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Razhie. Advicenators Member Since: June 13, 2005. Answers: 5077. Visitors: 211514.
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The Question
I'm recently separated from my husband of 4 years because he was controling, abusive and did alot of things behind my back that made me feel he didnt love me at all. I've always had this coworker that I take my breaks with. We have good conversations and similar interests and I did always like him, but would never do anything because I was commited to my husband. A couple weeks ago we started what I thought was a fling but its escalated and I'm feeling strongly about him. I can't imagine not having him around me and I yearn to feel him when we're apart. I'm not in love, but afraid I could be one day. The problem? He has a girlfriend albeit in another country but they are in a stable relationship and have been for quite some time. She doesn't know about me. And although I have cut my emotional ties to my husband, he's still just as loving with her. I dont expect him to leave her cause thats not an option but I am afraid I'm setting myself up to get hurt. I tell myself that everything we are doing is okay with me but I think I'm in denial. I dont want to get hurt but I dont want to not have him in my life. And what about when he goes home to visit her? Should I just grin and bear it?
The Answer
End the fling with the co-worker.
If you don’t expect him to leave his girlfriend, but that is what you would most like, or feel you would most like in the future, end it now.
If you want more than the fling and you believe he won’t be able to provide it, then you are past 'setting yourself up to get hurt'. You are now going to get hurt, period. The question is how much, how badly and how long you'll have to devote to your recovery.
Please remember, as good as this man might be to you, there is a women out there someplace who is not being told the truth by her partner. That is the way your co-worker is capable of his long-term, stable girlfriend. That is, at very least, not very nice, and you are helping him.
Please, get some counselling. Make some new plutonic friends. There are lots of programs out there, even free ones, to help woman transition out of abusive relationships and connect with other women who understand, and who can probably give you a lot of insight into dating and making connections again after what you’ve experienced. But right now you've gone from your husband, who treated you poorly, to this co-worker, who no matter how good a man he is is still betraying his partner, misleading her and cannot really give you the love and affection you want and need.
Continuing on with yet another man, even if he better then the last, who is not respecting you, his girlfriend and who you believe cannot give you the relationship you desire, is only going to widen your already gaping wounds and drag you deeper down into bad patterns of accepting less from a partner then you want, need and deserve.
Take some good lessons from this experience: You ARE desirable. You CAN be treated kindly and nicely. AND you CAN behave respectfully and honestly and end a 'fling' before it evolves into a fiasco. Those are damn good baby steps.
So, tell him you care for him and you can't do this.
Because your conscience, your self-respect and your self-preservation instinct shouldn't allow you to carry on with him like this. This is a time to take care of you, and you know this situation isn’t going to do that, so end it now.
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The Question
So this guy who is kind of like an ex boyfriend to me (it's complicated), called me entirely on his own two nights ago. He started the conversation with telling me that he had good news, it was that he had a new girlfriend. After telling me about his new girlfriend, he called to apologize for being such an asshole to me, and that he didn't know how to tell me but that he was a commitmentphobe who was afraid of getting closer to people, since his nanny died when he was 9 years old (he's 19 now, so that was 10 years ago). He also said that he's gotten worse since we stopped talking and hasn't been able to get me off his mind, it was like his new girlfriend didn't even matter to him at all. He said that apparently it would be the last time that we would talk. Which in response, I told him that I'd have to think about it and I'd give him an answer about whether or not I wanted him in my life after I got back from Basic Training in August.
Well I recently graduated highschool and back in September (when we were first together) I wrote a senior sentiment to him,along with telling him that I kind of missed him but I still needed time to think. He wrote me back telling me that I'm the best person he knows, how the fucked up thing was that now that he thought about it he still loved me, rather or not I believed it, and how he misses what we had and if things could ever be the same to let him know, how he's always there for me, and that he will always love me. I was going to write him back the next morning and I even had a nice letter typed up, it basically said how I could forgive him but he'd have to prove himself to me. Then I saw that his myspace profile had stephy & joey {06/03/2009}, which is kind of how my senior sentiment was (it had our anniversary at the end), and he changed his profile picture back to a picture of him wearing his army uniform in my sentiment I had referred to him as my soldier (by the way, he deleted his army photos and changed his profile picture after he got medically discharged).
