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Life is an adventure but Life doesn't come with user manuals for everything. School subjects do little to prepare us. Its no wonder we all need helpful advice sometimes. Blessings to you!

advice

why are people afraid to get tested for AIDS or HIV?

Well, that fits in with many others things we are wondering like:
Why are people resisting getting immunization shots, the pandemic shot, making Dr. appt when they have symptoms that vary from the norm, dizziness that persists, stomach pains, excruciating headaches, and the list goes on. Now the word 'fear' or 'afraid' come to play and if asked, most do not have any valid fears. They would rather die of something and have a mind at peace because they didn't know what was coming and how long they had to live. If someone like myself had a very bad reaction to a flu shot or other vaccination, I can understand that fear. It comes from an experience where the reaction should not have happened. And its now like a form of PTSD only regarding testing for an illness which if its positive, you then have the fear of what the treatment will do to you. I got a flu shot free at my workplace once and had the flu from September til end of February with only an average of 3 to 5 days in between at times of no flu symptoms. That makes me leary of vaccinations, yet I got the shot for Covid because I want to remain healthy and am older, and susceptible to chest infections somewhat. Each person will have specific differing reasons like I have for resisting testing or seeking out a Doctor. Me, well I no longer get flu shots but I use a Naturopathic remedy I take at the first sign of nauseousness and that stops the flu right there. If I already have the full flu, it shortens the duration. As you can see, some will have actual reasons why they fear something regarding their health, and others simply fear knowing what's wrong, and would prefer to remain blissfully unaware. That is the best answer I can give why someone might not want testing for Aids, HIV or anything else.

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I want to go to a party but I have no one to go with. I could ask my roommate but she’s studying and Idk how to ask her. My friend said I could hit her up anytime to go with her to a party but she already left and I don’t want to invite myself. But I could. What do I do?

Is this a party where only couples are welcome? If not, then I don't see the issue here. If you are the hostess of the party, the one creating the party, then of course you will be there and no inviting yourself need be done. If someone else is throwing the party, and they have invited you but you don't have a friend to take along, then go by yourself. If a host/hostess has not invited you, bringing someone with you who was also not invited, if not going to help. Do to limitations of seating, how many people the party area can hold, there may be good reasons not all were invited. So wanting to know how to invite yourself is definitely a new one on me. I would check with the host/hostess, and mention you know of the party and would like to attend. This puts them on the spot and they may have valid reasons, that concern you or do not concern you. I would add that no explanation is needed and you will be ok no matter what they say. YOu may not feel this way, but you have to consider the other person. If you were the party thrower and you got lots of people who weren't invited, but asking to come, you might be strange about telling them all No. Inviting yourself and just showing up without permission is called 'party crashing' just like any event you are not invited to, such as wedding crashing. This is not looked at as a proper thing to do, it is looked down upon and frowned at. Try enjoying a party you crashed where a handful of people are sending waves of animosity towards you. You wouldn't even enjoy being someplace you crashed if those attended are acting mean or hateful towards you.

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I'm 17 years of age,am from nigeria,i do have this(sexual urge)in the mist of guys
What can i do to stop it?

You do not say if you are female or male but either way, you can't do anything to change it, its part of the way the human body was built to be. Finding yourself feeling sexual urges is normal human behavior. Your only response need be to learn to use self control. If you are female, this means you do not have sex with every guy that makes you feel this way. This is visual stimulation, occuring when your eyes land on certain males, and sometimes what you see begins the response in you but the perfect relationship is more than just based on sight. A whole persons make up is important, their personality, how they treat others, and much more. It tskes choosing one and dating not to show off and show others you have someone but dating at first to find out more about a person, including parts of them that they hide from those they meet.

Now if you are male, everything I've written for females to this point applies as well. The only difference is in how your mind processes this information. Yes, males being attracted to males is not the common normality that you see in society where most couples are of both sexes or heterossexual. However this does not mean that males liking males only is abnormal. It is simply not as common and what most people do not see as being a behavior of the masses of people, usually scsres them and they want to avoid it, thinking it is wrong. But farmers of livestock, know by witnessing it with their own eyes that this occurs in animals too, no matter which one they are raising. Lets say a farmer sees a male sheep go after another male sheep. He wants to increase his flock but two males can't produce young, so this is how he decides which to keep for breeding purposes and which could be sold to market if he needed the money. I grew up in a church that was very vocal about homosexuality and told us how wrong it was. Most heard is how it was a bad choice such people were making and that they should know better that it was wrong. If that is so, then why do a small group of animals do this also? Animals do not have the same knowledge that humans do and yet some seek out only the same sex as themselves. So if you are male and feeling sexual urges among males, do not feel guilty for it. Your creator loves you as much as everyone else and does not change homosexuals into heterosexuals because this mutation is not anything bad that needs getting rid of. Use self control. Be picky and decide what you are looking for in a partner. You may have to wait a while until your peers grow older to be more mature and ready for a romantic relationship, but when the time is right, you will meet someone, the same sex as you and both of you fall in love with each other and all you need to do then, is enjoy your life together. The only difference is that since you can't create a baby together, if children are wanted, you adopt.

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I'm 28 years old and I have an associate degree in graphic design.
In future I want to work online in company to create websites, but my past is on my way.
The problem is that during my studies in college I have been in terrible condition, my brother had serious illness and I was afraid I would loose him. I was in grief every day, I cried and had panic attacks. Also I had night mares for many months every night and I just couldn't sleep at all. I would wake up at 2 am in the middle of the night crying becouse I was scared from night mares. I wasn't able to memorize anything or to understand anything I was studying at that point. My teachers wore quite understanding and extended time on my homework so I could complete it and get a grade. I have done projects and did my best on every class, so some classes I passed with C and others with B. I also completed my portfolio and made a presentaion on portfolio show in my college. The problem is that I remember only 30% from everything I have studied in whole graphic design program. My grief wiped off almost all information from those two years. After everything that has happened to me, I have developed anxiety disorder and spend in grief five years. I worked as graphic designer and print shop assistant for about 1.5 years in total after I got my degree.
This year in fall I have finally exit from a stage of grief and I feel like motivation to create and work came back to me. I don't have problems with being in grief anymore and I feel like I'm ready to study again. My problem is that I want to retake web design classes over again, but I don't know if colleges will give me this opportunity since I have already passed all my web design classes before. I want to take online classes and study from home because it will be easier for me to study that way.I have old parents and I should be home after work, I can't leave them alone. I don't know what to do, I'm confused. Can you please give me an advise what to do next?I'm so lost.

I might have an idea. I have a daughter who lost her job at beginning of pandemic, a store closure not related to pandemic but sped up by it. So she went to school online to be a UX designer. She is in the interview process stage now, most being done online. She was asked if she would be willing to relocate to California or she can also do the work online from home. With having to watch over your parents, a job from home might to the trick for you. From daughters research, that field is growing well and in need of designers. Since it has to do with User Experience and it means going to a companies website for the average person out there, being able to use and navigate a website with ease is an important thing. My insurance company has a confusing website that is so user unfriendly that I now always call to talk to someone. So I know from experience there are plenty of places that need help on their websites. I would think with the webdesign and graphic arts, that you could easily take the course for ux design over the computer. What the daughter heard about the wages sounds pretty decent too and could be more than doing just graphic arts. I hope this helps. If I misunderstood you, I am sorry but wish you the best.

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Hi everyone. I'm 24/f and my bf is 28. So a very hurtful thing happened to me. I was with my boyfriend for 3 years and then I found out that he cheated on me with his ex-girlfriend and got her pregnant. And the worst part is that he lied about it for so long. I didn't find out until the child was already 1 year old! So I broke up with him, it was very devastating because I loved him and thought we were going to get married. He was my first serious bf. He said it was just a mistake and that he was really drunk that night, and that he still loves me. Anyway, I didn't talk to him for about two years even though he kept trying to reach out to me. After a while I decided to talk to him again, and he really seemed like he changed. He was very loving and sweet, and he said he wanted us to get back together. I still loved him and I don't think I ever really got over him. So I said ok, we can take things slow. So we started dating again, and I started to feel happy again. He told me that he wasn't involved with anyone else and that we were exclusive. We've been dating for over a year and he even asked me to move in with him. Everything was going well, until one day he just started acting really distant again. So I kept asking what was wrong and he blurted out that he had gotten another girl pregnant and that she had the baby this past April! I was like what the hell? He told me that he was afraid to tell me because he knew I would break up with him. I don't know how he could have done something like this again and not say a word even though we've been dating for over a year. And I have no idea who this girl is. Now he has two kids with two different women, and I have none. I wasn't really able to express myself the last time we talked because I was in such shock. We haven't spoken in over a month, and while I've been here crying and feeling sad, he hasn't even reached out to me. He hasn't called me since then. I don't know what to do. I feel heartbroken. Should I curse him out and tell him how I feel or just let it go? I'm trying not to think about him but I feel really hurt inside and it seems like he doesn't even care. How could he do this to me twice when he says he loves me? Any advice?

