Website:
LindascounselE-mail:
Lindascounsel@yahoo.comGender:
FemaleLocation:
North CarolinaMember Since:
March 14, 2005Answers:
94Last Update:
March 6, 2012Visitors:
13787Favorite Columnists
singlemom
Main Categories:
Love Life
Mental health
Friendship
View All
about
Hi! I'm Linda. I would love to try to help you with advice about love and life. I can also try to help with Health: Mental issues in particular. However, you can ask me anything. I believe in the value of honesty and I will do my best to be ethical, fair and genuine. xoxoxoxo
advice
How come everyone thinks im mean? all i do is tell the truth. I gues they just cant handle the truth. Do you guys appreciate it when people tell you the truth or stupid lies? I would rather know the truth not stupid lies people tell me to feel better gosh.
Whats your opinion
Ya_gots_to_luv_me :)
Dear Schoolandthepeople,
If you think people think that you are mean, it may be the tone in which you're saying it. Telling the truth and being mean are two completely different things. I appreciate the truth myself, and if someone is saying something in order to help me, I will certainly take it into consideration. However, if the tone and the words are condescending, rude or they sound mean, is there any way else to take it? And are you able to give it but not able to take it back? You can tell the truth and be compassionate at the same time. Nobody likes to be put down or thought of as a failure. Nor do people like to think that you are better than them even though you may have a better suggestion than them. If you are getting this a lot, from different people, try making a suggestion using a different tone and also consider how you would feel if someone you liked or respected responded the same way to you. Because, unfortunately, you can't change other people, but you can change the way you relate to other people. Hope it works for you. Good Luck!
Linda
Hello there.
Okay, well firstly I'm very annoyed that I didn't use a comma after my "Hello", but I don't think it looks right, so I'm not putting one in... Secondly, this is what my problem is. I have a hella lot of inner conflicts with myself, and I often speak to myself.
I don't consider speaking to yourself an actual problem, because it's rather normal, just most people deny it as it makes them look "weird", I personally don't care. But I am annoyed at the fact that I argue with myself a hella lot, I get annoyed at the slightest things and I try to purposely contradict myself when I'm bored to make my life seem more amusing and cause problems.
I'm turning my life into a soap opera for the fun of it, and when a real problem does arise, I flip it over, turn it inside out and make it all the more worse.
I *could* figure this one out myself, but I'd probably give myself the wrong solution just so I have another problem that I can make a larger problem out of, then I'll contradict the whole thing by denying ever having *any* problems AT ALL...
Okay, I made this longer and more complicated/confusing than I could've imagined, but again, help would be rather nice. And don't give me a lame ass answer like "seek help from your GP" because I'm not gonna and I want a REAL answer.
Apologies and I appreciate you wasting your time. Merci beaucoup.
Dear Mind,
First of all, talking to yourself is quite normal. The NOT normal thing is thinking that it isn't normal. When people say it makes them look weird, they are probably trying to get your approval, or vice versa. However, I see a few red flags in your letter. It sounds as if you may be a little obsessive/compulsive which makes you doubt a lot of things you do or say. But here's a secret. Lots of people feel insecure about things like that.
I think the main problem I'm seeing in this letter is that you say you're turning your life into a soap opera. It's called boredom. There is enough drama in this world than adding to it. Try to join into some groups, go out with friends and if you can't, please see someone whom you can trust and talk to. You can write to me at anytime if you are feeling conflicted. The best advice I can give to you is not to look for drama because believe me, it comes back to you to bite you in the ass and that will make things much worse. Good luck to you.
Linda
I have been going out with this girl for like 3 or 4 months and we haven't kissed not even like hug but i dont want to bring it up like... you know so can SOMEONE PLEASE HELP i love her and she loves me but im to afraid of asking her or some thing so help!! plz!
Hi! You don't say how old you are, but I'm assuming pretty young. So, what I'm going to tell you is not about kissing, but about confidence. Your girlfriend is probably thinking that there is something wrong with her because you haven't even hugged her, much less kissed her. This is my suggestion. Take her for a walk and when you get somewhere that is fairly private. I wouldn't say one word. And PLEASE, PLEASE, don't ASK her if you can kiss her. She has probably wanting it as much as you. Lean into her and keep an eye out for any negative reactions. Give her a quick kiss on the lips slowly. Then do it again. This will give you some idea whether or not you can continue. Before you kiss her again, just say very quietly (almost in a whisper) and tell her you've been dying to kiss her for a very long time. She may lower her head a little and if she does, (it's just shyness) but she doesn't actually move away from you, place one hand on her face or her hair and kiss her again, longer this time. At this point, she will kiss you back and you'll be on your way to a REAL boyfriend/girlfriend relationship. Then as a final word...tell her she's a great kisser to give her a little confidence. She will probably tell her that you are too and you will be more confident in kissing her the next time.
