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Razhie. Advicenators Member Since: June 13, 2005. Answers: 5077. Visitors: 211514.
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The Question
My parents just got separated after over thirty years of marriage. I knew well in advance that it would eventually happen, and today I found out that my dad moved out. I know that it is for the best- they could not possibly go on with a lifeless marriage.
My dad is doing fine, and has a plan set in mind as to where he will live, what he has to do to eventually finalize a divorce, etc., My mom, on the other hand, is not taking any of this well. She was shocked, and insisted she wanted to work on herself and make things better- we all know, by the way, that things are broken beyond repair, and have been for as long as we can remember. So my concern has to do exclusively with my mom.
To add, I go to grad school out of state, and my siblings live in a different city as well. We are not physically there, so she has been calling and pleading with us a few times in one day alone. I keep insisting that it will be for the better, and that they cannot continue living miserably. But my mom (who is extremely volatile emotionally) keeps calling, basically yelling over the phone, saying how she wanted to make things better, but he left her, that she can't see why we won't convince him to move back, and that he should just live in a different room (in the same house). I keep on telling her very logical things like, the marriage was miserable for years and years, that you cannot live in separate rooms (either live peacefully together, or live separately). So long story short, she will not really listen to any of us, and wants to somehow prove that she would have made things better, and that now the family is broken, etc.,
I am very stressed out, and busy with grad school, and this is all adds to my stress-emotionally. I don't know what to do--I mean, I know in my mind that I cannot possibly make my mom see things our way, but I can't stop thinking about what she is thinking and going through. I am also stressed out about the fact that this is really it- it's done. I mean, I knew it would happen, and now it's really hit me that it has happened.
So I guess what I'm meaning to ask is, how do you deal with your parents divorcing? And how can I constructively deal with my mom, when she is being so difficult?
The Answer
Just listen to your Mom, as much as you can.
Decide how much time you can devote to a phone call, or to phone calls, from your mother in a given day or week. If you aren't reachable by phone on say, Tuesdays, tell her that in advance and when you'll be able to call her back (and DO call her back when you say you will.)
Then stop trying to solve her problem. You know you can't fix her, you just need to fix YOUR need to fix her.
The following phrases aren't guaranteed to quell her anger, but they might do the trick. Even if they don't calm her down, they give her less to get upset about.
Memorize them, practice them, have them on a sticky note when you talk to your mom:
"I don't think that's true Mom, but I understand that you really do."
“You know I disagree Mom, but I know this is really hard for your regardless.”
"Yes, it is really painfully for the whole family when a marriage breaks up."
It doesn't do you any good to try and convince her that there is nothing she could have done. If she wants to believe there is, what does it benefit you to argue with her? There is a difference between disagreeing and arguing. By all means, stand by the point you disagree with her perspective HOWEVER acknowledge her feelings and views as well and do NOT argue with her. It's pointless and stressful for you both.
As for yourself, it's a bit early on to give you any guidance. You knew it was coming and now it's just a matter of baby steps and putting one foot in front of the other. Just don't take more on yourself then you can bear.
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The Question
For my Sociology class we have to break a social norm. For example: wearing fake super long fingernails, or dying your hair.. etc.. I have to do this for 5 days. Can anyone come up with some really creative ideas!? :D thanks! Oh and btw im a girl, so keep that in mind as well!
The Answer
Shave your head.
I know, that might a bit intense/permanent for you, but I was having a conversation with a bunch of 20-30 year old women a week ago, many of whom had shaved their heads at some point, either by choice, or for charity or because of illness, and each of them talked about what a drastic, life-affirming thing it was. It really made them get in touch with their own self-confidence and self love, as well as (a few of them felt) feeling a bit bare or exposed made them feel more friendly and courageous in new situations. Each girl mentioned how, at times in her life, she has ‘hid’ behind her hair, and what an experience was like to have it not there anymore.
So that would be my suggestion, although I’m sure it’s pretty daunting, even if you don’t do it for this project, at some point in your life, give it a try. It’s can be an unexpected but powerful journey of self discovery.
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The Question
this might be a little long, but please bear with me
i just started talking to this girl, were both in high school. ive been talking to her on mysapce for like a week and shes prety and all.
so what i do is that i say "oh u looked nice at school today" or "oh nice pic" and stuff like that.
everythigns going good....and then i decide to ask for her number. AND I DIDNT ASK IN A PIMP WAY> i just asked straight up "hey, whats ur number"
THATS IT. and then like ten minutes later she tells one of her guy friends to message me and he said that i was freaking her out....... WOW.
all i did was ask for her number and she told me that im hitting on her. WELL TO BE HONESt, I AM.
WELCOME TO THE REAL WORLD.
BUT WHAT DID I DO WRONG? now she wont respond.
and please dont say that i came on too strong, because MILLIONS of hotshot white jocks come on girls WAYYYY FASTER.
ANd the girls love it. WHAT DO I HAVE TO DO. do i have to be mr perfect hercules? GODDDD this is so confusing and stupid and pathetic.
please help.
