak, ebonics, terrible grammar, and your teen angst about a crush will be ignored.
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This is for guys, but if a women has asked their boyfriend or husband the same thing and can answer this, feel free to answer too. Why do men watch porn if they are in a relationship? (link)
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It's not about replacing women. That's such a self centered notion.
Men have different needs. The need for sex in us is somewhat physical. There are measurable stress results on the body when men have an unexpressed degree of sex drive.
Male masturbation is a result of the desire for physical release. We're wired to get horny, and at times it's straight up infuriating. From the 14 year old who gets an erection at inappropriate times to the guy in his 20s with a young wife who bought some lingeree he can't stop thinking about (during work or school when he needs to focus) guys just want sex. We can't help it.
It's entirely logical that a guy who knows he's going to be horny regularly would seek to relieve it regularly, either through sex or solo play. Being able to sacrifice 10-20 minutes of your day to get sex off your mind for the rest just makes sense.
Add to that the degree to which sexual kinks are still treated with discomfort in the world, and the fact that no two partners are ever perfectly compatible, and you've got a market. Something that causes direct physical arousal and aids in relief while simultaneously giving you an outlet for a fantasy which is for whatever reason not a part of your regular sex life. Or just something that echoes a fantasy that is expressed when you can't actually have sex.
Emotionally speaking, it's not a replacement. Imagine you're reading a romance novel and some part of it reminds you of a fight you just had with your partner. That's probably going to make you put the book down, or at least kill the enthusiasm a little bit.
That's with reading, where it's all down for you to follow. Imagine being in that situation while masturbating in a room alone looking at and reading nothing. You don't even have a channel to redirect your thoughts. Porn is there so that you can have a focus. Something that prevents distraction and allows you to focus on the matter at hand.
Which is an orgasm, and nothing more.
Porn can be a problem when it affects the sex life, but the vast majority of the time it only affects the sex life when insecurity comes into play.
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I'm 15/f and my bf is 17... sorry if this is long bt i really need help..
okay so i have a daughter she is my world she will be two tommorrow and my bf (baby daddy) abuses me everyday for no reason we live together i got kicked out of my house when i was 13 my mom died when i was 12 and my dad wanted nothing to do with me so i moved in with my bf Dametrious i love him so much we have been threw hell we been together for three years. he hits me hard he leaves bruises and scares yesterday he burned me with the iron i have tears running down my face as i write this he hurts me really bad he got mad because some guy texted me saying that he got my numb off of myspace and my didnt believe him ! im scared that if i keep letting him hurt me then he will hurt my daughter too !! he slaps me in front of her calls me a bitch he spit in my face i have no where to turn what do i do? i have no family!! and all my friends cut me off when they found out that i was preg. ohh ya and my bf cheats on me all the time like about a week ago he brought some girl named asia over our house and told her i was his sister and my daughter was his niece !!!! wtf?? im really crying right now how could he do this to me ? and after that he went upstairs and had sex with her i know because you could hear them !!! what do i do !!!! help ! (link)
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Go to google. Search your city and state followed by the words "women's shelter". Go there and tell them everything you've told us here. There are people out there to help you, and at 15 you really need help. Get the fuck out of that house, take the kid with you. Your boyfriend will destroy both you and your daughter if you allow it. Take action to save yourselves now.
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I am a 65 year old male that doesn't know much about sex and relationships so I thought I would ask and maybe try this once to see if it was appealing to both of us.
Is it better to stimulate the clitoris with a finger or through oral sex with the tongue? (link)
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Do not ask questions like this here. This is not a sex forum.
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i have been getting drunk and "sluttying" it out for a week and i really didnt know my limits. i thought it was all fun and no consequenes.
the other night i got drunk and ended up getting with this boy who has a very serious girlfriend.
it was mutual no one forced the other one, then midway thorugh our hookup his friends came in a stopped it becasue they knew hed regrett it and everything.
and i ran out covering my fave shamefully.
i woke up the next mornign feelign awful.
my friend bumped into the boy and boy was so mean. said make sure she doesnt tell a soul no one oculd ifnd out. she forced herself on me. i didnt enjoy it etc.
i am so mordified and i just feel so ashamed.
i am DONE doing that i really am changing. i am quitting drinkign and the next boy i kiss will be on a legit care about.
just i cant stop feeling bad about myself because of this boy.
i do not have feelings for him but he just dispizes me so much and hates me and make sup that i forced myself on me that i just ahte myself so much and i really just want to go away.
how do i move on from this?
(this is really coming from a serious place this question, if your going to say stop being a slut dont bother- i know i did stupid things and i know i was very whore-ish and thats why im seeking advice) (link)
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You fucked up.