Good luck!
Linda
Hi Linda, hope i'm not being to much of a pain for you but i really need to vent a little. So things took a turn for the worse with Kevin(that's his name by the way).I had decided to just relax and enjoy things with him and see what happens but we ended up in a serious conversation somehow and it got bad. First of all i want you to know that he is not a bad guy, he's been nothing but honest with me and i respect him for that, trust me, have had my share of asses and Kevin is one of the good guys. But, apparently i'm great as a friend and to sleep with but he isn't looking for anything past that. I found out last night that he isn't over his ex and even though she has moved on, he's not sure he wants to. I feel like a fool thinking he should care about me when he is still not over her. I guess they still talk all the time. He says that he doesn't want a relationship with anybody but if it ever happens he doesn't want me to be hurt. All i hear, is i want a relationship but not with you! I know that it's pretty clear that he's not into me but it's just hard to accept you know? We normally talk every morning and every night, he calls me like 3-4 times a night about anything so i guess i mistook that for something else. He says he cares about me, but i've been kind of avoiding him because i dont want him to know that he did hurt me. He really is a sweet guy with his own set of problems and it would really bother him to know that. I'm so sick and tired of being in a one side relationship of any kind. Now there is wierdness between us and i miss him like crazy, he's still one of my closest friends and as selfish as it sounds, the sex is really amazing as well. I should never have slept with him and let it go this far but i guess i figured he would have started to have the same feelings for me. This all started because he figured i was holding out hope that he was going to change his mind about us in the future and he got mad because he didnt want me wasting my time with him. He said he didn't know if he would change his mind or not and that he just wants to live for right now and what we have right now. Why couldn't i have just left everything alone and enjoyed the moment? Now he feels terrible and i feel terrible and i don't see any good out of any of this. Both of us have said that no matter what we will stay friends and i miss him. Obviously this isn't going to work out relationship wise, im not that naive, relationships especially at the beginning shouldn't be this hard and messy, but im not sure how to get past the little damage that has been done by me. I may be the most impatient person in the world when it comes to not wanting to be alone anymore. LOL! Anyway, thanks for listening Linda and sorry for the book i just wrote you. Believe it or not i have a whole lot more i want to say but i'll save that for another day! Thanks, Luann.
Hi Luann,
I don't think you're a fool and I don't you're being unreasonable. What I do believe, though, is that he is telling you the truth and you are refusing to believe him. The smartest thing is this letter that you wrote to me is that you were trying to avoid him. THAT is the smart thing to do. It is a known fact that when a woman sleeps with a man, the feelings for him get stronger. When it's the other way around, the man feels as if the challenge is gone. See how unfair this is?
I don't want you to blame yourself for this situation, it is his fault as much as it is yours. He knew you had feelings for him and in his own way, he took advantage of it. However, in your own way, you took advantage of him too. Friends (as you keep saying you are great friends) do NOT take advantage of each other and you BOTH did. So, what does that say? It says he wants something from you and you want something from him. Neither one of you are going to give in. One of you, (YOU, I hope) are going to do the right thing. Give up the power...and by doing that, you are gaining the power in this.
When you say you are going to miss him, could you be more specific? Let me take a guess. You are going to miss the flirting, the CHALLENGE, the sex, the faux love, the lust and it can go on and on. He, on the other hand, knows exactly what he wants. He wants thing to stay the way they are minus the pressure. Okay, so this is going to be hard, because it's never easy in this situation. You MUST avoid him. His calls, his visits, his friendship, everything. People don't live in the future, they live in the present because that's all there is. So, if he is giving you hope for the future, it's called stalling. Please don't have any regrets about sleeping with him because there is nothing you can do about it. Just try, no don't try, just DO. I've said it before, and I'll say it again, HOPE + DOUBT = PASSION. He definitely has the hope, but there is no doubt there. He has to feel as if it's possible that he's losing you. And another HUGE thing is he has to get over his previous love. The obvious thing here is that he is not being challenged, you are being too accomodating and he needs to FEEL as if he's losing that before he can even think about things. I know this isn't easy to do but you must help him to do it without letting on that you're doing it. As much as it hurts you, believe me, it must be done. Oh, and as far as having serious conversations with him, it's a power thing you're dealing with. If you must talk to him, keep him away from the serious and stay with the superficial. Also, it would help if you will find other people to talk to. If he calls you, be unavailable about 4 out of 5 times. Give him a chance to chase you AND don't give in to him until you are absolutely certain that he will respect you. This does not mean through words, this means through actions. Please write me again if you need me. Good luck in your new project.