The Answer
What you need to do, is be approachable and friendly IN PERSON as well as online.
Online only is creepy by definition. It stunts conversation, keeps things direct and removes all of the context of tone of voice and body language. A sentence like 'What' your phone number?' can easily sound like a demand online, rather then a friendly lets-keep-talking request.
The same problem can happen the other way too! You think she's been 'talking' to you for a week, and she might not even realize you keep messaging her. What you think of as a conversation she might just think of as typing short polite responses to this guy from school she doesn't even know.
IN PERSON IS IMPORTANT.
It humanizes. Lets a girl know you are interested in a personal level. The more important the message you want to convey to a girl, the more important you do it in person, where you both can judge each others complete reactions, not just a few words on a screen.
So what do you need to do? Open your eyes to the actual girl. Screw up your courage and look her in the eye when you ask for her number, or for a date, or for anything else even a little bit important. You'll be less likely to miss important messages (like, "I'm uncomfortable. and not into you." if you address her as a person and not an online entity. You're also less likely to be seen as creepy because you'll be nervous and even the girl isn't interested, that will help her see that you are sincere, not creepy.
Hotshot jocks do come on to girls way faster, but thats in large part because they have the confidence to approach a girl in real life and the experience to read the non-verbal signals she is sending off. Without building a strong in-person friendship first, most girls wont respond very well to being hit on exclusively online.
You don't have to be perfect, you just have to put forth a bit of extra effort to let a girl know you, the real person you, not the you behind a keyboard, before you try to make a move.
Also, you need to accept some people are just crazy. She might just be nutso. Let it go, do better next time,
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The Question
i heard that there are certain schools that require a head shot when you apply and they'll only let you in if you're like pretty enough or whatever... does anyone know if this is true and if so what schools are like this?
The Answer
Many acting or film programs require headshots.
Some schools require photos to be provided, mostly at the gradute level, so that they can save the money and not have to have everyone pose from thier photo id.
No school could, legally or ethically, deny a person attending based soley on apperance. I can't even believe most programs that don't require performance could possible demand a headshot: it wouldn't be hard to shoot that requirement down as a human rights voilation.
It's like begging to be sued. I'll be curious to see if anyone can actually think of a school that does this... I'm beting it's just an urban legend made up by insecure highschool students.
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The Question
I just had sex this past weekend with my boyfriend for the first time. We were both virgins, both had been with other people sexually, and we used protection. Lately, for the past couple of days, I have noticed a very slight burning when I urinate. It hasn't been too bad until just today, when I woke up at 5 am with pain so intense I had to go out and buy some UTI medicine (AZO), assuming it was a UTI from searching symptoms online.
Is there any chance that I have anything other than a UTI? And how can it be caused by protected sex? We used condoms as well as lube, so I'm thinking one of the two things may have caused the infection. Also, is it necessary to get antibiotics to treat a UTI?
Thanks!
The Answer
It sounds like a UTI, but of course there is a 'a chance' it's something else. Not a huge chance, but it exists.
It's always a good idea to go for a check up when you first start having sex.
UTIs are more common in sexually active women. It doesn't matter about protection, a UTI is basically caused by bacteria that doesn't belong, getting pushed up into your urinary tract. So it has more to do with not cleaning up after sex properly. Showering after sex is a good idea if you are prone to UTIs, or at very least, take a moment and gently wash the lube off of yourself. Don't wait 2 hours, cuddle for a minute, and then clean.
If you keep getting UTIs you could change your lube and condom brands. That might help, but fundamentally it's a cleanliness issue and some women are just more prone to them then others. If you find you are just abnormally prone to them, talk to your doctor, there are some approached to take.
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The Question
http://www.flickr.com/photos/briansphotopage/3357192559/
OH MY GOSH! What kind of dog is this and how big do they get hahaha I would love it if it stayed that small, but I'm guessing it doesn't :( Does anyone know? Thanks
The Answer
It's a pomeranian, and he might be fully grown. They are a pretty small dog.
He also just had his hair cut though. That is what makes him look like a fuzzy puppy. They normally have much longer hair than that.
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The Question
I'm just curious.
All my life every time I eat ice cream, eat cereal, drink a shake or a smoothie, I ALWAYS start coughing and clearling my throat multiple times for like fifteen minutes after.
All of these things have dairy in them.
So I'm thinking I might be a little bit allergic?
I get link a pinching in my throat that makes me need to cough or clear my throat. It;s not like a break out in hives or my throat puffs up so I can;t breath.
So if I am allergic, it's extremely minor enough that I can still consume dairy products.
But like I said, I'm just curious, do you think I'm allergic?
The Answer
Almost no one is actually, technically, medically, allergic to dairy. There are lots of reasons for this I won’t bother going into but...
It's almost always what doctor’s call an ’intolerance’.
