Member Since: August 7, 2012
Answers: 1038
Last Update: August 2, 2021
Visitors: 29825
|
| |
Hello,
My boyfriend and I are 17 and 18 years old. We started a long distance relationship a little over six months ago. Back then, I was still a virgin and he knew that. However, a few months ago I cheated on him and lost my virginity to a guy I honestly had no feelings for. I was completely aware of what I was doing and I did it because I really just wanted to get it over with. I made sure there were no feelings attached. Now, the guy still chases after me, but I want no business with him, or any other guy rather than my boyfriend. I love him to death and really have no trouble remaining faithful. I realized it wasn't worth it and he's truly the only guy I ever want to be with. However, I know that he'll want to break up with me and his heart will be completely shattered if he knows. He keeps talking about how magical he wants my first time to be once we finally see each other again. And I believe it will be magical because it'll be with him. I don't want to lose him, but I do think he needs to know. I also don't think it's any conversation to have via phone/text/video. A close friend told me not to say anything '"cause there's no point". I know if we were in the same time zone it'd be easier to confess and try to win his trust back, but I have a serious disadvantage by not being able to daily demonstrate my true feelings towards him. I've thought of telling him in the far future, once we're living together, but I don't know how he'll feel about it after such a long time...
Also, I'm actually kind of glad I did it only because it was extremely painful, and he wasn't the one who caused that terrible experience. The guy was gentle, so it would've been bad either way. Should I tell him when we finally meet again? If so, should I do it as soon as possible, or do I give it some time? If I do choose to tell him, I know I probably shouldn't have sex with him until he's known, but I'm terribly scared of ruining the possibility of a future with him.
I'd appreciate any thoughts and advice,
Thank you. (link)
| |
I honestly don't think you should tell him. It will impact on him and it's overwhelmingly unlikely that it will be in a good way. Winning back trust is far from easy, sometimes impossible. Right now you haven't (so far as he is concerned) broken that trust. I rally would suggest you keep it that way. I can appreciate that you feel YOU HAVE broken the trust and honesty in this relationship by having sex with the other guy. There's always a strong urge to confess, especially to people we love and hold dear. Your reasoning is perhaps "I've betrayed him and he deserves to know the truth"?? The confession might indeed be liberating for YOU. You put the responsibilty of handling it on his shoulders instead of your own...that's why confession 'lightens our own burden' as you might say. Really sweetheart, he is NOT going to want to hear this. Whatever the confession achieves will almost certainly be bought at a high price. Maybe the ultimate price, you drive him away completely because he can't handle it? Right. YOU did it. YOU accept responsibilty to yourself. YOU do the 'handling'. YOU protect him, even if you're feeling down on yourself for doing it. Fair?? Sounds like the experience wasn't a great one for you? Not great physically, worse emotionally (you didn't even much fancy him, and he's nowhere compared to your boyfriend). Only thing remotely positive is that you did not have a bad experience with the guy you really love? So hang on to the positive. When you first have sex with your boyfriend you tell him it's your first time. Tell him afterwards that is was fantastic. What a considerate and gentle lover he was. It didn't feel uncomfortable or hurt a bit. You know when the time comes you're going to have to 'play out a part' in a way,so you can prepare mentally for it. It's gonna be great, he's gonna be your first proper lover. That's what he wants, thats what you would have liked...so that's what he's gonna see mate! OK?? You'll be fine. There's no way he'll know unless you tell him. It's not always painful first time. You won't 'feel' any different to him. Not all women have a noticeable blood loss from 'losing their cherry'. Quite honestly, you sound like you love him a lot. And that he loves you. Why risk messing things up over a casual-sex encounter with a guy you didn't much care for anyway? I hope this does not sound devious? I know we like to think we always tell the truth. Omit nothing. Confess. Talk straight and tell it like it is. And so on. There are some situations where this blunt blanket of a maxim is actually a selfish act, not a virtue. In effect, what right have you got to upset him because of something YOU did? I hope you 'get' what I'm proposing in this reply? You 'make it up to him' NOT by easing YOUR conscience with a confession, but through deference to him. Two negative make a positive, likewise two 'wrongs' can indeed make a 'right'. And in this case I feel they will. Gamblers regulalrly win on a bluff. Just keep your nerve mate! Best wishes. X
|
|
At home there is a small drawer with a razor blade that we use to scrape crud of the stove. One day I was getting some dishwasher capsules and I was holding said razor blade. A little later, I saw my dog and he was growling at me and once I put the razor blade back in the drawer, he stopped. Can my dog be telling me something? (link)
| |
I can't imagine the dog (any dog for that matter) knows what a razor blade is. Can't see why the dog would be agitated at the sight of you holding one either. And then calm when you put it back in the drawer. I would not think the dog felt threatened. Animals can certainly 'detect' our feelings. When we are stressed or anxious we instantly sweat. A dog could detect the scent, their noses thousands of times more sensitive than human noses. The saying about all predatory animals 'smelling fear' is quite right. (Dogs are directly traceable to wolves of course, which are supreme predators). So are YOU nervous/anxious/stressed when you hold a razor blade? Could the dog have 'picked up'your fear? Bit of a tenuous link, maybe? Could the dog associate something unpleasant with an object which it has seen taken out of, and then put back into a drawer? Medication from a vet springs to mind. Say, stuff which was used to dress and treat a wound? The experience would perhaps have been painful? That might do it. Try opening and shutting the drawer when the dog is around. Otherwise I'd tend to put it down to coincidence. I mean razor blades can be dangerous if used carelessly, but it's rather far fetched to imagine a dog could know this. And even more unlikely to, for instance, be warning you to take care with it. They're wonderfully intuitive animals and there's such a strong bond between dog and owner. If somebody say, attacked you with a knife your dog certainly WOULD see you threatened and in danger, and would do all it could to defend you. Just can't see it 'recognising' a razor blade, in your own hands as a threat though.
