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Would you say this is love...?
I just want to try to explain in the best way possible on why I was acting the way I was my night. It's just all of your qualities are perfection. Your outside beauty is just what every girl would die for in a guy. Every time I look at you, I imagine a thousand girls capturing you in the center of their circle telling you how much they want you and what they'd do to make you theirs. And they'd all fight over you. I don't just imagine that by how bright your smile is, how it can make anyone smile, or how your eyes are your own shade of that beautiful blue, or your perfect size in torso and arms, or your perfectly messy hair, but your personality too. They want your kindness, your obsessiveness, your optimism, your humor, your caring heart, but most of all, they want that pure happiness that you're able to give any girl. The reason why I want you to have the best things the world has to offer is because I love and care for you so fucking much, but mostly because you deserve all of those things. I love you enough that I'll let you go if there's something that you want that couldn't involve me. I've never been like that about any guy before, because I love YOU. Like I said, to me, your happiness is a million times more important than mine. I put your happiness before mine ALL OF THE TIME. And that's why I hate myself more when I'm extremely depressed, because I literally have no control over it, and I'll say things I probably don't even mean. But Jake, I know I'm suicidal. I've wanted to kill myself for four years now, and I was literally about to attempt again. But when you said if I couldn't live for myself, to live for you...I'll do that then if it makes you happy.
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WOW! If a girl felt a lot of what you're feeling about me I'd count myself a very lucky chap indeed! Only thing that's not quite ringing so sweet is the thought that you were 'only living for me'. That puts a massive responsibility on a person and puts them under a lot of pressure. Even if they don't always say so. OK, we all have hard times and dark days. And as and when you found yourself in these situations, sure I'd want to be right there behind you. 100 percent. And if the idea of having someone really special was the only thing you could latch on to to keep you going on the darkest days, I'd try and be that guy. But I'd really only want you to be that dependent for a short time. To see you through. I'd be looking to get you back to your proper self. More independent and self-reliant. A partner in other words! To sum it up, I'd want you to LOVE ME but know that you need to LIVE FOR YOUSELF. It's about striking the right balance. Putting the needs and happiness of another before your own is indeed a noble thing and we might easily say it is a hallmark of loving that person. But that should not mean you become subservient. A 'door mat' with no needs of your own. Perhaps try to think about why we call our 'significant other' our partner? Like a business partner? Each brings something different to the party, but there is a basic equality in the arrangement. Different things, but of equal value and both essential. You sound as though YOU have a beautiful and loving heart yourself. That's a valuable thing. You're PARTNERS, remember that. XX
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You'll know when you're in love and you sound like you know.
Although it doesn't sound healthy :/
It's pretty much the same points Dragonflymagic went over.
To be able to truly love someone, you have to love yourself. You're suicidal and negative thoughts aren't self love and this is something serious. You should seek help for it.
And I'm glad Dragonflymagic pointed out that you love him enough to let you go and you already suffer from depression. So if he decides to move on, it'll be worse than usual.
And you also say you have no control over your depression and you'll probably say things you don't mean. Do you really want to hurt people like that? Especially him? I'm sure you want him in your life and the last thing you want to do is hurt him, so go see a doctor.
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Sounds like you are in love dear. However, as someone much older who has seen alot in my time and even known people in your situation, I can say that you are in a very dangerous position.
Apparently this Jake character knows you fairly well and knows of your being depressed and suicidal.
If he said,"If you can't live for you, then be willing to at least live for me." he was trying to get it right and was getting close when he realized that just as you as right now, you are not ready for a loving relationship.
Hon, with your struggles, it means you are unable to be a 'whole' healthy person currently and it takes to whole people in a love relationship to make it work. He was as a non professional just trying what he thought might help, getting you to want to live to serve him.