I have a few food intolerances but what you describe doesn't really sound like a standard response for a food intolerance. I’m sure it’s not a crisis, it might be an intolerance to dairy, or maybe some common preservative or other item in those dairy products. But I’d still say you should mention it to a doctor next time you go for a check-up. I don’t like the idea of taking chances with any medical concern that causes any kind of breathing difficulty.
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The Question
I have been dating my boyfriend for just on fourteen months now. He is perfect. When I say this I mean it. He treats me with more respect I could have ever thought possible there is never a moment he isn't complimenting me or telling me that he loves me. He does everything I ask of him and never ever complains. He never yells at me, has never ever called me a bad name, not even stupid or idiot - nothing. But having him has come at a price, he is so attached and so in love with me that we often spend most of our free time together, this has resulted in me losing the majority of my friends and even had friends present me with an ultimatum, them or him. I'm nearly 20 years old, so immaturity really shouldn't be an excuse for my friends. But I can't round it down to anything else.
But now all I have left in my life is him. I don't know what to do. I have stayed in this relationship mainly for him because he loves me so much and because I know what it would do to him if I were to end it. But I'm not happy. I have grown increasingly depressed over the past year and have found myself conpletely socially isolated overweight and extremely lonely. I was once very socialble I had a large group of friends and was pretty much known for going out and having a good time.
I did love him, but my life has morphed into something I hate and I am starting to resent his love rather than cherish it. EVERYONE says that we are perfect for each other. That we were made for each other. And I used to think that too. When we hug I fit in perfectly, we always agree and have so much in common. But I think its unfair for me to feel like I have to stay with him because he loves me. I need to feel as though I love him too, but all I feel is resentment.
Should I stay with him? He is perfect in every way and i know there are hardly any men out there that would treat me as well as he does. Or is it unfair to both of us if I stay?
Please help, I can't sleep over this.
The Answer
Have you really tried to find a compromise with your boyfriend where you can have both your friends and him? Do you feel that is worth a shot?
The simple truth is, this guy is going to lose you if he doesn't work on his clinginess and co-dependence . (He will also loose most other women because of this. Most people aren’t okay with this sort of relationship in the long term. It’s lonely, and it’s a lot of pressure.)
Have you told him that this issue could bring on the end of the relationship?
You should. Straight up.
Tell him you aren’t happy because an aspect of your life is missing.
Tell him the reason this aspect of your life is missing is because you felt you couldn’t have it and keep him. (Don’t blame him, it’s not a case of “You MADE me give it up!” it’s a case of “I made the choice to give it up, because I thought I couldn’t have it, and you.”
Tell him you can’t carry on and be happy without integrating some of your old social events back into your life.
Tell him if you can’t be happy, eventually your relationship will fall apart and your feelings for him will die.
Be kind and firm and direct when you tell him this.
Then MAKE A PLAN.
Start small: It can be as simple as declaring that you will spend one night a week hanging out with other people. It’s best if you invite him along at first, but remind him that there will be times when he NOT invited, and that he needs to be okay with that. For a month or so, stick to the plan. Leave it at ONLY what you told him it would be, one night a week, if that is what you decide.
At the same time, very gently encourage him to make his own plans. Is there a class he’s always thought about taking? A friend he hasn’t seen in ages? Gently push him towards these things by letting him know that you want him to be able to be happy in his life beyond just being your boyfriend too! Be open to sharing the burden financially and giving him the time and space to explore some things that are ‘just for him’.
This isn’t a perfect solution. Your relationship might still die. But if you think you have a real shot, then you should have the honest and difficult conversations, and at least try to come to new balance in your relationship.
On a bit of a side note:
Your friends are being immature in giving you an ultimatum, but after fourteen months togeather, it is fair for the other people in your life to expect you to have struck some sort of balance between your relationship with them and your boyfriend. If you were happy with your balance, I'd say, tell your friend to shove it. But you aren't. So they have a point, even if the way they expressed it was immature.
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The Question
PLEASE READ! ITS LONG BUT I WILL RATE!
Im 18/f and my ex boyfriend is 19/m i put a restraining order on him last year because he was threatening me and it was just horrible. Then somebody told me something happened to him so i was stupid and made the biggest mistake of my life and decided to IM him on AIM. Things were okay for like 3 months and we were hiding the fact that we were talking. The past several months have been horrible. More threatening and saying if i dont do something he's going to the cops and telling them that I broke the restraining order and how im going to jail etc. I dont want to get into trouble. over the past few months i spent the night at his mothers house and everything was okay again and we still had the restraining order just kept it hush hush. I honestly dont want anything to do with him now and i tell him to stop talking to me but he wont and keeps harassing me and i cant really do anything about it because i dont want to get into trouble and stuff. I cry every single night because its horrible I wish i never IM'd him in the first place. I cant go to the police and whenever i tell him to leave me alone he says he's going to kill me or he's going to go to the cops and tell them that im talking to him and things like that. It doesnt help that he lives right down the road from me and he knows when im home and when im not. He even stood in the middle of the road if i dont talk to him. I need any advice thats possible to make this stop. THANKS!
