sbloemeke's advice column

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Q: im so glad i found a guy on this site. What are guys usually into? Im the sporty type, always wear my hair up cuz i have thick hair (which sucks by the way) i never wear makeup, sometimes lipstick, but like a clear non noticable color, not red or anything, so yeah. i've had a ton of guys who liked me in the past, but none of them are my type. but ive come to realise the guys my type dont even like me! how can i change (not personality, just looks) so a guy likes me thats my type, sporty. a couple questions. 1. how come girls always like people that arent interested in them. 2. how can i change without changing completely?

~girl who needs guy help

Well, When I picture a girl that looks sporty, I really think of pulled back hair, a headband to keep it from getting in the face, a non-spaghetti strap tank top, shorts that have some length to them, sneakers, and high socks. No makeup, messy hair, and usually a bit of a smell of sweat. That's what I'd imagine a sporty girl to look like. Usually, that does get a sporty guy to notice you.
Girls like guys that are not interested in them because they like trying something difficult. If you could get a guy to go from not wanting you to wanting you, the relationship lasts longer, as it is built on the much stronger roots of change.

I hope I did help. Though I spoke mainly from my mind, it may not be general for all males.
-Steven

Q: The Terms of Service state:

"Users may not post any material which is knowingly false and or defamatory, inaccurate, abusive, vulgar, hateful, harassing, obscene, profane, threatening, invasive of a person's privacy, or otherwise violative of any law."

Now, how are we to determine, for instance whether a certain response is "profane"? And what constitutes a "vulgar" response? Where is the line drawn? It seems quite lame to say that the the maintainers of the web site can remove user accounts for these violations without even giving an example of what would constitute vulgarity or obscenity. Some people, for instance, consider the mention of private parts very, very profane, in which case EVERY question and answer in the "Sex Advice" section would have to be banned. Obviously that's not profane, so I have assumed I can mention things like my penis, which I will now do: Penis. But can I mention my penis in cruder terms? This may be seen as "vulgar", but who knows what people consider vulgar? In the 1920's, the word "liar" was considered vulgar! And, what with curse words like "asshole" being allowed on Prime Time television, I don't see any adequate reason to determine vulgarity! If we can be removed from the site based on these "rules", they should at least be specific enough to let us know what would constitute a violation. They are too vague to be taken seriously!

Not only that, but why are inaccurate responses reason for banning? What if I don't know if the response was accurate or not? In the case of "spiritual advice", you will occassionally get an atheist saying "God doesn't exist" and a theist saying "God exists". Obviously, ONE of these statements is inaccurate. So which one should be banned? Or is the adjective "knowingly" supposed to carry on to all the items listed? So something has to be knowingly false, knowingly vulgar, or knowingly inaccurate? In that case, then you can't really ban people for obscenity or vulgarity, because that's entirely relative, and obviously no one will "know" they are vulgar under YOUR standards, because under their own standards their prose may be perfectly prim and proper!

And what is this web site's view on humor? Humor is often vulgar, and sarcasm is often inaccurate...that's the nature of sarcastic responses! One of the most famed sex columnists, Dan Savage, (He writes the column Savage Love) is routinely sarcastic and humorous in his responses, and he's a paid professional! If we aren't allowed to do what the professionals do, I hardly see how this can bee seen as a good "advice" community! Who says advice has to be all pomp and seriousness? Why can we not have some joyfulness?

In short, it would be nice to have these issues cleared up. I am a very blunt, sarcastic, and vulgar person at times. I am worried that someone may whimsically decide to delete my account after I have put forth a lot of effort to answer many questions. So I'd like to protect myself and know exactly what all this entails!

Thank you.