I messaged him back saying that I wasn't going to be the other girl, and asked him what and who he wanted. Expecting that he'd keep his promise to me to always be honest about things. He told me that he had feelings for me, but how this new girl was really amazing. Right... like she mattered so much to you that you actually called your ex girlfriend and said those things to her, right... Then, I told him something like, “Then why did you send me that (I forwarded the message that he wrote me)? My brother's right, you and her are perfect for eachother, she's obsessed with you and you have no idea what you want. You're STILL a commitmentphobe. Have a nice life!” I think that I might have intimidated him, and he doesn't know what to say in response because he said nothing to me in return.
I did some exploring, and noticed some really odd things about the girl's myspace. Yes, she was his top myspace friend, and her profile looked legit, unless you looked really closely... I'll add more to that later. Yet she was ugly and not to sound shallow, I know that beauty is in the eye of the beholder, but he likes girls like Taylor Swift, Avril Lavigne and me. Okay that just sounded really conceited, but I've been told many times that I am a really pretty girl and I was even one of the prom princesses at my prom. This girl seriously needed her eye brows done, and she was wearing no makeup, she just really WASN'T pretty at all. My girl friends mentioned to me how ugly she was, my brother whose 25 in July mentioned that she was cute, but.. let's put it this way he's a really nice guy. He also added that he thought that my ex said that only to make me jealous and that I have a lot more to bring to the table than she has (he's not my biological brother, either). I also thought that it was odd how she only had two myspace friends (her top one was still Tom) and she's young, and should have more than that. I also noticed how it was so over done, she's 22 and after 4 days of dating she's obsessed with him and wants to marry him? Like what? He's a commitmentphobe and he let her put down Mrs. D as an alias? Huh? I also saw that they had the same myspace pet... something that a self-respecting guy would not own, it was almost like he slipped up a little bit on that. My brother said that he went to both myspace pages and didn't notice any comments on either page, when I looked at Joe's pictures I saw that she commented to some of them, but it seemed A LOT like he could've commented pictures posed as her. He types A LOT like the way that I saw her type. I wasn't the only one who thought that her page was fake either, two other people agreed with me.
He's played a lot of games before, and I just want to know if I should wait for him to chase after me. From what he's done, it shows that he would. Or if I should just confront him and say that I know that he's just playing games, and that if I didn't know any better it sounds like he really doesn't have a new girlfriend. Honestly, I'm still really pissed. What would you do if you were me? A part of me sees a great person in him, a guy that I have a serious connection with and I still kind of want to be with him, despite the crazy shit.
By the way, I don't know if he stole someone's pictures, she might be a girl whose doing a really big favor for him. He has A LOT of friends that are girls, they might be acting like a couple, so that I'd get jealous, come crying to him, he'd cheer me up (notice how he said that he's always there for me?) and we'd get back together.
(Okay I just noticed that I sounded like one of those ditzy girls in those teen movies, I'm really not like that. I apologize if I pissed anyone off.)
If it makes any difference, I'm an 18 year old girl.
The Answer
Get over wanting his attention.
Yes, I know it feels good to be chased, but at some point you’ve got to realize that this guy’s attention is not worth having.
Please.
You are right that he will probably chase after you. I'd bet good money he will. But is that really a desirable thing?
This guy is either nuts, or a moron, or a scum bag. Possibly all three.
Game playing where you invent an online girlfriend is an understandable ploy when you are thirteen. But at this point it should be a big turn off, and a huge red-flag about how low he is willing to go to manipulate and lie to you.
This is what you can know for sure:
Either he uses same ploys as a pre-teen, AND does them so poorly that you can easily see through them.
OR
He has girlfriend and flirts with you behind her back while allowing her to obsesses about marrying him (and don’t kid yourself hun, he’s not only allowing that, he’s probably encouraging that lunacy.)
If the girl isn’t real, is this really someone you can have an equal and respectful partnership with? I always joke that I want to date someone intelligent enough that if they do cheat, they can hide it. Obviously I don’t actually want a cheater, but I want a guy who’s not a bloody moron. If she is real, do you want someone that confused, disrespectful, two-timing and attention-seeking for a boyfriend?