|
|
My husband and I's one year anniversary is coming up in a few months, and so is a very close friend's wedding, her wedding date: our one year anniversary. I'm at a loss of what to do. My husband wouldn't be able to come with me to her wedding, and my friend would be extremely hurt if I didn't go. What makes the situation awkward is I knew when picking my wedding date that my friend would be getting married that same day. I had no choice however (my husband is military). I reassured and promised her since she got engaged that I would be there at her wedding. In fact, as soon as I got the wedding invite, I texted her and let her know I would be there and how excited I was. My husband always knew I'd be going, but I guess it just clicked for him I'd be missing or first anniversary. He's very upset, anniversaries are very important to him. I tried reasoning with him that we could celebrate another day, but he's not having it. What do I do? I will always pick my husband over anything, but shouldn't he be more understanding? Should I be present for the most important day of my close friend's life and hurt my husband? Or be there with my husband for our one year anniversary and risk losing my friend? (And I have very few true good friends) (link)
| |
The concept of your friends wedding day (which will be a one-off) having priority over your anniversary (which I hope will be just of many more to come)is a sentiment I entirely agree with personally. However, I am not your husband and his priority is very clearly your anniversary. And 'demoting' his primary objective to 'another day' is not likely to be popular with him of course. I assume you've reasoned this argument through with him...without success? OK. I'm assuming now that the wedding will take the usual format. Formal service, followed by reception? Now a wedding reception is normally over the afternoon and evening. Usually it's quite a lavish do. Nice meal, lots of booze (including oodles of champagne!!)and a good excuse for you both to put on your best outfits, and a make-up and hairdo for you. How about making the reception a celebration of your own. Don't try and steal all the thunder from the happy couple, it's their day. But incorporate your own anniverary into the day out. If the best man makes his speech, ask him when he's thanking the guests etc to mention "Jennifer's best mate Jane and husband Joe who were married a year ago on this very day. Glad you're both here". Pause for a bit of applause or a cheer. Savvy? Substitute you real names, naturally! That would be my first choice in handling it. Attending just the service migh be acceptable, leaving the evening (usual time for meals and parties) free for whatever you and hubby have planned. Or stretch it a bit, by attending the reception and leaving a little early. You'll be dressed-up already. The last two really assume the wedding is not a huge distance from where you would like your own celebration. You'd perhaps like that close to your home? You'll have to arrange dinner, hotel etc in a strange town. True, that's not an impossible ask by any means. But I'd try suggesting the first idea to him. The reception and all the glitz counts as YOUR anniversary celebration. Mainly I suppose because having your friend and her husband come along with YOUR anniversary dinner on THEIR wedding day is decidedly NOT an option! If you do have to make a mutually exclusive choice then try to be gracious about it if it's not the one you feel you SHOULD have done. And genuinely apologetic to the one you let down. Good friends should make allowances, but so should your husband. Hope my reply might help in some way? It clearly IS an issue, but when you're negotiating with your husband do try and keep from making it an even bigger issue. Meaning keep calm, cool and reasonable when you're putting your side over, whatever the outcome. At the very worst, you might tell your friend that you've found that your husband has secretly arranged a big party. Loads of invites. Not realising there was a clash of dates. And you can't get out of it. But you'll have to cover your tracks if it's a table for two in a small intimate local restaurant or something and there's a chance she'll find out. Hope again there's some light somewhere in my reply, and I wish you an outcome which is satisfactory for all. X
|
|
What jobs can gay people get? (link)
| |
I believe you cannot be actively homosexual in any branched of the armed forces (army, navy, airforce). Other than that it's pretty much up to you. It's not customary to ask about sexual orientation on applications, interviews or enrolment so your employer does not even need to know. Neither do your co-workers. It might be a bad idea to mention it at the interview stage in general conversation. The guy or woman doing the hiring MAY be homophobic and it could prejudice them against you. Strictly speaking' they cannot discriminate on grounds of sexual orientation. But they ARE free to choose who they want for the job, and they are not obliged to tell you WHY your application was not successful. "We chose the applicant we considered most suitable" is all you'll get.Big loop-hole here, eh? Bear it in mind. If you disclose sexual orientation after your probationary period then it will not of course be grounds for warning/dismissal and you cannot be fired without them making the reason known and going through proper channels/procedures. Don't feel like I should have to advise duplicity or concealment. But it might be a case rather of 'prudence' or if its a job you want badly. Why risk falling victim to a bigot by telling them something they don't even need to know? Good luck. Honestly, there are NOT 'gay jobs' or 'straight jobs'. Except the forces. Which is understandable I reckon?