That saying about someone being your better half is baloney. You can't live half a life and add a half of him to make yourself whole. If he were a half a person (for analogy sake, meaning something is holding them back from living their life strong and happy and healthy and whole) and gave all of his half self to you, there'd be nothing left of him for him. If he was a whole person, the one who wasn't would lean on the other like a crutch. And in effect, him being someone for somebody to lean on means he is enabling the weaker person to remain stuck where they are. I'd have to say he cares if he said what he said, but until your go see a Dr. to get help for your depression and suicidal thoughts, just getting together with him isn't going to solve things, nope, it's just a bomb waiting to explode and that explosion just might be you taking your life.
I want you to know that going to see a Dr. doesn't mean you are 'broken' or a 'reject' in humanity. It means that there are some things in your mind that don't work the same way it doesn't for others. A person born blind or mute is still a person but they need to find alternative ways to do the same things that seeing or speaking people do. You mind needs another way to help it function without depression and the medicines they give are made to simulate the ones most peoples bodies create naturally so you can be just as joyful and stress free as they are.
So I am voting for you going to see a Dr. dear, and perhaps if this young man really cares about you, he'd want to go with you, unless the DR. prefers you come alone. So look at it this way, he asked you to 'live for him' and in essence, going to see a Dr. for treatment so you can be able to handle life without depression is you living for him.
Here's the dangers dear and believe me, I understand this one fully. you said: I love you enough that I'll let you go if there's something that you want that couldn't involve me. I've never been like that about any guy before." The danger is you understand and want to do this with your conscious mind if it comes up but you have no idea what its really like. I was dating before I met my 2nd husband. Found a wonderful guy. We fell in love. Then his ex wanted him back and he decided since he had more history with her and grown kids with her, that he was willing to go back and work on their relationship again. I didn't fight for him, I was willing to let him go but I as a person who doesnt battle depression every day of my life, found myself devastated and I fell into depression, couldn't eat, couldn't sleep, every thing I saw or heard throughout my day reminded me of him, My heart was pounding all day for the first four days, it felt like adreline faucet got stuck open and I have adreneline running thru me 24 hr a days. I finally decided I had to attempt to get a grip of myself and if I failed, go see a doctor. Being someone who usually didn't suffer depression I was able to beat it myself. You don't have that dear. Being already depressed, if you let him go if he wanted to in the future you wouldn't be able to handle the added depression that will normally come in such a situation and that will be enough for you to kill yourself. Or just think, anytime some girl comes along and flirts, you'll immediately feel inferior because of your depression, especially if they don't have it, and in making the comparisons mentally, you could so easily decide to end your life.
It would be such a loss, not just for all your loved ones but especially Jake. If you really love Jake, then you need to learn to love yourself first. The reason I say that is I had to learn the same in a bad 1st marriage. I had to learn to love myself. Don't know if you're religious or not but I must use one Bible verse paraphrased that talks about loving GOD, and loving your neighbor as yourself. I used to attend church. I know everyone focused on the love thy neighbor, meaning everyone else in your world including your sweetheart. But we overlooked the words "AS YOURSELF". It finally hit me that I can't love my neighbor to the best of my ability if I don't know how to love myself first. the way this works in imagining you as a garden hose. And love for yourself flowing is the water that flows. If there is a kink in the hose, what happens to the water? It is unable to flow from the hose to where you mean it to go, such as the kink in yourself that prevents you from fully loving Jake as he needs to be loved. I knew a woman like this. She loved her husband but when it came down to it, both he and she told me they felt there was alot held back as far as love because she had built up walls to protect her heart after an abusive childhood. these emotion wall also prevent the full amount of love going out for him to experience And so I wasn't surprised when she didn't want to go for counseling/professional help, and some time later, he divorced her due to not feeling fully loved because it was held back. I know this is more than you wanted to hear according to your initial question dear but with what you did write, I could not let it go unsaid. I hope this makes sense to you. If my advice here brings up more questions for you, feel free to go to my column and write me from there. I wish you the best. God Bless.
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You been hit, girl. (AKA, that is love)
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