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Razhie. Advicenators Member Since: June 13, 2005. Answers: 5077. Visitors: 211514.
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The Question
I went to my first gynecological appointment last week and they did a pelvic pap smear on me to make sure everything is working right. They said they will be testing for abnormal cervical cells and making sure I don't have something cancerous or whatever. Anyway, like I said, this was my first doctor's appointment like this and I was wanting to know about how long until I get the results from the tests? I forgot to ask the doctor and now I feel weird calling to just say, "Hey, when do I find out if I have abnormal vaginal cells?" hah THANKS
The Answer
Generally, they wont call you UNLESS there is something abnormal (like cells!).
Depending on where you live / where the lab is, results should turn around in about a week. However, the very best way to find out is to call up your doctor's office and ask the receptionist what the normal procedure is.
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The Question
What does it mean when a guy says he doesn't believe in tittles? Like as in boyfriend or girlfriend
The Answer
It probably means he's not interested in titles, and really just wants to hook up with people.
I can't promise that is what each guy who says this means, but it's the most likely.
You can always ask him for a more accurate understanding.
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The Question
Ok so i'm 18 years old. And im there's something that's been bugging me for the last 4 years. I don't know and i'm confused. See, i was dating this boy and he wanted to have sex. I was a virgin so i was kinda nervous and kept talling him no. This persisted for about a month where i kept saying no and no. But eventually he convinced me that no harm would be done if i was naked. i was stupid and thought that if i gave in and just got undressed maybe he'd drop it and stop asking me for sex. Anyways, we started making out and u got uncomfortable because i felt his hand gtouching my thigh. Then his fingers went inside me. I didn't say anything because it felt good. Well then he got on top of me and said. "Let me put it in you" i got nervous and told him no no no. But he kept pushing. I started to get scared so i scratched his chest but he proceed to pin my thighs open and he just pushed himself inside me, all the while i was crying and asking him to stop. I mean i know i didn't want to have sex. But, i feel like it was my fault too. Maybe i shouldn't have been such a slut and taken my clothes off. I don't know. But now it's gotten to the point where i can't think. I feel used and dirty. And now, 4 years later, i still can't get intimate with any guy because i'm so scared to think that he won't stop when i say "no." so. i don't know. was i raped? Or was it all my own fault?
The Answer
You weren't a slut.
Yes, you were raped.
No, it's not your fault.
You were wrong to take off your clothes. It wasn't safe. Like walking down a dark alley at night. But walking down a dark alley at night doesn't mean you DESERVE to be beaten and killed. A mistake doesn't make it your fault. Everyone makes mistakes sometimes. Mistakes NEVER, ever mean it's your fault if someone rapes you, or shoots you, or tries to kill you. That is still entirely thier fault.
Talk it out with a therapist. There are lots of free programs and support groups for women who were raped. I doubt hearing us here say 'Yes, you were raped. It's not your fault.' is going to be able to make it all better, and change the way you've been thinking about this for years. But you can change the pattern, and it will be much easier and less painful to do that with professional help.
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The Question
So I am a girl and I am in my first relationship with a girl. We have been dating for about 3 months. Well none of my family knows and I feel im not being true to my girlfriend because they dont know. Like when I stay at her house I tell my mom im somewhere else. I am scared to see there reactions but I am in love with the girl. They say its hard comming out but how can I deal with this? She wants us to get our own place too.
The Answer
How old are you? Eighteen? Nineteen?
A basic piece of advice I would give to anyone your age is:
Don't move in with a lover until you have lived on your own for a while.
Maybe you are already living outside of your parents home, which is good. Living by yourself, or with roommates, is an important learning opportunity and part of growing up. You learn to be self-reliant and to manage your own life in a way that just doesn’t happen when you cohabitate.
Regardless of what else is going on in your life, or in hers, the best thing for you personally, is to learn to live on your own for a while, before jumping headlong into cohabitation.
Also, three months is WAAAAAAAAAY too short a period of time to be seriously considering moving in with someone. That’s not advice. That’s just a fact. Latest survey I read out of NYU was that 84% of couples, who move in together after dating for less than a year, break up before 9 months.
Okay, now for coming out.
Don’t mention possibly moving in with her, at all.
That’s like taking someone from Florida to the moon in one conversation. It’s gonna make the scary thing even scarier.
You are the one who knows your family best, but most people suggest the best way to go about it is to tell the parent or sibling you are most comfortable and close too first, and to ask for their advice and support in telling others.