Don't confront him. Please, just don't talk to him anymore. You don't need that kind of crap. No reasonably intelligent woman does. Leave him to his possibly fictional crazy ass online girlfriend.
He is not getting smarter in a hurry. It sounds like he is also not becoming a better person in a hurry either, he might actually be backsliding.
You are right that he is very selfish and immature, and you AREN'T. Growing up means learning to leave this kind of asshole behind you.
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The Question
I have many social networking profiles and am 20 years old. Everytime I sign onto one of them there is a 45-65 year old man telling me he wants to "&%*%" me and it gets a bit annoying. How can I make people stop this?
The Answer
With so little to go on, I would bet you need to change your photos. There is something in your profiles which is suggesting you are open to this.
I am also a reasonably attractive twenty something, and I'll get something like that once or twice a month. If you are getting it much more often then that, something you've done is encouraging it.
If you are on dating sites, many of them allow you to restrict people based on thier age from contacting you. So, take a look for those sorts of mail restrictions and take a good close look at your profile and decide if there is something there that is motivating them that you could do without.
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The Question
15 female
okay, so my boyfriend and i have been going out for a month now, but we been talking for a while, even during my last relationship, so we have a pretty strong connection. anyways, just today he found out his x is pregnany with his baby, shes 2 months. she called his mom and told her, and she said she never told him cause she was scared. now i really dont know what to do, im really upset cause i like him alot and now this whole situation jus got in the middle of our relationship, which was going really goood. he said he dosnt wanna brake up with me and that we shouldnt let our feelings dies because of this but he says he feels bad putting me thro this and doesnt want me to go thro it all cause im so young, but i really wanna stay with him cause i like him ALOT. idk what to do ): i been crying like non stop since he told me that... ughhhhhhhhhh.
btw, hes 18 and shes 16 or 17 i think.
what should i do???? hes gonna come see me tomarow, cause we dont get to see eachother much since he lives kinda far from me and cause my parents don want us together. what should i tell him or do?!! oodfcnvjksnv ):
HELP!!!!
The Answer
Break up with him.
Seriously. I know it's hard and you don't want too, but you'd be crazy to stay with this guy. He has a huge, serious, adult problem to deal with it, and it has nothing at all to do with you. You can't be his partner in this. It's simply impossible.
It is probably going to kill your feelings for him eventually and it is going to get in the middle of your relationship for the rest of the time you are togeather, and that little baby, has EVERY right to do so. It deserves the centre of attention. It's more important then you, or him.
He's probably not ready for this, and you are definitely not. The thing is: You have a choice. You can back out, and you should.
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The Question
18/F
I asked this question to the pull, and didn't get many answers, so I figured I would ask it to a couple people's inboxes, and I chose you :)
I am starting college this fall, and I filled out my schedule today. I have thought seriously about majoring in English, so my advisor suggested an online class called "Survey of World Literature" Part 1 of 2. AKA: English 251.
I took English 111 & 112 in high school through the Dual Enrollment program, and those were the 2 prerequisites for the class. I received an A in both courses, so I was confident that I was going to do well. However after looking at some online course syllabus's I found, I am a little less sure. I didn't recognize any of the works shown on some of the professor's lists, So now I am freaking out.
I'm just looking for any sort of reassurance or tips for this class from anyone who has taken it. Or what was studied and what I can expect.
Thank you! :)
The Answer
You didn't get many answers, because no one here has taken that class. I haven't taken them. I probably didn't even go to school in your country. I certainly didn't take much English in university either.
The way you phrase your questions will effect who responds: If you make them too restrictive, no one will answer. No one likes getting angry feedback like 'I rate you 1 cause i TOLD you ONLY answer if you took the class!!!1 Waaa Waaa Waaaa!”
This is exactly the reason I didn't answer it in the pool: It sounded like I might get my head bit off if you didn't like what I said, or because I didn't actually take that class and many columnists sense that in a question, and will avoid it.
But to actually get down to the advice:
The point of taking a class beyond a basic introduction is to be exposed to work you are not familiar with. If I were taking a course beyond the first year level, I would avoid any course where I recognized more then one or two of the readings. I don't need to repeat subject matter. I want my horizons expanded.
