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Razhie. Advicenators Member Since: June 13, 2005. Answers: 5077. Visitors: 211514.
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The Question
This is for people who are mental health professionals: I just want to ask should a therapist bring in his skeptiscm when he/she is treating someone. I mean my female cousin was seeing a male therapist who (1)never listens; (2) was hard to open to due to the fact that he never helped solve the problems he just acted the way a friend would. For example: My cousin told her therapist that her boss told her not to do certain things on the job and my cousins male therapist said; why that is the most ridiculous thing I have ever heard. Another example: Her previous boss wanted his old secretary to come back because he missed her so he was very mean to my cousin. However, the male therapist did not help her deal with it instead he said (1) what an SOB or (2) he really hates you. What do you guys think of a therapist like this? PS: She didnt fall apart but she had to deal with any problems that arose in her life on her own she couldnt talk to him.
The Answer
To my knowledge they aren't any mental health professionals active on the site at the moment so I suppose I'll share my insights with you, as someone who has seen a good number of therapists in her life.
I think some problems can't be solved, and sometimes the best thing anyone can do, including a therapist, is just commiserate with the person.
Also, I imagine you weren't actually sitting in on these sessions, so you have no way of knowing if that was all that was actually said, or simply all that your cousin heard. If she dismissed possible solutions out of hand or simply refused to brainstorm solutions on her own, she might have come away feelings as though the therapist had done nothing but sympathize with her when they had in fact tried to do a great deal more and she hadn't been receptive.
In the end though, if your cousin isn't comfortable with her therapist and isn't feeling supported, she should obviously look for another one. There are quite a few out there and sometimes it does simply come down to a personality clash. Most therapists, if you tell them it simply isnâ??t working for you, will gladly give you recommendations of others who they think you might jive with better.
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The Question
I have a question about seepage since me and my girlfriend are worried about her getting pregnant. At the point of orgasm I have a fetish in which I have my girlfriend spread her labia and I ejaculate right on her vaginal area. She says she can get pregnant this way, but I dont believe she can seeing as its not ejaculated inside her. How likely is it?
The Answer
It's quite likely. Sperm is quite tiny dear and can travel through any liquid. Chances are pretty good she aint bone dry when you ejaculate, even if she was, there would still be a damn good chance one of those buggers got inside of her, and inside of her sperm can last for days swimming around, searching for the big prize.
You both might want to look into some form of birth control before engaging in that particular fantasy.
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The Question
I have known this guy for about 5 years, not too well though. Well about a month and a half ago we started having sex and hanging out. He's 21 and I am turning 18 in a week. It was supposed to be all fun and games but I started falling for him. Today we talked and he said he doesnt want to date me because I will be going to college soon and he doesnt want me to miss any experiences.... plus his schedule is hectic and its not fair to me. He said he likes me and we click though. What does all this mean and should I keep hanging out with him or having sex with him? I dont want to lose him. Should I keep trying to be with him? He means SO much to me.
The Answer
Honestly, it means he is bullshiting you and trying to let you down softly.
People who really want to be in a relationship with someone don't worry about them missing out on experiences because they want to be with them. Affection is a bit selfish like that. Plus that he is really busy right and that just isn't fair to you right? Pah, nonsense and a silly excuse. I can work a 60 hour week and still find a scrape of time for the person I'm really into. He might really like you and you probably really do click but he just doesn't want a relationship, for whatever reason, maybe he just doesn't want to be with anyone right now. If he did want to be with you, he'd try and make it work.
You can keep trying to be with him if you want, but he probably isn't going to make it easy, because he simply isn't dedicated to making any sort of relationship work. You'll end up frustrated and hurt, because you'll be working so hard for it, and he wont be.
Stop listening to the kind things he says in effort to not hurt you and not make you angry and start paying attention to what he does. If he seems willing to make time for you, willing to put some effort into being with you, then maybe he will come around, but if he isn't willing to try then it doesn't matter how much he likes you, it aint going to happen.
