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Life is an adventure but Life doesn't come with user manuals for everything. School subjects do little to prepare us. Its no wonder we all need helpful advice sometimes. Blessings to you!

advice

Hi everyone. I'm pretty sure that my neighbor "Melissa" overheard me talking about her, and now I feel bad about it. Ever since I moved here she's been asking me to do favors for her at least twice a week. It would be anything from helping her carry boxes up the stairs to doing paperwork for her job. She's not elderly or anything so I don't know why she can't do it herself. The other thing is that she doesn't care what time it is or what I'm doing, if she asks me for help she expects me to come right now. And if I don't she'll keep calling me everyday until I do it, and she'll get angry if I say no. I finally got fed up and so I called one of my friends because I just needed to vent. I was so angry. I told her that Melissa's so annoying and that I wish she would leave me alone. I said that she keeps forcing me to do stupid favors for her, and that I don't know what's wrong with her because she'll call me anytime at night. So after I got off the phone I noticed that my window was open, and I knew that Melissa was home that day. I think she heard me because she's been acting funny ever since then. She hasn't called me in over a month, which is unlike her. And she usually likes to leave her apartment door open, but now whenever she sees me walking by she'll slam the door shut. It's really awkward because we're still neighbors so I don't want her to hate me. Should I apologize? I feel bad about what I said, but at the same time I'm so happy that she finally stopped bothering me. What should I do?

Do nothing! Heck girl, by overhearing you or whatever it was, who cares, it stopped her from pestering and being a user, a leech. You do not need to apologize to her. If she were a decent human being, and want to change and improve herself, she
would acknowledge how she treated you and apologize, especially if she had no real idea she was coming across this way. But no, she had shut herself way in anger, slamming her door shut. Better hope she holds a grudge a long time. I know that sounds awful but the truth is, change must come from within with a person, a want to improve, ask for help, apologize. There aren't many who act that way. Most would do as she is currently doing. Some people eventually forget what they were upset about or distance of time makes it seem not as bad and they fall into old tricks and you could be pestered again. So if she ever does speak up and ask for something, then you could say, if you need someone to do tasks for you, may I suggest calling a Care agency to get a caregiver to do all these kinds of things for you. However if you dont qualify to get one state paid, or free to you, you can simply pay that person a monthly wage to do this work for you. You are not a pyschologist and so its not your job to help whatever may be affected in her either from childhood or later. I could make a wild guess that in her home growing up that no one showed loved with hugs, cuddles and kisses, but only by doing deeds for each other. She would then be running on a wrong impression of how people show love and care for others, because thats only one and there are 5 different ways. You can look it up yourself under 'The Five Love Languages'.

I also wonder on the turn around in leasing out your apartment and how often others leave do to avoid her. If it gets real bad and nothing works, you might ask the manager about switching you to another apartment and if they want to know why, you tell them the truth. They may want to know if no one wants to stay in the apartment, because of her behavior. After all, you moved there for a place to live, not an unpaid to do.

This type of person, no matter how they got there, is going to continue to ask for what they want and like a spoiled child throw a fit when they don't get it. What you have to do with such a person will sound mean to them and to you but giving in on one little favor will embolden them to ask more and more. You are a good caring person and I know because you feel bad about it. But your type of person is who such a user will try to stick with, because you are easy to manipulate to her will, because you are more likely to say yes, even if reluctantly, and more likely to drop whatever you were doing to get her off your back. Thankfully shes only a neighbor and not a parent or sibling like this.

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I’ve developed really strong feelings for one of my friends, but it’s hard because he doesn’t see me in the same way. I met him a year ago through a Bible study group at my university. We got to know each other really well because he gives me rides to church. To start with, I had a little puppy crush on him, but I pushed it aside to keep from getting hurt. Last semester, we started becoming pretty close friends and my feelings developed even more. Unfortunately, I found out he likes another girl from our group. She politely turned him down, but they still remain friends and he still likes her. Also, last semester another girl joined our Bible study and me and her have gotten really close. Her and my crush went to high school together so they have known each other for four years. She told me she had a crush on him, so I told her I did too since she was being open and honest with me. She was already telling me she was thinking about telling him, so I made sure to let her know I was not telling her this to keep her from telling him and that I would step back since she spoke with me first and has known him longer. She ended up telling him. He let me know, and she let me know afterwards and told me how it went. He had just gotten out of a relationship (it only lasted a month) and said he only thought of her as a friend. Since my crush on him developed, I’ve had to listen to him talk about a girl he liked (the one that turned him down), a different girl (who ended up being his girlfriend for a month), and then my friend. He wanted my opinion, but I didn’t want to give it because she’s my friend, but he’s my crush. The fact that he’s coming to me for advice on his crushes or girls who’s interested in him is a big sign he doesn’t like me like that. Fast forward, earlier this week me, my crush, my friend and another girl went for a walk in the evening to look at the plants on our college campus. My crush showed me some plants and then I went to the swing while my friend and the girl went and looked. My friend came up to me to ask if I was ok because she knows I have anxiety. Since my crush and the girl were distracted out of earshot, my friend spoke to me and said she knows I don’t need permission from her, but she’s okay with me telling him. I had told her before I wouldn’t do that because I didn’t want to hurt our friendship (someone did that to me in the past). She said she has other things to worry about and he only saw her as a friend, so she guaranteed it would be ok and said if I decide to do it, she wishes me luck. I thanked her and said if I ever decided, I would be sure to tell her first to make sure she’s ok with it. Her and the girl had to leave to meet someone, so I was alone with my crush. I wish I could tell him. Our passions go hand-in-hand even though they’re different. I’m a nutrition major who cares about the environment and he’s a biological engineering major who cares about the environment so we use our majors to discuss our same passion. He said he likes talking with me about that because he knows very little on nutrition and I talk more about the biochemistry part of it. I know if I never tell him, I’ll regret it. I’ve never liked anyone this much for this long, but I’m worried about getting friend-zoned. I know we won’t quit being friends, but I like him so much more than that, and can’t shake it no matter how hard I try. I think I might already be friend-zoned, honestly. How do I escape this? He’s not a hugging type of person (including with his crushes), so I can’t really do physical touch.

If you don't want to come out and say how you feel, you can ask the following but must ask his opinion at the end. 'Since you and I are getting along great as friends, I wonder how well we would do together as more than friends. What do you think?"

The only thing you aren't saying in speaking this,is that you already have feelings which can scare some guys off. Asking what he thinks is important because this is an open ended question, meaning it can't be answered yes or no. If he does have the right chemistry with you, he will jump at the chance if he's been wanting to explore that. If however he does not feel the right kind of chemistry with you, he will say he doesn't feel that way about you. Knowing how you like him romantically can scare a guy from telling the truth as he doesn't want to hurt your feelings. ut rememer we can't have the right chemistry with someone and it has nothing to do with there being chemistry if the person is hot looking. After a divorce, I went out a few times with a guy who looked like a male model ---that hot...and yet we had no chemistry for a couples relationship. He felt that too, so after 2 dates, we gave it up.

Friendship doesn't mean automatically friend zoned. Having a great friendship, even close or best friends is important no matter if a friend or potential mate. One of the foundations for a romantic relationship or marriage to have a chance at being successful, is the friendship part. It thats there, then you only need to check if there is a more than friends feeling on their part. If so, you become a couple, if not, you don't. If at worst case, he knows for sure he is unable to see you romantically, then at least you still are ahead of the single girls who do not have a male friend. At this point, it is always helpful to ask questions of him as a male, dating advice and so on. Also, I need you to understand that being friend zoned doesnt mean you did something wrong to end up there, there truly was no chemistry felt both ways. So if you want to know how to escape a friend zone with a person you have asked the question and know they dont feel the same way, well, thats life and it can't be changed, so nope, there's no way to escape being his friend only. I'd use him as help to find the right guy. He might even be able to spot guys who seem interested and let you know if any are trouble and should be avoided.

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I’ve been talking to a guy for 8 months now. I haven’t met him in real life yet. At first, I was mutually interested in him up until I saw him interacting w/ other girls (through social media). I asked him about this, his response was “I only talk to them for a max 1 month”, followed by “you’re the only girl I’m serious about/want to spend my life with. And, "You’re the only girl who could break my heart, if you leave me I’ll be devastated”.

He drops the L bomb very frequently. Which didn’t make sense to me. He’s always texting me, & would often times ask me if I was talking to someone new if I had replied too late, to which I told him I wasn’t. His response would be “No.. it’s fine if you are. Don’t worry, I’ll be fine. I can handle emotional pain.” However, he would still giving me a hard time if I simply interact w/ a guy online in a platonic manner. He would say, “I have high expectations of you.”

Okay, i’m not quite sure if this was suspicious, but I’ll this anyway in case anyone thinks it is & wants to inform me. But he would ask me what I did the whole day, if I ate, what did I eat, what I was doing. I always took this as a simple act of care & didn’t put too much thought behind it. But now it seems like it could’ve been a masqueraded as one. I’m not sure though.

Then, he would check who I was following on social media, & if I had an interaction w/ another conventionally attractive male, he would have a strong visceral reaction & inquire me ab it in a passive aggressive way, threatening to stop talking to me b/c he thought I didn’t care ab him. He constantly “jokes” ab us having kids, getting married, meeting his parents, he would say “tell your mom I said hi.” and yeah, it made me uncomfortable.

(Side note: I think he wants to me “wait” for him to stop playing around w/ other girls, stating that he’ll naturally “change” once he’s in his later 20’s & wants to settle down.”)

I want to know how to get him off my back permanently. He wants to meet me in person, but I’m holding it off b/c I don’t want to continue this relationship. How do I do it w/o it having be suspicious or too abrupt?

Actually, hate to burst your bubble but solid advice was correct in stating this isn't a real relationship. Nothing about it is what two people need to learn if they are right for each other.
How do I know this? I lived though it, experienced and can tell you that what you know from a person on line and by phone, someone you've never met, is not enough to qualify as a real relationship. To give a good example, you are unable to know what his arms feel like around you or cuddlling, what his kiss feels like or better yet, if there is any chemistry.

I never let the internet thing go on for long, using the pc mostly as a tool, the best tool for finding someone, to learn of their existence. Then you take it into real life and meet as soon as you can in real life. I remember two different guys whom I was excited about and very hopeful for but the one I did feel chemistry with did not care about himself, his health and only preferred eating high carb meals out every day. He was grossly overweight as a reault of his habit. Weight wasn'tk the issue, but whether or not the person could keep up with me in something as simple as walking. The other when we met, were in each others presence, both felt the lack of chemistry and he spoke up quick to say, "IT's not going to work, is it?" I shook my head and said, I don't feel any chemistry either, so no, it won't." But I can guarantee you this was a very nice guy.
I used to be married starting at age 20. Was too naive then, and didn't see the warning signs. Met him in person and he liked controlling things, and asking me lots of questions. Asking is not the issue,asking many questions isn't bad either, as long as you don't fire one after another at a person interrogation style. In between, there should have been something said in their answers that got you thinking of something you want to share and say and you do. That is normal. However from experience, I know it is not normal to check up on a supposed love, threaten them with ultimatums and so on. If you want more details on what life was like with him, I can share, but in short, this guy you speak of has me feeling lots of warning signs. There is lack of trust in you as it might seem, but this is actually something going on inside him. He doesn't like the competition of other males, even in something so benign as talking to another male. It means most men will come across as alpha male and he wants to be the only male in your life. Later he may try to make himself the only person in your life by forbidding seeing your friends and even your own family and parents, even the mom he keeps saying to say hi to. This men, on a subconscious level are aware something is wrong with them, that they aren't quite normal. But instead of seeing a Dr. and finding out whats going on, they create a false look about them. First, they believe they will look more normal if they have a girlfriend or wife. This is so important to such a man, that he won't wait on one girl to fall for him but talk to, date or see more at the same time if he can.
In the end, a psychologist whom my then husband saw, told us that he was doing that 'trying to fit in with the Joneses' mentallity, meaning he wanted to appear so normal that no one thinks to go digging deeper to find there is something quite off about him. I suppose women do this too but in this story, it's about the guys. It is best you do not talk to or meet him ever? Why? Unless you want to see what if feels like to feel your significant other is a nightmare 24/7/365. Added to that is the tremendous stress of living with someone like that, never being happy, the stress leading to a break down in your body, either mentally or physically. For me it was physically, stress related health situations, like daily headaches,all over body stress rash, ulcers, and so on. I don't have any of those since leaving him. Since he's in his early twenties, a lot of males are not ready to marry at this age and will decide to do so once hitting thirty or a bit older. But your reasoning of him wanting you to wait until he is serious is most likely not at all whats going on. Some people are so reclusive they may never want to marry and will be happy to string along any person they can who will be compliant and do as they wish. My ex thought my introvertness and quietness were signs I was a weak compliant person with no self confidence so he could control me way too easy. He made a big mistake, underestimating me. I was just starting to gain self confidence and today am very outgoing, talkative and self confident. Everything in me fought against him emotionally and mentally abusing me. That is what you can look forward to in a life with him in it, even if just as a friend because he'll not be content as only friend because he would lack the ability to control you if allowing you to have other friends.
The only way this can happen is if you allow it. Yes, I was lieing to myself all along, thinking everything had a good explanation, and so making excuses in my mind for him. But you hopefully don't have to go through the whole experience to learn. Block him online and don't even view what he wrote. I did that once with a mssg from ex after I left. It was so hateful, I wished I hadnt looked. No meet up in person. Block his phone number. Unless he has your full address, which isn't smart to give out until you've met a good amount of time in public first, you can't trust someone off the internet because its too easy to hide who you really are. I talked to a young male neighbor decades ago who told me he'd found a gal on line, he liked her personality.When he met her,she did not look at all like her photos because she had used photos of some model.She was overweight. He told me he wasn't picky when it came to looks,he wanted the great personality and no matter how short or tall, skinny or fat, color of skin, he would not have minded, but because she lied to him about her looks, he wouldnt tolerate dishonesty. Sound harsh? No second chance? You are darned right it should be that way. People are trying to impress when they first meet you and will create and live a false identity. However it takes so much personal energy to keep that going that eventually,something bad will slip through a crack in the pretty jar. You can bet there is more stored inside of what you just saw.It's never that a human makes a mistake only once. We always repeat until we finally 'choose' to learn to do
better. So block him every where after writing a final note to him saying that this is not going to work and you don't have anyone else yet, but you are still looking for the one to marry and he is not it, there isn't the right kind of chemistry." Then sent message, block him and don't answer if he comes on right away. Shut it down.Thats how you get rid of him.If he discovers where you live, do not invite him in. Ask him to leave right away since he has no reason that you would be okay with for him to be there. (He has his own reasons based on his own thinking but thats not good enough.) Keep your door closed and keep asking him to leave, if he doesn't. You may have to call a neighbor friend to pop out for a bit and be a witness to him hanging at your door. Also call police and tell them an unwanted man is at your door and won't leave. At worst, they'll suggest you file a restraining order. While this all sounds way over the top as your reaction, it is not.Police can't guard you24/7 and so if he doesn't get the message and feels its okay to keep showing up hoping to break you down, he will keep it up. Once a controller believes he's found a female who won't fight him, he won't give up easily because then he'd have to start all over searching for a meek, shy, self conscious women easy to control. They don't want someone who fights back. So please keep this in mind. I have a girlfriend whose husband was abusive. They had one toddler and she was expecting and one he beat her,especially kicking her pregnant stomach until she aborted on the kitchen floor in a pool of blood.Help agencies,had nothing to suggest for a controller who became violent. They suggested she pack up a car with her and son and leave all behind and just drive to relocate as far away as she could. She traveled across the entire country. I am not giving you such stories to scare you, but be fair to let you how where you are at right now could become that bad if you go off in a direction that led you to him as b f or husband.