Linda
One of my ex's moved back and he is trying to pry me away from my boyfriend. He is also always teasing me for the worst things and he won't stop. I can't stand him!!! He is awful. So how am I suppose to deal with this jerk?? Please help!!
Dear Oldlove,
First of all, this 'jerk' can't make you feel bad without your permission. You are buying into this whole thing for some reason. If you truly can't stand him and really think he is awful, you would do everything in your power to stay away from him. So, what's going on?
Personally, I would tell him in a very straightforward manner, (not in a mean way) that he is not in your life anymore and you won't tolerate his behavior. And you have to do it with almost no emotion so he really feels like you mean it. The fact that he keeps doing and saying things to you means that he thinks he is getting to you. It's up to you to shut it down.
Good luck!
Linda
I'd appreciate some direct ways to say something to my bf of over a year.
we'd been talking and he needed a float loan of $800 for a few days to help with a mortgage approval. that is ok. but when he called about it, i mentioned the fact that one of my friends saw his updated ad on match.com, that it hurt my feelings, he knows it hurts my feelings, i care about him a great deal, and i thought we were over and done with that BS months ago. His reply was... can we talk later? can I call you later? I said 'are you gonna call me later?' and he said yes. I said ok and we hung up. I know his style and he'll probably test the waters in a few days and then never mention it again.
Guys... just help me say no more, clearly in a way that he doesn't just shut down. Thanks.
ps... me f/39 and him m/35
Dear Nowwhat,
Hi. I'm glad you asked! You want to know how to say no without shutting him down?? It sounds as if he needs to be shut down. No matter how you say it, the way you describe him and his actions in your question, he is going to make it out to be your fault. I can already hear the guilt in your voice in just your letter. I can only imagine what you've been through already with this guy. First of all, he's 35 years old. How long have you been his girlfriend? Because I guarantee you, without you in the picture, he would get his mortgage paid somehow. With you in the picture, he will still get his mortgage paid, with or without you. It's NOT your responsibility. If he doesn't get it paid, it will be a costly lesson for him, he could lose his house, and again, not your fault. So first piece of advice. Don't give him the money. Please don't. Because he's looking elsewhere. And even if you DON'T catch him, which you've already done, he will continue to look. If he's cheated on you already one time, that respect is gone. And I'm not talking about your respect for him. I'm talking about HIS respect for YOU. It's gone. Because once you cheat on someone, it's very hard to give your all to that person anymore. The only way to do that is to get the respect back. And that means, shutting him down. You are 39 years old and playing a very old, dangerous game. You are both wanting the power in the relationship. He, with other women and you, with money. Trust me, if it continues, the relationship won't last long. I don't want you to feel like I'm coming down on you, I only want you to see it from someone else's perspective. Please let me know how it goes.
Linda.
my girl friends best mate says she really fanceys me and keeps asking me out wat do i do
Hi there!
Say no. And I'll tell you why. She is testing you. She is also jealous of her best friend. When you say no to her, she will respect you for it and probably like you even more, but that's not why you should say it. It's not the right thing to do and if you were to say yes, please keep in mind that you are not only breaking up with your girlfriend, you are also breaking up the friendship with her friend. Another consideration is that if she is willing to do this to her BEST friend, what will she do to you when she tires of you? If she won't let up, tell her that you will tell your girlfriend what's up. That should put a stop to it. I know it's good for the ego to think that you are attractive to someone else, but you don't need to act on it. You will be much better off and feel better about yourself in the long run if you say no.
Good luck!
Linda
ok wow here goes the problem.. me and my boyfriend have only been going out for like 2 weeks but for some reaon i really like him and idk he gets mad really easy and like if he says something and i yell at him back he will be like o shut up and hang up on me or something and if i dont then he be like see how i got my bitch whipped..
i mean idk what to do my bestfriend went out with his best friend and they broke up.. and now im scared because he thinks that imma do what she did to him and try to get with someone else and we might not se each other that much any more..
but is this bad i mean is this leading to a bad relationship and how can i get him to beleive that i wont do that to him?
help me
shaiina
Dear Helpme,
I'm so glad you're asking about this so early, because you ARE aware that there are some red flags popping up. You've been going out for about two weeks and you can already see signs. It doesn't get any better I promise. And getting out of a bad relationship is infinitely easier than getting into one. So, here goes. I am going to list your red flags and then I will suggest some things to do about them.