You also appear to have learned from it, and have set coherent limits on yourself with "I am quitting drinking and the next boy..." stuff.
I mean, at this point, it's just human. You're young, and young people do stupid shit. You should be thankful that you're not posting about STDs or pregnancy like five or six other questions we get on this website daily.
Yeah, he hates you. You're even intelligent enough to realize that he hates you purely because you represent a mistake he made, not because you actually did anything to him.
I'd confront him. Look him in the eye and tell him "You keep your mouth shut, so will I. You wish it didn't happen and now you've made me wish it never happened either. I'd rather not think about or deal with this anymore. I think you feel the same way. So I'll tell the friends I have who know to shut the hell up, you tell your friends and everyone to shut the hell up, and we can both go about our lives with everyone shut the hell up and forget this ever happened"
Even if he reacts badly, being faced with you wanting to just put shit behind you and not wanting any more drama than he does might wake him up and make him drop it.
Get him to shut up and you'll get over it. Every time you think "I hate myself" remind yourself "But I'm not doing shit like that anymore". Teenage years are a period of constant redefinition of self. Everyone does shit they're not proud of, everyone has to try to learn from it, and everyone is expected to eventually stop hating themselves for mistakes they've made in the past and learned from.
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My mom is dying to be my friend on facebook and wants to "check what im doing". I have nothing to hide from her, I just dont want to be her friend on facebook. I deserve the right to have my privacy. what should i do/tell her? She complains I always clog up her newsfeed, so I dont know why she wants to be my friend. (link)
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As a future parent, if she wanted access to your facebook you'd be kinda obliged to give it to her. Friends, however... Facebook is for networking. I'd just disarm her with "I don't really need to network with you. We live in the same house. I'm on this specifically for my friends, and no offense mom, but you're my mother before you're my friend."
Then again, I'm not exactly the type to shy at making things uncomfortable if it serves my purposes. Being clear is the easiest way to get what you want. Beyond that, no idea what the potential fallout is, so use your best judgment how to approach it.
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18/f
So my boyfriend and I have been dating for like 18 months and we have not had sex. I know thats a good thing and I know hes a good guy obviously but he really has no interest in having sex. I just think it's weird granted I am his first girlfriend and first everything in the relationship department. So he is a virgin and I am not. It's not like I really need to do it but I honeslty liked having sex. My previuos bf was the only guy i did it with and we dated for a year before it happened. Anyways, I have talked to my current boy about it and he just doesn't get why I would want to have sex. It's to the point now we hardly ever "mess around" anymore. Its just weird to me and I feel like thats what people do who love each other and it brings you closer you know? I know we are young too but It's a natural feeling. What do you guys think? (link)
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It sounds like he's an insecure virgin and not ready for what you want.
I think Rahzie's right. If he's not ready it's not your job to push him. But it's also not your job to wait considering you're both potentially consenting adults.
If you issue any ultimatums he'll probably cave and resent you for it later (destroying or severely damaging the relationship) so you need to decide if you want to wait or if you're done waiting. It's a personal choice either way, figure out for yourself what feels right to you.
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Ok, so the story is that I live on a military base because of my dad. While I'm out here, I met a marine that I like a lot, and he likes me. Unfortunately, it's not exactly...allowed for us to be together. He's not the kind that is only interested in me for sex, especially since he hasn't gotten any and it's been two months. But since it's against the rules, he refuses to ask me to be his girlfriend, even if we keep it secret. He says it's so that if people ask me if I'm with him, I can honestly say "no." At least for the next two months, which is when I turn 18. I want him to be mine, which he says he is, and I believe him, but that title is important to me. Should I tell him that it's either all or nothing? Or that I should wait until I'm 18, and see how it plays out. Help please >. (link)
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Two months? Seriously?
He's worried about the job he's signed up for. Criminal charges could very, very easily ruin his life. Get over your impatience, wait two months for the title. It's really immature to question something like this when you flat out know you could fuck his life up with statutory rape charges.
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My gf and I just started having sex 2 months ago. She's been with 6 guys before me and all that. I can't make her cum and she said it's because my penis is too small. She wants me to make it bigger by taking the pills they sell the stores. I am only 17 and I think you have to be 18 to buy the pills. What can I do for her instead? I feel bad because she's so sure it's because my penis is too small and that's embarrassing. Shes really into having sex and if she can't get off she is really unhappy. Should I just break up with her so she can be with a guy who is bigger? I get hurt feelings because after sex every single time she goes on and on about the problem (link)
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There are no medically safe and real ways to make your dick bigger. You're stuck with what you've got. If she doesn't like it, move on.
