(Ask A Question.) (Feedback.) (Discussion Board.) (Make Razhie A Favourite.) (Advicenators.)
Razhie. Advicenators Member Since: June 13, 2005. Answers: 5077. Visitors: 211514.
Favourite Collumnists.
(WittyUsernameHere.) (karenR.) (NinjaNeer.) (rainbowcherrie.) (DangerNerd.)
The Question
Okay. I'm 22/f, he's 28/m. No comments on the age difference, please; it's pretty irrelevant.
So, Joe and I have known each other for years. We dated for awhile last year, but I screwed up and broke it off to get back together with my evil ex. We got back together a couple of months ago, and I'm beyond grateful that he gave me a second chance.
Joe and I are incredibly close; he's my best friend, and I'm his. We're even talking about moving in together, which I've never even considered with a guy before. I'm a very closed-off person in general, I value honesty, and I don't get along well with my own gender.
Therein, though, lies the problem. Most of my close friends are guys I grew up with. Joe says he trusts me, and I believe him. He says the fact that I'm close with these guys makes him feel like he's not providing for me enough emotionally. He thinks when you're in a good relationship, your significant other becomes the one person you go to for emotional and physical fulfillment. The thing is, I really DO turn to Joe for everything. He's the first person I call when I'm upset, or happy, or anything; he completes me in ways I could never have imagined.
I have friends of all genders, ethnicities, sexual orientation, ages - everything. I tried to explain to him that the guys I talk to might as well be girls, because I treat all my friends equally, and in my mind they are all equal, but he disagreed.
Joe said he might feel better if he was involved in all the conversations with them, but that's just not physically possible. I'll chat with them for a couple of minutes on line, and I even show Joe the transcripts, but it's not enough.
I offered to arrange for him to meet them, but he doesn't even want to meet a couple of them, ever. One of them I posed nude for for a photography project, and obviously, Joe doesn't like that. I hate that I did it, and I never would now, and I expressed that to him...but I didn't hide it from him because I want him to know everything about me. He feels that this particular friend is immoral, and that what he asked me to do was degrading and insulting to me.
Anyway, these guy friends are like family to me, just like my few girl friends. I desperately don't want to lose them, or lose myself, but I also desperately don't want to lose Joe...I love him, and we're planning our future together.
I don't know what to do, or how to compromise on this. Is it appropriate for me to have close friends of the opposite sex? Am I wrong for wanting to keep them? Is Joe right in saying he should be the only one I turn to? Could this be because I left him before? Is he right in thinking my friends are immoral?
I'd really appreciate it if everyone, young and old, gay, straight, whatever, could answer. I feel like I don't know how to handle this at all, and I'd appreciate any and all opinions.
Thanks.
The Answer
You have a rather fine line to walk here, because you've made all the reasonable offers you can: You've offered to arrange meetings. You've offered up chat history (more than I would have done frankly). You've offered reassurance and respect.
Some of Joe's intensity might be based on what happened before, but that doesn't really matter. At some point, you can't consent to being continuously punished for it. You both need to move on.
Since you've made every reasonable effort, in mind, it would be time for Joe to make some. That is what compromise is, both people give a little. You need to recognize that right now in this situation you are doing all the giving, all the offering and trying to solve the problems. Joe is being a stonewall. Joe isn't respecting your opinion regarding your friendships. He is harshly judging people you care deeply for. He is refusing every solution you offer. That is not respectful of your intelligence or of your emotional needs.
Right now, Joe would rather have this problem, then do the hard work he would need to do to get to a solution. I'm not saying he's a bad, bad guy, he probably isn't, but it's important to recognize when one partner refuses to respect another's wishes, or consent to reasonable compromises, that partner is being a bully. Joe isn't looking for you to compromise with him. He is trying to make you change for him.
That is where I put my foot down, and this is how I'd do it:
I will not be ending friendships based only on your opinions.
I am happy to introduce you to my friends, and include you in group activities.
If you do not wish to met my friends, that is fine but it's also your choice. I will not be ending a friendship I value because of you do not want to met that person.
I don't think my friends are immoral. It's fine if you do, but I don't. That is why they are my friends. You have to trust me to be in control of my own friendships, and end friendships if I do feel someone is immoral.
If you have a Joe has a problem with these very simple, and completely justifiable stances, then he needs to start looking for compromises with you that respect your ability to choose your own friends.