1. He gets mad easily.
2. For some reason, (in your own words) you really like him.
3. He tells you to shut up.
4. He hangs up on you.
5. He tells you that he's got his bitch whipped.
6. You are doubting your every move with him. (Because your best friend went out with his best friend and that is your problem how?)
7. You are already thinking this is leading to a bad relationship.
8. You want to "get him" to believe you.
9. He is reciting all of your ex-boyfriend's names.
10. You are buying into all of it.
I want you to think about this really, really hard. Okay? First of all, any guy who is telling you to shut up, calling you names and hanging up on you, does NOT love you. He may think he does, but it doesn't sound like he respects himself and he's very insecure. If he doesn't have the respect and security and trust in himself, he doesn't have it to give to you. He is in the RED. This means that not only is he not ready to accept you, to love you, he is not even ready to help himself yet.
Second, you cannot MAKE him trust you. Trust is something that one gives out of their heart. He doesn't have it, so he can't yet give it.
Third, reciting the ex-boyfriend thing is beyond unacceptable. What's in your past is in your past and it it not his business whatsoever. NONE. You are saying that basically you are in love with him and he's in love with you. I know that you think you are in love with him. But I think that there's a lot of insecurity on your part also to be getting into something that will not make you feel good, it won't benefit you in any way AND it could be dangerous. Please think about getting out while you still can. It hasn't been long, so please take advantage of this and let him know that there are things you have to think about, you don't want to hurt him but you don't want to hurt yourself either. Please let me know how it goes.
Good luck!
Linda
Dear Linda,
My bf said he likes me still but he gets all hyper when hes near this other girl!How can i tell if he still likes me?
Hi!
Okay, you said he has already told you that he still likes you, however, he is acting strangely around another girl. I don't think there is a question of whether or not he still likes you. The question might be whether or not he likes someone else....also.
This may be the dilemma. Your boyfriend probably does like you very much still, however, he may be having some feelings for this other girl. Here is what NOT to do. Do NOT get upset about this in front of him. You do not want to appear as if you are the slightest bit concerned with this. Because if you do, he will think about it more and you will be pushing him towards her and away from you. What you need to do is acknowledge to yourself that this is perfectly normal. We will all be attracted to many different people in our lifetimes. And more often than not, we don't act on those attractions, we simply acknowledge it and move on. Please let your boyfriend do this. I am sure you are attracted to other people besides your boyfriend occasionally, but you don't act on it because you love him. Do not be hard on him for acting differently with this girl, however, you may want to keep the two separated. Good luck!
Linda
How do you make a ring out of a dollar bill or something? I tried searching on google but I couldn't find the steps.
Dear dollarbill,
The exact steps are on this website, complete with pictures: http://phantomstudent.com/dollarrings.html
have fun!
Linda
Dear Linda, I wrote to you about the great man I met and I loved, loved,loved your advice. I absolutely agree with you except for one little problem. I seem to be a little insecure. When i'm around people i exude confidence, when i'm alone I think I do way to much thinking. For some reason I need answers right now and I dont know what i'm in such a rush for. We still hang out together and have a lot of fun and he acts very interested in me whether it's friendship or more. I'm worried I may start pressuring him again without even realizing I do it. I guess my question is, do you have any advice on how to just relax and let things run it's course without driving myself crazy in the process? Luann
Hi Luann,
Thank you for your compliment. I appreciate it!
About your question, you already have half of your problem solved. You say when you're around other people, you exude confidence. That is the first step to becoming more secure with yourself. First it's the thoughts, then it's the feelings and then it's the acting on those feelings. This is how most everybody 'shows' their personalities. The last part of it is believing it. (That's why people say to dress for success or fake it til you make it.) When you are around people that you feel comfortable with, you just naturally show your confidence because that it what you are feeling. The next thing you have to do is work on believing it. And trust me, you've already gotten the hard part down! The easy part is believing it.
