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Friend doesn't respect my boundaries
20/F
I've been with my boyfriend for almost two years. We have two very close friends who have been dating for a while. We go to parties at their house fairly often. When I get drunk, I'm very open, and I have showed my boobs a few times (I know it's bad). The thing is, I do these things because I was raped, and in a weird way it makes me feel like I have control again. It's hard to understand unless you've been through the same thing.
Anyway, my boyfriend was cool with that, but lately my male friend has been asking to see them A LOT. Him and his girlfriend are in a very open relationship, so she doesn't care. Lately, though, he'll walk up without asking in the middle of a room full of people at the party and pull my shirt and bra down. He always pulls me on his lap and says that if I wasn't with my boyfriend, him and his girl would have been all over me and that if me and my boyfriend break up I better come to them first. I know this is all my fault because I laugh when I'm nervous and I have a problem saying no, but it's starting to bother both me and my boyfriend. The last time we were at a party, I was so drunk I could barely walk and I was walking to the couch and he grabbed me, pushed my head down, and acted like he was having sex with me. I would try to talk to him about this, but he's a big guy, very short tempered, and has a house full of guns and weapons. The last time a girl told him she wasn't okay with the way he acts, he got really upset, so I'm really afraid to say anything. The thing is, he knows I was raped, so I don't understand why he acts like this sometimes.
I know it's my fault, you don't have to tell me that, but is there any way I can ask him to stop without him getting mad? He takes everything to heart, and if I said I'm uncomfortable with it, it would be pretty bad.
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Oi Christ.
IT IS NOT YOUR FAULT. I'm a student of psychology. A girl I dated was raped and went through the same thing, a close friend of mine was sexually abused and has similar issues, and I've volunteered with rape counselors. Bar none the most common reaction to sexual problems in rape victims is a conviction that whatever is going wrong is their fault.
IT IS NOT YOUR FAULT. Your "friend" is a douchebag and has no idea what he's doing, or worse knows full well and doesn't care. He's exploiting you for his own enjoyment, and because of the shit in your past you're not equipped to deal with it.
THIS IS NOT YOUR FAULT.
Talk to your boyfriend. This is his territory. If someone did to my wife what is happening to you, I'd be absolutely livid. It's his job to be the wall between you and a guy you don't want or need touching you anymore. You have no need to tolerate this, and if the guy can't handle his shit like an adult you should both walk away and stop spending your time around him.
You know what, I read that last line, and I really think you need to be done with this guy. He has "no problem hitting a girl"?
Get away from him. He's an asshole who needs to be dealt with, but that isn't something you need to put yourself through. Stop going over there, stop getting drunk in his presence, and find new friends who won't exploit you.
This is not you fault, but it IS within your power to fix. Fix it. Remove yourself from the situation.
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a male perspective: i am answering because I am concerned at the amount and intensity of hatred against males in the advice you have been given.
You have described unacceptable behavior with respect to personal boundaries, no question. That is not, however, the point, nor the source of the problem, which is:
When people get drunk, they do stupid things!
You admitted to stupid behavior, you described stupid behavior by your friend, and i would bet that all four of you and others have done stupid things when you are all drunk. So instead of setting the stage for chaos to enter your life:
STOP GETTING DRUNK!
Get some counseling as others have suggested, for rape survivors, alcoholics, whatever you feel you need. If you do not stop this drinking pattern, it is very likely that you will end up in some sort of bad situation that will have permanent and far-reaching consequences. It is like playing with matches in a room filled with dynamite; eventually something is going to go boom! For your own sake, please put the matches away.
Good luck.
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Hello.
Listen to me. "Don't Ever EVER blame yourself."
I don't care if you showed breasts once. That does NOT give you him the right to touch you. Ever.
I don't know what you went through when you were raped, But I think the only way to get control is to STOP going over there. I know you want to stay in control but getting drunk is like the exact opposite. The ONLY way to stay in control is don't go over there. This guy sounds dangerous and explosive. A very bad combination. He knows your history and still doesn't mind taking advantage of you. He's trouble. No there is no way you can ask a volatile creep to stop sexually assaulting you. For your own safety stay far far away from him.
Also I think maybe you should see a counselor about your issues. Research counselors in your area. Some of them may be free.You can also join a support group in your area. Or you can call a hotline where you can discuss it with someone. It sounds to me like you have a lot of residual issues over what happened. Sometimes talking to someone about your issues with control can help.
Here are some links.
[Link](Mouse over link to see full location)
[Link](Mouse over link to see full location)
Here you can talk to people and there is a search bar to find counseling centers in you area.
I just read the additional info you wrote about him being okay hitting a girl. I reiterate, he's a MONSTER! DON'T LET HIM NEAR YOU.
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His behaviour is wrong, and not your fault. However, you also must stop drinking to excess in the company of people you cannot trust, and people you fear, and putting yourself in situations where you can so easily be compromised.
As you've mentioned here, talking to him might not be successful. I don't think there is really any trick to do this if he knows your experiences. You simply have to be honest. So, what do you if that doesn't work?
You might have to be willing to give up your normal course of action. That might mean partying less, drinking less or both.
You know that your behaviour comes from a wounded and unhappy place. You would probably be best off to curb it anyways, regardless of his behaviour. Control is good. Intoxicated nudity is false feeling of control. Drinking less would keep you stable enough to express your unhappiness in the moment (saving him from the 'But she really likes it' excuse) and might keep you out of the situation entirely.
You might also try to get his girlfriend to be your ally in expressing your concerns to him.
In the end though, you have to willing to remove yourself from situations, people, and substances that aren't supporting your happiness.
The bottom line is this: You really should NOT be getting excessively drunk in the company of people you are fearful of. That is just a bad idea from the get go. That is the root of the problem, and no matter what else you, if you don't change that, you are likely to continue to face other problems.
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well then you should talk to the police if it gets that bad because he needs to learn he cant do this to girls its wrong and this way he will learn the only way to change a person is to give them a life lesson and his would be getting involved with the law if he stops thats great and if he threatens to hurt you in anyway then tell the cops its the only way to get out of this.
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