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Why do people have one night stands and to get over it?
21/f, 28/m
I'm having a lot of mixed feelings right now. I know I have to separate one situation from another. But I need help gaining some perspective on why do people have one night stands. I never really followed the crowd, I don't really understand the whole "one night stand" situations.
In my opinion (I hope it doesn't offend anyone), I feel like those who do one night stands lack self-respect and has low self-esteem. I may be wrong.
The reason why I ask is because the guy I'm dating, I have asked him, twice, how many people has he slept with the past two years and when was the last time he's gotten tested (I obviously wasn't asking for fun, I asked to be safe). He told me, both times, that he only slept with me and his ex-girlfriend. And the last time he got tested was two years ago (when he was dating his ex-girlfriend). I decided to get myself tested and I asked him the same question again... He said he slept with FOUR OTHERS.
I got confused and it turns out that he lied to me. He had a few one-night stands with three other girls after his ex-girlfriend. And one was after we first started dating (going on dates, getting to know each other, etc.) I was very surprised when I heard that. I don't know what to think or what to say to him. I feel betrayed, sad, and angry with the situation.
He explained to me that he wasn't looking for one-night stands during that time but they just happened to "fall into his lap." He went on dates with these girls, they realized that they weren't right for each other but had a mutual physical attraction, they slept together, and then that was it.
I still don't understand why people have one-night stands. I don't know how to get over this situation. Help?
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I have never had nor have I ever wanted a one night stand. I have always felt sex was too intimate for a one night stand. I know a strange feeling for a guy especially one who came of age during the sexual revolution.
From what I understand more so for women than men but both are guilty of this. The one night stand satisfies a need without the baggage that comes along with a relationship. Career minded men and women though all have one thing in common; they have sexual needs. They get horny and need to relieve the sexual tension with in them. The one night stand does this for them.
Now a guy can and some do will do this with a prostitute or a paid escort. Career minded women on the other hand need to be more discrete, the old double standard. Guys do this there dogs, women there sluts. The pick-up bars are the answer to the men who can't afford the Escorts and won't use a prostitute. For the women the bars offer a degree of discretion that a male Escort or prostitute does not.
Of course there is the exception to this rule for there are men and women looking for a long term partner. Until they find that partner they do not have a problem using a pick-up bar to satisfy their sexual needs either.
According to a recent survey on Masturbation 15% of the population refuse to masturbate. If this is true then I would say there is more than sufficient number of people to populate the pick-up bars for one night stands to satisfy one's sexual needs only.
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Hi. There's nothing intrinsically 'wrong' with casual (aka 'no strings') relationships providing both parties are ok with it. If that's what they both want then both have their expectations met and satisfied. If either party is hoping for 'more' and the other is not then there is an inevitable conflict of expectations and it will end unpleasantly. Even if the 'casual party' feigns committment and goes along with a relationship for a while it is unlikely to truly last...as it was never what he or she actually wanted. Persistent one night stands and/or choosing self-destructive relationships over a long period is often a sign of low self-esteem, you're right. It may also denote a deep fear of committment. The promiscuous behaviour becomes a coping mechanism, and like other coping mechanisms it is compulsive, and habit-forming. Looking back on a string of one-night stands is very likely to erode self-esteem (particularly in a woman, where promiscuous behaviour is generally regarded as less acceptable than it is in males, but we won't open that can of worms right now!) and the issue feeds on itself in a closed mental/behavioural loop. So my reply is not totally conclusive either way. It is neither right or wrong, it may betray a negative self-image and low self-esteem...or it may be a relatively short-lived (in terms of your lifespan) epsisode which does not denote anything of the kind. Brief flings after the failure of a long-term relationship are not uncommon. The rejected partner may well feel the need of a 'fix'. A very obvious proof that he or she is desirable/attractive. I've read your question closely and there are some deeply held views and strong rhetoric floating about. I would dare to venture that ultra-casual, uncommitted relationships are very unlikely to ever give YOU much short or long-term pleasure or satisfaction and the best idea would be to 'stick to your guns' as one might say and give them a miss. If you did indulge in one I feel you might find it emotionally very self-destructive and hard to live with afterwards. Any help?? X
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Alright well first of all, it's not a good sign that, (1, your boyfriend would lie to you about that, or lie in general. And (2, that he did that while you were dating. But as for the one night stands, some people do it to "lesson the pain," because everyone usually has a method of doing so for them, and for some people, that's sex. It's usually an emotional thing, where they are lost, or have a bad past, messed up family, mental problems, etc. even if they deny it. Some people can actually be addicted to that in severe cases. I would be cautious if I were you and make sure he's still not doing that stuff. Hope this helped!
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