Okay, back to this new relationship you have. You are doing just great and he's acting as if he's very interested in you without you having to pressure him. I think your problem is patience, not confidence. I totally understand the whole 'thinking when you're alone' thing. I do it too. But I find what helps me most is when I consciously take my mind off of myself and put it on something else. Doing a whole lot of dwelling on our feelings will normally work through the major issues, but when there is nothing big to work through, we tend to get petty with ourselves. And critical. About relaxing and letting things run its course is about patience. With yourself and with him. When you begin to have physical manifestations of what you're thinking (feelings), you need to turn them away from yourself. It especially helps to do something physical. Something that requires you to be doing something. This may sound silly to you, but I give myself facials and do a whole skin care routine. This helps me because I'm still focusing on myself, but I'm doing something, and it's funny because whenever I am the most insecure with myself, my skin looks great! I am not suggesting you do that, but maybe something that makes you feel good physically. Yoga, breathing exercises, writing letters to your family, going shopping, etc. Whatever you do, in the beginning of this relationship, when you are feeling the most insecure with or about him, deal with it on your own. Don't call him or if you are with him, try to do more listening than talking or cut the visit short. Good luck Luann and let me know how it's going.
Linda
ok, my bf gets boners when im with him, i know this because hes told me ,i was just wondering if there is anything i could do? Also is there anything i could do with my bf that's cute, but not sex?
duplicate question
Ok... I was in a porno Video cause i needed money to go to a school trip in France..! But now All of the guys at my school .. Are porno freaks.!! and all they want is sex from me..! i dont want to give sex to them cause i only did that 1 time to get money for a trip and all the girls think im a slutty ass bitch.. and im not i was always the nice girl and now after one mistake i am called a slut! All the guys try to talk me into sex but i dont want to.. when i go on a date i always get forced to hhave sex. its really annoying and bad.. I hate it and i dont even think i want to go on this trip. after all thats happening.. One of my friends told me that She over heard her boyfriend and his friend saying that this kid that goes to our school may rape me.. Im scared and i dont want to start more drama .. Not only that but the tape was sold on the internet. Im doomed for life. What do i do to repair my reputaion and stay away from getting raped..
any advice is apperciated..
Ps- IM NOT A SLUT!
Hi there. Wow. You are really going through a rough time. Okay, about this mistake, you didn't make a mistake, you made a choice. You chose to do this film in order to have the option to go to France. It turned OUT to be a big mistake. So, in order to repair your reputation, and it CAN be done, is to make better choices for your future. You need to think about your decisions before you make them, and think about the consequences also. It is NOT the end of the world. It seems like it now, but trust me, lots of people do all sorts of things and the only difference between you and them is that YOU got caught. So, please don't buy into all the horrible things that people may say about you. You are guilty of bad judgement.
Okay, next about the being forced to have sex. It is not only "annoying and bad", it's illegal. It's called rape. What you need to do is call a rape crisis center immediately. They can suggest other avenues for you to take regarding this issue. Also, if you are going out, please go out with other friends that you can trust with your life. Stay in groups of people or somewhere there are adults around. You need to confide in someone also. Someone who can help to protect you. That is why there are guidance counselors. Go to one or to your parents. It will be difficult but you need to talk this out with people who have experience. Please do not wait. Like I said before, this is not the end of the world, but you will have to work at it. Right now, it's a big deal but believe me, in another month or two, someone else will do something that will take the spotlight off of you. Please let me know how it works out.
Linda
ok, my bf gets boners when im with him, i know this because hes told me ,i was just wondering if there is anything i could do? Also is there anything i could do with my bf that's cute, but not sex?
Dear Confused,
There are lots of things you can do with your boyfriend that doesn't involve sex. The main thing I would suggest is be around other people as much as you can. It doesn't have to be done in an obvious way. It is very difficult to say no to someone when you really like them and you are both affectionate with each other. The problem is that when you start fooling around when you're alone, things just naturally get more heated and it will get harder and harder to say no to what you don't want to do. But, back to your question. You can make him feel good by massaging his neck or his back and have him do the same to you. You can kiss him and hug him and TALK to him. I would tell him that you feel uncomfortable with sex right now and you hope he will respect that and have patience with you. Good luck sweetie and let me know how it goes.
Linda
Ive met this great man and we get along in all aspects, but from the start he has said hes not sure about a relationship because of his past. Hes been so hurt and has built this huge wall around him. I have made it clear from the beginning that i do want a relationship. Who doesnt want to be loved as long as its with the right person? He has just recently figured out that i have started having feelings for him and it scares him. Now im scared of how honest to be with him about it because i dont want to lose him from my life, hes also a great friend. On the other hand i wish there was something i could do to get him to see how great we would be in a relationship. Help me, ive been seriously hurt in the past as well and i dont like this feeling i have in my stomach. What should i do? I am 33 years old and hes 36 and we both have children from previous relationships.