Hon I was very Naive when I first married, at age twenty. I knew nothing about relationships, how to choose a partner wisely. What I share with you is just what I have learned in life, as some call it, the school of hard knocks. So yes, I got banged up a lot (my feelings and emotions) until I did something I hadn't done in the beginning, I decided to look hard to see if there was something I could learn from each experience, especially all those bad ones. Now my ex did not cheat, but he mistreated me, verbal abuse and towards the end, started pushing and shoving me. He still to this day believes there is nothing wrong with him, though I have seen him with different women at family functions like grandkids birthdays. All left him after a short time. Remember, I really knew nothing in our early days, and couldn't understand why I was treated by him as I was. I suppose you do understand what a true friend is? Many don't even know that and call those treating them worse than enemies, as their friends. This is important for you to understand to help you through this process. You need to learn from this experience so it isn't repeated later in your life. I can't help you with the hurt and heart ache, which needs time to heal, and grieving the loss of someone you thought to be better than they were and thus hurt you.
I want to establish right off the start that people can only change themselves for the better, not other people because change comes from a desire to want to change or become better. Its easy if its not a person but a thing like playing piano. You play a little by ear but really don't know how to otherwise and you decide you want to take lessons so you can enjoy grandma's piano you inherited, not just seeing it as a household addition but by enjoying really playing it. That is one life fact you can't change. Which means, you can not change the man you love into someone you can trust. He has to want to change that way himself. He may not be capable of being in a committed relationship. Some people are wired wanting some one different and new all the time. All they have to do is be honest up front and say, hey, I am looking for a friend with benefits, a gal who won't want the committed relationship, just someone to hang with sometimes and be a lover. And believe me, there are women who married early, had a few kids, no longer want a marriage, just someone for sex every once in a while. I made it clear after my divorce, in the 1st meetup at a coffee house (public place for safety) that I was looking for a man who wanted a committed relationship, a one woman man for the rest of my life and if any of the things I said I wanted in a mate were not present in a guy, I would not choose him and if he heard anything in this first meet up where I would share any truth about me, I was an open book, he could decide I was not what he was looking for, say so and leave this meeting without ever having to see me again. This weird and seemingly awkward thing I did was never awkward, the men I met did not think this was strange or what, but seemed more comfortable and okay with being real with me as well. I had to know the basic make up of the guy before I could date him. Then during a few consecutive dates, if a guy was pretending to be someone he thought I wanted, but wasn't authentic and truthful, then within a couple dates, due to my experience from my prior bad husband and marriage, I spotted the inconsistencies or bad personality traits pretty quickly. Once a guy thought he had me hooked, his subconscious made him relax and revert back to his real self. I did not know this when I was 20 and getting married or I would not have agreed to marry him or at least wait and date longer to see if I saw something. Women are susceptable to falling in love a bit too easily sometimes and men seem to sense this. This can actually work to our advantage. If you go into this as if you are interviewing males for the position of boyfriend, as if you were your own HR department, you are less likely to fall too quickly. Your hopes might go up, mine did in phone calls, enjoying the conversations and hoping he turned out to be a great guy. But I did not allow myself to relax and fall in love from the beginning of meeting someone, even a guy who looked like a male model just stepping out of a magazine. Scrumptious looking doesn't necessarily mean a good person on the inside. And besides the romantic chemistry we all seek, a couple relationship needs more, it needs the best friend aspect. I know females can say they have a best friend sometimes but lets say its your male best friend then, either way, he treats you well, cares about your welfare, anything great you could say about a female best friend, like someone always looking out for your best interests but there is the romance and sex as well. I don't know you both so I don't know if that kind of friendship was there, but if he was the kind of friend who didn't care if you got hurt by anything he said or did, then that was not a true love. He may have loved some aspects about you, but not loved fully. There is love and inlove or unconditional love. With just love, I can say I love chocolate icecream, but why...not for a relationship...its for the flavor and then maybe a favorite brand cus its creamier and more intense flavor. That is not the kind of love needed to make a relationship work. I just finished using a certain example of a clay jar to tell someone else what I am telling you now. To understand why he would be with you but meet at least two other women you know of and have at least a sexual relationship with both, you have to understand what I am about to share about ways a good many humans will act. Oh and by the way, not all women get pregnant on the first time with a guy so he had to have been having sex on a fairly regular basis, and for sure, more than once with each woman.
Now my illustration uses a clay water jar, think of a wine decanter, only this is clay, you can't see inside. It's supposed to hold clean pure water but there is a crack with a little leak and what you see leaking looks, smells foul and is blackish, sludge like. You would wonder if that is an accident and something the jar brushed up into contact with, and got smeared on the jar or if what was inside was truly water. Most people think it was an accident, not thinking that what they are seeing is just the first bit, when actually they are seeing of more of the same that lays waiting, hidden inside. There are no such accidents with humans and relationships. There is always thought and intent and usually the intent is always focused on what will please you, help you, do for you...always based on you, not a thought of how what you do might affect anyone else in your life? This is how he is acting. He indulges in what tickles his fancies. And that would be okay if you felt the same way, an open relationship where either of you can love each other a little and see others for the excitement or things you don't get from each other. I have known people who don't cheat with sex, but have almost no friendship with their partner, sex yes, but once the urges are taken care of, no has no interest in listening or speaking with their partner. When starved for friend attention, I have learned these people will spend more and more time with another who will give them the friendship they crave from the opposite sex but not the sex, they are not feeling the urge to try with the stranger because they have good sex at home. Its not as common but I have seen it twice in people I know of. There is no way at first to know if anyone or in your case, if a guy is telling the truth. People may have nothing to hide even and still pretend to be someone they think you will like better. But as goes with pretense, the amount of energy and keeping on your toes about lies, or keeping info from someone can get so twisted, like did I say this yet, or didn't I, that the human mind can't keep up with this long term and eventually all at once or in certain increments, will begin to revert back to their real self. The clues are there. I was just too naive and inexperienced at 20 when I married to know any better. Since there are no classes one can take at college to learn how to communicate with people especially a couple relationship, most of us don't know how to do so properly. And things about the human psyche may be covered in Psychology but not everyone takes that, I certainly didn't. I learned from going through the hardships, same as you. YOu have a very hard thing to deal with here, but I did say I learned something, although it took me almost 30 years to finally leave my ex. I would like if that learning time can be sped up a bit for anyone I share with. And thats my hope for you. So, back to the clay jar. Your bf is the clay jar. The first time you found he had cheated was like finding that something vile oozing through a crack, otherwise he is a seemingly wonderful 'jar'. If you had a way to look inside to see what lay in his mind and thoughts, in his heart, you may not have given him another chance when he came back to you, but it was due to your feelings of love you let him back in. You can not trust your feelings to lead you the right way, women fall in love too easily. Many women love men who do not deserve their love, who treat the women terribly, its not just you and I. I read blog by a male on relationships because I wanted to see how a guy thinks about real love with a woman. He did say that sometimes women will love a man who doesn't deserve her. He did say things like, he compliments you and builds you up, wants his family and friends to meet you, wants to spend time with you and you are high in importance to him, like one of three top priorities in his life, one is you, one is his job or schooling and the third is whatever it is, his buddies, a sport team he's on. Men don't juggle more things but if you are not one of top three priorities in his life, something is wrong. Almost there are about 4 stages of interest a man may have, one with being he's nice but he doesn't do enough to make you feel loved. He does a bit more but if you don't focus on what's lacking, you can make it work. If you can't, leave him. He does a lot of things right, but its not enough for you and finally he doesnt think of you as the most important treasure in his life, and treats you as such, he's a douch-bag--leave him immediately. I was amazed, this was a guy writing about guys and how they love, on their own terms. He did suggest women leaving men who just didn't get it. At 28, the bf should be old enough to start learning from his mistakes. I also saw a video once where two guys spoke to each other for our benefit on the subject of maturing and learning how to treat women well. These guys were just starting to learn this in their mid thirties and were admitting it and admitting to their prior mistakes which had ruined many different consecutive relationships. SO I am saying unless your man over time can decide to change, handle the whats and whys of his cheating before, and decide to think better and correct thoughts about what is right, and act in ways where you can regain confidence in him that he is now consistently behaving in ways that you know you can trust him for real, then there is a chance it will work, but that is likely a chance in a thousand or more. Once trust has been broken, it can't be repaired by saying sorry or please take me back, or I really love you, I don't know why I did that. A person can so easily say I love you or i am sorry. But words are cheap and easy to use and will fool lots of people most of the time. I have found that consistent actions, good or bad are what I can really believe in, and I won't allow myself to fall in love until I see a consistent pattern. I am sure that like myself, there were other earlier signs of things he said and did that would be warning signs to you, just as I never saw them when I was younger, but I saw them when I was older. What you can do that helps is think of yourself as your own HR department interviewing guys for the position of boyfriend. When you think you have a good one, then you choose to take him on a probationary period where you allow him to act as bf but scrutinize him to see how well he carries out this job. Same as in a company that agrees to take you on during a probationary period at the end of which you did well and you stay or you did poorly and go. They will only train so far for a job position and things like working well with others and following directions and using common sense are mentioned but not taught. Then if a new probationary employee were to go give help to a competitor company, making agreements with them for some kind of payoff, if something like that were found out by HR, would the company give that employee another chance? If you said yes, think of it as your own company, and he's selling secrets to a competitor, is it wise to trust the employee again. No it isn't. The same for you and this guy. If you are okay with not being the only women for him and him dividing his time up between who knows how many women, then, theres no problem. I believe you wrote in because this doesn't sit well as it shouldn't. You deserve a man who wants unconditional love to give and get from one woman only, no one else. Well, if you don't state that in the beginning when you first meet, the guy may not see things with same importance as you do. Also at beginning, before a first date even, things like "If this turns out serious later, I need to know now how you feel about children. Don't say how you feel because they can take your cue and pretend just to get you now. HOw does he feel about budgeting, following ones hobby, being active in a church, where he stands in politics, whatever is important to you (or most people in general)find out where he stands. There are no wrong answers, you understand? He can only reveal what is or is not important to him and by this you decide if he sounds like a good fit for you or not. If all his answers please you, and you are seriously considering dating the guy, now you tell him what boundaries you have, things that are a no, or you break it off. List your boundaries. I am not talking about a first date, but when you first meet, if you hit it off at a party, then by the end of the party, you both know if you want to start dating or go your own way and keep searching. Here is where you do share what you will and won't accept. You want a one woman man, no cheating, good with saving and budgeting money, keeps home tidy and clean, not afaid to cook or do laundry thinking its womans works, you want your first child in the next 3 years, if you like doing no makeup but love doing your nails, let him know and he'd have to be okay with you getting nails or hair done on a regular basis, and the list goes on. One I didn't have on my list, was PDAs and specifically sharing what I was okay with and what I wasn't, but okay with in private. You will add to your list.I wrote mine down and saved it on computer to keep reminding myself what I was looking for and not forget to tell a guy. As awkward as it may sound, guys had no problem with this. It comes across as confidence in a women when she tells a guy what the rules of the 'game' are up front before he starts playing. In fact, for many men, confidence in a woman is more attractive than a model type of woman who is empty headed and insecure or another kind of messed up inside. Now think, if I want to play a board game I have never played before and the seasoned player says, just follow me, its easy to figure out and doesn't give some basic instructions, you may make many mistakes before you catch on if its not as easy for others as he thinks. If he then got mad at you for doing things you did not know were right, how would you feel? He needs to know what your boundaries were and how he messed it up and that yes, you are not giving him access to your life so he can do it again. Tell him if you were looking for a part time bf who admitted up front to having several sex partners or that he wants to date several others at the same time, then that's okay for him to do, but not with you. YOU both are looking for different things. If you aren't criticizing of what he wants to do, a man is more likely to tell you up front the truth, even if it isn't popular with the majority of people...same thing as revealing one is bisexual. Nothing wrong with that, just that you don't want a guy like that. With this method, out of a hundred guys or more, who wrote me on a dating site, whom I didn't dismiss right away and actually met in public in coffee shops, only three were lying to me out of dozens I actually met with. So this works pretty good. I wish you a speedy recovery of your grieving and a brighter future and finding the right guy for you.