For the best advice about coming out though, read this:
http://www.outproud.org/brochure_coming_out.html
If your family is open to it, give them this link:
http://www.pflag.org/fileadmin/user_upload/Publications/Daughters_Sons.pdf
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The Question
Me and my boyfriend have been together for almost 9 months. im 16 female and hes a 17 male.well i know he has told some people he isnt a virgin. because someone told me that he said that and ive heard him before, but i dont think he knows ive heard he says that. well you know how some guys will say stuff like that just to look cool. well i asked him if he was a virgin or not and to put it on everything to be honest please. and he said he puts it on everything that he is still a virgin. ive asked him this question twice already and both times he says he is one. he doesnt change the conversation or anything. but like once he was mocking me like messing around and said "im not a virgin" and i let it go then a little bit later i asked him again. that was the 2nd time i asked him, and he answered with no he is still a virgin. and like every now and then hell make little jokes and say something like.. "close your virgin eyes" or something. do you guys think hes just messing around with me, or do you think he really isnt a virgin. please help me. and if he isnt a virgin any ways i can get over the fact he isnt one and i still am one? thankyou in advance. please be completely honest and thankyou for taking the time to read all of this
The Answer
Does your boyfriend lie about other things?
Really, either way, the fact that he lies to strangers about being a virgin is kind of not cool. Sure, you are right, people do that, but the fact that lots of other people pirate music doesn't make that cool either. It would be perfectly fair to ask him why he felt the need to lie about it in other situations and even (eep!) what exactly he HAS done, since there is a huge range of things people might do and still technically call themselves a virgin.
If I had to guess, I'd guess your boyfriend is a virgin.
If I were you, I'd choose to believe your boyfriend about him being a virgin. Because if you can't believe him, you are dating a liar. A liar who will lie about a big deal in your relationship.
Finally:
No one is a blank slate. It's a trap we fall into a lot as teens where we feel the need to be somebody’s 'first'. It's silly. No offence meant: But it is silly. I'm twenty-four and it would be unrealistic for me to expect that my new partner has never been in love before, or never had sex before. They probably have a few serious rommantic experiences behind them, and so do I. (Also, by my age, your 'frist' is often not the most serious or strongest memory anymore. Other, far more serious relationships, might have come along in your life.)
You need to learn to be okay with people who have different level of experience then you, and you need to be okay with realizing that everyone has a past, and that past needs to be part of what you adore, not something you pretend isn't there.
So how do you do that? There really aren’t any tricks. You learn to accept what you cannot change and focus on the positives. You learn to have confidence in your own choices and not to feel ashamed because your choices and life experiences haven’t given you exactly what your partner has. You'll never met another person who has the EXACT same life experience as you, not even the person you fall in love with.
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The Question
i need some songs to help me cope...
does anybody know any songs about a guy thats a total tool, jerk, cocky, etc??
my boyfriend and i broke up because he's become such a tool.
every song i can find is about cheating and such and he didn't cheat so they don't really help.
Thanks
The Answer
I used to love this song. It's called 'You Jerk'
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ue4_IEbsgis
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The Question
I have a very loving live-in boyfriend of 1.5 years. I consider him my best friend. I'm all around thrilled with the way things are going and I can see making a life with him ... except for one thing. I recently confirmed some suspicions that, very early in our relationship, he was still involved with an ex-girlfriend.
Something never felt right about the way he talked about his ex. He was evasive and mumbled and was generally unresponsive. Things got worse when I noticed files of hundreds of photos of her on his computer (not hidden). I know that he has had problems with fidelity in the past, despite assurances that he would never be unfaithful to me. I still had no hard evidence, but, as time passed, I began to worry more and more that something was or had been going on with her. I brought it up in passing, mentioning that it's no big deal if he was with her for a few weeks when we first got together, but he adamently denies it.
Despite my 100% certainly that he is not currently cheating on me, I am obsessed with finding out if he is lying about those first few weeks/months. So I snooped through his email last weekend (I know, I know). I just couldn't get these questions out of my head.
And here's what I found: extremely flirty/outright sexual emails between my boyfriend and his ex, dating to about two months into our relationship. They discuss having seen each other, and what sexual things they would like to do to each other (although never outright confirming that they were done). I am not concerned that this has any impact on our current relationship. But I am heartbroken that lied to me about it and I am worried that this incidates a lack of morals on his part. Can I trust him now? Has he fundamentally changed since falling in love with me, or do his lies mean that he might cheat again?
