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humorist-workshop
Thank you
Thank you for answering my question.
I was wondering what document you were talking about and one of my problems is I know what I want however over the years I have stopped being so ambitious with going after guys. I have been rejected so much in my life, I get a lot of guys who I'm not very interested in. I'm pretty stuck. I'm trying to go out more and have stopped dating sites- at least the free sites where women are considered options or don't value themselves. It's rough out there.
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Want to answer more questions in the Relationships category?
Maybe give some free advice about: Love Life?
I used internet dating to find out the existence of my now 2nd husband. The first was verbally abusive and I stayed until my kids were adults. You mentioned that guys who were interested in you but you are not interested in them. I even posted nice pics, nothing sexy, think more business like in taste and guys being visual still reacted to my pics with everything from "Did you know you are Hot" to "I bet you are a tiger in bed" and those were opening statements and then very little on themselves in their letter or their profile. If you are a material girl, you won't mind guys who list what they own, like I went to such and such University and have the following degrees, to 'I own a house, two cars, and have a dog'. That tells me nothing about their character. I was looking for a combo of best friend and lover. If I wanted only what they listed as a qualifier to be just a friend, then I would be friends with a third of the men on the planet. These are not the ones you want to "hire' for the position of boyfriend and possible future husband. If you want a better quality of men use a pay site, like Match.com and see how that helps. Guys who are lonely, divorced multiple times, want sex without commitment, or have some major personality quirks that kill relationships are half of what you find on free sites because they do not truly value females and do not want a long term partner or marriage partner. If a man pays, he is serious about finding someone. So perhaps you'd like to meet someone through singles clubs and get togethers and if that doesn't work, your last choice could be something like Match.com
Although I can share my one experience going to a singles gathering at a casual restaurant we booked for the evening. So I was standing around, recognizing faces I'd seen on line but knew nothing about the guys. I could share about myself but I had a long list of qualities I was looking for in a guy and seeing them at that place was not going to tell me what I needed to know. So one guy walks up to me. I guess he was religious cus he asked me my beliefs spiritually and I answered him. Apparently I didnt match his ideas of Christianity and on my third answer he looked appakked, eyes bugged out and snapped at me, "Get away from me you Heathen!" The funny thing is he approached me, not me him. So I did not move. He only took a couple seconds to finally turn around and leave. The other guys just stared but wouldnt approach or start a convo.
So instead of waiting around for a man who is interested in approaching you and meeting you, you will have better success if you do the choosing and instigate first contact. You also have to not be desperate in how you think. I had been married to an abusive man but had no fears of getting caught up with another like that because I had learned what warning signs to look for in the guys behavior. So while it might sound like I was too picky, I was actually proactive, and clear on what I wanted, any who couldnt meet my criteria, need not write me. So now I will share that document:
How to find Mr. Right
I went through this search in my late forties after an almost 30 yr marriage to a man who was never in love with me, verbally abusive and not my sexual match. I was ready to finally find Mr Right and what I believe I heard while praying, is that I had to make several lists and refine them as I went along.
First, how well do you know yourself? I used a dating site 2nd time around. It worked for me to find my true love. However, to fill out a profile for yourself, or to really describe yourself in a convo in person, your personality and who you are at core, is hard to do, like writing about your work strengths in a resume. So this is just as important as a resume only more so. You can easily leave a job that doesn't work out. Its much harder with a boyfriend or husband. So its best to be able to describe yourself well for those few you meet who may be promising. This is not just those met online but any you meet in person as you're out and about. They will have something specific they are looking for as well and need to be able to recognize the possibility that you may be the one for them. At least, hopefully they will, if not, they may not recognize that you are the one for him and that is too bad for him. You want a guy who sees the real you inside too and will know he wants you, the whole package. You'll need this list or bio on yourself before you can form the list of what you are looking for in a guy.
So, ask yourself what it is in life that lights you up, makes you not just happy but content and feeling fulfilled. Ask yourself what is or are the passions deep inside that push you to seek out certain hobbies, pastimes, certain people with the same?
I'll give you an example. One of the things that make me passionate about certain things in life is that I am a nurturing person deep at core. This nurturing desire needs to be expressed and has been through several different avenues. For one, being a mother and raising my kids, now grand-kids, loving planting and tending a garden, and yes, giving advice in an advice column. All of these things require a person driven by nurture, such as my wanting to be of help to you, to see you break free of whatever is holding you back in life or keeping you unhappy.
Once you have defined yourself with some really good descriptive words or scenarios, you will be drawing on this list to make a specific list of criteria of what is most important in a guy.