|
|
I have lied to my boyfriend his car handle fell off so I try to fix it with some super glue he came to my house that evening and asked me if I tried to fix his hand on his car with super glue and I stood in front of him face to face and I said no so he said well I'm going to call my son and see if he done it so you got a hold of his son and his son said no I didn't do it look at the cameras that you have at your house and it will tell who did it. So the next day when he left for work I text him that I did ithe forgive me for that stupid lie but he still broke up with me because I did it face to face if you truly love somebody you shouldn't have to lie to him you should tell them the truth what should I do I asked him for a second chance but he's not listening or even talking to me (link)
|
You can only apologise for not telling him the truth straight away, which you seem to have done already. And he has refused to accept the apology. It's true that nobody likes being lied to. I don't. I certainly wouldn't let a lie from like this (which is all about a car handle at the end of the day)make me break-up with a girl I loved. The accident happened, probably would have happened WHOEVER used the handle at that moment, and it's got to be fixed. Fix it and get on with it, wouldn't want it to cost me a loving relationship!
I'd be a bit worried that you felt you couldn't tell me and had to try and hide it. I'd be thinking "Am I that scary? Is she so frightened of me being angry?" It's absolute rubbish when people have the opinion that if somebody lies about one thing then they are just plain 'liars' in general and will lie about anything. Life, and people are just not this simple. It's a childish view of life and human behaviour. He may have this opinion himself. I can only think that you could repeat the apology. Point out that you hate to think of the relationship breaking down over a car handle and a lie you told without really thinking about it. That you always try to open and honest with him and will try to be on even the smallest things, because you see now that any untruths annoy him. And wait. If he's not man enough to accept an apology, forget him and move on. If it's the car handle ITSELF that's really turned him against you, you're better off without him too. He's going to have to deal with a LOT worse, and harder to fix things than this in his life.
|
|
This guy likes me and keeps talking to me and I want to make sure I'm not accidently flirting with him. Can you tell what not to do? Thanks (link)
| |
Hi there. This is actually going to be quite difficult. If he's spending time with you and talking to you AND he's got his eye on you as a potential girlfriend then there's a good chance he'll latch onto virtually anything you say or do and see it as a sign that you are interested. The bits that clearly aren't signs of interest he'll tend to 'filter out' (ie. ignore!). I see your point. You don't want to lead him on. You can't say "I like you but not in that way" until he comes out and says plainly that he DOES think of YOU in that way, eh? Talking about a guy you fancy is probably not a good idea. He might see it as a 'blind'. Or if he happens to know the guy in question, word might get back to him. (Of course, if there IS a guy you fancy and he knows him, it's a golden opprtunity. And you'll kill both birds with one stone mate!!). Making up a fictious friend of a relation (my brothers mate, etc) is risky. If it gets known the guy doesn't exist you'll look like a fantasist. Not a great reputation!). Only thing I'm seeing as a possibilty is this. You tell him that he's a great friend and nice and easy to talk to. Then look a bit unhappy/pathetic and say that you can't ever seem to talk to guys you're dying to go out with like this. Tell him you blush, get all tongue-tied. Mess it up. It's so unfair! Savvy? He might get the message with any luck. Practical stuff? Don't end up gazing long and deep into his eyes when you're talking. Especially if it's accompanied by a silence! Keep the full contact for two or three seconds max. Break the contact and pick it up again later. Don't want things getting too intense. Alternatively, you don't think about it or do anything. You just keep up the friendly relationship, and if or when he makes what is quite clearly a pass, you can give him the equally clear "I like you...but not in that way" line. He can't really say "That's not fair. You talk to me. I thought that meant you wanted to go out with me?" can he? You talk to lots of people, do you not? It is tricky, mainly because, as we've said he may see many things as a 'flirt' from you purely because that's what he WANTS to see. Any help? X
|
He sent a message saying "hes sorry to put me through this" and I said that I'm there if he needs to talk to and he just said "sure".
Now I wonder if he wants to break up or not. Honestly, I don't feel a thing anymore for him.
I am expressive about what I feel.. But at least he can stop being cold in his messages. I've decided to wait until this weekend and see how things go... Other wise I am gonna move on. (link)
| |
I see. We can only offer help, we cannot force it on someone and make them take it. I can understand that you are pretty much at one with your emotions and feelings. Communicative. Comfortable about having them and talking about them. He surely is not. So one wonders if you'd ever really hit it off long term? Cool, off-hand responses and stone-walling could easliy kill off any feelings you may have had for him. You're doing all the emotional 'giving' and he doesn't even seem to respond, let alone return it, eh? Perhaps some girls might settle for that? Perhaps YOU never would? Don't let him kill off your loving heart and harden it towards others though, will you? It's a precious thing you know. And when it finds it's true mate you'll be wanting it all intact! If the relationship falls apart, I can't help feeling he stands to lose a lot more than you do. Honestly sweetheart. "Sure" is not really an appropriate answer to the way you reached out to him here, is it? XX
|
So my bf (not sure if he still is) and I are/were in a long distance relationship for 4 months now.