So my questions are as follows: is it worth admitting that I snooped (several times) to air these concerns? Is it worth risking our wonderful current relationship, just to make him admit some past truth? Is the old adage true: once a cheater, always a cheater?
Please help! Thanks.
The Answer
I have a bias, and this is it:
I dated, and fell in love with a guy who I know (he was very honest about this) didn't stop sleeping with his ex girlfriend until he and I met and grew close. He probably would have slept with her again, during our early period of dating, had they had the opportunity, but they didn't have a chance, so it didn't happen. I appreciated his honesty and shrugged it off.
Over two years later our relationship ended the exact same way. He didn't break it off with me, until he had someone else he'd been seeing for a few weeks and was ready to get serious with her.
So that's my bias.
I don't think it's fair to say 'Once a cheater, always a cheater.' but I think you have to be a fool to not realize that a guy who thought it was okay to treat you (and her) that way a year ago, might do it again.
Take a deep breath and let go of some of anger before you speak to him, and yes, start with an apology. Apologize a lot. What you did was wrong. But regardless, let him know that the issues of your concern about his relationship with his ex was an big issue even before you read the e-mails. It mattered to you, and it still matters and you need some honest explanations about why he behaved that way, why he thought it was okay then, and if he feels that sort of thing is okay in general. Write down your questions if it helps you get them straight. Questions like ‘How could you do that too me!?’ are whiny and self-indulgent, and don’t get you the info you need. The information you is answers to questions like “Were you unsure of our relationship, or of your breakup? What about your fears made you feel this was okay? Did you think it was okay or were you conflicted about it?”
Some of his answers will be conflicted and half-truths, that’s to be expected when we talk about something that happened a while ago. But how much he defends his thinking in the face of calm questions about his state of mind will give you some good clues as to whether it was a one-time screw up, or a product of the kind of things this guy just doesn’t have a problem with doing.
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The Question
how long is normal for a woman to have discharge after sex if she isn't pregnant or has no std?
The Answer
Normal women have a small amount of discharge almost constantly. It's part of the vagina's self-clensing and part of being an healthy, adult woman.
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The Question
I am having an extremely hard time forgiving my husband for cheating on me, but for the life of me can't leave him over it. Am I crazy?
The Answer
Nope.
But perhaps some more important questions:
Are you ready to forgive?
What does it mean for your marriage if you are not?
Do you have the tools you need to move forward in a more productive way?
Does he?
Infidelity is a struggle a lot of couples have to face at some point. There is no reason to do it all alone. Get some marital counselling (even if hubby isn't game, go yourself) to help you know what questions to ask, and to talk out your feelings with an intelligent guide. A good counsellor won’t push you to leave him, they’ll understand that cheating doesn’t necessarily mean a marriage is over, and can be recovered from if both parties are serious about it, but they will have a bunch of experience and education in how to make that happen if it’s what the couple wants.
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The Question
My boyfriends best friend was having sex with his girlfriend and the condom exploded and now she might be pregnant. What I want to know is how the heck does a condom explode? If it happened to them I'm terrified its going to happen to us.
The Answer
Condoms don't really 'explode', but they certainly can split open.
This is mainly caused by improper storage. Condoms should be kept in a place away from the sun or extreme heat, where they aren't being bent or beat up (so they shouldn't be kept under matteresses, in pockets or wallets, or glove compartments.)
Condoms shouldn't be used past thier expiry date, you should take some care when you are unwrapping one, that you don't twist or tear the condom itself while you open the wrapper.
Taking sensible percautions and storing your condoms properly will help to keep this from happening, but yeah, the chances are small, but it can still happen despite your best efforts. This is why it's always important for every sexually active couple to have a serious talk about back up plans. That might be using an oral contraceptive as well as condoms, or it might be knowing where and how to get the morning after pill, or any number of other things.
It's important for a mature, responsible couple to have a serious talk about the 'what ifs' of the worse possible senario. So, take this chance to talk to your partner about what you would do if something like this DID happen to you and to make sure you are both taking all the steps to make sure it doesn't.