Take a deep breath. This is what higher education is actually about. Leave lots of time in your schedule for reading, since you know you wont be able to bullshit your way through any of the books without actually reading them completely.
That's it. Stop worrying. This is what education SHOULD be. In your future years you might even be asked, not just to read things you've never heard of before, but to formulate your own opinions rather then regurgitate the opinions of others.
You can do it, and it's important to do. This is what real learning is.
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The Question
How can I convince birds to move on and NOT nest in my attic vents? Is there something I can spray that I might already have around the house without harming them?
The Answer
It depends on the breed of birds really, but you do need to remove the nest when they aren't there if you are going to discourage them from coming back. Wear a mask when you do that, and obviously do it when they aren't around.
I've had good success just putting up some balloons where the nest was. They bob and shift in the wind and scare the birds off.
If that doesn't work, there are lots of products you can buy (not poisons) that leave a sticky residue that birds won’t walk on. Or there is always the good old fake owl.
Most birds can’t smell very well, so there isn’t some household spray that will work to keep them away, you really need to go with an object.
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The Question
I'm 16 I am 5 ft. 8 and am a 36 DD. I have a ton of back pain because of my large boobs. Also in the last year or so I have had horrible migranes that the doctors said is linked to too much tension on my neck and back probably from my big breast. There was a girl at my school who recieved a breast reduction surgery(though I know this is usually for girls who are shorter, if I'm in pain should it matter?), would this be a good option for me?
ANY advice helps!!
The Answer
NO ONE here can recommend surgery. That would be a medical opinion. It would be wildly inappropriate of us, as random people online with no medical training and no information about you or your body first hand, to tell you if breast reduction surgery is a good option for you.
Go back to the doctor, ideally the one who first suggested to you that your pain was connected to your chest size, ask her this question, and ask for a referral to a surgeon with experience in this area.
Nothing one else's opinion is going to be the least bit reliable.
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The Question
are there any experts out there or people that could help me with "the secret" (which is the law or attraction)... i read the book, the secret, and ive been ttrying to work it on this one thing that i REEEEEAAAAALLY want. all ive been doing is thinking about it sense february now, and the situation just keeps getting worse..... is there anyone out there who knows about this or how to help me? if so, id like to somehow privately chat with you, or email or something, so please let me know =)
The Answer
The Secret is bullshit. You've been lied too.
The Law Of Attraction is NOT a Law like the Law Of Gravity. The law of gravity can be tested and it ALWAYS works, stuff falls down, all stuff on earth falls down, unless other stuff is holding it up, that's why it's a LAW. Having a positive attitude, being confident, believing you can succeed are all very good and you should do those things, but it doesn't send out magically beams from your brain that actually change reality around you. What they call the brains 'magnetic signature' and all that nonsense, exists only inside your skull. It doesn't get sent out. Scientists have tested this repeatedly, it's NOT happening.
The Secret says that the only reason you don't have what you want is because you are blocking it from coming to you with your thoughts. Which the prefect sales pitch, because whenever it doesn't work the Secret just wags it's finger at you and tells you that you must be 'thought blocking', because the Secret ALWAYS works.
Scientology uses the exact same sales pitch: Our system is perfect, if it’s not working perfectly for you, you must be doing it wrong.
Try telling the 3 billion people on this planet who live on less than a dollar a day that the reason their children are starving to death is because they are blocking food, medicine and clean water with their thoughts. You'll get the same response if you were a Scientologist trying to tell them the only reason they were sick and unhealthy was because they had invisible aliens stuck to their immortal spirit. They wouldn't believe you, and they would be right not to.
It's true that sometimes acting a certain way will get you treated that way by others, but that isn't a LAW. Think about this: If the LAW of attraction was ALWAYS true, then every woman who got raped would have been asking for it in her thoughts in some way. That is the logic that holds if attraction is truly a LAW that ALWAYS works.
And Quantum theory has nothing to do with you visualizing romance or a bigger paycheck. Nothing at all.
The Secret is no more effective then a rabbits foot or four leaf clover: It's just good-luck superstition with some false science thrown in.
Please, come back here and ask about your actual problem. You'll get real, practical advice from other people who want you to be able to be happy, not just who want you to imagine being happy and buy their product.