Last week (Saturday), I sent him a text saying "hi" and he replied late night and I sensed something was wrong so I asked him if we are okay and he said yes and he told me we really were okay.
Then next day no contact.. I told him that I feel things are a little too distant and i'd like to know what's happening as I hadnt heard from him in 2 days and I even asked him if he wanted to do this anymore.
He said he does and he's not slept in 36 hours. I told him that I wouldn't know That unless he tells me.
And he said "I know. I'm sorry".
And after that i told him it would be easier for me to know why this is happening.. He said " he's got s lot on his plate. He's losing his mind ".
I told him things will be fine.
And I didn't receive any reply after that after last Wednesday. I haven't texted him since and I don't feel like it. Should i assume that we have broken up and move on. I'm really tired with all the drama.
Two weeks back this guy wants more communication and hated when I didn't text him. Now this is just contradictory.
I also asked him directly if he didn't want to do this as it would spare us from any drama.
What should I do.? I don't want to text him again as he was very cold in his messages. How long should I wait for his response if any and am move on?? (link)
| |
Definitely a lot of conflicting messages, and big discrepancies between what he says and what he subsequently actually does, I see? No wonder you're feeling tired, and confused as to the state of the relationship. I think really I can only highlight things you've probably worked out for yourself. The three options as I see them are: 1. He's facing some personal or work-related crisis that he is either unable or unwilling to disclose to you. Unwilling even to clearly state that there IS such a problem. 2. He has some psychiatric condition which may or may not be diagnosed, and is prone to episodes like this. Times when he is distant, secretive, confused and disorientated ('aka 'losing ones mind'). Possibly there are long lucid spells when he's 'OK' and you have not encountered him having one yet (it's the first since he's been with you)? Or perhaps he has hidden them? Also, there's a tendency not to want to confess to psychiatric conditions in many people. (This is a major problem. We do not 'hide' having broken a wrist' for instance, from our friends, or put off seeking medical help when we break it). 3. He does not want to continue with the relationship. It can be hard to tell someone it's over. But if that is his intent, I do feel on the whole he seems to have been drawing it out a bit too long, and is contradicting himself a little too much. Does it seem like that to you? Losing one's mind, under pressure, recently wanting MORE communication...these don't really map onto trying to tell someone kindly that they want out of a relationship, do they? If you pushed me for a conclusion, and one only, it would have to be that this guy is struggling with some emotional/mental demon or other, or that hs is facing some situation which is now, or will soon cause him a a good deal of trouble. The nature of the situation, or the trouble I could not begin to say with any degree of certainty. Work? Legal? Financial...even criminal? I would perhaps send him one more message. Tell him you are concerned. He seems distant and worried about something. Tell him you're there for him if he needs you. Ask him if there's anything you can do. Even if he just wants to talk to someone. No conditions. Probably make a vow to yourself that this is YOUR last communication. Time limits rarely fit well with emotional issues. You can't say to someone fighting their demons "You've got a week to get yourself together" for instance. But I feel you'd be justified in deciding that if he has made NO response (even his rather cold and unhelpful type) within two weeks then you should 'move on' in your mind. That is, NOT issue an ultimatum. Just leave the 'no response' as a provisional 'no' and if a new relationship with someone else presents itself then certainly grab the opportunity with both hands and don't let any of this hold you back. If nobody happens along to take your fancy, stay single. But don't dwell on the past. X
|
|
Back to grade 7, (I'm now grade 8) My classmates tease or bully me because my lips are big and pout.Now i'm grade 8, they don't care about my pout lips. Is my lips nice being pouty or do i should make exercise to make my big lips smaller? (link)
| |
Having collagen treatment is a common request of the cosmetic surgeon. By women who want to make their lips fuller, and get themselves a proper sexy pout! I don't think women ever seek any cosmetic work to make the lips look LESS full. The whole idea of lip gloss is to enhance the lips too. Making them look full and drawing attention to them. So you would have to say that generally pouty lips are indeed nice and considered desirable. Young girls can be notoriously 'picky' and will find something to tease in ANYBODY when they want to. Ignore them mate. And I guarantee you that in a few years you'll LOVE that sexy pout. And so will the guys. They'll all want to kiss you! The girls are out-growing the teasing already, as you point out. They've realised it's a cool look for a girl too I should say. How dumb are they gonna look teasing a girl for having something that looks great and lots of women want?? And they know it. You got no worries sweetheart. X
|
|
