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are these feelings normal and should I end things?
For context, I am a girl and I’m sixteen. A few months ago, a guy that I knew started calling me every once in awhile. I didn’t think anything of it because I call my friends all the time and I had not thought of this guy as anything more than that. Let’s call him Cody. After a few weeks of him calling me on the phone, he asked me out. I said yes because I figured I could see what I think of him. Cody ended up being really nice and funny too, so we went out more. The problem is, I don’t know if I like him because I like him or because he likes me. That may sound confusing, but I feel like maybe the fact that Cody likes me makes me like him. I started thinking of this possibility because I still can’t see him as more than a friend after these past months. I don’t feel any different when he walks in the room and I don’t get the kind of butterflies I would want or chemistry in general. It seems like I should end things with him since we I don’t see him in that way, but I don’t want to hurt him. He has become my good friend through this, so I don’t want lose him. Is it better for me to end things since I don’t feel the same connection? And how do I talk to him about it? Thank you for taking your time to read this.
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You made perfect sense hon and I remember these feelings from when I was a teen.
The biggest thing for young people is to feel liked. That is why the 'like button on Facebook' or commenting sections on many other apps give a person a false sense of popularity. All we see is numbers of people and that makes us feel good even when in HS, most people lack self confidence. I even had social anxiety back then but no longer. So looking back, and listening to my kids when they were in HS or those who write me here, I can see that nothing has changed, its something we all go through. Let me tell me right now that even those whom you think are more popular are self confident. Its an act, they could make terrific actors, but in reality, they have very little self confidence, and only fool others into thinking they have it. I found out at my HS reunions even at the last one of 40th reunion, that I was now the adjusted self confident person and the social butterfly at the event when others whom I had thought were condifent and popular in HS were able to talk to others easily. Only two people were still like they were in school, outgoing. the others stood alone, shy and talking to no one ex cept maybe one friend they came with. I had to go around and remeet everyone and once talked to, they came alive, smiled and were friendly. I think they were still scared no one would like them.
I shard this all because you need to be aware this is a big thing for people of all ages but even more so when we are nearing adulthood and ready to spread our wings and do things, go places.
What you are wondering, should apply for friendships as well as any relationship that is more than friends. this Cody never asked how you feel about him, asuming if you accepting the offer to chat on phone or go out with him, that you liked him as more than a friend. It is okay for people to have friends who are the opposite sex but it only works if both do not have romantic feelings and desires for the other. Sometimes one feels it, the other doesnt so it won't work. Most peole are too afraid to really talk and find out ahead of time if a friend feels the same as they do.
Friendship is a good way to start. So lets talk about how you feel about your buddies, girlfriends. What exactly do you do for each other. Do they and you care about each other not just during good times but during bad too? Are you there for them in more than just saying the words, like ready to help even if its inconvenient for you at the time, do they do special things for you that you could've done yourself, do they support your dreams and talents and build you up and support whatever you do? All of this stuff is the friendship part. All that is missing is feeling uncontrollable urges to cuddle, kiss and have sex and pleasure each other that way. I know youre 16, and may or may not be sexually active yet but I am also talking of what it is like when adults. You need both the friendship and the sexual attraction and chemistry for a relationship to work. I am sure you probably figured out something close to this as you like the friend part of him but dont feel the romantic part. Sadly, many couples, even married ones are with someone they have only one or the other of the two parts that make up an oin love couple relationship. The ones with only only the friendship part and only one feels the attraction, will end up with one or both cheating later with people they enjoy sex with better. the ones with terrific astounding sex will do okay only in bed but since they lack the friendship part, will fight like cats and dogs the rest of the time. Neither relationship is a good one and many of those end. I am sharing this all so that you will have something real to share with him if the time comes. If he is doing anything that feels like more than how a friend, think of a girlfriend hugging you a bit too long while stroking your back and caressing your hair...that is something a friend only wouldnt do. So even if he's done stuff like this before, females have intuition about things like this and you can always bring it up saying you did not pick up on it before. But if he ever says or does something that feel obvious to you, you will have to tell him that it feels a lot like he isn't just wanting you for a friend but as more than friends and this action just now made you wake up to the fact that this doesnt feel right to you because you dont feel the same way back, you don't have romantic feelings for him.
If he had been smart, he could have asked if you'd like to hang out as friends and later when all is going well and he wants to move to more than friends, all he had to ask was, "Were doing so great as friends that I was wondering how we'd do as more than friends. What do you think? ()Remember that cus you can use it in the future with a guy you do like that way)
Asking a question that way is not sharing how you feel any romantic love, just asking what theyd think, like doing an experiment. If the person asked, does feel the same in return, they could say, yes, lets try that or sorry but I dont have romantic feelings for you, just friend feelings but I love you dearly as a friend. The only problem with staying together as friends when one feels the eros love and the other doesn't, is one feeling they cant be themself, and always sad and reminded they can't have all they wanted with you, or you questioning every little thing they say and do and wondering if what they say and do is as a friend or maybe because they say they love you.
If you get a chance to talk to him if he becomes more than friendly in his actions, you will need to say something about what the differences are in friendship and in love and so I left you all I shared so you'd have some helpful ammunition to shoot his way and even though he's disappointed, leave it to him to understand why you can only be friends and that this is not a rejection of him as a person.
A last piece of advie for your future: Pleae do not fall for a guy who ever says the words I love you without showing it through how he treats you. My first husband said I love you but never treated me like he did, just the opposite. The husband I have now, says I love you but what makes me really feel loved is when he does things that prove his love for me, like taking time to listen to all I want to say, remembering what I like and don't like and surprising me with little gifts, even like bringing home my favorite ice cream from a run to the store, or telling me to sit and rest or do what I want and he will clean up a mess or do the dishes, complimenting me and supporting my hopes and dreams instead of tearing them down. I was verbally abused with first husband. So its a big difference.
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With regards to liking him because he likes you, an easy way to figure out if you like him is to ask yourself, "Do I like him for him or what he does for me?"
Think about his personality and how you feel about who he is as a person. Think not about the fact that he likes you but focus on him as a person and list what you like about him.
Please understand that love feels or appears different to everyone so that cliché of butterflies may not be the same experience you will have.
Also understand that with no chemistry/understanding/the ability to "click" the future of you both may be in question because you both must have that common ground where you can talk to each other about anything and genuinely connect on any possible level.
With regards to your last two questions...
firstly, if you do not see him as more than a friend you should definitely break it off. Do not hold on to this relationship in the name of "I don't want to lose him," because if he is meant to be in your life he will always be there and you will never worry about him leaving. Secondly do not stay with him in the name of "I don't want to hurt him" because staying out of pity and not because you actually want to be there does more damage than good especially when he finds out/realizes. Thirdly, in terms of speaking to him about it, I advise that you be very respectful of his feelings but also be straight with your point. Be clear on what you feel and exactly what you want to say. He may plead with you but stand your ground and BE HONEST.
Respect him enough to talk to him in person about your issues and also mention that you would like to remain his friend if he permits you. If he decides he cannot remain friends with you then acknowledge his feelings and respect them despite how much you may hurt. If he needs space give it to him as he mends his broken heart.
Sincerely yours,
Denelle xoxo
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