The Answer
You wont go to jail for contacting him. Your restraining order agianst him just can't really be enforced because you went agianst it.
Block him. Remove him. Stop going onto AIM if you must. Don't allow him to contact you anymore. If he does, no matter what he says, don't respond at all.
You can absolutely go to the cops. Just because you made a mistake doesn't mean you deserve to have your life threatened. They are still going to take you seriously, even if they can't enforce the restraining order the way they want too.
If he stands in the middle of the road agian. Call the cops.
Be COMPLETELY honest with the police about the mistake you made. You might get a bit of a talking too, but you WILL NOT go to jail for talking to someone you have a restraining order.
Don't speak to him anymore. Just call the cops next time. Be honest with the adults around you about your mistake, ask for forgiveness, understanding and help, and you will get HELP at the very least.
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The Question
The economy is horrible. I have put in atleast 20 applacations in the past three weeks at local retail stores in my area. Imagine my suprise when just this past Saturday one actually calls to set up and interview. The interview was suppose to be for 2:00 pm today. I woke up at nine am to begin getting ready and preparing for the interview. I NEED this job! Being a single mom with no income at the moment is killing me. You could not imagine the hardships I have went through for the past month of being unemployed. (I was laid off at my previous job and was unable to draw unemployment.) I arrive at the interview 15 minutes till. I thought it would make me look more serious about wanting the position. I walk up to one of the employees and tell them that I am there for an interview. To this guys suprise he laughs (which I didn't find funny one single bit.) and tells me that the hiring manager must have gotten the days confused because she is off today. It felt like a semi truck hit me in my stomach. I live a good 35-40 minutes away from this store. Whats worse is the guy acted like he didn't even care that I had wasted my time and gas to be there for the interview. He was a complete jerk about the ordeal. He had me follow him to a company phone and tried to reach the lady that was suppose to be giving me the interview. At first he didn't have any luck, but right as I was about to walk out the door the phone rang and it was her. She told him to let me re-pick my interview time, any time except for that day. I picked 1:00 tomorrow, which was the absolute earliest she had. I am just so discouraged. I went out the day before and bought a brand new "interview" outfit, which I wasted on today. I used my gas money and wasted valuable time. I know the interview is tomorrow, but how do I gain my confidence back after such a low blow? The lady didn't even apologize for HER screw up! If the jobs weren't so hard to come by I would just say forget it, and move on. Like I said though, I REALLY need a job. I just was so ready today. Confident and looking 100% my best. I feel like I won't get the job tomorrow because of how bummed I am. I need some advice on how to regain confidence, and what I should do. Thanks.
The Answer
Chill out a bit. You’re psyching yourself out and playing your own worst enemy. Stop it.
You were very ready today.
The reason you were very ready today is because you decided to be really ready today!
Because you were excited and motivated and when you woke up in the morning you CHOOSE to be REALLY ready. You knew you needed to be, and you made it happen.
There is no reason to pretend it’s impossible for you to make that same choice tomorrow. You weren’t ready because of some magic that only happens once, you were ready because you made yourself ready.
It’s all on you tomorrow morning, just like it was this morning, and you know you can do it! You already did it once.
Don’t be self-defeating and stop those panicked self-sabotaging thoughts.
I know how hard that is when the stakes are so high, but you’ve got to be able to do it.
Besides: This is a POSITIVE.
This is a positive because the hiring manager made an error, and you get the opportunity to handle it with grace, roll with the punches and show her how courteous, easy going and accommodating you can be. You get a chance to show up with a confident smile on your face even though things didn’t go to plan. (Plus, she probably feels a tad guilty, and if that little bit of guilt is the difference between her hiring you, or someone else, fine! Go with it!)
Remind yourself before you go to sleep tonight, and first thing when you wake up tomorrow:
You can do it. You’ve done it already.
As discouraging as it might be, you aren’t ruled by every little set-back. You are ruled by your own confidence and motivation. That is what made you ready today, and keeps you ready tomorrow.
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The Question
I am working on a paper for anthropology and i am confused. Is the species "Homo" its own species or is just sort of the umbrella that Homo erectus, homo sapien, and modern humans fall under?
Thanks so much!
The Answer
It’s an umbrella, sort of like a family. In biology, those sorts of umbrellas are call a GENUS.
Homo is the genus, and Homo Sapiens, is a species within that genus.
So all ‘Homo’ belong to the same genus, but each kind is its own distinct species.
Look up genus if you’d like, biology terms can get very confusing, because species branch off one another and each of those branches get names. I think it’s pretty cool all told.
(Just so you aren't confused: Modern humans ARE homo sapiens. Period. Humans aren't another species under the 'homo' umbrella, it's just a non-science word for the species homo sapiens.)
