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Razhie. Advicenators Member Since: June 13, 2005. Answers: 5077. Visitors: 211514.
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The Question
If a Baptist woman married into a catholic family and started attending catholic church, would it be wrong for her to be offended by some of their catholic beliefs that she doesn't agree with? Would it be wrong for her to be irritated by them trying to push her beliefs on her like she's supposed to live her life their way even though she knew they were like that before she got married?
What if the woman and her husband were married near her home town even though it's ten hours away from where she and he live now. The wedding was in a Methodist church (because it was the prettiest in town) and her former Baptist preacher officiated. Everyone in the groom's family was on board except his grandmother. She is set in her ways and told his parents that they weren't really married because a catholic priest didn't marry them. What does that even mean? That marriage is only a catholic thing? That's BS! I would never tell an atheist that they weren't really married because marriage is only a Christian thing. It's irritating that she would say something like that and have that, "My way is the ONLY way" attitude.
Then the man and woman have a son the same year that the man's brother has a baby with his wife. They're the two newest of the grandmother's numerous great grandchildren, but they're the only ones that she won't acknowledge because they're not baptized. The woman just doesn't believe in baptizing babies because they don't know what it means to be baptized. They don't understand sin, they don't know who Jesus is or what he did for us, so baptism is meaningless to them. The Bible says that you're supposed to be baptized when you do understand sin, turn from it, and accept Jesus as your personal savior. It has to be YOUR decision, not your parents, so why does this crazy granny think that if the babies were baptized and God forbid, something happened to them, being baptized is the only way they could get to Heaven.
Different people believe different things and I believe that ALL babies go to Heaven. No matter what anyone says, I will always believe this and I find it offensive that some people who don't believe that can say the most insensitive and downright heartless things about deceased infants. If you don't believe that babies go to Heaven, then fine. You have the right believe whatever you want, but please don't say insensitive s--- out loud and then act like you don't know what you said that's so upsetting. If someone (like the particular woman in this story) says something about her baby in Heaven, referring to her miscarried baby, don't tell her that the miscarried baby isn't in Heaven, but rather in a landfill somewhere and expect her NOT to get pissed off.
I know of other people that have lost babies as well. My aunt had a miscarriage, my godmother lost a baby the day he was born, two of my friends had a triplet brother who died at birth. I find it annoying that people like this grandmother believe that because these babies that I care about so much aren't in Heaven because their parents didn't get them baptized. But whatever, they DO have the right to believe that as I said so myself. What offends me is that they tell people those beliefs in a very insensitive way including the parents of such babies.
Now granny has given the parents of both of her new great grandchildren an ultimatum. They can either get the babies baptized or she will not come to town for thanksgiving. The parents don't want to betray their beliefs by baptizing their children before the children are old enough to understand what they're doing and to make the decision to do it themselves. However, thanksgiving isn't the only part of her ultimatum really. She will not acknowledge the kids as her great grandchildren until they are baptized. Now that's really over the top. I know her beliefs are important to her and as a fellow Christian, I can understand that her relationship with God is more important than anything. But I would not refuse to acknowledge a relative with different beliefs than mine and I don't think Jesus would want me to. I mean, we ARE supposed to love each other, right?
This writing was really a lot longer than I meant for it to be and I'm sorry, but I needed to vent. My question is this. Is it wrong if none of the parents of the new babies care if the grandmother comes for thanksgiving? Is it REALLY wrong if they don't want her for thanksgiving because of her hurtfulness even if it means she'll probably be alone for thanksgiving? How would you handle this?
The Answer
Tell her she is welcome to come and be a part of her grandchildren's lives.
Really. That's the thing here: You should make her welcome to be a part of their lives. That doesn't mean living by her rules, it simply means welcoming her into the celebration if she chooses to come. If she doesn't want to come because her faith demands she not - that is very sad, but not a problem you can solve for her.
Let her know she's welcome, but if she feels she can't enjoy the company of her family because they don't believe the same things as she does, then you understand why she feels the need to stay home.
Simply show her the respect she isn't showing you. Either she'll show up or she wont. If she doesn't, it's really only her loss.
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The Question
Im 25 and my boyfriend is 24.
We've been dating for a couple months now and things have been great except one issue - his ex girlfriend. She will not stop texting/calling him even after he has told her that he's moved on. I was uncomfortable with him still speaking with her and he told me he understood and would take care of it.
Well last night his phone was on my night stand and I see his phone lighting up when he was in the bathroom. I peeked over and there was a text from his dad, and a missed call and text from his ex. His ex texts him dumb questions its like she just finds a reason to text him. But I didn't say anything when he came back in the room about her texting him. I just said you're phone was blowing up. He looked at it and I just said jeeze who was blowing up your phone and he said my dad. I said your dad must have something important to tell you if he's sending you so many messages (messing around) he just laughed and said yeah my dad sends me stupid stuff.
