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Depression and anxiety
I have been going through a really tough time. My serious relationship of 3 yeas ended. The guy ditched me just before marriage. This my 3rd relationship failure. I'm 32. People around me are getting married and kids. I don't have many friends. I'm alone ans cry everyday. My confidence is shaking. I don't hv anyone to share my deepest feelings. I regret many things in life. I feel anxiety thinking about
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Want to answer more questions in the Relationships category?
Maybe give some free advice about: Love Life?
Oh you poor thing! I can understand why you feel as you do. I had to learn also to see failures as a good sign rather than so bad. I am no longer married to the guy I married at age 20 but stuck around close to 30 years. Glutton for punishment? No. Just very loyal and forgiving.I used to be too self conscious, shy, social anxiety, lacking self confidence and those things can be killers to any relationship, friend or lover. I have learned alot since then, unfortunately I'm now in my 60s but I can at least share my experiences in hopes it won't take as long in others. I am a social person and so it helps to have my special someone to talk to, especially when considering what its like for others who live alone and are single, during this pandemic time. Okay, so something helpful to tell you . . .?
When choosing a partner, one must think of the foundation of the relationship,which for romantic couples, lovers and life companions,it is a foundation of only two things. One is being best of friends and the second is having that attraction and sexual chemistry. Both are very important but most couples today break up because they have only one of those. If a relationship lacks friendship, one or both will treat each other like crap, fight all the time and the only time they do well in when having their hot sex in bed. Then some couples get together having friendship and treat each other well. Because of how well they treat each other, they stay even if they find the initial interest they showed in each other wasn't strong enough and not the real thing to sustain a romantic/sexual relationship. The reason for this mistake is people who feel NRE, new relationship energy at the beginning. This feeling of energy is so real, its the same as the excitement you had as a kid to a new Christmas toy you wanted but over a pretty short time, you find you no longer had interest in it. People who felt NRE in the beginning, later will nothing, no emotions for their companion. Then frustration builds until one or both start having affairs to take care of their sexual needs but stay together because they are best friends and don't want to hurt each other with a divorce. This is the more common situation, being best friends and not lovers. In case one is waiting for marriage to have sex, you can still tell if you are attracted sexually to each other, by the way you feel when near each other, your hormones are always screaming for attention when close, and something like a kiss is really telling. Either you'll feel butterflies and excitement and all sorts of good feelings when you kiss, or the kiss doesn't bring up any exciting feelings, but you can tolerate it, or the kiss feels so gross as if just kissed by a male relative, same goes in reverse, a man feeling he is kissed romantically by someone like his mom...usually theres an ick factor in there and obviously the gal is not going to choose to be with him but that is the more rare situation and most fall into the middle, not enough good matching sexually, no good chemistry but not grossed out by the person. So if sex is regular and okay enough to take care of urges, a young man may continue to go ahead with a relationship. Or there are not enough things in common. All people are drawn to certain personality types, several differing ones but there are also the ones with whom one deep down knows they could be with too long or they go nuts.
So if you have 3 relationships that ended, the reason for the endings would be good to know to help you best. All I know is that universally speaking, people in break ups always both carry some responsibility in it not working. In my case with my ex, my mistake was not what I did to him, sins of commission but what I omitted, at the start. I waited for a guy to show interest in me rather than choosing a guy who looked promising and inviting him out, I did not have a frank talk when he first mentioned marriage, and find out how he felt about anything that would be a deal breaker to me, meaning if he doesn't have it, he will not be considered as bf or husband material. I wanted kids and he wanted to put off long enough to discourage me from wanting and giving up. Finally after 7 yrs of marriage, we had a child and later two more. Once over his fear of being able to provide with the first he was okay thank God. But some come from big families and had to take care of and practically help raise their siblings and are sick of it. I know a person will feel differently when holding their own child but that is something hard to imagine. So that is a good example of what to talk about. Guys are afraid to tell a gal the truth because they sense or have witnessed how she handles unexpected or bad news and fear having a sobbing weeping female on their hands if they split up. So its really only when reaching the point of no return, such as close to a wedding date or at the alter, that a guy who is not 'in love' with the person but merely loves some aspects of them, will take off running because subconsciously they truly feel you both are not the most perfect match.
I can address the lack of friends but that has to do with anxieties, too introverted, shy, and no self confidence which many never grow out of as they get older. I made a choice my last HS year to change and become outgoing and gain confidence. Part is what I believe I heard in prayer. But then you know, we all second guess in that kind of situation, did I really hear right. I did as I was told, step by step at my own pace. Years later I picked up a book at library by a psychologist talking of a different way to handle fears or lack of something and the recipe in his book to shed my fears of people and anxieties socially was exactly the same as what I heard years before in prayer. I will post that here soon. You do know that if theres a problem you're having with guys, that it could be more due to what you are or aren't doing or its what he is doing. (Please excuse if we're talking same sex as I always use he and she, when not knowing both sexes.) Your only problem might be having choosen the wrong guy, not once but three times. That was my situation with first man. The guy I'm with now is perfect for me, my Mr. Right, in love with me, and yes, we both say and do things we wish the other didn't do, but realize we each have our own set of bad habits we struggle with, and choose to be more understanding of each other. We enjoy each others company, and are best of friends as well as lovers. If anyone asked me today who my best friend is, it's him I would answer them with.
How to find Mr. Right
I went through this search in my late forties after an almost 30 yr marriage to a man who was never in love with me, verbally abusive and not my sexual match. I was ready to finally find Mr Right and what I believe I heard while praying, is that I had to make several lists and refine them as I went along.
