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Please help, fights getting worst
Me and my wife have been together 3 years. We have an adorable 8 month old son. We love each other and care about each other. But we fight badly, and up until recently it had never gotten physical. I have never hit her or done anything physical back, until today. We were arguing a little and I was holding my son while she was getting ready for church. The fight kept escalating until she came up and hit me twice in my left ear(have ear infection there) I was infuriated. I set the baby down and walked over to her and threw a glass into the wall. She said keep it up. So I snatched her makeup case and threw it into the wall. She then attacked me. And I held her down. She wants out, I don't
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This is not OK, and it is never OK for either one of you to resort to physical violence. But I need a lot more information in order to help you. I think any of the advisors here would like more info also. What are the fights about? What were they about before, when the marriage first started, and what are they about now. It is the same subject matter. It is the same things over and over again. Any more details you can give would be helpful.
And don't think that the baby is too young to realize what is going on. They can tell. And since having the baby didn't stop the arguments, then I guess that we can expect that that child is going to grow up in an abusive home? That is not good.
Please write more info if you want some constructive answers.
Michele
ADDENDUM
OK, something still sounds odd here. Something is going on. Normally people can get upset about being late, but how long does that last, five minutes?!?!? Then they get over it, it shouldn't escalate into physical fights. When you love and respect someone, you should never say or do anything in a fit of rage, because it cannot be taken back. It hurts. And you are hurt, I completely understand.
Something else is going on here.
Since you are the one that is writing, and you are the one that is interested in staying together and you certainly seem smart and reasonable.
I think it is time to play detective. No I don't mean fall her around to see if she is cheating on you. I mean use your intuition. Think about the way she behaved all these years. Did little things like this get her upset? What made her the most upset? Do they compare with the way she is acting now. I mean you need to determine if this is something outside, or something inside like depression. Maybe someone is bothering her at work. Maybe she had too much pressure on her at work or home or with the baby.
I hope the birthday surprise puts her is a better mood and makes her realize how much you care.
But most of all, when things are good between you, you need to talk to her in a kind way, and tell her how much these things hurt you, BUT you must validate her feelings, or you'll put her on the defensive. Acknowledge her anger and say something like, " I know you wouldn't get that angry over this", or "you wouldn't say something like that to hurt me, unless you were real upset about something. and I want you to know that whatever it is, you can talk to me about it. I want to be there for you. And I will do my best to help."
Then maybe you'll find out that it is just something easily fixed, like more time for herself.
I hope this helps.
good luck to you.
Michele
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Once one partner truly wants out, that is generally what happens. If you want to keep trying, and she doesn't, there is no middle ground to reach, she just gets out.
Get some counselling. If she wont go with you, go alone. Whatever horrible, awful, terrible things she might do, you have also behaved very badly, and without help, it's very likely you'll just go on behaving badly. Your anger will effect your son, and any relationship you hope to have in the future (even one with your wife).
Talk to a counselor. Your own judgement and approach to your martial problems clearly sucks the big one. Lean on someone else's judgement for a while.
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