My e-mail is in my column if you would like to use it, or ask me a question directly. I'd be happy to give you some real advice about your troubles.
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The Question
i stay with my babydaddy but we not together.he broke up with me on my birthday last year cause he though i was mad cause he work that day.which was sad cause that was not true.nut he was my first or everything including virginity.but i feel like he using me.lik if i say i won't give him money he would kick me out.and othe girls he talk to they don't give him money and he respect them more then me and im the mother of his chilld.he call me stupid slow.one day he love me the next he say he can't wait till i get out his life.then i found out he guve girls money.and im working hard giving him money and he don't help me out.he not even working.and when he go out of town i let him stay at my mom place.and he let gurls pick him up over there.and he tell me oh we ain;t together.i no we not together but y u doing that.and we have sex i give him a blow job.and i found out he having unprotected sex and he laugh and says we not togetther why u geeting mad for.i mean you my first that took my virginity why he doing this to me.its lik every time i stand up 4 myself he want to kick me out or something.ploease help me
The Answer
Why are you staying with him?
I mean, that really is the problem here isn't it?
A guy who threatens to kick you out (and I'm assuming your young child as well) is a monster.
It's unjustifiable to uproot a child that, even to threaten it. He shouldn't do it, and you shouldn't let it happen.
Find someplace to live where this doesn't happen. Go home to your mother's if that is an option. Even if it's a group home for young mothers. Sure, you deserve better and you behaving like an idiot to let this guy expose you to STDs, use you for sex, and threaten you and your child, but you are an adult and you can choose to hover around a guy who treats you like shit if you want too, but your child doesn't have a choice and shouldn't suffer just because you are making a bad one. Be smarter then that for their sake.
Until you get yourself and your child safe, you are being a lousy mom. I'm sorry to be so judgmental about it, but it's true: A mother who doesn't protect herself isn't protecting her baby
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The Question
Can you get AIDS or HIV from oral sex? Like if the person who has it does it to you or something?
The Answer
Yes. It's absolutely possible.
It's a bit less risky then some other sexual acts, but the risk is still very, very much there.
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The Question
Is it true that if you dream that you die or that you hit bottom in a falling dream, you will in fact die in your sleep? I hear that a lot and I'm just not sure about it :/ how would you wake yourself up before you died then? help!!
The Answer
Absolutely not.
I can tell you of plenty of dreams I've had where I
'died', and I'm still here.
Many people dream of falling, or drowing, or something fatal like that, but then wake up before actually dying. This is just because our minds, even while we are dreaming, have a strong survival instinct that they just wont let our subconcious go through those motions. But that doesn't mean you can actually die in your dreams.
As for the people who have died in thier sleep, there is ussually a medical reason, but since they aren't around to tell us what they were dreaming at the time, we'll never know. Even still, I'm pretty sure that the physical death would be causing the dream, not the dreams causing the physical death.
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The Question
What do women want? because i have tried my best to please a woman that i really loved by all means, and what do i get? She cheats on me! But i really love her no matter what!
The Answer
Do you really think it’s a good thing that you can a love woman who betrays you and treats you like crap, if you believe you've done everything you can to please her?
It isn't a badge of honour to let people disrespect just because you 'love them no matter what!' that is just kind of dumb. Even if I loved the man who beat me up every evening, I wouldn’t stay with him and put up with it. I might keep on loving him, but I’d do it from the other side of the state with a solid restraining order.
Get some self respect, and don’t put up with this behaviour from a partner! Unless you make it clear this is NOT okay and you won’t accept it now, or in the future, it will happen again because you’ve taught her it’s okay to treat you that way.
If you teach someone that they can get what they want (you!) and the other thing they want too (somebody else on the side), a lot of people will go ahead and do just that. If it's not okay, say so, and be prepared to remove yourself from thier life if they don't change thier behavoir.
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The Question
14/f
1. I'm turning 15 in 3 weeks. I knew this guy, and he's a (graduating) senior, but he's still 17. We used to have a thing, we really were attracted to each other, and we talked a lot but we stopped a few months ago. And I'm gonna see him this summer. And I'll be blunt. I want him again. I've never had a boyfriend/kissed and honestly I just miss him. If things turn out right, I want to hook up with him. I'll be 15, and he'll be 17. Is that..illegal? If we hooked up? But absolutely nothing more...just making out. I just don't want to make trouble or anything.