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I have a bf and I cheated on him with his best friend. He loves me and I too love him but this thing is stuck in his head and he needs my help how can I help him forget this thing. The thinks that if he leave me ever think will be okay but we cannot be without each other what shall I do I'm really sorry for the mistake

When we make a mistake in life, the best step we take next is to learn from our mistakes and do much better in the future. The problem is most people do not learn from their mistakes because they are busy trying to say or do things to help any persons who may be affected by their mistake. People figure if they can help someone affected by their mistake to somehow get over it, that just by that one thing you feel relieved and happy so you must have learned something. Nope, that not how life works. Don't worry hon, not looking down at you. There are plenty of people even way older adults who have never figured out how to Really learn from their mistakes.
So for this, you have to start questioning yourself.

Before I go there, I want to ask you to imagine you have a friend over who didn't ask but temporarily borrowed a top of yours because she wanted it to wear for a day. You discover it gone and when you get it back, it has with a big terrible stain on it that won't come out. She doesn't want you to drop her as a friend. She knew it was your favorite top, one of a kind, can't be replaced by one from a store and she wants you to forget it ever happened, forgive her and continue trusting her as you have before.

Forgiveness and forgeting are not the same thing. But people still use the saying "Forgive and forget". I have perfect memory of all my ex did to hurt me. Memories won't go away, but the emotion behind them can change. So instead of feeling hatred, anger, I feel like he did the best he could as a soul and that we were mismatched so badly, like a college grad with a kindergartner in mentalities. No one can forget hon, unless they get some brain injury that makes them lose their memory and which could be bad enough to forget their own name let alone yours. So the job here is not how to make him 'forget', but what can you do to be consistent from now on in all you do, always making the higher choice, better choice, the right choice and doing that consistently. If you mess up again, you are not consistent. That is how I choose my second husband, watching him closely how he acted, what he said when he was with me and knowing I could check with his family and friends to see if they know a different personality in him than I see. He was consistent. Here's the best example I was told once to understand this better. Lets say your boyfriend looks at you and see's a cracked jar, a clay jar that is meant to hold water. All he can see is the outside, and what is oozing out of that crack slowly. It should be water, you are a water jar, but what he see's is some kind of blackish sludge that smells bad oozing out. So he will think that there is a good chance that whatever is left inside, is more of that sludge instead of clean water. Not until that lid comes off and you clean the inside of that jar and replace it with clean water will you be at a place where you might again gain his trust or at least keep the trust of a new partner. Trust is hard to get to, takes a long time but breaking trust is easy and take one moment to break. Trust does not come back easily and can take even longer than the first time to regain that same level of trust. So if you are the jar, and I ask myself this from time to time, is there anything inside that is not clean and pure, anything that needs work or change? And that my dear, is where you are at. This is something we all have to go through at times in our lives, whether big mistakes or small. But inspecting ourselves closely and putting yourself in another persons shoes, looking at you. Would they find you kind, loving, thinking of their highest good, trusting? There is no such thing as people supposed to be a mixture of opposites like both kind and unfriendly, or trustful or untrustful. Well, maybe we are inconsistant at first, but the human as the perfected finished product really does not have both opposites residing in him/her. So you are on a road of discovery about your self. Some people live for what they consider the 'reward', whatever it is to them. So ask yourself if you did know that cheating was wrong, what made you make the choice? Was it because it was feeling so rewarding? Was it simple curiosity as to how another male would feel compared to others? A couple relationship is more complicated than a friendship in that it not only has a working friendship but it has what a friendship doesn't, sexual chemistry. People cave in to the immediate reward of sexual chemistry and have affairs while a friendship that takes up the larger part of this relationship, and is more intricate and has taken a long time to build is totally forgotten or ignored in your mind. I am always in life finding I need to make a choice or a better choice. I volunteer at a churches community dinner program, and of all the recent new helpers, there is one who tends to annoy me alot. He walks around like he is lost, no matter if given something to do. I have to answer his same question weekly when I see him as he is not retaining anything and not using any of my suggestions, such as observing others to see what they are doing and asking if they would like help. I am never at one task for a whole hour, more likely having completed what I see needs to be done. I could go on. When I feel this way, I know this is not the best way to feel and I can do better, so I pray for him to learn to feel comfortable with the volunteer group and for God to bless him in any way God sees fit. When I change my thoughts about him in that way, I find it helps. So thats my example of checking in with yourself to see what thoughts or actions you are doing or about to do and whether that is the best you can do, or do better. Until you understand why you cheated, you won't be guaranteed of doing the same again, maybe not with him but with someone else in the future. Also, my advice isn't picking on you. I am sharing life truths such as you can not change another person, you can only change yourself. A person may see you and want to be like you, but that desire comes from within them and they make a choice to be more like the person they want to follow. But credit still does not go to you, it goes to the other person for coming up with the desire inside. My ex had mental illness and a retired counselor friend tried to get him going to see a Dr. but hubby believed there was nothing wrong with him, so with the lack of desire or belief he needed to change, he did not and at my wits end with the abuse towards me, I got divorced. So I hope you see the best you can do is to look inwards and truly discover what caused you to make that choice. If you'd like, when you are ready and feel you understand why you did it, and want any extra advice based on life truths, then you can write me from my column at dragonflymagic. For now, all you can do is ask for forgiveness, not cling to him, and give him space but say you'd like to at least stay friends and stay in touch. Then if he see's you have changed over time, he may come back but that is not guaranteed. Usually when trust is broken, most people don't see each other again. I will share a short story of mine about broken trust. I was using an internet dating site after leaving ex. I did want a new partner, but someone I felt in love with and him with me, no one way streets this time. Put on my profile I was allergic to cigarette smoke so no smokers need apply. One guy thought to get me to fall for him thinking I might put up with his smoking once I was in love. Got to his place and he wanted to rent a movie back when DVD movies were in stores to rent for the night. So I hop in his car but it smells of stale cigarette smoke. He has said he had an adult son whom I had not yet seen. He said this son borrows the car often and just his son smokes. Okay, I had no reason to not believe him so I accepted the answer. Later in the evening, he is patting all his pockets out of habit and pulls out a cigarette carton, then freezes, realizing his mistake. I had just caught him in a lie. I didn't want a person I could not trust, that he was or wasn't telling the truth. I did not think it was an accident. I knew he still smoked but thought he could have me too. He was not about to change himself for me, so why would I want to spend time with him. This was the second date after meeting him. I need there was more dishonestly inside him like a cracked jar where I had witnessed one dishonesty already. I said it wouldn't work out with us and left. Then he left hateful voicemails twice. So he had a great temper too. Glad I avoided him. He broke my trust once and I would not give him an opportunity to carry on as if it never happened, forgive and forget, right? No, I could forgive if it was an honest mistake. Take an example with my new husband I found 13 yrs ago. He and I both shared our ground rules and boundaries and were okay with them. He never ever once did something he knew I would not like. Except for one thing I did not think to mention in the beginning. It was about PDA's. I don't mind a kiss, holding hands, a hand caressing onces back, hugging, cuddling. But for the sake of any onlookers who might be offended, I draw the line in public at groping or caressing the butt or boobs. Well, early on, he did this and I was visibly upset later back at home. He noticed as I was trying to think of how to tell him without hurting his feelings. He asked if he had done something without knowing and hurt my feelings. SO I told him I guess I had to make this a clear boundary rule now too, although I love any touch and intimacy with him, for sake of the public, not any embarrassment on my part, I didn't want him to touch butt or boobs. He apologized even though he wasn't trying to intentionally go against any boundary he knew of. He promised he would never do it again. In a case like this, something that isn't as clear as cheating as a no no, this is an example of where I did not cut off the relationship just over that, of course he got another chance, he didn't know, and neither did I think it had to be spelled out ahead of time. But to this day, that man has kept his word. I hope you see the difference there in giving another chance or not.