I've got to be totally honest with you, age does have something to do with this. A woman his own age would probably not have let this escalate as far as it has. With a bit more experience you'd be in a better position to recognize Joe's behaviour as being stonewalling and demanding, rather then letting it make you question whether you have a right to choose the people in your own life. You'd be in a better place to let him own his own issues about your friends, and know that once you've made every rational offer to help cool his fears, then it becomes his job to deal with his negativity.
Tell him what you are, and aren't going to change. Start the discussion from a place of your own strength and convictions, instead of from a place where you are questioning yourself and let his judgements guide you. You are a smart young adult. When it comes to your friendships, you are in control and your judgements and opinions are the thing you have to rely on. Trust your boyfriend, listen to your boyfriend, respect his opinions, but don't let them be a rule of law. The law is written by your own beliefs and convictions.
(View All Other Answers.)
The Question
Recently i'm searching a website which is selling brand name clothing, and i just caught a site named www.dayhug.com on google which wholesales juicy,True Religion,abercrombie and so on,they have 24 hours service with phone number and email,accept paypal. How can they sell the items at such low price?! And do any of you have experience of ordering from them? Thanks.
The Answer
ORIGINAL ANSWER:
They can afford it, because they don't actually deliver any product. They just take people's money.
That is a scam site.
How can I be so sure? It's easier than you'd think.
There is no shopping cart. They ask you to e-mail them orders. E-mail is not a secure way to handle a transaction and even very small wholesalers tend to avoid that. The nonsense that a programer steals information from it, is just that: complete nonesense. How come other sites seem to be able to hire reliable, honest programers if this huge wholesaler cannnot? That is clue number one.
They do no allow you to pay with paypal from their site. Setting up a paypal merchant account is really, really simple. They claim they have a paypal account, but they make you e-mail them for details. They just expect you to trust 'em when they say they are a relaible paypal merchant, but they don't provide public proof of it. That is seriously sketchy. There is really only one reason from them to require you to e-mail them to access their paypal account information: they are lying about their track records, even worse they might regularly make new PayPal accounts, to keep ahead of the complaints and reports. That's clue number two.
Finally, they accept money orders. NEVER, EVER buy online from anyone who suggests you send them a money order. Ebay banned Money orders as a payment types years ago because of all the scams and abuse. A money order is a cheque that anyone who has the password can cash. Once you give someone the money order information, they just go and cash it. If you complain to the bank or provider that someone didn't send you what they promised, they will shrug their shoulders and say "But you gave them the Money order password. That's not our fault." Money orders are also virtually untraceable. They are the favourite payment option for scam artists and thieves. And that is the clue that absolutely cinches it.
When something looks too good to be true, it probably is.
THE PEOPLE WHO HAVE RESPONDED TO THIS QUESTION SAYING THEY GOT THIER PRODUCT ARE TROLLS.
www.dayhug.com is owned by a company called Rocky zheng based in Guangzhou China. Wow. Doesn't the name 'Rocky Zheng' sound familiar to you therockzh? Oh! And look, their contact e-mail is thecockzh@yahoo.com.cn... How weird is that? Actually, everything about your answer sounds familar to me, since it's almost exactly, word for fricking word, the lying nonsense I read on dayhug.com.
Good people come here for help and they should not be deliberately misled to website which will steal thier money.
And making a brand new account, maryann13, just to defend some random chinese website against me, who has years of reputation on this site and my simple statements about what any sane person will realize is NOT an okay way to run a business, is weak and laughable. Jealous? Seriously. That's the best defence you have? What seems more likely? That some random chick is jealous of a chinese website, or that a person who has spent years on an advice site might give half decent advice?
Did you know this is now the third link that comes up when I google 'dayhug.com'. You should have quit while you were ahead moron.
(View All Other Answers.)
The Question
For anyone that has had any experience with "The Secret" or Aka The Law of Attraction, what have been your experiences with it and what is your opinion of it? Do you guys think it works?
The Answer
It doesn't work. It's nothing but a scam to sell books and other products.
The Law Of Attraction is NOT a Law like the Law Of Gravity. Positive thinking has a positive effect, but it's not a law.
