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Life is an adventure but Life doesn't come with user manuals for everything. School subjects do little to prepare us. Its no wonder we all need helpful advice sometimes. Blessings to you!

advice

I talk to this girl a lot and get along well- and just from speaking to her on Instagram- I've realised we have a lot in common- we even came across each other via the same interest. I'd love to start a relationship with her- issue is, she's in a whole other country (she's American, whereas I'm in the UK), I've never actually personally met her, have spoken to her through Instagram Live though so know what she looks and sounds like (so I know she's not a catfish or anything) and also I thought long-distance relationships have some sort of connection to bad luck. I genuinely think she could be the perfect fit for me though, because:

We both came across each other through the same interest, Strictly Come Dancing (well, the American version, Dancing with the Stars in her case)- and also both having fan accounts for the show.
She's mentioned on a few occasions that she doesn't wear makeup; I also generally prefer natural beauty myself.
We both have quite a bizarre sense of humour.
We're both quite shy and reserved but express ourselves through social media.
She's never dated anyone before- just had crushes
She never really had that many friends either; and scarily coincidentally, her best friend since they were young kids kind of abandoned her too (which is exactly something which happened to me)
We also both think that there are too many idiots on Twitter (e.g. those who generalise certain groups as being evil- we both agree that those tweets could affect the mental health of the groups in question).
We both get nervous easily.

Now, having all of these things in common is just plain strange- I think she could be the perfect fit for me, but am unsure how to start a long distance relationship. Any tips? and also do you think that she'd be a good relationship for me?

After a divorce from first husband, I realized I was a social person and would not do well alone so I went on dating sites, not the same as you might use, as I am from an older generation. I even did lost of chatting and found some guys who seemed to have so much in common with me, we loved how each other thought and analysed things and so on. I had put a limit on how far the guy could be so it was never more than a certain amount of hours travel by car.

What I found out is the one thing people don't really think about in the equation. All those things in common is only one part, the part where friendship can blossom. And successful couple relationships do need the best friends part. However they also need the chemistry of attraction and desire. It happended to me several times, thinking I was going on a date to finally meet the guy of my dreams face to face. Yet when we met, there was no chemistry. In fact, in one case, we had just been seated at our table when the guy said to me, "this isn't going to work, is it? and I sadly had to agree because I didn't feel that excitement in his presence. It was as if the person who wrote me on line and what I felt for that person was a totally different person than the one I was sitting with in person. Later when I met my second husband, the attraction was there but also a deep friendship bloomed at the same time and we've been together now 11 years.
He and I met on line. However after we both learned that what we experience and feel on line only can be misleading, we both were all for meeting in person asap, using the computer and dating service only as a way to get to know about each others existence. I moved in with him a month after meeting him in person and were married shortly after than.

So what I have learned from my own experience is that the person you fall for on line may or may not have the chemistry needed for the romantic and sexual side of the relationship. And here is where people get led astray by something called New Relationship Energy. this is an energy you feel from just the excitement of having found someone, even if they aren't the one for one, you end up feeling what seems like chemistry but is more like the excitement as a kid when you got just what you wnated for Christmas. Then as time passes, that toy or whatever, was something you lost interest in and you never engaged again. Its like that with people, assuming what they feel upon meeting is chemistry when its only New relationship energy which is as strong as the real thing, feels like it but fades and dies quickly thereafter so in weeks, months or a year, you realize this person just doesn't do it for you anymore.

So what I am saying is that if you are so sure this might be the one for you, that one of you will need to visit the other and get a feel to see what your impression is after spending time with them. The only LDR's that tend to work best are those where the couple met and were a couple before being separated, such as one going into the military or off to college. Otherwise, they dont work too well.
I have also heard from guys while I was dating that they were thankful I looked like the pcis I posted. Many had agreed to meet and the girl had posted flase photos, not of herself because she had too low a self image. I also heard from women who had met a guy, he moved but they were waiting til she finished college to join him. So they had an LDR, intending to get together but in the meanwhile, some other girl who was in his area, a real flesh and blood woman compared to a memory and typing online, was able to catch his attention over his LDR girlfriend and he began to date others all while the gal on line didn't find out til the end, having wasted so much time saving herself for him when he'd already lost interest. And seeing ones face on line is not the same as being able to be in their arms, feel their hugs and kisses and cuddles and more. Unfortunately the pandemic puts a kink into this and you must go on a while like this til its over. But when it is, I suggest you meet to see if you have the something more that you need to be more than just friends. I've been honest with you. this is all for real, not stuff I made up to discourage you. I can't possibly know if she'd make a good partner for you because of what I just explained. And as for tips, there aren't any on how to have an LDR, only tips on how to not fall into a dead end trap you let yourself into. I hope for your sake that with all you have in common, that the chemistry will be ther4e as well.

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26/f

Almost two years ago, I was living with a guy that I was no longer in love with. Unfortunately, because I left a high paying job because I disliked it and found a job that I enjoyed. The downside was that it was lower pay than I have gotten paid. My thought process was that I had to take a few steps back to take a step closer to where I wanted to be. This was true, because even though my job doesn't pay me as much as I would've wanted, I get a free education and am now earning a Masters in a tech field.

Unfortunately because of the low pay, I stayed in an unhappy relationship. At some point, I had to get out and started researching apartments that were within my price range. A lot of the places that were offered or were looking for roommates did not allow pets (I have two bunnies). And I didn't want to live at home with my parents because it was a toxic household. I refused to put myself in an environment that would effect my mental health.

My sister and her boyfriend helped me and gave me an out. They told me that I could live with them whenever my lease was over. That I could save money and pay less living with them and I didn't have to give up my bunnies. I thanked them and took them up on the offer. It's almost been a year and we recently moved into another apartment complex.

My sister recently went back to my parents house for a little bit because she wanted to save money. During this pandemic she's not sure if she will be able to have a job or not. Her boyfriend wants to buy a house in the near future so he would also like to save money. Just to be clear, my sister makes double the amount of income than I do, and her boyfriend as a software developer makes at least triple the amount as I do. To make matters more clear, they have a fairly codependent relationship. Wherever one person goes, the other goes. Meaning when my sister stayed at my parents house, her boyfriend went with her. They have been coming back here and there and stayed over the weekend and then would head back.

I am now in a different relationship. It hasn't been that long and it's not the healthiest of relationships. My sister messaged me and mentioned that if my boyfriend was going to be over most of the summer, why doesn't he take over her boyfriend's side of the lease? I asked her if it was a joke and she that it wasn't because her boyfriend's work from home was extended to September and he didn't really want to pay for rent and everything else if he wasn't here very often.

I was slightly annoyed because they were the two who had looked for this apartment for all of us. Mine and his name is on the lease. I looked and paid for the movers. And a week after moving in, they wanted to back out of it. I mean, I get it because they want to save money and to buy a house and I am thankful that they had originally taken me in, which is why I'm feeling a mix of guilt and annoyance.

I told my sister that I understand if her boyfriend wants to do that and end the lease, but if he was going to do that, he would have to pay for the fees because I'm not the one who was backing out of it, I told her that I wasn't comfortable committing to a guy for an entire year if we had only been dating for only five months and that I wasn't planning on putting myself in the situation I was a year ago, and that he would have to pay for his own movers. I also mentioned that if they wanted to find a roommate for me, that wasn't my job to find someone to cover for his side of the lease. Last but not least, I said that if he was to cancel, to let me know way ahead of time so I could find another place to live.

They have decided to stay but the fact that she had this conversation with me, I can't help but feel guilty.

Do I even have the right to feel guilty? Should I have said what I said when they took me in?

Its been a long time since I had to worry about leasing apartments. I don't know if rules have changed but just from having talked to friends in the past who rent, the ones liable for collecting any rent from is the people who signed the lease. You said your name is on the lease, so you have to pay, but I can imagine you are not able to pay the total sum. Last apt I rented was with a boyfriend after I divorced my ex. This guy ended up showing his true colors and told the manager he was leaving and I was staying but told me nothing. I got this from the manager when I asked, after not seeing my boyfriend a whole week. It was now a week til end of month and having to pay next month. I did whatever I could to find another room mate but couldnt and couldn't afford the total amt. on my own. So I ended up staying with a friend and just as I'd saved enough to start looking for a place I could afford on my own, I met the man who is my second husband. I know how hard this all is.

You know your brother in law to be is saving for a house and that paying for a place he no longer wants, is hurting him in saving up more money. At the same time, letting it go would mean you're the one left to pay it all which you cant. You dont want to lose a place to live plus don't want to have to rely on another guy you're not sure about yet. That I get. So your only option is to find a female who meeds an apt and roommate to share costs. You might want to go that route and you don't have a timeline as I did because in the meanwhile, siss boyfriend is still paying so you have time to carefully scutinize any possible candidates to be the other paying half of the apt. Now if the apt is too expensive, even with a paying rommmate, then you need to check around, find a gal who wants a roommate and apt and both of you look for a more affordable place. Either way, at some point you'll be where you can afford to tell siss bf, that he can take himself off the lease at the end of the month that you have found a roommate who signs onto the lease at the same time or the month that you and the other rooomie sign the lease on a less expensive place. Lastly, if there is a community college or any college nearby, people around that area will lease out one bedroom in their home to make extra money. You might want to find a single older lady wanting a renter and take a room just by yourself if you can stand sharing living space and kitchen and such with your home owner.

Those are suggested answers to your situation. Now as to your feeling guilty about, I don't understand how a person would fight for a reason to feel guilty. You want to know if its a right or not. I don't think that feeling guilt in your situation applies to even having a little feeling of guilt. Here's why.

There are things I learned in the process of leaving my ex. Most all of it was about me and basically my beliefs and what I thought was the fair thing to do. I am loyal by nature so it was hard for me to give up on an ex who verbally abused me all our marriage. I thought it would be selfish of me to do whatever I had to, to take care of myself first, the reason I hadn't left before, thinking it would be selfish. However a friend finally told me, it wasn't selfish. I spent time praying after that and believe I got a message from God. The message, it isn't selfish to take care of yourself first. ( I've heard others call itL There is no knight in shining armour who will save you) Which really means the decision is up to you. god said that He choose to use people to reach out and bless others so we are like garden hoses that he pours his blessings out through. If the hose ( meaning you) is kinked, or split, either no water or little will trickle out. So I had to see to my needs first before I could be there for any one else I know now or meet in the future. I have learned and follow that rule now closely. Your making sure you have s solid living situation that is healthy for you is a top priority hon. I siad Top Priority as it really needs mentioning again. Once you have tgaken care of your needs and made sure your living situation is a secure and halthy one, then you will be able to be there for others, even free to find a man who will love you unconditionally, and uphold you and your dreams. thats what I have now and I couldn't wish any less for you. So again, based on what I went through in life, I would say, you should not feel guilty at all. Sis's boyfriend is paying for now to give you time to get your living situation in control and thats the least he can do to help but if I were you, I wouldn't expect him to do so indefinitely. Use this time to start checking things out. Blessings to you and may you find a safe home situation and a man who truly cares and would give his life for you....that is where you should not settle for less.

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I'm a female. I work for a home health agency and I visit clients at an assisted living facility. Some guys were gossiping about my uniform/body and the executive director made a complaint to the home health agency I work for. Some of the guys referred to me as the girl with the big _____. Wth, isn't that inappropriate?

They didn't even get in trouble for talking about me. The executive director called my agency to tell them that I'm a distraction, and he's not sure where I get my uniform from, blah blah. I wear scrubs to work everyday, nothing inappropriate. I'm a modest person. I bought some scrubs that were elastic/stretchy. They were good quality scrubs. I don't have to throw them in the dryer and they don't wrinkle. I let them air dry.

This isn't the first time that comments have been made by men at the job and all I do is mind my business. I don't think my boss cares. They just need someone to work.

I used to work with a home health care agency and men and women alike eventually had complaints and called the agency I worked for. Usually I had reported problems before they called as the issues were obvious, like asking me to do cleaning from ladders which was a no no and when I explained and refused they threw a fit and called my boss.

You did not say if your boss said anything to you. That is what is important. I didn't say my clients were mostly mentally ill or nentally challenged and towards the end, before I quit, just sick elderly but they can be nasty about certain things they want. Clients tried to bribe me, one even with pot theyd give me if I did what they wanted.

So I chalk it all up, even the personal dress complaints you got to uhappy, mean spirited people devoid of any good manners.