If you need help with the list of yourself, please just ask me and I will help.
Now, for the list of what you feel is Mr. Right for you.
Actually, there will be two lists. A list of Must Haves, things which if missing are a deal breaker because they are that important to you. Do not let any guy tell you that your criteria is extremely unreasonable. I got that often. It means the guy can't meet your criteria, can't meet your Must Haves and wants you to lower your standard for them and they don't give a crap about who you are and why these are your criteria. A deal breaker would be "I want a guy who wants to have kids", "I want a guy who isn't afraid to commit, settle down and marry," I want a guy who is open minded spiritually and will allow me to believe whatever I do without trying to convert me to his beliefs,' I want a guy who never raises his voice to me and is able to calmly talk things out. I want a guy who isn't a smoker or recreational drug user.
I for example am very allergic to cigarette smoke or the lingering odor of it. Guys who smoked met with me pretending at first that they didn't. Sitting across a table at a restaurant first time, I couldn't pick it up but when riding in their car on a later date it was heavy cigarette odor in there. He claimed he didn't smoke, it was from his son who uses the car but later by habit pulled out a cigarette right in front of me. He felt as many guys do, that it was okay to lie to me cus I might fall in love once I got to know him and the cigarette smoke wouldn't matter to me then. It mattered that strongly to me and pissed off a couple guys real badly but you have to stick with what you want. Sticking with your needs, not lowering standards, helps to eliminate guys with major character faults, such as being inconsistent, liars, cheaters, etc....
Do not worry that this is extreme. In fact it has been found in tests done that men (the good ones worth having) are attracted to a woman who knows what she wants, a woman who will stick by it without making excuses or apologizing for it, not afraid to ask for or state what she wants. This attitude is basically having a strong self confidence and self confidence in a woman is what made these good men choose the confident woman over the model types in looks in a test case study.
The other list is the what you want, like the icing on the cake. It is not a need or requirement but would be nice. This list you don't share with the guy. Its for yourself in case you find several guys who meet all the critieria of your other list, to help you choose from among them.
So here is where you find things like, he likes to go dancing, he is a musician or sings well, he likes gardening, has interest in meditation, has long hair, has a 6 pack. I listed that I wanted a man who was height and weight proportionate. This means maybe there might be some chub but basically they will look reasonably okay without looking like a body builder. These things are not deal breakers to me, but if they are to you, then they're in the wrong list. This list is things you would like to see but if you don't get them, you can live without it, for the rest of your life.
I promise, these lists will help. You'll also refine it or think of things to add as you run across guys or problems that you didn't think needed to be in a list. Then if not using a dating site and posting these out there right in the beginning, at least on a 2nd date if a guy asks you out twice, (means he is reasonably interested in you) tell him you have something important you need to share with him. It's important to you. Then recite your list to him. If afraid you may leave something important off, have copies of your list in your purse to hand out to a guy. If he looks at you like this must be a joke or asks such, keep calm and smile nicely and let him know that you are very serious and have resorted to this measure because simply going out with just random guys in the past and into a relationship resulted in the wrong guy each time. It is okay to give examples if he asks. Make no excuses. If he gets upset or has a problem with any of your criteria, you could ask him why, but you can't rely at this early stage whether he may be telling the truth or not to get you to trust him and lower your standards. It is best to tell him you've decided to not consider him, as if he was an applicant for a job and his resume just isn't enough to get the position of 'boyfriend'. Think of yourself as your own human resources manager, looking for the perfect applicant for the available position of 'boyfriend.' Obviously, you will have to turn away many hopefuls. I even had some guys beg me to choose them by the end of a first time meet up. That killed it. Spoke volumes of them feeling insecure, wimpy as males, and having low self esteem, all of which I wished to avoid.
Back from the document, if you have any questions about anything I wrote or want more details on anything I mentioned, let me know. This is what I used to find my second husband. I had set my profie to show only guys up to 25 miles away and when I changed it to one hours drive away, the man I married was finally able to see me as he was about 45 min away. I was not going to wait for a guy to write me although many did. I began searching, finding guys who sounded somewhat promising but I still needed to know if they fit my criteria, so I wrote them first. Don't wait around hon, thats only going to bring you the undesirables. You pick the guys and once you meet them in person, share your criteria. As I said, the guys not worth having were the only ones who got upset. The good guys understand and will understand if you want to meet in a public place and drive yourself to that meet up, never get in a guys car to get to a date or get home after. Staying safe is possible if you do the right things.
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