The law of gravity can be tested and it ALWAYS works. When it works differently, we can explain why and the law still holds true. Having a positive attitude, being confident, believing you can succeed are all very good and you should do those things, but it doesn't send out magical beams from your brain that actually change reality around you. What they call the brains 'magnetic signature' and all that nonsense, exists only inside your skull. It doesn't get sent out. Scientists have tested this repeatedly, it's not happening, but every scam artist these days knows they have to throw some sort of 'science' into the mix to make you believe it.
The Secret says that the only reason you don't have what you want is because you are blocking it from coming to you with your thoughts. Which the prefect sales pitch, because whenever it doesn't work the Secret just wags it's finger at you and tells you that you must be 'thought blocking', because the Secret ALWAYS works.
Scientology uses the exact same sales pitch: Our system is perfect, if it's not working perfectly for you, you must be doing it wrong.
Try telling the 3 billion people on this planet who live on less than a dollar a day that the reason their children are starving to death is because they are blocking food, medicine and clean water with their thoughts. Try telling the man dying of cancer, that the reason he is dying is simply because he BELIEVES he is dying. Or better yet, watch the completely crazy man who believes he is the president. No matter how much he believes it, and acts like it, aint nobody gonna make him the president.
It's true that sometimes acting a certain way will get you treated that way by others, but that isn't a LAW. Think about this: If the LAW of attraction was ALWAYS true, then every woman who got raped would have been asking for it and welcoming it in her thoughts in some way. That is the logic that holds if attraction is truly a LAW that ALWAYS works.
And Quantum theory has nothing to do with you visualizing romance or a bigger paycheck. Nothing at all.
The Secret is no more effective then a rabbits foot or four leaf clover: It's just good-luck superstition with some false science thrown in.
The Secret is based on simple, old fashioned ideas: Be confident. Visualize success. Believe in yourself and don't let your own thoughts turn against you. But then it takes them way, way too far and turns them into something ridiculous. You can do all that, and get all the supposed benefits of 'the secret' without giving those scam artists your money and being lied too about supernatural effects of brain waves and 'thoughts become things'.
(View All Other Answers.)
The Question
Me and my wife have been together 3 years. We have an adorable 8 month old son. We love each other and care about each other. But we fight badly, and up until recently it had never gotten physical. I have never hit her or done anything physical back, until today. We were arguing a little and I was holding my son while she was getting ready for church. The fight kept escalating until she came up and hit me twice in my left ear(have ear infection there) I was infuriated. I set the baby down and walked over to her and threw a glass into the wall. She said keep it up. So I snatched her makeup case and threw it into the wall. She then attacked me. And I held her down. She wants out, I don't
The Answer
Once one partner truly wants out, that is generally what happens. If you want to keep trying, and she doesn't, there is no middle ground to reach, she just gets out.
Get some counselling. If she wont go with you, go alone. Whatever horrible, awful, terrible things she might do, you have also behaved very badly, and without help, it's very likely you'll just go on behaving badly. Your anger will effect your son, and any relationship you hope to have in the future (even one with your wife).
Talk to a counselor. Your own judgement and approach to your martial problems clearly sucks the big one. Lean on someone else's judgement for a while.
(View All Other Answers.)
The Question
i slouch a lot, leaving two lines on my stomach. since its almost bathing suit weather, i don't want these stupid lines there anymore.
(picture --> http://tinypic.com/r/301n3ti/5 , they're a LOT more noticeable in person lol)
so i was wondering if there's any lotion or anything that can make these less noticeable? im trying to stop slouching, but until then....? haha thanks.
The Answer
Don't slouch, and pick up some core exercises.
I'm not saying you are overweight, you aren't. But unless you have very, very (almost unhealthy small amount) of body fat, those marks are really normal. We all get them. If you seriously work your core you can minimize them a bit more, but in the end, that's just human bodies (especially more pale-skinned bodies).
(View All Other Answers.)
The Question
OK so I have a situation here. I have 2 friends. One used to be really nice and used to treat me and another friend equally, but now she seems to only like the other person and not me. She almost got me in serious trouble once,she dosen't hang out with me any more and it's irritating! I Want to have them both be my frinds again but I dont know what to say! I really dont know what I'm going to do when the weekend is over, so I would appreciate any help. Thank You!
The Answer
People don't get stolen, they leave.
(Unless they get kidnapped or something of course.)
Your friend changed her behaviour. She choose to change the way she treats you. It's not the other persons fault.
