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Life is an adventure but Life doesn't come with user manuals for everything. School subjects do little to prepare us. Its no wonder we all need helpful advice sometimes. Blessings to you!

advice

Here is the backstory.
I moved to another city because of university and met a girl (who is in the same group as me). We became friends (?) really fast, which is weird because I'm shy and it usually takes me months to find a connection with others. And even faster I realize what I may have feelings for her (I was missing her when she was not around, I always tried to be as close to her as I could, and ALWAYS was distracted by her presence). It all was affecting my education, so I decided to tell her the truth (after 2 weeks of meeting her btw). And at the next day my things changed ( I stopped thinking of her 24/7, become less anxious, etc. )
I don't understand why. The only thing that was different in this 2 days is that I make a decision to tell her. And that's all, it's not about smth she did or anything else.
I still feel different around her, than with other. But I'm not sure why or what is going on. Like 4 days ago I was sure what if I wouldn't tell her about my feelings- I would die. But now I don't care about that

Did my feelings for her suddenly decided to start disappearing? Did my mind decided to block this feelings, so I wouldn't have to go through stress by confessing to her? Or something else?
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( I never before had a crush(?) on a person with who I spend time almost every day)
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P.s. sorry for my pour English, I'm from Russia
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I don't know if it's important, but we both 18year old bi girls

A crush is usually someone you see but the relationship is all up in your head ... you imagining what it would be like to be with that person. A dating relationship is usually doing things together, in person, not over chat or text. The real reason for dating should be to spend enough time with a person you already know you feel chemistry with and to find out if there are things you like about them or dislike about them. Someday, you might want to marry. I know plenty of bi women thru a friend. They almost all are married and have kids but with an understanding husband, also have a bi lover they see at times.

So where do you fall right now? It sounds like mostly the crush with some hanging out together in a group of people so you're a bit of both. However hanging out can only tell you some things about a person. You didn't say exactly what you told her and how receptive she is as a friend. Then the only thing that makes the difference between a friend and a lover is having chemistry, both being sexually drawn to each other but the friendship is still part of relationship. If you feel like your feelings have disappeared, just know that when you are truly in love with a person, those will not disappear. What you can do if she knows you are bi and she is too, is to spend time together just as friends first, but more than time at a dinner or movies. I am talking of quality time together where you really get to know what she is like when happy, sad, irritated, had a bad day. A relationship will have all those feelings and some people can be vile and dump all their negative energy on a partner or mistreat a partner. I had that with a previous husband (male) but I know that both sexes are capable of not being nice when hidden from public view. Your English is fine dear, I can't write anything in Russian.

So if you think she is interesting as friend, find out what you have in common and spend time doing those things together. At that point you'll have a better idea if she's meant to just be a friend or more than a friend.

The way you ask after having been friends is: "We are doing so great as friends, that it makes me wonder how we'd do as more than friends. What do you think?"
This way you are not confessing feelings and scaring a person off. You must ask what she thinks because if during the time spent as friends she developed feelings, she will be open to this idea. If not, she will let you know she still doesn't feel that way (romantically)about you.

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I’m a brand new freshman in Hs and corona has stopped us from being in person. So we are on zoom all day. In my art class there’s a Junior. His name is Prince and he’s extremely cute. But I can’t talk to him because I have no idea how to look him up on social media or chat with him while on zoom without everyone seeing my business. Homecoming is coming up and I want to go with him though I don’t know how to ask when we aren’t in person nor have met face to face. I’m really stuck. And I know a little bit about him. The more and more I learn the more I like this guy. Please help me :(. Thanks so much.

I agree with solid advice, that seems the best way to go. As for a social event like a dance, I don't think there will be one where you can go in person so if you can't be together like that with anyone, the only option I see left is all of you televising youself dancing at home and watching others dancing alone at home. Just doesn't seem worth it to me. Life kinda sucks during this virus, doesn't it?

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I am a sixteen year old girl in high school and there is a guy I have liked for about two years now. It’s been an on and off thing because we have both dates other people but something always brings me back to my feelings for him. I have never told him that I like him and he has never told me either, but the way we have been acting with each other seems like there’s something going on. But the thing is, I’m not really his usual type so I don’t know. He broke up with his girlfriend a few weeks ago and he wasn’t upset about it plus he wouldn’t tell me the reason. He has been sending small signals but he is a flirty person in general so I don’t know if I am reading into this too far or if it is really happening. How can I find out if he likes me or not without telling him I like him and is it too soon to date him if I find out he does?

I can tell you right now that if I had met my now second husband when he was a teen, I would never have liked him. The thing is, he has learned many things along the way, including how to treat a woman and what is important to him in finding the right partner. Most young men do not, not even my husband at that age.

I can think of only one thing you might say but from what you wrote, it doesn't sound like the two of you have spent much time together as best friends, only dating others and being friendly to each other in public, in school but nothing more so than most other students. I could be wrong. What i have to share only works if you both are really close friends because in truth, a romantic relationship cant survive on romance and sex alone, it needs two treating each other as best of friends. So if romance is the only thing that makes a friendship more than friends, then this question will work. You ask, Hey, since we have been doing really well as close friends for so long, I just wondered how well we'd do together as more than friends. What do you think?

It is important to ask what he thinks because you want to hear his answer and for him to really give some thought to what you just said. If You say you already have feelings, he won't feel free to tell you the truth, especially if he doesn't have the feelings needed to be more than friends. Put yourself in the guys place. Imagine a guy who creeps you out, whom you have no feelings for and are only nice to as another student at school and one day he comes to you and says he really likes you, is attracted to you and wants to date you. Would you feel trapped to answer him. If you felt in love with him, it would be easy to answer but in this case, you'd have to say no to his face and wonder how he's gonna take that revelation. If he doesnt take no for an answer and asks why, you'd have to tell him you dont feel about him that way which is the truth. Generally guys can understand that it won't work if the chemistry is missing. After a divorce, I met plenty of guys but if I didn't feel chemistry, no matter how nice they were, I told them i didnt feel chemistry. No one enjoys being with someone who is like a friend, a good person but there is no spark to be even interested in their kiss. If you ask this way, you can find out how he feels for sure because if he doesn't have any feelings no matter that he flirts, he will be quick to tell you that an experiment like that wouldnt work because he already knows he isn't interested in you that way. You can't look disappointed or cry. This is the very thing guys want to avoid is what they consider the emotional theatrics from a female. In some cases, it scares them to death. If he is interested but afraid to ask for same reason you are, he will be quick to agree that yes you both should try that. This way he doesn't have to say he likes or loves you but show you through his actions and how he treats you. This is important to learn by the way that actions speak louder than words. Many women have complained of guys who said I love you but treated them terribly at the same time, not even as nice as they would treat a friend or coworker. I had that in my first marriage, so I learned words are cheap, but actions speak.

As for flirting, sometimes it does mean the person is interested in you. Other times a person does it simply to keep up their skills or get better at fllirting and they will flirt with people who have a partner, or not, married or not, even if they are not serious about the other person. So why do it? My only guess from experiencing it is that flirting feels good, even if you aren't that seriously into the person you flirted with. So don't count on his flirting to know anything for sure.

That probably answers the questions you asked but there is so much more I could share around this subject. If interested, read on:

SO when you say you aren't his usual type, do you mean in looks or personality or both? You don't have to answer me, just know for sure for yourself. In most cases, it is more likely limited to only what you can witness and see at school. Unfortunately true, is that most people have no idea what they want in a date or a long term partner because they only look skin deep. That means who you are inside is not as important. Guys are visual creatures when it comes to females and sexuality. So if they see someone who really appeals to them visually, they are interested but only in how they look, and they may be appealing enough for sex but not for a real loving relationship Sometimes a guy wants more than being with a girl he thinks is gorgeous, like a model. But keep in mind, there is a wide variety of what kind of looks appeal to a male and as they get older, like into ones thirties, do they get serious about what they like about the character of a female on the inside and also what appeals to them on the outside. For example, I have heard of guys who prefer the natural looking female without fancy hair and makeup. I know of many males who are disgusted with and turned off by what they call big fat fuzzy caterpillers above the girls eyes. They refer to brows made to look larger and darker than normal. One college guy lamented that ALL the gals he'd met looked like this and he hated it. I can tell you truthfully that men are more attracted to confidence in a woman than the looks.This was determined in a study done by a college where people were told that the right people for this study could earn money and they assumed they would be called into a private interview from a waiting room but the waiting room was the actual test. Men of different types were in the same room with females of two types, the gorgeous model types and the plain average but pretty in their own right females. Initially, men were attracted to the prettier girls. But the girls were uneducated, dumb, drama queens and insecure once they opened their mouths and the men drifted over to talk to the other females who they found had some depth to them, could converse on any subject, weren't boring or all into themselves, and were confident above all, wearing confidence in a way that told the men she didn't need their attention to feel good about herself. A man eventually learns that in the long run, to be with the sane female the rest of his life, he knows the beauty will eventually fade on the outside with the passage of time but the beauty of who she is on the inside will only get better and better with time. So only the smart men who have figure this out will really score well in a good relationship. At your age, guys are far from realizing this yet. It truly has to do with both your looks and personality but personality and confidence are what attract males. The only males who wont like confidence is the ones who have something major wrong in their thinking and their personalities. After a divorce, I got picky in screening guys and I did this over internet dating sites to cut down on hunting for the needle in the haystack so to speak. I didn't wait for guys to write me but I initiated also. I had a list of criteria they had to be able to meet to even write me. Many wrote angry that I was too picky. All these males wanted was for me to lower my standards. So whatever happens, if you start dating and a guy wants you to lower your high but 'important to a healthy relationship' standards so they can be considered... it is best to avoid them or break up with them. Also going on a few dates without both declaring to each other that they are only going to see each other and be each others gf/bf, doesnt mean there was any commitment so it isn't the break of a relationship but giving up on this one person as being able to fit want you need and want. Hope this all helps.

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Hi Im a teenager from the Philippines and I've liked a boy since we were in elementary school. We've never really talked that much in real life but we used to talk all the time through social media about random things. We both went to different high schools and still talked after that, but one day he started to just see my messages and not reply to them until an hour later. I then knew that he was interested in a classmate of his in his new class and started to ignore me for the next several days. He probably felt nothing for ignoring me but for me it was the most painful thing that he has ever done to me. Until today I've been deep in sadness and he still doesnt chat me. Should I cut ties with him or tell him what I feel?