He never once mentioned that his ex tried contacting him. This really upset me it's like hes trying to hide it from me. I was sick to my stomach all night about it. I don't know how to bring this up to him without him knowing that I was peeking at his phone seeing who texted him. I even gave him a chance to tell me too.
About a week ago his ex came up in a convo and I simply said whens the last time she's tried contacting you? He said today actually she asked if my neighbor had any football tickets for sale. He said he simply replied no. So that time he actually told me when she texted him.
I don't know if he didn't tell me she texted him last night because he didn't want me to get upset or what but it's still not ok that he blatantly lied to my face. How can I bring this up?
The Answer
Before you talk to him, ask yourself what do you expect him to do to 'take care of it' exactly?
Do you expect him to block her completely?
Did you expect him to upset you and face your anger every single time he reports to you that she tried to make contact in any way? Because you both knew at this point that she would keep trying no matter what he said. Was that really what you wanted him to do?
Lying isn't cool, but you also had a part in setting this entire thing for failure, because you were unclear with him about what your expectations were. You didn't seek clarification when he said he'd "Take care of it" because you didn't want to have to talk about this any more. You hoped that he meant what you wanted him to mean, rather than communicating with him properly. Then you snooped on his phone, which is equally not cool and deliberately tried to trap him a lie, rather than communicating with him properly.
Seriously, let go of this lie and try to fix the mistake both of you made in the first place by being honest about what you expect of him. If you want him to NEVER speak to her again, ask for that. If he says no, he deserves having his feelings and worries taken just as seriously as yours. Not every ex can be cut out entirely without consequences or guilt. That is not a sign of cheater, that is a sign of a human being with a conscience who likes to avoid hurting people or causing drama.
A guy who wants to cheat, will eventually cheat with somebody. A guy doesn't want to cheat, wont, even if the most beautiful woman in the world strips naked in front of him. So stop freaking out that he'll run back to her and start talking to him and trusting what he says. If you can't do that, then this relationship can't work, whether she is still trying to text him or not.
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The Question
Hey, so basically, I'm a guy and ive got this friend who I a girl. We were both talking about like sex and stuff, and what it would be like and she gave me a blow job. I didnt do anything to her, at all, but now I dont know if I've cheated on my girlfriend, even though I didnt do anything, only my friend did something...
The Answer
Unless you were passed out and/or she forced herself on you, and therefore sexually assaulted you... then you had a willing, sexual contact with another person. So that is cheating. That is a betrayal.
Your girlfriend almost certainly has a very normal and fair expectation that you would not have sexual contact with someone else.
You had sexual contact with someone else. Willingly. You choose it. You were a full and equal participant in this. You didn't just 'receive' a blow job, you choose to have sexual contact with someone who isn't your girlfriend.
Don't be an asshole. If you don't want to be loyal to your girlfriend, admit it and end the relationship, but don't pretend you 'didn't do anything'. Unless you were sexually assaulted by this other girl, than you did do something. You consented. You agreed to sexual contact with another person. That is cheating.
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The Question
but isn't cybering just talking to others online also
The Answer
Cybering refers to have sexually explicitly conversations, or video chats, online. It's not 'just talking'. It's talking about sex.
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The Question
My ex crush keeps smirking at me ... like this morning, he smirked at me and gave me a respectable head nod as I was headed to my office... why????
i no longer like him because I found out he has a fiancée and has been engaged for 3yrs..he told me he was single..he lied bluntly to my face.....I stopped all the chit chats and the walks etc....I totally backed off. he knows I cant have him and he cant have me.....and if he was to mess with me he'd be cheating.....so I was thinkin him smirkin and staring at me aint nothing good....I think he has something up his sleeve...and it aint nothing good...his behavior is odd, im thinkin he may try and rape me....cuz the way he has been actin is very odd........what do u all think any advice? thanks
The Answer
Ignore him.
He's being an ass and trying to get your attention. If you really fear sexual violence, then you speak to someone in your workplace, either Human Resources of your manager, but from what you've described in this question rape doesn't seem like an immediate risk.
If all it is is smirking, ignore it. He's looking for attention.
If he graduates to speaking to you, or touching you, tell him to stop and get someone at your workplace involved to tell him he must stop.
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The Question
Is it normal to talk to myself?
Sometimes when I am doing homework, particularly when I am just starting a task, I talk to myself...just little things like "so how shall we start?" or "what's next" or "okay, let's.....".
Also, a lot of times if I am doing math, I talk myself through each and every step: "now we multiply by two" "oh look! that works!" "how do we go on from here?...." One of my friends described it like I have a bunch of little men in my head telling me what to do. I don't feel that way, I don't feel like my head is messed up. She didn't mean it that way either, just to clarify.