Talk to your friend who has changed. Ask her why. Don't blame her or accuse her. Just ask why and tell how much you miss the friendship you had before.
(View All Other Answers.)
The Question
soooo last night i gave my first blow job. haha. he starting moaning and saying oh my god. so i'm guessing i did alright? then he kept wanting to do 69 but i told him not this time. is 69 as akward as it seems? lol. oh & another thing. why don't alot of guys shave? i think it's so nasty. i usually try to ignore it but i can't it just makes it not as enjoyable.
The Answer
My opinion on 69: Yeah, it is awkward, and rarely much fun. But that is just my opinion. It's worth giving things a fair shot before forming your own.
Many guys in my experience, as they get older, learn that keeping their pubic hair at least trimmed makes their female partners happier. The way they learn this, is that some confident and sassy chick says "Hey dude, I like going down on you, but that's a mess. Trim it down a bit." It's a lot more socially expected for a girl to trim her pubic hair, so it just takes a little bit longer for guys to be told, and too recognize that was is courteous when a woman does it, and courteous when a guy does it.
If you've got a regular partner whose hair gets in your way, let him know there is something you'd like to try: Going down on him with the hair a bit shorter.
(View All Other Answers.)
The Question
i am a 29 year old woman,divorced and with 2 children.i've lived with my mom and stepdad for about 3 years now.i was excited last year because i was getting ready to move out and get my own place.well a few days later they both just up and quit their jobs.well need to say their not looking and i'm paying everything.i'm bout broke and my truck just tore up and its gonna be bout 1000.00 to fix it.that will completley break me and i;m at my wits end here. any advice
The Answer
Find a way to move out.
It's not all right for your parents to have stopped contributing (baring some sort of medical emergency or issues that made them unable too) and for you to find yourself supporting them as well as your children when you aren't able too.
Sometimes, to achieve real change, we have to be willing to make ourselves very uncomfortable. It might be time to start exploring some extreme options, a family-friendly shelter for instance, so that you will be able to retrench and work towards a future where you children get what they need.
Your parents might have supported you before, and that was very kind of them, if they were able and willing too. It doesn't mean that you are able or willing to support them. The children must be the priority. If you can't change your parents actions, you must find a way to change your own and carve out a path to finical independence.
(View All Other Answers.)
The Question
Hey! I have this really weird problem. Okay well there's this guy that sits at my lunch table with me and my friends and nobody really likes him but were nice to him because we really don't want to hurt his feelings. Well he knows the subdivision that I live in so he found my house last night and came over. Since then he's been ringing the doorbell non-stop and wont leave me alone. I already came out once to talk to him but I've been having my sister answer the door for the past 5 times he's comes over. I feel like he's stalking me because he's been giving me his phone number, address, and wont stop coming over when I'm 'gone'. I just want him to leave me alone, but I don't have the heart to tell him 'to go away'. I'm a nice person and I don't want to hurt his feelings, but I'm really scared! If I tell my dad what he's doing then somehow my dad will blame it all on ME! Do you know a way to make him stop coming over without being mean? Please help!
The Answer
No. You need to be mean.
What he is doing doesn't require a nice response. It needs a firm, clear, mean, response.
"You are not welcome at my home. I didn't give you my address. Go away now. You are upsetting me. Leave now and don't come back."
Get the heart to tell this guy the truth. You aren't doing yourself, or him, any favours by being a pussy about it. What he is doing is not okay and you need to tell him that. Find your inner bitch, and let her out.
EDIT IN RESPONSE TO FEEDBACK
I'm very sorry you were hurt. You are right, I should have at least made a mention of getting the police involved due to the trespassing. I'm glad you all right and back on Advicenators.
I have, in fact, been stalked and struck by a boy before. Releasing my inner bitch was the exact thing that got me out of the situation when calling security, and the cops, didn't seem to stop the behaviour.
Please do get some counselling for what you've gone through, so you can decrease the negative effect of your experience on the rest of your life.
(View All Other Answers.)
The Question
My great grandmother had in her posessions a wire tree... It is small copper wires twisted to form a trunk and at the top there are hundreds of metallic gold leaves that make up the foilage. I am looking for more info on these trees! I am 26 and have only seen three in my lifetime. I once heard that they were popular decor in the 70s. My own grandmother seemed to think that they were called "money trees", but I can't find info on them. Anyone else out there know of what to call them or what the trend was about? Anything would be appreciated!
