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My girlfriend told me she was a virgin but she wasn't and lied to me
I am dating this one girl and have been for like 2 years now. She's been a good girl and I love her a lot. The problem is that when we first had sex like 6 months into the relationship she told me she was a virgin. It was and is important to me. And then today I was kidding around with her about she ended up saying she had gave a few guys head and had anal once or twice before me and her got together. Now to me that means she wasn't a complete virgin and it makes me really upset. Im so hurt. I really don't know what to do. I was a virgin before her and it was important to me that she be one too. I know I can't change her past but she flat out lied to me. She knew what I meant by asking if she was a virgin and she kept it from me. Should i brake up with her now? i don't think i can get over this lie. She should have just told me the truth and been honest.
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Maybe give some free advice about: Virginity?
Hello,
This seems like it really hurt you. It would hurt me if someone lied to me about Virginity. I would say that you should end your relationship, isnt she worth the risk ? You should really think about it, as you said you can't get over of this lie, half of me thinks if she lied about being a 100% virgin, what else is she keeping from you ? I would say have a mature one-2-one conversation, try to break the wall that she has there. To be honest Honest is the best policy, but she might have thought if she was honest with you, you might reject her.
Take care.
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Honesty is very important in a relationship and that is understandable to feel hurt and betrayed. You feel like you have doubts now on other questions you might have asked her that she might have lied to you about possibly too. But do not let one lie affect an entire relationship.
It is bad that she lied, but look at the full picture and not just this one small issue. She WAS honest now and told you the truth. And that is what should really matter. Let me throw a scenario at your from my personal experience.
A friend on mine began dating a guy and after 5 months, they began having sex. Before they had sex they started discussing their sex partners and such. At one point he asked her if she had ever done anal. She lied and said no. He eventually found out about her lie from other people 6 months later, and they got in a huge fight over it that almost broke them up. After a couple months of constant fighting and bickering they broke up after her finding out she was pregnant. They decided being together would be too stressful on the baby because all they did was fight, since he could not let her lie go and constantly accused her of hiding things and being dishonest. Now fast forward two years, and they are back together and very happy. Now those two years they spent apart instead of being together was all caused over one stupid lie and their lack of communicating to fix that issue and move on from it. When I asked her why she lied her response was typical of most women/men that lie about sexual experiences: "I was new to the relationship and I knew if I told him I did anal he would probably think I was a slut because that is what most people think of when girls do that, right?" And honestly, she was right. People tend to judge others on their sexual experiences, especially women, so a lot of women lie about their partners and experiences to avoid this (I am not saying it is okay to lie, but I am explaining the reasoning behind it.)
What my friend and her now husband did was communicate with eachother and understand eachothers fears and problems with the lie. They put the past behind them. They were mature enough to address the lie, understand the reasoning behind it, put the real truth on the table, and then put it in their past.
If you really love her then I really think you need to sit her down and explain how you feel and why you feel that way. Then find out why she lied in the beginning and ask about the real truth. Don't turn it into a fight. TALK about it. And after discussing it and understanding her reasoning and learning the truth, agree to have both of you let it go and move on. There is not point dwelling in the past, because if you do, you can never move on to the future. Hope I helped and if you have anymore questions about this or anything else, feel free to message my inbox :)
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:Edited for feedback:
You know, there's how you feel, and there's how big a deal it really would be in an adult relationship.
Point blank, if you're young enough to care about virginity and be a virgin yourself you're inexperienced enough to be insecure.
You want to know she's in the wrong. You want to be told that you're right. You're not going to get what you want. What she did, in all reality, is a tiny white lie in her own defense.
Yeah, she lied. No, it shouldn't have been a big deal enough that she felt like she needed to lie. Yes, YOU made it seem like that big a deal, so she lied.
This is more your fault than hers. You're the one who created expectations. If you want help, see a psychiatrist. If you want decent advice, listen to people older than you when they tell you that your righteous indignation isn't going to do anything but make you feel justified in acting like an asshole over a small lie because you feel betrayed because you're an insecure teenager who's horrified that his girlfriend had sex before he did like it really matters beyond you not wanting to be out-experienced.
Though, I'm starting to wonder why this girl was hung up on you enough to lie in the first place. You guys must be pretty damn young if she's lying to a guy who makes her feel like shit for not being a virgin to stay with him.
:/Edit:
As important as it was to you, six months in she probably didn't know if you'd stay with her. In order for people to be honest you have to be approachable.
Ultimately, you can understand that she was afraid of judgment and understand that the way you act contributed, both learn from it, and be more honest.
Or you can break up over a stupid (small) lie a year and a half old.
But you can't really be all that mad at her. When you tell a non virgin that it's important that she is a virgin, she's got two choices. Lie or risk losing you.
If you go around dictating what other people should be to make you happy or more secure, you can't expect that everyone's going to tell you the truth. Even if you care about them and they care about you.
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She may not have lied to you. In the eyes of many having intercourse is losing virginity where as other sexual acts like the ones you listed are in a grey area.
That may be why she thought she was a virgin and said as much. Also maybe she didn't want to disappoint you or lose you over something that's not that big a deal to some including her. Does this make her a horrible person?
Sure, she could have been honest but virgin or not it doesn't change who she is. If you broke up with her over this than it's really a shame. I would just ask her in the future not to hide anything from you regardless. You can certainly trust her as this doesn't sound blatant to me.
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