Anyways, I am wondering, is it normal for me to do that? Can I talk to myself when I'm doing stuff?
The Answer
Normal.
Human beings brains are DESIGNED to be able to look at ourselves from the outside. To imagine, that we are separate from ourselves, and observing what we are doing. To put ourselves in another perspective and understand what is being seen from that angle.
It's actually one of the thing that separates us from animals, and allows us to be an inventive and intelligent as we are.
It's fine to do this. The only thing to keep in mind is that is can be distracting or unpleasant for those around you. It's good to remember that although this helps you think and process it might actually make it really difficult for people around you. Try to be courteous and learn how to 'speak' to yourself, without actually speaking out-loud. Your future co-workers and colleagues will thank you for the effort.
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The Question
We are hosting a potluck for turkey day. the person who wanted to do this is a vegetarian, and then my boss said we all have to participate (yet, i normally dont involve myself in these activities, but since i must) ive decided to make dressing. Do I have to go out of my way to accommodate a vegetarian
co-worker?
The Answer
You don't have to be nice if you don't want to be.
It's pretty clear you don't feel like being nice to your vegetarian co-worker. So don't be. It's not a crime, it's just not bothering to be nice to someone.
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The Question
I am 17 years old. I have a month old baby & we both live with my dad. the babies dad is around and he's a great dad. He takes him when I have to work which is very helpful. He's definitely gotten his life together since my son was born. He has a job & plans on helping me with anything I need help with. But the problem is my dad is constantly putting his nose in our business when it comes to my son. For example I go to work from 4 to 11 & my sons dad picks me and the baby up takes me to work and watches him till I get off. My dad doesn't like my son out that late but he's a BABY! He doesn't know if it's day or night. Why does it matter? And it's our baby. It's what we have to do to provide for our son. I have to WORK. But my dad saids I don't but I don't want to depend on him I like having my own money and taking care of things on my own. He's always trying to tel us what to do with our son. How can I address to him in a respectful way to stop? I'm only 17 but I know when it comes to my child & my sons dad is 20 he's know too. We got this but my dad won't back off. and now he wants me to put my child's dad on child support but i don't feel the need to do that. I don't want to but my dad insist! Yes I am leaving under his roof but im barely an expense to him. I pay for my own clothes, food, & rides to work. Not only that I pay for my sons formula, diapers, wipes, etc anything he needs!! Please help I don't know what to do!!! I WANT TO MAKE MY OWN DECISIONS
The Answer
You need to take a deep breath.
I understand what you Dad is doing is frustrating, but maybe he's being a real jerk about it, however, that doesn't mean he's wrong about everything.
You are clearly making your decisions. You are doing that. He's just talking to about them. That is totally fair for him to do. He's clearly not stopping you from working, or from setting your infants sleeping schedule. He's just telling you what he thinks.
Chances are, at 17 years old, you still need your father's involvement in your life and your son's life. Your father is not just your roommate-even if you also work and pay many of your own bills! Even if you were paying him rent! You'd still be his child, living in his house. There is no getting around the dynamic that imposes on you. That position demands a degree of respect. It also means you will have to listen to what he has to say, even if you don't agree or follow his advice.
You should talk to your baby's doctor about what sleeping patterns would be best. You might be right that the baby is doing just fine like this - especially when he's so young, but as he gets older you might need to reconsider your plans to make sure the baby is getting the sleep he needs. Maybe not right now, but this might not be the best arrangement for the little one's sleep in the long-term. Talking to a doctor about this, or joining a group for young mothers, will help to inform you with other people's expertise and experience and that will help you have more confidence in the choices you are making and expressing to your father.
Raising a child takes a lot of information! Really, you should be talking to other people and seeking advice. You don't just KNOW what's right just because you gave birth. No one does. Every mother has TONS to learn and if you get your back up the one you are hurting the most is yourself, because you'll isolate yourself from all the other people who care and want to support you. You and your boyfriend cannot just do this alone. You couldn't even if you were in your 30s. You need your community.
None of that means your Dad is right, not all of the time, not even most of the time, but it does mean his information and opinions deserve some basic respect, even if they annoy you.
You're stressed. You should be stressed. You have a month old. If you weren't stressed there would be something wrong with you, but don't turn this into an all out war with your Dad. It doesn't have to be. Instead, seek outside advice and information and support. That way you Dad knows you are making active, informed choices, not just arguing with him because you're pissed with him.
Also, hate me if you want too, but you and you boyfriend should have a child support agreement. It's an important part of being responsible parents at this stage. That way your boyfriend knows what he owes, and you know what you and the child have to spend. Without an agreement like that, things can get dicey and resentful for both of you. It's not about punishing your boyfriend or because he's being 'bad', or a sign of a lack of trust. It's about having a clear agreement in place so that both of you know what is what, and you don't have miscommunications about money. A child support agreement is an important part of you both providing for your son in the long-term.