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The Question
im 15/m
my parents divorced about 3 years ago.
ever since then, me and my older brother had been living with my mom. my dad moved into a condo 5 minutes away.
but not i just started living with my dad while my brother is still living with my mom. but my dad has a new gf that my mom doesnt know about. me and my brother know, but my mom never knew. its almost been a year already.
then yesterday, my bro and my dad had an argument and my bro told my mom everything about my dads gf and how shes been living with us.
she was crushed. everybodys crying especially my mom and i dont know what to do. my dad and bro hate each other and now my mom hates me because she feels like i betrayed her by not telling her all this time. my dad is quiet right now. also me and my bro arent speaking either. everythings going to shit and i dont know what to do.
Please help me.
The Answer
Apologize, sincerely and deeply for keeping this from your mother.
Forgive your brother for acting impulsively in anger.
Realize that your father had no right to put you and your brother in this position in the first place, and the current misery is of his making.
Then back out of it.
It was wrong of your father to keep this from your mother, she has a right to know who is living in a household with her minor children, and it was disgustingly and totally wrong for him to have put you and your brother in the position of having to lie for him. There is just no excuse for that. He’s the adult here, and he screwed up royally.
So apologize to your mom, try to find some peace between you and your brother and without hating him, acknowledge that the blame in this situation falls to your Dad. He screwed up. Next time you speak to him feel free to tell him the cost his selfishness has had for you.
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The Question
ok i did something i regret now ... i went to facebook and Steve was logged in and i didn't even notice. I saw there was a new message and i didn't realise until i was in his inbox that i was under his account not mine. once i was in there i couldn't help but read a message he and an ex of his had been sending back and forth. Apparantly she asked him how i was doing and he didn't answer so in her next one she mentioned "oh i see you didn't answer my question about Julie ... what gives" and this was what was sent next ... my heart sank and i wanna cry ... it made me feel really bad and i dont know what to do. i can't say something to him or he will get mad at me for reading his messages ...
*BF* August 20 at 4:14pm
Well, we are still together and doing well, but we still haven't had sex. We have talked about it, and she told me that if I happened to have sex with someone, she would understand. Because I have been patient with her for almost 4 years now. I'm not going out there and looking for sex from girls, but we talked about the fact that since I haven't had sex in awhile, and if someone is making passes at me, and I don't think I can refuse, she would understand. And I didn't answer the Julie question cuz she was walking into the room as I was sending my last reply, so I didn't want her to catch a glimpse of me talking about her in that capacity.
*EX GF* August 20 at 6:49pm
You go. NO WAY would that ever be me. I have no idea what her particular issue is but I really think you are either a saint for being with her still or truly wacked. Her reasons for not having sex are hers, whatever they are waiting for marriage, what have you, but (playing devils advocate) whats to say that she doesnt continue this after vows are said, because she just isnt into penis.4 years is WAY too long to have lived with a man you profess to love and NOT had consumated with. There is another issue there. Believe me or not. Choose what you wish. No woman that "loves you" would say "I understand" if you have sex with another woman. Sure only if she was secretly relieved that she didnt have to deal with "that" herself. I gain nothing by putting these thoughts in your head. I just want you to think. There is no reason for you to be in a half way relationship unless you are happy that way. And if you are than forgive my opinion. You deserve to be happy.
I mean i am serisouly crushed right now that he is just openly talking about it to her like that ... i mean do i pretend i didn't even read it? Do i just brush it off? what do i do??? im about to flip out seriously ... ug ...
The Answer
Your boyfriend deserves, and is entitled too, a friend who he can talk openly with about serious issues in his life.
It sounds like that is all this ex is: A friend.
There is no rational reason to resent this conversation with his ex: He’s entitled to it.
You don't deserve the betrayal and the nude photos, or the cybering, but you both deserve a relationship that provides for your individual needs.
If he needs physical intimacy in his long-term relationship, that doesn’t make him a bad, sex-obsessed guy (although it doesn’t justify cheating either). It just means those are his values and needs.
If you need to not be having sex, and your values say no sex right now, then you two simply don’t belong together.
If you can’t provide for one another’s needs, then you aren’t going to be a healthy and successful couple. This isn’t about who needs to change, or what is okay for him to do, this is about compatibility and sharing values. You don’t share these values, and you aren’t compatible in this very, very important aspect of a romantic life.
It’s not the lack of sex that is going to kill your relationship: It’s the pain, resentment and complete failure of communication that is inevitable when people have needs and values that CANNOT be reconciled.
