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I found my dad on a dating site.
Thats right, you read it. I found my dad (who is married-but its a complicated relationship with him and my mom) on a dating site.
he has two children, me (16) and my older sister (21). Hes been married for many years. him (53) and my mom (48) (i dont exactly know how long theyve been married, but its up there).
Lets start out with the relationship between him and my mom-they went to vegas together a long time ago.. maybe 4 years ago or more, my dad left before my mom and my mom left a day after him because she had work, my mom was only going for the weekend so she had to leave sunday night, as she was leaving she asked my mom to leave with her, my dad still had 3 more days there (he went with his sister, his sisters husband, and his brother) my dad said no because he still had two more nights left and a whole day. he never gets to see his sister brother and his sisters husband that much and he was having so much fun, and this is his only time off. (he owns a store about 2 hours away from my house so you can only imagine his hours, and the amount of work he still does at home). my mom begged him to come with her, she still said no. she got extremely pissed off and didnt kiss him bye.
i remember my mom coming home that night all mad, throwing her bags into her room and throwing her dirty clothes into the laundry room. i remember she wouldnt tell my sister and i how her trip was. she was being a huge bitch.
my dad gets home 3 days later, he went to my mom to say hello to her and she screamed at him.
since that day, our family has never been the same. we used to all be together on every holiday, that hasnt happened since. my mom doesnt allow my dad to sit at the table for christmas dinner, my birthday dinners are extemely awkward because they dont talk. its getting to the point where i dont wanna talk to my mom anymore because shes holding a stupid grudge.
their still married, but dont wear their rings. so i guess you can call it complicated? all they do is fight now.
so yesterday, my laptop wasnt turning on for some reason and i had to get someones phone number, i went downstairs to see if my dads laptop was on or didnt have a password, wednesdays are his only days off.. i go to his computer, its on, he had AOL open, i clicked on internet explorer... and a page came up.. "tagged.com" and his name, with an account, he didnt log out of close the window. he was out for a while and he didnt tell me where he was going.
me, being a curious person as i am, went through it. i saw him mesasging girls, calling them cute. i went through his email, i saw him talking to alot of people on there.
alright daddy, i understand that your relationship with mom is fucked up, but when you told my sister and i about you and mom fighting, we were extremely upset. shouldnt you consider how upset we would be if we found out about this dating site your on? one way or another we would find out....
i honestly think im beginning to hate him. i understand my dad pays for ALL the bills in the house, and my mom only pays her american express bill, my sister and i appreciate him for that, he even hands us money when we ask for it. but doing this? wow.
he has dozens of girls as his friends, he writes on the pics calling them cute, etc. i dont wanna even know what else.
me being the bitch i am, i made a fake "tagged" account. i got a hott girls picture off google. i added my dad as a friend. ...he sent me a message "hey sexy, how are you?" he sent me "luv" and a "wink". i got so grossed out that i cancelled the account.
in his about me, he didnt even mention he has two kids. his relatinosihp status says "its complicated", in his dreams he wants "to live life to the fullest because you dont know when your life will be over".
i wanna say something to him, but i dont have that great of a relationship with him. hed be extremely embarrassed. but he has it coming at him.. you know?
what should i do? i cant even look at him without thinking about how much of an asshole he is.. im beginning to hate him.
HELP<333
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Want to answer more questions in the Relationships category?
Maybe give some free advice about: Families?
Your mother and your father's relationship is theirs to work out, not your problem. I know you want them to have a happy life together, but it might not be meant to be. Really, this isn't a place for meddling. You could tell your mother about the site but that's all the interference I see appropiate.
Your father's behavior may seem odd, but think about it. He's a man, and he isn't happy with his marriage. As a woman you probably like having fun and interactiong with men and flirting. How do you think your dad had you? He's human after all. Don't lose respect for him because he's trying to find some happiness.
You can help or you can just be another roadblock. Being angry and causing more arguments is not helping. Suggest couples therapy to your parents. If you told them how much it would mean to you and your sister sincerely, I think they might consider it.
If you aren't comfortable with your dad talking about the dating site, you could write him a letter about how his relationship with your mom is hurting you and you just want things to be better. Communication is key. You can't not talk and then have sudden arguments and go back to not talking. Too many things are left unsaid. It builds up.
Your father isn't an asshole, and it's disrespectful to call him that. Like you said, he takes care of you, and he also loves you. You live under his roof, so you really can't criticise his life.
I know you want things resolved and that is noble, so try to be mature and help instead of harm. And if the marriage can't be saved, let it go. They can work on a friendship or partnership as single parents. Do you want to waste the years with your family in this way? Cherish the time you have and find a way to make the most of it.
Good luck,
-Abby
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You need to get over yourself.
I'm sorry to be so harsh, because I don't envy you or the way you are being forced to live by your parents. What both of them are doing to you is hideously wrong, but I don't think that gives you permission to sink as low. Don't learn their patterns of hate and rejection. You can be better than that.
Your father deserves more compassion then you are giving him.
He doesn't deserve your compassion because he pays yours bills, he deserves it because he is a human being, who has been treated like a disease in his own home for four years. Human beings deserve better.
It's no surprise that a man so beaten down doesn't know how to reach out to his daughters and develop a relationship with them. He is so abused and rejected by his partner. I can only imagine how hurt and deeply unworthy he feels. That's not a marriage, that's just co-habitation. For whatever reason, you still live together as a family, but what you've described is not a marriage.
Yes, it is not kind of your father and mother to be dishonest with you about the status of their relationship. They might think they are togeather for your 'sake' and that is stupid, of both of them.
And yes, It's never nice to think of a parent as out there trolling for some affection, or more, especially not when one is still technically married, but be honest with yourself, are you surprised? Are you really shocked that your father would feel empty inside, would feel a void in his life, if he is stuck in the kind of environment you've described here?
For all you know, your mother is aware of this behavior.
For all you know, your mother is also engaged in this behavior.
Unless you know, exactly what arrangement your parents have come too, it's wrong to assume your father is the only asshole in all this.
Frankly, your mother sounds waaaay more fucked up. Your father just sound desperate. It sounds to me, that as fucked up as he is, he is trying to deal with it nobly, for you and your sisters sake, and maybe for your mother's too. Give him some credit and allow him his dignity. Keep mum about what you found online.
Perhaps the question you really need to ask your dad, is not why he is trolling online, but is why he is still living at home, in a loveless marriage?
Surely he wouldn't wish such a marriage on you or your sister! Perhaps it's time you let him know you don't want it for him either. A bit of love and acceptance from his family could very well be the void he is trying to fill online. The man you've described here has earned your deepest pity. You can disagree and dislike his choices, without hating him. And you should. You can feel betrayed, but you should also be able to look around and recognize it's not all about you, and that he does seem to be trying to do the best by you.
You want to have a serious talk with your father, then ask him why he's accepted this arrangement with your mom for years and let him know, regardless of anything else, you'd like better for him than this. You all deserve better then this sham of a marriage, even him. Especially him.
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