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The Question
I am A 36 year old Gay man who has been in a relationship for over 7 months. We hit it off right away, and everything was going good. I then found A profile on a friend sight that he was single and looking for action, I have even him caught him chatting to other guys in a sexual nature, but he states that the profile was only a joke, and that I should not take it serious, because I am the only one for him. Even though he knows I am not happy about his profile, he still hasn't changed it. On top of that, Our sexual relationship is almost non existant, unless I make the first move. I am also the one who always calls him, he never makes an effort to call me, And he still keeps a picture of his ex in his wallet. Everything he tells me reassures that he cares about me, But his actions tell a different story. He has been in long term relationships in the past, and has been hurt just like anybody else, I know he also has a problem with alcohol. Do you think I am dating someone who Is not ready to settle down and have a commitment, Or someone who is not into me?
The Answer
You are dating someone who isn't that into you, or isn't ready to be that into you. Doesn't really matter which, or why.
Seven months of commitment it's only sane to expect your partner to be either in the relationship, or out of it.
He's not being frank with you about his online activity and you know it. Sounds like you suspect he isn’t perfectly open about his drinking behaviour either.
The question you have to ask yourself is this:
Is this relationship so deeply important to you that these issues things you want to put effort into addressing?
Or
Is this guy just not that into you, and not into the things you want from a relationship?
To Simplify:
Confront, or Cut Ties.
I'd go with number two.
No point in stringing it out, or accusing him and picking fights when you've already figured out you aren't a good match. Just let him know in a friendly but direct way, thanks but no thanks, you just aren’t the guy for me at this point in my life.
This isn’t one small issue. This is a whole bunch of the collection of traits that make him, him. I really don’t think you can ‘talk this out’ ‘cause right now, I suspect you’re settling for this guy. Stop that. Aim for better, with someone else.
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The Question
so i am recovering from anorexia. i had it for over a year and my parents caught it early..15/f...now that i am at a healthy weight, i always stare at myself and i feel like i am fat, not FAT but not thin either. sometimes i plan on not eating anymore again but i will try to keep it not noticable so my parents wont know, but i remember how i felt and i just felt even more depressed so i always back out of it and just eat normally. but i am afraid that i am going to go back to those bad habits. anorexia comes in slowly and once you have it you dont even know it. i was so surprised when i actually looked at the symptons and it all added up. so whenever i get upset i always say negative thoughts about me, i always say i hate myself, i am ugly, i am fat. sometimes i cant stand who i am. its so depressing. my parents dont know how i feel but i dont want to see my mothers worried look and i dont want to see my dads angry face. my dad does not understand what i am going through and he has said many hurtful things to me, my sister and my mom. he has caused some of the reasons why i got anorexia..anyways, i just want help on how can i feel better about myself
The Answer
You're going to be okay.
I know that sounds sort of ridiculous right now, but I honestly, and completely believe that you are going to be okay. Because I've know a lot, and been myself, miserable, depressed teenage girls, full of self loathing.
And you are going to be okay, because you've already figured out at fifteen what some people NEVER get: It’s those damn negative thoughts at the centre of all the badness, and if you let the badness in your mind rule over you, it only gets worse.
As much as it might not feel like it right now, knowing that, and accepting that is the biggest hurdle people face in recovery, and you’ve gotten over it. Congratulations. Seriously, Congratulations. Give yourself a big pat on the back and huge mental hug. You’ve achieved what millions of adults never do. You’ve realized your mind doesn’t always tell you the truth, and you are willing to stand up and work on getting to the truth of things, instead of just wallowing in the easy misery. You rock.
If you have a therapist (and if your mom is worried and your parents are supportive, it might be a great idea to ASK to see somebody, just for a few sessions, to get some personalized, professional advice) ask them for techniques to combat negative thinking, but as a general rule, there are a few really good approaches:
Sweat it out. Get a jump rope, a tread mill, take a quick run. If your mind and body have the extra energy to waste on misbehaving and making you upset: Take that energy away from them and put into something else.
Imagine the best case scenario. Your imagination is a tool you can use for good as well. When your imagination wants to think of bad things, sit down and focus on imagining good things instead. Imagine getting a scholarship or landing a job or internship you love. Go ahead and imagine completely ludicrous fun things, so long as they cheer you up.
Be realistic. Don’t jump to conclusions or over generalize: One bad mark doesn’t mean you are going to fail EVERYTHING you ever try in your life. If you brain starts to tell you that, tell it to shut the hell up. That is crazy and stupid wrong. If you start thinking because you aren’t feeling good, right this second, you never will be, that is also a crazy over generalization. Don’t set impossible goals like ‘Fix this now!’ set small achievable ones like: I’m going to write down three things that I did well today, and one thing I’m going to try and do better tomorrow.
Don’t assume the worst. Not of yourself or of other people. If someone gets upset with you, don’t let yourself think that means they hate you, or that you are awful. Instead realize the other things that are stressing them out, and assume that their anger probably has nothing to do with you. It rarely will.