2. I feel stupid and desperate. I haven't been waiting for him, and staying away from guys at MY school because of him. But the summer is coming up, and I never got to really be with him. I feel like a loser for wanting to get with him again. I'm scared he'll just be like, oh you had your chance. But it's not my fault, we lived in separate towns and it was impossible to meet up with him. I just need opinions on whether I should flirt with him again or keep away and act like he's old news to me. And if I do decide to go for it, how do I go about it? How do I make him want ME so I don't have to chase him and seem really desperate?
The Answer
It depends on your state, you'll need to google the Age of Consent in your state, but it's probably not illegal.
You can't control other people.
Learn this now, because it will make the rest of your dating life waaaaay easier: You can't make him chase you and seem really desperate. It doesn't work like it does in the movies. In the movies there is a director and a bunch of writers making sure that the guy reacts exactly the way they should. It doesn't work like that in real life.
If you want him, flirt with him.
If he is interested, he'll flirt back.
No one, not a girl or a guy, is bold enough to act even a bit desperate without encouragement. So be honest about your feelings for him, just not obessesive, and see how he responds.
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The Question
So I've decided to take extra good care of my body, which includes eating healthy foods, remembering to take my dietary supplements, deep conditioning my hair, and flossing after lunch and dinner, and excercising. But also this includes taking care of my intimates. This is a subject I've never talked about with my mother, and I recently learned that washing the area with just plain water is not enough, you should use a mild soap on the external area. Well, I have been using a body wash, but I don't think it's meant to be used on the vaginal area. I have heard of Summer's Eve Feminine Wash, and that it is made especially for the area and doesn't irritate or upset the pH. Is this product a douche or a soap (internal or external)? Is it safe to use? What are some other ways I can keep the area clean, healthy and fresh?
Oh, and I do know about the yogurt trick (applying sugar free, fruit free, live culture yogurt internally to your vaginal canal to add more good bacteria to help clean it from the inside out and keep it healthy). I also know about the pineapple trick (eating it will make you taste better). Are there any more tips like this?
Oh and it is probably important to note that I do have a funky smell and sometimes a funky discharge (which doesn't depend on the time of month). However I am very sure I don't have an infection because I've had this ever since I hit puberty and I have never had any discomfort, itching, burning, or oddcolored discharge ever. I do swim, however, and I'm pretty sure that its the chlorine that threw my pH out of balance killing off the good bacteria, which is why I'm starting the yogurt treatment as soon as I buy some.
The Answer
Whoever told you that washing with plain water is not enough, was wrong. Completely and utterly wrong.
The vagina is self cleansing. If you are healthy, it will take care of its self without any interference. It's much cleaner then your mouth naturally.
The yogurt trick is only for when you think you have a mild yeast infection or other bacterial imbalance. It's not something you should do regularly. Done regularly it could cause imbalances, rather then stop them. Douching is even worse, there is no 'could' cause imbalances with it: eventually it will make you sick.
Please, please go to a doctor before you shove anything up yourself. A gyno exam is easily the most important part of defending your vagina's health. A degree of smell and discharge is perfectly healthy, and part of your bodies natural routine for cleansing itself. Your doctor can tell you if something seems off.
Unless you doctor tells you otherwise, the following is all you must do to keep your vagina clean and healthy:
Wash with water.
Pat dry. Don't rub or scratch.
Rinse off chlorine shortly after exciting the pool.
Do not wear a wet bathing suit longer then necessary
Wear cotton underwear when possible, especially at night,or no underwear at all when you are sleeping.
Do not use any perfumes or spray, that includes perfumed body washes, pads or soaps in that area. Remember: Just because the sell it doesn't mean it's good for you. Those products out there that claim to make the vagina smell nice and help you, are bad for you just like Twinkies are bad for you. Your body doesn't need or want it.
Have a check up and ask your doctors these questions too. I know they'll back me on the yogurt / douching thing and a regular check up is part of taking care of yourself anyways.