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The Question
When I walked in to bring my boyfriend lunch, I see this girl sitting at a desk. She gave me the up and down look as I walked in and I told her I'm here to see my boyfriend. She doesn't close the door as soon I enter his office, she lingers and stares at us as we embrace and kiss..staring as if to confirm I was his gf... Just so bizarre.
I spent his lunch hour with him and this girl came in his office FIVE TIMES. In the span of an hour!!! Am I tripping or is that strange??? Every time she came in it was for some stupid irrelevant thing that could have been discussed any other time. The way she was smiling and looking at him turned me OFF. Women can tell when other women are trying to be subtle and cute in a way a man can't, my bf was so oblivious.
After the last time she came in, I asked my bf, does she always come through your office like this? And he was like yea, she comes through pretty often. And I was like, is this standard for interns? And he said no, but she's the type that likes to have constant contact and he appreciates her enthusiasm. When he said that I said she seems to have a little crush on you...
He laughed and said "she is a little flirty at times but I brush it off." I said how? And he said she's told him things like she loves older men. WHO TELLS THAT TO YOUR BOSS THAT IS AN OLDER MAN? And when would there ever be a time to even tell info like that? I didn't want to come off as insecure so I didn't ask for details. But isn't that super inappropriate? Am I being dramatic?
The Answer
Yes. It's inappropriate behavior.
And yes, you may also be being a bit dramatic.
Chill out. This girl isn't a threat to you, and if you treat her like one you'll only embarrass yourself. She's a fool. You'd be better off pointing out to your boyfriend that he if allows this to continue unchecked, he's hurting this young woman's future employment potential as well as damaging his own professional reputation. She needs to learn that flirting is not the correct way to behave at the office, and that her comments were unwise and unwelcome in that situation. She also needs to be more independent. Desiring constant contact isn't enthusiasm, it's dependency and a lack of confidence.
And he needs to not look like an horndog who can be made into a fool by a pretty young thing's compliments. There are many people who will think less of him if they see him accepting inappropriate attentions from an intern.
Don't be insecure, but be honest with your boyfriend. He's allowing her to develop workplace habits that will harm her in the long run with her male and female colleagues. If you saw it in the hour you were there, then it's very likely that every woman and many of the men he works with have also seen it. He needs to stop being flattered and start being a caring, responsible boss, and give her good boundaries and good advice.
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The Question
my job has a potluck coming up next week and i have a coworker who is a vegetarian.....should i accomadate her or make what i want with chicken stock/chicken meat etc.....i eat whatever i want along with everyone else....what should i do? thanks
The Answer
Why wouldn't you want everyone to be able to enjoy what you bring?
If you can't think of anything to make that would be vegetarian than maybe this isn't the right time to learn or try a new dish, but really, wouldn't you rather bring something everyone can enjoy?
You can do whatever you please and should make whatever you want too without shame, but if you are capable of being kind to your co-worker and considering her needs, why wouldn't you?
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The Question
Me and my crush used to work together now we work for diff companies….I’m 31 female and my crush is 41 male well he flirts all the time with me, passes by my office daily, touches me in some form so I asked him was he single he said yes and smiled at me. I didn’t believe him, I said you are too cute to be single he smiled again…well I got some guts and asked him.to lunch and he said we’ll see well, that never happened…I found it odd since he picks on me daily and flirts and stares at me…so I did some research and found out he is engaged and has been for three years, which I don’t understand why he lied…. well ever since I asked him to lunch and that hasn’t happened I’ve noticed when he sees me with other men or people in general he gets jealous hearted and he just stares at me with this hurt sometimes angry look on his face. I’ve never told him I know he is engaged, because if I do he will know I was digging on his Facebook page, and I don’t want him to think of me as a stalker…I love talking to him etc…..but I really don’t know if I should say something at all or just leave this all alone and let him regret his actions….and me and him talk when we talk…my mom says that any man that isn’t married is single…so he can date whom he wants…..he isn’t obligated to anyone….I think too me it seems like since he can’t have me in the manner that he wants, it hurts him every time he sees me, or he knows I know he is engaged and may be wondering why I haven’t said anything to him… he doesn’t pass by my office anymore nor have we spoken since he has seen me talking to other men/and or getting rides from males that I know been about a week now. (he never asked me who they were either).they are family members btw.., he has slowly started coming back around….still flits etc, and stares at me. if I’m out during lunchtime he will wait for me so we can walk back to the office together etc….even some of our mutual work “friends” think we are dating but we aren’t. just the other day i seen him and he stood in my work doorway smirking at me, with a very divious look in his eyes...im starting to feel uneasy now... I don’t understand him, if there are no feelings for me in any shape or form, and he doesn’t like me like that, nor want me for a g/f then why is he acting this way?