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The Question
Recently I've been feeling like something is just not right with me.I don't know exactly what it is,but I guess I sort of just feel like there's something weird going on.It's hard to explain.I feel like there's something wrong with my mind,but at the same time that just seems ridiculous and outrageous.I have a doctor's appointment coming up in a few days,so should I ask about it,or should I just let it slide?
Also,is there like some type of test I can take online that will give me a reading of my mental health?I don't care if it's official or not...I know that these things can't take the place of an actual diagnosis.
The Answer
Online questionnaires about mental health are flat out ridiculous. Please don't rely on them or even seek them out, even if you realize they aren't a diagnosis. Don't let them put silly thoughts into your head. It's like asking a rodeo clown what faith you should follow. If they are right, it's nothing but pure dumb luck.
By all means talk to your family doctor. They will have a much better idea of what sort of questions to ask you and are far more qualified then the majority of people who have put togeather online quizzes. Best of all, they actually know you.
In my opinion the only real question you need to ask yourself if you are considering your mental health is "Are my thoughts and reactions to the world around me rational?"
If you are scared of random things for no reason, if you are constantly upset or angry without a cause, if your mind carries you off on illogical tangents about people hating you, or everything going wrong, or aliens stealing your thoughts, then worry about your mental health.
But if you think you are in touch with reality, then look to your diet, your sleeping patterns and your daily life for the reason you are feeling a bit off. It's much more likely you just aren't taking care of your body as well as you should be and your mind is showing the strain.
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The Question
How do you know if your question is deleted? Like in the edit answers section there'll be a sentence telling you that your answer is deleted but what about your question? questions can be deleted if it's stupid or someone already asked that but what if you don't think its stupid or that you didn't see anyone ask that question?
The Answer
That sentence you see by the edit is the reason your question was deleted, not the reason for the answers being deleted. Answers to deleted questions aren't deleted as well, they still show up in user's collumns.
If individual answers are so bad they need to be deleted they just disappear and the columnist who wrote that praticular advice hears about it from a moderator.
If you genuinely don't realize your question is a dumb one, then you have issues no amount of advice will help you with and you better look to them. We let a lot of 'stupid' questions on here, they have to pretty bad to warrant deletion.
If you are repeating a question you can go here: http://www.advicenators.com/qsearch.php
and search for questions like yours. Your question has likely already been asked and answered very well a hundred times.
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The Question
i need help with my boyfriend. i'm sorry it's long but please read i need major help! he told me today that he's been thinkin a lot about our relationship and i don't know what to do. i guess you could say that he is a hypocritical person which isn't good =/ here's the deal: so whenever i hang out with my friends and there are guys there he gets like upset or jealous or whatever emotion he gets.. let's just say he doesn't like it, so i feel guilty for hanging out with them even thought i don't do anything! like he keeps saying that he doesn't trust the guys, but i can defend myself especially with my guys friends and plus they wouldn't try to do anything with me because they know i have a boyfriend(they're basically scared of him because he's strong haha) i've brought my boyfriend to my friends house with me in the past but it doesn't really work because he doesn't really like my friends.. but then he'll hang out with his one friend (whose a girl) and go to the mall with her & to her house and he doesn't think anything of it, if i was to do the same thing he'd probably get mad. i don't care because i know he won't do anything with her. also, this weekend he had a hockey game and his friend ryan's* girlfriend drove him there. ryan* was in the car also. i don't have a problem with this at all, i couldn't go because i was skiing this weekend... then i find out that ryan*'s cousin also went (who is a girl), i was looking at his myspace and saw that he messeged her (the cousin) saying something like; thanks for coming to my game and i had fun hanging out with you so thank you for that, but my boyfriend didn't tell me until i asked him about it, 3 days later & he said he didn't really have fun with them. yeah you're prob thinking 3 days later big deall, but if i don't tell him i'm with guys that day or earlier i'm screwed. so you see what situation i'm in? im sorry it's long but i could REALLY use any help!!! thank you.
The Answer
It seems like your gut is telling you this isn't working and that he is being unreasonable. You are young and have no reason to stick it out in a relationship where a guy is controlling and flakey. And he is being controlling! He knows exactly the effect his pointless anger and judgments are having on you. You are nervous and insecure for no reason and that isn’t right at all.