No, its not their business to complain just because you have a well endowed chest. Your boobs are not doing any of the work they need done and the boobs don't interfere. If all those men were actually blind, there never would have been such a complaint. Its not your scrubs that are inappropriate, what they really notice is how you fill it out and considering these men are elderly, most likely its been ages since they had sex and so anything that is even remotely close to what turned them on in their younger days will catch their attention and is going to be blown out of proportion because they have nothing else to do, talk about or complain about. Was the director of the facility a female? If so, perhaps she is a bitter person and /or jealous she doesnt look like you. If a male, well I imagine hes not as old as the residents and to him, he feels distracted also by your big chest, or do I have it wrong and they're commenting on the back side? As long as your boss at the home health agency has no issues with how you dress, I would just ignore the comments. However if these people don't want you back at that facility, I'd ask to be given new clients. My agency had some very difficult people whom they had not found a single care worker who lasted. The client usually said they didn't want their caregiver any more and asked for someone else. That was my first assignment and my boss said she'd understand if I didn't want to take it but I said I'd try. I barely lasted a week because the woman was verbally abusive, just like my ex, and actually even worse. So if working with such mean unappreciative people who are so rude, no manners, and complain about stuff that shouldn't even be complained about, ask to be given other clients. My favorite clients were an elderly married couple I'd see in their home but I was just fill in for their regular caregiver. Lastly, it is inappropriate as you questioned but there are so many people in the world getting away with inappropriate all the way to committing crimes and getting released from jail or never going to jail, just a warning. We live in a world where so many are rude. and yes, we find that in the work place too. When I switched to a new agency since I had moved and this was closer, they were so eager to have a new, already experienced care giver that they snapped me up in a hurry. So if your boss won't protect you and work to find you a place where you are appreciated for your skills, not distained for your cup size, then its time to find a new agency that comes with a new boss. My boss always backed me up, even when a client got upset with me, threaten to call police and I ignored her thinking shes mentally ill and won't do it. I finished my work and just as I was ready to leave the police showed up, one talked to her to calm her down and the other took me outside to tell me not to worry, I was not in trouble and they had in fact been there, called on every care giver she'd ever had and that next time if she gets in such a tizzy, I should leave immediately and call my boss. And my boss hadn't told me this new client called police on everyone before me, so they were on my side and said they would tell the client next time she called that they will not send anyone to her anymore because she had rejected and called police on every single one and they had no one left to send.

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My best friend and I ended our friendship 7 months ago. He betrayed my trust and showed his true colors after I defended my boyfriend, which my friend always had something against because of his own old romantic feelings towards me. He humiliated me in front of my friends and tried to make me feel bad and apologize for things that should never be apologized for. Now, 7 mos later I’m able to recognize my mistakes, and I think we were both too stubborn at the time to fix the problems in our relationship. If they were fixed, our friendship probably wouldn’t have ended so soon. Now I hate to say it, but I miss him tremendously. Our happy memories constantly remind me how much I miss him being my best friend, talking to and seeing him everyday. I’ve grown so much, I’ve even rekindled my friendship with 2 people who were involved in that situation who sided with him at the time. However, my boyfriend rightfully dislikes him and distrusts him, as I should too. But I miss him so much. And I know that if he were to reach out, I wouldn’t be able to let him back into my life because it would be such a betrayal to my boyfriend, and I understand that. I’m so stuck, and I don’t want to hurt my boyfriend who genuinely cares about me. Who helped me through that whole situation. There’s so many people who “forbid” our relationship and I don’t wanna screw up any of my healthy relationships for someone who hurt me and may have not changed. But I miss him, please help.

You are ready to disregard the current boyfriend for someone from your past?

I come from a first marriage to a man who fooled everyone including me, a church going man who was sweet to every one but once we were married he also showed his true colors and the entire marriage and raising kids, I was verbally abused. So I have learned some things in life in this area. I have learned that if a person truly loves you, unconditionally, that betraying trust, being critical of those you choose for friends or relationship, belittling me in front of family, friends and stranger, humiliating me, pointing the finger at me personally and in talk to others always saying I am the one with troubles, yell at me trying to get me to the point of apologizing for something I never did which was almost always the case. The list goes on. Lots of horrible stuff and yet I stayed because I waa afraid that since women earn less, I wouldn't be able to support myself and the kids. I waited unti they left home before I left. Whats your excuse for wanting to go back to him?

I was also tested for my sake by fate, to see if I had learned to identify a man like my ex and sure enough met another guy who seems nice at first and got into an apt with him. He tried mistreating me and controlling me and when I resisted, he disappeared without a word, leaving me without a room mate and no time to get another or come up woth money to cover my apt. Instead of caving into him to keep a roof over my head as I did with ex husband, I let the apartment go, a friend took me in and by time I'd saved enough to get into my own apt, I met the man I am married to now and he is the total opposite of what I had before, sweet, loving, kind, supportive, thoughtful and more but the best part he is loving me unconditionally.

I don't think from your story you learned whatever lesson you were meant to learn, like the biggest one of all, that such treatment is not the kind of treatment one gives a friend, a family member, a mate or even a stranger and yet you miss him? Then you must miss the bad treatment. Maybe you feel you deserve it. If so, you need to get counseling asap. Maybe once the pandemic is over. I certainly hope you are sure ab out not letting him back into your life. He is what is called a toxic person. Many are beginning to understand that there even is such a thing.

So all I can think of to help is realizing first that your conscious mind and subconscious mind or SM as I will say for short, are not on the same page here. You consciously understand that friend is not good news and should stay out of your life but your SM never got the message that you ended the relationship and have moved on. That is truly something that happens to lots of people, a warring of both minds. Your SM can in fact be considered like another you inside you, a totally different thinking person, but in my case, I feel as smart as it is, it still acts like a child, maybe my inner child but it can simply use thoughts to control what you do, or drag its heels which means you don't accomplish something you set out to do. With relationships, it doesn't take into effect good vs bad. It simply believes that what you are most focused on is something you really want, good or bad, so even any fears you have that you put too much time into worrying about possibly happening, your SM will do its darndest to make you slip up, do something silly so that the very thing you fear actually happens, because it wants to make you happy. So here you are thinking of the few good times, yes there are always the few good memories, but theres a zillion bad ones. A few good memories is not going to make the situation better the next time. Better there is no next time so you have to treat your SM as if its another person, by talking to it. I nameed mine as that makes it easier for me. SO lets aay you say, I am talking to my Subconscious mind and I will name you Tania unless you give me a name you prefer.Tania, I don't want you to keep bringing up thoughts of my old friend because although I had a few good times with him, his behavior was actually toxic and that is why I ended the friendship. So I do not want you to bring up any more memories of him because I want to be free of the memories that would make me want to let him back into my life.

Then you have to repeat that each and every time sucha thought comes again, not because its not working but because your SM is having a hard time changing gear so your first day or two will be exhausting with how many times a quick memory of him comes to mind, even if its a good one, you have to repeat the words to your SM, every time a thought slips in. I've done this and it seems like every five minutes a thought came to me on the first day of trying. The next day was less frequent and eventually it stops. That doesnt mean he is erased from your memory but what you think about the bad treatment now has a chance to fall into place. After thirty years of being mistreated at my ex's hands, you would think I have plenty to keep me hating him.But I don't. Since we have kids and grandkids, theres always a Birthday party where I occasionally may see him but I don't act as if he doesn't exist. I acknowledge his presence with a HI, how are you and we do a little small talk, and thats it. The thing is, once you have time to really heal from the past and the bad experiences, you won't be getting bad reactions to your memories. See, emotions are tied to our thoughts. Think of a sad movie you are focused on. You know its actors and a made up story but you get tears in your eyes or cry..and thats because you are really thinking about what you see and possibly putting yourself in that scenerio and so your emotions get involved, whether sadness, anger, and so on. I can say that there is no anger or hatred towards my ex husband when I think of something. I can tell my current husband stories of the kids growing up and then how the ex treated me back then. But just as the memories of child birth pain fade for a mother so shes ready when the next child comes along, these memories which are plagueing you now and causing you to doubt yourself, the emotional response behind the thoughts can be taken away by following this plan. I hope it works for you. It has for many who have written me back to tell me its working. So no matter how crazy it may sound to you, its worth a try.

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So I wanted a phone last year for my birthday but I didn’t get it. And every opportunity after that I couldn’t so I went up a few models( iPhone 6 to iPhone 8 Plus) when I shared my desire for the phone with my sister she shut down the idea of getting that phone, saying ``our mom wouldn’t get it because it was expensive, and it wouldn’t be right to get a phone that was more better than what she has(iPhone 6)". So her birthday was last month and she wanted to upgrade to a iPhone 7 but my mom couldn’t do it at the moment, and plus we discovered a couple of things that proved her unworthy of it anyway( trust me it was bad😤). But right after she did get enough money to buy me the iPhone 8 Plus, and so I ordered it, it arrived and I planned on hiding it from my sister but I left it out and she now knows and has confronted my mom, and is clearly angry. I am not asking how my mom should handle it, but I would like to know how should I handle it? Is my mom wrong? And what from this point on?

Is your Mom wrong for what...ordering this phone for you? there is nothing wrong with a parent wanting to buy something nice for their kids, even if its an upgrade and better than what they have. As we already know, PC's don't last forever and have to be rebought every 4-6 years for most. A few might last longr but generally speaking, the same is with phones. Eventually we will need to replace them too. I remember my clam phone, my first, after getting it fixed over and over, finally began to do weird things like shutting itself on and off at will, muting the ringer, all stuff which the verizon store told me meant the phone was too old and would eventually die and there was no fix for that. I must have had it 8 years or so. I will also mention that hubby and I like apple phones best but those cost a good penny to purchase new. Some people will puy such a phone, hold onto it for a year and then get a new one. If you are worried about cost, we found an apple, iphone repair guy in our area who also sells used phones he has repaired and we both have one now. His got too old and mine was lost or stolen. We don't have the money to get brand new but at only a year old, the phones are new enough to work with apps and take updates.
As to inappropriate use of a phone by mom or anyone else other than yourself, you need to learn that you can not change or force another person to do the right thing Worry about how you use yours and stop worrying about being the morality police for your sis or mom. I am sure your sister will continue to harass you. FOr that, pretend to ingore her. I say pretend because I know you can't unhear what she says. It would seem siss biggest concern is the cost and the fact Moms phone is an older model. Okay, so where is the rule or law written that says that all family members must have the exact same age and model of phone? There isn't any such rule or law. It isn't even a matter of what falls under good manners. So your sis is freaking out over something that should never have bothered her. But I suspect she may be young still and tend to be immature as she hasn't gotten old enough to grow up and see what matters most in the world. You aren't her parent but brother and as such it doesn't fall to you to help her grow up. This is such a trivial matter and yet somehow sis has got you convinced that there is something to this all, that the phones are not balanced or you have to have the perfect thing to say to your sis or mom. People who can't mind their own business are those who never pay heed to their own life and improving it but look always at others and harp on them as to what they can and cant do. Its like living a reality show, your time taken up watching others living their life without living yours. If this is what sis is doing, I'll bet she also loves reality shows. If she doesn't, perhaps she prefers creating her own drama where none exists. And you've gotten swept up into her drama reality show about your family. Some people are happy with older phones, as long as they work. I use mine for talking, text and photos, and playing some games but no internet. I prefer to use computer for that as I have bad eyes. Your Mom may be happy with her old phone. Its the younger people who are more dependant on their phone for doing the utmost it is capable of doing, short of doing your chores for you. So when sis starts railing at you, act as if you didn't hear her at all and answer, I'm fine and how are you. Something different than the subject she wants to suck you into and then fight about. I get that you don't want this to happen. So do that, don't answer her and say stuff totally about other stuff as if she has said "So what are you planning on doing later today instead of HOw could you use Mom like that to get a phone for yourself when she cant afford a new one herself?

So instead of defending yourself or explaining your logic which is not going to register with anyone immature, too young or maybe people with mental health issues, (I know as I have tried in life. It doesn't work) I want you to realize you don't owe her an answer just because she asked you a question or made a statement. Its not being rude, its been intelligent enough to know that you can't win with her, there is no explanation she will accept. Currently she sounds like some one who is generally an unhappy person. SO my guess is something else is bugging her that has created the person she is now. Is there a Dad in the picture, did her leave or die? Did she flunk a grade at school, or if older, lose a job? There are events in life where we might go into grieving the loss of something or someone, never fully go through grieving and let bitterness and unhappiness take over our lives and then we dump on those closest to us when the pressure builds too much. I'll bet she's also good at finding other things wrong in the world and harping about those too. A negative person will be drawn to bad things or make up bad stuff to be upset about. SO say nothing is what you need to do.

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so im not exactly the most confident person ever but there is this guy in my D&D group who i wanna be friends with but idk how to approach him without it being weird cause all we ever talk about is D&D and i wanna get to know him better cause hes a really cool guy but im not sure how to and im a little shy when it comes to making new friends especially when i already know the person a bit but idk how to go up to them and to make matters worse hes my boyfriend and girlfriends (yes i am in a polyamorous relationship and yes all three of us are dating each other) friend and they all go to the same school so its hard for me since they have a better connection than i do so it makes me even more anxious about it. any advice would really help......

I was involved in polyamory in the past. One thing I can tell you is that if you think you want to be with someone who is polyamorous, it isn't always the sweet little dream life you may think. The concept is great but usually people find they can't handle it and the reason why is that whatever problems a monogamous relationhip has, (which many folks have trouble over coming) a poly relationship will bring up all these issues much worse, bringing to the surface insecurities and issues within yourself that you may not think you had. I have watched many poly relationships with adults crumble. One of the problems is not beiieving you can feel jealous. I am not going off on a tangent here as I will show you something that you need to do before approaching him.

Jealousy is a fear of losing something or someone. When women love the same man and share him, and women being territorial, I can guarantee that the thought "What if he likes her better than me" or "he seems to enjoy talking to her more than me' are things that will happen. Happens to me, all though not very often. However in Poly, you are taught not to compare, that no one is better, just different. I may be wise but my husband when wanting to enjoy a convo about deeper things, technical or psych wise,I am happy to see him enjoy the other person even if its a woman. But hes done his job well of confirming in me that I am his true love, core relationship, and anyone else would be a love on the outside. And here is where I haard most complaints from women who were looking for men to take care of them. If they were not the core relationship woman, they would complain that of his time for when she needed a shoulder to cry on, if she needed medical insurance, and the list goes on. IN reality, a person can't be consoling both woman at once, and insurance won't cover an outside love, only the wife. You may be a teen or an adult playing D&D, but either way, you can get badly burnt if you do not have a core relationship that is solid. That is what I have seen. And also the successful people are ones that realize they can feel jealousy but the only action they immediately take is within, not on other persons, by telling oneself that you feel this way because you fear losing him and you tell yourself what your fears are and then also tell yourself why those fears are not valid. Fear is like a puffer fish, making a big deal of nothing but making itself look bigger and scarier and deadlier than the other fish so others will stay away. There usually is no grounding to our fears.

