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Continuation
I have decided to add you on here lol.
That's a great idea to make a list of qualities in a man- to broaden my horizon I googled lists to see what other ladies have written. Mainly because I crave a healthy stable guy.
It's like you said not to overthink it but that is quite difficult. Unfortunately I do not have much dating experience but having an idea with what I want on that list is a start like- having a great personality, chivalrous in the terms of being respectful towards a lady- not verbally/physically abusive, or ambitious, is a few qualities I can think of on top of my head. I think a lot of guys nowadays are quite looney- it's quite sad actually and they don't care how they treat women.
The thing is I've always had an idea but have a written idea is better.
How would you write a bio about yourself? What questions should I be asking myself? It is very hard for me to not overthink this when it should be fun to see what he brings to the table. I just know that I do not want to be in my mom's situation where she had an abusive husband- so when I read about the things you mentioned with the ex I immediately knew what you meant. I grew up in that toxic environment so it makes me fear for my future with any guy- hence maybe I should get help with that lol. I have seen past girlfriends have the worst boyfriends and it was all about those guys and it made me quite frustrated. All I know is I want a respectable guy- not someone I worship or feel like I'm walking on egg shells.
I'm talking to a guy right now- we're just starting out as friends and I'm happy to say that's where I want things to be at- at the moment. So, any advice for list making?
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Maybe give some free advice about: Love Life?
Wow, thanks for asking. This is gonna be long. I like what you said about guys being looney. Yeah, it sure seems that way. They want the benefits of a couple relationship while continuing to act single, where its all about them. Males aren't born that way any more than babies are born racists. All children learn from watching grownups. So that means that most of the fathers today are very bad examples. No training from Dad in what he says and also his actions when it comes to females, not just wife but all females. This means the training now falls solely on the shoulders of women. Young women have no experience and want a guy so badly that they inadvertently are training young men that it is okay to treat them badly because she'll still stick with him and he can still get free sex, get his jollies but never do anything for her sexually. These kinds of men are plenty. If one female stands up to him, that's not enough, it takes him getting turned down by all women who experience some bad behavior from him before he's going to see that he needs to change. And that is the explanation of why guys are as they are today. Basically because the majority of males out there they can observe, have no clue either.
I did say talking about yourself and your qualities is important, like going for a job interview although what you say about yourself is going to be a bit different. I partly memorized my review with my last boss in a long term job. He was a friendly caring Christian guy. So I remember the list has a lot of things he could check off that I had and a good majority was not skills in filing, taking phone calls, and use of any equipment. It was more 'relates well with people' ;good at details, helpful in teaching others how to use things, do things. A different way of looking at who you are. Doing a resume was hard for me, is usually hard for almost everyone. But I have an example using myself. I thought back to what things or situations were something I didn't realize I enjoyed so much until I realized how quikly time flew when involved in those things or how often I was found doing those things. Then you refine those things all down to a few qualities that explain who you are. Mine were gardening, doing crafts and being creative with my children, the ultimate mommy as they have told me since growing into adults. These have something in common. What kind of person does it take to do either of these things? It took me a bit to see it but plants and seedlings need nurturing to grow well, no competition from weeds, good soil, water, checking for insect infestation...looking after the wellfare of these living things, is basically 'nurturing' in a word. The same with children, you keep the bad things in the world from hurting them, teach them how to be a contributing member to home and society, show them by example, etc...k and one word to describe it is nurturing again but I also realized I don't mind teaching from experience either as I got older. I did it for kids, friends, and so I do the same here now on Advicenators. Other than that, I could say there were ways of living I would not want to change for anyone which meant my beliefs which had gone from radical religious stuff to a more spiritual and accepting, encouraging style, where I allow others to believe what they believe or support them at the level they are at, which may be where I was 30 years ago. So my spirituality was a part of who I was and why I operated as I did in life and society, that it went on the list. I am not an empath but I really believe in empathy, because it governs how I will act more than having just sympathy for a person. With empathy, I put myself in another persons shoes, not to learn how to become like them if they do something bad, but to understand what might have happened to bring them to that place because if circumstances were different, and I had experienced the past they had, I might have been acting and doing the same as them. That is why I can understand why a guy might be doing something bad. But I can't force a person to change. That is number one thing to remember. Change must come from within. No adult likes to be told they are wrong or need improvement. Think of a job review or other situation, those things just make you feel so small and alone as if you are the only person doing wrong. So I tend to find a way to share first how I may have struggled with the same in the past, or if I haven't, a nameless friend, and how they got over it, improved, changed the outlook and how we thought of something. People are more open to that. Where I am going with this is if you have a guy who does something you dont like. you will know better how to share that with him without condemning him. Imagine if every grade school teacher had condemned you for every bad grade, you would have given up or skipped school lots or dropped out when older. When a person is told what you don't like, it can't be with