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Is it possible that my ex thinks of me at all? We were friends for 6 months and then dated for another 8 months. While not the longest relationship...they were formative years. we were eachothers firsts and we were both mid-college. We are both married now with families but a few times a year she pops in my head and I can't get her out. We are facebook friends but outside of saying Happy Birthday, there is no contact. Do I just keep trying to forget?

Unless you used the wrong word, there is nothing wrong with thinking fondly of someone. Fond of means having a liking for or love for. However nothing is mentioned of desiring sex with. You did not say this but I want to be clear that last bit is somewhere you don't want to go with your thoughts.

If you are surprised and feel guilty about just remembering your relationship, you need to hear that the only way to totally forget someone in your past is by having amnesia, But of course you won't even know who you are then. The truth is that people are not able to forget people in their past, they will only find that the emotions attached to thinking of them, will change over time. I don't know how its come about that people assume once a relationship ends that all thoughts and memories of the ex person go away, to never come back. Thats not going to happen and I've lived it with an abusive husband just shy of 30 yrs before I left him. I was very abused and could have hated him or all men but I chose to feel sorry for him instead, that his soul wasn't at the same level as mine and realizing things would never change if I stayed. Today I see him at family gatherings for childrens or grandchildrens birthdays sometimes and are on facebook together. I can be around him and not feel a bit uncomfortable, or fearful, or hateful. There is no emotion connected there.

As far as feeling some level of love and concern for someone in the past, most humans arent ready yet to understand or live this correctly. My 2nd husband has a past wife as I have a past husband. She is a bit more needy and at times she has called my hubby when something bad happened like her dog died and she really has no one else to talk to.I am not jealous of her. We both have shared stories of our past and past partners, which come out sometimes in life, like after a phone call from her, or my explaining my actions to hubby, out of habit having had to do it often with ex. And when he asks why I said that, I will share some things about the ex and how I always had to be in a self protection mode and explaining myself often was part of it.
Lastly, you can love certain aspects of a person and at the same time be in love with your partner. The two are not the same but again humans are led astray and don't understand feelings correctly. If I say I love chocolate ice cream, it means I have a preference to have it above other flavors.Saying I love it doesn't mean I want to marry it. I don't feel that kind of love. To take away any confusion of types of love, you can read this link naming and explaining all of them.
https://www.ftd.com/blog/give/types-of-love

So now if you've read that and hear me tell you that in ending his call with ex, he says 'love you', I understand and it doesn't bother me. I know where I stand with him and he makes his interest in me, clear every day in telling me how special I am, how much he loves me, watching his eyes cloud with desire, being open and sharing when he's chatting with an old female friend from his past on facebook. I get to read the whole conversation and its all friendship, no romantic stuff. I hope you realize now that you are normal and you can't erase her from your mind. If you were thinking of her daily and multiple times a day, and that bothered you, there is something you can do to stop your subconscious from bring up these thoughts. But yours are only a few times a year, if that was not an understatement. The few times are normal too. I find that I might see something, or be somewhere or hear something that brings up a memory of someone from my past,good memories, and it is healthy to get a quick smile from these thoughts.

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I’m 26 years old, my boyfriend is 28. We have been together for 2 years, recently we decided to make the big step of moving in together, he told me that his sister would move in too,she’s 17 about to be 18. At first I was fine with It bc in the other house they lived in before she was always in her room or she’d be with her dad who lives with his girlfriend. I also didn’t take the time to really think It through, i was just ready to get out of my toxic stepdads house. I’ve always known that my boyfriend and his sister are close, but I didn’t realize HOW close until I started living with them. I have noticed that they go into the bathroom with each other when one another showers or pees/poops. Private parts are covered when they do this, but still.. I find It odd. She cuddles with him on the couch and lays on his lap, anytime she hears his voice she comes out of her room and is always RIGHT there next to him. The only time my boyfriend and I get any privacy is when we’re back in our room and even then there’s only a thin wall separating us from his sister, so she can hear EVERYTHING. Even when my boyfriend takes me on dates he orders her something to go because he feels bad about leaving her at home. Don’t get me wrong, I love a man who is close with his family but they’re TOO close and it’s beginning to cause a lot of problems in our relationship. Another issue is he makes me pay half the rent, but she gets to live there for free. My boyfriends dad pays our electricity and water (he has a key and comes and goes sometimes) and my boyfriend considers that as her contribution to the house. She doesn’t work, anytime I bring up her getting a job It always starts an argument because she is still in highschool, but she’s out by 2pm, so she has time to get a part time job, so she can contribute to the house as well. She also doesn’t plan on working once she graduates, her dad told her as long as she studies she doesn’t need a job. I have been struggling with making money too through the pandemic, but to my boyfriend that doesn’t matter. I have to meet my half of the rent by the end of the month, which I have. I find ways to make money, but when I bring up her doing something too and us splitting the rent in thirds, it’s a huge argument. I told my boyfriend that if she can’t contribute or isn’t willing to work, she should live with her dad (they have a room for her at her dads)He shut me down immediately and we got in an argument about how he thinks I’m jealous of his sister, which isn’t the case at all. I just think if family is gonna be with us the finances should be split evenly. I have asked my boyfriend what his future plans are and if we’ll ever have a place of our own, he says in 10 years once this house is paid off we’ll get a home just the 2 of us.. in 10 years I will be 36, almost 40 years old. I don’t know if I can deal with this until then. He talks about marriage and kids with me one day, but I don’t wanna have kids with him until we are living by ourselves. Before I moved in I thought It would be a sense of independence and that our relationship would grow stronger, but it’s not. I feel trapped and like I’m losing my relationship because we can’t have any intimacy together in our home with his sister ALWAYS there between us. I can’t go back to my moms and I can’t afford a place on my own at the moment, so I’m stuck. I don’t know how else to go about this situation. Am I being unreasonable for wanting her to work and help out more? I wanna get how I feel across without my feelings being invalidated. I feel like the dad has put his kid on us and I don’t like that at all. HELP!!

There are not many people who are that comfortable that they can be in the bathroom same time and don't require privacy but it does exist. My husband and I are examples, and a couple I knew simply took the door off their bathroom as they never used it. There are some families like that. Nudist families have kids that grow up that way and find it normal. So thats all I have to say on the bathroom thing. But everything else you say sounds like the sister has a hero complex with him and looks up to him to for everything. People who practically worship another human being will try to copy them in everything. He may not have connected the dots and realize this. All he knows is how he feels when his sis acts as she does. It is the biggest compliment so whatever feels good, a person will look for more of it. This is probably why he buys food to take home to her.

When you say the house is yours and his...I assume you both signed a purchase or lease. that means with your name on it, you are expected to pay your part. You can't go back to before hand and not sign on.
Heres what I'd like to caution on: When a person loves someone and marries, the partners family becomes part of your family. If that other family is stable minded likeable people, then all is good. You aren't even married and what you want and like, you are not getting, but I'll bet you didn't think it out ahead. Did you sign papers for the house, knowing what the family was like? Something is wrong with the parents in how they raised their kids, or the kids are making bad decisions on their own. Sounds selfish to me, offloading the teen sis on you. If it was the plan before moving in, then you have learned a lesson and to make sure it doesn't happen again, you either stay and make enemies of the parents and possibly your bf or sis by speaking up, or suffer in silence. The hardest change like you've already been told by another, is to change your living situation and basically cut these people out of your life. I married at 20 and was too naive to know that your basic needs and wants needed to be laid out in the beginning with bf, after he still wanted to see you for repeat dates, like around the third time. I learned this later after a divorce. There are some things which if not present in the man you want to get to know, or if not present in his family and depending on where you;d fall on the totem pole in importance to him, you on top or his family more important...that was the time to hash things out and do some major discovering about him and his family. If a women wants kids, marries and then after a couple years says she's already to have kids and he says he never ever wants any, theres no compromise since theres no such thing as half a pregnancy and half and child. No matter how much you think the guy is great otherwise, anything like this would be a deal breaker. I made such a list when wanting to remarry after a divorce, to someone new of course. I had such a list. It helped weed out many nice guys who would not have been right because a few crucial things were missing. So its not all his and his familys fault. Same as me, I made the choice to marry, as you made the choice to live with him. If he is not willing to sell and you to go your own way without him, (I understand this is hard especially now) you may be stuck for a while.Since everyone has free will, even if it is to make bad or not the best decisions, you end up having to change and get past the free will of him, his sis and both parents, so you'd have to hope all four change who they are, so that what you are asking for you'd get. This is very unlikely. That is why it is much better to learn how to screen people ahead by laying it out for them, listing your criteria and whats important to you. It might sound hard nosed but I did it and now have a wonderful husband whereas I had a verbally abusive man before. I don't think you'd want to leave him, feeling love for him. However if you stay long enough in a bad situation as I did, you find that the love slowly starts to dissappear over time when experiencing lots of things you don't like or hate, especially if its affecting you. I have no idea what the best thing os advise here is, but this gives you more to think about. You're stuck or you leave. I had to make that hard decision once. But I left because the stress was affecting my health in a bad way.

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I’m still in high school and super awkward approaching people. I have no problem having a conversation I just get SUPER nervous trying to approach them. I wanna befriend this person I’ve not really talked to, they sit by themselves during lunch. I’ve went up to talk to them before but got nervous and ended up ranting about something stupid. I wanna go up to them, and im too Nervous and I’m wondering if asking to draw them will Help me make friends with them. Thanks

Lets see, I am imagining myself as the approachee in HS. If a person I didn't even know walked up and asked if they could draw a picture of me, I would find that very odd. Simply due to weird feelings about it, I'd probably mumble, 'No', You are looking for some kind of gimmick to op3n the ddors to communication. You are kind of on the right track as far as realizing you need something that can help get conversation started and to keep it going.

I happen to know how to teach that since I had social anxiety and the friends I had in school are only the ones who did approach me first. I had to learn this on my own, long before anxiety medicine was in existence. I was even afraid to simply smile at passing people for fear it might get them to stop and start talking to me and I had no skills there and would flounder.

Here's what to try instead. It is hard to start up a conversation with someone who is not talking or listening in on a convo. In this case, with them sitting alone, they are probably as awkward as you feel about starting conversations with a person. That was me, sitting alone. So this person won't be hard on you if you fumble about a bit.

First hint is to look around or think of something that puts you in the same situation and use that to start a conversation. My example is being in the produce aisle, needing to get melon and seeing a woman tapping and listening to melons. I was still learning to do what I am telling you to do. So I asked her what she was doing, even though I basically knew, but I was using this as my excuse to get a conversation started. After she explained I said thank you, that was very helpful and choose my melon. Later she saw me in an aisle near the same packaged food I was looking at. Now that we had talked, I was a cold stranger and it was also easier for her to talk to me. She asked if I used a particular brand that cost more, I did, and then she said she had a coupon for it which really cut the cost and I accepted it. I'd say the majority of basic personality types are friendly, even if not the most outgoing. But there are a very few who don't like being around other people. Its never you but all about them wanting to live like hermits. So don't let fear of a non responsive smiling person make you give up. If you do come across such a person, adjust your approach to say very little, and allow them the space they crave, without trying to befriend them. Its truly about 10% of people who are like this by my best guess.