Jr. High and High School is when people really want a romantic relationship, before that, you are just very interested or just noticing the other sex, or whatever sex we are attracted to. There are two basic relationships that are exactly the same except for one thing, the romance in common, meaning its felt by both. And so, there are friendships and there are friendships with the level of attraction and romance felt on both sides, not just one. I do not mean to walk all over your feelings and make it feel insignificant (not important) but the sooner you understand some basics, you won't have the questions as to what went wrong. Talking to each other is one level of interest and can be experienced both between friends and romantic relationships. From what you said, the most you both did is talk, not face to face but on line. So there is the chance you felt the something more like romance when all he felt is friendship. Your next question might be, How can a person who is your friend, all of a sudden ignore you, stop seeing you? Well other than the obvious of having fought, argued, or one hurt the other, there is one more that all people I know who were my age from teen years through their twenties, and it is forgetting your friends and devoting 100% of your time to your new sweetheart, whomever you are dating or spending time with in person. You did mention knowing he had interest in a classmate in his new class. Perhaps the interest was more than just as friends, but more than friends. Don't think its just guys who do this to girls who are friends. I have heard more often from girls who feel they lost their best friend (a female when that female began dating and especially at this young age when everything you feel is so new and exciting, it is very easy to put all your effort into seeing more of the romantic partner. It isn't even intentional on the part of friends who forget to spend time with friends when dating. All balance is lost. I remember this well because I and friends experienced not seeing a friend for as long as they were dating someone or some time later in their relationship when the excitement of something new has worn off a little and they will fix the imbalance and start spending the same amount of time with friends as with sweetheart or closer to that balance. Now if the two of you had been dating in person and spent much time together as romantic couple, and he stopped seeing you, I would have to say, he lost romantic interest in you and is moving on but that is not the case. When a friendship is almost all on line, in text, in a chat room on computer, all you can fall for is how a person thinks, or maybe their humor which comes through in print but all the rest is missing. So people will tend to make up and imagine all the rest of the relationship automatically in their minds, not on purpose but out of the human need for something more than just words spoken. And we don't even realize we are doing that. I know someone who called it theater of the mind' like watching a play or movie unfold, we imagine what its like to hold hands with, kiss, be hugged be someone. I don't know of many people who have never done this but I know a lot of people who never realize, even as adults that they are still mistaking their imagined parts of the relationship as for real. The sooner you can realize this happens, you can catch yourself doing it. So this now means you have to decide if you can stand being with him just as friends when he gets over the newness of any other girls he dates or if that would be too painful for you to continue being his friend onlY, depending on when if ever he is ready to come back and be your friend. If he is willing to be seen in public with another girl but not you, then he likely isnt as into you as you might think. So I wouldnt determine in my mind to cut him off and tell him I wont be his friend. At the moment he's made that decision for you. But if he comes back and wants to be friends, you need to decide if you are ok with nothing more than friends and if not, only then is there a need to let him know that you began to have stronger feelings for him than just friends so if he doesn't feel the same way, it would be too hard to just be friends from now on. YOu can let him know you aren't mad, just doing what you feel is best for you right now and you wont be associating with him unless something changes for him in the future and he develops feelings for you.
As for the hurt you feel, even though it was in naivety believing there was something that didn't really exist, I know your feelings are real. Its the same as watching a sad movie and you start to cry, even though you know its just actors and a made up story line, what you are seeing, starts a thought process of how you would feel if it happened to you and so you start to cry. I don't know of anyone who doesn't do this. Its our subconscious mind that listens to our thoughts and based on that, produces the emotions we feel, like sadness, anger, love. So if your thoughts all about this young man are mostly situations you have imagined and dreamed of happening in your mind, your subconscious mind will pick up on that and produce the feelings such as the ones you have for him.
Also I have heard many people debate that males are not as much into relationships for the right reasons, for the whole relationship, not just dating, kissing and sex. This seems to be a problem with many younger males such as the age group you are in. I heard some buddies in a you tube video tell the public that they screwed up when younger and hurt many girls feelings before they got serious about wanting one female to be with and raise kids with and that doesn't happen at this age, although the girls already want that meaningful relationship to be in place all the way through college or when both are adults and working and then they think about starting a family.
Another point to remember is that at your age, what is more important than being with one person a long time, is to spend time with and date as many different people as you are initially attracted to because it is important for you in learning what things you do like in a guy and what things you dont and you are old enough to know and figure those out. That list of things is what you will use in the future for finding the right man to date, get engaged and married to. Your list will not contain things your friends or parents feel should be there, this is only what is right for you and that is a very individualized, personal thing and what is right for my friends and family is not right for me, same for you. If you can see dating at this age as an information gathering experience time of your life, you will enjoy it only for what it can give you, because its not meant to be a time where you meet the person you will marry. High school sweethearts do happen but it is so rare that there will be only one such couple in an entire year of graduating seniors if a large group and maybe not at all if a smaller school. SO don't count on that happening. If you have more questions you can write to the groups as a whole or directly to me by finding my column, Dragonflymagic in the search for columnists and then writing to me from my column.

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My dad was robbed a couple of nights ago. They took a lot of irreplaceable items; antiques, family heirlooms, etc.. and that can’t be replaced. But they took something that COULD possibly(Not totally but it’s something within my power) be replaced:, a really special amp that was given to him by his best friend as a baby gift, when I was born. He said it’s the best amp he’s ever played on and he’s devastated. I’m on the fence about finding an amp just like the one That was stolen and giving it to him for his birthday, which is coming up soon. But the ones I’m finding that are similar are pretty pricey, and I’m pretty broke. There was one I found that seemed EXACTLY like the one he had but it’s well over $3,000. That would eat up my entire balance on my credit card and I would spend the next 3 years paying it off. It’s already difficult to swing rent and the stack of bills that I pay every month. OR I was thinking I could call the friend of his and ask him to throw in on it (he’s pretty wealthy.) I’m not comfortable asking for money but I wanna do this for my dad. I’m just not sure if I should spend all that money. What do you guys think?

I also vote for setting up a Go Fund Me page and let Dads friend know so he can help you find a good one after you have recieved the funds on Go fund me.

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How do I stop going after emotionally unavailable men? They're huge babies, have commitment issues, cowards, do not know how to be themselves or hold a conversation.
I have a terrible habit and I keep hurting myself. Also, I attract creeps- why is that? I attract guys who I am never interested in.
Help! hahaha

When I hear the term 'emontionally unavailable' I hear 'commitment issues' as in bad thoughts about marriage, afraid of marriage or long term dating, and/or ibes who only want to womanize and play around or they have mental issues with the mind so that they are incapable of loving or caring or growing up.
So I am wondering if you are wanting a man to be with til the end of your days, a husband who adores only you, not other women. If this is the case, then something has to be wrong if you haven't met abt decebt guys yet. I am not there so I can't say what is the problem so I can only sahre my story. After a divorce, I went dating on line. I probably had around 200 or more men write to me. I responded with a no thanks to those who didn't follow directions written in my profile and did not meet the criteria on my list of 'must haves'. So these likely would be the kinds of men you have been meeting. I did respond with texting on line and didn't give out phone # and meet in person until they sounded promising. I also used the net to screen out anything I saw as a problem waiting for me to discover. One such thing was guys whose first words were about how hot or sexy I looked and how I must be like in bed. In my mind, that told me those men were experiencing lust and their motivation was not to find a woman to love and cherish but just as a sexual object. Now I;m no prude and wanted a very sexual man but not to the point he wanted only that with me and not being best of friends either. I understood both aspects made a healthy relationship so if a guy wasn't willing to be the greatest and closest best friend as well as most compatible lover, then he wasn't for me. Could I have been wrong about all of them? No, maybe one, but I figured better to stay safe than sorry later. Another thing I did was pay close attention to how they wrote their profile. If a man spoke in the negative, in his writings, I wrote him off because I wanted a kind, encouraging man whose thoughts were gentle and uplifting and supportive after a first marriage with a verbal abuser. If without giving it thought, all the words coming out of a person are criticizing or negative, they don't make a great partner either. As you can see, I was doing my homework here to find Mr. Right.
I'd see lists with "Don't want fat women, If you can't keep to a budget... Im not interested, and so on, just things that could be said better like want someone height and weight proportionate, and thrifty . I always had a first meet at a coffee shop and I paid my own way. I remember walking up to one guy and asked if he was Greg. He didn't speak, just nodded his head. I asked if he had saved any seats yet and he shook his head no. I realized then I had to ask open ended questions, nothing that could be answered yes or no. So I talked and asked him things to which he just shrugged his shoulders. I probably got ten words max out of him in an hour and gave up and never saw him again. I needed someone who could communicate well with me. I met one guy who was doing okay until it was time to end our meet up and in a whiney voice he pleaded with me to pick him and said it over and over. Please pick me! That killed it for me. Its not that I made a bad choice or that you or other females do, its a matter of knowing when to quit hanging around one guy. The moment I saw something I didn't like, I never got with them again. I also learned people try to put their best foot forward to impress and if there is nothing much good about them, they will not be themselves when they meet you. They will put on a different persona, a false identity you could fall for, but not for long. If you are looking for the person to be consistantly who they portray themselves to be at first, then they eventually will revert back to themselves, after a couple of dates or after a month or so. It takes too much personal energy to keep up a false identity so it is guaranteed that every liar will be slipping up. Such was the case of a man who promised he didn't smoke, one of my criteria as I was allergic to it. He met me twice at public places and all went well, nice and cute looking. 3RD DATE was invited to watch a movie and have popcorn at his place. I drove there, and then we got in his car to go to DVD rental store back when they still existed, to choose a movie. The car reeked of stale cigarette smoke. I asked him why and he apologized and told me his son smoked and borrowed the car often. I had no reason to not believe him. Then later in his house, he patted his clothes, pulled out a cigarette and realized a second too late what he had done out of habit. I told him it would not work out for us and left. He thought I was weak and would just put up with it. Or that if I came on multiple dates instead of just the first, it must mean that I had fallen for him. I did not allow myself to hope until plenty of time had gone by, time spent in his presence, not just months of knowing the person but only 3 or 4 dates, that is not enough time to have circumstances that will show what the person is like on a good day and a bad day, like if ill or having a headache or they got a flat tire. My ex couldn't handle things like that coming up and would get so upset that he had to dump all his feelings and blame on me. Had another guy I thought was still promising. But I saw a behavior in him directed at someone else so even though not towards me, I knew from experience it wouldnt be long before he was intentionally verbally abusing me like my ex. I was invited on 4th date to his home for dinner. He was into vegan meals and would cook one for me. The moment I stepped into his pristine home he said, "Please excuse the mess, my "racial slur used' maid hasn't been doing a good job and I need to get rid of her. Alarms went off in my head. This one thing told me he was possibly a perfectionist where nothing is ever good enough, something I already knew from first marriage, he is racist which means he has hate in his heart, he talks behind peoples backs, and may be anal retentive in how he operates. I wanted nothing of that but being alone at his place, acted as if I hadn't caught all that, ate dinner, went home and never called. He did so I told him that after all those dates, I still didnt feel the chemistry. I had also learned to not point out the actual faults due to my ex, who would blow up and I didn't need an angry stalker.

As to your wondering why you keep attracting creeps, the answer is simple, you are a female and there are many sex hungry men out there who are not in relationships because there is something wr ong with them so other women have left them. So is the case for my ex. Hes had half a dozen women as girlfriends for a stretch of time, the longest, a year before all these women decided to leave him, probably reallizing now why i had left. Remember I had plenty of guys write to me who just were not right at all. I wrote things about myself, hobbies, ect and instructed guys to refer to something I said in my profile if they wrote to me. This screened out the ones who didn't because they only reacted to my photo (none of which were sexy or glamorous) or they only skimmed or didn't really pay attention to what I had written. These were guys who were not interested in the me beyond my skin, who I was inside, or they would have paid closer attention to what I had written. Lots of this can be done without the internet, just meeting guys out there, anywhere or at singles events. I did sign up, went to one singles event,a meet and greet at a restaurant reserved for our group. Saw faces of guys from online whom I already knoew were not for me. Then one guy walks up to stand beside me and gives his name. First question is something religious and even though I am a spiritual person, I do no longer believe some of what some churches preach as the truth. I answered honestly, not wanting to lead a person to think I was exactly like him when I wasn't. His reaxtion to my answer, "Get away from me, you heathen and dont ever walk up to me again." I felt that like a slap in the face but alsotried not to snicher as he walked off because I had not approached him, he had approached me. I had a list I'd made which I refered to, as to the type of man I wanted. I had my criteria and would not lower my standards on any one of them because this list was of things that if not present in the man, made it a deal breaker. This idea was something I got in prayer time with God. So even though I went through 2+ years of meeting lots of guys and the majority turning out to be what you've found or worse, I did not give up. I realized timing was everything and if God had someone for me, that person had to be currently looking as well. Or they might not be looking until a month or two from now. Eventually I found my second husband this way. In fact, he tells me he had kind of given up, was taking a long break from women because the ones he had met were not the women they thought they were. the words used to describe them were what he was looking for but they were nothing like it. So for almost a year, he had temporarily closed his account. It was due to a dream with God telling him to look again and when he saw my profile again, he thought I was 'full of shit' (his words exactly) and that I would turn out to be like those other women. So he was about to pass on to the next when he felt God urging him to write me. Funny thing is that he and I both felt like the words written to us were pulling at us. We both felt an energy in just the words written. We met and saw each other every other day and that was enough to see him being consistent. He also had a teen daughter who liked me and was of same age as my youngest. So after a couple of months, I moved in with him and now had opportunity to witness even more, how he kept house, was he organized, how did he eat, what was he like emotionally when tired, sick, frustrated because I had in the past been the recieving end of a husbands negative emotions. YOu can't learn everything by just going on dates, to a movie or talking over dinner out or anything else nice and planned. You want to be around to catch the guy when all is not that great. And I saw for myself how patient and kind he was, uplifting, unending compliments and uplifting comments, and when upset, he never has raised his voice to me in anger. We both are losing some hearing now so we only raise our voices to be heard if asked to repeat what we said for the umpteenth time and neither of us are ticked off because we know its due to hearing problems, not trying to irritate each other. I was told by many men that I had too high of standards. I just accepted that at the timed. In thinking about it, I realize that I had standards where other woman if they had any did not share them at the very beginning before any problems. Or they never had any standards in mind, just wanted a guy who would be their Prince Charming but things like that don't magically happen. You have to do the work, as I did. I also saw myself as HR dept interviewing for the position of boyfriend/husband but also was open and clear on who I am, describing my good parts as well as my idiosyncrasies so if a guy didn't like what he saw or heard at the beginning, he was free to walk away and I would not throw a fit or get angry. I made sure I told guys what I just wrote so they wouldnt hang around pretending to like me for fear of my crying or being distressed if after initial interest on their part, they now had none. these things will happen and I welcomed these dissapointments because they brought me closer as I saw it to finding the right one. After all, theres that saying we have to kiss a lot of frogs before we find Prince Charming or I call it, Mr. Right. Be picky about the right things though. There is love and there is unconditional love. If I had married him when he only had a little extra weight but wanted to leave him the moment he gained more, that would be conditional love. Having a conditional love is setting some standards too high, or the wrong things high. If a woman wants a man who can financially take care of her, who is wealthy, looks like a movie star, is very gallant, and had to have all of that, chances are she'll be looking forever. A person may not look like a model but still be pleasant enough on the eyes and its more likely that the right person may not work at a fortune 500 company or own it, and look the part of a computer nerd, rather than be the type ogled by women, but often these men, knowing they don't have those things to catch a woman, learn how to treat a female right and make the best partners. So even though my husband fits more in the 'poor' bracket and average looks but over weight, I get to witness how many women ooh and ahh over him and thinks he's the cats meow because of how nice he is to women, not just me. They can sense he is one of the types worth having as a mate, but I am the one who is blessed with him wanting only me. If there is anything else you really want, give me more info, perhaps I can help.