The Answer
Leave it alone.
He was probably enjoying the flirting until you called his bluff, asked him out, and he realized he'd acted like a totally creep leading you on and betraying his fiance by acting as though he was available.
Your mom is completely wrong and that is the kind of attitude that will loose you friends and land you in relationships with cheaters and assholes. Adults make promises and agreements with other adults. A man who has promised to marry someone has also made an agreement and it's totally legitimate for his partner to assume he's not acting like a love-sick fool with a woman at work. He is not free to date anyone if he has promised someone else he wont. He needs to deal with the agreement he's already made in a respectful way first.
He likes the attention. He likes the flirting. He likes being able to touch you without consequences. He likes that you want him but can't have him.
Basically, he likes that his is manipulating you - and probably his fiance too.
Be on guard. The evidence you have here isn't of a man who respects his partners or behaves honestly.
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The Question
I went on amazon and looked under LGBT section, they're all adults, in lusty sexual relationships, and most of them are gay. I want to find one I can relate to??? I'm a 12 year old closet lesbian, my parents know but other than that, nah. One that isn't just about sex and beer but actual struggles like hearing "fag" "dyke" and other homophobic slurs all the time? And being afraid of being outcasted? Like once my friend talked about how she wish we had a youtube channel, and i was like "we'd be like dan and phil, that would mean people would ship us intensely" and she started backing away and getting creeped out, I clarified I was joking and she calmed down but still. Anyway can this preferably be by an LGBT author who actually gets it? It's impossible for a heterosexual cisgender to understand our lives. Thank you!
The Answer
Goodreads.com might be a great resource for you, because you can read reviews from other real readers.
Here is a list they have of popular lesbian young adult novels:
https://www.goodreads.com/shelf/show/lesbian-young-adult
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The Question
My soon to be husband had desinger shoes made for our wedding, they are a size 5 and I usually wear a side 6.5. Please tell me a way I can exercise my feet to fit smaller size. My wedding day is July 2, 2016.
The Answer
Cannot be done.
Your feet have no fat and not even that much muscle. They are largely bone. They cannot be shrunk. You should speak to your husband about the error. You cannot possible wear those shoes comfortably or without hurting yourself.
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The Question
Help please I dont know what to do. I'm being blackmailed. I am a 19yr old male and she said she was 20yrs. I sent a nude picture of myself with my face in it to a girl on Kik and she said if I don't pay her money she would post it on Ellen show website and try to have her show it on CNN or something like. And ruin my life. She wants me to pay her $100 and if I do she said she would delete the picture. Im scared that she will post it and ruin my life. I can't tell my family because they would be upset at me and cause more issues. Please someone help me I don't know what to do.
The Answer
Block her. Ignore her. Send her nothing.
Let's be serious: Ellen doesn't give a damn and her producers would immediately delete anything like that - because sharing it would be criminal in some situations!
Her threat is absurd. Nonsensical. She's a scam artist and a bully. And a stupid one at that. Unless you are a celebrity or a member of the royal family, no body gives a damn about your nude selfie.
There is a real risk that she might put it up online somewhere. Once the photo exists that risk exists and it NEVER goes away.
Because she is a liar and a scam artist, you can't possibly trust that she'll leave you alone if you pay her.
So, the very best thing you can do is block her, ignore her and never respond to her again.
Also, never send anyone nudes. Relationships end. Phones get hacked. It's never a good idea. Just don't do it unless you can accept the risk that those pictures might appear online.
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The Question
I have been really hesitant to post this because of fear of being told I am manipulating someone's "kindness" into something sinister or that I am reading too far into this, but ultimately this situation has escalated recently and I am feeling uncomfortable with it all.
To give some background, I just recently turned fifteen years old. I am a female in the 9th grade. I go to a Christian co-op (school alternative for homeschoolers, feel free to Google it) and take classes once a week. Now, I really enjoy it and have made a lot of friends there. The school is held at a church I have attended for over a decade. I used to look forward to school and it's in a safe place I have always associated with happiness and calmness, but not anymore. That's when this guy comes into play.
Let's call him "Max". Max is a senior at my school and is in one of my classes. Max is very popular in school. Max has always made me feel uncomfortable because of the way he looks at me and generally acts towards me in comparison to other people. Obviously looking at me isn't the only thing he does, but he stares at me relentlessly in class, never breaks eye contact, and smirks at me frequently. Until recently that is all he has done. About a month ago, right after my 15th birthday, he acting strangely. Let me elaborate ...