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I got a bad grade and have to show my mom!!!! what should I do??
I have to have her sign it how should i tell her (link)
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Give her a five minute run down on the things you could have done (and will do) in the future to make sure your grade is higher. If it's one grade, like a test, tell her a few questions you got wrong and how you think you could have prepared better for them. If it's like a six weeks, bring up a couple of assignments and tell her how you didn't do as well as you wanted and how you can improve the next six weeks.
Make her spend five minutes agreeing with you, you'll know better than she will what you could do to improve it. If you show her you're thinking ahead there's a good shot she'll not feel inclined to add much herself.
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I am dating this one girl and have been for like 2 years now. She's been a good girl and I love her a lot. The problem is that when we first had sex like 6 months into the relationship she told me she was a virgin. It was and is important to me. And then today I was kidding around with her about she ended up saying she had gave a few guys head and had anal once or twice before me and her got together. Now to me that means she wasn't a complete virgin and it makes me really upset. Im so hurt. I really don't know what to do. I was a virgin before her and it was important to me that she be one too. I know I can't change her past but she flat out lied to me. She knew what I meant by asking if she was a virgin and she kept it from me. Should i brake up with her now? i don't think i can get over this lie. She should have just told me the truth and been honest. (link)
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:Edited for feedback:
You know, there's how you feel, and there's how big a deal it really would be in an adult relationship.
Point blank, if you're young enough to care about virginity and be a virgin yourself you're inexperienced enough to be insecure.
You want to know she's in the wrong. You want to be told that you're right. You're not going to get what you want. What she did, in all reality, is a tiny white lie in her own defense.
Yeah, she lied. No, it shouldn't have been a big deal enough that she felt like she needed to lie. Yes, YOU made it seem like that big a deal, so she lied.
This is more your fault than hers. You're the one who created expectations. If you want help, see a psychiatrist. If you want decent advice, listen to people older than you when they tell you that your righteous indignation isn't going to do anything but make you feel justified in acting like an asshole over a small lie because you feel betrayed because you're an insecure teenager who's horrified that his girlfriend had sex before he did like it really matters beyond you not wanting to be out-experienced.
Though, I'm starting to wonder why this girl was hung up on you enough to lie in the first place. You guys must be pretty damn young if she's lying to a guy who makes her feel like shit for not being a virgin to stay with him.
:/Edit:
As important as it was to you, six months in she probably didn't know if you'd stay with her. In order for people to be honest you have to be approachable.
Ultimately, you can understand that she was afraid of judgment and understand that the way you act contributed, both learn from it, and be more honest.
Or you can break up over a stupid (small) lie a year and a half old.
But you can't really be all that mad at her. When you tell a non virgin that it's important that she is a virgin, she's got two choices. Lie or risk losing you.
If you go around dictating what other people should be to make you happy or more secure, you can't expect that everyone's going to tell you the truth. Even if you care about them and they care about you.
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I know this will sound crazy but what are good tips for giving a lap dance (link)
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Go to a strip club and watch the professionals. Assuming you're of age to do so.
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I am A 30 year old female in a newer relationship with a 35 year old male. this guy tells me he will call me back right away that he is on another line with his son. he never calls me back. the next morning I asked him why he didnt return the call he said he fell asleep. dont I deserve a txt message or a phone call with an explanation? (link)
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If he does this more than once or twice, stop talking to him. There's really no question about deserving. You either will stand for it, or you won't. If you get all up in arms over the way assholes treat you because you deserve better you're going to get shit all over when said assholes realize you're too busy thinking about what you deserve to actually act like you deserve it, call them assholes, and happily go about your life without their further involvement.
You're 30 years old. You want respect, act like you respect yourself by not tolerating stupid shit like this or letting yourself get worked up over it. The world is full of people who are inconsiderate dicks. People who respect themselves don't come back for more asking "don't I deserve better?" like you can argue him out of his apathy.
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Hello i've been on birth control for about 3 years now and my husband is going to be deployed for a year and we're going to try to have kids when he comes back so i wanted to get off birth control now to help my body become "natural" again. I've been off Yaz birth control for about a month and a half now and i still havent gotten my period. Is this normal? When should i expect it? Anybody else have experiences like this? Thanks in advance!
(link)
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It's pretty normal, but you could probably call your gyno and find out exactly how long you can go without your period after before you should get worried and schedule an appointment.
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Okay, im 17/f and my ex is 20/m. I dated him in 06' when I was 14 and he was 17. Two months of us dating I turned 15, so it was only a two year difference. We dated for 8 months. We broke up because his mom said we had two different maturity levels, and we needed to either break up, or get back together later on. I thought I was in love with him, and he said he was in love with me but everyone said I was too young to know what love is. When we broke up, he pinky promised me that on my graduation day in 2011, that he would propose to me. I believed him.