So what you and the person have in common at that moment is both being in a lunch area and eating lunch. I know its not much but here is where you start. You will do best if making comments and asking only open ended questions. A closed ended question is one that can be answered yes or no because once answered, the convo dies out. So I would simply come up with things like, "Is anyone else expecting to sit here? Then sit and if you're eating something different like sack lunch and they bought lunch, "Hows the hot lunch?" Can they answer with a yes or no, No they cant so this is open ended. Listen well if they speak at all. You are listening for something in their response that you can latch onto and use in next thing you say. A typical teen most likely will shrug and say, 'Its okay". And that is not enough but I hear the work okay, and so I will likely make a statement and then ask a question. Only asking questions without you offering info will feel like an interrogation and people don't like that. A good comment in this example is, "I know what you mean, it might fill the stomach but its not the kind of food, you'd be wanting seconds on." Don't forget to smile, which means you are friendly and approachable yourself. I would then add, "My favorite food is Mexican, what's yours." They will state one or say they don't have a favorite. Now that you've gotten a few responses, its time to introduce yourself. I have never in public with a stranger given my name and asked theirs before a conversation. And quite often if I realize its someone I likely wont ever see again, I never do that part. But here at lunch is a good time. Now that you have chatted a tiny bit, you can look for s something to compliment them on. Complimenting a stranger is never questioned or thought odd. People eat this up as they get very little of it in life. think about the last time someone you don't know complimented you on something. But it must be true about how you feel cus folks can tell if it's insincere. So if I like a necklace, a top, hair, I tell the person. A woman in line behind me had the most beauitful natural tiny ringlets, a head full, and it was so pretty I had to comment on it. She was turned away talking so I even had to tap her on the shoulder (this is before Covid) and told her how pretty I found her hair, and added that my niece had hair like this like til she started straightening it and now it doesnt look so good anymore and I missed seeing that. She was taken off guard but very smiling and happy and thanked me. I even complimented a Mom loading groceries in car in grocery parking lot. I had observed her in the store with her four children and had been able to keep them in line. I compliment her for taking all the kiddos with her as I had done and mentioned she was a great parent as I had observed her interacting with her kids in the store. She was distracted at the time and said thanks but didn't give me more than a quick glance. I'll bet alone that evening she would have recalled it and felt good or smiled about it.

Start listening to others talking and see if they are automatically doing the right thing while talking with others. Most likely the next thing they say has something to do with the answer or comment of the previous person. It would be like hearing a person state they hate name brand items. I know I couldn't understand exactly why they feel that so I would ask, Why do you say that? A possible answer might be 'Because of the pressure it puts on you to fit in with all the students at school. The pressure is wanting to wear name brands but not having the money to do so." In this simple exchange, you've learned they don't actually hate name brands, they hate the fact they cant afford it. If you have ever felt peer pressure, you can comment you know how that goes. Then ask whatever more you'd like to know. I hope this all helps you a bit. Write me again if you get stuck and what both of you basically said and I can let you know if there was anything you missed or could have been done better. I evaluate myself sometimes asking these questions. And often enough I will put myself in the other persons shoes, imagining someone asking me the question to know if it was appropriate or some what uncomfortable to answer. Good luck

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Since I was 17 I've once in a while felt the overwhelming urge, deep in my soul, to become a nun or to live some sort of quiet, monastic life, shielded from society with time to focus on spirituality in an inner sense.

The trouble is that these visions feel detached from who I am the rest of the time? Like, when they go away, then I just kind of feel like I have to focus on school and get on with my life.

I'd like to think the visions and feeling of longing goes away just because my circumstances are kind of shitty and my life isn't all that great yet. I'm wondering if I have to get my bearings in the normal real world first and kind of build up a sense of who I am, and then maybe if I'm able to make a really good life for myself, there will come a time when I can take monastic life seriously.

I really do believe in meditation, and a deep life of just prayer and inner commitment. I think, realistically, I could thrive in those environments. But I'm on a medication right now that I'm determined to get off of, and that's causing stress and taking up so much time, that it's like the spiritual side is waiting for a better opportunity.

Does anyone have experience with monastic life? Living as a monk or a nun? Would anyone recommend ways of maybe starting prep-work to make that more a reality like maybe 10 years in the future?

What you have said got me thinking about an inspirational talker I have subscribed to on Facebook, a Jay Shetty. Since you asked for someone with experience living monastic life, I thought of him. He spent 9 years as a monk but is now living a regular life. He focuses on retraining our minds. Says there are no classes one can take that teach how to think. So he wrote a book, 'how to think like a Monk'. You may benefit from reading that. You can find many videos, his face-book page or other articles on line by using his name. Then decide if you'd rather write to him or get the book first and see if that helps you. So, enjoy what you can learn from him and I doubt you will need to become a nun. You want to avoid becoming to reliant on the rituals of such a life because that is the doing/moving part of our existence, the physical part. Ritual isn't bad but causes people to lose focus on their thoughts and what can solve many peoples issues or make their life happier is retraining our minds. And that is what I try to do every day.

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I recently started a new medication which is said to have "normal" sexual side-effects with reaching climax. I haven't had partner sex since COVID and have resulted to masturbation like a lot of people. I'm always relaxed and usually have the same bed time routine etc.

However, the last few times I did there wasn't ejaculation and it took awhile longer to feel anything rather than usual quickness. In fact, my hand cramped up and that was the end of that. I'm just a tad freaked out that when I have intercourse again that there will be an issue.

I'm not looking for tips but rather how to talk to my doctor (a female whom I trust) about it. Self-pleasure is taboo and awkward to talk with female. I'm hipocritical as I always tell people on here how natural it is to do and you're normal but have this hang up telling a doctor about masturbation and sex. What do you think is best thing to do?

You've lined out already why you feel weird about talking to a female doctor, the fact that Dr. is opposite sex from you (guessing since you post Dr is female you trust) and the fact you believe self pleasure is taboo. Drs see and hear all sorts of stuff you'd think they never do, so a conversation about this is not going to shock them. I don't suppose knowing that helps. If you truly feel it is normal, then you can't also believe that it is wrong. Wrong to do but normal to do is a mindset you have and you are the only one who can change that by your thinking. People want to do what God wants. People want to do right and do what the church says. However, often enough, I've seen that what the church says and God wants are two very different things. I am not anti God or church, but a very Spiritual person who has a relationship with Jesus. I used to blindly believe what told that self pleasure is taboo as my church taught that too. I was married to someone who was not in love with me and restricted sex to only the few times they wanted it. So I masturbated. I prayed a lot about it and what I heard from GOD, led me to believe it was actually okay and a misinterpretation of church scholars. Nothing is going to change your view on this so you're more comfortable over night. This is a process for your mind. Your subconscious mind needs to get in on this and help. So speak to yourself and you'll be speaking to your subconscious. It is a habit for you to feel strange about speaking about sex and masturbation. I used to be like that in my 20s and 30s. I didn't even like saying the word 'sex' out loud with my partner. So if you don't want to wait a couple decades til you naturally grow out of it, you may want to tell your sub mind that you are choosing to see the DR and want your uncomfortable feelings to go away but those thoughts will come back sometimes as soon as a couple minutes. This is the retraining process and it gets better so that you have to remind the sub mind less often as days go by. In a few days, it should be better and you able to go.
Lastly, there is always that idea of just doing it and taking that leap of faith. However since hearing lyrics in a song about taking a leap of fear, I understand the situation better. God used it as a training for me. I learned that it is better called a leap of fear because the fear is there when you are doing the so called leap of faith. It is only really fear, something humans battle alot in many situations, fear that holds us back. So what really produces the needed faith? Its experience, the way of going through the uncomfortable scary thing to realize it wasn't as bad as you thought. It is that experience afterward that gives you or strengthens your faith. So that Nike motto, 'Just do it!' comes in handy and has less to do with shoes as I see it but everything to do with making your move while riddled with fear and uncomfortable feelings.

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Is it ok for my boyfriend of 4 years to call me a fucken bitch I know it’s not all right but what should I do.

If it were okay, ALL the humans on this planet would be speaking this way to each other in their own language and it would be taught to children as the way to treat others. So, thats the short answer.
What I find hard to imagine is that he's gone 4 years with you and now is the only time he has done this. I come from an abusive marriage. Anyone hiding their true self, because subconsciously they know they are not nice enough to catch someones interest, will do so until they run out of energy to keep it up which only lasts 5-6 dates, or a month or two depending if you dont see each other often during a month. The more time together, the faster you will see the real person.

So lets say, he is innocent, a good man, wasn't hiding his real self from you, there had to be something extremely stressful that just occurred in his life for him to lose his sweet personality and erupt in anger to say such disrespectful, hurtful stuff. I don't want to make an excuse for him, but what you're looking for is consistent behavior in a man. Be sure you are not making excuses in your mind for the behavior such as I did with "oh he got yelled at on the job, he was let go, the car broke down, his parent died, etc.
I did that all the time. That was a mistake. I can see someone being irritated when theres too much going on. But I warn people I am not in a mood yet to deal with anyone. I would tell my kids this upon coming home and asked them to give me time to get back to my happy self cus I was really stressed right now and if they chose to talk to me right now, I might yell and bite their head off so to speak. They listened and gave me space and I approached them when ready. My 2nd husband never directs anger at me. We do get irritated at times in life but he tries to remain calm as I do, and if he grumbles, its at himself, letting off steam instead of keeping stuff bottled up inside. But every time his voice is more intense, he will apologize to me for simply speaking louder while frustrated in building drones for example. I am not expecting an apology as I didn't feel one was needed, but he could never hurt me. I cried once early in relationship and because he was in love with me, not just like loving some aspects of me which is what most people fall into, loving a person b ut not being in love. Because he's in love, he cares more about my welfare and not wanting to hurt me accidentally or otherwise. He asked if he had done anything to hurt me. He hadn't. And he has never called me anything derogatory, just the opposite. I hear every day him telling me how much he loves me, and compliments of how lucky he is to have me, I'm an exceptionally great wife, and good looking at my age, in fact better than most my age or even younger. I see his eyes light up when he looks at me. I see his willingness to help as my eyes are bad and I've had 4 different appts with specialist to figure out what best to do to make my eyesight better, so any typing mistakes here are due to that most likely, bad eyes.
You are afraid you may not find someone else, if you leave him? Have a talk with him. Let him know his anger and what he called you is not acceptable. and then let him know what is. Such as doing what I did with my kids. Warning you he needed some time alone because he feels his emotions are volatile right now and he wouldnt want to dump on you and be mean and disrespectful.
So you are correct, it is not good behavior. What should matter to you is whether this was due to something bad that just occurred making his temper so touchy or he has done other things that are also bad along the years but you brushed them away as non significant. I will give you one of my experiences. After a divorce, met a guy, went on abut 5 dates in public before going to dinner he cooked at his house. My first time there and the first thing he said as I got in was to please excuse the horrible mess and went on to blame his maid whom he used racial slurs against. He wasn't directing it at me, so I could have excused it away at being nervous at having me there the first time. But I came from an abusive marriage, so I had learned that no matter who it was directed at, if a person exhibited bad behavior and treatment of other people, it wouldn't be long before it was directed at me. So you better be sure you want to stay. Only reason for that for me would be if I was in love with him and it wasn't one way but he also is in love with me and treating me the way a man in love should treat his woman and it certainly is not by calling her a bitch. In my own family growing up, no one called anyone derogatory names. Only one sister jealous that I was engaged, had called me a bitch once. That was it. Never again. But then think about that, it was as a teen, cus I was 20 and getting married. And teens don't have good control of how to treat others, or good decision making until the frontal cortex of brain is finally done and mature at approximately age 25, and thats like me making excuses, which I wasn't at the time, this is decades later where I have known my sister to never call anyone rude names. If theres no love, theres no reason for you to be in that relationship. So I will post in something you can use to gauge just how much he loves you to help you in making your decision to stay or go.


7 Questions to know if he really loves you


1. Does he say I love you. For some, it's a hard thing to say but they show it to you in other ways. When he says “I love you”, he is viewing that as a commitment to you. It is not a flippant phrase.
Saying I love you too early like during first couple dates is a warning about the guy. Its a very good chance he is needy and wanting a woman to be his mom. Other phrases from a guy count too, like you're awesome, I adore you. You're the woman I always dreamed of.
2. Does he make you a priority in his life? Guys have more than one priority...things very important to him but you should be one of top 3.
What he does for you or how he acts can't be faked easily because it's hard to lie with your body. Things he does without having to be asked, making dinner, picking up something for a collection you have, making time for you, even if it's a walk or a long phone chat. If the guy likes you, he'll make time for you at least a quarter of the time.
3 Does he tell friends about you and like to show you off? Have you been introduced to his family and friends? If he keeps you separate, he's hiding something or ashamed or fearful of something
4. Does he care about your pleasure during sex? Is he only into seeking his own pleasure or your's too. Does he open his eyes and want to have both your eyes connect while making love?
5. Does he respect and encourage you? Respect means, does he value your opinion, do you share decisions and treats you as a partner. Are you encouraged by him to have your own friends and hobbies outside the relationship and encourage you to seek your dreams and uphold you in that.
Jealousy is not love, it's control. It's okay to be protective, but jealousy shouldn't be what prompts the protectiveness
6. Do your friends and family like how he treats you? Others make a great gauge for judging a guys character.
7. Does he look at you with lust and passion in his eyes, with a hunger and thirst for you? Does he give you admiring looks, does he still want to sneak peeks down your shirt. What he sees is Very important since guys are visually stimulated. If he isn't looking anymore, he has lost his interest. All men because of this natural trait, will also view other women but do so discreetly, without being an ass about it. Don't expect a man to look at only you. If he doesn't look at other women at all, it may be a sign that he is gay. You do want a man who is visually stimulated by women.