•Max has a very strange way of addressing ages, years and birthdays now. The first time he saw me after my birthday, he asked me, "When did you turn?" I was confused by this question and what it meant as he repeated it over and over until I realized he meant what age I had become. When another student (who is a junior male if it matters) mentioned they had a birthday soon as well, he only said, "How many?" If personally asked how old he is, he does not say an exact age but only says he "turned three months ago". After he turned fifteen he asked how long after I "turned" did I get my permit, and if I had fun "turning". I have never outright confronted him about it and have no idea what the purpose of this is. He apparently does not value time or acknowledging different ages or maturities.
•If I say bye or hello to someone else anywhere near him, I must also say it to him or he gets visually and verbally angry. Sometimes I have to say goodbye or hello to him ten times or he will act like I've done something horrible to him in front of all my friends.
•He offers me rides home and no matter how many times I reject him, he does not stop. He knows that I walk home despite the fact that I have never told him this. He leaves school one class period before I do, so he should not in any circumstance know how I get home.
•I have a twin sister who attends all my classes with me and Max does not acknowledge her presence or speak to her. We are identical if it matters.
•He got my phone number through a group project and now frequently texts me at all hours of the day or night. He tells me I am "beautiful" and the way I wear my hair down is "pretty", and that he hates girls who wear their hair up. He texts me late at night, anywhere from 11pm to 1am asking if I am awake. He also randomly texts me "Mmmmmmm" for no reason.
•He follows me to my lunch table, free periods and gets directly behind me when I am in line for lunch. Then he makes conversation with me, which always starts about something innocent such as cars and escalates. For example, he was telling me about his car and proceeded to say "The backseat is always clean". This is one of many sexually suggestive phrases he says.
•He sexualizes everything I do. When I get my lunch or bend down to grab something or touch my hair or smile, it's ALL apparently some sort of sexual action according to him.
That is just a generalized summary of his behavior before this past weekend.
Now, this past Halloween weekend, a huge Halloween party was held at a senior student's house and one of my friends was invited. She brought my twin sister and I along as guests. My friend arrived at the party half an hour earlier then me and called me to say Max was asking everyone where I was and Max also said he was going to be waiting outside at the door until I got there. When I arrived he was not there and was not seen until around an hour after, when he walked up behind me and told me I had "missed his amazing Halloween costume". He was dressed in normal clothes and showed me a picture of his costume on his phone. Then, in front of my friends, he called me "special" and proceed to
grab my hand and force me to touch him.
His shirt had graphics on the lower half of it and he was forcing me to trace them and trying to flatten my palm against his abdomen. I tugged my hands and became visually upset until a college student at the party walked over and told him to stop, at which point M invited me to his car. I was very angry at this point and the college student said that it wasn't happening. Max then said "he loved me" and left.
Now at this point he continues to text me. I am afraid to see him again. He is very popular in this school and has gone there for many years, and many of the teachers are like his family. This is my first year at the school and I barely know anyone. I am not sure who to tell in the school system. I want to continue going there but am afraid I will simply be told I am being ridiculous and exaggerating if I tell any teacher. The last thing I want to do is stop going to the school because of this. What should I do?
tl;dr A senior at my school texts me strange things late at night, forces me to touch him and says he loves me? What should I do?
The Answer
Max is harassing you and being abusive.
What you describe at the halloween party is assault.
The first few things you mention are awkward, but might simply be that Max IS awkward. That doesn't matter. He's also crossed the line entirely.
The anger, the constant texting, the unwelcome sexual attention and the physical force are all abusive. Much of what he is doing is criminal-level harassment.
Maybe he doesn't know he's abusing you. In which case he needs an adult to step in and let him know that he must stop it immediately.
I wish I could promise you that when you speak to someone at school you'll be taken seriously. As seriously as you should be because this young man is harassing you and making you feel unsafe at school. But I can't promise you that. Even though there is a risk - and probably a smaller one than you think - that you might not be believed, you should speak up. Start with a family member or teacher or coach you can trust and describe the halloween party first. That is the most serious and aggressive actions so far.
Whoever you tell, let them know clearly that you don't feel safe. Max has grabbed you, has reacted angrily when you don't pay enough attention to him, and wont stop texting you. It is entirely valid that you are feeling scarred of this person. What he is doing is scary and you deserve to be protected.
Don't respond to the texts, but hold on to them.
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The Question
My girlfriend and I recently broke up last month. Note, this was neither of our fault. Something happened with her depression, and she didn't feel the same about us anymore. So I didn't give up, after the breakup I consisted attempts of getting us back together, which ultimately lead to the exclusion of her life completely. This caused me to have minor depression, and major thoughts of suicide considering I cannot get back with the my one love, the girl who saved my life once before. I'm afraid without her I'm most certainly going to lose control as I have already lost who I once was. Please, this is my only chance. I need help to find a way to get her back. And please don't refer me to any kinds of medical help because I'm not ready to open up to that kind of treatment. I just need my one true love back, without her I can't go on.