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So there are these twin boys who are in my last period. One is more preferably social since I see people usually talk to and hold conversation with him more than the other brother who is rather reserved and only speaks when spoken to. Well at least from what I’ve seen in that case, keep in mind I only have one class with them and don’t sit near them. From my POV I see myself in the brother who is more quiet and would like to become acquainted with him! I’ve observed a number of similarities between me and him and I need ways to get closer to him or talk to him in some kind of way. I am not one to speak first also I only speak when spoken to, it seems he is the same so does anybody have any tips or tricks to help me make a new friend?

I was like that all of school life through H.S. So I relate. I learned to become more outgoing in the end and now I am one who starts most conversations, especially with people who are strangers to me. You are right about the outward sign of more people hanging around the social twin. The reason is, most the kids don't know much about socializing yet either tho they sure had me fooled back then. See, we tend to gravitate toward the more lively looking people, those who smile and meet your eyes and will talk more than a few words and that's simply because its easier to them. of the basics of personality types which can be boiled down to four, two types have very few people and these prefer to be alone and be hermit like. However I would say it seems to me like 90% of people fit into the other two catagories which are Social and have a lot of people who fit the type. However one group is extrovert and the other is introvert or somewhere in between but the thing to remember is that even the quiet ones are social if you speak to them first and can make good friends. Since you find that hard, nothing will happen if you don't make the first move and keep making it until the person gets comfortable enough to begin responding and actually searching you out to talk to.
I understand how scary this is. I had real bad social anxiety back then too, long before Drs. had labeled and realized anxiety was a thing. I did learn it was actually my own mind and thoughts that made me uncomfortable, thinking too much of what other people were thinking and a friendly tease, I saw as an attack against me. None of this is true, so whatever your thoughts if any might be as to the outcome of starting a conversation, remember the actual chances of being turned away by a person who ends up being a hermit type wanting to be alone is very very slim. I've been starting convo's with people for decades and have yet to run across someone who truly does not want to socialize. If you can get yourself to really trust that fact, then it will be easier for you. You are the one with the wish to make a new friend as your motivation, he has none so if its going to happen it must be you speaking first.

Walking up to someone who isn't speaking to anyone and just starting a convo. rather than joining one already in process may sound scary but I have found it to be no big deal when I keep some things in mind. I try to start a conversation about something that is common to both of us at the moment. Here are examples, the woman picking out melons at the supermarkets when i was in the same spot, someone waiting at the same bus stop, a person who has the same class, person in line at a coffee shop, and so on. I have mentioned all that I have done. Then you say something and ask a question, but do not ask too many questions that are close ended. This means the question can be answered with a yes or no. And usually the quieter person will stop there and not say any more. Too many questions asked without offering a story or example from your life will make the person feel like you are interrogating them. You can still ask a question that ends in yes or no but be ready to ask more to keep the conversation going. Here's an example, "Other than your twin brother, do you have other siblings?" The shortest answer will be a yes or no. Lets say its a Yes. Now he is quiet again and does not elaborate. He answered your question and unlike other people feels no need to elaborate and tell more. A typical response would be the yes, followed by how many. If a bit more vocal, the person would offer the sexes and which are younger or older and another may go even further and provide their names, all which you did not ask for, but to keep the convo going, you might have to ask those questions if you want to know or just to keep the person talking. So with him, you can try to find a spot of time right before or after the class and maybe ask what he thinks of the class or the teacher. Asking for a persons opinion on something is a very good way to start. Since you don't have much time, it might be best to simply say that you have been observing him as well as the whole class and to you he seems to be the most like you from what you can see. You could add, I might be wrong but I thought I would say Hi and talk and see for myself if you are anything at all like me. I like having friends like everyone does. But its hard since I am more a quiet person. If he's really seeming too quiet and maybe uncomfortable at that moment, give him the permission to feel as he does and give him an out and also an invite. Heres' how that sounds:
You don't have to do anything you aren't ready to do, like talk to me or become friends. I just wanted you to know, I'd be interested in getting to know you to be friends. And don't worry, I am not looking for a dating partner, just a friend. Well, I've got to get going. "
I know that when I was scared to reach out, if I had a question or needed to talk to someone, I would reach out more likely to those who had already reached out to me. If you don't push him too hard, like approaching him every class, he shouldn't feel too bad if you approach him again in a few days.
If you yourself are dealing more with extreme shyness or anxiety of the social kind, I do have an exercise I did to come out of my shell. It must be performed with people you do not know so you are not already somewhat comfortable, you follow only one step until you feel real comfortable before moving on to the next step. So its done at your own pace. I had to start with simply smiling at people as I passed them. And That alone was terrifying for me. Once I could do that comfortably, I graduated to a smile plus saying Hi as I passed by. Again, I was terrified. I had to switch off my thoughts and not think before doing so or I would overthink it, come up with reasons not to and so on. I hope this gets you started. If you want more info on becoming less uncomfortable with meeting and greeting people, let me know by writing me this time posting your request from my column, dragonflymagic. Good luck

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Thanks for answering


I don’t think she thinks it’s cool to be in prison but it’s cool to see the inside of one and thinks some parts of it are amusing like

My daughter seems to find the idea of her mom wearing a uniform, sharing a room funny. I wonder why she would think it is funny. Interestingly they have a good relationship. It’s not her mom really. It’s the environment, people, and dress. I asked a person who works at the jail if it is if it is normal that my daughter finds it a bit funny that her mom has to take group showers and wear a uniform and follow orders. She said absolutely. Since she has a good relationship ship with her mom it makes sense she would poke some fun at her especially having to be nude in front of other people since it is embarrassing but also a bit funny. What do you think

I am sure there is a saying about this, roughly going: It's funny until it happens to you. She's not old enough to use her imagination this way due to the frontal cortex of brain needing time to mature which is on average around 25. Before that, adults will need to paint the picture for her. So lets say if she's laughing about Mom taking group showers nude for all to see, I would say something like, its funny to you until it happens to you. I wish for you to understand this. So maybe when Mom gets out, we can arrange for you to take a shower at home with your female friends and Mom watching you shower. How would you feel? What If your friends were laughing and thought this was great fun, would you? I don't mean to actually do that, just that she hears something like this from Mom might be good. She needs that extra help to visualize this. Every person is different in how they learn, so she still may not get it. But its worth the try.

