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now what?
I'd appreciate some direct ways to say something to my bf of over a year.
we'd been talking and he needed a float loan of $800 for a few days to help with a mortgage approval. that is ok. but when he called about it, i mentioned the fact that one of my friends saw his updated ad on match.com, that it hurt my feelings, he knows it hurts my feelings, i care about him a great deal, and i thought we were over and done with that BS months ago. His reply was... can we talk later? can I call you later? I said 'are you gonna call me later?' and he said yes. I said ok and we hung up. I know his style and he'll probably test the waters in a few days and then never mention it again.
Guys... just help me say no more, clearly in a way that he doesn't just shut down. Thanks.
ps... me f/39 and him m/35
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He's a big boy acting like a kid. If he has financial problems and he's wishy washy with your relationship, that's just too bad. He'll test the waters? Time to say bye-bye.
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Dear Nowwhat,
Hi. I'm glad you asked! You want to know how to say no without shutting him down?? It sounds as if he needs to be shut down. No matter how you say it, the way you describe him and his actions in your question, he is going to make it out to be your fault. I can already hear the guilt in your voice in just your letter. I can only imagine what you've been through already with this guy. First of all, he's 35 years old. How long have you been his girlfriend? Because I guarantee you, without you in the picture, he would get his mortgage paid somehow. With you in the picture, he will still get his mortgage paid, with or without you. It's NOT your responsibility. If he doesn't get it paid, it will be a costly lesson for him, he could lose his house, and again, not your fault. So first piece of advice. Don't give him the money. Please don't. Because he's looking elsewhere. And even if you DON'T catch him, which you've already done, he will continue to look. If he's cheated on you already one time, that respect is gone. And I'm not talking about your respect for him. I'm talking about HIS respect for YOU. It's gone. Because once you cheat on someone, it's very hard to give your all to that person anymore. The only way to do that is to get the respect back. And that means, shutting him down. You are 39 years old and playing a very old, dangerous game. You are both wanting the power in the relationship. He, with other women and you, with money. Trust me, if it continues, the relationship won't last long. I don't want you to feel like I'm coming down on you, I only want you to see it from someone else's perspective. Please let me know how it goes.
Linda.
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I went through this with the guy I love ... I would just confront him about it ... at least it worked for me, I had to break up with him but if you still want to talk to him let him know your always there for him if he needs to talk ... that way he wont shut down and think the world is over ...Just be as best a friend as you can be even if it hurts at least he wont break down and do anything stupid, thats what I did with my guy and we still talk everyday on the phone and online and everything although it is a bit weird at times ... you'll get through it .. good luck and remember you deserve better
- Malicious
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if you forgive him hes just going to put you through all of this BS again. tell him that if he cant talk about whats up with him then you cant keep a relationship with him. hope i helped!~allie
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