Every since then, I haven't had a real boyfriend since, its like my heart just doesn't feel like giving anyone an opportunity because I guess it finally found its home with him. During these last 3 years, I have seen my ex here and there. My parents got real attached to him, so he comes over to visit occasionally. I really believe my love for him is real. Everytime I see him, my heart drops, stops, and skips beats, and I get a little nervous inside. I only feel 100% normal and secure when he's hugging me, Im hearing his heartbeat, or he's just holding me. A few months ago, he came over and we sat in his truck, and he was bringing back old memories that I thought he would forget. It made me happy to know that he remembers EVERYTHING. He even remembers the promise he made me, and he also said that he's still in love with me, and after we broke up, he hasnt be able to be with anyone longer than 3 months. He cried to me, for the second time in our whole relatioship, just because he really missed me, and he missed the feeling of being able to be himself 100% and someone love him for it. He promised me that when Im legal (18) he will ask me back out, (therefore his mom can't trip about our age difference) and we can finally be happy again. I turn 18 on November 20th. He still remembers the proposal promise he made me 3 years ago, and he says he still plans to keep it.
He says Im the only girl he's ever been able to look at and his heart stops likes its the first time he's ever seen me.
Im just not too sure if his feelins are real, or if im to young to know what it is, but i do know the way I feel about him, isn't anything you feel for just a friend. (link)
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Yeah, you're too young. You never exited the honeymoon phase of the relationship.
Real relationships take work. At some point, you two would have started fighting about stuff. The fighting would escalate, and you'd come close to or actually break up over it, more than once. You'd either eventually stay broken up or learn how to work together to solve problems, and learn to value the person you're with for their ability to get you, and make a place for you in their lives.
You've never experienced any of that. Not in 8 months. You're a 17 year old who's still pining after her first love.
On the other hand, there's really nothing to be lost by dating him. You'll only ever fully get over him if you do and find out where the relationships natural course ends up. It might last, it probably won't, and either way the world will work itself out pretty much as it should.
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I am 19 years old, and I have been with my boyfriend (21) for the past five years. He has a full time job and I have been working part time while going to college (I am a sophomore).
We both want to move out together in the near future and have been talking a lot about starting a family. When I told him I still hadn't picked up my birth control this month, he told me not to worry about it becase at this juncture in our life he was ready to let whatever is going to happen just happen.
This has kind of thrown me for a loop, because I really want children and I want to have them at a fairly young age. However I also wanted to be settled before starting a family. Unfortunately I plan on getting a Master's degree, which will take at least another three or four years. I definitely don't want to wait that long, but I am worried about how my family and friends would take me getting pregnant now.
I guess my question is if it's irresponsible to have a child now, even though my boyfriend and I both work, go to college, and want to start a family? We still obviously want to finish up our plans, but want to add a baby to the mix.
Thoughts? (link)
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Wait till 25.
Seriously.
I'm 26, my wife is a few years older than you are. Believe me, we've got the same issues under discussion.
Think about it this way. Having kids changes your life entirely. Your priorities are different, your life and daily routine are entirely different. If you have kids at 19 or 20, you'll have exactly that much real life experience to hand them before they have to make the same choices you did to get really good advice.
You really aren't your own person yet. You're not done becoming an adult at 19-22. You need to establish an adult life for yourselves, and for christs sake you need to be married before you have kids.
That's not a moral issue. That's about finances, and the ability to combine resources legally to support the kids.
You've got the right idea. The baby bug hits all serious couples your age. Get through or mostly through college. Don't saddle yourselves with a time commitment you can't handle. You have time in your lives for work, school, or babies. Pick two.
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Do men really care what it looks like "down there"? I'm afraid to have sex because I feel like he will see all the little flaws down there like razor bumps and be grossed out or something. I guess what I really want o know is whether men really carre what it looks like down there. What do most men prefer it too look like?
Btw I'm 17 (link)
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What a guy thinks is more dependent on him than you. Unless you're shaving designs into your pubic hair or something.
Trimmers are great, by the way. You get like a beard trimmer with a guard, and use it instead of shaving. Keeps you short without stubble or razorburn. You can get a really short guard that just keeps it from hurting you and nothing more, the hair will be short but probably still long enough to be soft and not irritate your bikini area.
Helps for bikini trimming if you're a fan of swimsuits during summer.