You are willing to compromise, be reasonable and talk these issues out and well, he isn’t. Do you really want a relationship where you have to walk on eggshells around your boyfriend?
Sounds to me dear, like you just plain aren’t happy with the hypocrite. I wouldn’t be either.
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The Question
I live in New Jersey. With a Provisional License at age 17, am I able to drive out of state (particularly into NY) legally?
Some people tell me they can, and some they cant. What do you guys know?
Thanks, Adam.
The Answer
This site, http://www.nydmv.state.ny.us/license.htm, the State Of New York's DMV offical site.
Scroll down and read:
Learner Permits and Junior Licenses From Another State
You are allowed to drive, but there are many, many restrictions on where and when you are allowed to drive. For instance, you are not allowed to drive between 9PM and 5AM. Make sure you know the rules.
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The Question
I'm a female teenager and I had sex for my first time yesterday and down there is in a little bit of pain, is that normal?
The Answer
A little bit of soreness or discomfort isn't unusual, but if the pain persists or anything else seems wrong, go see a doctor.
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The Question
i hooked up with this guy on sunday like four or five times. since we didn't have school yesterday, I didn't see him until today. the horrible thing is, we didn't even talk, look at eachother, or even ackknowledge eachother! it was so awkward and I felt really really bad. maybe he just used me to hook up with him. i dont know. i really want to talk to him though. should i comfront him or wait for him to comfront me? what should i say? i have no clue since this is the first time it has happened to me. this day has been so bad because of it.
The Answer
Start with 'Hi'.
Seriously. Awkwardness only gets more awkward until someone refuses to let it keep growing.
Do yourself a favor and decide that first thing you do when you see him tomorrow is say "Hey you!" in a friendly, clear voice, then don't worry about this anymore this evening. You can't possibly know what he might be thinking. He could be desperately in love with you and just too shy to say anything or he could be ashamed, or he could have just been using you. Right now nothing you worry about is going to bring you any closer to the truth, so let it go.
See where it goes from hello. If nothing else, it will let him know that no matter what he is thinking, you are a confident and secure female. Even if you never speak of it agian. You will have proven to him, and everyone else, that you are prefectly cool with everything.
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The Question
so i was told its not a good idea to PLAN to get/use the morning after pill. why is this? my boyfriend and i are both virgins and it was a mutual decision that we wanted 2 forms of protection.. a condom and a pill.. or else no sex would be performed. however i have no way of getting birth control [my mom wont let me be put on it bc she thinks when i do ill jus be havin sex all the time ((talking to her does nothing trust me ive tried)), and wont take me to a gyno ((honestly im not too fond of the idea of going either lol!))] so the morning after pill would be my only other option. what would it hurt to use it? and do you really have to be 18 to get it at like walmart or wherever? i looked it up but got different confusing answers.
also if i were to get birth control from like a planned parenthood or whatever.. say if i used it for a month, had sex, then didnt use it again, would i still be protected? cuz they only give you enough for one month right?
sry i know its alot. 16 female.
The Answer
When the FDA approved Plan B for over the counter in 2006, they only approved it for women 18 and over. Unless that has changed, and Iâ??m rather sure it hasnâ??t, you arenâ??t able to get it without a prescription.
But there are really a whole slew of reasons not too use it the way you were planning too:
1.) They are expensive. $30 to $50 each time. If you have that kind of money you are far wealthier teen then I ever was.
2.) They aren't designed to be used as a normal contraceptive. They are designed for "Oh my god! We were using protection but there was an accident so let's cover our bases just in case." They are for emergency use only, and aren't reliable as a regular contraceptive.
3.)This is the big reason though: Plan B SHOULD NEVER BE USED MORE THEN ONCE A MONTH, and they shouldn't even be used that often. The pharmacist will ask you if you have used it before and when. Using it too often could seriously harm you. Using it even a few times a year, could cause you some health problems and put you at risk.
4.) It has nasty side effects. Nausea, bleeding, headaches and cramps to name a few. It will likely cause you to be sick for a day.