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I have a huge problem . I have been having sex with this this guy for quite some time we are not dating at all we are just friends who are having sex well supposed to be just friends. The problem is I didn't plan on falling in love the first time I have intercourse with him. I don't want to tell him and lose his friendship completely and I think it's only fair for me to tell my true fee. What should I do ? Please help!

I once read a book by a female writer psychologist about relationships, what works, wbat doesn't. She put it perfectly to explain intimacy for example.

In my words, best I can recall is that for women, it is the act of sex that makes them develope feelings of love whether the guy feels any as well, or not at all. Men view sex as a means to what they want and need so more often this is lust and doesn't lead to a monogamous relationship. I have heard so many women believing they were in love when they had sex whether as friends or in a romantic relationship. One needs more than sex to have a compatible relationship. After a divorce, when searching for another mate, I was looking for a best friend and compatible lover, both things which are important for a couple relationship/marriage that will last. Sadly most couples have only one or the other, not both. You have to be sure how the guy feels. I have also read of too many guys who felt in love with a girl who showed no signs of feeling the same and thought that being just friends or friends with benefits would bring her close enough to get to know him and fall in love but like you afraid of saying something and losing the person. If you are not right for each other, then sex alone isn't going to do it. I know you probably have spent time together doing stuff other than sex but that wasn't important enough for you to share here, so I can only guess that although friends, you probably don't feel like he's the best of best friends you've ever had. The second husband I have now is like that, best friend ever but also sexually compatible. What you need is to make a list of criteria of what you are looking for in a guy and also a list describing you so that you are more easily able to share who you really are, and to know what it is you really need versus what you want. A need is non negotiable, a deal breaker if not present in the man. A want is like frosting on a cake, nice but not necessary...in other words, its something you could live without if you dont get it. A need would be a woman who wants kids and to become a stay at home mom but the guy doesn' ever want kids due to bad experiences growing up or just not wanting to lose the freedom as a single person being tied down so. You don't want to find this out after falling for a guy or worse, after marriage. There is no such thing as half a child as a compromise. That is why this would be a deal breaker. a WANT is more like these things I put on my list he must have long hair or head be totally shaven, no ring of hair on a balding man as I don't like that look. I did get the long hair even though I chose him for all his other qualities. Before him, after divorce, I got lonely and went for a friend with benefits thing with a guy a bit younger than me. I did not feel the friendship as a best friend, just plain friends and told him that I was still looking for a guy but if he was willing for just a friend with benefits, that would work for me but I went into this knowing ahead of time that he was not going to be the right man for me for the rest of my life. He was willing but he fell in love with me but didn't tell me. I found out only after I moved and tried to keep in touch over internet but he didn't want to and said it was because he had fallen for me and i hadn't so it was best to not talk to me and reopen the wounds for him.]

Heres a line that works well to discover if he does have feelings or not. You state: "Our friendship is going well, with the friends with benefits too. It got me wondering how well we would do if we tried to be a romantic couple. What do you think?
Notice you don't reveal you have feelings of love. You may really feel love, or only think so but either way, that will scare a guy into pulling away if he doesn't feel the same and not honestly telling you for fear that you will cry and sob and guys are afraid of that. He is more likely to be willing to think about this seriously. If he's secretly liked you and been hoping to take this to the next level, he will say its a good idea or be brave enough to tell you how he feels if its love. If he doesn't feel love, he won't be afraid to tell you it wont work as he doesn't really feel strongly enough in that dept. about you. Or he doesn't feel any at all. And he feels free to tell you because you haven't said that you have developed feelings for him. Let him know in the end if this is the case that you will be his sex partner until you find the right guy for you to marry. He needs to know this ahead of time, not later after you've found someone. You won't believe how many males are okay with any sort of arrangement, as long as you are truthful with them. So you want to tell him thinking its fair. I've shared just now why its not fair to him until you know if he feels the same way. If he doesn't, you have to keep looking. The best longest lasting relationships are ones where both are each others best friend and are really in sync sexually. I was in a loveless marriage before and he treated me more like an enemy, lots of verbal abuse. So I know the importance of love and sexual compatibility. Libido is one, I was high and he was too low. Theres problems if one mate wants it weekly or several times a week and the other wants it less. Both needs are okay, nothing wrong here except two opposite types being together. I was more into trying new things and he wasn't. He never looked at me ever with passion in his eyes. I was really missing out. So you do what I suggested saying about trying something as more than friends, and be ready to walk away from this if he doesn't feel the same, not right away but wnen you find the right one.

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I went to a large gathering and someone was there shining a laser and some kind of equipment throughout the crowd. The laser hit me and caused me to temporary lose awareness and part of my vision was damaged. It took a while for me to realize that I was experiencing discomfort and whenever I saw flashing Iights it use to trigger a PSTD attack. The permanent part of it was that when light reflects off of surfaces it hits the sensitive spot in my eyes and puts me in a semi-aware state, like a coma and I mostly can’t do anything when that happened. The best solution that I have right now is wearing sunglasses but it’s really annoying and uncomfortable to wear those all the time and everywhere. Most of the work that I have been doing requires sitting in front of a computer and looking at the screen, what can I do in the workplace for situations like that because it’s changing how I view and experience my environment.

I don't know anything about how laser lights can hurt the eyes and damage. All I've heard is to avoid looking at them. So there has to be a reason why its not good. I don't know if damage is reversable or anytbing. But I used to be a caregiver of a gal who had regular visits with a neurologist due to temperal lobe seizures. I have known people with issues like yours that came up without the event of a laser being shined in your eyes. So there may be a chance that the laser did damage and or simply woke an issue that would have soon in the future presented itself anyways. To have this cause a semi aware state, like a coma does not sound normal or good. So your general practice Dr. would need to see you so they can refer you to an eye Dr as well as a Neurologist. An eye Dr. can work on eye damamge but if your nerves are damaged, it may take a neurologist to help as well. Go see someone ASAP because waiting and not getting treatment for fear of what you'd hear may be the difference between staying this way or being healed.

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Hi my ex absolutely loved bombed me from day 1 he sent me up to 50 texts a day declaring his interest and love and how I'm his whole word wasnt a day he didn't tell me how much he loved me so a few weeks ago he got drunk and lied and brought a woman to the place he stays said noting happend i forgave since then ive discovered he has a drink problem so i tried support him he ended up been kicked out of the house he lived in because of the drinking so had to return to Scotland toll he could find accommodation here....sunday i was with him and seen a womans name keep ringing phone i asked him he said was just a mate i took phone off him to to discover 2 different women he was arranging to meet up with we had words etc. i told him we would need to talk on r next meet up well Monday he text me drunk as usual telling me he adoured me then silence i was getting worried so asked his friend check on him and found out he was in the womans house he was mailing behind my back as soon as he knew i was aware of where he was he blocked me and updated his Facebook status to in a relationship with this woman never once text r rang me to tell me im now left in a shocking way i planed a future with him some are saying he is a narrsitist that has done this to previous partners

Lying and having affairs does not make a person a narcissist in case you're wondering. What he is , is a player. He has no intention of being truthful or/and commiting to one woman at a time, meaning serial monogamy. I think women are okay as long as while with a guy, that he is devoted only to her.

As to you feeling traumatized, I hope you can look at this rather as a learning experience so you can do better next time. Any person finding 50 different times in a day to text one friend is excessive. When always texting, one can't get anything else done. So just hearing of a guy texting that often to get your attention, was just that, a crazy way to get your attention. He guessed right, it got your attention and you believed him so you got into a relationship, dating and discovered he was a drunk and a loser.I don't know how much time this experience covered, but it takes time to eet to know a person, a whole year would be reasonable unless seeing each other, interacting every day, then in up to 6 months I'd say that one can fairly well know the other. So for him to be able to know you so well in the beginning that he could say you are his whole world is an outright lie used to manipulate you. Don't worry, There are many guys out there who fool a woman really well at first, even me. Just ask if you ever want those stories. So don't feel bad about feeling fooled at first. That is how things work. The only problem is once a woman sees something bad in the guy consistently, she decides to stay in a bad relationship so guys end up trained that it is okay to treat a female like crap because she will still stay with him. Except for you so Kudos to you. The problem is planning a future with someone you did not know well and falling for the words. Words are cheap. It doesn't show for real how a guy cares about you, if its love which women want or lust which is often the case. Once I knew I had learned what signs a man showed that were warning signs to me he might be a bad guy, I found it easy to try meeting someone again without fear of getting fooled. The mistake I made at age 20 marrying the ex was going by what he said. I did not know to look for his actions of how he treated me and once married, his words got extremely obvious and abusive. But then I made excuses for him in my mind and staying with him almost thirty years too long. SO the big thing is have you learned the warning signs with this last guy? You may have to be able to recognize the bad apples before you find the right guy for you. I needed help too to find a new partner after a divorce. I had help of a list God told me to make. Not preaching at you, just explaining how this list thing started. I have it as a document called Finding Mr. Right. This answers how to go about the process whether bumping onto someone in public or meeting them on a dating site. Let me know if you want that because I can send it. But you have to go to my column to request it. So look for Dragonflymagic in columnists and ask me for it. I know you dont feel like trusting another guy right now but if you start making your lists and describing yourself as well, you will make process

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I'm looking to get hair removal done. Does anyone have any experiences?

I can't speak for electrolysis but I had laser done twice about 16 years ago. I am female and was tired of trimming and the itching afterwards of pubic hair and had it done. They tell you some may grow back initially and you might want to go a second time and after that every few years if it does grow a few new hairs. I never had it done again. Not that it didn't work, it did and whatever has grown since then is very sparse and also thinner hair than what was before. They ask you to shave beforehand or do that for you. The laser is slowly scanned over the skin and as it kills each hair root, it feels like the sting of a rubber band hitting your skin. Thats the example they used and I agree thats what it feels like. I did not have any skin irritation afterwards. They also work on men. Some have hair removed from chest, from face if they get too may ingrown infected hair and then of course pubic treatment too. It wasn't too bad in price back then, something we had to save up for on a tight budget and main reason we didn't go back as we agreed we could live with the few hairs that do eventually appear.

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Okay, so my mom blames me for every mess she finds in the kitchen whether I was in the kitchen that day or not she still blames it on me. Today she started bitching at me because the freezer was dirty (apparently from a mess I made)Even though I haven't opened the freezer in days and we've had people in an out of this house for two weeks. I'm just sick of hearing how every mess she finds is my fault. And when I try to tell her it isn't me she doesn't listen. Sometimes I just go along with it and accept responsibility even though I know it wasn't me because that's easier than trying to convince her otherwise. So how can I get her to stop blaming me for every mess she finds?