How many points are true for you with your guy?
7 true He treats you as a Queen and he is an exceptional man
5-6 true He loves you. Just don't focus on what is lacking.
3-4 true He loves you enough to make the relationship work for him. If it's enough for you, then be content. If you feel like you're settling for less, let him go and look for something better.
1-2 true He's a douche-bag, a user or controller. Leave immediately.

I gathered info from all over the net and organized and put this info with my own clarifications added. So this isn't just what I did but a compilation of many giving the same advice.

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Hi. I am 22/F. I've been in an abusive relationship for 3 years of which I have a 2y old daughter of whom I have full custody. I broke up with my ex a month ago. I moved back to my mother, but I've started talking to my best friend(also my ex's best friend) and we just clicked. It's difficult to live with my mother because I am not used to it seeing that I lived with my ex for so long. And we also get along better if we don't see each other often. So I want to move in with him, but how do I tell my mom I am moving in with my ex's friend?
My mom is a difficult person and gets offended easily. I am scared to tell her because I do not want to disappoint her, but I really want to move. Please help?

As a Mom of children 7-10 years older than you, I can understand a Mom being overprotective when you have already gone through a bad experience. All we want is for you to not experience it again.

Funny thing about rules, is that some are hidden ones, like no matter your age, if you go to stay at the parents, it's their house, their rules you must obey as far as house rules. Only some parents will go overboard and try to include your choices for a school, or whom to get in a relationship with as also their right. Although childish, they can tell you if you date someone they don't like and you insist on dating the person anyways , that they will kick you out immediately. Again, it's their house you're living in so yes, they can give that ultimatum, as unfair as it may seem.

A mother has a hard job of waiting for her kids to ask for her advice and opinion and most won't, they will share with their adult kids, exactly what they think the child is doing wrong and what they should be doing. I have had so many times I wanted to tell my kids something and asked if they would like me to share my thoughts on something and they have said no. But recently a child had problems with an insurance company. Stuff she could avoid if she has known about how these things work, the hard way, as I did. But when she asked for help, I explained how the system worked and the fact that no matter who makes the mistake, the Dr/hospital billing or the insurance, the blame will always come back to you, unless you do all these steps and keep calling back every couple days for a few weeks to make sure they have the info correct. Its like you have to do the work of all those others, because the system is faulty and has lots of holes in it.
I am going to share something else with you now, not as a Mom but just something I've learned over the years. Something every human being is wired up to be like, and this concerns the brain and decision making. While most are unaware this situation exists, we at least recognize situations where someone else may have made decisions based on not enough good information and got themselves into trouble. That would be you in an abusive relationship. You may be a very intelligent person hon. I too felt I was,but I wasn't 25 or older yet. The frontal cortex of the brain is the last thing in a person to reach completion in growth. Before that decision making abilities are not so good with using a different part of the brain not meant to do that job. So decisions are just one thing of several that we are handicapped in doing well, until this part of the brain finishes growing. That means that even once an adult at 18, we are still not going to be able to make the best decisions for ourselves. Lots of a persons ability to make good decisions once older is being going through a mistake and then knowing and being able to explain what you learned from it. At 22, you are close enough that perhaps your cortex is complete. But I know from marrying at 20, that I didn't know as much as I thought I did. I had never been faced with dealing with a person who was verbally abusive 24/7. I stayed 30 years before finally leaving him. So in that, you are already ahead of me. Good for you. However if you can't show your mother in conversation that you have indeed learned something by what you share so she's not worried you'll repeat and end up with another bad guy, you will not see Mother giving you her blessing. I understand finances being tight and not having a place to live. After leaving my ex, I stayed with friends for a bit out of state, but came back when a grandchild was born. Stayed with family until they had to move and a guy I had met, I ended up moving in with, and he ended up as bad as my ex. This time however, instead of putting up with it, I told him the behavior was unacceptable. In retaliation he found another place and left me without notice holding the apt. for myself. This was my test of whether I had really learned my lesson after leaving my ex. Would I let him get away with the same behavior? I did not. I hope you see this from outside yourself, how others would view this. Other than leaving for self protection/preservation, there should also be something else you take with you, a knowledge of what clues a person like your ex gives, so you can break up immediately the first you notice it. I did internet dating to meet my 2nd husband.

In life, you will learn to understand why a person may act or react a certain way by placing yourself in their shoes. Then you might gain understanding of why they react as they do. And knowing its out of care for you, not trying to hurt but protect, as warped as it is considering you are an adult, it is what it is. This kind of stuff, as far as interacting with any human are things you will encounter quite often in life so best to learn how to imagine with your mind how to see yourself from the others point of view. This helps to not be angry with a person but understanding. You also learn to keep your ground if you feel thats best, without shoving it down someones throat. And if they yell at you trying to start a fight, it wont go anywhere if you don't join in, but remain calm.

I also understand not having a place to live. In my case, both parents though divorced were dead and I couldn't run home to parents. I was learning this all in my forties. It's hard for someone to know when to give up and some see it as admitting you made a mistake to leave almost everyone has a hard time admitting they did not make a good decision.
This will make my answer longer but a few things to help you know in future when to bug out if things go wrong again. First, all couple relationships are more successful if they have two things as the foundation: being each others best friend, and being each others sexual equal, meaning they see pretty much eye to eye on all that each wants to do. Most married couple for example have one or the other but not both. The results are those with matching sexual likes will have the hottest sex but outside of the bedroom, fight, disrespect and may be become abusive. Or they are the best of friends but what excitement they had when they met, New relationship energy, soon dissipates and becomes the feelings you'll truly have with the person the rest of your life. When meeting someone in the capacity of a relationship, its more than seeing the same barista every day, thats knowing their name but not all the stuff on who they are inside. So if only best friends and sex wasnt good or not at all, then one or both partners may want to get their satisfaction sexually outside the relationship and wouldnt dream of leaving their best friend but they break up when one or both are hurt over the partner having an affair.

Then there is the false persona to speak of. Many people do this, only a few dont. I used to when young but now I am myself. When meeting a person, people unwittingly with the subconscious create a persona that they feel will better impress you. Its not a conscious thought but we all do this. Some who are aware of this can benefit from knowing as I did. At first, I don't suspect anyone and treat all as if they are telling me the truth and acting as they say they are. But keeping up the false persona is hard, takes make energy even if you aren't aware you are doing it. Thats why after lets say 5 to 6 times meeting each other, parts of the real self start to slip out the cracks so to speak. After my divorce, while meeting guys before I met my sweet dear 2nd husband, I met some great guys, but there was no chemistry, I met guys I thought were good but after about 5 to 6 dates, they were so comfortable with me they showed their true selves to me, lied to me and as soon as I saw this, I knew it would be just a short time before the bad behavior they were doing would be targeted at me rather than some other hapless stranger. Ilearned from my ex what it looks like, those clues I had excused away in my mind. I wish now I'd had people like me telling me all of this when I was younger as I might not have married him, or left him a lot sooner. By the way, even if a child is unharmed physically, and not the target emotionally, how a man treats their mother is important and will affect their adult lives. So i have a child who divorced a great guy, only to marry a guy whose Dad is a psychopath, and he is exhibiting behavior himself all his life of a sociopath. I got this from his own Mom. Another was too fearful of Dads booming voice and yelling so she won't marry, doesn't want kids, and choose a bf who is very quiet, soft spoken and lets her do as she wishes and is easily talked into doing what she wants to keep the peace. Its like he's just another pet for her. So keep in mind if there is anything bad in the new relationship, don't let it go on and on, as it will affect your child, even as a toddler and preschool. They still pick up on things because children are watching and trying to copy parents. Some children become as abusive to Mom as Dad as because its all they know and think it is normal behavior. You can't make decisions based only on yourself any more. Have a good talk with Mom. Any suggestions you hate, just state you'll think about it, that avoids arguments. And if you aren't get ting good advice or understanding from Mom, think of another adult you're comfortable with and its a bonus if they know you well. Best wishes.

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Back in October of 2019, I was going through a pretty difficult time- my uncle had a wedding coming up and I'd just graduated secondary school (I'm in the UK) and moved into sixth form, which was pretty overwhelming initially, because there was a lot going on at once. I made a new online friend around this time and I really got along well with her and it was just so nice because I have always struggled with friendships and making friends before because hardly anyone took me seriously and people tended to just view me as a joke rather than an actual person- they used to mock me all the time thinking I wouldn't understand and used to make fun of me for having autism- so having this online friendship just felt really special, especially because me and her had some pretty similar experiences with certain stuff with regards to bullying and that sort of things, it felt like we understood each other, and those early days of our friendship just felt really special. Over time, I developed romantic feelings for her (this was back in May when my feelings started to develop) and I was so nervous to ask her out, even though we got along great. In the September, I told her that there was something I wanted to share with her and I kept trying and trying to share it but to no avail. This was difficult because I'd never asked anyone out before, so I was very nervous (I had two major crushes in the past but both of them ended up being horrible people in the end so I'm glad I didn't ask either of them out). Anyway, back to my online friend, we used to send each other blue hearts all the time just to show that we were there for each other if either of us was going through a difficult time, which symbolised a strong friendship. Once I told her I had something to share with her (but before I shared it), she started sending blue hearts more often and kept promising me she wouldn't judge anything about it and that she'd be honest, and she was being really nice about it. I thought she was one of the loveliest people I'd ever come across. I finally shared it on the 3rd January this year, she said no and that she wasn't looking for a relationship right now because she was trying to focus on her education and her mental health. She handled it pretty respectfully at first and promised me it wouldn't change mine and her's friendship. That was all fine, and then 12 days later (so the 15th) after she'd told me earlier that week that she was still busy and still struggling, she let me know that she was going on a date with someone. She may have told a white lie just to avoid hurting me but the fact that she lied to me about it hurts me more. I don't think she realizes how much she means to me as a person- so part of me was jealous, part of me was hurt, part of me was happy for her, and part of me was worried- I was just feeling a whole mixture of emotions. I'm still really upset by it a month on- the rejection in itself was fine, the fact she lied hurts me more. I asked her to explain about it, since she supposedly 'didn't have time' to date anyone just 12 days earlier (if the issue was just distance or just that she specifically wasn't interested in me she could have just said so), and she then told me that from September to December (practically the whole time I was trying to share my feelings with her) she was on dating apps, and that she went back on the apps after I asked her about being in a relationship. That's interesting for someone who supposedly 'wasn't looking for a relationship with anyone'- she just happened to be on dating apps both *just* before and *just* after I asked her out, just not during that timeframe... I don't mind the fact that she wasn't interested, the fact she lied is what hurts me more. Unless she was talking to the guy she went on a date with before I shared my message with her, I don't get why she'd lie- how do you go from being 'too busy' for a relationship, only to have time to go on a date 12 days later? And obviously they would've had to have been speaking to each other for a while before agreeing to a date, so what she's said hasn't added up. And then also, ever since I asked her out, even though she promised me it wouldn't change our friendship, she seems to want nothing to do with me anymore and most of what she says comes across as hurtful, bullying and insulting. Do you think that's because she may have been talking to the gentleman in question already before I asked her out so just tried to cover it up by saying she wasn't looking for any relationships, and using mental health and education as an excuse to turn me down? Now again ,I don't mind that she wasn't interested, but I think after how long it took me to share it and how hard she knew I was trying to share it, I at least deserved the full truth, and I didn't get that. And she's just had a very bad, hostile attitude towards me ever since, and it's bringing back bad memories for me. And also, I noticed that she seems to have grown a lot in self-confidence lately (which is good for her and I'm happy), but she just feels like a different person to the friend I had before and I miss the old one. I miss the shy introverted insecure girl I fell in love with- I remember when I first started talking to her (before any feelings even developed) I always felt like I could connect to her a little bit more because of that, but I feel she's become too easily influenced by others now and it's sad to see what's happened to her. The early days of mine and her's friendship, everything was just so heartfelt and it honestly makes me strangely emotional to see how far she's come but I miss the old her, and I just miss her friendship in general. She's been a different person since I asked her out. Maybe me asking her out is what caused her confidence to increase but the truth is her lack of confidence is what made me fall in love with her in the first place, and I just miss the old her. The nice, shy one, not the rude lying one with a bad attitude. I'm really upset that she lied and it feels like a huge betrayal especially since she promised me she'd be 100% honest with it, and I was trying for months to share it- the least I could have asked for was the full truth and I didn't get the truth, which has really upset me. I wish I could go back to the early days of mine and her's friendship- no romantic feelings there, just genuine admiration for her, just pure friendship, and that's been gone for a while (even before I asked her out) those early days of her friendship were just really special and she means an awful lot to me because she came into my life at a really difficult and overwhelming time, so I'm really upset that she lied to me and that she seems to hate me at the moment. I think it's clear from what I'm typing that I still really care about her feelings; I just wish she cared about mine enough not to lie. Is it bad that I feel so betrayed by her? Honestly, I still love the girl as a friend, but she doesn't seem to want to be friends anymore, and it's just sad to see the change in her as a person. She's just not the same person anymore, and what I worry about is, especially since she's easily influenced by others, that she'll be pressured into doing stuff or thinking a certain way that she doesn't feel comfortable with. I'd like to think that might be what happened here but honestly I think it's the opposite- I think she might have been putting on an act initially and that it's only recently her true colours have come out, but I don't know. Can anyone offer any input on this situation because I'm very upset by it and it's the most painful friendship I've ever lost, especially seeing as I haven't had many friendships over the years and I thought I finally had a true friend, but I guess she was just a more convincing actor than the others. I'll never forget her honestly, but I just miss my old friend, she's just a different person now unfortunately.