If you are planning to get married, get some pre-marital counselling to learn to at least TALK about these very, very different attitudes and values and learn how to TALK about sex.
If you AREN’T planning to get married, end this relationship. Seriously, if you don’t have like a vague timeline in mind, it’s time to start disentangling yourselves. Because frankly, if you aren’t planning to marry this guy after four years, what the hell ARE you doing? After four years together, his ex has a point: It has become a case of shit or get off the pot.
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The Question
can a woman contract hiv or aids from a man just by the penis going inside of the vagina, and nothing at all comes out of it?
The Answer
Yes.
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The Question
Forgive me this is a bit long but please listen..
I have a friend who is 7 weeks pregnant, We have been friends for 13 years. She is not married, Lives at home with her parents and is always asking me for money to help with her gas or too pay for her when we go out.
Since she told me she was exspecting her first child which was about 4 days ago, I have not wanted anything to do with her only because she is not ready to have a child and I am not happy with the decision of her keeping it..However it is her life and she is 23 years old and old enough to make her own choices. Before I found out she was pregnant I have not talked to her in some time because she hasn't been the best of friend to me for a few months now she has lied to me, betrayed me and even talked badly about me behind my back. I know for a fact if I continue to be friends with her all I am going to hear is how she is exspecting this baby etc.. and I frankly don't really want to hear it as I have my own issues and problems in life. I do not know how to tell her I no longer wish to be her friend and I think we should part ways, I don't want to come across as shallow but I have my reasons for not wanting contact with her she is also the type of person where I need to be straight forward with her to get the point across.
The Answer
You've pretty much already made up your mind here.
The final things to do are:
Stop caring if she perceives you as shallow or cruel. That's way beyond your control.
Gently prepare any common friends for the change.
Let her know in a clear, but not cruel way, what your decision is.
Some people will say you obligated to give her your reasons, but I don't feel anybody really needs to justify themselves when it comes to cutting ties with a fair weather friend. It's just a matter of sticking to a single simple message, and not letting yourself get embroiled in any arguments. Arguments with people you don't respect anyways are completely pointless, especially after you've already made up your mind. You'll never make them see it the same way as you do.
The trick to getting someone to accept this message is to make it about you, not about them. So no judgment, and no complaints against her character. In your shoes, this is the kind of message I would give her:
"Although I've enjoyed our friendship in the past, right now I'm struggling with my own life and have been finding our friendship very difficult to maintain. I don't believe we can provide for each others needs right now, we are just in very different and difficult places in life. So I have decided that I am not going to continue with this friendship any longer. I want to wish you best of luck with the pregnancy and all possible happiness."
That second last sentence is the power one, and the one you repeat as much as necessary. "I have decided" can't be argued with. People try to change the subject, to make you justify WHY you've decided, but if you don't let it go there, the simple statement of a decision will eventually be accepted.
Of course, this is only necessary IF she keeps seeking you out for friendship. After telling you about her pregnancy, she might go back to being silent. It's just one of those things people feel the need to tell everyone. If you hadn't spoken for months before that conversation, I'd just let it lie, and see if she goes away on her own, without you telling her too.
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The Question
Apparently Michael Jackson's recent death was labeled as a homicide. From what I understand, his doctor, Conrad Murray, is being held responsible for Michael Jackson's death because he administered lethal dosages of the drug propofol. If this is true then why isn't it referred to as murder? I mean, wouldn't they be the same thing? I'm seriously missing something, I think. Could somebody clear this up for me and let me know the difference between a homicide and a murder? Maybe they're the same thing only there's two different words for it..?
The Answer
Homicide means 'killing someone' and murder means 'killing someone unlawfully and with premeditated malice'.
So, all murders are homicides, but not all homicides are murders.
Murder is always criminal. Homicide is sometimes legal.
Homicide can be deemed by a court to be murder, or it could be something else like manslaughter or recklessness endangerment. Or they could even say that yep, a homicide took place but it wasn't illegal or no one can be held responsible for it.
When people are writing in the papers, they almost always say homicide when someone is accused, because murder implies guilt and the intention to kill, where homicide only implies that someone is dead and that someone else could be responsible. It's part of presuming a person innocent until proven guilty. A person should never be called a murderer until convicted of that crime. The court might end up actually charging this doctor with manslaughter, or murder, but until the charge is laid it's wrong for responsible journalist to use the word murder.
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The Question
I am a person who believes in god but I do not believe that god is a person.