I wonder who lives in this house besides you and Mom. I wonder how many people for whom this is not their legal address, actually hang out at your house enough to be considered living there, or how many outside the family are welcomed to come hang out there for as long as they like. Because if there are people other than you two, there is either the problem of MOm not being able to realize another adult may have made a mess or she has but a mental quirk people have is when they have a fault, but dont want others to know it, they will point the finger at someone else and claim they are at fault all the time. It was one of my ex's mental health issues he was not willing to go see a Dr for or the many other issues he had. So I recognize something off here. I'll bet if you worked to hard to make the kitchen spotless, over the top clean, that it still wouldn't be good enough for Mom. The more I tried to make him proud, the worse he treated me. IT really wasn't anything I did but I was the closest family he could dump on, all his inner frustrations with himself, his imperfections and whatever other inner demons were mentally messing with him. People like that who don't go for professional help, and no one can force them to go, are more likely to build up pressure like a pressure cooker and like a pressure cooker have a need to constantly release steam and so they do. However there is something of self preservation in them, wanting to stay the same, not get help, and not have other adults realize they have issues, so they keep down the pressure and dont release it until they are home and can dump it on some family member. So even if there are siblings and Mom has a husband at home, someone needing to constantly vent are only going to pick on the ones they feel they can hurt the easiest, usualling the more gentle, quiet loving and caring people. Those who are tougher, would be too much a challenge. So why would Mom pick on you or anyone in the first place? She really may not realize she's doing this as it may be her subconscious mind wanting someone else to be as unhappy, miserable with life, etc as she feels so she takes it that step further to find someone who is the easiest to dump on. You are in a bad situation because when you fight back and stand up for yourself, its like adding fuel to the fire inside that person and they really blow up then. I know from experience how that is. Basically I was verbally abused all my marriage, by my husband until I realized God gave each of us a free will and God was not going to heal my marriage as the church said, by forcing him to magically become a sweet husband with the flick of a magic want or Gods spoken word. That would take away the choice each human has, the choice of how to act and treat others. God told me this, whether you believe in a God or not, its my story, not for you to believe. Just what I went through so I can understand a bit what its like. Although in my case I was an adult and could choose to leave him and get a divorce wheres a minor child is stuck at home until they become adult and can leave. Even if an adult child still living at home, some parents cant transition from parenting a minor to being the parent of an adult so they still try to treat you as if you were 10 years old.
If you have a Dad, talk to him about it. Talk to other adults like aunts or uncles, grandparents because they may be on your side and not believe you are making the messes. If you find someone who is on your side, this person might be someone to speak to your Mom on your behalf because a parent doesn't like being corrected by a child or told they were wrong or made a bad decision. Its hard for any parent for be vulnerable like that with a child but it is important. If you can't hang on until you find your own place and are old enough to do so, perhaps there is other family you can get permission to live with.

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I have decided to add you on here lol.
That's a great idea to make a list of qualities in a man- to broaden my horizon I googled lists to see what other ladies have written. Mainly because I crave a healthy stable guy.
It's like you said not to overthink it but that is quite difficult. Unfortunately I do not have much dating experience but having an idea with what I want on that list is a start like- having a great personality, chivalrous in the terms of being respectful towards a lady- not verbally/physically abusive, or ambitious, is a few qualities I can think of on top of my head. I think a lot of guys nowadays are quite looney- it's quite sad actually and they don't care how they treat women.
The thing is I've always had an idea but have a written idea is better.
How would you write a bio about yourself? What questions should I be asking myself? It is very hard for me to not overthink this when it should be fun to see what he brings to the table. I just know that I do not want to be in my mom's situation where she had an abusive husband- so when I read about the things you mentioned with the ex I immediately knew what you meant. I grew up in that toxic environment so it makes me fear for my future with any guy- hence maybe I should get help with that lol. I have seen past girlfriends have the worst boyfriends and it was all about those guys and it made me quite frustrated. All I know is I want a respectable guy- not someone I worship or feel like I'm walking on egg shells.
I'm talking to a guy right now- we're just starting out as friends and I'm happy to say that's where I want things to be at- at the moment. So, any advice for list making?

Wow, thanks for asking. This is gonna be long. I like what you said about guys being looney. Yeah, it sure seems that way. They want the benefits of a couple relationship while continuing to act single, where its all about them. Males aren't born that way any more than babies are born racists. All children learn from watching grownups. So that means that most of the fathers today are very bad examples. No training from Dad in what he says and also his actions when it comes to females, not just wife but all females. This means the training now falls solely on the shoulders of women. Young women have no experience and want a guy so badly that they inadvertently are training young men that it is okay to treat them badly because she'll still stick with him and he can still get free sex, get his jollies but never do anything for her sexually. These kinds of men are plenty. If one female stands up to him, that's not enough, it takes him getting turned down by all women who experience some bad behavior from him before he's going to see that he needs to change. And that is the explanation of why guys are as they are today. Basically because the majority of males out there they can observe, have no clue either.

I did say talking about yourself and your qualities is important, like going for a job interview although what you say about yourself is going to be a bit different. I partly memorized my review with my last boss in a long term job. He was a friendly caring Christian guy. So I remember the list has a lot of things he could check off that I had and a good majority was not skills in filing, taking phone calls, and use of any equipment. It was more 'relates well with people' ;good at details, helpful in teaching others how to use things, do things. A different way of looking at who you are. Doing a resume was hard for me, is usually hard for almost everyone. But I have an example using myself. I thought back to what things or situations were something I didn't realize I enjoyed so much until I realized how quikly time flew when involved in those things or how often I was found doing those things. Then you refine those things all down to a few qualities that explain who you are. Mine were gardening, doing crafts and being creative with my children, the ultimate mommy as they have told me since growing into adults. These have something in common. What kind of person does it take to do either of these things? It took me a bit to see it but plants and seedlings need nurturing to grow well, no competition from weeds, good soil, water, checking for insect infestation...looking after the wellfare of these living things, is basically 'nurturing' in a word. The same with children, you keep the bad things in the world from hurting them, teach them how to be a contributing member to home and society, show them by example, etc...k and one word to describe it is nurturing again but I also realized I don't mind teaching from experience either as I got older. I did it for kids, friends, and so I do the same here now on Advicenators. Other than that, I could say there were ways of living I would not want to change for anyone which meant my beliefs which had gone from radical religious stuff to a more spiritual and accepting, encouraging style, where I allow others to believe what they believe or support them at the level they are at, which may be where I was 30 years ago. So my spirituality was a part of who I was and why I operated as I did in life and society, that it went on the list. I am not an empath but I really believe in empathy, because it governs how I will act more than having just sympathy for a person. With empathy, I put myself in another persons shoes, not to learn how to become like them if they do something bad, but to understand what might have happened to bring them to that place because if circumstances were different, and I had experienced the past they had, I might have been acting and doing the same as them. That is why I can understand why a guy might be doing something bad. But I can't force a person to change. That is number one thing to remember. Change must come from within. No adult likes to be told they are wrong or need improvement. Think of a job review or other situation, those things just make you feel so small and alone as if you are the only person doing wrong. So I tend to find a way to share first how I may have struggled with the same in the past, or if I haven't, a nameless friend, and how they got over it, improved, changed the outlook and how we thought of something. People are more open to that. Where I am going with this is if you have a guy who does something you dont like. you will know better how to share that with him without condemning him. Imagine if every grade school teacher had condemned you for every bad grade, you would have given up or skipped school lots or dropped out when older. When a person is told what you don't like, it can't be with anger, yelling, condemning and such. However since this works to disarm people, its a good way now to find out if this is a person open to changing for the better, or stubborn, wants to stay the same and doesnt care how it effects you let alone not caring about your feelings in any way. You need to know this is what you want and be able to describe it to a man. Every human wants this but most humans don't know how to BE this way, or do not want to be this way. IN that case, its a one way deal for them, I want to be treated good regardless if I treat you like crap. Understanding this will help you also when you share your list of criteria with a guy because since most are crazy, they will react with anger and call you too picky. Well, it is odd and something new for them to come across and since the majority of females are not doing this, it isn't taught as a way to be socially, they just assume you have issues, when this should become a standard way of people trying to find a mate. There just are no classes and pitiful few articles on this in magazines or on the net or knowing how to find them. Plus lots of advice you are given is just crap. So try it my way and see if I am just talking off the top of my head or I actually am on to something here. I neve read anything of this anywhere. I mostly got this idea from God during time in prayer. Once I got started, as I came across guys with questions I had never covered not thinking them important enough, I added to my lists. Chivalrous is a word even females have mostly forgotton. I am glad you understand this is what you want. So did I. I didn't write I wanted a man who was chivalrous, but used my brain to think of what qualities do I think a chivalrous man has. The man I met online who became my second husband has them. It was apparent in what he wrote. He didn't give a list about himself except for how he knows a man should treat a woman, and how it was described was so precise, correct, with no room for mistake, and not like anything I'd ever heard in my life sadly. Then to top it off, he addressed me with respect calling me "My Lady" throughout his letter. Sure a guy can put on an act and pretend to be what I want but an act can't be kept in place too long It takes too much personal energy to keep a lie going and eventually a guy will slip up or relax and feel its ok to revert to his real self because he's got you hooked. Fortunately for me, simply going on a handful of dates meant I must have developed feelings for him which most men believed and thats when they let their false personality drop away. That is why a guy starts out nice and a gal later wonders what went wrong with him. He was never a nice guy to start with, just a good pretender.
Now how to write what you want. Make sure it is stated in a positive way. I saw someone else use the following and thats what I used. I didn't need a guy with a six pack but even with any extra weight, he still had to be able to keep up with me, not be a couch potato. So I wrote, He must be height and weight proportionate. That is a positive way to state what I want instead of writing, don't want Fat or Obese men. If all the qualities a man was looking for were written in a negative, there is usually something wrong with him. I tested my theory by actually going to the next stage of talking on the phone to a couple. They wanted to talk at me, not ask me things to talk about and most all of it was complaints of what they didn't like in the world. Whether they have a truth in what they don't like, telling someone who just met about your whole laundry list of things that make you angry, your pet peeves, is not the way to find out if you are compatible. Its not a good way to get to know if this person sounds promising enough to date a bit longer to discover more. If what I discover the first time talking or meeting is a turn off, I never go further. If I dont catch anything overtly bad the first coup[le times, I will go out more. What I was looking for was a man who would be consistant in who he was. Thats how you find the ones faking it. My ex faked it way longer than most So I didn't experience his bad behavior until after a month of marriage and my folks were fooled too and though he was great. So don't jump into saying youll be his exclusive girlfriend, or jump into any sort of commitment with him. He can say all he wants about how you are his girlfriend but you are there only to find out if he is consistent. Those who are consistently bad, some hide for a while, others dont and its there from the start and they are easy to avoid. But I hadn't thought to look for someone consistent before. But I couldn't tip my hand and write "a man who is consistently good' because you don't want to tip off a guy how he should pretend to act.

So you put down the first level of screening on screening on the list and if they pass you continue screening them by meeting them and going on dates or rather hanging out together. Lets say you meet a really nice guy but he's got phobias he's never gotton over, a parents bad marriage and many siblings that were also ignored. He may be a very nice person having decided to act nothing like his parents but takes it further in avoiding marriage, never will because he believeds that will ruin a good thing and he also doesnt want kids ever, after feeling he had to compete for attention with them all when it was actually not the amount of kids but issues in parents lives.
You can' ever change his mind and he's not going to therapy for it. So to invest a couple years dating to find he will never ask you to marry, or his outrage to hear you got pregnant and wants you to abort cus he doesnt want kids and doesnt want to be a father, is not a good thing to learn that late. A guy can say he likes kids but not mean it, just to catch you. Let it all be a time you take in what he says about himself and watch to see how he acts around others kids, niece and nephews, or for that matter, how he treats other living things. Does he have a dog and is the dog well trained and loved or does he have outrage at how people dump their unwanted dog on a lonely street. These are things you discover as you date but it helps to state. "Wants children of his own" and "wants to find and marry the women he'll be with til his last days" I am astounded how many women dont ask this. I didn't either and had to wait 7 years until my ex was ready and changed his mind. I lucked out but many divorce over this, then looking for a mate who wants to marry and have a kid asap. If you want a patient man, don't write, 'dont get impatient or yell" thats highlighted in a negative way. I didn't want a man who raised his voice to me after my past. But I simply wrote a man who is not only patient with me but everyone.