I'm sorry dear; no self respecting doctor or pharmacist would recommend you consider using it as a normal contraceptive. It's a plainly bad idea. Figure out something else, or wait to have sex. It wont kill ya.
As for the second part. Yes, if you used it as directed, began it at the proper time and used up all the pills correctly, you would be protected until the beginning of the placebos, or when you period starts.
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The Question
What is a laugh-out-loud funny (yet approiate) broadway type song for a girl to sing?
Thank you.
The Answer
Don't Tell Mama - Cabaret (Not exactly appropriate but still...
Popular - Wicked
Taylor the Latte Boy (not actually from a musical, but hilarious)
Diva's Lament - Spamalot
Adelaide's Lament - Guys and Dolls
Marry the Man Today - Guys and Dolls
That'll Show Him - A Funny Thing Happened on the Way to the Forum
I Feel Pretty - West Side Story
You Can Always Count on Me - City Of Angels
I'm Not Getting Married Today - Company
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The Question
I'm kind of confused about what I believe in. You see, my family and I don't go to church because my parents want me to make my own decision about what religion I want to be, even though they are Catholic. But I'm not really sure about what religion I am. I'm a strong believer in karma and that things eventually even out and that people get what they deserve eventually(although that's not how it seems to be working out in my life right now...) but anyways, I believe in God but I believe in karma, too. Is that like a contradiction? Can you believe in both? Just a thought.
The Answer
Being a theist, which is the fancy word for believing in a single, conscious, creative entity, and believing and karma isn't any sort of rational problem. I don't see why you can’t do that.
However, believing in any semantic God, and by that I mean any Christian, Jewish or Muslim understanding of God, in the strictest sense wouldn’t really allow for the idea of karma. In those religions, I’m quite sure the formal understanding is that you have God's will and that justice is something God dispenses after death. The world of doesn’t have any living has no real justice in it.
Now I know somebody is going argue with me on that, but the basis of the dogma and philosophy about justice in those religions as far as anything I’ve ever read is that justice is a virtue of God and although human beings try to emulate it, true and complete justice can only be dispensed by God after you die. That is philosophically one of the main ways semantic religions deal with the question "Why is there evil in the world?" The idea of karma, where everything sorts itself out in the end and balance is achieved wouldn’t jive with that philosophy. It would remove on of 'God's' main functions in those religions. Instead, any sort of things that looked like karma in the world would either be considered a direct result of someone's sin or simply the will of God.
So basically, as long you don’t claim to be a Jew and believe in karma, I wouldn't have any argument with you. Even if you did claim to follow on of those religions and believe in karma I wouldn’t really have a problem with you, I'd just say I don't think you've thought it through, because the two philosophies do not blend well at all.
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The Question
My dog Bear is a mix bread of a German-Shepered and Black Lab, and ever sence Christmas she's been slipping, sliding, falling on our hard wood floor and she can't get up by herself.She's 12 years old which is old for a dog but she's mine!She has to protect us!She can't leave.....I've seen this happen before to a friends dog and she ended up putting him down but I don't want to put Bear through pain.She's always been here...I was like 2 when we got her and she's apart of the family.I'm crying just asking this but if she doesn't get better I-- I always wanted her to be here to slink around rooms and check on us, Im afraid im ganna come home and she'll be gone(past away).How do I help her?Both of her back legs give out and slide right out from under her....
It's kinda not a question but
Ill miss her
The Answer
If your dog is in such pain that she is falling down and can’t get herself back up, it is time to take her to a veterinarian and accept that they are going to recommend putting her down.
Bear is in pain. She isn’t going to get better. The more you demand of her the more pain she will have to suffer through. Don’t be selfish. Don’t let her suffer just because you want her all to yourself.
Of course you'll miss her and you'll cry for her, but those aren't good enough reasons to let her live in constant pain.
So take her to the vet, or encourage your parents to take her, and accept she probably doesn't have a lot of time let, so make it specail for her.
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The Question
34/f
I have a friend who is divorcing her husband. We became friends through church, while the two were still together. They have two children together who are my child's closest friends.