The Answer
Stop it. It's unfair and cruel to try and force yourself on someone just because you are ill. You can't win her back by making your happiness her job. She deserves a partner who loves and respects her, not one who demands she make his life one worth living. That isn't her job. Your happiness and health isn't her job. That is your job.
You are mentally ill and you seem to know it. You need support and care that she cannot give you. Putting that burden on her is unkind, and also unproductive. She can't fix this for you. You have to fix this.
"Never giving up" doesn't prove your love. It's proves you don't care about what she feels or wants.
I'm sorry you aren't open to treatment yet - I truly am - because treatment is what will help you. Your demands on your ex girlfriend are irrational and unkind. They are symptom of your mental illness, not a cure. Until you are ready to accept real help, you are not ready to be in anything like a real relationship.
Your life is worth living. You are worthy of real help and assistance for your mental health, but you can't force someone to date you and it's wrong to try. Go get the help you need and deserve for people capable from giving it to you. As for your ex, it's time to love and respect her enough to accept her decision about what relationship she wants or doesn't want to be in.
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The Question
Ive been seeing my ex boyfriend for 1 year and 6 months but all of a sudden he just stopped speaking to me and i dont knw why and he dont want to tell me why instead he tells me im overthinking things again..i saw him on the 24th october and then didnt hear from him it was his birthday on the 31st and i msgd hm bt he ddnt reply so i phoned him and since then i havent heard from him iv send him tons of msgs even phoned him but he just ignores it and stuff..he told me he likes being around me he just dont like how clingy iv gotten..its not that im clingy i dont mean to seem so but i just want answers why he dont reply to me,sometimes he tellr me that hes not keen on people anymore,when i saw him i told him it felt like it was the last time im ever gona see him but he said no he dont think so and our friendship wont end but now i dont know anymore..cause now it does seem like im clingy seeing that im sending hm 2or 3msgs a day just so that he can reply but instead he dont..i kinda dont know what to do cause in a way i dont want to lose him again,what should i do so that he will mayb speak to me again if im not seeing so clingy cause he told me hes not keen on clingy but all i ever do is seem clingy..i just want him to talk to me like we did before but that wont probably happen..do u think him ignoring me is his way of saying leave him alone
The Answer
He refused to have any contact with you, or acknowledge you, on his birthday.
You may be clingy, but he's a total asshole. A selfish, manipulative, asshole.
He might like being with you, but he has basically no respect for you and doesn't give a shit about being polite or about your feelings.
Be glad he is gone. This is not a person you want to be in a relationship with. This is a person who is deliberately choosing to be mean to you. Even if you were clingy (and a 2-3 messages well within normal) his reaction to your messages is completely wrong.
Him ignoring you is his way of saying he's an disrespectful asshole who doesn't give a shit about your feelings. Leave him alone for your own sake. You are better off without him.
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The Question
I'm in college and my dad does not pay one dime for my education, or anything else I need for that matter. My mom currently pays for everything and next semester, I want to get a job at school which will give me free tuition. If I do that, then I'll be taking care of my own tuition.
My dad, though, is C-R-A-Z-Y overly controlling and he's also got severe anger issues and is very intimidating. It's hard stand up to him or to tell him no to anything because honestly, he scares the s#!? out of me. He used to be physically abusive towards my mom which is one of the reasons they're not together anymore.
Usually when he gives me an order that I don't want to follow, I don't say no, I just listen to it and then do what I want to. However, he's taking his hovering over my life to a whole new level. He's been talking about actually driving down and COMING WITH ME to registration next semester to make sure I'm taking the classes HE wants me to take. I cannot let that happen.
He wants me to take a bunch of classes that I don't want to take. I'm a girl and he wants me to take weight lifting. I used to lift weights often in the past, but stopped because my muscles were getting too big. I didn't realize how fast muscles grow. I still lift weights once in a while to keep the muscle I have from turning to jello, but I don't want them getting any bigger. I have nothing against exercise, but not weight lifting as a class. It's MY body and I have a right not to do anything to it that I don't want to, especially something that I can't undo. I'd have those muscles for the rest of my life, they'd make me self conscious and paranoid that people thought I was a freak, and I'd have to maintain the muscle for the rest of my life or it'd turn to fat. There are other classes he wants me to take that I don't want to. Weight lifting is just an example.
