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Lost in the same cycle.
Hi, I'm from Armenia.
31 years old..Currently living in Dubai, It's been almost 6 month i'm here, just got out of a 2 years relationship which ended because of cheating that i forgive and continued anyway, but through the way i understand that i can't accept cheating and live with the idea that actually i've been betrayed, and live with doubts and with the trust issues .
I came here i decided to have a new beginning, concentrate on myself , but once again i met someone, from February we're together and you know when you met someone and say to yourself ( this one is different ) well i do it every time, but this time i said something different i said he's the one, in these 2 month OMG it was like 2 years, everything was there ,everything ...
I have some really strong intuition like my 6 sense is always works in the right time right place, but after that i always screw thing because of my fast making decisions .
For the current situation he rented a villa for us so me my cousins his friend we went it was amazing near the sea, one day he got really drunk and i went sleeping really early that day, when he came to the room he was wasted, after he slept i went through his phone and i saw he was talking to his ex, things like he misses her and our relationship was over he's single again and free, so they can be together again. I packed and left the same minute.
When he woke up he was crazy and came to me with explanation that it was all because he was drunk nothing was there, and it was just that minute thing , so i don't know i said ok just to close the subject that minute .anyway after that i was only checking where he was with this doubt that was actually literally killing me , he told me that he handed the villa and gonna stay to his friends house for couple of days because they have to work on the website ( his work).
I don't know why i was so sure that he wasn't with his friend, i was asking for location and he wasn't sending and in opposite he was getting crazy and angry because i wasn't trusting him that i should put all aside, i said ok.
The next day i saw a dream of the Villa that we were staying. i woke up with doing the calculation and without even realizing i found myself getting ready and went there, it was like i was sure i wasn't gonna find anything but at the same time my legs were taking me there.
I entered from the backyard and the first thing that i saw his cigarette pack on the table, i entered and i saw his sunglasses on the table, i went up in he rooms our room door was closed, my heart was beating like crazy i could hear it, i opened the door. And there she was in the bed sleeping he was in the balcony i was hearing his voice making calls and he came, saw me in shock i started running he was behind me he tried but couldn't reach me.
Anyway since then he's trying to get in touch calling i blocked him texting im blocking.
Till i decide i should hear him for the last time ,so i did.
He tried to explain to me that there was nothing between them and they were just friends, yes he lied about where he was but that's just because i wouldn't be understanding the situation bla bla. and now he won't give up on me and will fight till the end. of course now i started to think again he might telling the truth or at least im trying to convince myself that. I don't know what to do, how should i think ,how can i believe him..
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What is happening hear is what I had to learn with my first husband, now my ex so don't think I think badly about you. What the problem is, starts with putting more belief in a persons words than their actions. Although I learned quickly with my ex that I was hoping that he had turned a new leaf and was going to be a great husband. He only kept making promises and breaking them all. In a relationship, actions do speak louder than words. I know this is where you are stuck because you revealed it right at the end in this piece:now i started to think again he might telling the truth) but you follow that with
"or at least im trying to convince myself that"
I did the same thing, lying to myself or making up excuses in my mind as to why he did as he did. So really, I understand. But one day I woke up and realized this wasn't what I wanted. I am not trying to convince you of any particular belief but I prayed for guidance and the answers I heard helped me realized that while he had a problem, I was also creating a problem...I was continuing to subject myself to his treatment (he was verbally abusive as well) God answered that I would not be breaking vows to leave this marriage, (and I feel that goes the same for any long term relationship, same kind of commitment should be there) because the husband had long ago broken all the vows he made when he married me. He did not love, honor or cherish me. I realized that allowing him to continue to treat me this way, by forgiving over and over when he never held up his side of the bargain was not the point. It isn't about forgiving against the utmost of horrid deeds, it was forgiving when there was enough long term evidence of his repeatedly commiting the same offenses.
What I call this and began to look for in a new mate is "Consistency" I looked to see if the person he is, is consistently shown and proven in his deeds and towards me. A guy can say he loves you. I used to think that if a guy could bring himself to say that, it must be true. I found out otherwise. I learned to not listen to what a guy promised or said, but to watch his actions. I will give you something else to help understand where I am going with this.
I am remarried to a wonderful man, all the things the other was not. This one loves me unconditionally, is IN Love with me and his actions show it. He is always building me up with his words, doing special tasks for me I can do myself, but does it since he loves me. He tells me what he is planning on doing and very soon, I get to see the evidence of it, he carries through on his promises.
The only time there was an issue was early in the relationship where I had not thought to make clear on all things that were okay with me and what is not. He did a public show of affection not when we were alone and it was right in front of others. While I don't embarrass too easily, I was sad for people or kids who might see and have isues with that and I don't wish to bother anyone that way, we can wait til we get home. He noticed my mood and later I cried as I explained what had bothered me. He of course had no idea and his intent was not to make me unhappy but to show me once again how much he loved me and desired me only, which I made sure to tell him I appreciated, just not in that kind of setting. Did he ever mess up and do it again? No....because he promised not to and has held that promise now for about 9 and 1/2 years.