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Hello Everyone I am a teenager and I am 17,and from India Some months ago I went into this online relationship with a man, seriously a man whose age is 23, now I met him through some game where we could actually talk and I could talk in front of 3 guys including him I was very confident and in his eyes also I impressed him but now I have lost that all after the day i got into relationship with him. He proposed me and he is very attractive and matured I just said yes in flow but yeah I did like him but never thought of going too far and I never knew that what was going to happen after. It seems like I was not quiet ready for the relationship maybe. I used to get scared and nervous later on, on his texts and when he used to call me. I never used to give my efforts and I used to feel guilty too but there were feelings for him it's like I am not able to express myself. I go blank when I am in his presence, my hands get cold and my heart beats so fast. It's not the only thing that happens I kind of get jealous when I see her female friends when they are very friendly and I feel like I wish if I could be with him too. Then I see his brother and other friends whom have great personality too I feel they would definitely think me I am boring and I am dumb, What if my boyfriend talks about my personality I would be so embarrassed. I never felt this , this is the first time I am feeling intense Fear with excitement because I feel my boyfriend is special to me. I feel guilty everyday and regret that I am not putting any efforts and whatever happens I am responsible for that, I told him about my nervousness he said "You have to talk about your problems with me not just sit ideally with your problem" And I said him many times that I really wanna talk to you but I can't I get nervous so he said "Please stop this" I am just giving up everyday I feel so embarrassed and what is he thinking about me. It's just not about talking I could not even get sarcastic around him I just don't know what's happening. Experiencing this for the first time in my life. I am feeling that I am just disappointing him which is true I am just giving up please advice me. 

If any person feels scared, not ready, then it is never a good idea to force yourself into a situation where you will continue to feel unready for all that it involves, then you are plainly not ready. If you don't believe that you are not ready, then you have to look at why you wrote us in the first place. A marriage that will be a good one lasting all your life, is one where both of you are best friends and also where there is a romantic chemistry and you both are sexually compatible. I may have lost you as far as understanding me by now so I will give examples. I have found when dating that if I kissed one man, it felt good, kissed by another and it felt awful like being kissed romantically by a male relative. The difference here from friendship to a couple relationship is the presence or the lack of this chemistry. This is something a person can not tell over the internet. You might like how the other person thinks and how they express themselves, their humor, but there is so much missing that it is not a good way to know for yourself if a person is the best person to marry. I don't know about the customs or age to marry in India. But I do know that all people, the whole world around, develop the same as in any other country. Our bodies mature first. So technically, at 17 your body may be ready for a sexual relationship, but the mind takes longer to finish maturing and scientists agreed on an average age of 25 for most. Some are ready a few years sooner and some take much longer and may not become capable of making good decisions for themselves until age 30 or so. This means that for right now, you are not mentally or emotionally ready for marriage, even though your body may be. At 23, he may have the mature brain by now and know what he is doing. However I question that since he wants to marry someone he had met online where even kissing each other feels strange or bad. He knows nothing about chemistry, but then few do, even adults. This is why some arranged marriages won't work. In time they will love each other...yes, but the love is that of a best friend only with the chemistry missing that makes up the other part of what a marriage needs. I have that now with my second husband. I married when I was 20, only 3 yrs older than you and the man had fooled my parents and friends. After the marriage, he was verbally abusive and yet I stayed and raised kids with him, not leaving until after 30 yrs of marriage. With him, there was no best friend part and certainly no chemistry. Yet since I was young and inexperienced. the exciting feeling I had felt at the beginning fooled me. It was what is called NRE (new relationship energy) and can feel like the real thing, like love, not any kind of love but unconditional love. It is like the excitement of receiving a wrapped gift and opening it to get your gift and its something you wanted but after some time, this NRE will fade and disappear, leaving you with whatever you have in common, and in my case, it was nothing, nothing in common, no love, no excitement, not even good sex. I actually thought that all movies and books with a romance were totally made up and that there is no such thing. Oh yes there IS! I have that with my second husband. The reason many young men will look for someone who is not yet older and mentally mature brainwise, is that they know, even if subconsciously that a younger female is not going to be able to make the best decisions and is most likely to be easily manuevered to what he wants. A guy looks for younger women because the ones his age, already know better and can easily see his faults and how those would hurt or destroy a relationship. But a younger one wouldn't know any better. So do not worry, you fell for compliments as any young female is likely to do, myself included. If your parents are not choosing for you or wanting you to marry early, then it is your choice alone and if you don't feel ready, then remember you matter first. It is not selfish. If we aren't ready to be the fully functional happy and well adjusted adult, then thats all the matters. He was looking in the wrong place for a reason, looking for a younger woman. It is too easy to fool the younger woman who doesn't have any or much life experience yet. It is best you get to know a young man in a few years, but do so in person, not over the internet. Leave it to friendship only on the internet. Dating, or marriage do not work that way. If it does work, it was an accidentally lucky chance that they were truly compatible and had the chemistry that friendship lacks for a dating or marriage relationship. Young men will also say anything them can to make a female believe the guy loves them and really wants marriage. then while dating, before marriage, they may keep asking for sex and when the females weakens and lets him have what he wants, many young men disappear, moving on to luring in the next woman in hopes of free sex. This is a saying, why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free. And it means, why commit to marriage to get sex, when you can get it for free by misleading and fooling the female. this is not as easy to do when you grow older. So the only disappointment a guy might have is that you said no to marriage which he wasn't offering anyways due to wanting to talk you into sex.

If by chance he is a great guy, then he will want
to meet you in person, spend time in person getting to know you so both of you can decide if each other is the right one. He would also be willing to remain just friends until you are older and feel ready if you feel in love with him. If any guy gives you any objections about this, then he is not a good guy and would make a terrible husband. When a divorced and was looking for a companion at near 50 yrs old, I was older and could see through a lot of things guys did. They acted so nice when I met them at coffee shops. Then later after a few dates, the pretending to be someone I would like, disappeared, such in the story of the man who smoked. I specifically wrote in my dating profile that I was allergic to cigarette smoke and so the guy could not be a smoker or willing to quit, because I knew how hard that is for people. So he hid it from me until the third date, he was relaxed and thought he had fooled me, that I would be in love and willing to put up with whatever, including smoking. So when he reached into a pocket and pulled out a pack of cigarettes after telling me the stale smoke I smelled was from his son who smoked, he knew he had messed up royal. I told him that this would not work out and I left. That day and for several after, he left angry messages about my dropping him. First, he lied, he was a smoker and then he showed his anger problem. There would not have been a problem if he had written to a woman who was a smoker or did not care. It was all his fault so his nasty messages did not affect me. He wasn't the only one. There were two others pretending to be something they weren't. So you set the rules and the boundaries you are comfortable with and any man not willing to do so, is not worth it. If I was leaving a marriage where I was emotionally abused, why would I choose a different guy but with other big problems that would kill a relationship or hurt me in some way. Because I was careful and very picky, and if even one thing only on my list of things to avoid was true for a guy, I already checked him off my list, I wouldn't even consider him. I was rewarded my finding a man through on line dating who wanted a real relationship and was everything I wanted. Many can say they have a wonderful husband when he buys expernsive gifts for them. He isn't rich, but he sure knows how to show it. Saying it isn't proof. I watched first to see if he was consistantly a man with the good traits he said he had. And yes, he was telling the truth. I am so happy now and I wish the same for you, so don't rush into a marriage. I know now that even 20 was too young for me. I wasn't scared but I did not have enough knowledge yet to make a good choice.

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Some background information:
I've known my best friend for 8 or so years and we were perfect friends until 2 or so years ago, when she first started talking to this dude on tiktok.
Don't get me wrong, I encourage her to have her own feelings and I love that she wanted to get out and talk to guys. But she started acting... Weird after.
We were the type to talk bad about people for a quick laugh, but didn't actually mean it. We'd never say it to their faces or spread rumors. So it wouldn't have been unusual for us to talk bad about the guy she's talking to... Except she thought it was. She'd get defensive about it. I understand wanting to protect him, but seriously. It's all jokes, she knows it.
Well fast forward a few months later, she's talking to more guys and won't let me talk bad about any of them. Oh well, so sad. Doesn't matter to me.
Then she gets in a relationship. I hated the guy for some time because he just seems conceited and I don't like his energy. He kept leaving her on opened or delivered for hours on end, even when he would be active on Snapchat after she sent it. I told her that was a big douche move of him, but as always she defended him. Oh well, not my problem.
Another fast forward, they're getting down to their last months together. I made the plan to jokingly message him, with her permission, on a fake account to catfish him and try to see if he'd cheat.
Guess what? He said he was single. I had just confirmed all my bad feelings towards him.
Bad news, she didn't break up with him until like 2-3 months after.
Then blah blah blah she was upset blah blah she dated this really creepy guy from our Town who I despised (and still do) and dated him for a while, not the main point
Then she broke up with him and got back with toxic cheating ex. She won't let me bring up that he cheated, claims he "changed". I think he's only in it because she buys him stuff. He hardly talks to her some days so :/

But, again, not the main point. Throwback to like middle of her dating creepy guy, she told me I was the only reason she was here.
It really put a weight on my shoulders that I didn't want, having recently gone through losing two pets that were close to me.
But of course, I stayed silent and accepted it.
Only problem is, now she's super toxic and I can't let her go in fear of her offing herself in turn. I'm scared. I don't want to cause her death, and I don't want to lose her as a friend, but I have no other options.
I'm getting close to the end of my line.
Recently she introduced me to a guy and we started dating last month. He's an amazing guy and I like him a lot.
Only problem is, she's nosier than a spy. She openly reads my chats with him and I hate it. Then she keeps joking that I should break up with him, and that her telling me he likes me and pushing us to ask each other out was a joke. Like some joke, huh?
It bothers me because she can just up and ask for my stuff and snoop through my privacy and break my boundaries, but the moment I break one of hers or anything, she stops talking to me, gives me the silent treatment, or gets really sad and then I'm left to worry about her.