Okay so i'm 14/f and this girl in my 1st period i feel like she might like me. I know i shouldn't get my hopes up too much in case she doesn't, she might not even be gay/bi, i had just been picking up on some subtle signals recently. I don't actually think she knows that i'm a lesbian, though i am open about it, but i started talking to her and now i'm starting to feel like i'm getting mixed signals. I asked her for her number and she said she doesn't know it (surprisingly common among the people i talk to believe it or not) and i gave her mine and told her to text me, but she never did. That happened about a week ago. On the other hand, if i don't approach her first in the mornings (which i've been trying to avoid doing so i can see what she does) then she usually says something and talks to me a little bit, though the class is Orchestra so there isn't exactly too much time to talk and i don't see her any other time. Also during a free day we were talking (she had approached me and sat down next to me) and she was asking me about what kinds of music i liked, and she was telling me what kinds she likes. She mentioned a few popular or semi-popular artists, and then proceeded to sing very quietly to one of those artists songs under her breath. (and she has a great voice, irrelevant i know but it's so sweet and smooth and lovely) I told her she has a nice voice, and she smiled and said that she doesn't like singing with a lot of people around, then proceeded to say that maybe i should come over to her house sometime and we could play Just Dance which has those artists on it, and i told her that sounds like a lot of fun and i'd love to. Side not that during this exchange, we were holding eye contact with eachother. (and she also has really gorgeous eyes) But it's hard to talk to her, i feel like i'm not getting anywhere and we have the same exchanges and she still hasn't texted me and still says she doesn't know her number, and because of this i'm unable to really get to know her and also still don't even know for a fact if she even likes girls or if i misread the situation entirely. I'm just really confused and frustrated and not sure if i should continue trying or if i'm wasting my time, and if i do continue to pursue then how do i even proceed? (link)
| |
Hi there. I can tell from reading this that you really like her a lot, don't you? Sounds to me as though she likes you too. But it may not be on the level you want. So. You're OK with the idea of same-sex relationships. Maybe not exclusively (since you're using the term gay/bi), but if you feel drawn in this way to another girl at times during your life then there's no reason why you can't just go with it? I do feel that she does not have your strength of conviction or confidence right now. She can't be completely comfortable with either the idea of same-sex relationships, or possibly one with you. Now don't get this second part wrong. It's the same with heterosexual relationships. We can't instantly choose a partner with certainty. There's a lot of feeling each other out, seeking each other's approval, looking for common interests. Seeing if we 'click'. And this is exactly what you're doing isn't it? You like her voice, we like the same music etc. We engage We hold each others attention, eye to eye. It's always a time of those mixed signals. Uncertainty. Some confusion. I'm afraid that YOU also have to contend with the possibility that she finds a same-sex relationship out of the question, however much you click on other levels. A 'misread situation' will of course be crushing and embarrassing. What I'm getting is a strong impression that right now she's not saying 'definitely no' but she's unwilling to say 'definitely yes'. She's simply not sure. I'd proceed in exactly the way you have been going. Keep engaging with her, building up the strength of the bond. The closer you get the more likely she is to feel confident, comfortable and relaxed around you. Put the right atmosphere in place an d then if it's going to happen, it's going to happen. But don't force things. DON'T go steaming-in with "I'm fed up wasting time. I'm Bi. I fancy you. How about it?". In fact, you're going to have to use proper patience and undertsanding. Keep putting out the positives. Court her attention and affection slowly step by step. All this with absolutely NO gurantee that anything is going to come of it. Do YOU think she's worth the effort and justifies the gamble? Only you can answer that. If it's 'yes' then this is what I think you'll have to do. But really, gay, bi or straight, isn't this the process through which we all come to know our future partners?? Good luck sweetheart. Like I said, it's obvious in every word you've written that you think the world of this girl. X
|
|
I have a crush on my 19 yr old brother I've been fantasize about him since I was 13 what should I do ask him out or seduce him? (link)
| |
It's not a great idea and I'd forget any thoughts of seducing him or attempting to realise the fantasy in any way. When our hormones become active the first flush as you might say can be 1. Very powerful and compelling and 2. Equally indiscriminate regarding possible targets. OK, brother's around, on the scene. Representing maleness and manliness no doubt. Which is why you're latching on to him. He's familiar too, and in a way 'safe'. But of course we do not form sexual relationships with our siblings. Fantasy is harmless, but he's emotionally and sexually a 'dead end' really, isn't he? He'll always be your brother, naturally. You'll share stuff you maybe don't share with any other guy. You'll be close in absolutely unique ways. But not in a sexual way. How about trying to broaden your horizons? Think of, and fantasize over some guys who are NOT related. The sexual tension can really build up at your age, the best way is to relieve it through masturbation. And that's THE best time to really explore those fantasies and desires in your mind. Nothing you're saying here is totally abnormal, or freaky. There's nothing to worry about. The crush will pass. But (back to where we started really) physically realising the fantasy is not a good idea. He'll probably be rather shocked if you attempt to as well. I'd tend not to even mention the subject to him at all. You've aired your feelings here, got them out into the light. That's a good way of dealing with them and handling them. And you have lots of good replies to read through and think about. I'd sum it up as natural feelings and urges, all part of becoming a woman. Just temporarily locked-on to the wrong target sweetheart! It happens. X
|
|
