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I need relationship advice!
Ive met this great man and we get along in all aspects, but from the start he has said hes not sure about a relationship because of his past. Hes been so hurt and has built this huge wall around him. I have made it clear from the beginning that i do want a relationship. Who doesnt want to be loved as long as its with the right person? He has just recently figured out that i have started having feelings for him and it scares him. Now im scared of how honest to be with him about it because i dont want to lose him from my life, hes also a great friend. On the other hand i wish there was something i could do to get him to see how great we would be in a relationship. Help me, ive been seriously hurt in the past as well and i dont like this feeling i have in my stomach. What should i do? I am 33 years old and hes 36 and we both have children from previous relationships.
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Maybe give some free advice about: Love Life?
Don't press a relationship no matter how great the guy is. When men with "bad breakup baggage" tell you that they're not ready for another relationship, they're not feeding you some full of crap line--they're really not ready to open their heart again. You may be the best thing in his life as far as giving him the tenderness and understanding he probably didn't get from his last relationship and that's wonderful, but wait for him to reach out to you. The moment he realizes that he can't live without you will come in time as long as you don't push the issue of relationship (or even marriage, if you feel that strongly about him) The best thing for you both is to just go slow. Try going slow. I mean, let's-be-friends-before-lovers kind of slow. Embrace the fact that friendship will be the very thing that will make this man see that what happened in his past won't happen with you in the future. Trust me on this and give yourselves time to establish a foundation of trust, honesty and unquestionable friendship--and then watch how he warms up to the idea of being in an official relationship with you.
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Congradulations, you have found a man! (Which is more than i can say for 40% of the women, i meet everyday).As for keeping him,i would like to say that there is no universal pep talk, you could give him to ease his fears, the best thing you can do is plead your case, and leave him alone.If his heart has been broken, he needs to see for himself that you are someone who will mend his fences,not jump right over them.The flipside to this: some walls can't be broken down;Even if you feel 100% sure you can make it work, he may not.If this turns out to be the case,then he might be a lost cause.
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Sometimes its hard when two people are on opposite sides of the fence in a relationship. you can still be honest with him without scaring him. take things slow and let him know that you are willing to be patient. give him time. once someone is hurt its hard to trust people again. it sounds like he cares about you if he was willing to open up to you! dont give up to soon if this is something that you really want. however, if you feel like you are expecting way to more out of this situation than he is...maybe you should reconsider some things...to avoid being hurt ten times worse in the long run!
good luck!
shianne
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I am going to let someone else answer this question for me. Please read "He's Just Not That Into You," by Greg Behrendt and Liz Tuccillo. It may sound silly, but this book took a lot of the guesswork out of relationships for me. I have a feeling it can do the same for you too.
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Give it some time. Keep your feelings about it to yourself for now and see if he doesn't come around soon.I'm sure niether of you want to be hurt again.
I don't know how long I would wait for sure.You can't wait forever.You need to set a time limit for yourself and if you are looking for a serious commitment you need to move on if he won't commit after that time is up.
If you are willing to let things remain as they are indefinatley then you can do that also.Just be prepared for him to never change.If he was stung that bad he may never get over it.
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hey that kinda sounds like me and my boyfriend but were only lovesick teenagers lol anyways i think that you should sit him down and just tell him that even though he may have been hurt in the past that it doesnt mean that all relationships he will have will be the same tell him that if he can just give a leeway then this relationship could be the best hes had. honesty is one of the wonderful things in relationships so ull know when to be honest and wen to comfort hope i helped but then again im just a lovesick teen...
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Dear Ineed,
The one thing I have learned in this life is that when guys say they are scared, they are scared. When they say that they're assholes, they turn out to be assholes. When they say they need some space, they need the space, unfortunately, without you in it. You sound like a lovely girl who is kind, caring and nurturing.
You know that feeling you have in your stomach? It's a signal. It's a cue. It's a signal that something isn't right and it is manifesting itself physically. This is only the beginning. The beginning is the honeymoon phase and you are already feeling physical symptoms. It doesn't get any better. Okay, well occasionally you will be with him and get the feeling that it doesn't get any better than this. And it's exciting! You feel good, you feel that all is right with the world, you're HAPPY! That lasts about 30 seconds and then you start to doubt his motives. We women tend to crave those 30 seconds of euphoria and discount all the other behaviors. If it happens once or twice or even three times, we think it can happen again, maybe this time even longer.
You've been hurt in previous relationships and it could be a pattern that you're getting into. We can only work with what we know, and you have to teach others how to treat you. This means learning how you really, deep down, WANT to be treated.
I think you need to back up a bit. Just a little. You need and want a little more from him than he is willing or able to give. You say that you're good friends. That's great! It's the perfect place to start. Back it up to friends. I would start by releasing all the expectations that you have of him. Or that you want from him. Take his cue. Go slowly and watch for the signs that he is giving you. To do this, I would start with the phone. When you are talking on the phone, be very friendly, kind, do a lot of listening and not a lot of talking. Keep it short and YOU end the phone call. This works best when you are in the middle of a GREAT conversation. I know that sounds strange, but it works. Trust me. It will leave him wanting more. When you are together, same thing, different circumstances. Be a friend to him, not a lot of talking, perhaps ask him questions to get him talking about anything he wants to. Cut it short and end the visit first. Say you have other things that need your attention that you simply must attend to. Again, it will leave him wanting more AND it will put a little doubt in his mind.
HOPE + DOUBT = PASSION. You have to let him know that he is important to you, you will be there for him and that you have feelings for him. However, you MUST counter this with some doubt. This may be called mixed signals, but mixed signals is what a man thrives on. It's a challenge to him. It won't happen overnight, but it WILL happen if that's what you want. Think of it as a project you're working on. You are going to get what you put into it. I suspect this is the same reason why you are falling for him...because he is giving you the hope/doubt equation without even realizing it. But you can take that power back. This will work if it's done correctly. Please tell me how it works out for you.
Good luck!
Linda
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