So I'm looking for some advice. What do I do? I don't want to drop her as a friend, because we have great memories, but she's toxic af. And I also can't drop her just randomly because we go to the same school and she might off herself. I'd tell her family, but I don't know if any of them care enough to believe me to help her.
I'm at a loss. Help?

Has her behavior changed drastically over the years where you notice her very depressed all the time, even when it does not include boys? If so, she may be depressed and then her family needs to know so they can take her to a Dr. My oldest hid it from me so well that even though I watched all my kids for changes like sleeping patterns, no interest in things and so when she told me after having her first child that she was having suicidal thoughts and feeling the same about the baby, I was blindsided but took her to her Dr. where she was referred to get help.

Other than depression, if under 25 yrs of age, she may be going through the same thing many teens go through. Their bodies are developing to maturity but the brain is far behind. A crucial part of brain used to make good decisions and see ahead to potential consequences to any action one takes, is not mature yet so teens are without the ability to make good decisions on their own. And this sounds much like what is going on with her. Plus I might add that she seems to find self worth in having a boyfriend, whether he is right for her or not. I know it may be hard to you to watch, but currently she is convinced she knows what she's doing and that there isn't any problem with her choices. While I mention teens, I do know from watching my own kids as well as those of others and see that while a person may eventually around age 25 beoome more mentally mature, there are enough people for whom that does not happen til later twenties or even 30, and a few, not at all. But the average is 25 so it can happen sooner for a few or much later. The brain might be done growing but bad habits by now have formed that they repeat and don't learn from. Since she isn't willing to listen to opinions, advice or anything, there isn't much you can do. Let her make her own mistakes, but decide what is best for you. Since her behavior is driving you nuts (personally, it would affect me too) it may be best to limit your time with her. Make a new friend or two to hang with. Don't seek out this troubled friend, just let her seek you out and then spend a little time with her and if you need some great reasons to get away from her, you might want to let a couple other friends or your Mom know to call you at a certain point in time if not at your house and say you are needed at home right away. That is your excuse to get away at a time you will have had enough of time spent with her. It won't always workk and she may get suspicious of you use this all the time or its never your Mom. This way she doesn't feel dumped and you don't feel emotionally worn out by her.

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Would allowing my 15-year-old daughter to visit her mom who will be in jail for 7 months for check fraud be a bad idea even if they have a good relationship since then she will see the inside of a jail and prisoners? Not to mention her mom in a jumpsuit. My daughter would like to go and seems enthusiastic and my wife says bring her if she wants but I’m not sure



Actually my daughter does not seem scared but instead seems excited and enthusiastic to visit. This is strange to me. Do you find this normal? My daughter seems to find the idea of her mom having to wearing a uniform, sharing a room funny. I wonder why she would think it is funny. My wife says bring her if she would like to and my daughter says she would like to but I don't know if it is a good idea. She hasn't gone yet so we can still discuss it together.


Thinking I will take her. But there is no doubt my daughter will want to ask her mom questions about what it is like to share a cell and if she has to take showers with other people. Is that appropriate for a 15 year old?


This is hard to answer simply because it involves a teen at an impressionable age. What I am mainly speaking of is brain development in teens, and the pre frontal cortex which is the last part of brain to become mature as an adults brain. That doesn't happen according to scientists until around age 25 in people. You and me, we were like that too at her age. It isn't something you can find a way around. I am attaching an article I want you to read on the subject and use what you read there to make your decision. Don't brush this off. Teens are incapable of planning ahead, seeing possible problems of any of their actions therefore it is always a possibility that she could make a rash decision and decide she wants to see what it feels like to be in there and do something to land her in juvenile jail.
https://www.newportacademy.com/resources/mental-health/teen-brain-development/

As to why the daughter may be plain and simply excited to see Mom, not looking at all her other ideas, is that children want the close relationship with a mother and father and often those who have parents mistreating them, still love their parents and want the relationship. She may be missing Mom. If you can call the wife at a time daughter isn't around to hear you talk, then ask wife to not glorify the place, speak plain and true to the daughter about choices and consequences and how it is better to share with another adult what you are contemplating doing, BEFORE you do it so you can get helpful input. Talking about her crime may be a good thing. If Mom does realize what she did is wrong and how the situation could have been avoided, simply by talking to others of financial concerns, even if it is for something smaller like money for a piece of needed furniture, or a family vacation. If the wife had talked with you and a best friend of what she was thinking and going through, others could have warned her and possibly advised her of things she could do that were legal. The daughter might think its cool to be in prison but both of you are the parents and so both of you need to coordinate ahead of visit, what to say, how to share it and refrain from saying thats its not really so bad and mom will be back soon. Downplaying this is a no no. You might want to read and share the article I gave you with wife so she knows about the issue with teens brains and issues with ability to make good decisions. Best of Luck

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I want to propose my ex girlfriend again becuase I breakup with her when I was not at good mental state

When you were not in a good mental state, did you tell her something of why before you left? If you did not and just left her, that is a very hard thing for any person, man or woman to get over, the not knowing and the grieving the loss. So in that case, I can not say any words from you now will make a difference. Unless you plan to never marry, dating a girl in step one in finding out if a person is someone you can trust be strong for but also lean on, in tough times for you. That is what a marriage is. You promise to be there for each other through better times and worse times. When one is having a crisis, they should be talking to their partner, even a girlfriend. Lets say you told her and she couldn't handle the fact you were having a crisis and left you . . .that would be conditional love, basing their love on only good times, and not caring when you are sad or hurt or depressed, and so on. Unconditional love is the one that should be in every couple relationship, every family. Home should be ones safe place. When you left, you didn't give her a chance to show you if she felt conditional or unconditional love so now it may take much longer to find out. What about her? Would you feel 100% sure you want to marry someone who without warning just left you for a while, even if they felt they had a good reason? I would personally see that as a potentially unreliable person, not knowing if and when he would take off again. If someone like that happened to me, I might only give him a chance to date again, if he would start talking to me about his day every day, not just the good things but the bad, your worries if any and so on. I certainly would not acceptable a proposable for marriage. Any girl who would accept marriage after what happened, is probably more in love with the idea of having a wedding rather than in love with you. You do not want to ask her to marry IF she agrees to talk to you. But you can go ahead and do whatever you want anyways and blow your chance.

If she will listen, you apologize first and then explain what happened, what you were thinking as even I don't know what was going through your head.
There are many marriages that lack unconditional love so when something tragic happens, instead of getting closer and having only each other during a crisis or tough time, they have nothing when the worst happens, like losing a child. Both blame the other and split up after that. So explain yourself well and better have to share what was going through your mind. If you see what I am saying and how wrong it was, you will have to give her time to see how you handle the next crisis and that may be a long while off.

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Actually, my mother-in-law's vitamin D level get down. The level is 9.8 that is so thinkable. Doctor said that he didn't see this type of low level any of patient. So, we are facing very anxious time. Please if anyone has idea about this then please clear me details. 
Thank you...!

This is more common than you might think. People get the vitamin D from the sun. So when older and just going to work and/or being back at home, we cook and clean and usually don't go out and play like little kids. What the Doctor may have said is that Moms vitamin D is low. Vitamin D is one of the supplements I take daily now that I am older and yes, my Doctor recommended I buy some and start taking it. vitamin D is essential for strong bones, because it helps the body use calcium from the diet. So that is all Mom has to do. If the Doctor did not tell her what type of D supplement and how many to take per day then she or someone in the family should call and find out. Most are taken as one per day. I do not know if a doctor would ask anyone to take two for a while if its severely low, so its best to call and check.

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i got no interest in collecting or wearing cartoon clothing but i got worried about not buying it period being unacceptable .