I know you want to know how to talk to him and I can give you hints. I used to have social anxiety up through my teens but followed a plan to be healed of that and I understand how this is so hard because it once was for me. However, even with winning over how to approach people, I still lacked confidence and that interfered greatly with approaching and talking to people. Some confidence was gained in the part of finding I could talk to literally anyone, right out of the blue, walk up to any stranger even and start a convo. However in all other areas of life I was still not confident.

So I actually have two things to share, how to gain confidence and how to talk to people and I will answer the latter as that is what you seem to want. But since we are talking a poly person here, your lack of confidence may rear its ugly head at any point you are making headway in just talking. So if you want the story of how to gain confidence in a real one easy step, let me know. I know it sounds like some infomercial but it isn't, just things Ive read and tried or learned from others.

Your last sentence tells you feel insecure about this, feeling they have a better connection. The only thing that can be better is having more things in common to talk about. When that isn't the case, it can still be great, just different with sharing stories about yourself, asking him to tell stories about himself and maybe each of you learning a new hobby or something from each other.

What I have learned from a fear of speaking to people is that I had to go slowly, starting with just saying HI or smiling and that already was difficult for me. If you have the same issue and can't just start talking to a stranger, then someone you know where there is some comfortable ness with them, will not help you to practice with them. So I would recommend not just trying to talk with the guy you want but also practice these things with strangers. I know you are thinking of walking up to a stranger and saying hi, my name is.....and whats your name. Yes, I must admit that way of doing it is awkward and quite weird and who ever you walked up to will try to put distance between you and them and most will not answer, and the reason is, that isn't normal.

So what is normal? It is normal to talk to a person you don't know when in the same situation.
Heres an example. I was in the grocery trying to pick out a melon but not sure which was best. I saw a lady picking up melons, tapping them and listening to them. I asked her what she was doing, without asking her name or giving mine. This is a question for help or info and people are usually very willing to help, it is almost like they are compelled to help and answer. Of course you can do this with people you know but you learn it and become truly comfortable with it faster and its more of a life changing thing in all areas, not just with one or two friends. I went for learning to be comfortable in all areas of life. And with the lady and melons, she picked bad ones and let me listen while she tapped em and the difference in sound when they were good ones. She later saw me elsewhere in the store and spoke right up as I was trying to choose a product. 'Hey, if you use that brand, I have a coupon for it I can give you she said, while handing a coupon out to me. Now if I had asked her what her name was and did small chat before asking what she was doing, She'd probably have looked at me strangely and walked away before I could ask. So its as simple as starting a conversation by asking a question based on something you have3 in common. Also, another convo starter is complimenting a stranger and my husband does this as well. I could tell the grocery clerk that I love her earrings. And one answered me saying, 'Yes, they're very special because my daughter got them for me.' to which I replied, "Then you're a lucky mother to have such a fine daughter' and she said 'Yes, I am.' Neither of us will see each other again but people love it when you acknowledge something about them, even if you're saying, "I love the sound of your laugh, it makes me want to laugh' A compliment also disarms a person who may not be exactly an extrovert and they will answer or acknowledge just the compliment and stop talking. If a person is busy concentrating for a test, reading or watching a show, it is harder to have a full on conversation and small comments are best. Such as someone in the middle of fixing something, I might walk by and say, That sure looks hard. They may answer it is and keep working or say, naw its okay, Ive done this before. I can leave it at that and walk away or ask a question, "I have time if you could use an extra hand. and the answer will either be, no,I've got it or well if you're serious, it would go much faster if you could hold certain things for me. I'll show you if you really want to help. End result, you've helped another human which would never have happened if you hadn't stopped to make a comment.

Next is open ended questions versus closed ended ones. I will give examples.

Closed ended: Did your Mom get you that shirt?

Open ended: Nice shirt, where did you get it?

Notice how the first question can only be answered yes or no. A talkative person though might say, No. Actually my cousin wore a shirt like this and I liked it and asked where he bought it and then got it. But few people are like that, I am tho. Men are already too much to the point and seem to be on a mission to save and speak as few words as possible so you ask a male a close ended question and you will get a one word answer. A this point the convo can die if you can't think of another thing to say.

Its much better to ask the question a person can not answer with a yes or no but have to ex plain in full how they got the shirt.

Open ended questions are the way to start a conversation. SO for you and this guy, you can start with, So what did you do last weekend? instead of did you have a nice weekend. You want to know what he did, don't go the easy route and use a close ended question.

When a person answers an open ended question, really listen to their answer and find a word or something they said to use as apring board to switch to another topic. So using the weekend question, heres another example of how this works.

He: "Oh I didnt do much. My friend Tony came over and we didn't do anything but binge watch old Star trek shows.' You have so many choices here because you can ask him more about Tony if he is his best friend and how he met him. YOu could mention that you also enjoy binge watching certain shows and mention a couple and ask if he's seen them. And lastly, you've learned he likes Star Trek which may mean he's a Trekkie fan or is into Sci fi anything so you could ask if he is a Trekkie or a Sci fi fan , yes, its closed ended, answered by a yes or no but your next question is asking which shows or if you like any Sci Fi shows, not asking but sharing which Sci Fi you like. It would go something like this: 'Really? You binge watched Star Trek. I happen to like Star Trek too but not the original seriers, its too fakey to me but I like Voyager and ......" If he says nothing for a while, you can ask another question, Which are your favorite characters. Never say what you think he wants to hear. Just be yourself and share truthfully. You don't want someone to fall for a false you based on what you've said and then come to realize youre nothing like that at all.

Lastly, if you think theres a chance he may respond favorably to dating you, if his two other friends are poly, whether he is or isn't himself, you need to speak to the other two friends first, and let them know you'd like to date him and get their feedback and okay. When it comes to sharing each other, the two need to be okay with him entering the circle. This I found most important for adults who were sexually active with all their partners. And one had to take precautions and never break any safety promises such as condoms because dating could very easily include sex. At this point with the virus, I would not be eager to start a sexual thing with anyone. This is all I can think of but I may have left something out so if you have other questions or want to know about the easy way to gain confidence (I tried it, and it worked so well it shocked me) then find my advice column under dragonflymagic and write to me from there. Anywhere else and I can't answer you as the site is not set up that way

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Whenever I am upset with my dad he says i can't just leave the conversation and i have to finish it . I have learned this. But whenever he is upset with me, like I am asking him a question about why he did something that he doesn't like to talk about. He will just cut me off and say "i have enough or your bitichin' " and keep telling me he's done until all i can do is leave and it never gets resolved. what should I do? I don't know how to make him see he is being contradicting and arrogant.

I have know people like this and a person like this is usually the one with a problem. They may sense they have an issue but do not want to look inwards to even try to discover what it is. So he is choosing to blind himself to the fact he has issues that are causing conversation with you to fail. And to keep the attention off theirself so no one looks too deeply and discovers they have a problem so they will be quick to point the finger at someone else to take attention off them and the other person busy defending themselves or leaving. My ex did this. He quit going to a Dr. so he has some undiagnosed mental health issues. He was verbally abusive. I can't say that is also the case here, but I can clearly see that he doesn't like explaining himself and is quick to refuse answering and blaming you for your bad attitue.

I don't know if you truly are doing something to set him off but I can tell you from experience with my ex, that attempting to correct him is like adding fuel to a fire. Attempting to defend yourself is adding fuel to a fire and if he was in a grouchy mood, he would now be yelling and screaming. It got so bad that even when I kept quiet and said nothing or walked away, even that was making him angrier because he couldn't make me react the way he wanted me to. Sometimes it is a no win situation.
I can tell you that a family member, you or mom saying something to him about getting help, or trying to improve himself, will not be accepted from a family member. It is easier to get a point across if it is from some one else. So my suggestion it that you take the time to peruse books on the rules of communication. There really are plenty of dos and don't and if we dont know them, we end up setting someone off. Might as well leaern that now as a family and you can use it with a boyfriend or husband when the time comes. It will show you what you are doing right and what Dad is doing wrong.
If there is a Mom in the picture, talk to her in private. Always be ready to ask if she sees anything you say or do that may get to him. Learn what to do when you are upset. Heck put a phrase into google search, how to communicate when upset and start reading all the hits. But having a book on hand about conversation that you have gotten real familiar with is a good way to have some one other than you let Dad know you are trying to f ollow the right way to communicate and you can show him by turning to the pages on it. If he gets angry still or angrier, you can talk to Mom but you might want to share all this with a school counselor, especially if there is no Mom or Mom just doesnt see the problem or thinks everythings fine with your Dad. It isn't. Yes, we can get frustrated with our kids sometimes, so did I but I kept my voice calm and used situation to become teaching opportunities for my kids. I still remember a daughter out with her siblings and Dad for the day. When lunchtime came, Dad wanted to go to a certain restaurant he liked regardless of what the kids wanted. This daughter said there was nothing she liked there and asked if afterwards he would stop at the subway sandwich just down the street a bit and he threw a fit and humiliated her in public. This all came out later as we were at a friends of ours home that evening. She began telling me about what happened, the man was a retired counselor and listened in. The wife was smart and redirected my husband and other kids to another room to show them something. I told her I was sorry that as an adult, her DAD was being childish and unreasonable and sorry she had to go through this. I told her she had been very unselfish to allow him to go where he wished and reasonable to ask him to take her elsewhere to grab food for herself, as I would have done if I had taken the kids out. She was about 12 at the time. I told her that we had to look at this from a different angle, to see what good could come from it. I told her that in the adult world, she will often come across people who are unreasonable, mean and are users, abusers and so on. So this was her chance as a young person to learn to how get along with unreasonable people. I guess it worked because the owner of a daycare was unreasonable to her one minute and nice the next and the sruff she told me, I would never have stayed that long and quit long ago but she stuck with it as long as she got her paycheck. I am just sharing that true story in case nothing resolves with your Dad. If you can look at it as learning how to co exist with unreasonable mean people, you;ll be more prepared later in life, to know that it is best to avoid them and if that can't be done such as a teacher or boss for a class or a job you really need, then you learn how to not let it bother you and not react to it. I hope for your sake that this is not hwo it turns out for you.

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So basically. I just found out my father has malignant melanoma. It's a skin cancer. I have a sister and she tends to get EXTREMELY nervous for these kind of situation so I understand her feelings. She proceeds to text me today telling me she felt like crap about the situation and to top it off she was mad at me for calling her ungrateful to her child's father. They have been broken up for some time but she still seems to be attached and gets jealous every time he seems to try to move on. I have told her over and over that she is an ungrateful bitch because she truly is. The point is, she only knew about it because she went through my phone while I was sleeping. I honestly get where she is coming from but I feel like she was wrong for going through my phone.

While bad news like cancer in a family member can put family members on edge and say and do things that are hurtful to each other, I don't think its the reason behind what is going on between you and your sister. I had a Mom die of cancer and yes, everyone ganged up on me as I was executer of Moms will and they didn't like it and so I was treated badly.
What I gather from what you wrote is that this is a separate issue between you and your sister. She is upset with her guy wanting to move on and she is upset with you. You are doing something that every human including meyself has fallen into the trap of doing, we do not look inward into our own life and deal with bettering ourselve even if just a teeny bit more each day, but we tend to see something in the lives of others and can see they are doing a bad job of whatever so we tend to give advice where it isn't wanteed. And that is what causes so many problems for us. I learned my lesson as a teen already on this and haven't repeated it since. It gets harder when you have adult children and you don't like a decision of theirs, or you feel its not the best way and want to give advice. Hey, I'm not saying its bad to give advice, however you can't give advice until you have permission to give it. That is a Big thing so I will repeat it using my own story. When my kids became adults, I was still in the mode of wanting to tell them what to do as when raising them, and now they are adults and I find myself having to bite my tongue to refrain from blurting out loud the stuff I feel they need to hear. But what I read somewhere is that I can ask them, Hey, I have some advice on your situation, would you like to hear it? Only a few times have I heard 'sure' Most the time, my own kids tell me no. YOu wrote in here asking for advice so it is okay for me to answer you. I hope you see how important this is.
Once we have permission to give advice, we can't give it without regard for the other persons feelings no matter how wrong they are about something. I do follow this all the time and find it easier by putting myself in their shoes, which basically means I use my imagination and imagine if the same were happening to me. So I will do this for me and imagine myself as having a child, the boyfriend breaking up with me, I thought everything was okay, didn't expect this and my wishes were for the child to grow up with me and its father under the same roof. So when something like that would happen, I most likely would be either in shock and probably going through grieving, which is a loss of something, like a job or someone who leaves you by choice or by death. I would not be in the frame of mind to want to even hear anything that is meant to help me, let alone any words that might suggest I was the problem whether I am or not. So basically, one thing is your sister is likely not in a good frame of mind, unable to see things correctly and chose to use your phone to check up on you, which is not right. However as any good counselor or psychologist would tell you, there were some basic rules broken by you in how to treat another person.
In case you aren't getting it yet, try to pretend and imagine how you would feel, lets say regarding your Father. You do something special for him with family involved to help cheer him up as you believe he needs cheering. It doesn't happen because the family who are supposed to be part of your idea are bucking against it and you have been told that you are an insensitive crappy person for bringing the reminder of his diagnosis up by treating him extra special, missing the point of why you want to do it. Everyone has their own view on things and quite often we are not correct with our views. If something like that was said to you, I imagine you'd be really pissed because the intention of your heart was to do something good so being told it isn't good would make you very upset with any family member who said that to you.