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The Question
well, heres the story. my boyfriend and i had planed to have sex saturday night, the first time for both of us, but it went all wrong. he couldnt get turned on enough so we had to stop trying. now because of that he hates himself, he says to me that everytime he thinks of it he just wants to cut his throat. i dont know what to do anyore :( he wont let me help him and he refuses to talk to me about it face to face. he also wont tell me whats wrong. its now tuesday and all ive found out is that when i was trying to get him excited with oral sex he just felt nothing. he doesnt tell me what he's thinking either, i dont know what he likes and what he hates cause he wont tell me, he just lays there doing nothing. sometimes i can get him excited but not this time. is this normal for some guys to feel like this? he told me last night that he just needed to sort himself out and refuses to let me help him :( i really want to help him though, i feel like all of this is my fault. do you think he might be feeling like im pushing him into sex too soon? he wont tell me anything so i dont know :( is this normal or not? please give me heaps of advice.
by the way, he's not gay and he's not going out with someone else, i know this because i know him too well.
thanks
im 16f he's 17m
The Answer
It's not your fault.
It's not your fault that your boyfriend encountered a completely natural, normal, and stressful, physical issue. The pressure to perform can often kill performance.
It's unlikely that you are 'pushing' him, but WHEN he is ready to talk about that, it’s a good question to ask.
It's definitely not your fault that this insecure, over-dramatic teenage boy who you are dating completely and totally over-reacted!
However, there is one saving grace: He seems to be sensible enough to realize that:
His response to this situation is stupid, or at least problematic.
You can't solve his response. He needs to fix that on his own.
Give him space and some time to calm down. He can't discuss this rationally with you yet. He deserves some down time.
I know it's tough to deal with not knowing, but no matter how close a relationship is, you absolutely must be okay giving somebody the space to calm down and check themselves. He needs to handle him.
The only thing you can do right now, and I would suggest you leave it a few days before you do, is share how you are feeling with him. Don't tell him how much you want to help and blah, blah, blah. That's not helpful, that's just more pressure for him to let you help him. Instead, share the pressure you are feeling: Share your concerns about feeling like you pushed him. Share your worry that it's YOUR fault. Share your belief and confidence in him and his feelings for you AND in your faith that the two of you can deal with this sensibly and maturely. Let him know that you are worried and stressed too, but that you don't blame him, and that it doesn’t change your feelings for him.
If your boyfriend is smart, he’ll see a doctor.
If you are smart, you’ll help him with this only as much as he asks you too.
If you both are honest about your own feelings and take ownership of them, and don’t spend all your time obsessed with the other person’s feelings, you’ll both be in a better place.
But being able to be honest about what you are feeling takes some time: Some time to figure out what the fuck you are feeling! Give him that time, and trust him with it.
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The Question
Do any women in New Jersey over the age of 18 have the guts to kick me in the balls?
I bet $500 that no women have the guts to kick me in the nuts without feeling bad about it. The same day that happens is the same day I'll put on panties and dance to a Britney Spears, Christina Aguilera, Rihanna, Katy Perry, or Pussycat Dolls song. That's how sure I am! You can pick out the song and panties, I don't care!
I'm pretty sure no women can do this because most are too wimpy and would feel guilty about causing me pain.
The Answer
This is not what this site is for.
If you have a fetish, pay a nice sex trade worker to help you out in a safe and private way.
If you are interested in normal women who will hurt you for money, start spamming Craigslist. With some dedication I'm sure you'll be able to drive somebody to the desire to harm you.
Dumbass.
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The Question
a guy asked me if i wanted to try smoking with him and i said sure because i like him a lot. and so we were walking to his brother's apartement and he started making out with me really randomly,,he was going a little too far and i told him to stop. he got really mad and started yelling and then he walked away. wht am i supposed to do, i dont want to ruin our friendship!!!
The Answer
You didn't ruin your friendship.
He did.
In fact, there probably was NO friendship in his mind, you were just a peice of ass.
Be grateful that this jackass showed you his true colours so early on. Now, you can see him for percisely what he is: A horn-dog with no respect for you, an anger management problem, and no affection for you either.
He ended the friendship when he walked away from you when you wouldn't submit your body to his will.
Be strong, and never speak to him agian. Such people should be completely beneath the notice of an intelligent, confident young woman.
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The Question
Thats right, you read it. I found my dad (who is married-but its a complicated relationship with him and my mom) on a dating site.
he has two children, me (16) and my older sister (21). Hes been married for many years. him (53) and my mom (48) (i dont exactly know how long theyve been married, but its up there).