Ahaha, you have kinda given away your age bracket by asking this. I used to care a bit more about what others thought when younger too. Something that happens as you get older is that you no longer care what others think. It took til my mid thirties before I no longer cared. See, this situation of what you wear, is worrying more about what others think, than what you would enjoy. Someone must have said something so that you ended up wondering if there is a rule about a person must or not wear cartoon character clothes. Its really only about your own personal taste. When flare jeans were the IN thing, I wore whatever I had, stove pipe pants is what I heard. I was teased by a few people for what I wore but I never let that worry me or make me decide to follow the example of the popular kids and get all the same things they had, to feel we fit in better. If you have no interest in it, simply don't wear it, even if there is an unwritten rule that your peers will dictate who does what and anyone who doesn't follow will be ostrasized. I've always bucked those unwritten rules. Simply since These rules werent mandates or the law, the same goes for you. You decide if you want to follow and lose a part of how you express yourself, or you decide to carve your own path, use the path less traveled so you will stand out as one who doesn't go along with the crowd. Thats not a bad thing. And at the first reunion, you will find the rules some teens had when young, they no longer do it or worry about it. They are like totally different people. So people change alot after HS. Don't worry if others are doing it and copying each other or not.

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Does that mean all the suffering I've faced is now invalid because he has adhd?Are my feelings now just not justified because of his adhd?What can I do to help him?By the way he doesnt know that I know of his adhd.

I have never known ADHD to cause a person to mistreat another. I am with Dr. Stephanie on this. Also, without knowing what you are calling mistreatment, I wouldn't be able to say what I see happening. However I was married 30 years to a man who was verbally abusive and started the pushing and shoving me at the end of the relationship. Not saying your guy has mental illness, just that I know what mistreatment of many different types feel like. The people who are picked on end up needing some help as the victims of mistreatment. I did. Saw a psychologist but most helpful was living with the retired counselor friend and his wife for a while right after I left my ex. He noticed my own escape mechanisms in place which I used to tune out from ex but I was using it on everybody now. He pointed it out every time he saw it and I worked on it til I no longer used this way of escapism. If he doesn't know that you know, it can only mean you know symptoms of ADHD, but there may be other things that have overlapping symptoms. You can't diagnose him, only a professional can. Get counseling for yourself and ask them there how you can best suggest him seeing a counselor as well.

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My long distance boyfriend of 2 years is often losing himself. He has numerous mental disorders, and struggles with them daily. He often provokes fights when he drinks and generally has a lot of anger that builds up. This weekend, he is going to a party and so am i, he wants to get smashed and talked about this one asshole he wants to beat up, he also said he might kill him. Knowing him, he will, he wont hesitate if he wants to. But i also wanted to drink and im not sure if i should or stay home incase something happens to him.

If he is a minor, his parents need to know so they can get him help. If he's an adult, he will need intervention from a professional but its hard to get a sick person to acknowledge they need help. My first husband had mental issues and even told a retired counselor friend that he was okay and I was the problem. It's probably a good thing he is long distance because that guy is very troubled and likely toxic to a relationship and not good Boy friend material at all.
So you say you want to stay home in case something happens to him. Think about what you can realistically do if he needs help. Are you going to fly out to where he is to help? Over text and such, all you can do is offer encouraging words. Do you even have phone numbers of his family so you can call them in case he calls you. What if he calls to say he did kill a person? What can you do to undo that, give life back to the person killed. You can't do that any more than you can have some positive effect on him causing him to seek out professional help. I will pray and suggest you do too. People who are depressed will not get better without professional help. A person needs to hit bottom before they will be open to help. All you know is what he has said to you, so what you have to share with lets say police, may not help. You'd need to give him name and phone number to suicide prevention and see if they will call him. Those who don't want to kill themselves when in this state will often kill an innocent person. Or he may pick a fight but never leave it, ending up dead himself depending on who he picked on. I believe there are things that need to occur to get him help and I would highly recommend you checking into what is and isn't a toxic relationship. If you find yourself preferring a person with all these problems, it may be an indicator that you are a person who is simply born with a compelling want to help others, serve others, make others lives a little better. That's a real thing. Knowing where and when you can help is a good thing but there are limits to what one can do to help and that depends on the openness of the other person to help. One who is hell-bent on pursuing the kind of life he does, drinking til smashed and being violent, wanting to kill, is not in the frame of mind to want any help. If anything, call your local police and ask them what you can do to help prevent a tragedy of his getting out of control. Usually, there is nothing. They only come out to arrest and mop up after the fact. There isn't enough man power to monitor and watch a person who might commit a crime. When my car was stolen and taken for a joy ride by a group of kids one night, it was discovered many miles away, totalled. When I got to see my car, it was full of cigarette cartons and a bible with name and phone number in it. So apparently a group of kids stole it right after going to church, maybe a youth group. Told police I had something for them to follow up on but they said, no they did not have enough manpower to go after the one whose bible was left in the car. So he will have to kill and end up in jail maybe before he realizes he needs and also wants help.

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I'm with this incredible guy for over a year now, so gentle so tender, he knows how to trat a lady, attentive, loyal and every girl's dream to be..
it's been awhile we're having this fights small not even important kind of fights, he don't understand me i don't understand him...
and now it's been a week he's beem neglecting me, not like before not a single sweet word goes from his mouth, i talked to him many times, but everytime i do i feel like im being needy and need all this attention.
i feel so sad and i honestly don't know how to handle it anymore, i know in every relationship things change later on, but this is not my first relation and i never experience anything like it.
i feel like he doesn't want me anymore. and always has answers whenever i try to confront him or feels annoyed.
i just don't know..

When you say you've been with him for over a year, the amount of time you have seen him depends on the situation. If dating only and living separate, either you see him several times a week or once a week, or perhaps you live together and see each other a lot more. You speak of walking away. So before you do, I dont know but you do, how much time has been invested in this relationship. So in a years time, the fighting started later, but how much later and why wasn't there any fighting in the beginning. I know of one possibility which is New relationship energy. Its like a drug, a high excited feeling you have when you first meet and can last a couple months or maybe even 6 months or so if you don't see each other often. Its like when you expected a certain item you dreamed of and begged the parents for as a child and when you got it for Christmas, you were over the moon excited and thats all you wanted to play with. After some time goes by, the present you thought was so great, didn't quite hold your attention anymore and was eventually ignored like the life size doll I wanted when 5 but when I got it, I tired quickly of trying to haul this big object around with me. Anything to do with crafts or art were the things that held my attention and to this day as a grandma, I still love discovering new DIY crafts to do. If the two of you or even one was attracted but it was this heightened energy that made you think you were perfect for each other, then after it wears off, those feelings wear off too. So this could be the situation. However you said you've been in relationships before. If I were a fly on the wall, what would I have seen in the interactions between you and past boyfriends? Sometimes, what if common to us and normal because many of the family members we grew up with acted like this, may not be good traits in a romantic relationship. I tend to look at myself first to see if there might be anything I was doing that might contribute to the way a partner reacts.

YOu said the fights were small and unimportant, yet you write in and mention them. So I believe they are more important than you think. My second husband and I are very much alike but we have our differences. For instance, he could never do this, answering an advice column, he told me, he would lose patience with people, not feeling as compassionate but I am able to put myself in others shoes to imagine what its like or I simply have to remember a time I went through the same or similar stuff. So we don't fight, but we disagree and do so regularly but not on the same things, just whatever we are facing a particular day. We each state what we believe is right or best at the time. Then we seek a compromise or take turns going with what he thought was best. and next time we go with what I thought was best. If one of us was wrong, then we do it the way the other said to begin with. There are many things in a relationship that take skills we are never taught in school. HOw to converse with another human, how to start conversations, how to voice a complaint properly, and so on. I have learned all this through going through the experiences. Thats okay, you're not a bad person for having the experienes, but there is a problem if it keeps happening again and again. It means we are not learning from our experience what to avoid and what to do next time. We just want to escape the moment, be right all the time (really-who doesn't) and hope a fairy tale relationship just happens, like magic, without any effort but oh how much effort it takes. And it is daily choices on when to speak up and when it really doesn't matter and its best to shut my mouth. What are your needs and wants in a man, and what are his needs and wants in a woman. If one or neither of you can put that into a list right now, then neither really may be the right one for the other. If you see him as someone you want to marry, have be father of your children and live with til the day you die, then it might be great to both go for couple counseling, basically the same as marriage counseling cus its all about how to get along with the other. If so, and he is willing to go, then hopefully you'll both pinpoint areas to improve on. If he isnt willing, work on yourself and see if that makes the relationship better. If not, you may have to make a drastic change in your life and re evaluate what kind of guy you are really looking for.

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Hi

This is about my last question. Basically a “friend” from high school told me she is going to study abroad. We haven’t seen each other in a year. She then invited me over to her place but basically we sat there in quiet, she didnt even offered me anything, it was me who brought something for us to eat. Then after 2 hours she indirectly told me to leave.
I then told her we should meet during summer before she leaves. She agreed but basically whenever I would ask her she would tell me she is busy and working. Dont tell me
that even if she is working that she couldnt find 2 hours for me to say goodbye.

You know what, she just posted a picture with classmate from high school (she wasnt close with her as she was close to me) that she is abroad. That means she left to study abroad even without goodbye. She didnt even bother to text me that she is gone.

The whole summer she “didnt have time” to hang out with me. I told her about some of my problems and she helped me. But she did have time to meet up with someone she didnt even know very well.