Your sisters life is hers to handle and be successful in it or mess it up royally. The same with yours. Yes, at times, a person gets a chance to speak some encouraging life changing words into a persons life but it is never said using them as the example of the doer of the terrible deeds. I also use this tactic as it is more well recieved by a person needing to hear something that helps them. If not presented well, it will shut you down. I had an ex who was verbally abusive. Do you understand how humiliating it feels to be reprimanded in public? Even done in private, it makes ones hackles rise and you want to defend yourself cus you;re an adult. In my case, I truly wasn't doing anything wrong and he had un-diagnosed mental illness but appeared normal to the majority of people. I met a few people like him who said things to me in general conversation after I mention something I believe or did and they immediately pounce and tell me that is wrong and I should know bette and never do that again. WhAT? Talking to me like that? My reaction to people like this is to avoid them in the future. And that is possible unless you are family, married to, a child of the offending person(s). So the only way to avoid subjecting myself to more degrading and unfair treatment with the husband was to divorce him. If your sister doesnt like how it feels to hear you address her as you do, true or not, and attempt to give unsolicited advice, she may decide to avoid you for the rest of her life. It could happen. Out of the family I grew up with, 4 members treated me very badly, two parents and two siblings in separate incidences where what they planned out how I should act regarding something they did or said wasn't what they imagined it would be. As you can tell by now, I am as careful as I can be to talk to people and not say anything a person could take the wrong way, not being God, people can't easily see the intentions of my heart. So I had family members, 3 of the 4r not speak to me for months, going on 6 months and when all returned to normal and they wanted to talk again, I didnt bring up what they did or tell them to ask for forgiveness which I never got. I was just happy that they were all happy with me again after getting over their pity parties or whatever they were. I know you truly believe you are doing this all in the right way for the right reasons. Yes, it is a good thing to care enough about your sister that it troubles you to see her hurting and just not getting it, but that is her lesson to learn. So if you cant change her but can only change yourself for the better, work on how you relate to people and in time you will see people are more likely to trust you again, open up to you and ask for advice. But they have to feel loved and not feel like someone is telling them as a adult they are wrong, no one likes that. If you ever get the chance to give advice to anyone because you asked and they said yes, make sure you dont use them as the wrong person. I will lie and make up a story if I have to, either saying there was a time in my past when I did the very same thing, or I will use people I know and just change the names to tell them the messeage I want them to get. What they do with what they hear, is for them to follow or not, same as you have the choice to hear and take to heart what I've shared or disregard it all. I wish you the best.

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I am a 53 year old guy who just went through his 5th divorce earlier this year. Now, I haven't been the one to file for divorce on a single one of these occasions- it's always been them. I have Asperger's syndrome, which I don't think any of my wives really understood about. They knew I had it but didn't really know what it was. I'm thinking this is perhaps connected to these divorces? My first wife left me after those last few years of just not really interacting. That divorce hurt more than any of them, I was heartbroken by it- I thought we'd be together forever, especially since we'd had two kids. Then I met my second wife who I also had a child with- she was generally quite bossy towards me towards the end of our marriage (the first wife just had very little interaction with me towards the end), so it was a huge weight off my shoulders when she filed for divorce from me. We get along much better nowadays though (despite the fact that we're no longer married- I don't know why she seemed so bossy, or why she filed for divorce for that matter, but am kind of glad she did, as we have a nice sort of friendship now.) My third wife I got on very well with, I didn't have any kids with her, but she was extremely charming and also understanding of my Asperger's, and willing to accept me for who I am. Unfortunately, the marriage was my shortest-lived as she ended up cheating on me. My fourth wife was my roommate- we were very close friends, which slowly led to marriage, and we also had a child together. That came to end as she thought that we were too close to each other, that it kind of felt wrong to be married. I understood what she meant so that divorce wasn't too bad to experience- she was very nice as a person, in fact nice as a wife, but she just wasn't the one for me as our relationship was a bit too... personal? We knew too much about each other for it to really work, as we'd been living together on and off for a number of years (she'd always take me in whenever a marriage failed) prior to even starting our relationship let alone marriage. And finally, my fifth wife, we were married for 5 years, and we really enjoyed spending time together- unfortunately, that time got less and less as she was experiencing an alcohol problem, and later decided to end our five-year marriage, I'd assume to give her some personal space. She's currently recovering and I wish her all the best. It was hard to watch her breakdown more than it was hard to experience the divorce. Am currently back living with wife number 4. Should I give up on marriage altogether

I'm also worried that my two older kids (aged 27 and 20), who are currently in serious, long-lasting relationships will experience the same heartbreak that I have. My older brother married 6 times before giving up altogether. My youngest sister has never been in a committed relationship. My other younger sister has been married for 17 years though. So, I'm 1 of 4, and if only 1 of the 4 of us had a successful love life, will it likely be the same for my kids? I love them dearly and the last thing I want is to see them get hurt. My younger two (aged 14 and 12) also will be adults in a few years, and hope that they don't have the same pattern of 1/4 of them having a successful love life and the others' love lives going wrong. Is there any sort of theory to use? Since both of my older kids are essential workers (my 27 year old son's a teacher, and my 20 year old daughter works in a hospital), their partners have time to cheat on them and I wouldn't want that for either of them. That's probably just my paranoid fathering instinct kicking in though.

The answer to your question is No, they won't necessarily be unlucky in love. However, during their formative years, children are watching their parents closely and will record what they see. Then when adults, they will make their own choices to either decide they want to do the opposite of what the parents did, or just expect nothing more than the same and narry people just like parents or worse, and finally, some can become so jaded due to what they saw growing up and relationships not lasting, that they swear to never marry.

How do I know this? I am in my second marriage. I marriage as I turned 20 and really did not choose a good guy. He pretended to be and fooled my whole family too but after marriage, was verbally abusive wikthout end until I got brave enough to divorce. So my 3 daugfhters all witnessed him abuse me, and he also yelled at them often enough but I got the brunt of it. A retired counselor friend saw signs he had mental illness and suggested he go to see a Dr to avoid losing me forever. Thing is, he told the Dr. he never ever had been in love with me. So this all is what the kids witnessed. Today as adults, the oldest had a child with first husband, divorced him, went on the a second and then a third with each one okay people until the last one who is way worse off than her. From the stories his Mom told me, it appears the Dad is a Psychopath and the son having learned it from Dad, is a sociopath.CPS stepped in when things got out of hand and the first child is in the custody of her birth dad. My take on it is that she saw bad behavior in a man as normal and when the first two husband were generally nice guys, she kept looking until she found a really badd guy and worst yet, cut herself off from all family, even extended family. The middle daugtter has vowed to never have kids. She does want someone for company so she choose a guy who is shy and quiet and sleeps alot and lets her be in charge as he has untreated depression. She told me once that she could never be with a man who has a normal male voice as it was too booming, for her and would send het into panic attacks. The youngest daughter choose a man who is released with back damage from Army and suffers PTSD, plus I suspect he has Aspergers as well. He is a great father from what I have witnessed myself when he didn't know I was watching him closely. I have also heard him erupt in anger and chastise my daughter for pretty much nothing, sounding lots like my es, her Dad. So, if a child so chooses, they can allow themselves to react in negative ways rather than respond with knowledge that there is better and they want it for themselves. I can't say if counseling will help but that is one thing you might keep in mind to share with them. I have also apologized to my children for their having to grow up with the father they had. Thing is, we have children long before we have figured out our own lives, that is bound to happen.

If it helps you feel better, I have a story to share about choices. I don't mean to offend if you don't believe, but I believe in Jesus and God but in more recent years also in reincarnation. I read a book where a hypnotist wrote with permission changing names, of interesting stories of a souls past, before they were born. The most interesting one he got to agree to several sessions as she was able to recount being in Heaven, after the last life. After recooperating and having down time, it is time to choose your next life. Yes, we get to choose but the choice is from among parents and situations that other souls help us with, presenting our choices that will best allow for us to learn whatever it is we need to learn in rhw nwzr life. We also get to choose if we are born into a female or male body. I had an abusive husband and that helped me understand why it was happening to me, I had chosen this life to learn something specific and only had to discover what that something was. That is the harder part. I did discover my major things I had to learn. As a result, I now am remarried to the most wonderful of all men and we plan to stay together no matter what, until our deaths. So I can console myself with the thought that for some reason, my kids as souls chose to be born into a family where we were not only mismatched in many ways but it was abusive as well for me. This brings the challenge to them, the opportunities to rise above it, learn what lesson they are meant to learn and it most likely won't be the same as what I had to learn but it could be the same. This belief is what helps me cope when I see whats going on and have one daughter who for all rules and purposes, is like having lost a child to death, never seeing or hearing from her and I have another grandchild from her I have never met.None of this may happen to your kids, or at least nothing this bad. But if they do want to choose wisely and find a marriage to end til death do us part, then they will need to get some counseling if they are having any issues, and learn what are the right and wrong things to do in a relationship. Best you can do is pray and listen for a chance to hear of their issues and let them know you didnt know back when they were kids but you do know better now and so you would like to share some information now. But of course for that to happen, you might want to read all you can on how to communicate with a partner, and others, Learn all you can about how to reshape a bit how you act around others so that the worst bits of Asperghers don't get to them after a while. My second husband has Autism but a light version of it that he learned to control the worst aspects of and no one sees that he has it and sometimes I forget too until for sample I am stroking his hair. A certain amount of petting his head feels good but then like flicking a switch, all of a sudden any touching is sensory uoverload and he can't handle it. Sometimes he will calmly ask me to stop since its starting to bother him, other times if he is already in a mood, will snap out, "Ow,don't do it anymore, it hurts me." I understand him and its no problem. We are also getting older and my eyes are getting real bad and need surgery, his back is fusing in the middle so he cant bend to put on socks or pick up something he dropped. So he is my eys and does all the driving too, and I am his back, and help put on socks and shoes and pick up things off the floor. It doesnt matter if were in the middle of sometehing else, when one of us needs the other, we've chosen to not let it irritate us but instead be thankful we have that help from a companion who loves each other. Lots of this comes down to choice of thoughts and having understanding. YOu can start work on that yourself and once you have a grasp on what all the important big and small stuff are important parts of a successful long lasting relationship, then you will be able to more clearly see why your past marriages didn't work and how to find the right women this time. Basically, if what you are doing hasn't worked, no matter that they all filed for divorce, then you have to do something diffferent to get different results the next time. If you stay the same, it will end the same. I am not saying you are the cause of all of it, it's always both people. In my case, the ex had commission of bad things, and although I wasn't commiting bad stuff, I was omiting data, info, facts I knew but lied to myself that it wasn't the real problem. the Real problem , or one of them, is that we can't change others, not even being a good influence, Change or wanting to change for the better must come from within so remember that, you can't change a girlfriend or wife so she must be someone you can be in love with and her with you, and unconditional love which means what it says, love with out having conditions the other must meet to still recieve your love and care. In todays times, that is hard to find and fairly rare though it shouldn't be. I wish you the best in finding love when you are ready.

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I'm not aware of anyone hear as any knowledge about dream meanings, but this one is weighing heavy on me. I have constant (like every or every other night) dreams that my sister has introduced us to a new boyfriend of hers whether my reaction in the dream to the person is good or bad, I am intrigued to know why am I dreaming this, and what does it mean I need to change or whatever? Also if anyone doesn’t know can I get referred to someone who might?

What I know I have gathered from books mostly. Dreams can foretell of something coming up soon, such as if you are going to move say to a new home, take a trip for work, travel for vacation, all movement require some kind of transport from point A to B so dreams will have vehicles, boats, planes, trains in them but the dream may not be about the move or actual travel for job or vacation. Things in the dream can represent something but what they represent for you may not be exactly what the item says it represents in a book. I used to have lots of dreams about a permanent tooth falling out. The action here is key, not something to do with the tooth it. Its about losing something in your life or something going away, not about loss of a tooth. You will know if you guessed right when the repetitive dreams stop. I had another dream that occurred once a week for years. I won't go in to it but once I figured it out, which is something the dreamer themself can figure out easier than another person, the dreams stopped on that dream too. So you have a sis and also her boyfriend as things in the dream but also consider the action. The action here in introduction. So it is possible this is a way to get the message to you that someone new is coming into your life, you will meet a key person, just as any man your sis eventually marries becomes family, perhaps its not actually about her or her new boyfriend but just that you will be meeting a key person. Who that person will be, I can't say. Romantic? A possible new boss, someone that moves you to do something new, I don't know, you may have a better idea knowing what your desires are, wishes, what you yearn for or even want to avoid. Maybe if you are stubborn about change, it could be to learn to accept who ever comes your way that you know is beneficial to your life, influencing any decisions you need to make. Maybe its the action of your reaction to meeting people. It could be about being too critical and also too gullible with people you meet. All these are guesses and you will figure it out. I don't know of people who answer dreams as I have never seen that advertised but perhaps seeking a psychic of some sort may help. Even a hypnotist to help you resee the dream and guide you through it so you get answers you need.