Its time to learn about the false persona or fake identity syndrome. Thats what I call it, no idea what the professional name is but its all about when first meeting someone, humans have an inclination to put their best foot forward or make a terrific impression on the person we want to make a good impression on. Another human trait is to be highly critical of ourselves. Another is to hide the truth. And these all come together and give you people who seem so wonderful when you first meet but then seem to change into people who are not like that at all. It sure sounds to me like something like that with this girl. Then you also have the uphill battle of dealing with a relationship only on line which are very limited in being able to truly get to know a person to see if they are someone you could truly enjoy the company of for a friendship, more than friends, maybe a life long love relationship. The only thing you can learn, and I learned, is that you discover how another person thinks, tells stories, a great sense of humor and thats about it. You can't learn if you both will have chemistry because that can only be found by being in each others presence. For example, I met my second husband on line, knew about fake personalities and had gone out with a few guys who turned out to be rotten. But what you can see in person that you dont see online is how a person consistently reacts in situations. No ones like when the unsuspected happens but as an example, I would tell myself, no use crying about spilled mile which I actually say as 'getting worked up, crying or mad will not change the situation, as it has already happened. A lesser person in their frustration will simply lash out with their frustrations on the nearest, closest person they know so often it will be their partner. I got this in first marriage. The second one, not at all. While we both may get irritated at something not going as planned, or other disappointments, we never have attacked each other, or been dishonest in any way. Dumping your frustrations on another and blaming them is the childish way to deal with such situations. There is a better way and my path chooses to look for something I can learn in every situation, even when my ex verbally abused me our entire marriage. When I was ready to leave that marriage, I didn't hide away for fear of meeting another bad guy, I looked for what I had learned. I learned to stand up for myself, make decisions that would best help me in life, and I learned how to spot all the bad behavior in a person from the earliest of clues. The clues were there, but in my naivity, I thought the bad behaviors were just few and random and excused every one, oh he had a hard day, moneys tight so he's irritated.

Going back to the false identity, its something most humans do, I used to when younger, but now I show myself as I am to people. If you like what you see, great. If you don't, you can walk away early on and it won't bother me. It takes a tremendous amount of personal energy to deal with and keep a false identity going. Its more than just remembering what to say if lying, its all in the acting the part. A persons actions, when consistent, show who they really are, good or wrong for you. Someone using a false identity eventually runs out of this energy to keep it up 100% and you will begin to see slip ups that show bits of their real self, oozing out of the cracks in the persona they show you. So, yes, everyone can be fooled in the beginning. But eventually at the point when glimpses of their real self show through, that the point at which you or me, need to evaluate, was that really their real self and not bad, just a surprise, or is it behavior that would hurt a relationship. I will share a story to show you how this is possible. I did online dating site to meet people. I always only met on line but went straight to meeting in person for coffee, a way to sense if there is some chemistry, which can't be picked up because I am talking of that which makes a person attracted to another and often its how similar their own pheromones smell to each other, something we aren't conscious of since its not a scent our noses pick up on consciously, just sub consciously. Other than liking how a person thinks, their sense of humor which are the only things a person can truly pick up on line, even a persons sense of caring about you is just the verbal level, not the doing anything level as could be done in person. I met this guy I'll call Steve, for coffee. It went well so we made another date. We both liked antiques so we made a trip to a town with lots of tourist shops. We had several other dates, out in public, to be safe, by time I figured he was a nice person, he asked me to come to his home for the first time, for dinner. I think because I was willing to meet him for more than one or two dates, he felt I had fallen for him, so subconsciously, he was feeling safe to start being himself and it was a doozy. The moment I walked in the door, he said, "Please excuse the terrible mess my house is in," where I was shocked as it was spotless and well decorated, better than one could hope for in a guy. But he wasn't done as he finished with racial slurs telling me his maid was responsible and was lazy and other stuff. It alarmed me as my ex did the same, talk about others behind their backs, and would say things about you in public and in front of you to others, that was demeaning, disrespectful,and so on. The fact his house could be so clean and he thought it messy showed me he was very anal about everything, he had a higher standard than others could ever reasonably meet, nothing is good enough for him, and he was very critical, racist, etc. I pretended all was well because I knew all too well from my ex how anything one might say that tried to make light of how his home looked or address the racial slurs would only incite him, like fuel poured on a fire and this guy was acting agitated, so I stayed for dinner, went home and never called him back. When he did call, I said I gave it my best shot but I still didnt feel any chemistry, a term that works as explanation to guys whether true or not, because they can relate to lack of chemistry. I did not want to anger him and have him stalk me, trying for revenge. I had one such date, again all well until a movie night at his place. We drove to the video store to pick up movies in his car. I made it plain I didnt want to date someone who smoked as I am allergic in my reactions to smoke plus I didnt want 2nd hand smoke. I saw it as cruel to date, have a guy fall for me and then tell him he had to quit smoking which I knew from family and friends is very hard. He covered up the fact he smoked telling me the stale cigarette odor in vehicle was his son, who drove the car alot. then halfway through our movie watching, he got up, patted himself down,feeling comfortable being home and sure I was so into him I could forgive the fact he smoked that he pulled out a pack of cigarettes and froze in horror at what he had just done out of habit. I confronted him, nicely though, letting him know that this wasn't going to work out between us and he sent hateful phone messages afterward. Having seen yourself fooled by her by what I am guessing in close to a year or slightly over, has me wondering what signs you did not see, or noticed but attributed it to something else. The fake persona doesnt go on forever or long term as it is so exhausting to keep up. Usually it depends how often you are interacting with a person. So if its several times a week, by the end of a month, you'll have witnessed some slip ups. You may not have seen them as such, but it would be different than what you have seen so far. I can not believe that she is the only one who is able to successfully fool people with a fake persona for so long. So go back in memory and see what you can come up with. Until you are able to see the beginning of questionable behavior in the person, you won't be ready for
dating without possibility of being hurt.

She most certainly was lying to you, the time frame in which it all happened shows she switched her story too quickly. Hey that happens in life over and over. It can be a neighbor, co worker, some service provider, cashier, etc. who purposely are keeping the truth from you for whatever their reasons. Females are more emotional in reactions than men, and its possible she thought that telling you she found someone else would hurt too much and make your cry and mope around as a female would. Men can hurt and cry, yes, but I still must say, they have it together better than females who stay stuck in the emotions while a guy is more willing to wade through the emotions and find out if there is anything that could have been done better on either side. You are doing this, reflecting on your experience. You miss who she was earlier. Just think about what aspects those are, the ones you liked, put them in a list to help remind you later. Then you look for someone who seems to have the same qualities. As well, any aspects of a personality, being untruthful, lying and so on, those go on another list of what you are trying to avoid.Remember how the fancy wrapped Christmas presents made you think there was something really special inside and that wasn't always true, it might just be a set of matching hat, scarf and mittens which seem too ordinary for the fancy outside. People you are attracted to are like the fancy packages you see and what little you can pick up on, but there is still who they are on the inside to discover. So even if you are first to reach out to someone, only to find they are not right as they accidentally reveal their real selves, you must keep on searching. You did not make a mistake. The only mistake, which I did make, is in staying with such a person once they have revealed who they really are. There is no win-win if a relationship is such that both people are not willing to admit if they mess up, and a willingness to always be a better person every day, something you learn or do that make you a better person. I was willing to change, my ex was not, still isn't and I have watched 3 relationships he tried afterwards crumble and the women left him. They stayed the longest. Others have stayed a shorter time, long enough to see his real self come through, put up with only a short time, before finally giving up, thus relationships that instead of years, end after 6 months or up to a year.
All this I shared to help you in the future. Now I must share one more thing which you did not mention as a problem as you don't see it as one. I speak from experience since I have used the computer to meet people in the past, especially dating sites. Even though I wanted to avoid 'theater of the mind'. in just a few days of chatting online or phone before meeting in person, my mind began to imagine and fill in the things I had no idea how it would be by acting scenes of us together and how that would seem. But I could tell I was so excited and hopeful with one guy I talked to but totally disappointed when we met in person after a week. He wanted a restaurant instead of coffee shop for first meet. I was appalled at how unhealthy he ate, never cooked for himself, eating out only, and said he had no concern about dieing of heart attack or diabetes or something, saying if it was his time to go, he'd go. But I couldn't feel secure starting a relationship with him when he wasn't concerned enough about his health to make better choices. He was overweight and the chemistry was too weak and there were other disappointments. So this theater of the mind is something we all do even if we are aware of it, as I was. So meeting someone on line whom you've never met in person does not have much success rate. Another reason is that a single person is more likely to meet an interesting person in real life, even if they weren't looking for them. Then in comparing an internet love to the one face to face, the latter wins over as there is way more input from them this way rather than on line where its not a matter of not doing, some things are not possible. For example, how does one feel the hug or kiss? You have to imagine it. A 'hugs to you' with a teddy bear hugging gif, just won't cut it for me. In real life, a good long hug will transfer the feel good hormones needed to keep a person from depression of those hormones.
Lastly, I never had many friends when younger. I don't have Autism so I can't say its the same but either way, I was different in that I had social anxiety then. I don't have now, I had to work at getting over it. I just wasn't interesting for anyone to want to talk to if I wouldn't make eye contact at first, be willing to talk, never laughed. Yes, Autism may be a factor, and I understand there are several kinds. My 2nd husband has a light case of it. It exhibited as a baby, not able to be held by his mother due to the intensity of he feelings he picked up on and those hurt and bothered him. As a child he learned how to deal with his differences and blend into society so no one knows how he started out. I only see it pop up if something is repetitive for too long, then it starts to hurt, such as my playing with his hair or even absently stroking his shoulder while doing something else like read or watch TV. hen all of a sudden he's going 'Ow, ow, that hurts, stop please'. I had a girlfriend in HS who has Aspergers. She was always talking telling me stories, most of which I'd heard before, but instead of telling her she'd already told me that one, I would listen to it again. The once I told her I'd heard her tell me that already, it was as if I said notiinsince I was able to handle that one thing, we were able to be friends and spend lots of time together. So I can't say having Autism scares anyone away. Maybe shallow people will be bugged by that. But there is a chance there is something else you can improve on if in general you have difficulty making friends. If you have any kind of difficulty socially then you may want to hear how I got over my social anxiety and see if what I did, might help you a bit, or not at all, you know yourself best. But if you want to see that, you'd have to ask me to send it, as I have talked long enough here for one time. If you write again, then this time to make a request to me, interact only with me, you'd have to look me up under the search for advice givers and look for dragonfly magic. Once on my site, there is a button to click to write to me. good luck

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I'm a 17 year old guy and this all happened 2-4 years ago (so when I was between the ages of 13-15) but recently it's been back on my mind for some reason, and I never opened up to my parents about it at the time and I'm unsure how to address it because if I bring it up now, they might get annoyed by the fact that I didn't bring it up to them at the time. The reason I didn't bring it up at the time though is because one of the people who was bullying me was formerly my best friend so my parents knew his family well, and so I thought they wouldn't believe me. But recently, it's been on my mind more again (because I've had a falling-out with another falling out with a friend recently- don't worry, nothing malicious went on there, she recently just lied about something pretty major), and I'm feeling like I need to open up to my parents about what happened with the bullying even though I know it's in the past now. I keep asking them if I can show them some stuff that's bugging me on social media, and I do show them pages that bug me and stuff like that, but really, what I truly want to talk about is the bullying I experienced but I can't quite bring myself to talk about it unfortunately.

Also unrelated, but the friend I fell out with recently (not the bully, but the female friend who lied about a very major thing), do you think we'll be on good terms again at some point? Because I'm struggling to forgive that person (who hasn't even apologized for lying)- I made a couple of mistakes, owned up to them, said sorry, but she hasn't admitted to her mistakes or apologized at all. I don't want to talk too much about what happened there though because I think that's better as its own post.

My main question is just how do I open up to my parents about the guy who bullied me? Me and him used to be best friends and my parents know his family really well, so might not believe that he bullied me, so I'm a little worried about their reactions, and if they do believe me, I'm worried they'll be annoyed that I kept it in and bottled up for so long.