Before they separated, 'Renee' showed me a lot of stuff, asking what she should do. They included e-mails her husband, 'Sam,' had sent on their joint computer, trying to entice women from other states to come have sex with him. He wrote
very detailed, intimate fantasies and sent naked pictures of himself. This wasn't the first time.
Back to the story, they are separated, but they share the custody of their girls. Because our girls are friends, I still see Sam occasionally.
When I do, he makes icky comments and does things like taking pictures of me without asking. I feel uncomfortable around him. Mike (my hubby) can't stand him either. The most explicit thing he's ever said to me, I think, is asking, in regards to the movie The Secretary, which I told him I had never seen, whether I was "into that sort of thing." It's a movie about an S&M relationship between a boss and his secretary.
He often e-mails, calls, or mentions when we see him (last was Christmas) that he wants to get together with us sometime when he has the girls. He suggests dinner at his house or outings to
the science museum, etc. We always politely decline. Either we have other plans or we're not able to commit to a date. He keeps trying. They've been separated for 9 months now and we've been trying to avoid him longer than that.
So, do you think we're going to need to tell this dude to buzz off in no uncertain terms? I don't want to make it Renee's problem. She has enough on her mind. I don't want to be mean, but he should know that I see her probably every week
and we get the girls together about every 2 weeks. We never invite him along. What do you think? Would it be less cruel to explain to Sam that I'm Renee's friend and don't wish to hang out with him? Think he'll get the hint eventually?
The Answer
Eventually? Sure, but who wants to wait any longer.
Tell him you’d like to remain civil and pleasant for the sake of daughter’s friendships you are not interested in being his friend or going out as a group. You don’t need to mention Renee in this at all. This is about your comfort level and what you want, not about anything she has asked you to do.
It’s becoming a matter of being cruel to be kind. The man has probably lost most of his friends in the divorce, rightly or wrongly, and is trying to hold on to you and your family. He needs to understand that that is not going to happen so he can move on and look for another social circle.
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The Question
this is a random question but me and
my friends are debating over it. who
do the 5 Great Lakes belong to? The
U.S.A or Canada??? I know Lake Michigan
is in the U.S and the rest are in Canada
but wh country do they belong to?
The Answer
Neither.
Only Lake Michigan is contained entirely within US borders, the other four lakes all straddle the border, with both Canadian and American shores. They are considered international inland seas, if you want to get really technical. The sharing of those lakes is outlined in the The Boundary Waters Treaty of 1909 and the 1987 Great Lakes Water Quality Agreement.
Most of those treaties include Lake Michigan. Even though it is entirely contained in the US boarders, it's part of the shared water system, so both nations are still invested and concerned. Draining, selling or pumping of the water from the Great Lakes causes a lot of disagreement and public outcry each time it is threatened, especially since they are a shared resource containing almost 20% of the worldâ??s fresh water supply. In the last ten years there are been several more agreements between different levels of Canadian and US governments to try and regulate against abusive water withdrawal.
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The Question
DearAdvicenters,
Christmas means a lot to me and I have always tried to make it a happy day for my family. I decorate the house, put up a tree, my husband cooks for a big family get-together, and of course the exchanging of presents. This tradition has become problematic.
There is definitely a sense of entitlement on the part of the boys. (One is 16 and the other 20). They are “entitled” to a big and expensive Christmas. They want to know how much things cost; they complain that they didn’t get as much as the year before; they complain one got more than the other or the presents they did get don’t really qualify to be “special” Christmas gifts. They complain that my husband and I spend more on each other than on them. And to top it off, although I say it doesn’t have to be expensive and can even be handmade, they don’t always even contribute gifts to each other or to my husband and I themselves.
It is extremely difficult however to “tone down” Christmas. When December approaches, I get sentimental and I strive to have that Norman Rockwell Christmas where every face around the tree is happy and glowing. I can’t stand the feeling of guilt that I will have if I haven’t at least tried to give them a wonderful Christmas. Perhaps this stems from the fact that my mother was depressed when I was growing up, but she always seemed to rally around the holidays and, as a result, I got the attention that I sometimes lacked during the year.