anger, yelling, condemning and such. However since this works to disarm people, its a good way now to find out if this is a person open to changing for the better, or stubborn, wants to stay the same and doesnt care how it effects you let alone not caring about your feelings in any way. You need to know this is what you want and be able to describe it to a man. Every human wants this but most humans don't know how to BE this way, or do not want to be this way. IN that case, its a one way deal for them, I want to be treated good regardless if I treat you like crap. Understanding this will help you also when you share your list of criteria with a guy because since most are crazy, they will react with anger and call you too picky. Well, it is odd and something new for them to come across and since the majority of females are not doing this, it isn't taught as a way to be socially, they just assume you have issues, when this should become a standard way of people trying to find a mate. There just are no classes and pitiful few articles on this in magazines or on the net or knowing how to find them. Plus lots of advice you are given is just crap. So try it my way and see if I am just talking off the top of my head or I actually am on to something here. I neve read anything of this anywhere. I mostly got this idea from God during time in prayer. Once I got started, as I came across guys with questions I had never covered not thinking them important enough, I added to my lists. Chivalrous is a word even females have mostly forgotton. I am glad you understand this is what you want. So did I. I didn't write I wanted a man who was chivalrous, but used my brain to think of what qualities do I think a chivalrous man has. The man I met online who became my second husband has them. It was apparent in what he wrote. He didn't give a list about himself except for how he knows a man should treat a woman, and how it was described was so precise, correct, with no room for mistake, and not like anything I'd ever heard in my life sadly. Then to top it off, he addressed me with respect calling me "My Lady" throughout his letter. Sure a guy can put on an act and pretend to be what I want but an act can't be kept in place too long It takes too much personal energy to keep a lie going and eventually a guy will slip up or relax and feel its ok to revert to his real self because he's got you hooked. Fortunately for me, simply going on a handful of dates meant I must have developed feelings for him which most men believed and thats when they let their false personality drop away. That is why a guy starts out nice and a gal later wonders what went wrong with him. He was never a nice guy to start with, just a good pretender.
Now how to write what you want. Make sure it is stated in a positive way. I saw someone else use the following and thats what I used. I didn't need a guy with a six pack but even with any extra weight, he still had to be able to keep up with me, not be a couch potato. So I wrote, He must be height and weight proportionate. That is a positive way to state what I want instead of writing, don't want Fat or Obese men. If all the qualities a man was looking for were written in a negative, there is usually something wrong with him. I tested my theory by actually going to the next stage of talking on the phone to a couple. They wanted to talk at me, not ask me things to talk about and most all of it was complaints of what they didn't like in the world. Whether they have a truth in what they don't like, telling someone who just met about your whole laundry list of things that make you angry, your pet peeves, is not the way to find out if you are compatible. Its not a good way to get to know if this person sounds promising enough to date a bit longer to discover more. If what I discover the first time talking or meeting is a turn off, I never go further. If I dont catch anything overtly bad the first coup[le times, I will go out more. What I was looking for was a man who would be consistant in who he was. Thats how you find the ones faking it. My ex faked it way longer than most So I didn't experience his bad behavior until after a month of marriage and my folks were fooled too and though he was great. So don't jump into saying youll be his exclusive girlfriend, or jump into any sort of commitment with him. He can say all he wants about how you are his girlfriend but you are there only to find out if he is consistent. Those who are consistently bad, some hide for a while, others dont and its there from the start and they are easy to avoid. But I hadn't thought to look for someone consistent before. But I couldn't tip my hand and write "a man who is consistently good' because you don't want to tip off a guy how he should pretend to act.
So you put down the first level of screening on screening on the list and if they pass you continue screening them by meeting them and going on dates or rather hanging out together. Lets say you meet a really nice guy but he's got phobias he's never gotton over, a parents bad marriage and many siblings that were also ignored. He may be a very nice person having decided to act nothing like his parents but takes it further in avoiding marriage, never will because he believeds that will ruin a good thing and he also doesnt want kids ever, after feeling he had to compete for attention with them all when it was actually not the amount of kids but issues in parents lives.
You can' ever change his mind and he's not going to therapy for it. So to invest a couple years dating to find he will never ask you to marry, or his outrage to hear you got pregnant and wants you to abort cus he doesnt want kids and doesnt want to be a father, is not a good thing to learn that late. A guy can say he likes kids but not mean it, just to catch you. Let it all be a time you take in what he says about himself and watch to see how he acts around others kids, niece and nephews, or for that matter, how he treats other living things. Does he have a dog and is the dog well trained and loved or does he have outrage at how people dump their unwanted dog on a lonely street. These are things you discover as you date but it helps to state. "Wants children of his own" and "wants to find and marry the women he'll be with til his last days" I am astounded how many women dont ask this. I didn't either and had to wait 7 years until my ex was ready and changed his mind. I lucked out but many divorce over this, then looking for a mate who wants to marry and have a kid asap. If you want a patient man, don't write, 'dont get impatient or yell" thats highlighted in a negative way. I didn't want a man who raised his voice to me after my past. But I simply wrote a man who is not only patient with me but everyone.