Dear Ineed,
The one thing I have learned in this life is that when guys say they are scared, they are scared. When they say that they're assholes, they turn out to be assholes. When they say they need some space, they need the space, unfortunately, without you in it. You sound like a lovely girl who is kind, caring and nurturing.
You know that feeling you have in your stomach? It's a signal. It's a cue. It's a signal that something isn't right and it is manifesting itself physically. This is only the beginning. The beginning is the honeymoon phase and you are already feeling physical symptoms. It doesn't get any better. Okay, well occasionally you will be with him and get the feeling that it doesn't get any better than this. And it's exciting! You feel good, you feel that all is right with the world, you're HAPPY! That lasts about 30 seconds and then you start to doubt his motives. We women tend to crave those 30 seconds of euphoria and discount all the other behaviors. If it happens once or twice or even three times, we think it can happen again, maybe this time even longer.
You've been hurt in previous relationships and it could be a pattern that you're getting into. We can only work with what we know, and you have to teach others how to treat you. This means learning how you really, deep down, WANT to be treated.
I think you need to back up a bit. Just a little. You need and want a little more from him than he is willing or able to give. You say that you're good friends. That's great! It's the perfect place to start. Back it up to friends. I would start by releasing all the expectations that you have of him. Or that you want from him. Take his cue. Go slowly and watch for the signs that he is giving you. To do this, I would start with the phone. When you are talking on the phone, be very friendly, kind, do a lot of listening and not a lot of talking. Keep it short and YOU end the phone call. This works best when you are in the middle of a GREAT conversation. I know that sounds strange, but it works. Trust me. It will leave him wanting more. When you are together, same thing, different circumstances. Be a friend to him, not a lot of talking, perhaps ask him questions to get him talking about anything he wants to. Cut it short and end the visit first. Say you have other things that need your attention that you simply must attend to. Again, it will leave him wanting more AND it will put a little doubt in his mind.
HOPE + DOUBT = PASSION. You have to let him know that he is important to you, you will be there for him and that you have feelings for him. However, you MUST counter this with some doubt. This may be called mixed signals, but mixed signals is what a man thrives on. It's a challenge to him. It won't happen overnight, but it WILL happen if that's what you want. Think of it as a project you're working on. You are going to get what you put into it. I suspect this is the same reason why you are falling for him...because he is giving you the hope/doubt equation without even realizing it. But you can take that power back. This will work if it's done correctly. Please tell me how it works out for you.
Good luck!
Linda
wow thank you so mucH! your advice really helped and you give the best advice!!
Your so welcome! Thank you for your compliment, it means a lot to me.
Linda
yesterday, after school, was the beginning of my spring break and when i came home, i decided to play around because it was the first day of spring break and i was happy! so when my mom got home and saw me talking on the phone, chatting, and listening to my ipod, she got all mad, screaming why i wasn't doing my project! well i have 2 really important history projects to do over spring break, but the thing is both of them are due like 5 weeks after spring break! she forced me to work on it all night and i was workng and working and she kept on screaming and screamign! i wanted so badly to tell her to SHUT THE HELL UP I'M WORKING!!! but she has a bad temper and i do too (i inherited it from her) and i don't want to start one of our horrible fights. so i kept calm and did my work. so after like 2 hours i decided to take a break and play minesweeper, and then my mom came in and totally freaked out, saying i was wasting my time! i told her i was just taking a break and she won't believe me!!! she started screaming about how i just wasted her entire night because the lazy, worthless child i am (she didn't exactly say that but she was SO thinking that!). then my grandma came and asked if she should wake me up again (because once she didn't and i woke up at 12 and i got mad, long story) and then i was like sure. my grandma said "ok how about i wake you up at 10:30?" and i was going to say NO WAY and then my mom cried "10:30!? she should be woken up at 8:30!!" I CAN'T STAND MY MOM!! HOW CAN I STOP HER!! SHE'S FORCING ME TO FINISH THE ROUGH DRAFT OF BOTH MY PROJECTS TODAY AND DOES SHE KNOW HOW MUCH WORK AND TIME THAT IS GOING TO TAKE!? AND SHE'S ALWAYS SAYING THAT WHEN SHE WAS A CHILD, HER MOTHER WOULDN'T HAVE TO DO THIS TO HER BECAUSE SHE WAS THE PERFECT STUDENT AND DID ALL HER WORK!! AND YES I BELIEVE HER BECAUSE SHE ENDED UP GOING TO MIT AND BECAME A DOCTOR AND ALL. BUT PLEASE HOW CAN I CONTROL HER! SHE'S OVERWELMING ME! JUST BECAUSE SHE COULD STAND TO DO ALL THIS WORK WHEN SHE WAS MY AGE, DOESN'T MEAN I CAN!!! HELP ME PLEASE THIS IS SERIOUSLY AN EMERGENCY!!!!!!!!!!!!