I'm a 14 year old female with depression and anxiety. I'm a freshman in high school, but I'm homeschooled due to the mental illnesses. Well, I have NO friends. The only interaction I really have is with my family. I probably only go outside once or twice a week. All I really do is play video games, read, surf the internet, do my schoolwork, or other little activities. I love going outside as long as it isn't hot, but I'm just too depressed and anxious. Is there something wrong with me? I go to a therapist every week. I just feel like I'm worthless and not going anywhere since I stay in my room 23 hours of the day, on the internet for like half of that time. I just feel worthless. It's not like I'm a lazy bum who doesn't do anything with their life, I just am majorly depressed and scared to leave my house. I'm still in school and learn a lot though. (link)
| |
Hi there. There's nothing like depression for sealing us up in a sort of box, both mental and physical too. It really does shut us off from outside stimulus. That world outside isn't looking full of possibilities and opportunities to you right now is it? More like full of threats I bet? There's a sort of repetitive rhythm in your writing mate. Like you're in a never-ending loop. Not confident so you stay put. Meaning you miss out on social interractions and the opportunity to make new acquaintances. So you don't get the chance to build on them and reinforce them. And further down goes your confidence....back to square one, eh? Thing about 'loops' is they don't have a natural break in them, if they did they wouldn't be loops! Right. Now there's nothing badly wrong with what you're doing right now. Frustrating, bit boring maybe, but it's not going to kill you. But you don't want to be posting the same thing when you're 15, or 16 do you. Of course you don't! OK, keep calm. Don't throw yourself into some mad social activity all at once. That's just going to pile on the pressure and crank-up your anxiety levels. How about just starting to think about where you can make an opportunity happen, a chance to break that loop? What do like, or even just like the sound of? Any sports? Learn to ride a horse? Shoot clay pigeons? (Just random guesses, you mentioned liking the outdoors). Learn to paint? Learn photography? List's endless...bet you've got some much better ideas?? Keep looking for some way to get yourself 'out there' again and around people. Bet your mates like social media? Start off by trying to build up some strong on-line friendships. Be upfront, say pretty much what you've said to us in your exchanges. Feeling down, losing interest...can we chat? It's interesting to note that the 'opposite' (if you like) of boredom is NOT excitement. It's social interraction. Just shooting the breeze with friends gets you out of that loop, you don't have to go parachute jumping with them! At 14, you're in it for the long-haul. You've got a lot of living still to do. Wish I had that much life still in front of me sweetheart! So think long term. You're not so bad right now, but try to start making things happen. Small steps, day by day. Celebrate the little victories. Sooner or later they turn the whole war around! You'll get there. XX
|
Hi there,boy Im in hot water.
This guy I like likes looking at other women.We followed each other on Instagram.And every time I log in,it shows me what people I follow liked pictures,and how many. Well,about 90% of his posts are all sexy and suggestive photos,I was sick of seeing crap! Especially when he has me to stare at.I have brought this up many times.So I told him I wasnt sending him anymore photos to his phone.
I said ''you get sexy photos for free,and see them all the time why should I bother? Just the last straw''
And he responded ''Oh my god...you're right.This is the last straw''
And then I said''Dont be upset'' And sent some other messages
And he said ''I'm not talking to you right now. Stop blowing up my phone''
He unfollowed and blocked me on his Instagram.
So,how bad is this? Os he leaving me? Am I ever going to hear from him again? Or did I jut blow it? Anything? Is there anything I can do?
Or is it a done deal? I said I was sorry. And I am.I love him very much.
So,is it over,and does he need his space? (link)
| |
Making a point, and confronting an issue which you find unacceptable is not screwing-up. In this case 'NOT screwing up' would entail you putting up with the behaviour, pretending it did not bother you? Clearly it did/does bother you. I would very much 'give him his space' if I were you. Make it known that you have no interest pursuing the relationship while he continues with this behaviour anyway, so his moaning and blocking are likewise of no interest to you. If he decides his sexy posts and photos and on-line flirting are more important to him than YOU then you haven't lost much have you? In fact, all you've lost is a guy who shows no concern or respect towards your feelings. You can do better than this. X
|
|
I just want to try to explain in the best way possible on why I was acting the way I was my night. It's just all of your qualities are perfection. Your outside beauty is just what every girl would die for in a guy. Every time I look at you, I imagine a thousand girls capturing you in the center of their circle telling you how much they want you and what they'd do to make you theirs. And they'd all fight over you. I don't just imagine that by how bright your smile is, how it can make anyone smile, or how your eyes are your own shade of that beautiful blue, or your perfect size in torso and arms, or your perfectly messy hair, but your personality too. They want your kindness, your obsessiveness, your optimism, your humor, your caring heart, but most of all, they want that pure happiness that you're able to give any girl. The reason why I want you to have the best things the world has to offer is because I love and care for you so fucking much, but mostly because you deserve all of those things. I love you enough that I'll let you go if there's something that you want that couldn't involve me. I've never been like that about any guy before, because I love YOU. Like I said, to me, your happiness is a million times more important than mine. I put your happiness before mine ALL OF THE TIME. And that's why I hate myself more when I'm extremely depressed, because I literally have no control over it, and I'll say things I probably don't even mean. But Jake, I know I'm suicidal. I've wanted to kill myself for four years now, and I was literally about to attempt again. But when you said if I couldn't live for myself, to live for you...I'll do that then if it makes you happy. (link)