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I already am miserable. Have been for a decade. but now I have something where sex or any semblance of it (even looking at porn or getting a mild erection) is gonna end badly for me. So, not only can I not be in a relationship, I can't even get off (or I shouldn't get off). So what's the point of life as man? If I can even be called that. I've had this for years now, I thought it'd go away by now but NOPE! If anything, its worse. I've already made good money and it didn't make me happy, I'd really only want money to get women but that's out of the question.I know toys will only temporarily make me happy. I can't have a family. So it all seems completely pointless. Sometimes I want to get corona virus so it takes the burden away from killing myself. I really don't know what the point of life is now. If a man is answering, would you wanna keep going without being able to even looking at a pair of boobs without bleeding out of your dick? At this point, I'd rather be impotent or dead.

Your last sentence alarmed me. I don't know if its an attempt to make a point with made up info or whether you do bleed from your penis because if you do, thats not normal and you need to see a specialist as soon as possible safely. YOu can do phone consultations with a Dr. in the meanwhile and I suggest you do. You dont state your age but lots of the problems mentioned that assail men when they are older are normal for all men. When peeing, it now trickes out and when you think you're done and leave the urinal, more bits dribble on the floor. Also a man can have ED, meaning problem getting erect, only half way erect, staying erect and the worst, it is broken and doesnt work at all anymore. Yes, I can see how that would make many people feel like life is over. My husband would disagree. He has problems getting hard enough or staying hard long focuses on other stuff, it eventually works. He and I are very much in love, unconditional, so it doesn;t matter that I have lost my eyebrows and have the start of cataracts or both our hair is really thinning, or that he gained lots of weight and I no longer look like I did when we met....because we both love who each other is on the inside. Yes, it is hard to find women like me or men like him but it can be done. Sex is very different now from how it was ten years ago. A urologist has checked him out and there is nothing that can really be done. At least we know theres no cancer. But the equipment not doing what it used to do without any problems is now the new normal. My last marriage was not a good one. The guy was a mismatch for me sexually and wasn't even in love with me and verbally abused me the entire marriage. I wanted a man who could be my best friend, treat me like a queen and have a man who desired only me and was still sexually active. Since my last husband was not a very good person, I get everything I wanted in a man. NO, we dont have sex for hours at a time anymore but we still attempt it more than once a week which is actually the lower average for people who have no ed problems. Most people get sex twice or so a month if we're being real here. Women want men for more than just a hard penis. I can still feel the love, adoration and see the desire in his eyes when he looks at me. A female friend even noticed how often he was looking at me as we all worked with others on a volunteer job. Somehow, because of how much he knows I love him and I have no issue or complaint with the changes which are part of getting older, the pressure is off to perform, and while he takes the focus off himself, he finds that he can get hard enough, not rock hard but enough to do the act. While going at it, he does get harder but if we stop to re position in bed, his erection is instantly gone and we have to start all over again.

He found out a long time ago that porn doesn't get him erect anymore. He's so tuned in to just me that even looking at women who are not me, means his body will not at all get hard, no matter how sexy a gal looks. I offered for him to take naked pics of me to use when he gets up much earlier than I and Im still sleeping. This doesn't rule out morning sex, he just is very considerate and doesn't want to wake me or ask me every morning, so he'll use his pics of me and masturbate. I don't feel my life is over because of his difficulties and I am certainly not looking for sex affairs to get a guy without the difficulties. I know how hard it was to find a man with the personality and character I wanted who had a sex drive. The drive is still there and I know it by the attention I get, the touches, petting, kisses, and all to let me know all day how much he loves me. You sound like if you didn't have the problem, you'd want to make big money to still attract women for sex with your wealth. As has been shown on many u tube video's acted out on women, not all are so shallow as to want the man just because of his wealth, its so since to click with a person and come to know and love them without money in the picture. But I don't think you are ready for that big a change. So yeah, life if going to dissapoint you because the majority of married couples are not married to the best possible partner for them. They may love each other a little, eventually that love goes out because it was only the kind of love we attribute to things we like, chocolate icecream, ooo and I love cheesecake, I love being outdoors, and if I love a guy cus I like how hot he looks and the sex is great and theres a bonus of money, then that is all I get. But a love like that doesn't work well in a relationship. The love of food when compard to a human being is conditional. If a store didn't have your favorite food, yeah you'd be upset but you can live without it, it won't kill you. However if you have someone with whom there is mutual unconditional love, you can't live without them because your heart would break if you lost them to death, accident or illnesss and the empty space left in your life can eventually kill you as I have seen with elderly couples in love, when one dies, the other loses the will to live on without them and dies in their sleep months after.

If you are not in your late forties or older, then this wouldnt be about ed but possibly a lack of male hormones. I also know of a male friend who confessed to us that he found out when he was younger than he had a male hormone deficiency and it was causing all his probrems and so he had to go on hormone pills daily for the rest of his life and he said he was very happy. Age affects not just sex life but joints hurting and swelling, arthritis, wrinkles, drooping eyes, boobs, bellies, anything that can droop will, hair gets thinner or you go much more balder, you lose the strength in your legs. Some older friends tell us that it is a chore to simply get out on the bed in the morning as the body stiffens up during sleep so it is hard to make the few needed moves to get to the edge of the bed to stand up and go about your day. I haven't got to that point yet but all of this is coming and theres no way to stop it. If we embrace the changes and learn how to live and do things differeently to accomodate these chahges, then we are free to still enjoy life and not just get something out of it but being able to give in ways that help, not money usually, just helping hands, being of service.
There are plenty of older couple who no longer have sex but are happy together so sex isn't actually the problem here. My views and my husbands views of what makes the right mate, what works and what doesnt since we both were married before to people whose views were radiclaly different and both of us were treatly badly by partners, him not as much as I, but we wanted a best friend, companionship and what ever level of romance and sex we could still get. If you could get to the point where your mind and thoughts and views on what makes a fulfilling marriage partner does change to be more like ours, then perhaps you will be able to find joy in life and the right partner. We all have health difficulties to face. I don't want to end my life because of bad eyesight and now cataracts. He doesnt want to end his life because of his middle spine fusing so he can't bend and his ED. He is my eyes for me and I am the one who picks up things dropped or gets his socks and shoes on and off each day. But we are blessed each other is willing to step in and help whenever our help is needed and that I also find to be something that gives me joy, us being able to help each other. I am not a psychologist but after the pandemic is over, you might want to invest some time working with one, not because you have mental illness but something that every human being has experienced and done in their lives, either seldom or 24/7. This would be distorted and negative thoughts and those will rule our emotions which in turn rule our actions. We can not have a happy life for real and know it if we have distorted thinking problem that we over indulge and focus on. That only gets you a defeatist attitude. This is all I have to say.

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My '' sister" just turned 18. For months she has been using my mothers debit card to order stuff without permission. So this time I decided to google the name of the product that was ordered off of it. And it is weed, so I took it upon myself to look in her room, and she had a box full of it. Should I tell my mom?

How one tells is not the issue, just tell her. Look at it this way....if you had your own bank account with your hard earned money in it and someone was using it to buy stuff for themselves, what is most important to you...that you learn about this so you can put a stop to it or how you tell? I'll bet the bigger concern you'd have is how to let Mom know without your sis finding out you said something. So don't be afraid because it is more highly likely that the owner of a card sometimes checks their account and balances it and see's purchases they don't recall making and looks it up, just as you did and discovered it was weed. Your Mom doesn't have to be the type to religiously check her bank statement online every month, just occasionally. Your sis doesn't have to know how often Mom checks. I highly doubt you knew due to your balancing Moms account. I don't need to know that and neither does your sis. So ask Mom in private when sis is not around if she has checked her bank account recently and tell her you know her card was used to purchase stuff the last couple months. If Mom doesnt have an on line account or any way to check up on it, its best that she set this up ASAP and see for herself, not take your word for it because you want to remain anonymous so sis can't make your life hell afterwards. This should be between Mom and your sis with you out of the picture after Mom has the chance to see those purchases and research the company, see that it is Marijuana she has purchased and then she can go search your sisters room for the stuff herself, have all that she can find in her hand when she confronts your sister. I know plenty of parents who see nothing wrong if their teens want to smoke some pot and will buy some for them. That is not what is wrong here. What is wrong is stealing from another person. If allowed to go on undiscovered, your sister may lead an adult life of doing whatever she thinks she can do to get away with something, cheat the IRS, steal at work, and so on.I am guessing there isn't a Dad in the picture as non was mentioned. And I know kids will take more chances and do the wrong stuff if there is no Man in the house to back up the rules kids tend to break more often with a Mom than a Dad. So your Mom has to do something. What if Mom had a big bill she planned to pay using her card but sis made a purchase just before that makes Moms payment short, many banks will make a customer pay for bounced checks. It can be a hassle coming up with the extra money not only to cover the bills or purchase and pay a penalty fee to the bank on top of it. Its not fair to your Mom. She needs to know. I say the same thing, tell the parents if a teen is talking about suicide, or they are really depressed and hiding it. I had a teen daughter who showed no signs of depression in HS and I spent time with each kid on a weekly if not several days a week basis just chatting about whats going on in their world and I heard all sorts of stuff I could help with, mostly friend problems and such but no mention of being depressed. No one told me. If she had killed herself because of it, I would have felt horrible, that no one told me so that I could do the right thing as a parent and get my daughter help. As a result, the worse that happened is she refused as an adult when she told me later, to get help, didnt like the meds, got worse to the point she cut herself off from all family, not just her parents and siblings but her aunts uncles and cousins too. She remarried twice and the last guy is crazier than her, causing Child protection to step in and take the first child away and give to the birth dad. I still wonder if things could have gone differently if just someone had told me. Your Mom will live with the same if she finds out in the future on her own, wondering where she went wrong, why didn't she see or notice anything about your sister, and wishing someone had told her before it was too late to do anything about it.

Since your sis just turned 18, she's an adult and doesn't have to do as Mom says anymore. However if she is living at home, Mom gets to set the house rules and one would be to not take other peoples stuff, no matter what your age, and parents will set other rules such as no boyfriends over, no noise after 10 pm and so on. And because you are living under her roof, what she says goes. Kids are usually taught to respect other peoples property and even in schools are told not to damage books, desks or take others property. It should be taught at home and in many homes thats the rule but despite a good parent setting guidelines, there are kids who will still sneak and do the opposite. If anyone else had stolen your Moms card number and used it for some online purchases, they would be guilty of an actual crime as far as courts go. The actual card isnt needed, just the info off the card which she could have written down somewhere.Usually thats the card number, expiration date and the 2 digit security code on back and in some cases, the zip code of where that card holder liver. So your sis at the teder age of 18 has been committing a crime. Most people would not report a family member to the police and your sis is probably counting on that if found out. I would say that in confronting her, police do not need to be involved. Give her the chance to stop what shes doing, get a job which probably means stop using pot and wait for it to leave her system before applying for jobs and then Mom keep track of all she earns and demand she pay back the cost of all weed purchased. If not willing to do so, she is then given a day she must move out by because she can't be trusted to live in the same house. Thats like going downtown, and picking out someone you see doing illegal stuff and inviting them to come live in your house for free where they can and will do what they do,,,steal. Your Mom cant exercise parental authority anymore and drag her off to counseling and try to get her set straight. Since Mom doesn't have that to back her up, all she can do is dictate what happens under her roof. Plus you might tell Mom to call the bank, report her card stolen and ask for a new one. It will have different numbers so sis can't use numbers she memorized or wrote down as they will no longer exist. then watch and wait to see if she repeats it all again, thinking Mom w on't notice. If told she has to leave if she commits any crime against a family member again and that should include anyone including you at that address, then it must be enforced. If she refuses to leave, since she is 18, she legally can't stay and the police can remove her by force and then get all the locks changed. I know this sounds like a horrible way to treat family but she is already doing that. And your Moms reason for doing the same is not for revenge but as a last chance to try to teach her something about how to grow up and learn to navigate the adult world.

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Hi, I'm 20 yrs old
I'm courting this girl that I've known since 1st year college (we're now in our 4th year)
And since our government issued a community quarantine we are just talking through messenger and sometimes I'll call her during the night.
But last week I felt that she's not interested in talking to me anymore. And I told her that it's hard to communicate to her these past few days. Then she said that she said that she's not in the mood to talk to anyone these days and that she gets drained and don't want to talk to anyone and that she doesn't know when that will stop. She ask if I'm upset about it.
I said No and I'll try to understand her and I'll wait for her.
It's been a week since then.

Do I check up on her? Or let her message me first?

I don't want to look like I'm rushing her to be okay.

Not in the mood to talk to anyone, especially during the time of quarantines and staying at home, means something is not quite right and I highly doubt you have anything to do with it. Having no energy could be from sitting at home with nothing to do but people who do that get starved for social interaction, not the opposite. I can only guess what is going on here. And you'll see by my guesses that unless you are one of those professionals, there is nothing you can say that will help her right now. All you can do is be a friend, be friendly. So there is no reason why you can't message her first as she most likely won't write first.

A bigie this might be is depression. SHe may have had it all along, a light case and was able to hide it well, acting normal ( I know, as my oldest child was like that as a teen ) and with the uncertainty that anything will go back to normal after the pandemic, that alone is enough to set some poeplel over the edge into depression, even those who've never really been depressed before. This needs professional help and unfortunately most dentists and eye Drs. pschiatrists, any professionals like those not needed to keep a person alive if they have the virus, are not open or taking patients. Perhaps there are phone consultations tho.