Dear Mymom,
I can completely sympathize with you. You feel that she is being irrational and in some ways, judging from your letter, she is. If the projects are due 5 weeks after Spring break, you definitely have some time there for a little play too. The second half of your letter, however, places the reactions of your mom in more perspective. If your mom went to MIT and is currently a doctor, she is used to hard work. She thinks about work and it makes her feel good. She seemed as if she was a very motivated child and she has the degree to prove it. But you are not your mother. She is expecting a lot more from you than you are willing or able to give. Not only is she overwhelming you now, she is also putting limits on being a teen. Because what that means to both of you are two entirely different things. What you have to do, and I'm not saying this will be easy, is to come to some sort of a compromise. And that means you must talk to her. Before you do that, here is another project for you. (fun, huh?) You need to sit down and write out a schedule. Yes. A schedule. Something that YOU can live with and something that SHE will be amenable to. Perhaps you can say that for one hour per day, you will do your chores. And put a definitive time on that. Say from 11:30 - 12:30. You will then have lunch. After lunch, you get your own time from 1:00 - 4:00. At 4:00, you will work on your projects for an hour and a half. Then dinner. After dinner, and helping with dinner, cleaning up and putting the dishes away, the time is spent however you want it to be.
After you have made your schedule, present it to your mom in a VERY mature, sincere way. You want to come across as sensitive to her wishes too. You want to look as if you are mature, on your way to becoming a responsible adult. AND you want her to be proud of you. ACT as if you WANT her to be proud of you. She seems like a very structured person and wants to have some control over things so she knows what's going on. Your mom only wants the best for you, and the best FROM you. (And when you are sticking to your schedule, do just that, STICK to it, don't take breaks in the middle of what is supposed to be your project time...) I have a feeling when your mother realizes what a great daughter she has, she will be a little more flexible with you, but you have to do your part as well. Please let me know how it goes.
Good luck!
Linda
That's just it I have asked her a few times. We both found guys (our husbands) at the same time basically. She was married before to a guy right out of Highschool. She moved away for like 2 years came back pregnant and getting abused by her husband. We started hanging around each other, she moved back home filed for a divorce. Thats when I found out her son may or may not have been her husbands it was a messy situation.Her son was not his.So after awhile we both dated. She decided to try and get together with her sons father, I was with my new guy. Her man moved here all was good. She got engaged, I got engaged like a year later, She married, I married. But during my engagement she wasn't a real team player. I had a big wedding, with a bridal party of 18 hers was just me, I threw her a shower, we had a bachlorette night out I paid, she wasn't able to make it to mine. When we went to look for dresses half the time she couldn't make it, but I was cool but, thats when I noticed the distance starting. I call her to catch her up he's (her husband) always interupting. So she said I'll call you, she didn't even stay the night in the hotel with all of us the night before and I just told my party that she just got married.There's alot of info and maximum space here. She did come to my wedding was the first to leave to.I didn't hold a grudge. Months go by.. She got a house called to tell me that. I was excited for her I said I can't wait to come see it.She never has asked. I called her a few times it was never a good time also she never invited.Eventually a year passed I always sent cards, e-mailed. She never responded nor did her son. She calls me this past summer, Suprized I got a house, and that line "Oh your number changed why didn't you tell me " My cell phone has never changed and she knows that. So I told her I missed her and her son she said she was gonna be in the area and came to my daughters swimmeet. She looked great lost a bunch of weight, I LISTENED to her, I didn't interupt her.I'm the type that forgets everything the second I'm happy again. I choose to ask why she and I have not kept in touch, she said oh it's not my husband, I'm just busy.With School/band (she's a teacher) Then tells me af a student thats on my daughters team whom she dislikes. Is that why she came there? To show the student she lost weight cuz she called her fat? I don't know. That was august 04' and I havn't heard from her until my mother died in October, I called her I need her. My mom had cancer and died horribly slow and painful death. She came to the wake but wanted to see if her husband wanted to come to the dinner afterwards.?? I was crushed.Needless to say she never showed.I don't know what i did? The only thing I can think of is back when they were still engaged her husband lied and said he has to go out of town for work and she found out he was with an ex-girlfriend. I actually left my job on the spot to be with her, I was up all night with her.I told her whatever she decided It wouldn't change her and I . They still married I still was in it and nobody but Her and me and him and her knew. thats it.It was dropped. But so was I . I really am to old and so depressed after lossing my mom and my job of 6yrs in the same week,and I have had this on my shoulders as well.And it eats at me everyday. I just want to know what I did and she says nothing. And everyone else says one day she will need you to be there for her, but I needed her and she hasn't been there for me. Please help me. Sheould I write her? Banish her I need closure.
