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He has another girlfriend.
I'm recently separated from my husband of 4 years because he was controling, abusive and did alot of things behind my back that made me feel he didnt love me at all. I've always had this coworker that I take my breaks with. We have good conversations and similar interests and I did always like him, but would never do anything because I was commited to my husband. A couple weeks ago we started what I thought was a fling but its escalated and I'm feeling strongly about him. I can't imagine not having him around me and I yearn to feel him when we're apart. I'm not in love, but afraid I could be one day. The problem? He has a girlfriend albeit in another country but they are in a stable relationship and have been for quite some time. She doesn't know about me. And although I have cut my emotional ties to my husband, he's still just as loving with her. I dont expect him to leave her cause thats not an option but I am afraid I'm setting myself up to get hurt. I tell myself that everything we are doing is okay with me but I think I'm in denial. I dont want to get hurt but I dont want to not have him in my life. And what about when he goes home to visit her? Should I just grin and bear it?
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End the fling with the co-worker.
If you don’t expect him to leave his girlfriend, but that is what you would most like, or feel you would most like in the future, end it now.
If you want more than the fling and you believe he won’t be able to provide it, then you are past 'setting yourself up to get hurt'. You are now going to get hurt, period. The question is how much, how badly and how long you'll have to devote to your recovery.
Please remember, as good as this man might be to you, there is a women out there someplace who is not being told the truth by her partner. That is the way your co-worker is capable of his long-term, stable girlfriend. That is, at very least, not very nice, and you are helping him.
Please, get some counselling. Make some new plutonic friends. There are lots of programs out there, even free ones, to help woman transition out of abusive relationships and connect with other women who understand, and who can probably give you a lot of insight into dating and making connections again after what you’ve experienced. But right now you've gone from your husband, who treated you poorly, to this co-worker, who no matter how good a man he is is still betraying his partner, misleading her and cannot really give you the love and affection you want and need.
Continuing on with yet another man, even if he better then the last, who is not respecting you, his girlfriend and who you believe cannot give you the relationship you desire, is only going to widen your already gaping wounds and drag you deeper down into bad patterns of accepting less from a partner then you want, need and deserve.
Take some good lessons from this experience: You ARE desirable. You CAN be treated kindly and nicely. AND you CAN behave respectfully and honestly and end a 'fling' before it evolves into a fiasco. Those are damn good baby steps.
So, tell him you care for him and you can't do this.
Because your conscience, your self-respect and your self-preservation instinct shouldn't allow you to carry on with him like this. This is a time to take care of you, and you know this situation isn’t going to do that, so end it now.
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I'm not saying that this is the problem, but I want to throw it out there anyway, just so you can think about it. Do you think you could be so attached to this guy now because he was somewhat of a support system when you were with your husband, and now that you and your husband are recently separated, you're needing even more support?
I'm not saying that you want your husband back at all. Truthfully, it sounds like you did the right thing by separating from him. But I think it's possible that you're so dependent on your co-worker because you need someone that cares about you right now. I'm sure you really do like your co-worker, but some of these feelings good be so strong because you need his support.
I don't think you should just stand by and be okay with him having a girlfriend. You didn't specify what you meant by you guys starting a 'fling', but if he has cheated on his girlfriend with you, you should talk to him about it. Let him know that your feelings have escalated for him, but that you understand and respect that he has a girlfriend.
You'll know how he feels by how he responds. He's either going to say something along the lines of, "Thank you for being so understanding. My girlfriend and I have been together for a long time and I appreciate you being okay with the boundaries of my relationship with her."
Or he will say something like, "Hey, don't worry about her." or "Oh, no, it's cool." Something that will make you feel like he's just blowing her off. Like he doesn't really care either way about his relationship with her.
If he responds like he doesn't want you to have respect for their relationship (pretty much what it boils down to), he most likely has stronger feelings for you too. But don't let yourself be put on the back burner. Don't let yourself remain the 'other' girl. Let him know that you're not going to further your relationship with him as long as he does have a girlfriend.
If he responds the first way, by saying that he appreciates that you understand, I would assume that his emotions are with his current girlfriend. In that case, as hard as it may be, you're going to have to back off. If you keep trying to pursue it, you really are setting yourself up to be badly hurt. You'll have to be okay with just being friends with him. It doesn't mean that you can't go to him for support and that he can't do the same. It just means you can't take your friendship to the next level at this point.
Good luck,
Darby
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