EDIT IN RESPONSE TO FEEDBACK:
I'm totally flabbergasted. I come from a family with two nurses in it, and my old family doctor went on to be the head of medicine at the local hospital, my new gyno is a head doctor at the woman's clinic: ALL of them have told me water only (obviously you can use gentle soaps on the outside lips and area) and absolutely no douching, no yongurt, no nothing, unless I have an infection... That's just really wierd to me you would have been told differently.
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The Question
hello, im a 19/f college student. my stepfather haven't seen eye to eye much lately. i ended up not doing so well in my first semester of freshman year and it made my stepdad disappointed. however, now he's accusing me of failing to spite my mother! my mother ended up arguing before i left for college, but does that make sense that i would deliberately ruin my gpa just to get back at my mother? i couldn't believe it when he said that to me. he's a very stubborn person so i was wondering how i could argue with him civilly and try and state my case. thanks in advance!
The Answer
Don't argue with his statements about trying to 'spite your mother'.
That kind of comment deserves the same kind of respect you would give the comment 'Clearly you are failing because of the aliens spying on you from Pluto'.
It's a silly, baseless, childish accusation. It doesn't deserve even an argument.
So don't argue. DON'T justify. DON'T give evidence or support that you are not spiting you mother.
Instead, say simply and calmly. "That is silly. I'm not spiting my mother. I know it, and she knows it."
If he keeps going at it, just keep repeating "No. I'm not going to discuss your theory, it’s completely baseless.”
Don't talk about the reasons you ARE struggling until he expresses an interest in the real reasons. If he blows off those real reasons and insists you are doing it out of spite or some equally silly reason, go back to the response of "Nope." and end the conversation.
COMPLETELY stupid ideas don't need to be argued with, that gives them power, they simply need to be disregarded.
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The Question
Okay, my boyfriend and I used to have sex at least twice a week, only taking a week break when my monthly friend came to visit. My sex drive is as good as ever but now he's never in the mood. It's been about a month and I've done just about everything I can from subtle hints to flat out grabbing his junk.
He recently got a new job but he doesn't work that much more than he did before. But our relationship is just as strong as it's ever been, just not in the sexual field.
So I'm curious if anyone has any idea what could be causing his sudden decrease in sex drive and what I could do to try and increase it?
The Answer
ASK HIM.
There is probably no magic trick, no mix of underwear or sexy phrases that is going to change the situation. You are going to have to ask him, straight up and firmly.
He's not a moron I'm sure. He knows that the sex habits have changed, and surely he's noticed you rather they hadn't. So you aren't telling him anything he doesn't already know. You are asking him to think about WHY and maybe even what can be done about it.
It's a serious chat, and anything we do online is just navel-gazing guess work. You MUST speak to him.
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The Question
So my boyfriend is about three years older than me.
And through the time we've been dating I've met about all of his friends,
And now I can easily say they're my friends too.
But one of them doesn't seem to like me too much.
He believe that because I'm so much younger than him,
That I'm annoying.
When in reality, I'm not.
He tells me that I purposely try to be 'cute'.
Reallu, I don't think I am.
I guess I'm just viewed that way.
So, anywayy,
I was on the phone with my boyfriend a few minutes ago,
And he's with all his buddies,
And I overhear his friend
Call me an annoying little bitch.
While he's aware I'm on the phone.
I'm not sure if I can get him to change his view on me,
But I'd really like to.
Because it's just kinda weird to me,
That we have all the same friends,
And we ocassionally hang out together,
(Usually with a big group of people when we're getting high)
And he still disrespects me.
But I'm not sure if it's possible anyway,
Because aparently he thinks a girl just a couple months younger than him,
Is a child.
And he's seventeen.
So any advice would really nice.
Thankss,,
The Answer
Regardless of your age, not everyone in this world is going to like you.
Some people are just not going to like you for whatever reason. You have to be okay with that.
Don't try so hard to win him over. He's already suggested to you that he would just find that annoying.
So relax. If he calls you name or is cruel to you, look him straight and the eye and say 'Dude, I know we aren't the best of friends or anything, but don't talk about me like that.'
Get your boyfriend onside as well: It's cool that one of his friends doesn't like you. It's NOT cool for them to call you names. Let your boyfriend know that you'll be standing up for yourself if you are called names by him, and you would expect to have your boyfriends support in that.