Something you want so much you are not willing to give up to get the man, these are called a MUST HAVE. Because if he doesn't have them, thats a deal breaker. So if you want children and ultimate goal of marriage or life long without marriage, then your list could start like this:
A man who:
Wants life long commitment with or without marriage license
Wants children
Treats all women including me with respect
A non smoker
Is snipped or willing to be
And you add things to it as you think of them. My list was updated constantly. I did look for it but in transfers of data to new computers, some data is lost each time and I no longer have that list though I had saved it once. Ill another relating writing I still have later on.
At the time, I was closer to menopause than most women might be who are wanting to meet someone. I couldn't afford the operation to become sterile and talked to my gynecologist about getting on the pill until I got to menopause. He said that even the pills werent good for me due to fact I had fibroids and taking the pill made those grow and they gave painful cramps and I was too old to get the operation. So my list also had a must have of 'You are snipped, had a vasectomy'
I also have a sister who smokes and to this day, I still can't be around cigarette smoke without it irritating my lungs and chest. If I inhale any, my bronchial tubes temporarily close until I can get fresh air. I didn't want to make a guy who smoked go through the hard to quit stuff, even some people I know could quit with the patches or any other method. I can't stand the smell of stale cigarette smoke either. So on my list as other must have was, Does not smoke
These are very specific things hon and it angered many guys, like those who were not snipped and wouldn't do it but wanted to know why. First off, I don't need to explain it to anyone unless I want to. So if that was their first message to me after
reading my profile, I erased and blocked them, didn't want to deal with them again. If they had chatted back and forth a couple times before revealing they were not snipped and wanted to know why before they decided whether to get it done, I would explain in detail my position and the good guys understood. Unfortunately I met a couple great guys like this but already in our coffee shop meet up, we could tell we did not have any chemistry. For younger folk without as much life experience yet, a good way to tell as I also did this, is give each guy I met, a kiss goodnight before parting, or let them give me a kiss. If you melt into that kiss and you want more, theres chemistry. If it feels llke a male relative, dad,brother, uncle just gave you a romantic kiss, that yucky eewwww feeling, there is no chemistry. If its feels really nice but doesn't make you want more or feel your heart go giddy or pulse pick up, it might be enough to get by a couple times but theres not enough chemistry to make it last a lifetime. So in my writing went something about romance and alluding to sex. I lost most everything but other than the list of my must haves, here is what I have which you may want to use, whether on line or in person if you memorize most of it.I will put my current day reasoning in parentheses for each statement.
I'm looking for a man who is secure in his masculinity,(he knows how to be a male, doesnt apologize all the time,isnt afraid to be a male and doesnt feel threeatened by other males) has a good self image,(men can suffer this same as women and if they constantly seeking your praise, there might be something wrong)you're patient, (impatience is obvious to most in a tone of voice along with body language but impatience in my experience led to verbally abusing me a lot) very sharing and giving type, (giving doesnt mean recieving gifts, but their undivided attention or acts of service, loving touches through out day) very honest and open in communication. (I especially need the open and honest part because most of us are not mind readers. Also if I felt anything at any particular moment, no matter how silly it felt, I made myself vulnerable and shared what I was feeling. He responded in kind, sharing the thoughts in his head before I had to ask. It was very special that he and I were able to share a special energy that almost felt tangible, when ever we were close, like hugging and snuggling.) Also would like men who are laidback, easygoing,(I also wanted someone I could be comfortable with and him with me so if an occasional loud burp or I accidentally farted, I dont want to live rest of my life worried I might offend him when he acts offended and is asking me not to do something that is a basic human body action) youre into natural health and healing, ( I didn't require a person be extremely religious about this, just reasonable like eating more home cooked meals than eating out, willing to use some natural ingrediants for supplements to stay healthy or treat basic colds and flu) you are very logical in thinking like myself, (I had to love how the guys mind worked, how he came to conclusions, his basic outlook on life, this could say positive instead of logical but men relate more to the word logic) you can be gentle and romantic but also a bit on the wild side, ( I am letting the guy know here I dont want someone always frantically desperate for sex in how he acts and grabbing me roughly at other days of day, I want someone who sees the value in cultivating the right mood and doesnt see it as a waste of time, and also letting him know that I like variety, a man who can be slow and gentlebut at times wild and satisfying in bed) comfortable in anything from suit to jeans and tee, or fine dining to impromptu romantic picnic, ( the more rigid he is in what he will wear, could mean he would rather stay in a rut than try something new or be spontaneous which kills the joy in the relationship) enjoy music, if you like to dance and or sing, thats a plus. But above all, you are a gentleman and know how to treat a lady. (this means he has manners, puts you and your needs first before his, and will build you up with words,and support whatever it is you like to do, supporting your talents.)
I have been kinda all over the place, found it hard to concentrate today. So if you need anything more explained, let me know.
Lastly a few words as to what the good guys want. A female who is respectful enough to bring home to meet the parents, but can be a wild cat with him behind closed doors, he wants a help mate, an equal, and she is not demanding, a shop a holic, but fair, understanding, able to see that there is the little boy deep inside each man who needs nurturing and kindness, even though on the outside they act as a rough and tough male. These are a list of what I have found over time, in my life and that of others I know well, this seems to be what guys want but don't go looking for or asking for, weird huh?
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