| |
WOW! If a girl felt a lot of what you're feeling about me I'd count myself a very lucky chap indeed! Only thing that's not quite ringing so sweet is the thought that you were 'only living for me'. That puts a massive responsibility on a person and puts them under a lot of pressure. Even if they don't always say so. OK, we all have hard times and dark days. And as and when you found yourself in these situations, sure I'd want to be right there behind you. 100 percent. And if the idea of having someone really special was the only thing you could latch on to to keep you going on the darkest days, I'd try and be that guy. But I'd really only want you to be that dependent for a short time. To see you through. I'd be looking to get you back to your proper self. More independent and self-reliant. A partner in other words! To sum it up, I'd want you to LOVE ME but know that you need to LIVE FOR YOUSELF. It's about striking the right balance. Putting the needs and happiness of another before your own is indeed a noble thing and we might easily say it is a hallmark of loving that person. But that should not mean you become subservient. A 'door mat' with no needs of your own. Perhaps try to think about why we call our 'significant other' our partner? Like a business partner? Each brings something different to the party, but there is a basic equality in the arrangement. Different things, but of equal value and both essential. You sound as though YOU have a beautiful and loving heart yourself. That's a valuable thing. You're PARTNERS, remember that. XX
|
|
I'm a 15 year old female and my boyfriend has popped my cherry will this affect the way I have sex or get fingered again ? And will the cherry get back to normal . (link)
| |
'Popped my cherry' denotes a membrane (like a thin 'skin') within your vagina has been ruptured. It doesn't always remain intact even before having sex, sometimes physical excercise/activity can 'pop' it. Or fingering. It does not repair itself or grow back ('get back to normal') in any way. All sexual active women have 'lost their cherry' (to use the term) and by definition, once you are sexually active this IS of course 'normal'. You'll enjoy a perfectly normal and natural sex life with regard to fingering and penetrative intercourse. It's nothing at all for you to worry about, any ideas about your cherry going 'back to normal' are not really relevant then, are they? And your body is not damaged/less perfect or anything of that sort now you've 'lost your cherry'. It's worth pointing out that as you appear to be already sexually active at 15, it's absolutely essential that you and your boyfriend take proper precautions re. birth control. You must both understand why it's essential (NOT optional!) and that you're getting everything right every time. You don't need me to tell you that getting pregnant at 15 is NOT a great idea and it'll mess things up for you big time. I DO NOT want to see a post from you saying your boyfriend "has cum inside me a while ago and I've missed my period and I think I'm pregnant." OK??? Take care, but don't worry yourself about the 'cherry' thing. You can't have sex AND keep it. It's a minor biological fact, nothing more. X
|
|
theres a guy that i really really like and ive know him for 3 years but im not sure if i dhould ask if he likes me, or how to say it. we do kind of flirt but i font know if ne really likes someone like me. (link)
| |
Define 'someone like me'? Is there any reason why he should NOT like you? I'd guess over three years you'll have gathered a fair bit of info on each other? He's still flirting with you. Keep your eye out during these flirting sessions, soon as you see an opportunity to 'call his bluff'...CALL IT. There's always a bit of bluff, bit of 'cat and mouse' in flirting, right? Look him full in the eye and respond in a way that says 'OK...now what are you going to do about it?' Then let it go, let him think about it for a while. Next time you get together you'll almost certainly see a difference. Cooler, you've probably lost the gamble. His loss really, you did your bit. There'll be other guys. If he's keener? MUCH keener? You're IN! Roll the dice mate, it's the only way you'll find out. Big mistake for you girls to think guys are always the more confident. We have our fears and insecurities. About ourselves, our abilities, about how we come across, about asking girls out. Specially about asking girls out! We often need a bit of a push. Something to work with. Remember, full in the eye, cool and level relaxed look, massive dazzling smile. And whatever you say make it something he can't help but get the message that you're interested...loud and clear. Good luck. X
|
Thank you for reading and advising!
When I was a child, too young to remember, I hit a golf ball with a hammer and it hit my sister in the tooth.
Now we are both around 40 years old and that tooth developed some problems and requires surgery. I'm not sure how much guilt/financial responsibility I should be feeling. I would appreiate some 3rd party advise. Thanks! (link)
| |
Guilt is probably the most pointless and futile human emotion to cling on to. Remorse at the time shows humility and that you regret what you did and that you hopefully have learned something about yourself in the process. Offering to help out with the medical bill would be a nice touch. You might look at where you stand. If your income is in all honesty far above that of your sister then you might consider telling her to get the job done and don't worry about the cost, you'll pay. If the roles are reversed and she is more affluent than you then maybe a token payment? But if she really is in a much better financial position, and you both know it...she'll probably refuse. Accidnets happen. Sure, YOU hit the golf ball but not with the intent to injure her, and you could not possibly foresee that decades later it would need work. I'm sure she understood and accepted all this long ago.