You know, at the start, I really did not agree with you, but I can see where you are coming from. I suppose they don't want you to just use 10,000 swears in a sentance, or tell a person who says "The sky is blue" that the sky is purple. If it is an opinion-like based question such as "Is there a God?", it would probably not matter, as it is individual opinions, not wrong facts.
With the vulgarity, I am assuming they only mean big swear words that everyone considers to be swears. Like, personally, I do not consider "Hell" to be a swear, yet I consider "Damn" to be one. Really, I think they are only refferring to S, S, F, A, B, B, N, C, and maybe D/H. Sorry, but I can't swear. Guess what each means, it's the best I can do. :)
Though I must tell you, this site is a lot more relaxed than the last one I went onto (www.teenhelp.org). "You may be banned for any reason as deemed by the admins". And they banned people for critisising another person's works, making a website that is supposed to help people, or a person who called another town's police because the person they were working with was beyond hope with suicide. Heck, I was on staff and they removed me for "Providing advice that is out of the ordinary." AKA, I tried to actually help the person instead of saying "You can stop cutting! I believe in you!"
Ug. You tell me.
Anyways, I do see what you are saying. I think this site appreciates humor and sarcasm in the lighter issues if it is easily detectable. Such as saying "And that is why cutting is good for you" would probably not go through too well, but "And make sure you put the egg shells in" would be considered acceptable.
Well, these are my views. Disagree if you feel, but I think this is a bit better.
-Steven

Q: okay so i like this guy, SORT OF. hes in love with me! i just like him as a friend, but he like wants to go out with me!he keeps asking me questions like IF we go out, and IF i break up with my girlfriend, etc. and my friend HATES him, their like enemies. she's my best friend too! how do i deal with both of these problems! like what if we went out she'd be like EW WHY R U GOIN OUT WITH HIM. how do i tell him i just like him without hurting his feelings?

Well, start off by just waiting for the moment to come. He hasn't asked you out yet. That gives you time to plan.
Then, when he does, just say "I'm sorry, but I don't think I want to get into that deep of a relationship just yet." I don't think it can be done without making him feel a tiny bit hurt, but in that manner, it gives him a false feeling of hope. And hope will keep him happy. Just keep on saying "Wait a bit, we're not ready", and it will keep him happy, and your friend.
I hope I helped.
-Steven

Q: girls can answer too but mainly guys... I've got 2 questions. ok neways. so i'm in 10th grade and i'm 15years old and i still havn't had a boyfriend yet. And its not because i'm not pretty, b/c i'm alright looking, and its not my personality b/c i've got a great one, atleast i think so. What do guys look for in a girl, and how do boys like girls to flirt??
I'll give 5 points to neone who gives me atleast 2 answers!!

I look for the girl's ability to laugh at the slightest thing (AKA, being very cheerful), and I also tend to like girls who have a slight interest in baseball. But, that is just me. I also look for girls who aren't afraid to be casual. I hate girls that tend to always dress in the most expensive clothing, and follow the present "fashion trend". Individualists, that's what I was looking for...
Lastly, I tend to look for girls who do not tend to date a lot, ones who'd appreciate me for who I am just as I'd appreciate them. :)
Hope I helped!
-Steven

(FYI, I'm 16, and never had a girlfriend, so you're still in good company.)

Q: At what ages to guys and girls stop growing. I knew..then I forgot haha. Thanx

Girls stop 2 years after they start menstruating, and guys are usually around 18. :)

Q: How Are You Sure A Guy Likes You?

i rate high!

The only true way is if he asks you out, but there are different ways it can be told. Being a guy myself, I find that girls seem to think it when they catch you looking at them, or if they meet you face the face and you look up and down (Head to toe...) 3 times. Or if you catch them looking down (No! I have not done that! :) ).
Anyways, that's what I've heard.
-Steven

Q: is there anywhere where i can get cool stuff in my aim profile??

www.iconator.com. It's good for away messages, icons, and I think it has profile stuff, though I'm not sure (Haven't been there in a long time...)

Q:

okay well whoever tells me an advice to this, thank you very much!!!!!

If you do not want to go out with him, don't. It'd only upset you.
What I'd suggest is to develop a bit of a stronger friendship with him. I mean, it sounds like it is at the point where you are best friends, but you may want to start doing even more for each other.
This question made me feel sort of awkward...
-Steven

Q: what do guys find irressistable in girls? how do you like us to act, dress, or wear our hair?

Personally, I like it when the girls wear their hair down, and I prefer it to be at least more than sholder length. I prefer them to act nice, yet not stupid. Not really too flirtishish. And dress, I really like light happy colors and I kind of like skirts and cupsleeved shirts... :)
That was awkward to answer. for anything else, just give me your AIM, and I'll gladly talk to you.
-Steven

Q: ok this is for guys mainly, unless girls have any idea

what would you want as an anniversary present?i have no clue what to get my b/f. any opinions?

