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Parents Divorce- don't know what to do.
My parents just got separated after over thirty years of marriage. I knew well in advance that it would eventually happen, and today I found out that my dad moved out. I know that it is for the best- they could not possibly go on with a lifeless marriage.
My dad is doing fine, and has a plan set in mind as to where he will live, what he has to do to eventually finalize a divorce, etc., My mom, on the other hand, is not taking any of this well. She was shocked, and insisted she wanted to work on herself and make things better- we all know, by the way, that things are broken beyond repair, and have been for as long as we can remember. So my concern has to do exclusively with my mom.
To add, I go to grad school out of state, and my siblings live in a different city as well. We are not physically there, so she has been calling and pleading with us a few times in one day alone. I keep insisting that it will be for the better, and that they cannot continue living miserably. But my mom (who is extremely volatile emotionally) keeps calling, basically yelling over the phone, saying how she wanted to make things better, but he left her, that she can't see why we won't convince him to move back, and that he should just live in a different room (in the same house). I keep on telling her very logical things like, the marriage was miserable for years and years, that you cannot live in separate rooms (either live peacefully together, or live separately). So long story short, she will not really listen to any of us, and wants to somehow prove that she would have made things better, and that now the family is broken, etc.,
I am very stressed out, and busy with grad school, and this is all adds to my stress-emotionally. I don't know what to do--I mean, I know in my mind that I cannot possibly make my mom see things our way, but I can't stop thinking about what she is thinking and going through. I am also stressed out about the fact that this is really it- it's done. I mean, I knew it would happen, and now it's really hit me that it has happened.
So I guess what I'm meaning to ask is, how do you deal with your parents divorcing? And how can I constructively deal with my mom, when she is being so difficult?
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This is a tough one... Your Mum is in denial we all want to be sucessfull at something divorce for some is the greatest of failures. She needs to come to terms with the new direction in her life Now she is alone she needs to validate her existance join a club meet new people travel anything but ponder and perish. Offer her things to direct her in a positive & productive direction failing that she's no better suggest she see her doctor about depression anxiety issues I am sure she is quite lost right now. she will recover with guidance. Don't discuss the failed marriage change the subject discuss her future plans. get her on task to go forward. you might want to point out that her misery is affecting your grades She needs to be more conciderate of your achievement efforts Good luck with your Mum & your studies
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Just listen to your Mom, as much as you can.
Decide how much time you can devote to a phone call, or to phone calls, from your mother in a given day or week. If you aren't reachable by phone on say, Tuesdays, tell her that in advance and when you'll be able to call her back (and DO call her back when you say you will.)
Then stop trying to solve her problem. You know you can't fix her, you just need to fix YOUR need to fix her.
The following phrases aren't guaranteed to quell her anger, but they might do the trick. Even if they don't calm her down, they give her less to get upset about.
Memorize them, practice them, have them on a sticky note when you talk to your mom:
"I don't think that's true Mom, but I understand that you really do."
“You know I disagree Mom, but I know this is really hard for your regardless.”
"Yes, it is really painfully for the whole family when a marriage breaks up."
It doesn't do you any good to try and convince her that there is nothing she could have done. If she wants to believe there is, what does it benefit you to argue with her? There is a difference between disagreeing and arguing. By all means, stand by the point you disagree with her perspective HOWEVER acknowledge her feelings and views as well and do NOT argue with her. It's pointless and stressful for you both.
As for yourself, it's a bit early on to give you any guidance. You knew it was coming and now it's just a matter of baby steps and putting one foot in front of the other. Just don't take more on yourself then you can bear.
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