Something you want so much you are not willing to give up to get the man, these are called a MUST HAVE. Because if he doesn't have them, thats a deal breaker. So if you want children and ultimate goal of marriage or life long without marriage, then your list could start like this:

A man who:
Wants life long commitment with or without marriage license
Wants children
Treats all women including me with respect
A non smoker
Is snipped or willing to be

And you add things to it as you think of them. My list was updated constantly. I did look for it but in transfers of data to new computers, some data is lost each time and I no longer have that list though I had saved it once. Ill another relating writing I still have later on.

At the time, I was closer to menopause than most women might be who are wanting to meet someone. I couldn't afford the operation to become sterile and talked to my gynecologist about getting on the pill until I got to menopause. He said that even the pills werent good for me due to fact I had fibroids and taking the pill made those grow and they gave painful cramps and I was too old to get the operation. So my list also had a must have of 'You are snipped, had a vasectomy'
I also have a sister who smokes and to this day, I still can't be around cigarette smoke without it irritating my lungs and chest. If I inhale any, my bronchial tubes temporarily close until I can get fresh air. I didn't want to make a guy who smoked go through the hard to quit stuff, even some people I know could quit with the patches or any other method. I can't stand the smell of stale cigarette smoke either. So on my list as other must have was, Does not smoke

These are very specific things hon and it angered many guys, like those who were not snipped and wouldn't do it but wanted to know why. First off, I don't need to explain it to anyone unless I want to. So if that was their first message to me after
reading my profile, I erased and blocked them, didn't want to deal with them again. If they had chatted back and forth a couple times before revealing they were not snipped and wanted to know why before they decided whether to get it done, I would explain in detail my position and the good guys understood. Unfortunately I met a couple great guys like this but already in our coffee shop meet up, we could tell we did not have any chemistry. For younger folk without as much life experience yet, a good way to tell as I also did this, is give each guy I met, a kiss goodnight before parting, or let them give me a kiss. If you melt into that kiss and you want more, theres chemistry. If it feels llke a male relative, dad,brother, uncle just gave you a romantic kiss, that yucky eewwww feeling, there is no chemistry. If its feels really nice but doesn't make you want more or feel your heart go giddy or pulse pick up, it might be enough to get by a couple times but theres not enough chemistry to make it last a lifetime. So in my writing went something about romance and alluding to sex. I lost most everything but other than the list of my must haves, here is what I have which you may want to use, whether on line or in person if you memorize most of it.I will put my current day reasoning in parentheses for each statement.

I'm looking for a man who is secure in his masculinity,(he knows how to be a male, doesnt apologize all the time,isnt afraid to be a male and doesnt feel threeatened by other males) has a good self image,(men can suffer this same as women and if they constantly seeking your praise, there might be something wrong)you're patient, (impatience is obvious to most in a tone of voice along with body language but impatience in my experience led to verbally abusing me a lot) very sharing and giving type, (giving doesnt mean recieving gifts, but their undivided attention or acts of service, loving touches through out day) very honest and open in communication. (I especially need the open and honest part because most of us are not mind readers. Also if I felt anything at any particular moment, no matter how silly it felt, I made myself vulnerable and shared what I was feeling. He responded in kind, sharing the thoughts in his head before I had to ask. It was very special that he and I were able to share a special energy that almost felt tangible, when ever we were close, like hugging and snuggling.) Also would like men who are laidback, easygoing,(I also wanted someone I could be comfortable with and him with me so if an occasional loud burp or I accidentally farted, I dont want to live rest of my life worried I might offend him when he acts offended and is asking me not to do something that is a basic human body action) youre into natural health and healing, ( I didn't require a person be extremely religious about this, just reasonable like eating more home cooked meals than eating out, willing to use some natural ingrediants for supplements to stay healthy or treat basic colds and flu) you are very logical in thinking like myself, (I had to love how the guys mind worked, how he came to conclusions, his basic outlook on life, this could say positive instead of logical but men relate more to the word logic) you can be gentle and romantic but also a bit on the wild side, ( I am letting the guy know here I dont want someone always frantically desperate for sex in how he acts and grabbing me roughly at other days of day, I want someone who sees the value in cultivating the right mood and doesnt see it as a waste of time, and also letting him know that I like variety, a man who can be slow and gentlebut at times wild and satisfying in bed) comfortable in anything from suit to jeans and tee, or fine dining to impromptu romantic picnic, ( the more rigid he is in what he will wear, could mean he would rather stay in a rut than try something new or be spontaneous which kills the joy in the relationship) enjoy music, if you like to dance and or sing, thats a plus. But above all, you are a gentleman and know how to treat a lady. (this means he has manners, puts you and your needs first before his, and will build you up with words,and support whatever it is you like to do, supporting your talents.)

I have been kinda all over the place, found it hard to concentrate today. So if you need anything more explained, let me know.

Lastly a few words as to what the good guys want. A female who is respectful enough to bring home to meet the parents, but can be a wild cat with him behind closed doors, he wants a help mate, an equal, and she is not demanding, a shop a holic, but fair, understanding, able to see that there is the little boy deep inside each man who needs nurturing and kindness, even though on the outside they act as a rough and tough male. These are a list of what I have found over time, in my life and that of others I know well, this seems to be what guys want but don't go looking for or asking for, weird huh?

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I used to have this raised freckle in the middle of my stomach. I picked it off all the way but now there is a big round scab instead. Once the scab goes away will there be regular skin or will the freckle come back?

As already said, there's no way to really know, only a dermatologist who has a degree for learning how to diagnose skin conditions can be fully trusted to help you. Can't say what will happen after the scab. I did that once to a raised bumnp freckle at the top of my arm as a kid. It looked like a darker area after and flat but you could feel the texture was different. As already said, if its something new that is growing, changing color, most likely something for Dr to check if there are cancer cells present of not. They always look like birthmarks to me. Brother had one behind ear that wasn't there before, but it wasn't spreading or growning outwardly, just inwarkly. THe point here is bumps and lumps and an area that won't heal and keeps scabbing over but becoming raw again without your interferance. I am older and have found that in my family, there runs skin conditions. Hardened raised skin that is not cancerous, but look like moles. I had one from birth, my Mom had one over her eyebrow it made the brow sag down and she had it surgically removeed. Then there are soft fleshy bits of skin a Dr. will tell you are skin tags. You need to know first from a Dr. that something is a skin tag and they can remove it or instruct you what to do to remove it. I had an adult frriend in office who had new ones keep growing, mostly on her chest and they would get caught on jewelry and rip and hurt. She was going in 2 or 3 times a year for that, no joke. The Dr knew it must be getting expensive for her and told her what she could do herself to get rid of. There are plenty of nerve ending and blook flow to these that keep them alive. I had a big one of these too. So in asking Dr. if I could do same as my friend, they said yes, but its the long way and can be a lot more uncomfortable for longer in that process. You have to get Drs permission for this because it won't help if there are bad cells involved that are under the skin, and it can keep spreading. So all I had to do was tie thread around it a little bit tight, tie it and leave it until it got comfortable again, a few days later, then tighten it a fraction more, and so on until it is cinched as tight as possible around the base. This process cuts off blood supply and it dies and eventually falls off on its own. There are freckles and other flat birthmarks. And then also in my family runs something called Hemangioma. It is rare but not harmful and it is genetically passed on sometimes skipping a generation or staring as a baby or getting it as an older person. I never had it til now. Didn't when I had my third child who within weeks grew bright red bumps on her head and face. One was at the hairline about half the size of a dime, another under right eye, a tiny one on side of nose and one at back of head. So I'll tell you in case this is what you see on yourself, what to do. You do nothing to do. Think of it like a weakness in a garden hose where the rubber bulges at one point but doesn't break only in this case its little veins that form a bulge. And since the vein is thinner due to stretching and bulging, the blood inside it is what makes it so bright red. I once heard a lady screaming and turned around to see she was pointing at me. She was a distance away and thought the bright red spot was my baby bleeding from her head. Because these are veins and carry blood, you leave them alone and do nothing to them. If gotton as a baby, those will fade away bit some of the loose skin in that area will remain. If you get it as an older adult, as I have, chances are they will remain red til the day I die. Lastly, there are flat brown spots that can show up on older peoples skin and you've probably seen them on really old people as tons of brown about half the size of a dime again. They appear slowly and are not harmful. I did get one appear on a fore arm when I was in my early forties, still raising kids and so I didn't connect it with liverspots as they are called. Got a mosquito bite next to it and scratched and scratched, even in my sleep and discovered I had scratched the skin off of liver spot as well. When it healed, the area where the spot used to be totally lacked any pigment. I am a white person but the skin is normally some sort of peachy color. this healed spot was white like snow and in decades, has never regained any color. It would not be a good idea to ever remove lots of these as you;d be unprotected against the sun without melatonin in the skin where a liver spot used to be. So with all I've shared, I hope you see the importance of reporting any skin changes or things you are tired of seeing from childhood and asking to get these skin conditinsd evaluated by a skin doctor before deciding to do something to it yourself.

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I'm an 18 year old girl from the UK- but I don't wear makeup or anything, I don't drink, I rarely ever wear dresses, and I don't do anything to my eyebrows either- so I kind of feel left out when conversations about makeup, fashion or partying comes up.

My friends find it really strange- they're like 'how can you be confident enough not to wear makeup?'- but it's nothing to do with confidence why I don't wear it, it's just something that's never appealed to me. I'm not a very confident person full stop, I'm very shy- so it annoys me when people confuse the two.

And they've also all, since becoming 18, transformed into massive extroverts who drink regularly- whilst they were previously very introverted like myself, and I don't know why they've suddenly changed. 18 is the legal drinking age in the United Kingdom, but they're too much of party animals for my liking these days- do you think I should stop hanging around with them? They often wonder how I can have fun at parties without drinking, and I just find that a sad mindset and am kind of sad to see that they've changed so much.

No hon, you are not odd for having no interest in those things. Lets start with makeup and I toss in any body look altering such as boob jobs, botox and such. It isn't something you do to the outside of you that gives a person confidence as they say. Rather it is working with the kind of thoughts a person has about themselves 24/7 that affect them, no matter how their hair makeup and nails look.So if their thinking, and emotions and feelings are not dealt with, no amount of what they do to the outside of themselves in going to help them. That would be a self esteem issue. Though sometimes self esteem and self confidence do work hand in hand. "Esteem" is derived from the Latin aestimare, meaning "to appraise, value, rate, weigh, estimate," and self-esteem is our cognitive(thoughts) and, above all, emotional appraisal of our own worth. So when a person doesn't feel good self esteem by changing what they wear or use makeup, it is often that drinking comes next. Maybe if I drink socially, people will like me better. But the real problem is not liking oneself to begin with so that does nothing to help. This is a downward spiral. People who lack confidence will drink a lot which helps to shed inhibitions so they are more able to do the things they should be doing while sober but can't so they drink initially for a social reason but keep doing it and drinking more due to lack of confidence and self esteem. Being normally quiet or an introvert, (i used to be one) is just a personality type of thing, not a bad thing, but they are grasping again for anything outside of themselves, instead of working on their own view of themselves. Somewhere along the line, these kinds of people assume if they were more outgoing, they'd be more popular and liked. So they drink a lot to become more open and outgoing only the drinking distorts that to becoming too loud and boisterous and also stupid acting and so on. Be glad you don't need that like they do. Not being a dress wearer is pretty much a personality thing. We all dress in ways that we feel expresses best who we are and what we like. I like feeling comfortable and that's a big priority and wearing pants is often more comfortable than wearing dresses or thinking a female has to get all dressed up and sexy to catch the eyes of men. Unfortunately, men who do respond only to this visually stimulation, are just looking for easy and free sex without commitment.