Just get him a CD from a band that he likes. Or a fantasy book. Dragons was the only thing that made me say that. Has he read the Hobbit yet? That has a dragon.
Just some suggestions.

Q: Im 13 and im going into the 8th grade..and saddly ive never had a boyfriend. To me i think im farely attractive and im a nice person. I have gotten a few offers but there just not the right guys. What could i do to get a boyfriend i really like?
Signed: Single and NOT loving it.

Well, for one thing, you are still VERY young. I am 16 and have NEVER had a real girlfriend.
But, if you want to get a boyfriend you really like, you make the first move. don't wait for them to ask you, it does not always have to be that way. You can ask them.
-Steven

Q: ok well me and my girlfriend have been going out for like 8 months and we have kissed but we talked bout it we want to makeout but i was wondering making out is just kiss a lot at ounce isnt it?
and if its not then please help me cause she really want to and i want her to like me doing not be like ok no more kissing go awayi want her 2 want more so please help =)....she doesnt want to french....just so you know...lol....ok thanks....ummm sry if i didnt make a lot of since or sounded wierd im knew with this advice thing

Making out is frenching... I'm sorry to tell you this. If you want to make out, then you have to french.
-Steven

Q: hi my name is justin and im 16. i live in the bronx, ny. and im into the oreintal stuff, so recently i bought a katana. (its a sword) its not sharp or anything, but my father hetes it. he said he thinks one day i might get angry at him and chop him to piecies. which makes sense, but my father owns a desert eagle( a gun) thet he brought back from the war( its either the vietnam of persien, im not sure..) so should he complain even though he owns a gun?

signed..
Konfused

I think that he does have a bit of a right because you know for a fact that he is not going to shoot you if you do something wrong. Which at least is a good sign showing that he still does love you. Yet, he is insecure that you may not love him, and that you may actually attack him. It's the only reason he is complaining.
Is it hypocritical to complain about the weapon? Yes. But I do think it is justified. Parents can never be sure...
-Steven

Q: I just started a brand new school, and met this girl & she asked me to sit with her so I did, she said "Bring 5 dollars or so tomorrow & we can get a Subway." Um, basically my question is, she is asking me to sit with her again right? lol Thanks!

Of course. She is saying that she likes you, and is glad you sat next to her, an she's saying that she wants to do some things with you. Like such. So, you are invited to sit next to her by what she said. It is a good thing.
-Steven

Q: wut is the order of puberty?
btw im a guy so wut is the order and how long does it take 2 go throw it?
i know im going throw it and i want 2 know wut comes first and last and how long it takes.....?

Well when I went through it, it sort of came on without me noticing... First for me was hair in certain... "areas". The the humongous growth spurt (10" in one year), and that was accomponied by my voice getting a lot deeper. And then immediately after, I grew facial hair.
I was a quick developer, as that went from 5th grade until the end of 7th, but you may be different. Every man is.
-Steven

Q: i have been cutting myself for about 4 months now, i dont know how to stop, but i dont want to do it anymore. how do i stop and deal with my emotions in other ways?

The 4 step method usually works. It has works for 4/5 people who ask me for help, so I'll explain it.
1. Admit that you are addicted to cutting. Yes, it sounds corny, as how can anyone be addicted to something that is internal? It's simply that your brain makes morphine to ease pain, and in high doses like with cutting, you get addicted. If you admit it, then you're a quater of a way done.
2. Tell somebody. You need a personal mentor to get through with this. Tell an adult, a teacher, a friend, or even someone else about your problem. If you want me, I'll be fine with this. sbloemeke2@yahoo.com
3. Support group. Find a group who will get you through it, and relate with their own experiance. They have one at www.teenhelp.org if you wish. Online support groups usually work better.
4. Stop and reward. This is always the hardest step (Surprising? No.) You use a method of rewards for stopping, as you have motivation. You make up the reward for it, like getting to go on a shopping spree or going to the movies, but it should not involve cutting. You go cold turkey. This means you stop cutting, starting at one day. During the one day, you use alternatives. I suggest beating a pillow if you feel angry, taking a bath for depression, or drawing with red pen if you want to see blood. After one full day, it's reward time. You'll be able to see it as easy, and do another day. Another reward. This goes until day 5. Then your reward days should be 7, 9, 11, 13, 15, 18, 21, 25, 30, 40, 50, 70, 90. Day 90, you're cured.
Never give up. If you feel like you cannot stop, go either to that person that you chose or to the support groups, they'll help you through it.
And you can never cut again, as you'll go right back into it.
Hope I helped!
-Steven

Q: Okay, I'm getting braces in a couple of months, and I was wondering how they would feel. Can anyone tell me what they're like, and what to expect?

