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Cheating very early in our relationship ... is it a big deal?
I have a very loving live-in boyfriend of 1.5 years. I consider him my best friend. I'm all around thrilled with the way things are going and I can see making a life with him ... except for one thing. I recently confirmed some suspicions that, very early in our relationship, he was still involved with an ex-girlfriend.
Something never felt right about the way he talked about his ex. He was evasive and mumbled and was generally unresponsive. Things got worse when I noticed files of hundreds of photos of her on his computer (not hidden). I know that he has had problems with fidelity in the past, despite assurances that he would never be unfaithful to me. I still had no hard evidence, but, as time passed, I began to worry more and more that something was or had been going on with her. I brought it up in passing, mentioning that it's no big deal if he was with her for a few weeks when we first got together, but he adamently denies it.
Despite my 100% certainly that he is not currently cheating on me, I am obsessed with finding out if he is lying about those first few weeks/months. So I snooped through his email last weekend (I know, I know). I just couldn't get these questions out of my head.
And here's what I found: extremely flirty/outright sexual emails between my boyfriend and his ex, dating to about two months into our relationship. They discuss having seen each other, and what sexual things they would like to do to each other (although never outright confirming that they were done). I am not concerned that this has any impact on our current relationship. But I am heartbroken that lied to me about it and I am worried that this incidates a lack of morals on his part. Can I trust him now? Has he fundamentally changed since falling in love with me, or do his lies mean that he might cheat again?
So my questions are as follows: is it worth admitting that I snooped (several times) to air these concerns? Is it worth risking our wonderful current relationship, just to make him admit some past truth? Is the old adage true: once a cheater, always a cheater?
Please help! Thanks.
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I be pissed if that was my boyfriend. But i have a little fun with it. I print out the evidence. Talk to him slowly about it. Than he denies it the third time i be like in a (calm voice) oh yeah than what's this and threw the edvince down in front of him in a folder and tell him look threw it. Than i walk off steaming mad to let him sour in his lies.
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You've just about hit the target with all the cheating clues. If it were me, You bet I would bring it up that I snooped around. Not only would I be steaming through the roof but there is no excuse for him having a file of photos with his ex girlfriend while he is involved with you. At 1.5 years, That is a long time to STILL have photos of someone eles laying around. However, Not only is that the case but "the way he talks about her?" The fact that he even talks about her at all should give you a heads up. Pointing this out...
Here is what you said:
extremely flirty/outright sexual emails between my boyfriend and his ex, dating to about two months into our relationship. They discuss having seen each other, and what sexual things they would like to do to each other (although never outright confirming that they were done
Well, Clearly he has thought about cheating on you right there, I don't know if he actually went through with it or not but the fact is he was sneaking around talking to her and planning on seeing her again not only that but talking sexual to her as well. The fact is he did pretty much cheat on you, Cheating doesn't always mean you need to have sexual contact with another. The relationship can't be that wonderful if he played you early in the relationship. (Sorry but that's the truth) If someone played me like that they'd be out the door without hesitation. Yes, In my mind once a cheater ALWAYS a cheater.
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I have a bias, and this is it:
I dated, and fell in love with a guy who I know (he was very honest about this) didn't stop sleeping with his ex girlfriend until he and I met and grew close. He probably would have slept with her again, during our early period of dating, had they had the opportunity, but they didn't have a chance, so it didn't happen. I appreciated his honesty and shrugged it off.
Over two years later our relationship ended the exact same way. He didn't break it off with me, until he had someone else he'd been seeing for a few weeks and was ready to get serious with her.
So that's my bias.
I don't think it's fair to say 'Once a cheater, always a cheater.' but I think you have to be a fool to not realize that a guy who thought it was okay to treat you (and her) that way a year ago, might do it again.
Take a deep breath and let go of some of anger before you speak to him, and yes, start with an apology. Apologize a lot. What you did was wrong. But regardless, let him know that the issues of your concern about his relationship with his ex was an big issue even before you read the e-mails. It mattered to you, and it still matters and you need some honest explanations about why he behaved that way, why he thought it was okay then, and if he feels that sort of thing is okay in general. Write down your questions if it helps you get them straight. Questions like ‘How could you do that too me!?’ are whiny and self-indulgent, and don’t get you the info you need. The information you is answers to questions like “Were you unsure of our relationship, or of your breakup? What about your fears made you feel this was okay? Did you think it was okay or were you conflicted about it?”
Some of his answers will be conflicted and half-truths, that’s to be expected when we talk about something that happened a while ago. But how much he defends his thinking in the face of calm questions about his state of mind will give you some good clues as to whether it was a one-time screw up, or a product of the kind of things this guy just doesn’t have a problem with doing.
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