II would be really sad to give up the family gift-opening on Christmas morning. The older son has received the benefit of these plentiful Christmases until he is 21 so I feel that the younger one deserves the same until he is 21. At the same time, I know in my heart that this just isn’t working and has to be changed. Please help! I've got a Christmas Conundrum.
The Answer
I think with all your good intentions and high hopes you are having a bit of trouble focusing on the only actual problem: Your boy’s sense of entitlement.
No one is entitled to a perfect Christmas the way they are entitled to not be beaten by the police. It isn't something you get simply by virtue of being the wonderful person you are. The experience is a gift you’ve been giving them all their lives and though they may now feel that they deserve it, their ungrateful behavior rather clearly illustrates how undeserving they are.
They actually complain about how much their parents spend on each others gifts? I have to tell you hun, if I were dating either of your boys I would dump them for that kind of behavior. That is completely unacceptable and I wouldn’t want to be friends with or be with a guy who thought people in his life ‘owed’ him like that.
I have trouble believing this is a problem that occurs only in the weeks of December, and if they step out into the real world with those kinds of beliefs the real world is going to laugh in their faces and punch them in the gut. You are not going to be around forever to provide for them, so swallow your pride and smother your own emotional baggage about the holiday and give your boys what developing young adults actually need: A reality check.
If you enjoy Christmas and it is still manageable for you keep the things you can all enjoy together as big as ever, big dinners and breakfasts and plenty of treats for the whole family. BUT encourage the boys to participate in the decorating and food preparation. If they don’t, don’t be afraid to start crossing things off your list, such as, without help it will be ice cream for dessert not homemade pie. Try to tailor these losses to their interests. So, if one really loves his mash potatoes, do not be afraid to cross them off the menu is he refuses to peal the potatoes.
If they complain, and they likely will, welcome them to family living, where if one person refuses to help out, everybody suffers. You might suggest to them what would happen to their lives if you or your husband decided you had better things to do then go to work.
As for gifts, although the surprise on Christmas morning is delightful, you might want to try instead telling the boys, or discussing with them, what they would like for Christmas beforehand. That way, you’ve already had the discussion about reasonable limits before the big day, and you can still surprise them with a few other smaller unexpected gifts. This conversation, even better if they both of them are in the room at once, can also include a bit of discussion about expectations for helping out during the holiday as well. This way there are no surprises expect for pleasant one, and inappropriate behavior can be dealt with gently beforehand.
The boys are getting the impression they are entitled to this from you. You don’t ‘owe’ the younger one something just because the elder got it. It’s perfectly ‘fair’ to begin to scale down Christmas and change the expectations; it is simply not ‘the same’. Just make sure they know what is coming and don’t back down! You are doing them and yourself a favor by changing this distructive patern.
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The Question
i dont see why when we give people advice that they dont want to hear, they rate us low. i think that we deserve better than that because we took time out of our lives to try to help them. why give us 1's for fairly good answers that arnt what you expected? does anyone have an opinion on this?!
-WoahThereBabe ♥
The Answer
Answers that receive a 1 rating should be god-awful, unbelievable bad, abusive, insulting answers.
One's received for advice a questioner simply does not agree with or like SHOULD BE REPORTED.
It is RATINGS ABUSE to rate someone a 1 unless their answer is harmful, abusive, or wholly inappropriate in some other way. If a questioner regularly doles out 1's just because they don't like what they hear moderators will contact them.
So in short, if someone rates you an unfair 1, report them. The only way the moderators can correct that behavoir is if you help them out and report it.
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The Question
I burned myself on one of those mini-ovens while heating up some pizza. It hurt a lot at first, but went away after a few seconds. Now (about 1 and a half hours later), it's sort of throbbing and hurts. Any advice?
The Answer
Do NOT put ice on it.
Never put ice on a burn, it only further damages the nerves and makes the pain worse and last longer. Get a cloth insteed and soak it in some cool water (not cold water) and apply the cloth to area. That should take the pain away. 1st degree burns like that take two or three days to heal completely, so it will still be sensitive, but a cool cloth should relieve any immediate pain.
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The Question
My boyfriend knows that I HATE when he drinks. My mom used to be an abusive alcoholic. So he understands.