First, how well do you know yourself? I used a dating site 2nd time around. It worked for me to find my true love. However, to fill out a profile for yourself, or to really describe yourself in a convo in person, your personality and who you are at core, is hard to do, like writing about your work strengths in a resume. So this is just as important as a resume only more so. You can easily leave a job that doesn't work out. Its much harder with a boyfriend or husband. So its best to be able to describe yourself well for those few you meet who may be promising. This is not just those met online but any you meet in person as you're out and about. They will have something specific they are looking for as well and need to be able to recognize the possibility that you may be the one for them. At least, hopefully they will, if not, they may not recognize that you are the one for him and that is too bad for him. You want a guy who sees the real you inside too and will know he wants you, the whole package. You'll need this list or bio on yourself before you can form the list of what you are looking for in a guy.
So, ask yourself what it is in life that lights you up, makes you not just happy but content and feeling fulfilled. Ask yourself what is or are the passions deep inside that push you to seek out certain hobbies, pastimes, certain people with the same?
I'll give you an example. One of the things that make me passionate about certain things in life is that I am a nurturing person deep at core. This nurturing desire needs to be expressed and has been through several different avenues. For one, being a mother and raising my kids, now grandkids, loving planting and tending a garden, and yes, giving advice in an advice column. All of these things require a person driven by nurture, such as my wanting to be of help to you, to see you break free of whatever is holding you back in life or keeping you unhappy.
Once you have defined yourself with some really good descriptive words or scenerios, you will be drawing on this list to make a specific list of criteria of what is most important in a guy.
If you need help with the list of yourself, please just ask me and I will help.
Now, for the list of what you feel is Mr. Right for you.
Actually, there will be two lists. A list of Must Haves, things which if missing are a deal breaker because they are that important to you. Do not let any guy tell you that your criteria is extremely unreasonable. I got that often. It means the guy can't meet your criteria, can't meet your Must Haves and wants you to lower your standard for them and they don't give a crap about who you are and why these are your criteria. A deal breaker would be “I want a guy who wants to have kids†“I want a guy who isn't afraid to commit, settle down and marry†“I want a guy who is open minded spiritually and will allow me to believe whatever I do without trying to convert me to his belief†“I want a guy who never raises his voice to me and is able to calmly talk things out.†“I want a guy who isn't a smoker or recreational drug userâ€.
I for example am very allergic to cigarette smoke or the lingering odor of it. Guys who smoked met with me pretending at first that they didn't. Sitting across a table at a restaurant first time, I couldn't pick it up but when riding in their car on a later date it was heavy cigarette odor in there. He claimed he didn't smoke, it was from his son who uses the car but later by habit pulled out a cigarette and felt it was okay to lie to me cus I might fall in love once I got to know him and the cigarette smoke wouldn' t matter. It mattered that strongly to me and pissed off a couple guys real badly but you have to stick with what you want. Sticking with your needs, not lowering standards, helps to eliminate guys with major character faults, such as being inconsistent, liars, cheaters, etc....
Do not worry that this is extreme. In fact it has been found in tests done that men (the good ones worth having) are attracted to a woman who knows what she wants, a woman who will stick by it without making excuses or apologizing for it, not afraid to ask for or state what she wants. This attitude is basically having a strong self confidence and self confidence in a woman is what made these good men choose the confident woman over the model types in looks in a test case study.
The other list is the what you want, like the icing on the cake. It is not a need or requirement but would be nice. This list you don't share with the guy. Its for yourself in case you find several guys who meet all the criteria of your other list, to help you choose from among them.
So here is where you find things like, he likes to go dancing, he is a musician or sings well, he likes gardening, has interest in meditation, has long hair, has a 6 pack. I listed that I wanted a man who was height and weight proportionate. This means maybe there might be some chub but basically they will look reasonably okay without looking like a body builder. These things are not deal breakers to me, but if they are to you, then they're in the wrong list. This list is things you would like to see but if you don't get them, you can live without it, for the rest of your life.
I promise, these lists will help. You'll also refine it or think of things to add as you run across guys or problems that you didn't think needed to be in a list. Then if not using a dating site and posting these out there right in the beginning, at least on a 2nd date if a guy asks you out twice, (means he is reasonably interested in you) tell him you have something important you need to share with him. It's important to you. Then recite your list to him. If afraid you may leave something important off, have copies of your list in your purse to hand out to a guy. If he looks at you like this must be a joke or asks such, keep calm and smile nicely and let him know that you are very serious and have resorted to this measure because simply going out with just random guys in the past and into a relationship resulted in the wrong guy each time. It is okay to give examples if he asks. Make no excuses. If he gets upset or has a problem with any of your criteria, you could ask him why, but you can't rely at this early stage whether he may be telling the truth or not to get you to trust him and lower your standards. It is best to tell him you've decided to not consider him, as if he was an applicant for a job and his resume just isn't enough to get the position of 'boyfriend'. Think of yourself as your own human resources manager, looking for the perfect applicant for the available position of 'boyfriend.' Obviously, you will have to turn away many hopefuls. I even had some guys beg me to choose them by the end of a first time meet up. That killed it. Spoke volumes of them feeling insecure, wimpy as males, and having low self esteem, all of which I wished to avoid.
Thats it on that but if you want to hear hints on how to boost self confidence easy, or if you feel you might have social anxiety or even just too shy, let me know as those are two more documents I can paste in.
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