The Answer
I know these best as Gem Trees. So, try googling that.
I actually used to make these in the 80s. They were always fun but took a long while. There are plenty of instructions online for how to build your own, and although I imagine they are hard to find in shops, there are tons of them for sale online. You could try a crafts website like etsy.com I gave that site a quick look and found some smallers ones right away (like this one:http://www.etsy.com/listing/16229722/garnet-gem-tree and this one: http://www.etsy.com/listing/44472306/fall-tree-cake-topper-or-home-decor-xlg)
(View All Other Answers.)
The Question
I'm in love with someone I dated in high school, and have been for years now. I think I married the wrong woman and I don't know how to tell my wife or whether to tell her at all. Telling a spouse you don't love them romantically anymore is one of the harshest and most damaging things you can do on an emotional level but I'm starting to wonder whether I'll ever be happy again. I'm struggling over whether it's better to live in pain forever or cause that same pain in someone else.
I'm 25 and male, we have no kids.
The Answer
Get the fuck out now, before the pain this will cause runs even deeper.
If you had children or decades of marriage together, I would advise therapy, exploration, that love sometimes takes work, and that fantasies of past loves are natural, but irrational and unattainable.
However. You have no kids. You are hardly old enough to be married in the first place. And most importantly: You have already made your mind up. You have already decided you don't love her, and wont again. You've already decided that you are going to be miserable. Once you have come to those conclusions, there is no going back. You have already decided there is nothing left to save. All you are doing now is waiting for the strength to end it. You are trying to talk yourself into ending it, and now you'd like our help.
Fine. Here's mine: End it now. Every day you live a lie is one more day of misery for both of you. The day you admit your decisions and desires, is the first day that puts you both back on paths to possible happiness.
(View All Other Answers.)
The Question
I have some questions that I could never figure out. And I was wondering if any of you had any good explanations: Why is it that when someone doesn't agree with homosexuality, they are labeled as a "homophobic"? Phobic is like "phobia." And phobia means "fear." So just because you don't like it, it automatically makes you scared of it? And why is it okay to make a "gay only" school or some kind of organization, but if there was a "straight only" school..it would be unfair?
Also, why is it that some people believe that abortion is alright when the baby is inside your womb, but when the second it is out..it's murder? People will say that the baby isn't born yet. But that shouldnt matter, because it's still a living human being. Just because it's not fully developed, doesnt make it's non-existant?
I guess I just wanted a better understanding about these two topics. Thank you for your time.
The Answer
Homophobic. Let me answer your question with an example of another word: anti-semitic. People understand it as meaning anti-jewish, but semitic is actually a word that refers to all semitic people, including all the first members of Christianity and Islam. If you are a Christian you are also following a semitic religion.
The word semitic had it's meaning changed and it entered common use as something other then what it originally meant. The same thing happened to homophobic. You are right about breaking the word down into it's parts, and that is an important thing to know, but you also need to understand that that is basically how we get ALL words. They start off meaning one thing, and through the way people use them, they begin to mean other things.
Regardless of what it is called, the law, and most people who study it that I've read, would agree with this definition of an intolerance or prejudice: If you believe that a quality which a person cannot control is a primary determinant of their value or believe them to be less moral, less dignified or deserving of less under the law than another group, that's a discrimination.
To answer your question about schools. I'll ask you this questions:
Why does the government provide Medicare for people over a certain age? Or even things like food stamps? Why are there special schools for the deef?
The short answer is because they need those services to stay alive and to have any chance at being productive in society. People might disagree about how *much* you should provide people with state assistance, but everybody knows that if you take it away ENTIRELY it actually ends up costing everybody way more in crime and in damages to all aspects of public life.
So why are there organizations for particular groups? (I have to say, I have never heard of a state sponsored school for homosexuals, only non-for-profit programs... but maybe you've heard of something I haven't.)
Because the cost, in suicides, in violence, in policing, in poverty, in jail time and the cost of loosing all of those young people as possible productive (tax paying!) members of society to discrimination that makes them less likely to participate in society and to physical harm, is more expensive and damaging to society. They get it, because they can demonstrate a need, and that it is something that can help them create value in their communities in ways they wouldn't be able too otherwise.
It's not a perfect argument, and of course we can always argue about how *much* support a group should get. However, it is silly not to recognize that some groups will make a phenomenally greater positive impact on society if their needs are met.