I believe in god but I also do not really believe in religion...
I googled it, They said you call that type of person atheist or theist but here is my question I believe in reincarnation and spirits the paranormal etc. I am so confused, What is this labeled as? Theist, Atheist? Do Atheist believe in reincarnation and happenings? Ugh.. I'm lost
*Puzzled..*
The Answer
Theists believe in a god or gods.
Monotheists believe in only one God.
Polytheists believe in many gods.
Pantheists believe that God, literally IS the world. The Universe = God.
Atheists don't believe in God or any other deities. Period.
Although you will find some atheists who might believe in reincarnation, if you believe in God, even if that God is not a 'personal god', you aren't an atheist.
From what you've said here, you are probably a Deist. Google that.
Deism is the religious or philosophical belief that a supreme being (God) created the universe and that that being doesn't require organized religion to be understood but you can use reason and observation of the natural world.
The important thing to remember about all of these titles, is that in many cases you can be more than one. A Deist is still a type of Theist as well.
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The Question
i have been smoking a lot of weed and i recently have gotten migraines from it. is that possiable? because research shows that marijuuana relieves migraines.
The Answer
Smoking anything decreases the amount of oxygen in your blood stream. For some people that doesn't have much effect, for others it can cause all sorts of nastiness, like migraines, and nausea and the like.
However, pot or no pot, migraines are serious business. Stop smoking, but if the migraines don't go away, see a doctor and be honest with them about your drug habits and your symptoms.
(It doesn't kill braincells for goodness sake! Such a silly myth. Heavy, long-term smoking can absolutely make you 'dumber' but that is because it screws with your ability to remember information and therefor to learn new skills, not because it 'kills' anything.)
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The Question
Im really sorry this is abit long...ok some of you may have seen my recent question where i told you i liked this guy at my uni and really wanted to try talkign to him but was unsure if he liked me back. we always give eachother a look and our eyes always meet but i still wasnt sure if he was interested. To me he seems like hes a shy, mature person that spends alot of his time at the library.
this is the update...my friend went upto the guy and asked him if he had a girlfriend and he said to her he did. i really wasnt sure if she actually went upto him or if she just told me he said he has a gf so that ill shut up or maybe he said it because he wasnt interested in her.
anyway i picked up my feminine balls, not litrally, but yeah i wrote him a letter saying that i was sorry to embarress him and that it was me that wanted his number not my friend and i just apologised and left my number at the end of the note and gave it to him, the reason i gave him i note was because we were at the library.
Its been two weeks and he still hasnt called or sent me a message or anything and i thought well hmm maybe he does have a girlfriend and if thats true then i respect him for not calling but two days ago we walked past eachother and he just looked at me. we were both looking at eachother as if we were the only two people on the campus. while he looked at me he kinda like trailed his eyes down and took a glimpse at my body but i wasnt sure if he was checking me out then he looked back up at my eyes.
IT WAS REALLYY WEIRDD! i really dont get it!i give him my number he doesnt use it but he has the nerve to look at me?i feel led on lol.
Oh did i mention at this time i tried to smile but it was a retarded smile, my friends said that it doesnt even look like a smile so thats probibly why he didnt smile back and just kept looking at me.
What impression do you get from this? Why would he not call me but still seemingly check me out or look me in the eyes? It felt like we had a moment, a silent one but still...
Any advice would be good thank you!
The Answer
Facts:
He's not into you.
He might have a girlfriend.
Impression:
You are reading waaaaay too deeply into his looks at you.
Even if, and it's terribly, horribly unlikely in my mind, but I'll say it anyways: Even if he is into you in some way, and also feels you had 'a moment' it's pretty clear at this point that he's not going to pick up his literal male balls and do anything about it!
Stop making eye contact. You aren't even friends. For all you know the only reason he was staring at you was because he felt you were staring at him (or better yet, he was trying to make sure he actually recognized you! I mean really, you two have never even spoken right? He might not be sure which girl you are!)
Please, let it go before it gets totally out of hand, and the next time you need to screw up the courage to communicate with a guy, manage a little bit more and do it in person, so you can get the real, direct message straight from him, rather then rely on friends and letters that can be confusing for a stranger, or simply ignored.
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The Question
The other problem: After last night's ordeal, I woke up this morning and discovered that one of my best friends likes my ex who I am still partially attached too, even though we broke up awhile ago. I wouldn't wanna be with him, but he was my first boyfriend and I feel territorial about it.