I`m spending New Years with him, and a bunch of his friends are over & their playing video games. I was taking a shower, and when I got downstairs I was in the kitchen and I overheard his room mate say, "Go get a beer!" & My boyfriend was like, "Well, you know... I just can't. The girlfriend!" So now I`m mad because I`m sitting upstairs in his room being bored while everyone else is downstairs enjoying themselves. I don`t want to be around a drunk & I hate it. I just don`t fit in either. I`m 16 & my boyfriend is 22. =[ Not a good combo. Is it okay that I`m mad though?
Thanks a bunch.
The Answer
What exactly are you mad about?
He turned down the drink, and instead of thinking "Well that was sweet of him. I know he likes to drink, but he respects me enough not to do it because it makes me uncomfortable." You got upset and pouted in your room. You punished him for doing a good, respectful thing!
Am I missing something here?
You can't forbid the boy from ever drinking agian. That is not right, not fair, and a very good way to find yourself single. You can ask him not to drink or be drunk around you. That he has done. Sounds like a nice guy to me.
If you don't want to be around his friends if they are drinking, then you need to leave. You don't have any say in what they do.
I honestly don't understand why you didn't trot downstairs, kiss your boyfriend on the cheek and say "Thanks honey. It's really means a lot to me that you'd pass up a drink to make me happy."
You have had a bad experience with alcohol. I can understand and appreciate that. But it doesn’t mean you get to punish your boyfriend every time someone around him mentions beer. You have to respect him and have more compassion for him then that. Being mad at him because his roommate mentioned beer is just irrational honey and that is something you need to work on.
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The Question
This is really really iffy. My family obviously thinks that: homosexuals are a disgrace and they're ruining the world and that they should die before they spread their "diseas" to other people and I know that's complete bs. I'm in 9th grade and my friends who I'm going to talk about are in 9th and 10th grade. I'm bi and I have about 10 bi friends and 3 gay friends. I can't tell my family the truth about all my friends because they'll say "You are not to associate with them in any way shape or form..stay away from them" etc and I won't be able to hang out with them anymore. My best friend who is gay and I are really close along with my other gay friend. I can't go over to their houses at all alon ebecause my mom thinks they'll stone me and rape me. And I can't say that they're gay and so either way I can't hang out with my gay guy friends. I like this girl at school and I want to ask her out but that's complicated because I have some friends at school that know and will tell my sister if they found out about my orientation. So I really don't know what to do. I can't talk about it with my family because they'll just get mad at me and yell at me for being a heretic from the family...and I'm just frustrated with this situation because I'm so tied down...what do I do?!?!
The Answer
The simple brutal truth of the universe is this: Your family is not going to change.
They will always think homosexuality is wrong. You can yell, you can scream, you can fight them and argue logically with them, you can take them to counseling and hand the pamphlets and try everything under the sun to convince them otherwise and they will probably never budge an inch.
Make your peace with that fact now, and you will save yourself a lot on angst.
I know most people say “Your parents will love you anyways” or “They will get used to idea.” and maybe your family will. But realistically, a lot of families don’t. When I start hearing things like ‘they should all die before they spread their diseases’ I don’t hold out much hope for reluctant acceptance. If your family has declared war on homosexuality the best thing you can do is refuse to fight.
The good news is as you get older and more independent, it gets easier to deal with your family. Your sexuality is not something to fight over. It’s a fact as benign as your hair colour. Don’t let it become something to war over.
You don’t need discuss your sexuality with them if you don’t want to. You absolutely DO NOT have to discuss the sexuality of your friends. That is plainly none of their business.
Yes, you are tied down by their intolerance. Living under their roof might mean not dating the same sex until you move out, or at least until you get older and they have less say in what you do and where you go. At best, you may be able to strike up a happy relationship with someone who understands the boundaries you are faced with by your family. But at fourteen, you are probably stuck either sitting back and waiting, keeping it on the down low or getting labeled the enemy in their pointless war.
It’s not about hiding though; it’s about refusing to fight a battle you can’t possibly win.
Have strength dear. This too can be endured. Don’t let the present destroy you. Keep an eye to the future and a tidy escape.
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