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Spoiled sons at Christmas
DearAdvicenters,
Christmas means a lot to me and I have always tried to make it a happy day for my family. I decorate the house, put up a tree, my husband cooks for a big family get-together, and of course the exchanging of presents. This tradition has become problematic.
There is definitely a sense of entitlement on the part of the boys. (One is 16 and the other 20). They are “entitled” to a big and expensive Christmas. They want to know how much things cost; they complain that they didn’t get as much as the year before; they complain one got more than the other or the presents they did get don’t really qualify to be “special” Christmas gifts. They complain that my husband and I spend more on each other than on them. And to top it off, although I say it doesn’t have to be expensive and can even be handmade, they don’t always even contribute gifts to each other or to my husband and I themselves.
It is extremely difficult however to “tone down” Christmas. When December approaches, I get sentimental and I strive to have that Norman Rockwell Christmas where every face around the tree is happy and glowing. I can’t stand the feeling of guilt that I will have if I haven’t at least tried to give them a wonderful Christmas. Perhaps this stems from the fact that my mother was depressed when I was growing up, but she always seemed to rally around the holidays and, as a result, I got the attention that I sometimes lacked during the year.
II would be really sad to give up the family gift-opening on Christmas morning. The older son has received the benefit of these plentiful Christmases until he is 21 so I feel that the younger one deserves the same until he is 21. At the same time, I know in my heart that this just isn’t working and has to be changed. Please help! I've got a Christmas Conundrum.
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What YSGirl said. Make a donation to a charity in their names. Bring football gear so you can survive their ensuing temper tantrums. :-)
Then, after they've finished, drag them down to a local soup kitchen and sign them up as volunteers. Do it a couple of days AFTER Christmas: these places have lots of help around holidays and struggle the rest of the time. Believe me, nothing teaches gratitude like seeing a starving person eat.
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Step One: Tell Them Nicely To Stop Complaining
Step Two: Take it back ;) [wink] and make them think you actually took it back, (everything they're complaining about) and when you see improvement in gratefulness, give it back.
Good luck.
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Hey, you don't owe them anything. They aren't entitled to anything. You and your husband deserve to buy each other special, expensive gifts. You've been married a long time and raised children for years.
This is something they need to learn, or they will walk into the real world expecting everything to be given to them on a silver platter.
If I were in your position, this is what I would do come next Christmas:
"My dearest children, I am so happy to inform you that this year holds a special treat for you.
This year, I am giving you the most special gift of all, the gift of giving. You will give the presents under the tree to the needy children at the Salvation Army this year.
You will see how much a simple gift can warm the heart of someone who receives nothing on a daily and yearly basis, unlike yourselves.
You will receive the gift of learning what Christmas is about, that it is better to give than receive. For, if there were no giving, there would be no Christmas to celebrate.
You will receive the gift of learning that Christmas is not about you, what you want, or what you are getting. It does not revolve around you. It is about taking the time to care for your fellow man.
You will learn that it will be this way next year and the year after until you have learned these values."
Now this would be a true Rockwellian Christmas. "Give me, give me, me, me, I want this, I want that, this isn't what I wanted, more, more" is not even a Christmas.
I may sound cruel and heartless to you. I may be cruel and heartless, I don't know. I don't think I am.
I do know it would be cruel and heartless to allow them to continue thinking that life is about others giving them what they want when they want it and that's it. They don't want to go out into the cruel and heartless world thinking they are owed or entitled anything, they just don't realize it yet. They need a good, stern lesson in life.
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I think with all your good intentions and high hopes you are having a bit of trouble focusing on the only actual problem: Your boy’s sense of entitlement.
No one is entitled to a perfect Christmas the way they are entitled to not be beaten by the police. It isn't something you get simply by virtue of being the wonderful person you are. The experience is a gift you’ve been giving them all their lives and though they may now feel that they deserve it, their ungrateful behavior rather clearly illustrates how undeserving they are.
They actually complain about how much their parents spend on each others gifts? I have to tell you hun, if I were dating either of your boys I would dump them for that kind of behavior. That is completely unacceptable and I wouldn’t want to be friends with or be with a guy who thought people in his life ‘owed’ him like that.
I have trouble believing this is a problem that occurs only in the weeks of December, and if they step out into the real world with those kinds of beliefs the real world is going to laugh in their faces and punch them in the gut. You are not going to be around forever to provide for them, so swallow your pride and smother your own emotional baggage about the holiday and give your boys what developing young adults actually need: A reality check.
If you enjoy Christmas and it is still manageable for you keep the things you can all enjoy together as big as ever, big dinners and breakfasts and plenty of treats for the whole family. BUT encourage the boys to participate in the decorating and food preparation. If they don’t, don’t be afraid to start crossing things off your list, such as, without help it will be ice cream for dessert not homemade pie. Try to tailor these losses to their interests. So, if one really loves his mash potatoes, do not be afraid to cross them off the menu is he refuses to peal the potatoes.
If they complain, and they likely will, welcome them to family living, where if one person refuses to help out, everybody suffers. You might suggest to them what would happen to their lives if you or your husband decided you had better things to do then go to work.
As for gifts, although the surprise on Christmas morning is delightful, you might want to try instead telling the boys, or discussing with them, what they would like for Christmas beforehand. That way, you’ve already had the discussion about reasonable limits before the big day, and you can still surprise them with a few other smaller unexpected gifts. This conversation, even better if they both of them are in the room at once, can also include a bit of discussion about expectations for helping out during the holiday as well. This way there are no surprises expect for pleasant one, and inappropriate behavior can be dealt with gently beforehand.
The boys are getting the impression they are entitled to this from you. You don’t ‘owe’ the younger one something just because the elder got it. It’s perfectly ‘fair’ to begin to scale down Christmas and change the expectations; it is simply not ‘the same’. Just make sure they know what is coming and don’t back down! You are doing them and yourself a favor by changing this distructive patern.
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