Would you have the same problem with a school for the blind?
As for abortion... I think you really need to research the pro-choice position before you question it. Almost no pro-choice groups support abortion right up till the moment of birth. Most of them, support unfettered access between the 1 to 20 week mark, and limited access to abortion later then that in cases where a mothers life is at risk.
I believe, when you look at the development inside the womb, it is fair to say there is a time early on where it is not a human being yet, only a mass of cells with the potential to become human. Now, some people wouldn't want to abort even then, but I don't believe we should restrict women who would choose too abort on at that time because of the beliefs of other people. I, like most pro-choicers, believe there should be a line after which abortion is no longer an option. It is simply a matter of listening to doctors and scientists and choosing the best rules that respect both the woman's choice and beliefs and the point at which a fetus becomes a viable human being. It is not that the fetus doesn't exist, it's that is doesn't always exist as a human being. Water always exists, but only under certain conditions does it exist as ice.
Obviously these are really dense topics and people feel very differently about them. I would agree that homophobic isn't a very accurate word to describe people who discriminate against homosexuals, but it is the common and understood word. I don't believe in segregated schools for homosexuals and I certainly don't think abortion should be a legal procedure right up until delivery! Not by a long shot.
(View All Other Answers.)
The Question
20/F
I've been with my boyfriend for almost two years. We have two very close friends who have been dating for a while. We go to parties at their house fairly often. When I get drunk, I'm very open, and I have showed my boobs a few times (I know it's bad). The thing is, I do these things because I was raped, and in a weird way it makes me feel like I have control again. It's hard to understand unless you've been through the same thing.
Anyway, my boyfriend was cool with that, but lately my male friend has been asking to see them A LOT. Him and his girlfriend are in a very open relationship, so she doesn't care. Lately, though, he'll walk up without asking in the middle of a room full of people at the party and pull my shirt and bra down. He always pulls me on his lap and says that if I wasn't with my boyfriend, him and his girl would have been all over me and that if me and my boyfriend break up I better come to them first. I know this is all my fault because I laugh when I'm nervous and I have a problem saying no, but it's starting to bother both me and my boyfriend. The last time we were at a party, I was so drunk I could barely walk and I was walking to the couch and he grabbed me, pushed my head down, and acted like he was having sex with me. I would try to talk to him about this, but he's a big guy, very short tempered, and has a house full of guns and weapons. The last time a girl told him she wasn't okay with the way he acts, he got really upset, so I'm really afraid to say anything. The thing is, he knows I was raped, so I don't understand why he acts like this sometimes.
I know it's my fault, you don't have to tell me that, but is there any way I can ask him to stop without him getting mad? He takes everything to heart, and if I said I'm uncomfortable with it, it would be pretty bad.
The Answer
His behaviour is wrong, and not your fault. However, you also must stop drinking to excess in the company of people you cannot trust, and people you fear, and putting yourself in situations where you can so easily be compromised.
As you've mentioned here, talking to him might not be successful. I don't think there is really any trick to do this if he knows your experiences. You simply have to be honest. So, what do you if that doesn't work?
You might have to be willing to give up your normal course of action. That might mean partying less, drinking less or both.
You know that your behaviour comes from a wounded and unhappy place. You would probably be best off to curb it anyways, regardless of his behaviour. Control is good. Intoxicated nudity is false feeling of control. Drinking less would keep you stable enough to express your unhappiness in the moment (saving him from the 'But she really likes it' excuse) and might keep you out of the situation entirely.
You might also try to get his girlfriend to be your ally in expressing your concerns to him.
In the end though, you have to willing to remove yourself from situations, people, and substances that aren't supporting your happiness.
The bottom line is this: You really should NOT be getting excessively drunk in the company of people you are fearful of. That is just a bad idea from the get go. That is the root of the problem, and no matter what else you, if you don't change that, you are likely to continue to face other problems.
(View All Other Answers.)
The Question
my friend sent me a link to a bunch of these grotesque pictures. people stretching their prostates, animals chopped and martyred, people tortured and abused, "two girls one cup" type shit, etc. and my question is this:
what in the world were these people thinking when doing these things? let alone, taking pictures of it and posting it online. i hate to think that this world is turning into something sick like this, but it is, and if anyone can tell me WHY that'd be awesome. i guess i just wanna understand so i don't have to judge anyone. i'm not gonna post the link on here since i know i'll get booted for it. -.-''
The Answer
What was your friend thinking when she sent them to you? I imagine the photographers were thinking much the same thing... “Ew gross… Cool. Someone else has got to see this!”
