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i dont know what to do :(
well, heres the story. my boyfriend and i had planed to have sex saturday night, the first time for both of us, but it went all wrong. he couldnt get turned on enough so we had to stop trying. now because of that he hates himself, he says to me that everytime he thinks of it he just wants to cut his throat. i dont know what to do anyore :( he wont let me help him and he refuses to talk to me about it face to face. he also wont tell me whats wrong. its now tuesday and all ive found out is that when i was trying to get him excited with oral sex he just felt nothing. he doesnt tell me what he's thinking either, i dont know what he likes and what he hates cause he wont tell me, he just lays there doing nothing. sometimes i can get him excited but not this time. is this normal for some guys to feel like this? he told me last night that he just needed to sort himself out and refuses to let me help him :( i really want to help him though, i feel like all of this is my fault. do you think he might be feeling like im pushing him into sex too soon? he wont tell me anything so i dont know :( is this normal or not? please give me heaps of advice.
by the way, he's not gay and he's not going out with someone else, i know this because i know him too well.
thanks
im 16f he's 17m
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um....Lets see here. Sex is not the thing you plan. It kinda just happens when you both feel it. But you guys are young. So I wouldn't incourage it now. But he'll be ready when he's comfortable.
Lillian
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Hey hun! Sorry to hear your plans didn't go so well! But don't worry, these things happen to a lot of girls just like yourself! I am here to help :)
Like the other answer already mentioned, there is a lot of performance anxiety involved. I know even I don't completely understand how that works, but you should take it as a compliment. This wonderful boy of yours obviously really wanted to please you and make you happy- so much in fact, he stressed himself out about it.
If I were you, I wouldn't worry about his sexual health just yet. Maybe in a few months or something after everything seems to have failed I would ask him to see his doctor about it, but really I do think it comes down to the nervousness and preparation around the event.
You do need to talk to him about this to discuss your feelings, BUT I would say that he is clearly feeling a lot too and you should try to comfort him before you vent. These sorts of things are really embarrasing for guys, no matter how much we tell them that its okay, they have a hard time coping with the fact that they couldnt do it. So, instead of asking him about how he is feeling, build up his ego. Let him no that you love him and that you care about him.
WARNING: Do NOT do this all at once, take a few days to convey to him how much you care and how much you like him BEFORE you talk to him about it.
Next, here is the conversation. Tell him you want to try again. You don't need to remind him of all the things that went wrong. If he asks you, tell him that you would never think that he is less of a person or anything just because he was having trouble that one time. Talk about it. See what he thinks the problem was. I would suggest that the problem was your own nerves. You two were both excited and nervous and happy and probably overwhelmed. These are big steps, you will both need time to deal.
Okay, so lets say the big night comes again! What do you do? Okay, some guys honestly dont get turned on by oral. Every guy has his own vice. There is no way to find that out, save you experiment a little. Be yourself, but also, remember you are trying to get him in he mood, so just be sassy, cute, sexy and adorable. That should help things along.
Good luck girl! Don't get discouraged. Everyone's got to try it someday!
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It's not your fault.
It's not your fault that your boyfriend encountered a completely natural, normal, and stressful, physical issue. The pressure to perform can often kill performance.
It's unlikely that you are 'pushing' him, but WHEN he is ready to talk about that, it’s a good question to ask.
It's definitely not your fault that this insecure, over-dramatic teenage boy who you are dating completely and totally over-reacted!
However, there is one saving grace: He seems to be sensible enough to realize that:
His response to this situation is stupid, or at least problematic.
You can't solve his response. He needs to fix that on his own.
Give him space and some time to calm down. He can't discuss this rationally with you yet. He deserves some down time.
I know it's tough to deal with not knowing, but no matter how close a relationship is, you absolutely must be okay giving somebody the space to calm down and check themselves. He needs to handle him.
The only thing you can do right now, and I would suggest you leave it a few days before you do, is share how you are feeling with him. Don't tell him how much you want to help and blah, blah, blah. That's not helpful, that's just more pressure for him to let you help him. Instead, share the pressure you are feeling: Share your concerns about feeling like you pushed him. Share your worry that it's YOUR fault. Share your belief and confidence in him and his feelings for you AND in your faith that the two of you can deal with this sensibly and maturely. Let him know that you are worried and stressed too, but that you don't blame him, and that it doesn’t change your feelings for him.
If your boyfriend is smart, he’ll see a doctor.
If you are smart, you’ll help him with this only as much as he asks you too.
If you both are honest about your own feelings and take ownership of them, and don’t spend all your time obsessed with the other person’s feelings, you’ll both be in a better place.
But being able to be honest about what you are feeling takes some time: Some time to figure out what the fuck you are feeling! Give him that time, and trust him with it.
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