|
|
The passing of three relatives in the pass couple of years has made me wonder what happens when you die. I used to deal with depression and I did not want to live but now that I am happy I don't want to die.I am a young adult and would love to believe I will live to grow old. But,I am afraid to go to sleep because I might die in my sleep. I do believe in God and I pray but it still bothers me that I will die one day. I understand everyone will die but once you realize it will happen to you it is hard not to have anxiety about it because its permanent. It weird to grasp that I might not exist. It seems like No one really "knows" everyone just "believe" something will happen. Should I change my perspective? (link)
| |
Hi. There comes a moment, in early childhood where each of us becomes aware of mortality, and thus of our OWN mortality. In a way we never regain that young childs blissful ignorance/innocence. How we choose to both know and somehow seemingly ignore the inevitability of our own demise is a long standing and tricky issue to philosophers and psychologists. But we do. When we find ourselves dwelling on the subject of death and the apparent futility of living at all there is generally an underlying cause. Recent depression is no doubt playing a big role in your awareness of your mortality. It's nice to hear you seem to be enjoying life at present and want to cling on to it. Keep on making plans for the future. Keep looking ahead. Chances are you'll live out your time and see the plans come to pass. If there IS any sort of after-life it's surely nothing like what you're experiencing right now. I'd say some cliche like "I take one day at a time and live in the moment". As though there's a choice mate?? That's what we all do and all we can ever do...like it or not! You're fine.
|
21/f, 28/m
I'm having a lot of mixed feelings right now. I know I have to separate one situation from another. But I need help gaining some perspective on why do people have one night stands. I never really followed the crowd, I don't really understand the whole "one night stand" situations.
In my opinion (I hope it doesn't offend anyone), I feel like those who do one night stands lack self-respect and has low self-esteem. I may be wrong.
The reason why I ask is because the guy I'm dating, I have asked him, twice, how many people has he slept with the past two years and when was the last time he's gotten tested (I obviously wasn't asking for fun, I asked to be safe). He told me, both times, that he only slept with me and his ex-girlfriend. And the last time he got tested was two years ago (when he was dating his ex-girlfriend). I decided to get myself tested and I asked him the same question again... He said he slept with FOUR OTHERS.
I got confused and it turns out that he lied to me. He had a few one-night stands with three other girls after his ex-girlfriend. And one was after we first started dating (going on dates, getting to know each other, etc.) I was very surprised when I heard that. I don't know what to think or what to say to him. I feel betrayed, sad, and angry with the situation.
He explained to me that he wasn't looking for one-night stands during that time but they just happened to "fall into his lap." He went on dates with these girls, they realized that they weren't right for each other but had a mutual physical attraction, they slept together, and then that was it.
I still don't understand why people have one-night stands. I don't know how to get over this situation. Help? (link)
| |
Hi. There's nothing intrinsically 'wrong' with casual (aka 'no strings') relationships providing both parties are ok with it. If that's what they both want then both have their expectations met and satisfied. If either party is hoping for 'more' and the other is not then there is an inevitable conflict of expectations and it will end unpleasantly. Even if the 'casual party' feigns committment and goes along with a relationship for a while it is unlikely to truly last...as it was never what he or she actually wanted. Persistent one night stands and/or choosing self-destructive relationships over a long period is often a sign of low self-esteem, you're right. It may also denote a deep fear of committment. The promiscuous behaviour becomes a coping mechanism, and like other coping mechanisms it is compulsive, and habit-forming. Looking back on a string of one-night stands is very likely to erode self-esteem (particularly in a woman, where promiscuous behaviour is generally regarded as less acceptable than it is in males, but we won't open that can of worms right now!) and the issue feeds on itself in a closed mental/behavioural loop. So my reply is not totally conclusive either way. It is neither right or wrong, it may betray a negative self-image and low self-esteem...or it may be a relatively short-lived (in terms of your lifespan) epsisode which does not denote anything of the kind. Brief flings after the failure of a long-term relationship are not uncommon. The rejected partner may well feel the need of a 'fix'. A very obvious proof that he or she is desirable/attractive. I've read your question closely and there are some deeply held views and strong rhetoric floating about. I would dare to venture that ultra-casual, uncommitted relationships are very unlikely to ever give YOU much short or long-term pleasure or satisfaction and the best idea would be to 'stick to your guns' as one might say and give them a miss. If you did indulge in one I feel you might find it emotionally very self-destructive and hard to live with afterwards. Any help?? X
|
|
i don't want to do sex with my boy friend because i am always so scare about sex. (link)
| |
Whatever age you are, if you don't want to have sex and the idea is scaring you it's not time for you to have sex yet. You're not ready. True, you'll be nervous the first time you have sex. And at times in our lives when we perhaps break-up with a partner and come to the moment we first have sex with a 'new' partner, then most of us feel a little nervous all over again. But if you're using terms like "don't want to" and "scared" you're just not ready yet. Wait a while. Until you DO want to. It's your body, your life and your choice when you do it, and who you do it with. Stay true to your feelings, always. If something feels wrong for you there's a strong chance it IS wrong for you. X
|
|