I texted her about it and she just gave it a seen. So she didnt even bother to respond to me. Please tell me what to do. I really wanna die because she was my last “friend” and i cannot even comprehend the pain im feeling right know. I really wanna die. The fact that she told me nothing and isnt even responding to my message…I just cant anymore. I thought she cared about me.

This was the last thing that kept me away from killing myself. Because I thought she cared about me but she never did and I just wanna die so badly. This was the last knob to my coffin.

When a person writes something about wanting to die or kill themselves, it must be taken seriously. If you are THAT depressed, it might be best for you to go see a professional. They are better equipped to help a person through times of great change and heartache.
If you were just using it as a figure of speech, then read on.
Sometimes we may talk about death, dying and such when we face something in life that is so hard to deal with. First we need to realize that some people come into our lives for a reason, a season or a life time. A reason might be when you are needing to hear or experience something you wouldn't if they didn't show up in your life, a season to me is a period of time that you are missing something or needing something in your life now but won't need from them for life. I am full of sayings today as another came to mind about not putting all your eggs in one basket. The phrase suggests that someone has physically put all the eggs they have in one basket and is then at risk of dropping the basket, losing everything they worked hard for. For you, I can only guess, as I don't know what other friends you have as you make it sound like she's the only one. And if so, then she would be the one egg, or one friend you rely on to feel cared about and if the basket drops and the egg breaks, its all gone, same as her seeming to drop out of your life.
It is a known that from HS and onward, our circle of friends and even close friends can change because we change. As people grow and make choices, their choices can take them down a path where one or both can feel they no longer have much in common. At a HS reunion, I saw friends I long ago stopped seeing because my life had me on a track now so different from theirs. I was close to thirty when I finally no longer saw any of them. While it was good to see them, I realized at the reunion that we had nothing in common anymore.
This is something we can't control, it just happens as part of life. My HS friends did not reach out or stay in touch either so we all adjusted well. Even my best friend from junior high, the person I was always closest too, we kept in touch by phone since she was in another state. We were probably in our early forties when I told her of some of the changes in my life and which way I was heading now. She was so conservative and was also very alarmed. I am convinced I am going the right path for me and at same time realized I had nothing more to talk with her about, at least not things that really mattered. I was not going to simply talk about the weather and ask how her kids are and then pretty much there is nothing left to say. So we no longer stay in touch. I am giving you my examples because we never broke friendship, we simply drifted apart. It most likely is the case for you. Often the people who can't handle the drifting apart of a friend are those who only tried to get all their friendship needs taken care of by one or two people so when they are no longer with you, or have left you and stopped contact, and these people felt abandoned, and heart broken as you. I know that situations like this can lead to feeling depressed. Happened to a daughter about 15 yrs ago when a boyfriend dumped her. SHe felt so depressed and told me about it. I told her of things she could do to feel better, simple things that would increase her 'feel good' hormones so she could feel more ready to move on. What I shared was what I have learned in life as stuff a psychologist would tell you. Well, she went for her one free visit through work insurance to see a Psychologist and knowing he had only this one visit to help her, based on the fact this was a situational depression, coming about because of a devastating situation, and not something she's had all her life, he gave her a list of things she can do to get better. The list he gave her was exactly the same as what I told her she said. So if you go for help, and you have had no depression life long until now, and its due to losing your friend, then that is situational and can be treated without meds in almost all people by seeking a professional with the letters CBD trained. These are trained in Cognitive behavioral therapy which will help you and your thought life so you can go on. Study what it really means to be a friend, try to be like that in all aspects of what you do. Work on yourself, gaining a bright outlook, a joyful and kind personality and when you look attractive as a potential friend, you will attract like minded people. You don't however wait for someone to notice you but join groups to meet people. There are groups for singles but I am thinking more of hobbies, beliefs, practices of yours. There is a group online called Meet ups .com but I left spaces because typing it in here connected me to their page. In this venue you put the area and zip you live in and start looking for what groups already exist in your area. I have seen mommy groups consisting of walking together with babies in strollers and ending with buying smoothies to meditation, board game lovers, to more of the belief based, and if it doesn't exist yet, a group can be started. People chat online but the look forward to point is the weekly or bi weekly scheduled live gatherings. Be the person who starts up conversations with a stranger, they might become a friend. Its easy when all you do is compliment them or ask a question, as I asked a lady tapping melons in the grocery. She taught me how it sounds when ripe and ready to eat. So please don't give up and if you want the list of things to do to help with boosting your feel good hormones that got all used up during this time you are dealing with your loss.

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I am 27 my BF 27.
I am in a long distance relationship for five years. We see each other 2/3 times a year. My boyfriend is very caring and nice. And off course I trust him a lot.
A few months back a saw a girl commenting on few of his post. and by her comment it seems like they chat sometimes. She always reacts with love react to his post. and sometimes comments praising his singing.
Now my BF has other female friends, they are his classmates and colleagues. And I am not insecure about them at all. But this girl is not his classmate or colleague.
Now I am not saying that he is having something with her. Like I said earlier I trust him completely. But I don't know why I have this weird feeling that the girl has a crush on my BF and she is trying to impress him. Should I do something about it? It is bothering me a lot. I didn't ask my bf about the girl yet. Should I ask him? How can I ask him? or should I just ignore it?
BTW we don't share our couple picture online or post anything about our relationship online. As me and my BF both are very private person. Our close friends and family members know about our relationship. But we don't showoff online.

When you ask how to react, to my perspective, I believe you have already reacted, or you would not have written this. Have you ever met in person? If not, the relationship you speak of is only over the web, not in real life. In a real life, RL, relationship, trust can be grown from seeing what the partner acts like consistently--like when tired, hurt, upset, angry etc does the person change in how they treat you. A guy can say, you are the only one for me but you are a picture on the screen and words on screen or in text or calls, not face to face where we miss seeing the facial expressions, tone of voice and so on. Another thing crucial to a relationship at the beginning is romantic chemistry.This is only something you can tell exists if done in RL. I met guys who sounded great but when met in RL, we both realized there was no chemistry and said so to each other.
Notice I am not talking about the other girl because she is in the same boat as you, applying more value to the online LDR than it deserves. I have done this all, so I am not talking about something I know nothing about.I felt hopeful about guys I met online but I never wanted someone far away, but someone within a certain amt of miles away so I can see the person regularly, not over the internet. Technology should really only be used to learn of the existence of the other person and if they sound good, to schedule to meet in person asap. And if a couple have a RL relationship but one goes away for college or into the military, then yes...an LDR goes a long way into making life bearable until you can see each other again in RL. So if you have had a RL relationship with this person, you then know whether you can lay your imagination or concerns to rest. In an LDR where the two have never met, there is always the chance that the unexpected could happen, such as one of the two of you meeting someone in RL whom you begin to see and get serious about. It is much easier for a guy to start dating a girl in person, while keeping up the LDR with you. You say you trust him so that shold be end of story, no reaction needed, other than loving thoughts of your sweetie.

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Hello advisor,
Hope you're doing good, I am 21 and in recent days my life is like hell, nobody want to understand me. When I started talking about my problems to friends and family they don't response about it. I am a shy guy. last few months my friend's relationship was going to be finished but I handled it and saved it but that friend is now ignoring me and he always faults me and he never give me priority. I just want advice what should i do for my self-improvement?

Thanks

Is shyness your only real issue, because you mentioned problems, meaning more than one. If there is a specific problem listed, I may be able to give advice specificlaly for that issue. I was shy or actually its called social anxiety these days, the version I had but I have it no longer. I can share advice for that if you believe that is what is making your life so hard for you. Let me know by going to my column, by going to 'search advice columnists' on the list on the left. Look for me, dragonflymagic and write to me from there. That's the only way I can see your answer and be able to respond. Now as to self improvement, I found that I also lacked a self confidence and that is also something I have a pre-written message for that too, its easy and fun and I was shocked at the response in people towards me, it worked so well. Aside from those two things, I find it good to read on anything pertaining to how to converse with other people, the do's and don'ts as it is not a skill people come with. We tend to make grave mistakes in what we sometimes say or how we say it that cause others to drop us as friends, or cause problems in a romantic relationship. Lastly, I find any type of volunteering in some kind of service towards humans, especially when you can be of help to others, sometimes others not as well off as you, to be a great character building thing. My husband and I volunteer at a community feeding program set up by a local church. This is like the old fashioned 'soup kitchens' for homeless in the past.Sometimes we are very tired after but we hear from many how much they appreciate the help which we continued to do even when the pandemic started, we were one of the few places the homeless or home owners who werent' working, could go for food and hot meals, it was set up as a pick up and go thing instead of eating indoors. I have heard of volunteers who help Charities at Christmas time to package up gift boxes of food and presents for low income families. Even if low income as ourselves, it is a good way to connect with and see how others struggle and what little things can make their live easier. It gets you thinking about others rather than worrying and focusing on yourself only. Hope this helps you some.

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