The world didn't 'come to this'. We are doing the exact same things we always did, just now we have internet! The world was ALWAYS sick like this. Even in ancient cities, people would pay money to gawk at the circus freaks. Thousands of people lined the streets to watch a criminal loose thier head or be hanged. We through people in cages with wild animals and grabbed the popcorn.
People slow down as they pass car accidents, even subconsciously. We make people like Jerry Springer and Judge Judy famous for parading the silliest and ugliest human behaviour in front of us. We crave books and movies that twist our emotions, even in unpleasant ways.
Although you might find these photos especially gross or disgusting, they might not be the way you like to be challenged, or upset, or scared, don't lie to yourself: You sometimes imagine the end of the world, or everyone you love dying. You have movies that make you cry, or squirm or break your heart.
We like to think we are rational. We like to think that we all want to feel good. But the truth is we are also completely irrational, curious, twisted and crave emotions that aren't at all 'pleasant'. Part of having a brain as fantastically large and talented as ours, is being drawn to the grotesque. It's part of being human.
We are smart people. As individuals we can decide what we think is acceptable and we can choose for ourselves. We can learn that some things are not okay at all: like publically lynch people, baiting bears, or training dogs or cocks to fight to death for our pleasure. However, you can’t get rid of those sorts of desires and instincts entirely. Rising above them *might* make us better humans, but they will still be there.
(View All Other Answers.)
The Question
i just got a facebook, and when i visit someones profile..i guess i expected it to be kinda like myspace. like theres no comments or anything. is there such things as comments that everyone can see on facebook? or is it just like messages or waht
The Answer
Like other people said, facebook has 'wall posts' that are pretty much the same thing as comments.
If you can't see the posts on a person's wall, it's most likely 'cause you aren't thier friend yet. Most people hide thier walls from people they haven't added as friends.
(View All Other Answers.)
The Question
I've been in a long distance relationship for 9 months. We're recently broken up, and I showed my boyfriend fake pictures, and only JUST showed him my actual self a few days ago. I was terrified to tell him, but he actually took it MUCH better than I thought he would. He was a little upset at what I did, but said he still loved me, and if I 'work with him a little bit' by showing him more pics of my real self & maybe getting a webcam, then we could get back together.
We both have strong feelings for eachother, & I (stupidly) ended the relationship because I knew I could never meet him since I sent fake pics. But now, he knows what I really look like, and accepted me, so a relationship is possible again.
This is my only problem. I've only showed him shoulders up pics of me. I'm not fat..but curvy. He's a tall, lanky guy, VERY skinny, he only weighs 120 lbs! But, I weigh more than that, & I'm scared to show him pics of my whole body. He's been asking for 'bikini'/full body pics & for me to get a webcam, but I honestly don't have any bikini pics, because I hate my body. I think it's too curvy, and it's my #1 insecurity.
Anyway, I do love him, & I realize if he can get over me faking pics, & he does like my face..then can my body really be a cause for him to stop loving me? I'm just scared he'll be unattracted to me, and won't want to tell me because he's too nice.
Basically what I'm asking is: 1. How should I go about showing him pics of my full body? Just send him a bunch then say I have to leave quickly? (I don't want to be there when he sees them, hahah) 2. Should I get a webcam if he accepts the pics the way they are? It's not really like I'd be showing my body on there anyway, he'd really only see my face. Thank you.
The Answer
If you don't send photos, your relationship will likely end rather shortly.
If you do, your relationship has a potential to continue.
If you want this relationship to continue, you're just going to have to take that risk, suck it up, and let him see some more of you
Frankly, in your position I'd invest in the web camera option rather than just sending photos. Photos often look posed. Most people are prettiest and most endearing when they are moving. But don't kid yourself, if you get a webcam he is going to get a very good idea of your build and shape even if you don't show him, and you probably will show him, because he'll ask.
(View All Other Answers.)
The Question
nice way of letting someone know you're not interested in them? besides saying that they're like a brother
The Answer
"I'm not interested in you."