It could be a strange form of cabin fever where pessimism takes held. And her attitude again at being stuck in quarantine and not being able to lkive her life as usual, could have her shutting down her expectations so she can't be disappointed when she can't have what she wants. She wants to have places to go, events to attend, people to see like you but since she can't, she avoids contact with people so she can't be reminded of what she doesn't have right now. Yes, it's not normal thinking, most are starving for interaction and using the net, zoom and others to contact with. This is distorted thinking and also requires a psychologist but doesn't usually require medication. Most normal people have bouts of distorted thinking at timees but we recognize our negative thoughts and dismiss them instead of focusing on them. Depression could also bring this about.

Lastly, not having the constant in person interaction with you and not enough bonding between you before the pandemic means she may be losing interest in putting any work into the relationship. Or she simply after 3 years has decided after not being able to be with you that she is not missing you. You may have to wait until quarantining has been lifted and she is able to spend time with you again to determinbe if she really is into you still or not. I wouldn't worry its over yet, not during this pandemic, and definitely not if she has undiagnosed and untreated depression or anything along those lines.
She is not going to be able to message you first if she truly is in a funk, so have no problem contacting her. Hoever if she asked you not to contact her or not contact her as frequently, you might let her know that you care as a friend, even if it was more than friends, and say that as a friend, you still want to make sure she's okay and will call or write her in a week, every two weeks, you choose and tell her and ask if that works okay for her. If you ask when you can call and leave it up to her, she might say never and then you're stuck having to go against what she said. She needs to be checked up on just as the elderly who are shut in and unable to go places. Just her needs are more emotional and mental in nature.

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I work full-time for a healthcare agency. I am 26 years old and I have a boss that is 34. This guy is cute, close to me in age, and has a really laid back/sweet personality. I am sort of attracted to him. I do know, however, that he is my boss first and foremost so I know that he is off-limits and I can accept that. The thing is, though, that he seems to flirt. Quite often. From what I have observed he does not act the same way towards other female coworkers. Sometimes in between the flirting, though, he becomes very formal/distant so it just leaves me feeling confused or like I did something wrong. Not saying that he should necessarily be flirting in the first place, but why would he do a complete 180 like that?

The other day he had to train me on a shift, he literally flirted and then acted distant within the same day and I actually was paranoid that he was angry about something. The whole shift he flirted and then when he was about to leave, he acted 100% different with me. Do you think he's just trying to act more like a boss or did I actually do something wrong? (Though if I did, I don't know what because I never flirt back and I perform well at my job.)

Also, there is another woman in the office that's in management and she hates me because this man likes me. She expresses this to other people, even our clients, which is unprofessional and she also insults me. She tells clients that he "has a thing for me" bc he says I'm beautiful. I don't work in the office. I only go there if i need to. I travel doing healthcare but they still monitor me.

Keep in mind that if you do something that needs correction, a good boss is not angry but takes you aside and lets you know what needs improving and shows you how. So, no...I dont think he is angry with you. As the other advicegiver guessed, it is more likely he is married, and not wearing a ring for whatever valid reasons, allergy to metal, lost and haven't got around to replaceing it, or he is in a commited dating relationship. If he were reprimanded by his own boss, for flirting, then he wouldn't be taking a chance and flirting with you. You mentioned he only uses this behavior on you so yeah, he likes you, what little he knows of you from working with you. But I know that what I can pick up on a person I see often and work with is not all that they really are when I became friends with women at work for example. They are totally different in some ways away from the office or there are beliefs, characteristics and such I never got to see at the office. Some I liked more, others I didn't like much at all and distanced myself from them. Unless he's got some weird psychological thing I;ve never heard of, acting hot and cold and in a short space of time, the only thing that comes close to mood swings is Bi polar but if it were that, he couldn't choose to be that way with only one person and everyone in the office would notice him being friendly one moment and upset the next.

Another thing to note is that females often act territorial when it comes to men. It doesnt have to be a husband or boyfriend. It can simply be someone she secretly likes and crushes on and if that guy shows any other female attention or shows or says something to proves his admiration of another women, then the crushing woman will be angry, act territorial and say and do whatever she can to make the other woman look bad. Some times, even in offices, two people mutually have interest in the other and start dating, usually trying to do so in secret but it would seem this female manager is very jealous of you, for no reason, nothing that you have done. So you can be sure than even if this guy was unattached, she would find a way to get you fired and eliminate you from competion, (in her mind at least) for this male managers attention. Its not worth losing your job over. Just ignore the fact he is doing this, act as if all is normal and let him deal with his own thoughts.









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Hi I don’t know so much about my desire to be under 90 lbs for the remainder of my life and I’m concerned I might be anorexic or worse and wanted to seek your advice on what could I possibly be facing.

There are charts you can find on line called BMI charts or Body Mass Indicators. Although I found one and heres the link: https://www.medicalnewstoday.com/articles/323446#body-mass-index

Put in your current weight and height and the calculator will let you know if in the normal range or overweight. It doesnt have anything stating what is underweight but if you look at the lowest number on the height and weight chart, the lowest number is 91 lbs for a person 4 ft 10 inches. So 90 would be slightly underweight for a person that height. ANy taller and you would be severely underweight.

I don't know if you are male or female or your age but I will state that more females than males are concerned about their weight and the weight they want is underweight. Also, if women, its more common in teens and twenties to see females unhappy with their weight. If you are young and already underweight, you should see your doctor. If you are eating less and less and worried about gaining weight still or eating and purging right after by forcing yourself to vomit, then those are eating disorders and you will need help. If young and the body is still developing, it won't be getting the nourishment it needs and so your body development in all areas, especially reproductive can be affected terribly. You can't gain health organs and everything else after the age you should reach your adult size body, you'll be stuck with whatever you did to yourself, or if it's another medical issue causing this, I can't say what else could happen. Just the fact you desire to be 90 lbs says enough to me that you are not desiring a normal weight, no matter what your age is. If you are a very very young child still in grade school, then you'd be obese, and if a teen or older, you'd be underweight. SO what you think is a good weight, isn't. Please talk to your parents if a minor, and have them call your Dr. to see if you are currently at a normal weight. I am 52 and weighed 110 all through HS. Even that looks anorexic as people would ask my sister if I was. But that is still in the healthy range, as well as my current weight of 130. So the ranges are quite vast to account for snall or big boned and such. If you are an adult, call your Dr. and see what they say. Due to the pandemic, many Dr. offices are only doing phone chat appts to answer any questions so keep that in mind.

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Hi, I'm from Armenia.
31 years old..Currently living in Dubai, It's been almost 6 month i'm here, just got out of a 2 years relationship which ended because of cheating that i forgive and continued anyway, but through the way i understand that i can't accept cheating and live with the idea that actually i've been betrayed, and live with doubts and with the trust issues .
I came here i decided to have a new beginning, concentrate on myself , but once again i met someone, from February we're together and you know when you met someone and say to yourself ( this one is different ) well i do it every time, but this time i said something different i said he's the one, in these 2 month OMG it was like 2 years, everything was there ,everything ...
I have some really strong intuition like my 6 sense is always works in the right time right place, but after that i always screw thing because of my fast making decisions .
For the current situation he rented a villa for us so me my cousins his friend we went it was amazing near the sea, one day he got really drunk and i went sleeping really early that day, when he came to the room he was wasted, after he slept i went through his phone and i saw he was talking to his ex, things like he misses her and our relationship was over he's single again and free, so they can be together again. I packed and left the same minute.
When he woke up he was crazy and came to me with explanation that it was all because he was drunk nothing was there, and it was just that minute thing , so i don't know i said ok just to close the subject that minute .anyway after that i was only checking where he was with this doubt that was actually literally killing me , he told me that he handed the villa and gonna stay to his friends house for couple of days because they have to work on the website ( his work).
I don't know why i was so sure that he wasn't with his friend, i was asking for location and he wasn't sending and in opposite he was getting crazy and angry because i wasn't trusting him that i should put all aside, i said ok.
The next day i saw a dream of the Villa that we were staying. i woke up with doing the calculation and without even realizing i found myself getting ready and went there, it was like i was sure i wasn't gonna find anything but at the same time my legs were taking me there.
I entered from the backyard and the first thing that i saw his cigarette pack on the table, i entered and i saw his sunglasses on the table, i went up in he rooms our room door was closed, my heart was beating like crazy i could hear it, i opened the door. And there she was in the bed sleeping he was in the balcony i was hearing his voice making calls and he came, saw me in shock i started running he was behind me he tried but couldn't reach me.
Anyway since then he's trying to get in touch calling i blocked him texting im blocking.
Till i decide i should hear him for the last time ,so i did.
He tried to explain to me that there was nothing between them and they were just friends, yes he lied about where he was but that's just because i wouldn't be understanding the situation bla bla. and now he won't give up on me and will fight till the end. of course now i started to think again he might telling the truth or at least im trying to convince myself that. I don't know what to do, how should i think ,how can i believe him..

What is happening hear is what I had to learn with my first husband, now my ex so don't think I think badly about you. What the problem is, starts with putting more belief in a persons words than their actions. Although I learned quickly with my ex that I was hoping that he had turned a new leaf and was going to be a great husband. He only kept making promises and breaking them all. In a relationship, actions do speak louder than words. I know this is where you are stuck because you revealed it right at the end in this piece:now i started to think again he might telling the truth) but you follow that with
"or at least im trying to convince myself that"

I did the same thing, lying to myself or making up excuses in my mind as to why he did as he did. So really, I understand. But one day I woke up and realized this wasn't what I wanted. I am not trying to convince you of any particular belief but I prayed for guidance and the answers I heard helped me realized that while he had a problem, I was also creating a problem...I was continuing to subject myself to his treatment (he was verbally abusive as well) God answered that I would not be breaking vows to leave this marriage, (and I feel that goes the same for any long term relationship, same kind of commitment should be there) because the husband had long ago broken all the vows he made when he married me. He did not love, honor or cherish me. I realized that allowing him to continue to treat me this way, by forgiving over and over when he never held up his side of the bargain was not the point. It isn't about forgiving against the utmost of horrid deeds, it was forgiving when there was enough long term evidence of his repeatedly commiting the same offenses.
What I call this and began to look for in a new mate is "Consistency" I looked to see if the person he is, is consistently shown and proven in his deeds and towards me. A guy can say he loves you. I used to think that if a guy could bring himself to say that, it must be true. I found out otherwise. I learned to not listen to what a guy promised or said, but to watch his actions. I will give you something else to help understand where I am going with this.

I am remarried to a wonderful man, all the things the other was not. This one loves me unconditionally, is IN Love with me and his actions show it. He is always building me up with his words, doing special tasks for me I can do myself, but does it since he loves me. He tells me what he is planning on doing and very soon, I get to see the evidence of it, he carries through on his promises.
The only time there was an issue was early in the relationship where I had not thought to make clear on all things that were okay with me and what is not. He did a public show of affection not when we were alone and it was right in front of others. While I don't embarrass too easily, I was sad for people or kids who might see and have isues with that and I don't wish to bother anyone that way, we can wait til we get home. He noticed my mood and later I cried as I explained what had bothered me. He of course had no idea and his intent was not to make me unhappy but to show me once again how much he loved me and desired me only, which I made sure to tell him I appreciated, just not in that kind of setting. Did he ever mess up and do it again? No....because he promised not to and has held that promise now for about 9 and 1/2 years.
This concept should be easy to understand. We feel we are being harsh or too judgemental if we give a person forgiveness, another chance, they screw up and thats the end, we break up. But that is exactly what I am talking abnut. Heres where a certain saying points it out. "Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me." So I had to admit I was the problem for still forgiving after doing so once and him making the same bad decisions, same terrible actions. If you don't believe this, you are not ready for help. I understand that too. What should have taken me only a handful of years to wake up to my senses, took me a month shy of 30 years before I left him.

If what you have been doing gets you the same results, as far as picking the same kind of men, then obvious, like me, you have something you are not doing that you should be doing or you are doing something you shouldn't be. Unfortunately there is no college class on relationship 101 where you can learn what a healthy relationship is. I have so much to share but will wait to see if you are ready to hear by writing me back.
I have a list, my guideline I used in finding the wonderful man I have now. I made it into a document as I often copy and paste that one in to help many others. I call it 'Finding Mr. Right". You may not be looking for someone else, just wanting to know how to change the one you've got. It doesn't work that way. All of us were given a free will to use as we wish, for good or bad. My church said to trust God to change him and heal my marriage. God told me, He couldn't heal my marriage as they state because he gave a free will to my husband who is still denying that he has done anything wrong (this told to a psychologist) so if he felt he was right, he was not going to change and change does not come from outside a person, but from within, it has to be a wish to be a little better of a person every day and make at least baby steps towards it, not repeating offenses. Your staying with him is not going to change him, I was told. I hate to be the kind of person to give up but remember my heavy heart when I told my husband that things just weren't working out, that he has a different path to walk than I at this point and staying together would only keep us both from growing in character. He agreed and later reniged, and yelled abut how I was not going to get anything if I divorced him. I waited 7 years until he was ready and he wanted the divorce. He saw I had moved on and was dating someone else, my now new husband. But it took 7 years for him to get over being angry at me leaving as it destroyed the normal image of himself he wanted the public to see.