I have heard from a few guys who asked if I could explain why college girls were so into makeup and what they looked like when it all looked so fake and unappealing to them. One guy referred to females who do stuff to their eyebrows as having fat hairy caterpillars on their face. I know, I have a niece who does that and it does look like fat hairy caterpillars, so I laughed when I saw that description by a male. I dont fuss with my hair, just put it in a clip or ponytail if not hanging long and loose. the only treatment my hair gets is brushing and washing and conditioner. I dont even blow dry it, letting it dry naturally which gives me slight waves, whereas drying makes it straight. I am grand ma age, divorced first husband and happy with the second. So I dated later in life to find my second husband. I met all sorts of guys, those who turned out to like older women even if not older by much, women who were pretty but natural looking, confident and had self esteem. Young men will naturally have their attention go towards model types or try to date the girls who dress themselves up and wear make up and change how they look. But many of them change as they grow older and realize those women are fake and empty headed, drama queens that turn them off. A few realize this early on without ever being attracted to such women. I am a female who didn't have many female friends because they were like your friends. Even in church, women were always talking about chick flicks or their birthing experiences for the umpteenth time and I found no interest in belonging to talking to them. I have always made friends with men more easily and enjoyed talking to them than women. It doesnt mean I'm a tomgirl though that is not a bad thing. There will always be guys turned off by the fake looking and acting women and want a female who doesnt mind helping him work under the hood of his or her car, go fishing, the kind of stuff these fake females wouldn't dream of doing but these males want a female friend, companion and lover who has interest in real life experiences and its not about going to parties and so on. So try and find a few girls more like you. Direct any get togethers with a friend or two from your group by stating what the get together is, whether antique shop visiting, going on a bike ride, going to a museam. You choose, do the invite and work with one individual at a time rather than the whole group because when they're all to gether its more likely that they want to stop whatever it is, and go for drinks. Also, if theres no romantic attraction, males can make great friends too. YOU might try that.

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Some say it is wrong to be glad she is there because she could get beat up or be miserable there. What do you think" I like to think they will try to prevent violence and being miserable could probably help my daughter improve her character. Also, my younger daughter asks questions about what it’s like in the brig. Should I ever let her talk to her sister on the phone"

Yes, prisons are not a comfy safe place for inmates. there are stories of even in juvenile Hall, kids who once back out, had been abused by other females desperate for sex. I heard of one who wanted sex and it was always mutual with a female cus the males of course are locked up separate. So once out, she was so used to sex with females, she didn't have any desire for males even though she had it prior to going into Juvie. Its amazing what inmates working together can hide from those who check on them so even if they want to protect and prevent abuse, it happens....alot. So simply being in Military prison or any prison is going to be a harrowing experience in itself, and could be emotionally scarring and/or may radically change things about a persons character or personality. As I stated, one young lady went in attracted to men but came out attracted to females. She will not need guilt heaped on her from family while in there or after she gets out. But what she will need is someone who can show her how easy it is for her to still make a major mistake after getting out, and why that is possible. If she can have that part about using you as her sounding board, BEFORE she does anything, and if its bad enough she can't talk to you, then she knows to avoid it, only then will she be able to move on in life, and avoid what got her in jail the first time. After all, parents successfully train children to use a potty, and that has never been done as far as I know by rubbing their nose in their dirtied panty, pull-ups or diaper. There is a right way to help ones child, even if an adult now themselves, to make better decisions. She will resist you the moment you condemn her the same as you would not like another adult calling you out about something you did wrong. It hurts, it feels degrading even makes a person shut down and resist whatever you are trying to say. I know cus its happened many times to me. Well meaning people just not thinking about what they are saying. I was helping out as a volunteer and apparently wasn't doing something quite as it should be. I am open to correction but the way it was delivered felt like a barb that hit my heart. They gasped and in raised voice, "Oh my God! What are you doing? Thats wrong!!! It felt awful. Correction works better if a person uses honey. Now if they had told me, "Thank you so much for volunteering here. I guess someone didn't fully explain how to do this right but we can fix that now. I realize its not your fault but it really needs to be done like this..." and then I am told or shown how. So think about what if it was you in jail at a young age for something, maybe not drugs but the crucial part being you made a bad decision that will hurt you in life, might make it hard to get a job. Thats stuff on record that many would never trust her with anything, even though she may have learned and changed. Would you be okay with not hearing from any family or at least siblings for the entire time locked up? Would you have felt safe locked up with females who were really bad-ass and violent?
Do you feel that you should be shunned by fammily, and reminded of what you did for the rest of your life? If you can place yourself in the shoes of a young person before mid twenties, and using your imagination play out in your mind what if might feel like, and you will probably have all the answers you need including wether to allow a sister to call her or not.

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Thank you for answering my question.
I was wondering what document you were talking about and one of my problems is I know what I want however over the years I have stopped being so ambitious with going after guys. I have been rejected so much in my life, I get a lot of guys who I'm not very interested in. I'm pretty stuck. I'm trying to go out more and have stopped dating sites- at least the free sites where women are considered options or don't value themselves. It's rough out there.

I used internet dating to find out the existence of my now 2nd husband. The first was verbally abusive and I stayed until my kids were adults. You mentioned that guys who were interested in you but you are not interested in them. I even posted nice pics, nothing sexy, think more business like in taste and guys being visual still reacted to my pics with everything from "Did you know you are Hot" to "I bet you are a tiger in bed" and those were opening statements and then very little on themselves in their letter or their profile. If you are a material girl, you won't mind guys who list what they own, like I went to such and such University and have the following degrees, to 'I own a house, two cars, and have a dog'. That tells me nothing about their character. I was looking for a combo of best friend and lover. If I wanted only what they listed as a qualifier to be just a friend, then I would be friends with a third of the men on the planet. These are not the ones you want to "hire' for the position of boyfriend and possible future husband. If you want a better quality of men use a pay site, like Match.com and see how that helps. Guys who are lonely, divorced multiple times, want sex without commitment, or have some major personality quirks that kill relationships are half of what you find on free sites because they do not truly value females and do not want a long term partner or marriage partner. If a man pays, he is serious about finding someone. So perhaps you'd like to meet someone through singles clubs and get togethers and if that doesn't work, your last choice could be something like Match.com

Although I can share my one experience going to a singles gathering at a casual restaurant we booked for the evening. So I was standing around, recognizing faces I'd seen on line but knew nothing about the guys. I could share about myself but I had a long list of qualities I was looking for in a guy and seeing them at that place was not going to tell me what I needed to know. So one guy walks up to me. I guess he was religious cus he asked me my beliefs spiritually and I answered him. Apparently I didnt match his ideas of Christianity and on my third answer he looked appakked, eyes bugged out and snapped at me, "Get away from me you Heathen!" The funny thing is he approached me, not me him. So I did not move. He only took a couple seconds to finally turn around and leave. The other guys just stared but wouldnt approach or start a convo.
So instead of waiting around for a man who is interested in approaching you and meeting you, you will have better success if you do the choosing and instigate first contact. You also have to not be desperate in how you think. I had been married to an abusive man but had no fears of getting caught up with another like that because I had learned what warning signs to look for in the guys behavior. So while it might sound like I was too picky, I was actually proactive, and clear on what I wanted, any who couldnt meet my criteria, need not write me. So now I will share that document:



How to find Mr. Right

I went through this search in my late forties after an almost 30 yr marriage to a man who was never in love with me, verbally abusive and not my sexual match. I was ready to finally find Mr Right and what I believe I heard while praying, is that I had to make several lists and refine them as I went along.

First, how well do you know yourself? I used a dating site 2nd time around. It worked for me to find my true love. However, to fill out a profile for yourself, or to really describe yourself in a convo in person, your personality and who you are at core, is hard to do, like writing about your work strengths in a resume. So this is just as important as a resume only more so. You can easily leave a job that doesn't work out. Its much harder with a boyfriend or husband. So its best to be able to describe yourself well for those few you meet who may be promising. This is not just those met online but any you meet in person as you're out and about. They will have something specific they are looking for as well and need to be able to recognize the possibility that you may be the one for them. At least, hopefully they will, if not, they may not recognize that you are the one for him and that is too bad for him. You want a guy who sees the real you inside too and will know he wants you, the whole package. You'll need this list or bio on yourself before you can form the list of what you are looking for in a guy.

So, ask yourself what it is in life that lights you up, makes you not just happy but content and feeling fulfilled. Ask yourself what is or are the passions deep inside that push you to seek out certain hobbies, pastimes, certain people with the same?

I'll give you an example. One of the things that make me passionate about certain things in life is that I am a nurturing person deep at core. This nurturing desire needs to be expressed and has been through several different avenues. For one, being a mother and raising my kids, now grand-kids, loving planting and tending a garden, and yes, giving advice in an advice column. All of these things require a person driven by nurture, such as my wanting to be of help to you, to see you break free of whatever is holding you back in life or keeping you unhappy.

Once you have defined yourself with some really good descriptive words or scenarios, you will be drawing on this list to make a specific list of criteria of what is most important in a guy.
If you need help with the list of yourself, please just ask me and I will help.

Now, for the list of what you feel is Mr. Right for you.
Actually, there will be two lists. A list of Must Haves, things which if missing are a deal breaker because they are that important to you. Do not let any guy tell you that your criteria is extremely unreasonable. I got that often. It means the guy can't meet your criteria, can't meet your Must Haves and wants you to lower your standard for them and they don't give a crap about who you are and why these are your criteria. A deal breaker would be "I want a guy who wants to have kids", "I want a guy who isn't afraid to commit, settle down and marry," I want a guy who is open minded spiritually and will allow me to believe whatever I do without trying to convert me to his beliefs,' I want a guy who never raises his voice to me and is able to calmly talk things out. I want a guy who isn't a smoker or recreational drug user.
I for example am very allergic to cigarette smoke or the lingering odor of it. Guys who smoked met with me pretending at first that they didn't. Sitting across a table at a restaurant first time, I couldn't pick it up but when riding in their car on a later date it was heavy cigarette odor in there. He claimed he didn't smoke, it was from his son who uses the car but later by habit pulled out a cigarette right in front of me. He felt as many guys do, that it was okay to lie to me cus I might fall in love once I got to know him and the cigarette smoke wouldn't matter to me then. It mattered that strongly to me and pissed off a couple guys real badly but you have to stick with what you want. Sticking with your needs, not lowering standards, helps to eliminate guys with major character faults, such as being inconsistent, liars, cheaters, etc....

Do not worry that this is extreme. In fact it has been found in tests done that men (the good ones worth having) are attracted to a woman who knows what she wants, a woman who will stick by it without making excuses or apologizing for it, not afraid to ask for or state what she wants. This attitude is basically having a strong self confidence and self confidence in a woman is what made these good men choose the confident woman over the model types in looks in a test case study.

The other list is the what you want, like the icing on the cake. It is not a need or requirement but would be nice. This list you don't share with the guy. Its for yourself in case you find several guys who meet all the critieria of your other list, to help you choose from among them.
So here is where you find things like, he likes to go dancing, he is a musician or sings well, he likes gardening, has interest in meditation, has long hair, has a 6 pack. I listed that I wanted a man who was height and weight proportionate. This means maybe there might be some chub but basically they will look reasonably okay without looking like a body builder. These things are not deal breakers to me, but if they are to you, then they're in the wrong list. This list is things you would like to see but if you don't get them, you can live without it, for the rest of your life.

I promise, these lists will help. You'll also refine it or think of things to add as you run across guys or problems that you didn't think needed to be in a list. Then if not using a dating site and posting these out there right in the beginning, at least on a 2nd date if a guy asks you out twice, (means he is reasonably interested in you) tell him you have something important you need to share with him. It's important to you. Then recite your list to him. If afraid you may leave something important off, have copies of your list in your purse to hand out to a guy. If he looks at you like this must be a joke or asks such, keep calm and smile nicely and let him know that you are very serious and have resorted to this measure because simply going out with just random guys in the past and into a relationship resulted in the wrong guy each time. It is okay to give examples if he asks. Make no excuses. If he gets upset or has a problem with any of your criteria, you could ask him why, but you can't rely at this early stage whether he may be telling the truth or not to get you to trust him and lower your standards. It is best to tell him you've decided to not consider him, as if he was an applicant for a job and his resume just isn't enough to get the position of 'boyfriend'. Think of yourself as your own human resources manager, looking for the perfect applicant for the available position of 'boyfriend.' Obviously, you will have to turn away many hopefuls. I even had some guys beg me to choose them by the end of a first time meet up. That killed it. Spoke volumes of them feeling insecure, wimpy as males, and having low self esteem, all of which I wished to avoid.