Lets start out with the relationship between him and my mom-they went to vegas together a long time ago.. maybe 4 years ago or more, my dad left before my mom and my mom left a day after him because she had work, my mom was only going for the weekend so she had to leave sunday night, as she was leaving she asked my mom to leave with her, my dad still had 3 more days there (he went with his sister, his sisters husband, and his brother) my dad said no because he still had two more nights left and a whole day. he never gets to see his sister brother and his sisters husband that much and he was having so much fun, and this is his only time off. (he owns a store about 2 hours away from my house so you can only imagine his hours, and the amount of work he still does at home). my mom begged him to come with her, she still said no. she got extremely pissed off and didnt kiss him bye.
i remember my mom coming home that night all mad, throwing her bags into her room and throwing her dirty clothes into the laundry room. i remember she wouldnt tell my sister and i how her trip was. she was being a huge bitch.
my dad gets home 3 days later, he went to my mom to say hello to her and she screamed at him.
since that day, our family has never been the same. we used to all be together on every holiday, that hasnt happened since. my mom doesnt allow my dad to sit at the table for christmas dinner, my birthday dinners are extemely awkward because they dont talk. its getting to the point where i dont wanna talk to my mom anymore because shes holding a stupid grudge.
their still married, but dont wear their rings. so i guess you can call it complicated? all they do is fight now.
so yesterday, my laptop wasnt turning on for some reason and i had to get someones phone number, i went downstairs to see if my dads laptop was on or didnt have a password, wednesdays are his only days off.. i go to his computer, its on, he had AOL open, i clicked on internet explorer... and a page came up.. "tagged.com" and his name, with an account, he didnt log out of close the window. he was out for a while and he didnt tell me where he was going.
me, being a curious person as i am, went through it. i saw him mesasging girls, calling them cute. i went through his email, i saw him talking to alot of people on there.
alright daddy, i understand that your relationship with mom is fucked up, but when you told my sister and i about you and mom fighting, we were extremely upset. shouldnt you consider how upset we would be if we found out about this dating site your on? one way or another we would find out....
i honestly think im beginning to hate him. i understand my dad pays for ALL the bills in the house, and my mom only pays her american express bill, my sister and i appreciate him for that, he even hands us money when we ask for it. but doing this? wow.
he has dozens of girls as his friends, he writes on the pics calling them cute, etc. i dont wanna even know what else.
me being the bitch i am, i made a fake "tagged" account. i got a hott girls picture off google. i added my dad as a friend. ...he sent me a message "hey sexy, how are you?" he sent me "luv" and a "wink". i got so grossed out that i cancelled the account.
in his about me, he didnt even mention he has two kids. his relatinosihp status says "its complicated", in his dreams he wants "to live life to the fullest because you dont know when your life will be over".
i wanna say something to him, but i dont have that great of a relationship with him. hed be extremely embarrassed. but he has it coming at him.. you know?
what should i do? i cant even look at him without thinking about how much of an asshole he is.. im beginning to hate him.
HELP
The Answer
You need to get over yourself.
I'm sorry to be so harsh, because I don't envy you or the way you are being forced to live by your parents. What both of them are doing to you is hideously wrong, but I don't think that gives you permission to sink as low. Don't learn their patterns of hate and rejection. You can be better than that.
Your father deserves more compassion then you are giving him.
He doesn't deserve your compassion because he pays yours bills, he deserves it because he is a human being, who has been treated like a disease in his own home for four years. Human beings deserve better.
It's no surprise that a man so beaten down doesn't know how to reach out to his daughters and develop a relationship with them. He is so abused and rejected by his partner. I can only imagine how hurt and deeply unworthy he feels. That's not a marriage, that's just co-habitation. For whatever reason, you still live together as a family, but what you've described is not a marriage.
Yes, it is not kind of your father and mother to be dishonest with you about the status of their relationship. They might think they are togeather for your 'sake' and that is stupid, of both of them.
And yes, It's never nice to think of a parent as out there trolling for some affection, or more, especially not when one is still technically married, but be honest with yourself, are you surprised? Are you really shocked that your father would feel empty inside, would feel a void in his life, if he is stuck in the kind of environment you've described here?
For all you know, your mother is aware of this behavior.
For all you know, your mother is also engaged in this behavior.
Unless you know, exactly what arrangement your parents have come too, it's wrong to assume your father is the only asshole in all this.
Frankly, your mother sounds waaaay more fucked up. Your father just sound desperate. It sounds to me, that as fucked up as he is, he is trying to deal with it nobly, for you and your sisters sake, and maybe for your mother's too. Give him some credit and allow him his dignity. Keep mum about what you found online.
Perhaps the question you really need to ask your dad, is not why he is trolling online, but is why he is still living at home, in a loveless marriage?
Surely he wouldn't wish such a marriage on you or your sister! Perhaps it's time you let him know you don't want it for him either. A bit of love and acceptance from his family could very well be the void he is trying to fill online. The man you've described here has earned your deepest pity. You can disagree and dislike his choices, without hating him. And you should. You can feel betrayed, but you should also be able to look around and recognize it's not all about you, and that he does seem to be trying to do the best by you.
You want to have a serious talk with your father, then ask him why he's accepted this arrangement with your mom for years and let him know, regardless of anything else, you'd like better for him than this. You all deserve better then this sham of a marriage, even him. Especially him.
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The Question
Now that I am or anything, I swear I'm not that young, but I'm just curious :)
The Answer
Depends on what you mean by love really...
If I’m totally honest about what I believe, I look at what the human brain is capable of, and from that perspective, then no, probably not.