I just remembered something I once heard, "Just because you find a mouse in a cookie jar, that doesn't make him a cookie. He's still a mouse, in the wrong place. Same thing for you, just because this man is in a relationship of sorts with you, that doesn't make him relationship material. If you don't mind sharing him with other females and not knowing who he sees, then be content. That is also called an open marriage or relationship, meaning the two are not staying monogamous with each other, one or both are seeing other people. I am sure this is what he wants in a female but he couldn't find that, so he began to lie and hide what he does. That doesn't make it okay. About lying, after a lie, I cut off many guys I was dating and will share a story of one. I did my dating with a profile on dating sit, its how I met my husnband. I put up a list of things I was looking for and one thing I mentioned was being allergic to cigarette smoke. So one guy writes me and says he doesn''t smoke and seemed to fit the profile I put out. I made sure to meet him in person asap rather than waste time on line where its easier to hide things, and to lie.
I am glad I had this personal policy because he lied. Not at the first meet up at a coffee shop, I couldn't smell cigarette smoke on him so another day, our date was a walk on the beach, where in the fresh air, I couldn't smell a thing. The third date was to go pick out a movie to take to his place and watch while eating popcorn. He had me leave my car at his house and go with him in his truck. The cab smelled so strongly of stale cigarettes I was already gagging and rolling down the window as I asked,
I thought you said you did not smoke. He replied, I dont. My son borrows my truck all the time and he smokes heavily. That was his second lie but I didnt know it yet, not until later that night out of the corner of my eye, he moved and I turned to look at him, he was reaching for a pocket and by habit pulling out his cigarette pack. He realized what he'd done but wasn't quick enough to hide it. He had been caught. I told him that being with him would not work. I said nothing else, nothing about his lying, being dishonest. I went home and for days received hateful phone messages from him, calling me all sorts of nasty names. I had done nothing but choose to not put up with him. But I was firm about it. Psychology teaches us that a person will put up a front, a false personality to catch someone, hoping they fall for you and when they think you have, they relax and let their real personality come out, thinking that since you care about them now, you'll put up with anything and never leave them. But it takes a lot of personal energy to put on ones toes and always be showing a false side. So eventually a person will run out o this kind of energy and absentmindedly forget and go back to what is their usual self. So don't berate yourself for getting sucked in with dishonest men. The deal is, once you have seen a behavior you don't like and made it clear and they promise it won't happen again, when it d oes, thats the point at which you need to leave, whether your feelings got hooked or not. I did this for a while. Sometimes meeting a few guys that were just right but the guy and I neither felt the needed chemistry, no matter how nice he was and would agree to part and keep looking. It was that or running into cheaters, liers.

Its obvious to me that you are wasting your time with him. I am sorry if it bothers you to hear that but you did come on here asking for advice and my advice is not going to always be what a person wants to hear. I truly do this to Help a person, not help keep them stuck somewhere in life. So let me know if you want the info on HOw to find Mr. Right. It will take some work and dedication on your part to do it and be consistent or it won't help you. If you do want to ask for it, go to my column by looking up columnists and choosing me, Dragonflymagic and then asking. If you do so under the comment section for rating me, I can't answer as it is not set up that way. And I truly do want to help as I have gone through my own version of disappointments with men in the past. But you've got to have some backbone to do this. I hope you do, for your sake.

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I’ve been with my boyfriend for 4 years and we are both 26. He moved to my state to be with me, we talk seriously about the future, and have considered moving in together. Everything between us is pretty much exactly what I want in my life, however there are two major hurdles in our relationship. First, he has committed to permanently living in my state, 4 hrs away from his parents, to make it work with me. He is very close with his family and I know that will be very hard for him, especially when kids are involved. Secondly, we are from the same religion but he believes in certain practices/traditions that would require substantial sacrifices on my side (i.e keeping kosher in my home, attending more religious events than I would normally be comfortable with, sending kids to Jewish school, etc). We would both be making huge sacrifices in terms of our lifestyles in order to be together, and it worries me that we could resent each other. On the other hand, if he and I both feel willing to make these commitments to make it work, then part of me thinks we can be strong enough to do it. What do you think. If I love him should I let him go, or do I fight for love?

Any advice is welcome, especially if you have been through something similar. Thank you!

I have not been in anything similar. My first husband was verbally abusive but no sign of it. He fooled my parents and he attended the same church with me. So just on beliefs alone, just because someone goes to a church or temple, and takes part in many of the activities as we did with doing sunday school, prayer group leaders, etc... it doesn't mean a person really is trying all that hard to be a Godly person. So just in case you feel he
is a safe bet, just be careful. As I heard once, just because you find a mouse in your cookie jar, that doesn't make him a cookie, same as people can profess a belief and go through all the important actions. Some of the most REAL people of faith I've found outside the church actually doing Godly work.

You are right that in some cases, a person can make a choice that involves a mate and then come to resent them later. It doesn't always happen. Many who end up resenting and splitting up could say they loved each other.

SO how can you tell ahead of time and be fairly sure it might work out? I only know what worked for me and there are few people who have this, its called unconditional love for each other and its 'being in love' not merely loving a person. It's this little extra in how you love your partner and they also love you the same way, that means you both will be willing to overcome any obstacles in the future because the thought of never being with them again is almost unbearable because they are part of you as a leg or arm is and if you lost a limb, you'd definitely feel it as badly as losing a partner where both were in love.

My second husband and I are in love and we are older, grandparents and cant imagine being apart. Many couples need their own space and wouldn't last if they had to be lets say, quarantined together. A professional asked my ex before we divorced if he was in love with me. He dodged saying bad stuff about me. The Dr persisted and asked him again and after another dodge, finally answered, No but he loved me for being the mother to his kids. He didn't even treat me right as a mother, complaining when I bought school clothes each year for the kids at second hand stores.

Talking about kids, keep in mind many grandparents do not have grandchildren living conveniently near. The one kid I have who still lives near decided not to have kids, the other two are in other states, one is Hawaii. There are always visits like in the summer, for some of the Holidays where you make the trip and stay long enough to make it worthwhile or they make the trip, and theres phone and video calls, Skype or some such thing to see each other. No its not the same as seeing each other several days a week but a young family is going to have their own life to live, and that may involve living where one or the other needs to move to for a job offer. Moving to be near you is also as valid a reason. He would not have done so if he didn't want to be with his parents. I don't know how long he's been in your state but if its the 4 years, or 3, then he's going to do okay in the long run with not being near his family. If its been only 6 months or less, it hasn't been long enough to tell if or how it will get to him. Moving an entire family back and having to find a job, new schools, etc is a big undertaking and harder to do if 3 or more are doing the moving. If it got bad enough that something had to give, when his parents are retireed and not tied to a job, then they have it easier to relocate to be near you. He just might ask them if they would be willing.

As for being of the same faith but you being more relaxed about it versus him extremely active....that one is going to be the hardest to work through. Lets say you two are married right now. He is the head of the house and says he wants you to be as active as him. How would it look if he's the only one attending some function and you are not and kids later, would go with Dad but as they got older may decide theyd rather stay home as you do. This kind of conflict would create lots of arguments with no compromising. Some things can come to a compromise, some cant. I tell gals wanting to marry a guy and have kids, to ask if he even wants kids and would he be okay with it if you got pregnant right at the start? Women marry and keeping waiting til many years have passed, before they even ask if he wants kids!!. No way, this has to be something you're on the same page about. There is no compromise because you want a kid and he doesn't. A compromise would be halfway pregnant and half a child which is nonsense as its not possible. I've read books that also mention ones faith as also being something a person can't compromise on. So both of you would have to be so in love with each other that you don't allow your differences to bother you and neither do you attempt to change your partners beliefs or how they carry it out, you allow each other to be themselves and uphold them in their choices. That is hard for most people to do. My husband doesn't have the patience to do what I do here, advice giving. He hears of some of the crazy questions that show up here and he doesnt want to deal with it. But instead of asking me not to do this and do something else, he upholds me and is actually proud of what I do. He doesn't always agree completely with what I say but most the time, he is proud to say I have been gifted with wisdom and patience and he loves to tell others that I volunteer on here and gives them my dragonflymagic name for them to check it out. That is what upholding a mate is about.

So if it came down to a choice of you having to change all about yourself as far as faith or where you live to keep him, would you be willing to do so in order that you don't lose him? Would he at the same time be willing to make whatever changes to how active he is in the Synagogue, and suck up his desire to be near his parents because the most important thing in his life is being with you and you being happy? If both of you feel the same way, you'll find a way to make it work. Use your imaginations, close your eyes and picture some of these scenarios and see what emotions come up. i did this very thing when facing whether to stay with my now ex, or to leave. I pictured myself with him another month, another year with the crap going on, and I knew if I had done so before, I could make another year pass but it w on't be fun, I asked myself if I could handle 5 years more, ten years more and finally the rest of my life and at that point, I couldn't fool myself or trick myself into thinking I could hang in there. I began to cry hard as I felt dispair,and knew that my emotions were now telling me the truth, I would not be able to handle it. You might try that.
I also highly recommend making a list of needs and wants in a partner. I did this after the ex and it helped me find the wonderful husband who is mutually in love with me. I was strict about what I needed. After verbal abusive first relationship, I wanted a man who never raised his voice to me, would build me up with words and compliments instead of trying to belittle me. abd there was much more to my list. I also wrote what I strong and weak points were so I could be able to share them ahead of time in case a guy didn't like what he heard, he could walk away after the first or second meet up. What I mentioned on my list here is a need. A need is something which if missing in that person, means its a deal breaker, or he's the wrong person even if all the other things are okay. A want is something like I wanted a guy who loved to go dancing and I loved long hair. But I was honest with myself and realized that these were not needs for me. If I got them, thats wonderful, if I didnt I knew I could live without it. Hes got long hair but he doesnt dance at all, and never will, (a valid lets call medical reason) and I have lived without and adjusted to it. Do I resent him for not dancing with me, no. He is willing to let me find a dance partner and go dancing if I wanted to do so real badly. I don't as I'd rather be with him doing something we both enjoy together, even if its as simple as cooking a meal together or watching a favorite movie.
I hope this all helps you to sort out what to do. I don't know him or you and cant make that decision for you whether to stay together or not.
Best wishes on your decision.

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I decided to go on my own mini strike, and not wear a bra until I have something to put in them and want to know what what impact this could have on me, and if I could possibly prevent possible future sagging if I’m not choosing to wear a bra for a chosen amount of time.

Its the weight of heavier breasts that sag and will stretch the skin of the chest so much and the muscles too due to the weight of the globes of breast being bigger.

I used to be happy to wear a bra as soon as I started developing because what I found is, the bra hides the nipples which when you are cold, will pucker up into little beads that show through clothing if braless and males like to ogle women whose nipples they can see outline of. I am around a B in size, only C when breast feeding but due to a smaller size, I do not have saggy breasts that hang way low, or even to belly button or my lap as is the case for some big women who even with wearing a bra, though not perfect, ended up way down there.

The perky breasts that stick straight out like cones, are only something of the younger gals and I used to be like that as a teen. My husband calls my boobs, Mommy boobs because due to the change I suppose of breastfeeding earlier and now being older and all skin sagging to some degree, it has a relaxed look and doesnt sag and I've gone braless for the last 10 years as I got tired of always feeling uncomfortable no matter what bra. The only way I can explain for you clearly is to have you picture a woman sideways and the nipples are at 15 minutes after any hour position wise in a teen and now they are pointing at somewhere between 20 to 25 after but still the whole boob is in the same place, as when I was younger. Braless for a decade hasn't changed it at all for me.
I recently needed an xray and a nurse gave me a gown and asked me to take my bra off so theres no metal clips or anything metal in the xray. I told her I dont wear a bra. She told me she didnt wear one either. I hadnt noticed so I took a look now and really couldnt tell and she was as small or smaller than I on to and guessing somewhere close to 40. There are plenty of grown women without a need for a bra to hold anything in place. If you do jog or running, a running bra to handle the bouncing of the little weight so it doesnt eventually stretch the muscles. This all reminds me of a short span of years when nipple bra's were popular. Women who had to wear a bra but wanted their nipples to show to get the males looking, brought a bra with a bead sewn in right where the nipple would be. If you can handle men staring at you, which I do by simply not looking to see where they are looking, I find it easy to navigate life without any personal emotional issues attached. I have met other women my size who have never worn a bra as I did. And they are not sagging but then they are not a C or above at full maturation size wise. If you grow but never get that large, you'll be fine without.

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How do I even say this😞. I’m 15, and I saw an old friend and and couldn’t quite grasp how I envy how she has the perfect curvy body. Among teen girls in school whether a friend or some girl I don’t even like,I have noticed and mildly accepted how much less of a voluminous body I have than them,every girl is more better than me if she is 1. perfectly skinny, with no breast or butt, 2. Has a little belly with big everything / and or perfect in all three areas.I already have low self esteem and won’t ever find myself settling for the body that I have (which I take as settling for less). I am even desperately trying to self diagnose myself as malnourished or some other explanation as to why I am so under developed, and am fully prepared to make money over the summer to order breast and butt growth pills. To which I don’t know how will impact my body, but I will dive headfirst into ingredients or impacts and whatever it takes to get where I want to. So what I’m asking is what do I do to myself should I go after what I want or find another path I need suggestions? I would much rather growth pills than plastic surgery in the future but I just need a second opinion. I also exhibit the passion to stay under 100 pounds for the rest of my life, and have intended to for no little than over a year. I did some digging online digging that wasn’t very helpful and don’t feel comfortable discussing it with anyone I know can offer up some other helpful advice without them becoming too worrisome about me. What could it be?