Dear Friend,
First of all, I'm so sorry about the loss of your mom. It happened somewhat recently and I am sure you are still dealing with that.
You have been a WONDERFUL friend. More than anyone could ever ask for. You seem very kind and caring. You listen, you are there for her in her times of need, you make an effort and you work at your relationships. You are the kind of person that anybody would be LUCKY to have. On the other hand, your friend seems very self-involved. More so than the average person. She thinks about what is best for her, she puts herself first in almost every situation.
I'm very glad you wrote back to give more of the details and happy to say that my initial reaction was completely way off. It's not that the relationship is not working out for her. It's exactly what she wants, it is working out EXACTLY like she wants it. It's YOU, that the friendship is not working for. Between you and me, I am 36 years old and I have three friends of my own that I've known and loved since my mid-teens. Yes, we have been through some rocky patches over the years but we seem to work through them somehow. However, these friends and I have all made a commitment that, no matter what, we will continue to support each other and love each other for the rest of our lives. I won't kid you, sometimes it is VERY difficult. Everybody goes through their phases and has new issues come up in life, that, since they are new, they are worked through in the only way that we know how to. We can only use the information that we have on hand at the time. And sometimes the emotional supply is empty and close to it and that, unfortunately, is what we use to work through it. This friend of yours seems to have a pretty full emotional supply, however, she is using it all on herself. She has been taking horrible advantage of you because of the person and the friend that you are. This is a reflection on HER, NOT you. Please don't blame yourself. Sometimes people come into your life to teach you something, to help you to grow. When that purpose is served, the relationship starts to die. The great news about this, is friendships can revive, they can survive just about anything. It's really just a matter of perspective, how we are feeling about it at the time.
I don't believe you will get closure on this relationship unless you do the closing. Please try to draw back a little. Don't feel it is a reflection on you because it absolutely is not. You seem like the type of person who makes a commitment and you stick it out through the end. You handle your responsibilities also, as if they were commitments. And that is so admirable. We should ALL be like that. You have gone above and beyond the call of duty. As I said previously, please back it up a little with her. Take your mind off of her. You are still going through your own emotional stuff and she is nowhere to be found. I wouldn't write her off completely, but you do need to learn how to teach her to treat you. The next time SHE calls YOU, (because you shouldn't be making the first move anymore) you probably need to be neutral. Think of yourself as an actress when it comes to her. Act as if there are no emotions involving her and it will come across to her like that. A phone call from her will not put things right. She needs to make some effort to show you that the friendship is important to her as well. One last thing, she may not have it in her to be as good of a friend as you are to her, but if you feel that she is being as sincere as SHE can be, then you may be able to feel as if you can trust her a little more. At this point, she has done nothing to keep your trust. I wish you good luck with this and if you ever need to vent or talk, please write to me. You deserve to have people treat you in a manner in which you feel appreciated and loved.
Linda
Hey there Lind...
I was wondering, do you know of anyway to naturaly enhance the length/girth of your penis? I feel so small compared to the guys at the gym with my 6 inch erection at max... are there exercises or something like that I could do without buying something or using damned pills? This is starting to wreak havoc on my daily life with friends, and I worry constantly over it.... so anything would help.
Dear EJ,
You're worried about a 6 inch erection?! Hmmmmm.
I would say that that's a pretty good average. I don't know of anything that would enhance it without pills. And, why in the world are you constantly worrying over it? I don't believe that's a problem at all. You are probably naturally bigger than most of your friends AND the people at your gym. Believe it or not, statistically, 4-5 inches erect is average. I swear! Look it up!
Feel better now?
Linda
What do you do when a bestfriend of 20+ years just stops hanging,calling, talking to you without reason (I've asked )to you? I'm a female 34yrs, same as her.
Dear Bestfriends,
Twenty years is a long time. It seems odd that a long-time friend like that would just "suddenly" stop calling or talking to you. You say that you've asked, but you don't say how she responded. People tend to give up on things that aren't working for them. Do you think there are reasons why this friendship isn't working for her? You don't give much detail so one can only guess about the reasons. Can you tell me more?
Linda