A person isn’t capable of the kinds of thinking that leads to a healthy and happy love much before your late teens. The brain just hasn’t acquired the skills yet: the advanced ability to empathize and the recognition of shared humanity, and a strong enough understanding of oneself. The adolescent brain is actually wired AGIANST such things. On a physical level the adolescent brain is wired to be self-centered, slightly selfish, contrary and explorative. Those things run contrary to the best expressions of love. You are sixteen or seventeen are the very earliest when you start to transition out of that.
But they aren’t bad things! Being selfish is part of learning who you are and what you can accept, being contrary and explorative and part of learning who others are, and how to be good to them. The brain chemistry is still shifting and evolving. There is still a lot more information to be processed before you start to really make any sense of how to be good to another person, let alone how to love them.
In my opinion, these limits on the adolescent brain makes what I would deem ‘love’ completely impossible until rather late into your teens, and unlikely until the early twenties. Obsession, sure. Infatuation, sure. Sincere Affection, absolutely. Love, probably not.
Love, for very young teens is mostly mimicry. They take the word, and the pictures and stories they are presented in the world around them and go "Yep! I know I'm in love" the same way a toddler might say “I’m 2 years old!” The toddler actually has no damn clue what it really means to be two, but everyone says it, and tells them is means such-and-such, so it must be true. They just apply the label to something ‘cause everyone else does. They have no clue what it means. They might be three years old in fact... but if no one says that, it doesn’t matter.
Having said that, there is no reason people can't say they are in love. There is no single, definite definition of the word. Men who beat thier wives into a bloody pulp each night might claim to be in love... I'd think they were wrong too, but it doesn't matter soo much what I think. It's certainly very possible for people who met in their early teens to evolve and grow together into a mature and sophisticated love. It’s also completely possible for someone in their thirties to NEVER be capable of what the kind of cognisant, committed affection and adoration that I’m calling love.
So really, it depends entirely on your definition, but I'd encourage you to keep an open mind and realize, at least on some level, that the ways you express and experience love as an adult, will be very, very different then what you are capable of experiencing at 13.
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The Question
Okay, I used to be christian as a little kid, I was ALWAYS at church, just having a blast ya know? But now I'm fifteen, and I'm an atheist. I mean, I dont know whwat to believe. I want to believe in Christ as such, but I just don't know how. I feel as if I need PROOF. And that's what it's gonna take to get me into believing again. My Boyfriend is trying to devote his life to Christ, and he's struggling wit me, because I'm not. And not only because of him, but I want to as well start believing again. I just need help.
):
The Answer
What kind of proof would you like?
Lots of people will offer different kinds of proofs that a God exists. There are several common arguments: Like the world is just too complex to have just happened or that God must exist because God is perfect and being non-existent would be imperfect... The teleological argument or ontological arguments for the existence of a single, creating, God or the first cause argument are all basic places to begin. Many people accept these philosophical arguments as being reasoned proof of Gods existence. Maybe one of these will help you.
Of course, other people will just say it’s personal. They have faith and that’s all the proof they need.
Faith is something different. One of the common definitions of faith, is the belief in something for which there is no proof. If someone has faith, and says it doesn’t matter what the arguments are, or what anyone else says, they simply believe it because they believe it, no amount of arguing is likely to every dissuade them. Proof becomes irrelevant.
If you don’t have that faith, what you are left with is your own conscience and thankfully, the strength of character to be true to that conscience. Arguments are prone to counter arguments. Proof, in science, requires that that proof be tested. If it can’t be tested, it’s not proof. If it fails tests, it’s imperfect proof, or not proof at all.
If you need proof, I can’t help you and I think anyone who claims they can is a liar. I can show you arguments and theories, but arguments and theories are ever-evolving, as our knowledge grows and changes. It’s not so simple as to point you the equation that solves the problem.
If faith in the supernatural is what you want, then the only solution I can offer is to pray to the embodiment of the supernatural you want faith in, because everything we have learned to call proof and scientific evidence exists only in the natural world, is pertains only to natural things. Beyond the natural world, there is only speculation and faith.
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The Question
I was wondering today about how many women get abortions each year? I mean, I heard about girls going for abortions ALL the time. I keep thinking about how many lives could have been born if they wouldn't have done those things. Anyway, enough of that pro-life or pro-choice type thing--I just want to know about how many women, on average, get abortions each year?
The Answer
This study was published last year, and deals with stats from basically 1970s to 2003... It gives a good snapshot. You can see the whole study here:
http://www.guttmacher.org/presentations/ab_slides.html
or just read the answer to your exact question below.
Of the approximately 6.4 million pregnancies in the United States in 2001, 3.1 million were unintended. Of these, approximately 1.4 million resulted in births, 1.3 million in abortions and 430,000 in miscarriages.
The abortion rate is the number of abortions per 1,000 women of reproductive age in a given year. In 2002, 21 out of every 1,000 American women aged 15–44 had an abortion.
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