There are two issues here.
One issue, is how you see in your mind what is normal and what is not as far as breasts and body tupe go and
the other issue is low self esteem.

I was once a teen, am a grandmother now but oh do I remember my teen years. I know for a fact that the great majority of teens, not just girls but guys too have low self esteem. Its just that most are good at hiding it and pretending so that you will assume your the only one. I missed a couple of my reunions but a couple years ago went to my 40th reunion where we were all 58, and I missed the last two. So I was surprised to see us as older adults, no longer pretending and just being shy,low self condifidence in the very people I all thought were brave, outgoing. We did two nights, informal followed by formal and at both, people stood around by their self or with just one friend and never moved around. I was the shy social anxiety type in school but curd of that and here I was, walking up to people to say Hi and start convo's. Only 3 girls were still very outgoing and what a teen would call a popular person. People are attracted to others with self confidence.

So since something like that can plague a person and hang around their whole life, its better to tackle that and get past it now. If you want the simple exercises to go through to gain self confidence, let me know by going to my column to tell me this. Any other way and I wont be able to send it to you.

Now on to the issue of how you see breasts. No matter your age, from puberty until death, the size, shape, type of nipples and areolas differ greatly in people and all of those are normal. They are variances yes but normal and not do to
disease or underweight or overweight. I don't know of a site that addresses curves or butts but I Know of a photo gallery for women filled with photos of just the breasts of women anywhere from 18 to around 30. This is supposedly a time when most have stopped growing but if we look back at photos of ourselves as teens and now as an adult of 30 or 40 or older, it is easy to see differences, our body continues to change, more slowly but there is change, we fill out more. For example, my second husband is a very hairy man, lots of it all over his body. He wasnt like that as a teen, not even at 30. It was age 35 or so before it started growing. He went from hairless to what I affectionately call the Sasquatch look.

Myself, in HS was 110 all the way and until I had my first child at age 27. Afterwards I was 115 until after the third child where I remained at 120 until I turned 50. In the last ten years or so, I have gradually gained weight and am at 130 now and am 5ft.2in. I have a short torso, aomw hipa and my butt in not the heart shapped kind you see on models but its a flat straight line across the bottom. However, That has never bothered men. Even in HS in a crowded hall, guys often slapped my butt and when I turned, there were so many people I had no idea who had done it. My breasts only got bigger during breast feeding. However after the last child, instead of going back to B cup, it went smaller to below an A. I now had clothes and bras that didn't fit. Cant remember exactly but it was around 3 to 5 years before my breasts got back to their normal size. For others, they stayed larger and for others, they stayed smaller or went back to normal. Speaking of normal, heres a link to a gallery of breasts with the submitter talking a bit about themselves. In many they have a boyfriend who loves their almost non existent breasts and they feel feminine and beautiful. Others say they feel worried a bit. Please look at it to see that women vary quite a bit. The reason there are no teen pics is because a teen is still growing and no one will do surgery for example until done going thru changes and at their adult size. This is a debate among teens who are transgender and want sex change operations done but the only thing a Dr. will do is prescrible hormone inhibiters when a child reaches puberty and wait on surgery until the body is no longer growing.

As for the growth pills, that doesnt work as you've already heard. In my case, I can tell you that my ex right after we married said he wanted me to grow a bigger chest, which is not possible, but I didn't know back then. He ordered breast growth supplements and tapes to listen to while asleep and many other things. Not a single thing worked. Then why are such products on the market?
Because there will always be people unhappy with how they look (mostly it is hereditary, somewhere back in the family line if you don't look like your Mom did at the same age) Products like this prey on those who want to look different. I was happy with myself but the husband wasnt. His wanting to change me in that way and many others when there was nothing wrong with me meant he really had chosen the wrong person to marry in the first place. SO now you know there isnt anything short of a boob job that can be done to change that. However I worked in a health insurance company and we received photos from doctors with pics of why someone needed a reduction due to back problems and pics of breast surgeries gone wrong needing repair. Yes, these weren't pics to get bigger ones but some were of women who had had the boob job and were now going to someone else to fix the scarring, lopsided, caved in, lumpy grotesque looking things that did not even resemble a breast and often, leakage or infections were part of the problem that made it all worse. So there really is no safe option to change how you look.

I want to take time to teach you how media is responsible for this image pressure on women today and also some males too.

Using women for example, back in the times before photography and film, there were only paintings and painters showed women as all having very small breasts and plump or rounded tummies, flat was not popular, nor big boobs. In the pin up girl era, they were extra curvy but in reality, also on a very big skeletal frame and big boned in general to carry all those curves. Then in the 60s I believe it was, a model nicknamed Twiggy brought in the popularity of skinny, twig like, anorexic almost appearance that was popular. No woman with big bones could ever look twig like no matter how much weight she lost because of the size of her bone structure. Then from the 70s on to present day, models, in movies, ads, etc. women became the standard shown to all, we grew up seeing this from infants, I know I did, but its gotten worse the last two decades. This standard is no more realistic than the others where one is supposed to assume that all women are supposed to look the same, instead of showing women in several different body structure styles. Yes, we do have the chubby to largely overweight women acting in shows and movies today but that is very little compared to unrealist imaging done today. Here's a terrific example that made it to a news channel because the change of the original model to the changed product has nothing realliatic about it.

https://duckduckgo.com/?q=photoshop+to+create+changed+photo+of+model&t=ffnt&atb=v135-1&ia=videos&iax=videos&iai=https%3A%2F%2Fwww.youtube.com%2Fwatch%3Fv%3DwA331SpzYy4

Just highlight that block and hit open and watch. You could always look at celebs with out and with makeup or retouched photos. In the retouched, all birthmarks, frown lines, wrinkles, blemishes, and other skin issues are all wiped away so that every single person has the exact same baby soft looking skin. Oily skin taken away, cheek bones created, mouth or nose image tweaked a bit and even my own reaction at seeing the before photos is that some celebs are extremely plain looking and wouldn't catch a second glance from me if I were to meet them on the street. Some I wouldnt even recognize because all I've ever seen is their made up face and hair. You are only 15 and likely changing slower than others. You are likely normal as the rest of us. I also looked younger than my age. We don't like it then but one day you'll be glad when youre 40 and people think you're the sister of your child of 20 or something like that. I still look younger than most my age tho theres gray hairs and wrinkles and saggy skin. I have seen people 10 years younger than me, assuming they are ten or more years older and am shocked when I discover they are younger than me. Also, the smaller a chest you have, you dont have to worry about big heavy boobs that due to the weight have stretched down so far they rest in your lap when sitting. I am not exaggerating here. I know a woman a bit older than me whose photo for dating site had one guy asking if the bulge in her lap was her stomach, I guess he thought she had a big belly and she had to tell him that those were actually her boobs. I met a gal in a burger King and have seen her several times. Shes in her twenties and looks very thin, almost too thin but I can tell shes healthy, just tiny like I looked in HS. Seeing that, I told my husband, geez, thats how I used to look and that is just too skinny. Thank God I continued to fill out after HS.

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Hello. My name is Brian Hardy. I am twenty-seven years old and I live in Danville, California. I am having an issue that I want to discuss:

I have Asperger’s Syndrome and anxiety, so my parents made me undergo eight weeks of therapy at Rogers Behavioral Health. On the weekend of October 19/20 of last year, my parents took me on some day trips as my reward for completing eight weeks of therapy at Rogers Behavioral Health. I went to San Francisco on October 19 and Carmel, Monterey, and San Jose on October 20. We visited the Museum of Ice Cream and SFMOMA on Saturday and we walked around Carmel and visited Selfieville, Santana Row, and the Winchester Mystery House on Sunday. However, it was not enough for me. My friend Olivia was in Half Moon Bay, so I could not go to Daly City to visit her. My mother's cousin Ferrell and his wife Molly (who live in Carmel Valley) were on vacation in Yosemite, so we could not visit them either. My cousin Jared's sister-in-law Annie (who lives in Marina) was participating in a race, so I could not see her. I wanted to watch the race to support Annie, but my parents were against it. Plus my parents never want to see my former neighbors Dave and Janet (who live in Pebble Beach) because they have not really reached out to us and Janet is allergic to animals. My parents did not want to visit Pebble Beach, which is a place that I really wanted to visit. Plus I did not get to visit Lover's Point Beach in Pacific Grove either. My father was originally going to attend the Cal bears football game in Berkeley on October 19 and I proposed that I take BART from San Francisco to Berkeley, meet him for coffee at Peet's, and then go to Piedmont to visit my grandparents and maybe meet up with my mother in Lafayette for dinner on the way home, but my father was against me coming and he ended up watching the game on television and visited my grandparents without me. I also did not get to have breakfast at Sam's Diner in San Francisco on Saturday nor breakfast at Bill of Fare in San Jose nor the Village Pantry in Los Altos on Sunday. Plus we could not stop in Santa Cruz on the way to San Jose, so I could not visit Petite Provence in Capitola nor the Boardwalk. I would like to recreate this weekend and do the activities that I missed, but I am not sure when I can do it because of this coronavirus outbreak. I may sound selfish and ungrateful, but I still want to redo the whole weekend over again. I keep browsing through photographs that I took that weekend to imagine myself recreating it in my mind, but it does not help.

On top of it all, I am finding my parents to be very ill-tempered and argumentative. For example, back in October of last year, my parents took me to Carmel as my reward for completing eight week of therapy at Rogers Behavioral Health. On the way down, me and my parents had a big heated argument. I do not remember what prompted the argument, but my father had a major explosive temper tantrum and he threatened to drive back to Danville, which really scared me. When we got home that night, my mother told me: "You are never satisfied." I find my parents to be completely insatiable. I can compare my father to Adolf Hitler and my mother to Aileen Wuornos. What should I do about this?

Please tell me how I can resolve these issues.

With the outbreak, it is safer to not travel at this time of course and its sad you didn't get to see people on the last trip but seeing them now could possibly transmit the disease from them to you or your family to them.
I assume you live at home and parents are your caregivers. Thats hard on a parent if they not only raise a child who is different from the norm but are now looking after you as an adult. I don't know if or how many Asperger people end up adults on their own and suppose it depends on how bad a version you have of Aspergers. My own husband is on the spectrum too but found ways to deal with it and there are only a few telling things that givc a hint he has it. So I can understand some how hard it may be for you. The anxiety I can identify with. As a little child, I always had social anxiety and that made school hard for me. My Dad was outgoing, Mom shy, so in my senior year at High School, I decided I would not be able to navigate adult life with that, I'd be crippled dealing with life. I prayed and followed what I heard God tell me to do and I was cured. Then 30 years later I find a book in the library written by a psychologist and it had to do with anxieties and how each one can be cured, but in different ways with each using a new method the Dr. first didnt believe but when he tried it on his patients, they all had great results and almost all cured of various mental issues. So I am guessing that perhaps dealing with your anxiety and getting cured so you are at least anxiety free would be a great help to you. Your parents have to see you able to get on well on your own, whether a trip to meet someone for lunch. I know thats not possible now and likely, Dr. meetings are not as well but when the coast is clear of Covid, it might be a good thing to try to find a psychologist who is trained in CBT which stands for Cognitive Behavioral Therapy and works on a persons thinking, mainly the fact that our thinking can be very distorted, negative and that will affect our behavior. I dont know if your own Dr. is aware of this, is using some form of this on you already, but if not, it is worth trying. I know this doesn't help you now.

Once in a while, I do something on the computer, I call virtual touring and its second best to being there. I'll explain. This only works for areas and roads that have had satellite imaging done as well as videos of the views from a small road or a street. I was writing a story set in Wales in the UK. I chose N. Wales and began to explore the area I was writing about by bringing up a map. If you have looked at maps before, theres what I call the cartoon version, or the territorial one with trees and buildings visible from the air if you zoom in.

On this screen there will be a silhouette of a man which if you click and drag to place on a street, you will now see everything from street level as if you were there. And that is how I got to move through cobble stoned streets so narrow, that only one car could navigate at a time, there were no sidewalks and peoples front doors of their old stone buildings opened right onto the street. It was frustrating in seeing a park but not able to travel inside it as this is virtual photography only from roads a car can travel on. However it is better than nothing. If you know your Doctors name, You might try calling them yourself when the parents are not in listening distance and mention to the Dr. your concerns with your parents. He may not see anything wrong with them, or be unaware, but adult children unable to live alone on their own usually have a contact person inside the Social and Health services dept. I used to care give for mentally ill patients who were living on their own and they all had a contact person who helped them with whatever concerns they had. There's even one who specially checks out jobs that are simple and stress free for special individuals and are the go between if a person cant handle talking to their boss. It might be neccessary for family counseling, not just for you, so your parents can work out whatever is bothering them. I am sure for example they worry what will happen to you once they die some day.

So if you feel the parents are irrational, its likely due to some worries or stress of their own and unfortunately as most people do when worried or stressed, we take it out on any family close to us, under the same roof. Your parents are not likely to think they need a counselor right now but until they are seen, there is no way to know if the problem is with them, with you or a combination of both and how to treat these situations. Again, even a counselor should be someone with knowledge on CBT and any teachings of different things that can be done to make all things better than they are now. I am sorry I cant be of more help. MY own doctor appt was cancelled as the office is closed due to the Covid shutdowns. So you may not be able to see a counselor right away but its best to let those professionals do what they know best to help you and your family.

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