This concept should be easy to understand. We feel we are being harsh or too judgemental if we give a person forgiveness, another chance, they screw up and thats the end, we break up. But that is exactly what I am talking abnut. Heres where a certain saying points it out. "Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me." So I had to admit I was the problem for still forgiving after doing so once and him making the same bad decisions, same terrible actions. If you don't believe this, you are not ready for help. I understand that too. What should have taken me only a handful of years to wake up to my senses, took me a month shy of 30 years before I left him.
If what you have been doing gets you the same results, as far as picking the same kind of men, then obvious, like me, you have something you are not doing that you should be doing or you are doing something you shouldn't be. Unfortunately there is no college class on relationship 101 where you can learn what a healthy relationship is. I have so much to share but will wait to see if you are ready to hear by writing me back.
I have a list, my guideline I used in finding the wonderful man I have now. I made it into a document as I often copy and paste that one in to help many others. I call it 'Finding Mr. Right". You may not be looking for someone else, just wanting to know how to change the one you've got. It doesn't work that way. All of us were given a free will to use as we wish, for good or bad. My church said to trust God to change him and heal my marriage. God told me, He couldn't heal my marriage as they state because he gave a free will to my husband who is still denying that he has done anything wrong (this told to a psychologist) so if he felt he was right, he was not going to change and change does not come from outside a person, but from within, it has to be a wish to be a little better of a person every day and make at least baby steps towards it, not repeating offenses. Your staying with him is not going to change him, I was told. I hate to be the kind of person to give up but remember my heavy heart when I told my husband that things just weren't working out, that he has a different path to walk than I at this point and staying together would only keep us both from growing in character. He agreed and later reniged, and yelled abut how I was not going to get anything if I divorced him. I waited 7 years until he was ready and he wanted the divorce. He saw I had moved on and was dating someone else, my now new husband. But it took 7 years for him to get over being angry at me leaving as it destroyed the normal image of himself he wanted the public to see.
I just remembered something I once heard, "Just because you find a mouse in a cookie jar, that doesn't make him a cookie. He's still a mouse, in the wrong place. Same thing for you, just because this man is in a relationship of sorts with you, that doesn't make him relationship material. If you don't mind sharing him with other females and not knowing who he sees, then be content. That is also called an open marriage or relationship, meaning the two are not staying monogamous with each other, one or both are seeing other people. I am sure this is what he wants in a female but he couldn't find that, so he began to lie and hide what he does. That doesn't make it okay. About lying, after a lie, I cut off many guys I was dating and will share a story of one. I did my dating with a profile on dating sit, its how I met my husnband. I put up a list of things I was looking for and one thing I mentioned was being allergic to cigarette smoke. So one guy writes me and says he doesn''t smoke and seemed to fit the profile I put out. I made sure to meet him in person asap rather than waste time on line where its easier to hide things, and to lie.
I am glad I had this personal policy because he lied. Not at the first meet up at a coffee shop, I couldn't smell cigarette smoke on him so another day, our date was a walk on the beach, where in the fresh air, I couldn't smell a thing. The third date was to go pick out a movie to take to his place and watch while eating popcorn. He had me leave my car at his house and go with him in his truck. The cab smelled so strongly of stale cigarettes I was already gagging and rolling down the window as I asked,
I thought you said you did not smoke. He replied, I dont. My son borrows my truck all the time and he smokes heavily. That was his second lie but I didnt know it yet, not until later that night out of the corner of my eye, he moved and I turned to look at him, he was reaching for a pocket and by habit pulling out his cigarette pack. He realized what he'd done but wasn't quick enough to hide it. He had been caught. I told him that being with him would not work. I said nothing else, nothing about his lying, being dishonest. I went home and for days received hateful phone messages from him, calling me all sorts of nasty names. I had done nothing but choose to not put up with him. But I was firm about it. Psychology teaches us that a person will put up a front, a false personality to catch someone, hoping they fall for you and when they think you have, they relax and let their real personality come out, thinking that since you care about them now, you'll put up with anything and never leave them. But it takes a lot of personal energy to put on ones toes and always be showing a false side. So eventually a person will run out o this kind of energy and absentmindedly forget and go back to what is their usual self. So don't berate yourself for getting sucked in with dishonest men. The deal is, once you have seen a behavior you don't like and made it clear and they promise it won't happen again, when it d oes, thats the point at which you need to leave, whether your feelings got hooked or not. I did this for a while. Sometimes meeting a few guys that were just right but the guy and I neither felt the needed chemistry, no matter how nice he was and would agree to part and keep looking. It was that or running into cheaters, liers.
Its obvious to me that you are wasting your time with him. I am sorry if it bothers you to hear that but you did come on here asking for advice and my advice is not going to always be what a person wants to hear. I truly do this to Help a person, not help keep them stuck somewhere in life. So let me know if you want the info on HOw to find Mr. Right. It will take some work and dedication on your part to do it and be consistent or it won't help you. If you do want to ask for it, go to my column by looking up columnists and choosing me, Dragonflymagic and then asking. If you do so under the comment section for rating me, I can't answer as it is not set up that way. And I truly do want to help as I have gone through my own version of disappointments with men in the past. But you've got to have some backbone to do this. I hope you do, for your sake.
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