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hi i know your probly 28 or older now but im 12 and my bf asnd i have been to gether for a while now and well we really love each other and he proposedd to me and well i dont know if i shoudl telll my parents cus i told him yes cus he\'s all i want abd everything and is it to young and well ive only told this to you and another person and i dnt know wat to do were engaged and all but how would i tell my parents and his parents were both engaged and i love him so much my heart skips a beat plz help me and im a female
(link)
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You can't get married in most states until 16 or 18 without a parent's consent. You won't be able to marry him, so there's really no point in telling your parents. Save this story for when you're in your 20s and you can laugh about it.
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20female.
I've always wanted to have sex in the shower ..but isn't it kind of unsafe? I've been on the pill for 3 years now I take it on time every single night ..and usually we wear a condom every time but I don't think it's possible to wear a condom in the shower because it will just come off? What would be the chances of me getting pregnant if we tried it in the shower ..at least just once so I can fulfill this desire :) (link)
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The risk with condoms isn't slipping off, it's that the water can wash away natural lubrication (and artificial lubrication) and increase friction, perhaps breaking the condom.
Pill for 3 years with punctual pill-taking habits means that the chance of pregnancy is incredibly small even with no further protection. With a condom the risk is virtually gone, even if it does break pregnancy is extremely unlikely. I assume STDs aren't a worry.
If you want to be really safe, your pill regulates your period. If you ovulate it'll happen at the end of the second week of pills. Just wait until your period is over and you've been back on the regulars for a day or two and there should be nothing save an act of God that results in a baby.
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Every single thing for ADD symtpoms is true for me. Im very smart but its just so hard to concentrate and due to my extreme procrastination I am very behind on all of my homework. When I try and tell my parents I think I have ADD they don't really take it seriously or they ask if I'd want to be put on pills but I really dont want to because of the crazy side effects. Also they don't know of my extreme procrastination.. I've had this problem for years but now Im 16 and its even worse cause I get harder and more time consuming work every year.. I cant finish work in "all nighters" anymore. I have so much potential and I dont know why I keep doing this. Im very afraid to tell my parents cause they think Im doing fine but they really dont know that everything is horrible.. Im failing 6 out of 8 classes cause of it, I've stayed home from school 2 times to do work (I still end up procrastinating when I do that), and on Friday I was kicked off the volleyball team for 3 weeks since Im failing. I havent told my parents.. they are going to kill me if I do.. I have to finish my work in a week. I have big dreams but this damn lack of concentration is getting in the way of everything I want to do. I just get a high from doing things online.. even if Im not online I still find ways to procrastinate. Yes its being lazy but its not an occasional thing.. its an everyday thing. I guess it started from grade school when I spent longer than most kids to finish work. It doesnt help that I am also a perfectionist. What can I do to fix everything? I HATE doing this to myself and I have so much potential.. Im smart and can handle the honors and college classes im in but Im just doing stupid things, digging myself in a hole of work that seems impossible to get out of. i still have work from the beginning of the marking period, nearly 7 weeks ago
(link)
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As a sufferer myself, sounds about right. Feeling like focusing requires herculean efforts to do things your classmates just do by habit, procrastination, last minute cram sessions or doing everything all at once. I used to do homework the class period before it was due on the day it was due.
Not all the drugs have the same side effects. And side effects vary with personal biochemistry. As someone who needs to get back on Adderol (no health insurance at the moment) I will say the difference between medicated and unmediated is night and day.
I want to go to med school. Straight up, I'll never do it without the drugs. I get in my own way too much. It sucks, but that's the way it is.
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Ive been married just over two years. Were both in our forties. my wife makes three times what i do. shes always harassing me about the time i spend with family and relatives and time/things i try and do with my two boys from my first marriage. she says i dont put her first but she always does according to her. i just found out on my own that she changed her life insurance policy over a year ago to where i get 10% and her family and two grown kids get 90%? Im upset about it and confronted her with her answer being i juust want them to be taking care of and thats it. im seriously thinking about filing for sep. or divorce. any advice on what to do? (link)
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There are bigger problems in your marriage than life insurance. Like lack of communication and trust. Dearcandore picked up correctly.
Honestly, life insurance shouldn't matter. She has her kids, you have yours, and she wants to make sure her kids are taken care of. It's an understandable sentiment.
I have the possibility of inheriting a significant amount from my parents. If they haven't disinherited me my wife and I have already discussed that that money will be saved specifically for our kids. We're starting to work on our own retirement plans together, but the money we get handed down goes to the kids first.
I don't see her thoughts being any different. If you have a problem bring it up. If you want to stay married for any significant further period of time, get to counseling. If you want a divorce get to counseling anyway so you're sure you aren't making a mistake.
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