I got them off 2 years ago for the secong time, and pretty much, I did not notice any difference other than the fact that they did not bite into my front lip anymore.
It's a fairly annoying process to take them off... I hated it when they did me. Expect to have your mouth open for a long time, and being very frustrated.
-Steven

EDIT: OH... You're getting them ON not Off. My bad.
Pretty much, the process is simple. They just put this cotton ball in your mouth and you just sit there for a while. They'll just be there when you are done.
But they hurt afterwards. They pull, and you can feel it. And bite into your lip.

Q: Whenever I eat a large amount of dairy products of any kind, particularly milk, I get this awful painful feeling internally right below my back...and then I get diarrhea. Could I be lactose intolerant?

Most likely yes. I'd go to an allegist if I were you, they would be able to give your a test to see if you were. But, it sound very much like it. The painful feeling is probably your body beggining to fight it off and reject it, and seeing it as a virus, caused the diarrhea to try and get it out quickly.
May be wrong, but I am speaking with a lot of confidence here.
-Steven

Q: One of my best guy friend wants to go out with me. But I'm scared it my ruin our friendship after we might break up. Should I risk my friendship and go out with him or don't take the risk and save our friendship?

Your friendship, whether it is a yes or a no, is never going to be the same again. Because before you thought that he was a guy friend who you just were friends with. Now you know that he likes you, and it cannot be the same, however hard you try.
I'd go out with him if I were you (Not if I were myself, that would not be right... :P). The friendship stands more of a chance of being ruined by rejecting him (Hurting his feelings) than going out with him.
:)
-Steven

Q: i pretty much like my body..except my legs. is there any exercises for your calves? i hate mine :[ -- im a girl.. help please

Marching Band. I am in band camp now, and my calves are coming home aching from all the work they do. It's all rolling through your feet and walking backwards on the balls of your feet.
You may want to walk in addition to running, concentrating on getting your heels dug into the ground.
Or, you can just join a marching band. :)

bio

THE PENGUIN RULES ALL! AHAHAHAHAHAHA! *Cough*
Hello! My name is Steven, and I am a mentor. Yes, that does mean that I help other people. I have helped over 1000 people to date, and have helped some individuals for over 1/2 a year. The miracle of my life occurred 17 years ago. I say miracle only because 1/4 babies survive to be born.
I am the first born of 2 children, and I am also the black sheep. I listen to Classical Music, so you can call me a weirdo. :P. I have Obsessive Compulsive Disorder, so take no offense if my answers never seem to end.
In school, I get As and Bs. More Bs really. I play trombone, and was the section leader of the trombones at my school. This year, I am the captain of the entire brass section. I am an Eagle Scout, so I guess that says I'm persistant? You make the call. I am a 3 time varsity letter winner, looking for a 4th next winter. I also participate in the musical, where I am a Bass 2. :)
I am straight, and have never had a relationship beyond a friend. However, I have survived the bumps in the road, and can advise you if you wish it. Though, it's not my strength.
I'm here for you, and only you. That means that my advise will not always confort you. Heck, it may even scare you. Yet, I want you to do what is best for your mind. Not what is typically seen as best for you, but what YOU see best for YOU. Heck, if you wanted what was seen as best for you, you would've asked your parents what you should do. They give you what's typically best.
Alright, before I start getting tendinitis from writing that over and over again, I'll just say what I mean. I mean that if you ask me about something, let's say walking 10 miles a day, and I think it's rediculous, yet you are asking for something to do, I am NOT going to say "10 miles is the type of a thing a anorexia athletica would do. Try 5." I'll give you something to do.
Oh, and I'm a L1 moderator, which means I rate questions.

Don't hesitate to IM me, I'm usually on. If I'm not, just drop one in the Inbox!

Oh, by the way, I am liberal in everything. That means that abortion is a woman's RIGHT, and gay marriage should be LEGAL.

Ask away!
-Steven