He also wants me to take all kinds of classes that I don't need to get my degree. The problems with that are that it'd take forever and it'd be ridiculously expensive. I go to a private, Christian university and the tuition is crazy. ONE class there costs about a much as an entire semester of classes at my sister's university. I can't afford to just take classes for the heck of it. I'm racking up enough student loans as it is. I don't want to rack up a ton more taking classes just to be able to say that I took them and that I'm making myself more well rounded. It's irritating that HE'S not the one paying my tuition, HE'S not the one who'll have to pay off the student loans, yet he thinks HE can make me take classes that I don't want or need to take.
If I asked him to help with my tuition, he wouldn't. If I explained that if he doesn't pay a dime for my tuition, rent, food, or absolutely anything else, then he doesn't have a right to control my decisions, he'd disagree. He doesn't really get that if you don't pay for something, it's not yours. He is determined to control my decisions including what classes I take and I'm determined not to let him, but I don't know how.
What am I gonna do to keep my very scary, intimidating, ill tempered father with a history of physical abuse from controlling my decisions? What do I do if he shows up at my school for registration? My mom says I can register online, but what if I can't? And what do I say when I let him know that I registered online and didn't sign up for the classes he wanted me to take? How do I grow a spine and stand up to him once and for all?
The Answer
Let's be 100% clear on this: It is more important that you be safe than it is that you stand up to him.
Seriously. Safety first.
You probably can register online. If you can't, speak to your campus security or the university's Ombudsperson. Tell them exactly what you've told us: Your father has a history of physical abuse, and you need to make arrangements to register without his presence or interference. Your school has a responsibility to you as a client - someone who pays them - and also as a student, to keep you safe and respect your wishes.
My advice to you would be to not bring up registration at all with your father. If and when he asks, simply confirm for him that you have registered and are enrolled and that your class selections have been made. Don't report to him what those classes are. He deserves absolutely no more information than a confirmation that will be attending university next year. Your classes are your choice, and he doesn't get to have ANY part of that discussion unless he can be respectful of your choices.
Since he has proven he can't be respectful, he doesn't get to be a part of this process in any way.
Keep yourself safe and minimize your contact with him. Get university security and support involved if you need too. Withhold information from him that he will try to use to harm you. Keep your mother in the loop about your decision as well and ask for her help in not giving him information he is not entitled to have.
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The Question
I don't know if this is normal, my gyno says it is. I'm a 27 year old female, I have been with my partner for more than a year and it was the first time we had sex 4 months ago when we got married. I never had sex before and once we did it was really painful inside. I thought maybe by time it would be easier but no. I still feel the pain. Sometimes I don't if I've had a drink or was really relaxed with nothing on my mind but other times I get really dry quickly and then the intercourse becomes painful, even with lubricant. I also don't orgasm from penetration...normal? I've had orgasms without penetration but I don't feel like it's enough any more. How do I overcome this? My husband was really understanding when I spoke to him, we usually take a long time with foreplay, he goes slow and stops if I'm ever in pain but I'm worried something could be wrong with me, I don't want this to last I seriously want it to end. Please advise
The Answer
Many women never orgasm from penetrative sex alone. That is very normal and it's not necessarily something that can be overcome - because it's not wrong or abnormal. It's a myth in porn and movies that women can always reach orgasm that way. Many can't. They need additional stimulation that just penis-in-vagina just can't provide.
If your gynecologist has given you a clean bill of health, you should speak to a sex therapist with your husband. They really are the experts here, and you deserve an expert who can make sure there is nothing restricting you or contributing to your pain. If you aren't confident in your gynecologist, speak to another one.
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The Question
I don't know why there is a reason for this, but lately I've just hated anybody who comes from the UK, any part of Europe, or Australia. What I mean is that I hate how these new celebrities/music artists are all imported from those following 3 places and they just swarm into Hollywood and ruin America. They act like they are all hot stuff just because they left their country and are in America now. I just hate Europe...
The Answer
It's one thing to not like certain artists or celebrities - that's normal. But once you decide you hate ALL ARTISTS from a certain place, that's just boring old bigotry. Bigotry is easy. Our brains make judgement and generalizations naturally. We have to work to not be bigots. It doesn't come naturally to humans to be respectful of people we think aren't 'one of us'.
America is the biggest media market on the planet. English-speaking artists will come to America because that is where they can make the most money and reach the most audiences. It's not evil. It's basic economics.
If you wanted to be the best coal miner ever, you'd move to the city with the biggest and best coal mine. If you want to be the best/biggest actor or musician you can be, you move to New York or LA because that's the place where the work is. If they came to New York or LA and are actually getting enough work for you to notice them - then they ARE hot stuff. They have achieved something difficult and cool.
If you think people moving to America for the sake of professional success in the entertainment business are ruining America, you are expressing a deeply bigoted opinion and you should work on that. It's not nice, or reasonable, or ethical. You don't have to enjoy each of them as entertainers, but don't start making generalizations and judging everyone who shares some characteristics - like nationality or race - with an specific artist you don't like.
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