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The Question
I don't know if the girl i was in love with really loved me. We dated for 5yrs and she didnt even try to sort out our things before she even went and find herself another man. She didnt think twice about our relationship we had, she just said she was never happy and to think of that how can you go out with someone for 5yrs and realize later that you where never happy? She just said i was an obsessed man, controlling and abuser! Of which i have never treated her badly or even laid a hand on her, or maybe i don't know the meaning of abuse or obsessed. That woman i made sure she got everything wanted, and what is worse is, she came before my family in my eyes and in everything i did. So i am not sure that she really loved me the way i loved her and she keeps on telling me that she wont love another man like the way she loved me.
The Answer
You will never know the truth of another persons heart.
NEVER.
She might have loved you. She might not be very good at treating people she loves properly.
Or she might never have loved you at all, but she might not even know that herself.
You can't peer into someone elses soul.
Make peace with not knowing.
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The Question
ok so i wasnt on my period before all this happen ive had multiple little periods this whole month of may because i was on birthcontrol so a couple days ago i was like i dont want to be on it any more im done i hate HATE having my period and im not having it anymore so i got off it after a while month of being on it so it was two days i havnt been on it and i had sex with my boyfriend with a condom!!!! so ya im good. but hey right before he comes we hear a snap ya and then he cumed oh ya right after the snap now we are the people who go people who say condoms break are a load of bull we use a certain kind all the time but he was out so we used his friends where he got at a local clinic and there crap becuase we always like stretch condoms and they NEVER break like so when it broke we were like oh my god no it didnt we laughed actually i cant beleive it broke and i just JUST got off the birthcontrol now we tried getting the abortion pilll but mind you its a friday like 5 and planed parenthood was free but by the time we got there it was closed and they are closed on weekends so great we are trying to get the pill on monday hopingly. but any way later that night i started bleeding and it just ended now he might have knicked something but it could be because i just got off the pill idont know but i was just wondering if theres a chance of me still getting prego. any thing will help just answer!!!!!
The Answer
EDIT IN RESPONSE:
You will get better answers from people if and when you choose to use vaguely correct grammar and spelling. Your question was difficult to understand. In fact, there is a good deal more advice I would have given you, had I actually been able to make out the details of your question.
It's possible that you are pregnant.
There is no such thing as an abortion pill. Please, do not call it that.
PlanB is an emergency contraceptive pill but it doesn't cause abortions, it just stops you from conceiving (that's when the sperm fertilize the egg). Conception generally happens a few hours or days after sex.
PlanB is supposed to be taken within 72 hours. It starts becoming much less effective after 72 hours.
I don't know what you meant about 'kicking' but rest assured, there is nothing inside you that can kick. Even if you are pregnant, you don't even have a fetus inside you yet. The cells inside you would be smaller then a grain of rice, maybe even smaller then a grain of sand.
Go to Planned Parenthood as soon as you can and let them council you.
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The Question
i dont really know why but for some reason i want to be a stripper when im a little older
im 15. i know its bad but i just really like boy attention..is something wrong with me
The Answer
Nopes.
Lots of people like attention.
However, I'd SERIOUSLY recommend you find something else you'd like to do professionally.
Obviously, being a stripper gives you a VERY short working life. You really only have from 18 (if 18 is the legal age to dance in your state) to maybe 30 (if you take REALLY good care of yourself and get lucky with your looks).
So that isn't long enough to really make it a career. Later in life you will have to have other skills to fall back on.
Also, as I'm sure you can imagine, being a stripper could limit your options. Besides being judged by a lot of people, you'll find it pretty difficult to every work in a whole bunch of fields afterwards. It limits to people who can, or are willing to be your friends, and it will probably upset your family. The strippers I know, even the really upscale-burlesque ones also have a damn hard time dating.
You can always take poll dancing classes for fun when you are a bit older! It's perfectly cool and fun to use some of those tricks and games in your relationship, but it's important to know two things about stripping:
One, it's a short-term thing; you will need to have other skills in this world to survive and thrive. It’s not a lifetime profession.
Two, it's not always seen in a good light. Stripping will limit the other things you can do in life and will limit your social life a lot.
There is of course also the danger, and the drugs and all of that. Some places are worse than others. A club is often not a great work environment.
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