Anyways, he likes her back and they talked about hanging out more to see if they wanna have a relationship. I told my friend that I wouldn't be a good friend if I tried to keep them apart, so she was grateful of that. I'm trying to do the right thing here, but its going to be really hard to see them together. Is it wrong to feel this way? If I were to ask my friend not to confide in me about this one particular guy and relationship, would that be understandable? I don't want to hear her details about her experience with my ex. It would make me jealous.
The Answer
It's not wrong to feel this way.
You did the right thing in giving your friend space to make her own choices.
It wouldn't be the least bit wrong to ask your friend not to give you the gory details about her and your ex. That would be totally fair.
Eventually, if they do have a relationship, you will need to find a way to be okay seeing them togeather if you want to keep her friendship. It wouldn't be right to flat out refuse to hang out with the both of them. But that issue is still a little while off. You've got a few weeks at least before you might, possibly need to handle such a thing.
For now, go ahead and let your friend know, in a gentle and supportive way, that although you want her to be able to talk to you, you just aren't comfortable hearing details about this right now, and to ask her to keep it to only the most basic facts on the matter and to save her gushing for other people.
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The Question
f/16
So last night, this guy that I've liked for a few weeks rejected me. When we first started talking, it was great because the two of us would have actual conversations with detailed answers and questions. But overtime he begin to lose interest in talking and his answers got shorter to the point of one word messages.
Originally, we were going to make plans to hang out and go the movies. But last night I was trying to talk to him online, and I mentioned that I'd still like to make plans to hang out. He said that his mom wouldn't let him leave the house until his summer work was done (my mom made the same rule)so I said maybe once school started and said yeah maybe. Then, sensing some tension I said that he could just say no if he didn't want to. So he responded with...
"No, I dont not want to." Confused by this answer, I asked what did he mean. After a few minutes, he finally answered...
"I think you want to hang out with me more than I want to hang out with you." Shocked, I said...
"I don't get it. Don't you wanna be friends?" And he replied....
"No I do, but I think you wanna be more than friends." I was kind of upset, so I didnt say anything for a couple minutes until finally I replied...
"Well I don't really know what to say. I guess I'm sorry." And then he said...
"Its ok. I've just been thinking about it and I thought I should tell you sooner than later." Then I said...
"Thanks for that. I hope we can still be friends." And he said...
"Yeah." Out of curiosity I asked...
"Is there someone else you like? Is that why you're not interested?" And he said...
"Yeah there is this girl I've liked for a while."
Then I asked him about it and he went on to tell me that they had previously been together a few months before, but she ended it by telling him that she didn't think she liked him anymore. But he told me that he thinks they will eventually probably get back together and that now they are one of each others best friends.
So...I'm just confused. If the girl told him that she didn't think she liked him anymore, why does he think they will get back together? I just really wanna tell him that he shouldn't wait for something that might not happen, you know? Take advantage of the opportunities in front of you now (aka me). At least hang out with me and give me a chance. We met in a film acting class and only got to know each other a little bit through that. Whats your view on this situation?
The Answer
He's just not that into you.
Not right now anyways, and he's been honest and respectful enough to let you know there isn't much hope that he'd become more into you in the future.
A bit of advice for the rest of your romantic life:
Just giving someone a chance is never a good idea.
It's never worked out well for me. I've never seen it work out well for anyone else either.
Rationally, there is no reason it would.
Giving someone a chance means going against your gut instinct and trying to force a spark where one doesn't exist. It raises the expectation of the other person and leads them to believe there might be actual potential, when there really isn't. It's basically hoping that you can 'fake it, till ya make it' and that's not a good approach to a love life. That’s asking for confusion, guilt and wounded hearts.
If you are ever disinclined to date someone, don’t give them a chance. Kindly and respectfully be honest about just not being into them like that.
If anyone every says they’d be willing to just ‘give you a chance’, screw up your courage and self-worth and say “Look, if you aren’t any more interested in me then just doing me the favour of giving me a chance, then let’s call the whole thing off. I need and deserve more than that from a romantic interest.”
Because you do. You need and deserve more than that. So does he.
Respect his choice, even if you think his reasons are faulty. Just because he and this other girl probably wont get another chance, doesn't mean it would be a good idea for him to give you one.
Take a deep breath. Deal with your disapointment, and try to develop a friendship with him (if you want one).
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