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hanger-on
34/f
I have a friend who is divorcing her husband. We became friends through church, while the two were still together. They have two children together who are my child's closest friends.
Before they separated, 'Renee' showed me a lot of stuff, asking what she should do. They included e-mails her husband, 'Sam,' had sent on their joint computer, trying to entice women from other states to come have sex with him. He wrote
very detailed, intimate fantasies and sent naked pictures of himself. This wasn't the first time.
Back to the story, they are separated, but they share the custody of their girls. Because our girls are friends, I still see Sam occasionally.
When I do, he makes icky comments and does things like taking pictures of me without asking. I feel uncomfortable around him. Mike (my hubby) can't stand him either. The most explicit thing he's ever said to me, I think, is asking, in regards to the movie The Secretary, which I told him I had never seen, whether I was "into that sort of thing." It's a movie about an S&M relationship between a boss and his secretary.
He often e-mails, calls, or mentions when we see him (last was Christmas) that he wants to get together with us sometime when he has the girls. He suggests dinner at his house or outings to
the science museum, etc. We always politely decline. Either we have other plans or we're not able to commit to a date. He keeps trying. They've been separated for 9 months now and we've been trying to avoid him longer than that.
So, do you think we're going to need to tell this dude to buzz off in no uncertain terms? I don't want to make it Renee's problem. She has enough on her mind. I don't want to be mean, but he should know that I see her probably every week
and we get the girls together about every 2 weeks. We never invite him along. What do you think? Would it be less cruel to explain to Sam that I'm Renee's friend and don't wish to hang out with him? Think he'll get the hint eventually?
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Want to answer more questions in the Relationships category?
Maybe give some free advice about: Friendship?
Sounds like this guy bullies his way into what he wants, so I wouldn't worry about HIS feeliigs. Take care of yourself and your friend, and tell him your loyalty is with her, and you're not available to socialize with him. He'll move on and find someone else to manipulate.
Good luck!!....................m
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This guy obviously has sexual addiction problems, is selfish, rude, obnoxious, a liar...should I go on? So why are you and your husband going out of your way to protect his feelings when he does not give a rat's butt about anyone else's? He clearly oversteps boundaries and invades other's privacy. I would not trust him around any of my children anyway and would not expose them to being around his perversions. Maybe he limits his illicit behavior to only adults, but come on...are you willing to bet on it with your kids? You don't have to explain anything to this guy. What you need to do is read a book on standing up for yourself and protecting your boundaries from those that manipulate by overstepping them. You need to be a stronger example and protector of your children. This guy is not who you should be protecting. I have a feeling he will not fall apart if you stop be-friending him. He will just find other people to run over.
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Wowo
OK so you shoukd (in my opinion) tell the dude to buzz off. Sendin thse nasty pictures n e-mailing other women is NASSSTTYYY. Dont let it be Renee's problem, she's fine.
If tellin the dude to buzz off doesnt work, get yous hubby to beat him up. (hahah just kidding)
-YOLIV
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I agree with the others that its time to tell him that your loyalty lies with Renee. There will be no socializing with him.
I wouldn't put up with him taking pictures of you without your permission, or making nasty minded comments to you either.
The guy sounds like he has a problem. The picture taking bothers me and I don't want to scare you needlessly, since I don't have the whole picture, but please, try not to see this guy alone. The pictures, the comments...Just use caution. Since he has been a friend in the past you may not be doing that.
I hate even saying that because I don't like to
make people worry about something that may not even be anything. I think maybe its creeping you out though. Don't be afraid to listen to your instincts where this guy is concerned. :)
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I think that so far you are doing the right thing by not hanging with him, and letting your husband know. But with you just declining invitations, and himstill asking you means that he is persistent. I think that you should set boundaries. Let him know that you are very good friends with Renee, then tell him you can not go out unless you are with your whole family, and he agrees to stop being inappropriate. Let him know that you are serious.
Hope that helped
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Eventually? Sure, but who wants to wait any longer.
Tell him you’d like to remain civil and pleasant for the sake of daughter’s friendships you are not interested in being his friend or going out as a group. You don’t need to mention Renee in this at all. This is about your comfort level and what you want, not about anything she has asked you to do.
It’s becoming a matter of being cruel to be kind. The man has probably lost most of his friends in the divorce, rightly or wrongly, and is trying to hold on to you and your family. He needs to understand that that is not going to happen so he can move on and look for another social circle.
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if after nine months he hasn't gotten a hint...
I think it's time to tell him to "buzz off." You could also tell him that you think maybe seeing him (as a friend) would hurt Reneee, and that you don't want to put her through that when she already has stuff on her mind.
Or you could give him another chance and tell him what you feel about his inappropiate behavoir and that you will not go with him anywhere unless he stops. (taking pictures of you, asking you intimate qestions, etc.)
hope i helped
xo
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