Sometimes parents are the best to go to with an issue and other times, it feels they let you down cus they just don't get it. I can't say how they will react. Part of you feeling you don't know how to approach them might possibly be your subconscious trying to tell you not to, because of how the parents have reacted all your life to you or/and others. If they are consistently always the same and its good stuff, like patience, good listening, etc instead of discounting what you say or saying things that don't help, then you should feel no fear to approach them.

On another note, there is so much taught to kids these days regarding Bullying that I am afraid that something one sees as bullying is not actually bullying. I am one like that, I had social anxiety and if someone was just trying to make a joke to get me to smile or laugh, it scared me, thinking they were picking on me, belittling, speaking mean, . . .
Now that I am an adult and looking back as one who's overcome my anxiety, my responses are laughter, catching the subtle fun poked from a stern face which joins me in laughter as they realize they made me laugh. I realize each time it happens that as a child and teen, I would have responded in silence, maybe even moving away because I thought I was being verbally bullied, long before bullying was addressed by the public and in schools. So I am only saying you may require another perspective from adults. The best choice is parents but if the parents aren't a good choice if they are irresponsible people themselves, it is best to choose another adult to talk to about it. Its not something that must be addressed only by your parents. Perhaps a school counselor, (They hear all of this kind of stuff all the time, nothings new) a favorite teacher you have chit chatted with and are comfortable with, and also perhaps the parents of a close friend whose house you are at often and who show a genuine interest in interacting with you. You know they care. This would be my first choice but any is okay. You could try many different adults to see if you get the same response each time.

There are people every day who do not tell of something that happened to them, just because of fear. Fear of not being taken seriously, or being blamed as the problem, or ridiculed. I had to learn that other peoples actions and reactions do not reflect on me, won't change me, I am in charge of my life and I need to learn to make the best decisions for myself. Heres something I learned that I found helpful in life when fearful.
I recently heard song lyrics that spoke of a leap of fear, rather than the well known 'leap of faith'. However that saying is simply incorrect. One cannot have faith about how something turns out unless you have experienced a little something to give you a little faith, enough to take the right step next time without fear. I have always felt fear, not faith when just facing and doing that which I fear. Afterwards I find it wasn't all that bad as I imagined. The mind is great at imagining the worst and fearing. But fear is like the harmless puffer fish that will blow itself up in size to scare away predators. Its in facing ones fears, taking that leap while fearful that brings on the revelation that there was nothing really to fear. Even when I don't get a favorable reaction from a friend or sibling, I will share with others and see if the majority all see things differently than my friend or sibling and then I must check it out to see why. Maybe there is something I can learn there about the way humans act, interact, ...

As for keeping things bottled up, children and teens come with a built in ability to find ways to bury any bad experiences they undergo so they can live a relatively good existence. However, by time most are young adults, and some may find it happens sooner, towards end of teen years, our minds are ready to deal with those things we couldn't handle before. Yes, this is a real thing all people do, you can do a search for scientific proof of this. So if you are 17, you did what you had to do to deal with in a non dealing way, by burying it inside deep. However once old enough to handle and learn by it for the future, your body and mind are ready to deal with it, some people will have thoughts and memories about the event pop up and not go away. This is the signal telling you to deal with it so it can go away without any hurt fear or pain to the memories. Some people react beyond thoughts but start up strange behaviors, the kind that end with the person showing up before a counselor. Its your time to share now and you have a scientific reason why. Also if they find in comparison they wouldn't feel like you, cus its to insignificant, a good answer would be to say, I am glad that such things wouldn't traumatize you but all people are different so what bothers one person won't bother another, same as what is one mans trash is another man's treasure. Hope this helps you take the next step.

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I have been going through a really tough time. My serious relationship of 3 yeas ended. The guy ditched me just before marriage. This my 3rd relationship failure. I'm 32. People around me are getting married and kids. I don't have many friends. I'm alone ans cry everyday. My confidence is shaking. I don't hv anyone to share my deepest feelings. I regret many things in life. I feel anxiety thinking about

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Oh you poor thing! I can understand why you feel as you do. I had to learn also to see failures as a good sign rather than so bad. I am no longer married to the guy I married at age 20 but stuck around close to 30 years. Glutton for punishment? No. Just very loyal and forgiving.I used to be too self conscious, shy, social anxiety, lacking self confidence and those things can be killers to any relationship, friend or lover. I have learned alot since then, unfortunately I'm now in my 60s but I can at least share my experiences in hopes it won't take as long in others. I am a social person and so it helps to have my special someone to talk to, especially when considering what its like for others who live alone and are single, during this pandemic time. Okay, so something helpful to tell you . . .?
When choosing a partner, one must think of the foundation of the relationship,which for romantic couples, lovers and life companions,it is a foundation of only two things. One is being best of friends and the second is having that attraction and sexual chemistry. Both are very important but most couples today break up because they have only one of those. If a relationship lacks friendship, one or both will treat each other like crap, fight all the time and the only time they do well in when having their hot sex in bed. Then some couples get together having friendship and treat each other well. Because of how well they treat each other, they stay even if they find the initial interest they showed in each other wasn't strong enough and not the real thing to sustain a romantic/sexual relationship. The reason for this mistake is people who feel NRE, new relationship energy at the beginning. This feeling of energy is so real, its the same as the excitement you had as a kid to a new Christmas toy you wanted but over a pretty short time, you find you no longer had interest in it. People who felt NRE in the beginning, later will nothing, no emotions for their companion. Then frustration builds until one or both start having affairs to take care of their sexual needs but stay together because they are best friends and don't want to hurt each other with a divorce. This is the more common situation, being best friends and not lovers. In case one is waiting for marriage to have sex, you can still tell if you are attracted sexually to each other, by the way you feel when near each other, your hormones are always screaming for attention when close, and something like a kiss is really telling. Either you'll feel butterflies and excitement and all sorts of good feelings when you kiss, or the kiss doesn't bring up any exciting feelings, but you can tolerate it, or the kiss feels so gross as if just kissed by a male relative, same goes in reverse, a man feeling he is kissed romantically by someone like his mom...usually theres an ick factor in there and obviously the gal is not going to choose to be with him but that is the more rare situation and most fall into the middle, not enough good matching sexually, no good chemistry but not grossed out by the person. So if sex is regular and okay enough to take care of urges, a young man may continue to go ahead with a relationship. Or there are not enough things in common. All people are drawn to certain personality types, several differing ones but there are also the ones with whom one deep down knows they could be with too long or they go nuts.

So if you have 3 relationships that ended, the reason for the endings would be good to know to help you best. All I know is that universally speaking, people in break ups always both carry some responsibility in it not working. In my case with my ex, my mistake was not what I did to him, sins of commission but what I omitted, at the start. I waited for a guy to show interest in me rather than choosing a guy who looked promising and inviting him out, I did not have a frank talk when he first mentioned marriage, and find out how he felt about anything that would be a deal breaker to me, meaning if he doesn't have it, he will not be considered as bf or husband material. I wanted kids and he wanted to put off long enough to discourage me from wanting and giving up. Finally after 7 yrs of marriage, we had a child and later two more. Once over his fear of being able to provide with the first he was okay thank God. But some come from big families and had to take care of and practically help raise their siblings and are sick of it. I know a person will feel differently when holding their own child but that is something hard to imagine. So that is a good example of what to talk about. Guys are afraid to tell a gal the truth because they sense or have witnessed how she handles unexpected or bad news and fear having a sobbing weeping female on their hands if they split up. So its really only when reaching the point of no return, such as close to a wedding date or at the alter, that a guy who is not 'in love' with the person but merely loves some aspects of them, will take off running because subconsciously they truly feel you both are not the most perfect match.

I can address the lack of friends but that has to do with anxieties, too introverted, shy, and no self confidence which many never grow out of as they get older. I made a choice my last HS year to change and become outgoing and gain confidence. Part is what I believe I heard in prayer. But then you know, we all second guess in that kind of situation, did I really hear right. I did as I was told, step by step at my own pace. Years later I picked up a book at library by a psychologist talking of a different way to handle fears or lack of something and the recipe in his book to shed my fears of people and anxieties socially was exactly the same as what I heard years before in prayer. I will post that here soon. You do know that if theres a problem you're having with guys, that it could be more due to what you are or aren't doing or its what he is doing. (Please excuse if we're talking same sex as I always use he and she, when not knowing both sexes.) Your only problem might be having choosen the wrong guy, not once but three times. That was my situation with first man. The guy I'm with now is perfect for me, my Mr. Right, in love with me, and yes, we both say and do things we wish the other didn't do, but realize we each have our own set of bad habits we struggle with, and choose to be more understanding of each other. We enjoy each others company, and are best of friends as well as lovers. If anyone asked me today who my best friend is, it's him I would answer them with.


How to find Mr. Right

I went through this search in my late forties after an almost 30 yr marriage to a man who was never in love with me, verbally abusive and not my sexual match. I was ready to finally find Mr Right and what I believe I heard while praying, is that I had to make several lists and refine them as I went along.

First, how well do you know yourself? I used a dating site 2nd time around. It worked for me to find my true love. However, to fill out a profile for yourself, or to really describe yourself in a convo in person, your personality and who you are at core, is hard to do, like writing about your work strengths in a resume. So this is just as important as a resume only more so. You can easily leave a job that doesn't work out. Its much harder with a boyfriend or husband. So its best to be able to describe yourself well for those few you meet who may be promising. This is not just those met online but any you meet in person as you're out and about. They will have something specific they are looking for as well and need to be able to recognize the possibility that you may be the one for them. At least, hopefully they will, if not, they may not recognize that you are the one for him and that is too bad for him. You want a guy who sees the real you inside too and will know he wants you, the whole package. You'll need this list or bio on yourself before you can form the list of what you are looking for in a guy.

So, ask yourself what it is in life that lights you up, makes you not just happy but content and feeling fulfilled. Ask yourself what is or are the passions deep inside that push you to seek out certain hobbies, pastimes, certain people with the same?

I'll give you an example. One of the things that make me passionate about certain things in life is that I am a nurturing person deep at core. This nurturing desire needs to be expressed and has been through several different avenues. For one, being a mother and raising my kids, now grandkids, loving planting and tending a garden, and yes, giving advice in an advice column. All of these things require a person driven by nurture, such as my wanting to be of help to you, to see you break free of whatever is holding you back in life or keeping you unhappy.

Once you have defined yourself with some really good descriptive words or scenerios, you will be drawing on this list to make a specific list of criteria of what is most important in a guy.
If you need help with the list of yourself, please just ask me and I will help.

Now, for the list of what you feel is Mr. Right for you.
Actually, there will be two lists. A list of Must Haves, things which if missing are a deal breaker because they are that important to you. Do not let any guy tell you that your criteria is extremely unreasonable. I got that often. It means the guy can't meet your criteria, can't meet your Must Haves and wants you to lower your standard for them and they don't give a crap about who you are and why these are your criteria. A deal breaker would be “I want a guy who wants to have kids” “I want a guy who isn't afraid to commit, settle down and marry” “I want a guy who is open minded spiritually and will allow me to believe whatever I do without trying to convert me to his belief” “I want a guy who never raises his voice to me and is able to calmly talk things out.” “I want a guy who isn't a smoker or recreational drug user”.
I for example am very allergic to cigarette smoke or the lingering odor of it. Guys who smoked met with me pretending at first that they didn't. Sitting across a table at a restaurant first time, I couldn't pick it up but when riding in their car on a later date it was heavy cigarette odor in there. He claimed he didn't smoke, it was from his son who uses the car but later by habit pulled out a cigarette and felt it was okay to lie to me cus I might fall in love once I got to know him and the cigarette smoke wouldn' t matter. It mattered that strongly to me and pissed off a couple guys real badly but you have to stick with what you want. Sticking with your needs, not lowering standards, helps to eliminate guys with major character faults, such as being inconsistent, liars, cheaters, etc....

Do not worry that this is extreme. In fact it has been found in tests done that men (the good ones worth having) are attracted to a woman who knows what she wants, a woman who will stick by it without making excuses or apologizing for it, not afraid to ask for or state what she wants. This attitude is basically having a strong self confidence and self confidence in a woman is what made these good men choose the confident woman over the model types in looks in a test case study.

The other list is the what you want, like the icing on the cake. It is not a need or requirement but would be nice. This list you don't share with the guy. Its for yourself in case you find several guys who meet all the criteria of your other list, to help you choose from among them.
So here is where you find things like, he likes to go dancing, he is a musician or sings well, he likes gardening, has interest in meditation, has long hair, has a 6 pack. I listed that I wanted a man who was height and weight proportionate. This means maybe there might be some chub but basically they will look reasonably okay without looking like a body builder. These things are not deal breakers to me, but if they are to you, then they're in the wrong list. This list is things you would like to see but if you don't get them, you can live without it, for the rest of your life.