Back from the document, if you have any questions about anything I wrote or want more details on anything I mentioned, let me know. This is what I used to find my second husband. I had set my profie to show only guys up to 25 miles away and when I changed it to one hours drive away, the man I married was finally able to see me as he was about 45 min away. I was not going to wait for a guy to write me although many did. I began searching, finding guys who sounded somewhat promising but I still needed to know if they fit my criteria, so I wrote them first. Don't wait around hon, thats only going to bring you the undesirables. You pick the guys and once you meet them in person, share your criteria. As I said, the guys not worth having were the only ones who got upset. The good guys understand and will understand if you want to meet in a public place and drive yourself to that meet up, never get in a guys car to get to a date or get home after. Staying safe is possible if you do the right things.

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I got a kitten about a week ago that was absolutely gentle and constantly wanting to play. You could pick her up without issues and she would just purr and purr when interacting. Fast forward to this week and she's become the devil's cat.

My mom suddenly can't touch her and nor can my brother without being nipped. If she has to pick her up to take her downstairs or into another room the kitten claws her and keeps trying to bite despite being fed and cared for by her. We got her for the child in household and now aren't sure they should interact.

We've read articles about this and YouTube but none of the techniques to correct the cat works. The odd thing is that she spends most of her time in my room and then the evenings with everyone else. The cat loves playing with me and sleeps on my bed and even sits on my shoulder. I haven't had an issue with her trying to hurt me. She'll let me pet her even when asleep and stroke her tail, ears and body.

She hasn't wanted me to touch her lately but instead of biting or scratching she will meow or try to hiss. It only happens in that instance.

I know that cats like to have all four paws on the ground to feel secure and that my mother and brother have been picking her up by the scruff like a momma cat would. Maybe it's scared of that. One reason I don't think so is that the people we got her from had kids galore interacting with her and other kittens and all was fine. Is it possible it's imprinted on me and doesn't like other people?

The only other issue is that we have 2 dogs. One dog is friendly and just doesn't care that a cat is in the house and the other snarls when the cat is in its crate. They have never been together or met the cat they just know she's present. The only time the cat is ever in the same part of the house as those two is if we're not home and at night to sleep inside her crate totally protected.

The cat is a Russian Blue crossed with something else we're not aware of.

Im not a cat expect nor dogs either but just looking at the basics you told me, sounds like she's very capable of being okay with lots of people around unless the people you got her from lied about her getting along well with all the kids and other pets.

Cats only like to be touched when They want it and will hiss to tell you to back off if they aren't in the mood. My daughters cat does the same but it is otherwise a loving cat, even coming back inside through her cat door when my daughter says to come check in with her in 15 minutes as if the cat understands. But since you are not getting the bad treatment your family members are, theres a chance she's chosen you as her favorite person. However you did say Mom and brother have picked her up by the scruff of the neck. When were they going to stop, when she's an adult cat? What about all that time in between while still growing much larger than a new kitten and weighing more? I am only guessing here but it sounds uncomfortable at the least. Maybe kittens are okay only with their mother picking them up that way. But if they are old enough to walk places on their own, cats probably see this as humiliating having humans move them around.I am assuming you meant she is not only in her crate at night but also when you are gone. Because if she were loose with dogs around, she would freak out. I had an older cat, then we got a dog when it was about 6 months old. Our cat didn't take kindly to having a dog around and she ran away from home. A neighbor saw her in the neighborhood and we took her home but she left again at her soonest opportunity because she didn't like having a dog around. You've probably seen cute you tube videos of people's various animal pets cuddling, licking each other and playing with each other, like birds with cats, cats with dogs and so on. This does not mean that all animals are going to be the same. That is like assuming all white people are racist, since that is in the news lately and almost all we hear about. Cats have different personalities just like you are not exactly like your Mom or brother or even your friends. So your kitten doesn't want to share a home with dogs, even a friendly one, and our dog was friendly and left the cat alone but she left anyways. Later we got a kitten and she was okay with the dog but would hiss and try to scratch our legs when we walked past, not even paying her attention or trying to interact. So as I said, cats can take a dislike to just about anything, same as dogs and probably other types of animals. We think its cute when a pet likes to eat certain people foods. Well they have taste buds too, so wether a food or person or other animal, one pet can take a dislike to something.Can it be retrained to get along with other pets, or at least tolerate its presense. Obviously, your one dog does not like cats. If I wanted to keep all my pets and some didnt like each other, or like some people, I'd find it a good idea to call a cat or pet specialist to come to the home and talk to you all and watch the animals to see what they do. It is worth paying for a couple visits like that to learn if there is anything to fix your situation than go on for years with the animals and humans in the house being miserable. If you learn that the cat would do better in a house without dogs and thats the only thing making her so jumpy she attacks humans too, then it might be best to find a home without dogs where the people will adopt her. If this happens and you all still wantk a cat, I would take the dogs along in the car. Have the owner let you choose a kitten, and walk with you to the car so they know you aren't taking off without paying, but its just to see how the dogs like the kitten. If the one still doesn't like a cat, then you may have to wait until that particular dog gets old and dies before getting a cat. Otherwise you may not be able to have a cat if a professional tells you there is nothing that can be done. I've had both cats and dog and dwarf bunnies, a hamster. When we brought the rabbits home, two of them, we wanted to be sure our cat wouldn't attack the bunnies. When my daughter held a bunnie close to our female cat, she began to lick and clean the bunnie as if it were her baby and we knew all would be okay. I have never heard the thing about needing all four paws on the ground to feel secure. All our cats have jumped up onto things they thought would be stable, little narrow ledges and so on. It was only that they need something secure under their feet, not that the feet are on the ground. If they leapt and landed on something that wasn't stable and it wiggled or toppled over, a split second later they'd changed their trajectory to go elsewhere. I don't like being near people who don't like me so I can only imagine what a kitten must feel like to have a dog snarling at her, while she's in her cage. That;s like you Thats like you getting adopted by people who love you but there is another adopted child already part of the family. That child starts to treat you meanly. Every day and yet you are expected to not rock the boat and show any dislike for your situation cus the moment you act out, the parents, think you're being difficult and drag you to your room for time out. You would hate that, wouldn't you? I know I would. y being That would feel unsettling. I am sure the cat feels the same way. It may really only be the snarling un-accepting dog that is her issue but I don't know for certain. SHe may be so miserable that she is turning on humans to show how unhappy she is and who knows why she hasn't started to turn on you. Maybe she senses something about you and likes you more than other humans. People again are the same, and that is why we aren't close friends with everyone we meet ever in our life, theres some people whose vibes turn you off on being around them. People can take a dislike to a person they have never met in the past. Happened to me so I know its possible. Not only was I disliked by someone but I have had people who tried to force their way into my husband and my life and they were so different from us that we didn't like them or pursue them but they kept coming over to see us until one moved and we called the police on the other as he had a previous police record and was up to his usual stuff, lieing cheating, stealing and my husband would no longer want to be working with him and get blamed possibly for something the other did. So if people can take a liking or dislike to someone they just met, its very silly to think that other living creatures like animals don't. Try an animal trainer first to help.

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In short, I had a really stressful junior year of college. I was so stressed out between school, work studies, being a resident assistant for the university, a break up that past summer, the death of my lifelong cat, and everything else related to personal family ties. I got next to no sleep during this time, and when I did sleep, I was met with horrific sleep paralysis which resulted in drastic and unfortunate mental consequences. The consequences were so intense that I had what psychiatrists called a “brief psychotic break”. Before the holiday break, I had reached out to some friends and told them what was going on and what I was experiencing. It was during the time when I was still pretty unwell, so I probably shared too much, and assumed it would be information kept with some respect or at least secrecy out of concern for my obvious unwellness. Over the holiday break, I was sent to a psych ward for four days. Thanks to my work with counselors and the use of other resources, I have recovered and am well, and I am very thankful.

For some reason though, something came to my mind yesterday, despite it happening last year, closer to my break. A guy I barely knew messaged me on Snapchat when I still had the app and asked me “are you really psychic?“ to which I responded, “who’s telling you this?” And he said, “oh -the person in question- told me you think you’re psychic.” I want to say something to -the person in question-, but am curious if I should.

The issue is old, and I was in a different space during the time of the Snapchat message, hence why this wasn’t addressed earlier. However, I am really frustrated about this. I feel that the darkest point of my life was exposed and exaggerated for the sake of gossip, which is something the person in question is known for loving. I want to at the least have a conversation with them saying that now I know what they did was wrong and that I don’t appreciate them sharing something so private about my personal timeline. I just don’t even know how I’d bring it up. I could say it came up in a photo memory, but no doubt they’d ask for a screenshot. I literally just thought of it all yesterday and I really do not know why. A few people in my life are saying that I should simply use this event to serve me in a guiding sense to “be more careful” around this individual. I usually am particularly careful, as I am not super into dramatics. I do, however, want to advocate for myself, not really expose anyone. If I want to be petty, I can use it as a yu-gi-oh card style talking point in the event of a need for a desperate measure, but that of course sounds childish to me.

I feel silly writing an advice request for an old issue, but it truly has been irritating me for the past 24 hours. If anything, validation and guidance are appreciated. Advice on whether or not I confront, leave it in my back pocket, or move on also greatly welcomed. Thank you for your time and for reading a brief overview of my largest obstacle. Stay well, all!

I agree as the other person said that "Psychiatric issues are yours alone to disclose" however unless I read this all wrong, you realized something was wrong, but not neccessarily that it would turn into a psychotic break. You needed to see some one who is a specialist and eventually you did, only because you told friends, one or a couple who were concerned for you and told others. Its the same to me as a person who wants to commit suicide, tells friends but not an older trusted adult or parent. It is now up to someone your age to get this info to an adult. I had a daughter with depression through her teen years, and I never saw it though I spoke with all my kids daily alone time with them where they know they could share anything, even sex stuff and I would remain calm and understanding and not fly off the handle. Those who may have shared info cocially on you, is not right but they are young yet, unable to see posslbie consequences to any of their actions Before choosing their action, just like you because your age group I am guessing is below 25 yealrs old. Scientlsts have determined that decision making is crippled until then by an immature frontal lobe of the brain so they can't help but do stupid and yes, hurtful things often. Look part the stupidness to why they talked about you, even if it was supposed to be a secret. They were worried. We usually tell as many people as we can about something hoping that one person will know what to do, but it doesn't work if all those who know or are talking are without a working frontal lobe. What should have happened is you telling not friends but trusted adults. One of my daughters went to her Aunt for advice when she knew her issue was something I was against in my beliefs. I was short sighted then, but not now. SO I am glad mt daughter went to her aunt. So if not a parent, then a trusted teacher, even a school counselor. I know I am trying to give you answers that I wouldn't have followed yet at your age because I had a great fear of what other people were thinking of me or would think of me. Its this fear that holds you back in life, or in getting help when you really need it. The truth is, no one really cares, aside from teens and young adults who don't know any better due to the frontal lobe issue. But I speak of older adults. They won't ctiticize you for having an issie with diffecult things that led to seeing a psych Dr. I figure more people have something happen in life, who don't have mental illness but do have a mental issue due to a situation in life. These situational episodes are quite common but I figure many don't realize they had it or have it.k I did. I was married to a man who was mentally and emotionally abusive. I stayed san but the stress gave me all sorts of stress related medical problems. So I went once for counseling to see if talking to a professional would help. My ex husband was someone I couldn't depend on to help in household stuff or with kids and the abuse too, so I tried to do everything all myself and my Dr. told me it was like I was burning the candle at both ends. Either he is willing to go into counseling, get help and change or I would have to make some drastic changes. And so it went, I had to divorce him to avoid getting so sick I might die.

You do not have to go back and talk to anyone regarding what you went through. If no one brings it up, don't start stirring it up by bringing up something that might remind them of it.
As for a guy saking if you are psychic...he probably read something someone else said, and either they wrote the wrong word, meaning to say you were psychotic instead of pschic. Or maybe they used the right word but he read it wrong thinking it was the other word, psychic. So to bring it up, with him, or find who told him that, would open up a can of worms so to speak. You don't want that to happen, so do not confront, and just move on. But in the future, if ever you find yourself in another sticky situation, I really hope you would share only with older adults who know you, and care about you because they can help steer you the right way and they wont tease or condemn you or think any worse of you for it. Also, since you feel silly, writing for advice, this tells me you don't understand how writing in here was one of the better things you did, because you were reaching out for advice. Do so next time with adults you love who love you too and yes, parents top the list. But if the parents themselves never grew up, then extended family, teachers, and counselors, even priests, are the very much needed step to take, sharing your situation and asking them. Dont stop at one persons opinions and many will share from experience and if they never had such an experience they won't know how to help but say something that sound logical but won't apply well to you. Talk to a tell a few people so you can see if the consensus is the same or not and if too much differing advice, its time to talk to a specialist, and to me, a specialist is someone who studied, trained and got a degree inthe area you need help in. so even a lawyer qualifies as a specialist, a specialist of laws and rights.

