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You asked me for more detail....
That's just it I have asked her a few times. We both found guys (our husbands) at the same time basically. She was married before to a guy right out of Highschool. She moved away for like 2 years came back pregnant and getting abused by her husband. We started hanging around each other, she moved back home filed for a divorce. Thats when I found out her son may or may not have been her husbands it was a messy situation.Her son was not his.So after awhile we both dated. She decided to try and get together with her sons father, I was with my new guy. Her man moved here all was good. She got engaged, I got engaged like a year later, She married, I married. But during my engagement she wasn't a real team player. I had a big wedding, with a bridal party of 18 hers was just me, I threw her a shower, we had a bachlorette night out I paid, she wasn't able to make it to mine. When we went to look for dresses half the time she couldn't make it, but I was cool but, thats when I noticed the distance starting. I call her to catch her up he's (her husband) always interupting. So she said I'll call you, she didn't even stay the night in the hotel with all of us the night before and I just told my party that she just got married.There's alot of info and maximum space here. She did come to my wedding was the first to leave to.I didn't hold a grudge. Months go by.. She got a house called to tell me that. I was excited for her I said I can't wait to come see it.She never has asked. I called her a few times it was never a good time also she never invited.Eventually a year passed I always sent cards, e-mailed. She never responded nor did her son. She calls me this past summer, Suprized I got a house, and that line "Oh your number changed why didn't you tell me " My cell phone has never changed and she knows that. So I told her I missed her and her son she said she was gonna be in the area and came to my daughters swimmeet. She looked great lost a bunch of weight, I LISTENED to her, I didn't interupt her.I'm the type that forgets everything the second I'm happy again. I choose to ask why she and I have not kept in touch, she said oh it's not my husband, I'm just busy.With School/band (she's a teacher) Then tells me af a student thats on my daughters team whom she dislikes. Is that why she came there? To show the student she lost weight cuz she called her fat? I don't know. That was august 04' and I havn't heard from her until my mother died in October, I called her I need her. My mom had cancer and died horribly slow and painful death. She came to the wake but wanted to see if her husband wanted to come to the dinner afterwards.?? I was crushed.Needless to say she never showed.I don't know what i did? The only thing I can think of is back when they were still engaged her husband lied and said he has to go out of town for work and she found out he was with an ex-girlfriend. I actually left my job on the spot to be with her, I was up all night with her.I told her whatever she decided It wouldn't change her and I . They still married I still was in it and nobody but Her and me and him and her knew. thats it.It was dropped. But so was I . I really am to old and so depressed after lossing my mom and my job of 6yrs in the same week,and I have had this on my shoulders as well.And it eats at me everyday. I just want to know what I did and she says nothing. And everyone else says one day she will need you to be there for her, but I needed her and she hasn't been there for me. Please help me. Sheould I write her? Banish her I need closure.
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Want to answer more questions in the Relationships category?
Maybe give some free advice about: Friendship?
Dear Friend,
First of all, I'm so sorry about the loss of your mom. It happened somewhat recently and I am sure you are still dealing with that.
You have been a WONDERFUL friend. More than anyone could ever ask for. You seem very kind and caring. You listen, you are there for her in her times of need, you make an effort and you work at your relationships. You are the kind of person that anybody would be LUCKY to have. On the other hand, your friend seems very self-involved. More so than the average person. She thinks about what is best for her, she puts herself first in almost every situation.
I'm very glad you wrote back to give more of the details and happy to say that my initial reaction was completely way off. It's not that the relationship is not working out for her. It's exactly what she wants, it is working out EXACTLY like she wants it. It's YOU, that the friendship is not working for. Between you and me, I am 36 years old and I have three friends of my own that I've known and loved since my mid-teens. Yes, we have been through some rocky patches over the years but we seem to work through them somehow. However, these friends and I have all made a commitment that, no matter what, we will continue to support each other and love each other for the rest of our lives. I won't kid you, sometimes it is VERY difficult. Everybody goes through their phases and has new issues come up in life, that, since they are new, they are worked through in the only way that we know how to. We can only use the information that we have on hand at the time. And sometimes the emotional supply is empty and close to it and that, unfortunately, is what we use to work through it. This friend of yours seems to have a pretty full emotional supply, however, she is using it all on herself. She has been taking horrible advantage of you because of the person and the friend that you are. This is a reflection on HER, NOT you. Please don't blame yourself. Sometimes people come into your life to teach you something, to help you to grow. When that purpose is served, the relationship starts to die. The great news about this, is friendships can revive, they can survive just about anything. It's really just a matter of perspective, how we are feeling about it at the time.
I don't believe you will get closure on this relationship unless you do the closing. Please try to draw back a little. Don't feel it is a reflection on you because it absolutely is not. You seem like the type of person who makes a commitment and you stick it out through the end. You handle your responsibilities also, as if they were commitments. And that is so admirable. We should ALL be like that. You have gone above and beyond the call of duty. As I said previously, please back it up a little with her. Take your mind off of her. You are still going through your own emotional stuff and she is nowhere to be found. I wouldn't write her off completely, but you do need to learn how to teach her to treat you. The next time SHE calls YOU, (because you shouldn't be making the first move anymore) you probably need to be neutral. Think of yourself as an actress when it comes to her. Act as if there are no emotions involving her and it will come across to her like that. A phone call from her will not put things right. She needs to make some effort to show you that the friendship is important to her as well. One last thing, she may not have it in her to be as good of a friend as you are to her, but if you feel that she is being as sincere as SHE can be, then you may be able to feel as if you can trust her a little more. At this point, she has done nothing to keep your trust. I wish you good luck with this and if you ever need to vent or talk, please write to me. You deserve to have people treat you in a manner in which you feel appreciated and loved.
Linda
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