I promise, these lists will help. You'll also refine it or think of things to add as you run across guys or problems that you didn't think needed to be in a list. Then if not using a dating site and posting these out there right in the beginning, at least on a 2nd date if a guy asks you out twice, (means he is reasonably interested in you) tell him you have something important you need to share with him. It's important to you. Then recite your list to him. If afraid you may leave something important off, have copies of your list in your purse to hand out to a guy. If he looks at you like this must be a joke or asks such, keep calm and smile nicely and let him know that you are very serious and have resorted to this measure because simply going out with just random guys in the past and into a relationship resulted in the wrong guy each time. It is okay to give examples if he asks. Make no excuses. If he gets upset or has a problem with any of your criteria, you could ask him why, but you can't rely at this early stage whether he may be telling the truth or not to get you to trust him and lower your standards. It is best to tell him you've decided to not consider him, as if he was an applicant for a job and his resume just isn't enough to get the position of 'boyfriend'. Think of yourself as your own human resources manager, looking for the perfect applicant for the available position of 'boyfriend.' Obviously, you will have to turn away many hopefuls. I even had some guys beg me to choose them by the end of a first time meet up. That killed it. Spoke volumes of them feeling insecure, wimpy as males, and having low self esteem, all of which I wished to avoid.

Thats it on that but if you want to hear hints on how to boost self confidence easy, or if you feel you might have social anxiety or even just too shy, let me know as those are two more documents I can paste in.

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Gosh, being bi is so confusing and it tears me apart thinking about it, my friends, a lot of them are homophobic. It sucks to know that even if I ever gather up the courage to come out, I’ll be alone. I don’t want to be involved w/homophobic people because I’m literally bi and also, i have a moral compass. But I’m too scared to be alone without them. Especially hazel, she’s the closest to me but because of “her religion” (in her words) she’s one of those “I dOn’T aGrEe wItH thE lIfeStylE” but it’s so complicated. Is it just religion? Is that even a justifiable reason? But it fricking sucks knowing my closest friends of 4 yrs would leave me just because I like girls (and boys).... I guess in the end, my question is as simple as, what should I do?

I knew a few woman who through my neighbor, a female who was bi, and they were bi. I am not but accepting of all people. I can say that there is hope. Now none of the women I met were teen or college age, but any age older, most were married and had a kid or two. I did ask and some said the husband was very understanding, would take the wife to a club for gay people where it is easier to find a partner than out in regular life. Or the women had ads on the internet in dating sites for gay, or transgender, bi, and so on. The internet is a good place for specific dating sites such as the one for senior citizens to date or for Christians only. I have seen sites for those who are LGBTQ. I learned from these women that most had interest in only one man, their husband and were not attracted to any other men but women were the exception and they would be attracted to many women over time. You are not going to find those who understand in your current group and it is not your job to convince them otherwise just because they are your friends. Unless you are in your thirties or older and know for sure that you will always be bi, it may be better for you to experiment with bi friends. There are bi people in some swing clubs, in gay bars or other such venues, on the inter net and thats all I can think of other than some groups of pagans and I have heard stories, can't say its true, of bi women accepted in the SCA, Society for Creative Anachronism but not sure I believe that. Some of the bi women talked about having house parties to invite women who were 'bi curious'. I asked about that and found that women who are pretty sure they are bi, and even others who are pretty sure they aren't, all still wanted to know what it was like for bi women and I was told that the non bi simply watched women having sex with each other, and very few actually participated. You might want to see if you can find these kinds of females and strike up a friendship, have your sexual experiences with them and decide if you are still sure about being bi.
The argument of religion is taken from some verses in the Bible. What I do know scientifically is that it can be proven that being gay or bi isn't a choice as is argued, but people are born that way. Farmers raising livestock have known for as long as there have been farmers that even among animals you will find a natural desire to go after the same sex. So while not the majority, having different sexual desires is not unheard of or weird, just less common. I used to attend a church totally against any one who identifies as LGTBQ, but now go elsewhere, where homosexuality is accepted and those people welcome. Once I learned that fact that animals also can be gay, I realised all the arguments can't hold wster any better than a bucket full of holes. Many in the church simply blindly believe what they are told, which is dangerous, as thats how untruths are passed on to the people, and they will believe just because they assume its from the Bible or that the Pastor/Priest can never be mistaken and only always relay the truth. I do not try to change anyones belief on LGTBQ. Thats Gods job with each individual. Just know that there are others like you out there. Eventually, you could have a group of like minded friends, but also keep your straight friends group, and hang with them, just not for sex or even debating the subject.

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So I met this person at my college last year from a small Bible study group we have on campus. I met the group during my second semester and have been participating with them since then. One of the members I found admirable because of his high level or intelligence both on religious topics as well as other topics in general. I don’t have a vehicle, so two of the members would rotate giving me rides to church since we all lived in the same general area. One of them moved, so this year it had just been one person taking me. I live in the dorms now, so our dorms are right beside each other, so no one has to pick me up or anything. The whole time I had thought he had a crush on this one girl in our group and I found out I was right, but she had turned him down. I hate to admit it, but I’ve started liking this guy and I’m trying not to. I’m like 2 1/2 years older than him and a lot of guys don’t like older girls. Not to mention he likes someone I’m friends with. I’m pretty sure these feelings are one-sided, but I need some advice on how to avoid having them develop anymore? I don’t catch feelings too easily, but with my anxiety and ocd I know that this’ll just end in disaster. This person has become a pretty close friend of mine and I don’t want my feelings to mess up anything

There are people who will always be attracted to someone who doesn't feel the same way back. As a female, I had many males attracted to me but only maybe a handful I liked enough to have a friends with benefits thing with, although I was hoping to find that one with whom it wasn't just a benefit with a friend but a friend where both of us were also sexually attracted to. I have met plenty really hot looking guys yet felt nothing because the chemistry just wasn't there. You already like a few traits of his. So you admire him naturally as any person would on finding good traits in a person they know. When single though, we all tend to, (I did this when young a single) examine closely every possible single person we know to see if they might like us enough to have a relationship and then, hopefully fall fully in love and marry. It seems to be the wish and hope of most young women, but the harder we try, the worse it can get sometimes. I basically married the first guy who showed me attention, he was active in his church. He fooled my parents and me and friends. After marriage, a month or two later he began to mistreat me, verbally abusive and yet I stayed for almost 30 years due to children and that was my second mistake. So take your time, don't worry or feel pressure. Just be a good friend and find reasons for him to spend time with you as a friend. As already stated, if he is secretly interested and too scared to ask you, your invite is something he'll jump to take a chance on. That is how males are like. I don't know of any who ever turned down an invite from a female they liked. Once you've spent some time other than bible study doing coffee, taking walks, just hanging out as friends, you can ask the following which works on the same principle of example already given. You simply say, "We've been doing great together as friends. It makes me wonder if we would do just as great as more than friends. What do you think? Pay attention here that you verified the friendship, you are not stating your interest in him, but just wondering, and most important for this to work, you are asking his opinion. If he is not feeling that kind of chemistry with you, he'll be quick to let you know he only sees you as a friend. If he is interested but too scared to find out, or perhaps the body language or whatever he picks up from you has him believing you are not at all interested, then he will jump at the chance without having to initially reveal how he feels. All of this is to avoid being rejected and a person feels more free to let you know theres no chemistry without fear of hurting feelings, even if you may be real disappointed by what you hear. I guess I had a poker face growing up and guys couldn't pick up any clues that I was interested. My second husband met me on a dating site and he said that my face does not reveal who I truly am. He didn't think I would write him back either. But we are working on 12 years together.

I also want to mention that there are two things vital to a strong foundation for a couple relationship. One is being best of friends and the other is sexual compatibility. So don't think of the friendship part as insignificant, because that is where it should start. A good majority of marriages ending in divorce are because only one of the two parts of the foundation were present in their relationship.
As to men not liking older women, I think the following will shock you. At the time I was on a dating sight, close to age 50, I had a couple of 18 and 20 year olds write to me, interested. I turned them down, because the age gap was too big. I had already had a friend with benefits relationship with a guy who was 27 after I divorced and although he was nice, I found there was no meeting of minds, the generation gap too big and I couldnt take him seriously for anything more. I moved and never saw him again but he marrieed, a woman my age. He was interested in older w omen. Then the man I married, told me when he was a busboy in a restaurant at 18 and into his early twenties, many older women liked what they saw in him, how he treated female customers and they would invite him and he did get into relationships not because he was asked but because he was interested in older women. He can't help it, he was born that way, and couldnt be interested in younger women the same way. However, afraid of aids or std's, he later decide to marry, someone younger and later, they parted as friends. Then he met me. I am only a year older than him but in my case, we both were perfect for each other and the age gap being smaller didn't matter. However I know he still likes the look of older women, asked me to let my hair go grey/silver and points out older women and says, I love how older women look. No meant to hurt me, I also tell him, but he usually guesses and says, I think you find that guy attractive. If you are more acquaintance and not a close friend with the girl, you need say nothing. If you are closer and have spent time together doing stuff, having a friendship, then you may want to tell her how you are feeling and find out if she has feelings for the guy or not.
Don't worry if he dates her. If they are perfect for each other, it will work, they stay together. If he feels she isn't right for him, he will be ready to turn to anyone else. He may have no clue what he is looking for in a female, many aren't. I didn't know until the second time around and actually had a list of criteria I posted that the guy had to meet to even write to me. But when we are younger, we don't think it out in detail as to what we need and want in a partner. Lets say he does date you and though nice, you end up not feeling that same draw to him as you first felt. That would be normal. People can feel excitement over something new, like Christmas's ago you got the toy you wanted. You played all the time in the beginning but later, it no longer interested you.k When refering to people, its called New Relationship energy or NRE. This NRE can feel as strong as some of the feelings of love and attraction and chemistry but it wears off in time, usually only takes a month or so. If it happens, you didn't do anything wrong, you both were wrong for each other, no matter how perfect as people you both are separately.

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I'm thinking about buying my brother an RV to live in. He is struggling with some issues and i'm managing his money. Rather than paying rent I thought buying him an RV would be better. Is it difficult to find plumbing hook ups? Is it hard to find a place to connect? I'm trying to figure this out by myself and I just don't know how to go about it.

there aren't many places where one can pay rent for a space for ones RV that comes with water and sewer hookup. I know of only one in my area in the suburbs of a large city. It may be more common out in the country somewhere. On the other hand there are many living out of their vans and RVs as their only home and make it work but have no sewer or water and they travel like nomads to BLM land for free(bureau of land management and there are limits to a stay, such as a week or two before one must move on to another place. These people will try sleeping in their vehicle, (as it is home) even in city but you may want to check with your city if your brother would be parked curbside, as some cities police have laws that you can't do that. Of course theres no hookup and the RV would have to be driven regularly to a rest stop on the highway to dump its dirty water and refill with clean water. We live in our sprinter on a friends property. We don't have a bathroom, just a bucket for potty at night. We do use one of his bathrooms for emptying the bucket and taking showers. Everything else can be okay if theres hookup to power, electricity. We still have to get extra power. Solar panels are great but you'd have to purchase batteries to carry for a source of power if he was somewhere without electricity hookup. Better than solar is something called a super alternator for the vehicle, which not only powers the engine but the extra energy while running the engine goes to storage battery and unless you are comfortable working on your own to set up a system, you may have to hire someone to do it. If you are looking at the rent option, maybe taking your time and looking for just a bedroom to rent with shared bath and kitchen is an idea, or a small studio or mother in law.

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I quit my job because my hours were reduced and the environment was extremely hostile. When I called in to apply for benefits, they told me that I was eligible because my hours were reduced. My employer responded back with lies that got me disqualified. I filed an appeal.

I feel like I am qualified because I would work my butt off only to be sent home after 30 minutes, wasting my gas. My clients loved me working for them, but my supervisor would create drama, lie and send me home. It started affecting me emotionally and I already have anxiety so I quit.
The supervisor would also tell my clients that I’m on drugs, I will steal from them and that she didn’t like African Americans.

She also told the clients that I was adding charges onto their accounts, which is a lie & stealing.


Do I have a case against the employer?

Wow, I experienced the same thing in my past. I like you, quit for those same reasons. I would have stayed longer part time if only it wasn't so hostile and most of hostility was from the owner of the small business. I was one of only 5 staff. I tried to get unemployment and what happened was unemployment calling me and my employer in and asked us questions while taping what we answered. they tend to go with what an employer says. I don't know if its changed with time or if different in any states, so you're best off calling and asking unemployment if you'd even qualify. Doesn't feel fair, I know, but thats the way things are set up.

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hey! I am a 12 year old girl. Last night my mom and I were talking about stuff and the conversation made it’s way over to s*x. she said a bunch of things and I found out that my parents still have s*x.

I’m honestly not sure WHY I’m so freaked out about this, but it makes me really uncomfortable to think that they still do it. I didn’t really know that people do it for joy, and to show love to the other spouse, I just thought that god made it to make a baby. Once you have that baby, it was done and done. Haha I was wrong i guess.

So I guess my dad uses a condom or whatever that is, and that freaks me out. Just thinking ab it freaks me out to be honest.

I cried myself to sleep last night while listening to Jules Leblanc :) I shouldn’t be this upset about it and I honestly don’t know why I am. It’s just weird thinking about that the bed that I’ve sat on many times before my parents were having s*x.

I am still upset about it and I just need to figure out why. I don’t want to think about this day and night, 24/7/365. any ideas?

