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did something i regret ...
ok i did something i regret now ... i went to facebook and Steve was logged in and i didn't even notice. I saw there was a new message and i didn't realise until i was in his inbox that i was under his account not mine. once i was in there i couldn't help but read a message he and an ex of his had been sending back and forth. Apparantly she asked him how i was doing and he didn't answer so in her next one she mentioned "oh i see you didn't answer my question about Julie ... what gives" and this was what was sent next ... my heart sank and i wanna cry ... it made me feel really bad and i dont know what to do. i can't say something to him or he will get mad at me for reading his messages ...
*BF* August 20 at 4:14pm
Well, we are still together and doing well, but we still haven't had sex. We have talked about it, and she told me that if I happened to have sex with someone, she would understand. Because I have been patient with her for almost 4 years now. I'm not going out there and looking for sex from girls, but we talked about the fact that since I haven't had sex in awhile, and if someone is making passes at me, and I don't think I can refuse, she would understand. And I didn't answer the Julie question cuz she was walking into the room as I was sending my last reply, so I didn't want her to catch a glimpse of me talking about her in that capacity.
*EX GF* August 20 at 6:49pm
You go. NO WAY would that ever be me. I have no idea what her particular issue is but I really think you are either a saint for being with her still or truly wacked. Her reasons for not having sex are hers, whatever they are waiting for marriage, what have you, but (playing devils advocate) whats to say that she doesnt continue this after vows are said, because she just isnt into penis.4 years is WAY too long to have lived with a man you profess to love and NOT had consumated with. There is another issue there. Believe me or not. Choose what you wish. No woman that "loves you" would say "I understand" if you have sex with another woman. Sure only if she was secretly relieved that she didnt have to deal with "that" herself. I gain nothing by putting these thoughts in your head. I just want you to think. There is no reason for you to be in a half way relationship unless you are happy that way. And if you are than forgive my opinion. You deserve to be happy.
I mean i am serisouly crushed right now that he is just openly talking about it to her like that ... i mean do i pretend i didn't even read it? Do i just brush it off? what do i do??? im about to flip out seriously ... ug ...
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Honestly the situation is not good. You should really talk to him about what you read, if it was an honest mistake than you shouldn't feel bad about it and if he had nothing to hide than he shouldn't be mad about it. Sounds like the ex is no good whether she was trying to start something or not she was putting info in his head that made you sound bad. If you aren't ready for sex than he should respect that. If he loved you he would wait and be patient. The only mistake I think you made was when you told him that you would understand if he cheated on you. It is never okay for a guy to cheat and you should not give him that excuse. You really do need to sit down and have a talk with him. You cant just let him keep doing what he is doing especially if it affecting you like this. The nude pictures of the girl is not acceptable and if he had any respect for you he wouldn't do that. Let him know how you feel now before its to late, and if I were you I would take back what you said about understanding if he cheats on you.
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This is why its never wise to read anyone's personal emails, diaries, etc. You might not like what you see in them. I realize it was a mistake, but you're paying the price anyway. Regardless, you've already seen it, so what now? Well, it isn't really appropriate for your boyfriend of 4 years to be talking so intimately with an ex, especially about you. It sounds like he's frustrated and needs someone to talk to. But he should reach out to another guy he trusts, not an ex-girlfriend. However, the ex did say something that caught my attention. "No woman that "loves you" would say "I understand" if you have sex with another woman. Sure only if she was secretly relieved that she didnt have to deal with "that" herself. " There may be a little truth to that statement. I believe you really do love your boyfriend, or you wouldn't be so hurt now, but telling him you understand if he has sex w/ someone else? That's a little strange. You didn't really elaborate on your reasons for not having sex. I personally believe sex should be saved for marriage, when its safer both physically and emotionally. I don't know if you feel the same, but obviously your boyfriend doesn't. He must truly care for you to have been with you this long. So far he hasn't taken you up on your offer for "sex with other people". But why would you want to be with a man who would do that? There is so much I'd like to say, but it would take forever. Probably the most responsible choice you've made in this whole deal is abstaining from sex, so don't second-guess yourself, but you may need to ask yourself some serious questions. Why exactly are you abstaining? If it is something other than moral reasons, do you need help? Would it be better to be with a man who shared your same values? What would you really do if he did sleep with someone?
Finally, you really do need to talk with him about what you saw. And it sounds like he needs you to talk about the whole sex thing. He actually sounds hurt that you said he could sleep around. So talk to him. You both need to be plain and clear about what type of relationship you have, where its going, what you would like it to be, and what the boundaries are. Otherwise, staying with him is likely to cause more pain than happiness. I hope this helps, at least a little. Good luck to you.
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Your boyfriend deserves, and is entitled too, a friend who he can talk openly with about serious issues in his life.
It sounds like that is all this ex is: A friend.
There is no rational reason to resent this conversation with his ex: He’s entitled to it.
You don't deserve the betrayal and the nude photos, or the cybering, but you both deserve a relationship that provides for your individual needs.
If he needs physical intimacy in his long-term relationship, that doesn’t make him a bad, sex-obsessed guy (although it doesn’t justify cheating either). It just means those are his values and needs.
If you need to not be having sex, and your values say no sex right now, then you two simply don’t belong together.
If you can’t provide for one another’s needs, then you aren’t going to be a healthy and successful couple. This isn’t about who needs to change, or what is okay for him to do, this is about compatibility and sharing values. You don’t share these values, and you aren’t compatible in this very, very important aspect of a romantic life.
It’s not the lack of sex that is going to kill your relationship: It’s the pain, resentment and complete failure of communication that is inevitable when people have needs and values that CANNOT be reconciled.
If you are planning to get married, get some pre-marital counselling to learn to at least TALK about these very, very different attitudes and values and learn how to TALK about sex.
If you AREN’T planning to get married, end this relationship. Seriously, if you don’t have like a vague timeline in mind, it’s time to start disentangling yourselves. Because frankly, if you aren’t planning to marry this guy after four years, what the hell ARE you doing? After four years together, his ex has a point: It has become a case of shit or get off the pot.
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