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Overly Controlling Father
I'm in college and my dad does not pay one dime for my education, or anything else I need for that matter. My mom currently pays for everything and next semester, I want to get a job at school which will give me free tuition. If I do that, then I'll be taking care of my own tuition.
My dad, though, is C-R-A-Z-Y overly controlling and he's also got severe anger issues and is very intimidating. It's hard stand up to him or to tell him no to anything because honestly, he scares the s#!? out of me. He used to be physically abusive towards my mom which is one of the reasons they're not together anymore.
Usually when he gives me an order that I don't want to follow, I don't say no, I just listen to it and then do what I want to. However, he's taking his hovering over my life to a whole new level. He's been talking about actually driving down and COMING WITH ME to registration next semester to make sure I'm taking the classes HE wants me to take. I cannot let that happen.
He wants me to take a bunch of classes that I don't want to take. I'm a girl and he wants me to take weight lifting. I used to lift weights often in the past, but stopped because my muscles were getting too big. I didn't realize how fast muscles grow. I still lift weights once in a while to keep the muscle I have from turning to jello, but I don't want them getting any bigger. I have nothing against exercise, but not weight lifting as a class. It's MY body and I have a right not to do anything to it that I don't want to, especially something that I can't undo. I'd have those muscles for the rest of my life, they'd make me self conscious and paranoid that people thought I was a freak, and I'd have to maintain the muscle for the rest of my life or it'd turn to fat. There are other classes he wants me to take that I don't want to. Weight lifting is just an example.
He also wants me to take all kinds of classes that I don't need to get my degree. The problems with that are that it'd take forever and it'd be ridiculously expensive. I go to a private, Christian university and the tuition is crazy. ONE class there costs about a much as an entire semester of classes at my sister's university. I can't afford to just take classes for the heck of it. I'm racking up enough student loans as it is. I don't want to rack up a ton more taking classes just to be able to say that I took them and that I'm making myself more well rounded. It's irritating that HE'S not the one paying my tuition, HE'S not the one who'll have to pay off the student loans, yet he thinks HE can make me take classes that I don't want or need to take.
If I asked him to help with my tuition, he wouldn't. If I explained that if he doesn't pay a dime for my tuition, rent, food, or absolutely anything else, then he doesn't have a right to control my decisions, he'd disagree. He doesn't really get that if you don't pay for something, it's not yours. He is determined to control my decisions including what classes I take and I'm determined not to let him, but I don't know how.
What am I gonna do to keep my very scary, intimidating, ill tempered father with a history of physical abuse from controlling my decisions? What do I do if he shows up at my school for registration? My mom says I can register online, but what if I can't? And what do I say when I let him know that I registered online and didn't sign up for the classes he wanted me to take? How do I grow a spine and stand up to him once and for all?
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I assume since you are in college you are 18 years of age making you legally an adult. As a legal adult you father has no more control over your life than I do, even if he was paying the bill for college. I don't see how he can stand over you and force you to register for classes without causing a scene that would most likely require police intervention if you just did as you pleased.
The fact that your father is not physically abusing you does not mean you are not being abused by him. He is mentally abusing you and he terrifies you or as you say scars the sh*t out of you.
Because of this and I do not know how much legal proof you may need. You may want to consider filing for a Court Order of Protection from your father. You would not be the first adult child of an abusive parent nor will you be the last child to file for such an Order. The Order would provide that your father stay a certain distance from you. Such as not being allowed on campus when your on campus. If you live on campus then he cannot come on campus as he cannot know when and when you are not on campus and thus cannot interfere with registration.
Another alternative, less drastic, is to speak to the Registrar's Office and tell the problem. You may be allowed to preregister before open registration. If so problem solved. Give the Registrar's office your list of classes for next semester. When and if he arrives you're already registered and classes paid for. Since you are an adult he cannot do anything to change your classes.
Since your father has a history of physical abuse and you do the second and not my first suggestion I fear for your safety. Is it possible your father could become physically abusive with you for disregarding him in this manner. If the answer is yes or maybe I urge you to give serious consideration to try and get an order of protection from him. If you are successful, make sure to file a copy with the campus police as well as the local city or county police.
Filing for an order of protection against a parent is something you may find disgusting and it is. It is also something that many adult children have reluctantly had to do for their own safety. If as I said your father could become physically abusive with you when he learns you defied him on this. Then filing for an Order of Protection is away of telling him you won't be controlled by him any longer that he will have to pay attention to as well as hopefully keeping you safe.
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Dear you waited too long before reacting against actions of your father and I understand it as its all because of fear. So its going to be tough at this stage. I can bet that he will not let you go alone for registration, he will be there and he will ensure that you join classes according to his wish.
I can think of two ways to solve this problem.
1. There wud be someone in this whole world your father respects, find that person and ask him / her to convince your father or do it yourself but only if some adult is in the house for your safety. Your arguments are quite strong you just need to put it up to your dad.
2. Talk to the the university and tell them the complete story and request them to re-do your registration according to your will the next day after your father has left doing his bit.
I would advise to be safe and do not engage with your dad when you are alone.
best wishes to you.
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Let's be 100% clear on this: It is more important that you be safe than it is that you stand up to him.
Seriously. Safety first.
You probably can register online. If you can't, speak to your campus security or the university's Ombudsperson. Tell them exactly what you've told us: Your father has a history of physical abuse, and you need to make arrangements to register without his presence or interference. Your school has a responsibility to you as a client - someone who pays them - and also as a student, to keep you safe and respect your wishes.
My advice to you would be to not bring up registration at all with your father. If and when he asks, simply confirm for him that you have registered and are enrolled and that your class selections have been made. Don't report to him what those classes are. He deserves absolutely no more information than a confirmation that will be attending university next year. Your classes are your choice, and he doesn't get to have ANY part of that discussion unless he can be respectful of your choices.
Since he has proven he can't be respectful, he doesn't get to be a part of this process in any way.
Keep yourself safe and minimize your contact with him. Get university security and support involved if you need too. Withhold information from him that he will try to use to harm you. Keep your mother in the loop about your decision as well and ask for her help in not giving him information he is not entitled to have.
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