Wow this takes me back to when I was 10 and Mom told me. While I wasn't disturbed enough to cry, I found the whole thing very gross. I didn't even like the idea of kissing a guy. A few years later it didn't bother me anymore. I think the reason is that I wasn't in puberty yet cus once those hormones starting flowing and changing my body, I was finally able to understand why people would want to even have sex,(although I abstained until I married at 20.) I don't know if no puberty is the case for you but if it is, then you understand that you don't feel certain feelings when you see a guy you like because your body hasn't developed to that point yet. But 12 is a good time for the talk. Some parents are really squeamish about even kissing in front of their kids. So on further thought, my parents never kisses, or showed loving pats toward each other or cuddles or hugs. I never saw anything that suggested even romance and loving each other or wanting closeness with each other. That alone can make it hard to reconcile in your mind the parents doing anything in bed. So I had that to deal with too. Not all parents have the best sex life and some do quit having sex by time their kids are your age. It shouldn't be that way. If a senior citizen couple are still physically able to do that, they will if they are very close and loving. So give it time and you'll warm up to the idea as not being so icky but a part of life for more than having kids. As an adult I choose to not try and picture couples nude and having sex. I have grown children and I never allow my mind to go there because I don't want to limit any ways I know somebody to get fixated on something that is none of my business. Thinking on it, won't change my relationship with the people, or even with parents. There is no reason to allow sex to completely fill your mind in a bad way and keep you from peace and what you have to do daily.
Your subconscious mind will think you focus on these thoughts because its something you really like. So to stop that, take the next couple days and whenever such thoughts of sex come up and you do not want to think of them, you talk to yourself inside your head. Its easier for me when I gave a name to my subconscious, anything like Cathy or Linnea, regular girl names. Then each time such a thought pops up, immediately tell your subconscious that you do not want to think about this anymore. It will go away only to come back in ten minutes or less, or more, hourly all day. Your subconscious simply is having a hard time breaking this habit, thats all. Doesn't mean its not working. Keep at it the next day and you will see you don't have to remind your subconscious as often until in a couple days, it doesn't happen much at all or has stopped. But its lots of work getting this to stop because you Have To remind your subconscious right away each time for this to work. Good luck dear.

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I’ve been talking to a guy for about 5 months now (haven’t met yet). He constantly tells me that he’s certain I’m the one he sees a future with. Always treating us like we’re in a relationship. However, he’s regularly talking to other girls & even tells me about it. When I ask him if he wants to move on from me, he’s very firm on not letting that happen. He also has a very strong visceral reaction towards me interacting with other men. I’m not sure what I should do...

Geez, where have I been, seeing this over a month later. Hoping you took the advice of the last person because this is trouble. He is not a male who believes in equality as far as what is okay for him is okay for you. When a guy gets upset that you even speak to any male, whether a friend, brother, cousin, etc. it is usually an indicator that he is going to be a controlling person. Some controllers have slowly cut their gf or wife off from contact with all friends and even her family so she is cut off from getting help if she wants. It also says he is competitive with other males in his mind, comparing himself and always feeling he falls short. He has self image problems, wants to be the only Alpha male around, eliminating all other Males in your life so that you don't have the opportunity to do any comparing and find him lacking. Hon, words are cheap. I heard all those sweet things from my ex too, that 'I was the one he wants to marry' 'that I look terrific when I wake up in the morning, wanting to know how I pull that off,' and other stuff like that. I was fooled, my entire family, parents included were all fooled by him. A man like this tries to find a female whom they believe is extremely weak and mild, low self image, not likely to make a stand for herself, and so on. He misread me. I was only just coming out of being shy and socially anxious. I still remember him telling me what we were going to do, him getting uncontrollably angry to the point I feared for my life and locked myself up in a bathroom for hours. I learned to never answer anything, respond to lies to defend myself because anything I said was like adding fuel to a fire. He had said he was outgoing and a people person. I know plenty of guys who saw themselves this way and I would agree. One was a former classmate I bumped into in a movie line. He was married and I was horrified to see him chew out his wife for even looking at a guy in line. Yes, they can be charming when they want to be and good at fooling most people for part of the time. Its later on they make mistakes and others see them for who they are or at least know they don't like them. I believe that is why my ex was let go from so many jobs I can't remember the number. He grew less outgoing as he saw my confidence. It irked him that he couldnt destroy me mentally. Oh the emotions were hurt and damaged, but I didn't become the unrecognizable tortured women that many abused women become. I had my faith and believe God helped to keep me sane. This little bit of my back story is to let you see how bad it can get. I made excuses in my mind for him for most of marriage. He's just stressed from work. The kids were too noisy, etc. It is easy to think that a guys concern about you is cute and protective but even men who are professionals in this type of psychology issue even know that if a male does what yours is doing, it is as loud a symptom of something really bad and wrong as yellow pus in a wound is. You do not want to mess with him. The reason he keeps up talking about a future with you is because he keeps seeing in you, a female who is weak and breakable and easy to mold into what he thinks he wants. YOu're a step ahead of where I was, I didn't reach out and I was too naive. You are questioning this, reaching out for opinions and advice, and I expect you are no where near how naive I was. I wish you the best dear.

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(there is a backstory to the long question read at your own risk)

Okay hello! So there is this girl that I have a crush on and I have been slowly moving on since she does not like me back. She is the first person that I have ever told that I have a crush on. Usually, I keep it to myself. She never outright said she doesn't like me like that but when I told her she said it was brave for me to tell her and that was it. I'm a lot more candid with her than I have ever been with my past crushes and we are really good friends. The only thing is though that we don't see each other in class anymore because of COVID and that was mainly how we hung out. So now I have to rely on texting and let me tell you she is AWFUL at texting. She takes days to respond and it is really annoying because it's not like she is even away from her phone because she is on social media all the time but she never leaves me on "read" or "seen" she just doesn't see the message. ...I try not to be mad at her personally because she has told me that she is bad at texting and that it overwhelms her (she is pretty popular and has a lot of friends texting her). When I do text her I try to keep in mind that she does care about me even it takes her forever to respond.

If this was any of my other friends I really would not care let alone even remember that I texted them. I just overthink when it comes to her and it sucks. My mind is controlled by thoughts of her not texting me back and why she isn't. Like my irrational thoughts will say that she sees the notification for my message and rolls her eyes or she gets angry. I even find myself checking to see if she texted me when I know she didn't. A lot of this comes from insecurity that I'm trying to work on. She never leaves me on "read" or "seen" she just doesn't see the message.

Now when it comes to me texting her I really try not to text her that often because I don't want to overwhelm her and I find myself un-sending so many messages because I'm afraid of what she will think and I feel like a loser every time haha. I try to take days off from texting her but I always give in and say something. I have now left her on "seen" and I feel awful...but I don't know what to say. The thing is I would understand if my message is hidden within a bunch of other messages but the thing is that she doesn't check to see if I texted her and that hurts.

I know this isn't good for me but I don't want to break off our friendship because I know I would be miserable. In the past when I broke off friendships with toxic people and I still felt awful. This girl is a great person and I'm not blinded by my crush on her she has flaws obviously but it's not like she ignores me or anything. When she does respond to my text she is so kind and we laugh and it's great but then it's dead again. Maybe I'm inpatient I know I can be and I'm trying to stress that the problem is not with her completely but me and my thoughts. I just wish they could end and I could stop having a crush on her it is honestly annoing. What should I do?

**Don't read this part if you don't want to know my gender**
I'm a girl I just feel like that might change some people's perspective....kinda sadly

I was sure you were a female before I got to the end of story. It doesn't matter the sex because when it comes to sexual attraction, the same issues and problems are there no matter what the sex.

I will start with responses to things you said from the beginning and so forth, to cover all I wish to respond to without forgetting. You stated "since she does not like me back . . ." and so I see you understand she is not going to respond the way you wished. So if a person doesn't like you, lets say anyone in school you want to be a friend with, this means no sexual attraction. If you force yourself on some one who just doesn't feel any camaraderie with you, any things in common, do you believe that continueing to trying reaching them, (pestering them) is going to change how they feel about you? It seems so by what you wrote unless I totally misunderstood.
Next, you told her outright that you had a crush on her. She was likely taught growing up to have good manners and not say anything that could hurt another person so she said the only constructive thing she could think to say since she wasn't interested in you that way, that it was brave of you to tell her. Believe me, with teens and college age, if someone told you they liked you and you had a secret crush back on them, a person will grab at the chance to start dating without having to ask and be rejected. No favorable response means she is not interested in you.

I like turning stories on people,(putting yourself in the other persons shoes/life so to speak) a good way to understand what it is like to be the other person.
So lets say some girl you are not attracted to as a friend or more, comes up to you and asks you out. You have no reason to hate her, but you don't like her either, not enough to want to spend any more time than you have to, with her. So being in class together, taking in hallways is probably the limit for you. You don't want to be too friendly for fear it might encourage this girl to want more from you than you are willing to give. Would you eagerly be awaiting every text from her. Would you choose to spend your time answering all her contacts, in person, calls or text, treating her with exactly the same interest you have for your friends? You might be the only one different if you are like that. Generally, most people would not answer, let alone read any texts. Can you now see why she is not responding to your texts. She may occasionally because she was taught to be kind to all. But being kind does not automatically mean she is gay or bi and into you. You say you get mad sometimes but remember she said she's no good at texting. That may be true, or she does it in spurts, good for one or two days and then nothing with everyone she knows. But since she made it clear to you, I am thinking its possible she was already giving you a plausible excuse ahead of time for why she would not be answering your texts. And it probably wasn't the real reason, another thing people do to avoid hurting someone. So in my eyes, the issue is not about her being awful at texting but the real issue is that she is not interested.

Believe me, I feel for people who are attracted to the same sex. It is a natural occurence in nature that farmers have witnessed in the animals they raise, where some are attracted to the same sex, which means there will be no enlarging of the herd or flock or whatever group of animals. So there is nothing wrong with you being attracted this way. But it sure it harder to gain just a friend who knows you are gay, and may avoid you because she believes you are after her due to sexual interest only or you are interested and can't tell for sure someone is gay or bi and how do you go about finding out from them or confessing your interest or asking on a date. Twice in my life as a straight person I have had two different women approach me, thinking they read something that told them I was into women. They read me wrong but I thanked them for their interest and let them know I was straight and into men.

I know what you mean about not caring if others respond to your texts or calls as much as the person who is the object of your desire. If you believe she is a true friend and not just an acquaintence/classmate from school, and you can be happy with things as they are, then there is nothing to be done. But you did state: "I'm trying to stress that the problem is not with her completely but me and my thoughts". This is very mature of you because it is hard for any adult even to say theres a chance they may have something wrong or be part of a problem. Maybe this last part will make sense. I call it theater of the mind. Basically, the majority of this so called friendship is gone over in your mind, replayed with the way you wished it had gone, so in essense, changing how things are in real life to reflect your wants and desires. This kind of thinking is what produces the 'crush'. Your mind is the stage and she is your chosen actress on that stage, and you write the script in your mind of how you'd like to see it go, what she will say, etc. Perhaps your theater of the mind isn't as involved but what they all have in common is that the one sought after is not willingly participating in your mind. They are a real person and they are out there, but they are not in your mind. Your mind recreates and embellishes everything so it seems in your favor. I had done my share of daydreaming about guys when I was younger. It never amounted to anything with a single one because the person in my mind who was equally interested in me, was not right for me or did not return the interest in real life.

Now here at the end you wish you could stop thinking about her, stop having a crush and you are in luck because there actually is a way. I used it myself after a divorce when first guy I met was separated from wife and by time we both fell in love, she came back finally wanting to go to counseling and make it work. He was torn up and cried but decided on going back due to the children and years together. So here is how it works. You have to first realize that you have a conscious/awake mind and a subconscious mind (SM) and that the SM is in charge while you sleep but during the day, it takes in everything you see, do and think. It then evaluates what to its thinking is most important to you. Its reasoning seems to be that of a child. So the SM assumes the thing or person you think most about is what pleases you and it wants to make you happy so it will do anything to give you that including urging you to do something that may well jeopardize the very happiness it thinks its giving you. To me, my SM feels almost like another person inside me, resisting or fighting me on issues it is scared of, but things that my conscious mind is not People who have this issue end up fighting themselves and constantly doing the very things they don't want to do. In the case of love or a crush, the SM kept giving me thoughts of that man which made the torture and the pain more real, going on and on. So I had to take control of the SM. First get its attention by taking over something it is assigned to do like the automatic blinking of our eyes or taking our next breath. This is why you often read about people learning breathing exercises for meditation. So take deep breaths, hold, then release slowly. After a couple times, talk to it your SM, inside your mind instead of out loud. You tell it that yes, you had a crush on so and so, but they did not return the same interest. You want your SM to stop thinking about her and bringing up those thoughts because you have given up and its painful to think of, or customize your words but it must have the command to stop bringing up thoughts of her. This won't make you have amnesia, the only way to forgot a person other than alzheimers, but once healed, any thought that may come up due to a shared memory, will not have the heartache or hurt feelings attached. I even gave my SM a name as it made it easier for me to carry this out. My first two days, my SM promptly forgot and brought up thoughts of him every 5 minutes. Just say the command again as I did, reminding your SM. But days end, I was emotionally exhausted from having to remind my SM so many times, many times each hour. The next day, bad also but a little less, a couple of days later, a little success and by the end of a week or two, it was gone. It may take longer or shorter for different people but the catch is, you have to be on your toes and speak these reminders to your mind (SM) because you are actually breaking a habit of your SM's. Trust me, it works or I wouldn't bother to share it here. Let me know how It goes for you.

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