Clarity is nice. Most people think they should be delicate, and that is pretty much just plain wrong in 99% of cases. The kindest thing you can do is make sure your position is clear, so there is no false hope or begging and desperate trying to win you over afterwards. That is just embaressing and unpleasant for everyone, and it can kill friendships.
Honestly is nice. Honesty is the only chance you and he have at becoming friends. Be completely honest. If the answer is "No. Never. Don't see you like that at all." say that. You owe him the truth.
(View All Other Answers.)
The Question
15/f
My friend and I are 15. She's beautiful and desperate for a boyfriend (even though she refuses that shes desperate). She is planning to lose her virginity to a guy we know soon. They aren't going out and haven't known each other for more than a year. I've told her the first time should be special and that she should be in love first. She's nervous and I know she'll regret it. What can I tell her to make her change her mind? Thanks.
The Answer
So what if you are right?
You can be right, and still be a good and respectful friend. But right now, you sound very judgement and unkind.
Look, state your opinion with love and support. Tell your friend you worry about her. Tell her you think she'd be safer and happier if she waited for a committed relationship. Say everything you need to say, and then just be her damn friend.
Listen to her. Believe what she says to you. Respect her opinion and right to choose, even if you don't agree with her opinion or her choice.
You seem to be demanding she have the exact same values as you, and that will never get you very far with anyone. You can't tell her 'it should be special' and you shouldn't tell her 'you'll regret it'. My first time wasn't with someone 'special' and no, I don't regret it. I wanted it over with, I got it over with. We were safe and it was all okay. There are perfectly sane and lovely people out there who view sex differently then you might. Those things might very true for you (they might even be true for her) but give her some respect, and listen to what she says she wants.
Be a good friend by telling her your opinions and concerns, and then taking a deep breath and listening to her. You might be absolutely right about everything, but if you are still her friend, listen to her, believe what she says and support her as best you can, even when you believe she might be making a mistake.
(View All Other Answers.)
The Question
My brother is always going to my mom's room, I don't know why. Maybe because his door in his room doens't have a lock. But yeah he always locks it and of course people always have to come into the room so we tell him to open up the door and he's so rude and irritated and give us attitude because he's annoyed that HE has to open/unlock the door!
I don't what's his big deal but my mom had enough and they were fighting and he said that he wants to watch TV in peace and he can just go downstairs because everyone's always upstairs but yeah I can't even go on to describe not only my own, but others' frustrations as well! And he's not even convinced that it's not HIS room and I can't beleive that he would talk to Mom like that! Do you have any ideas maybe? Anything would be helpful because I want to smack him SO HARD in the face right now...if i could get to the other side of the door!
The Answer
I'd remove the lock from the door if I were your mom. Or, invest in a key lock so only she can lock it.
Sure, he gets a polite knock before someone enters, but locking people out of another persons bedroom is not okay.
Frankly, if I had a teenager at home, locks wouldn't be allowed at all.
Unfortunately, this is really your mothers problem to handle.
If she can't turn to him and say "You may close the door, and people will knock, you may NOT lock the door." or remove the lock all together, or demand he be civil to others when he takes advantage of the television in her bedroom, there is nothing much you can do.
(View All Other Answers.)
The Question
This girl and I used to talk and we did for awhile but she decided she just wanted to be friends. We're pretty much best friends and she tells me she trust me with everything (I still like her a lot) but if something is wrong she won't tell me what's bothering her anymore, it kind of hurts. We don't talk a lot either or as much as we used to. She periodically complains about how close we used to be and how its not like that but she doesn't really do anything to change that when I'm trying my absolute hardest. Like I said I still have feelings for her but she only sees me as a friend now but I'm starting to get confused now, its as if she doesn't want anything to do with me. We'll talk in the morning and a little at night and that's it, she'll just stop texting me all of a sudden for some reason. Its just weird...
The Answer
It's not wierd, it's prefectly sensible of her to scale back her communication with you.
If she said she doesn't like you like that, but you still like her like that... well that can be really uncomfortable for someone.
Stop 'trying your absolute hardest'. That is probably exactly what is putting her off. You are treating her as more then just a friend, and she's trying to push you away for it.
Ask her straight up what is wrong, and ask her how much contact she'd like, or what she'd like to do. But above everything else, respect her choice not to be as close as you once were and try to move on. Your infatuation with her could kill your friendship if you aren't careful.
(View All Other Answers.)