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Feel sympathy?


My 19 year old daughter will be spending 13 months in a military prison for drug charges

I am unable to have much sympathy for her about this because she broke the rules even though I never told her it was OK to participate in illegal activities, embarrassed herself and has to go to prison and will likely get dishonorably discharged. . Not to mention set a bad example for her younger sibling. Instead of feeling sad for her I’m thinking I know where she is and maybe being incarcerated will teacher her a lesson

If she wasn't doing any thing illegal long before joining the military, then this would be her first major transgression that will affect her life. I will sahre one thing that helps to understand why teens and young adults make terrible choices and decisions often. RFead this article as its faster than me retyping it.https://www.npr.org/templates/story/story.php?storyId=124119468

It is titled Teen brain but it covers anything up to the mid twenties when the frontal lobes of the brain are finally mature and connected to the rest of brain. This missing part is crucial and without it, your daughter made a bad judgement error. Once she reasches her mid twenties, she should start making better choices. If she still isn't capable, then it might be good for a mental health Dr. to see her. Otherwise, the stupid thing she did now has only one excuse she isn't even awere of, her brain isn't mature not the frontal lobe conneted yet so she can't help but make stupid decisions.

Now you ask about not feeling sympathy. The dictionary says sympathy is a feeling of pity or sorrow for the distress of another. Empathy however is ability to imagine oneself in the condition of another; a vicarious participation in another’s emotions. I see sympathy as something that life dishes out to an individual that they had no part in creating, like ones family member dying in a car accident, someone mugging you,your car stolen, that sort of thing. But sympathy isn't very helpful to me. I can only feel sympathy if it is something I have experiences myself or something close enough to it, like knowing what it is like to lose a parent. I use empathy more, imagining myself in the other persons shoes, trying to understand what drove a person to say, or do what they did or what they are currently doing. I look for scientific reasons behind something, maybe if there is something medically wrong, the type of people someone is hanging with, latch key kids with little love, attention or discipline during their younger years. I know I would certainly have said or done similar things. I remember not having good ideas but a young person can use a parent or another trusted adult like an aunt as a sounding board to bounce ideas off of. Si your daughter when out again is 20 mayber closer to 21 but thats still a ways from 25 or so. She could easily make another really bad decision and mistake if she doesn't realize the situation she is in with her brain. I used my parents as sounding boards. I came up with the idea, than ran it by them to get their input before finalizing any decisions. That is what your daughter will need to understand once out again. Telling her how bad she was and how she screwed up over and over is not going to help, no matter how much we want to do this as parents. Im a parent, I understand. Even if its a problem and you have the answer, you can't tell them as if they were still minors, I only ask if I could give them some advice on a situation they are struggling with and not a one of my kids has ever said yes. They want to be aduts now that they are a certain age and its tricky for a parent as they still heed help but at some point, I would say as soon as she gets out of prison, that you have a talk with her. Tell her you still love her, you just don't like what she did. Its a basic principle as in God loves us but he doesn't like our sin. But our sin doesn't ever make HIm stop loving us. Its hard for a parent, I know but that is where I viewd it as an opportunity for me to learn some life lessons myself and strive to handle things in the best way possible. So no, you don't need to feel sorry for her. She likely isn't going to be able to see where she went wrong or what was wrong with what she did until she grows older and looks back, then she may understand. Just remember one thing more, that people should not be defined by their past but by how they are now sa a person. She won't have learned much from sitting in prison. Not unless she is a very introspective person, always looking within herself, questioning everythibg in her life until she understands. Not many young people around like that. I was a little bit, but not enough to avoid marrying someone who fooled even my parents whom I asked for their advice on when I got proposed to by him. I was twenty when I married him, and I just didn't know better. Looking back, I can see what the warning signs were but neither my parents or I had any previous experience to fall back on regarding my situation. I raised kids and stayed until they were grown and then divorced. I should have left sooner. But I know that even when trying to make good decisions, before mid twenties or a bit older, a person is actually mentally crippled, unable to make good decisions as an adult would. Keep all this in mind when conversing with her. Love her but let her know you don't like what she did. I would suggest you showing her the site I gave you or there are plenty others on the subject. SHe needs to know this, otherwise she is more likely to make another bad decision again. She is more likely to learn if you keep reminding her you are there for her to use as a sounding board. If she can't imagine asking your perpective on something, then whatever it is, its not something she should be considering doing. If she has an idea but unable to think of consequences down the road, even to something as simple as marryihng young or having a baby at a young age, she is never going to learn how to connect the dots of action to consequences and until she is able to see down the road before she makes any decision, that she needs to learn to use much older stable adults to bounce her ideas off of to gain more insight viewpoints and see if there is anything she missed in planning something. This would be the best way to handle it. If you are willing to rise up to this challenge, then both you and daughter will learn something from it.

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Alright I just want to say I have an extremely hard time meeting guys, at the moment I do not have friends and have always struggled with friendships. However I have questions, how can I meet guys since I am in my 30's? A guy with substance, a respectable guy? I am in the process of working on myself and I have always had a very time meeting serious guys. Most guys I meet aren't serious or flake out. It's very stressful and I have lost hope. What can I do? Lastly, I want to share a quick story about a recent incident with a guy I met. I met this guy through a meet up and he remembers me in the past meet up. With him remembering me from a past meet up I was excited- I thought it was funny he remembered me in the past. From talking to him at this event I felt a connection with him- great right? Well then I started getting red flags- he'd only text me late at night or wait very long periods at a time to get back to me or even a day in between each conversation. At the time I took it as okay he doesn't want to come across desperate or needy, I get it- play it cool. But then he started to text me late at night at 12:40am and 10:00pm on two separate nights. I was frustrated and thought yeah I'm not that kind of girl, so I told him to please contact me at a reasonable time. He then got offensive and said he had a life blah blah blah he goes to work and has volleyball, then I thought, well so what? I work as well you can text me during the day. I also remember him saying at the event he and another girl were making out and then he found out she had a boyfriend. That turned me off lol. Another thing is when I set boundaries in asking him to text me at a reasonable time he got defensive and said well I guess that's one of your pet peeves. Then I said well any respectable woman would like that. He then said I wasn't showing him any interest. How could I show a guy interest when he throws me breadcrumbs?? He takes a very long time to text and only texts me late at night.
Do you think I should drop this guy? He says he wants to go out but I can't respect a guy who doesn't value my boundaries or doesn't treat me right. If he has time to play "volleyball" he has time to message anyone at a reasonable hour. I got the vibe where it was all about him and he doesn't respect women. AM I wrong? He sounds like a player to me and just wants to get in my pants. I have set days where I can meet up with him and I feel like he dismisses anything I offer. I just met this guy lol he doesn't sound like a good guy to me. What are your thoughts? Where on earth can I meet serious classy guys? It's very rough out there and it isn't fun meeting guy after guy who doesn't respect women.

Drop him girl!!! You have to be picky to get what you are looking for in a guy. ANd then just waiting to bump into someone as you are doing your regular routine, sounds good but reality is you won't meet someone that way or if you do, he won't be a man of substance which you seek. My first marriage was over, and I am social and wanted to meet someone so I set up a free dating site on the computer, actually two of them. But instead of using an open space to answer a question like "What do you usually do on a friday night, I put in two lists, one describing me in detail and the other, a list of criteria a guy had to be able to meet to write me because he'd be wasting his time otherwise. I had a few guys get mad and tell me I was too picky, unreasonable and would never find anyone. But I did. I kept true to what I wanted. Even met some really nice guys but they also sensed there was no chemistry between us. Of course this wasn't people in their twenties, we were in our forties and some into their fifties, old enough to have some idea of what real chemistry felt like. So I used the internet as a way to learn of the existance of men. I did not want to try to build a friendship online because it is too easy for the other person to hide things so I wouldnt chat onliine after a week if we couldnt meet in person in a public area, my favorite, a coffee shop so I could pay my way, never let someone pick me up, drove my own car. Many did not make it past the coffee shop meet.
You want a man with empathy, who can put himself in your shoes and figure out why you say or said or did or do what you do instead of taking personal offense. I actually wanted to see this behavior right up front, so I wouldn't waste my time with with them. I had an emotionally and verbally abusive husband first time around. I now knew that if you see an undesirable behavior once in a person, if you watch long enough, they'll be consistant and do it again or say it again. There is no such thing as a bad behavior that is a one time fluke, an accidental occurance. But I was young the first time and made excuses in my mind to explain his behavior. I was talked to like crap. I only didn't lose my self respect because I would pray and God told me that my husband was the one with issues and I hadn't done anything wrong. I was willing to change and apologize if I had though. I learned that a new person you meet has the ability to hide who they truly are for only a short period of time if they feel they have something bad to hide. They aren't stupid. people know when they have undesireable traits and don't want to change for the better so they pretend, put on a false front, put their best foot forward so to speak and only let down their guard and revert to their real self when they think they have you hooked, that you have fallen for them and therefore will take any crap they dish out because you are locked in by your feelings. If a girl is willing to see a guy again, that also gives guys a sense of security, that all is well. I have two guys, one who lied to me right off the bat and the other who showed his true self at the 4th date. and I don't blame myself for not seeing their real self at first because they were truly hiding it well but people only have so much personal energy and a false facade takes a lot of personal energy to keep up so as I said, within a few dates or if not seeing a person often enough, it can take a month or so before you see the other behavior if they are hiding something. The husband I have now I met on line. He is a gentleman and holds females in high esteem, doesnt treat just me really well, but any female who crosses his path, and I got to see him with his ex when she visited once. He spoke of what he is like as a person and I watched closely and past the time when most revert back to their bad habits and way of thinking He was still consistently who he claimed to be and what I wanted in a guy. The last husband would tear me down and belittle me, my current husband only is supportive and always paying me compliments and recognizing my strengths. The last one yelled at me. In over 11 years, he has never once raised his voice at me. We are both losing some hearing so at times he might have to loudly shout my name to get my attention and once he has it, he is gentle in his speech towards me. When looking for the man you want to spend the rest of your life with, most women are looking for this. But you can't be desperate, which is settling for less when the first guy who pays you attention comes along. Women fall in love too easy to. They fall in love with what they think the guy is, the image of a person they have in their mind but more often than not, the guy can't meet their expectations nor the woman, his. Theres a problem is he doesn't have an idea of what he is looking for, doesn't know or understand his own needs and isn't able to explain them either. My husband had two, that I be a spiritual person like him and that I be his sexual equal. He knows about chemistry as well as I do. And he would not initiate any kiss or more, waiting to see If I was drawn to him that way. So when he wouldn't kiss me first, at end of first date, I kissed him and shortly after I took the chance to approach him for more. We like the same things in bed and its way better than my ex and any guys I used to date. If you truly want this, then you might want to do the same thing I did, make up a list of my needs and my wants. A need can't be compromised, he has that quality or you don't date him. A want is like the icing on a cake, very nice but not needed so you can live without it. You present yourself as if applying for a job but are even tougher when you are meeting guys who are applying for the position of boyfriend and future husband. I have all this in a document I've labeled, How to Meet Mr. Right. You can apply everything in it to those you meet in person somewhere or whom you meet first on the internet. I will say that the free sites are full of non serious guys. So if you choose this route, I would suggest one of the dating sites you pay to put a profile on. E harmony is one and I think there is one more. The guys who go on here are not scared of marrying and want to find their quality lady. But there is a battery of questions you have to answer and if he or you are not truthful because you want to answer what you think others may prefer, then you will not find anyone that way. If you want me to send you the document how to do this all, I can do that. But the only way I can answer a request or answer anything a second time is if you go to the search at the left for advice columnists, find my name Dragonflymagic and click on and then once on my site is the button to start writing to me. I hope this all gives you some hope. Lastly, what others want to see in you, something that draws men like moths to a flame is seeing self confidence in a woman. Being picky and knowing what you want and not being afraid to ask for it, is very appealing to men. If you need help in that area, I have something there too, I can share. Let me know.

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