A quick note: If I answered a question and you have further questions for me, please include a URL link to your original question(s) so that I can be sure of what we're talking about. Questions that reference something we talked about a week ago that I can't quite remember are kinda hard to answer.
Welcome to my column.
I don't apologize for my answers. I speak to the audience, and in doing so I sometimes tell the audience things they don't want to hear or cant handle.
I believe in stands on principle. I believe that doing right for the sake of doing right is a good way to live. I believe in self awareness and encourage it in others. I offer the most unbiased viewpoint I have. And yes, I am only human.
Im going to tell you what I think you need to hear. You are not supposed to take what I say and follow it. You are supposed to take what I say and _think_about_it_
Oh, and feel free to ask me questions, but netspeak, ebonics, terrible grammar, and your teen angst about a crush will be ignored.
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Member Since: July 16, 2007
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Last Update: April 13, 2014
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I'm 13/f and I've had my boyfriend 16/m for about 2 years. Yes, I know he is really old for me. Recently he asked if he could come over to my house so I let him in when my parents were out at night. We started making out but then he tried to strip me! I said that I wasn't ready and made him go. Now I feel like he is slipping away. He's flirting with other girls. I don't know if I should have sex with him or not. I'm worried about stupid things like what if the condom breaks, or he goes too hard, or what if I'm no good? But the one thing that haunts me the most is what if my parents found out? Should I do it? (link)
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No, you should never have sex to save a relationship. The things you're worried about aren't stupid, first off. Second, sex is something that should be approached on an equal basis. Both parties wanting it, and being prepared for it _and_ it's possible consequences.
This in no way describes your situation. You're asking yourself what you have to do to keep him. That's a bad question to ever be asking yourself, you shouldn't have to do anything to get someone to stay with you, they should want to do that of their own accord, and if they don't you're better off without them.
He's 16. He's looking for things you flat out are not ready for. That's not anyone's fault, but that also doesn't mean that you should have sex to give him what he's looking for. That's now how relationships work.
Yes, he's really old for you. You should end it. You should tell him that he wants things that you aren't old or mature enough for, that it's not the right time in your relationship with him for, and that instead of trying to make it work he should be with someone who's looking for the same sexual relationship he apparently is.
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my name is Rachel and iam 22 years old and there is a guy that's 53 years old and he keeps asking me out and I keep telling him that he's to old me and that iam not interested and he still keeps making comments about wanting me to go out with him. I've told the deane at the school and he's talked to him and he still won't leave me alone. How do I get the message across that iam not interested without hurting his feelings? (link)
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Recording device followed by restraining order.
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Can someone explain what the Mens rights movement is? What I hear is it is an "equal rights" group...but isn't that what feminism is? Yet men claim they are not misogynists but criticize feminism? (link)
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Mens rights activists are generally entitled misogynists whining about the loss of privilege they feel they deserve. The primary hallmark of MRAs is that they don't actively do anything to address any of the issues which they claim to care about. They use legitimate issues for men as a smokescreen to cover any internal recognition of the fact that they don't actually do anything but whine, advocate rape apologism and other similarly reprehensible viewpoints, and circle jerk over their varied ideas of what feminism is which usually involves extended straw man arguments and bigotry/misogyny.
Any MRA who criticizes feminism shows that he falls pretty much directly into my above generalization. In truth the two movements (when legitimate on the MRA side) have much in common and are about the recognition of each sex/gender as a collective of individuals and not members of a stereotype which everyone is required to adhere to. Legitimate advocates for Men's Rights recognize that both men and women are fettered by roles which we have created as a society and are more interested in figuring out solutions than assigning blame.
People like this (from my anecdotal experience) make up less than 1% of men's rights activists with the rest thinking back to the glory days when you could get a woman drunk, date rape her, and it made you a stud who knew what women wanted and how to talk to them.
I'm a guy, for the record.
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Is it considered cheating if you cheat on your boyfriend with a girl? (link)
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Generally it's considered cheating if you describe the action directly as cheating yourself.
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So.. my problem is , I took over 20 morning after pills. How much will that affect me? (link)
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Call your Doctor as soon as you can after reading this sentence. Like, now if possible.
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im 14
well, ive been dating my boyfriend Jonny for about 3 weeks now. & im not 'in love' with him. hes a sweet guy and everything, but im not in love with him like i thought i would have been. me and him went through so much to be togher :/ befor we dated he was my bestfriend. and i always went to him for all my guy problems, and like i cant help but think of other guys sometimes.
i really dont wanna lose him bc i really like him. like, is it a good thing that im not in love so early in the relationship? or should i end it befor it gets seriouse? :/ (link)
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While no, you don't know what real love is, I will say that what you're really talking about is chemistry. There isn't that "spark" that makes you excited and attracted, which is what's missing. You like him, but it's not a romantic like, just a platonic friendly like.
If this is the case, yes, end it.
No clue if you can salvage things. He might feel the spark when you don't, he might not be able to be friends with you because he wants to date you and he can't settle for less. But if you can't date him there isn't anything that can be done about it, when one out of two friends wants romance the friendship is pretty much doomed no matter what, it's just a matter of time until it falls apart.
Love takes months or years but chemistry is usually pretty immediate. When it's not there things just don't work out. Thinking about other guys three weeks in is most definitely not normal relationship progress, my vote is end it before it gets any more serious or he gets any more settled into thinking you're both on the same page and like each other the same way. It's the kindest and most respectful way you can treat things. Don't tell him you think about other guys, just tell him that the spark isn't there, that you care about him as a friend and that you don't think that your feelings for him are romantic, and that he deserves someone who feels about him the same way he feels about them.
He might ask if he did something wrong or if he could do something to fix it. Tell him that it's not about fixing it or there being something broken, it's about you explored your feelings and that the romance just isn't there, and never was. You wanted to see if it could be, but in the end you just feel the same way about him you've always felt, that he's an awesome friend who you care about and want to still be friends with.
Lust and love are different but you won't fall in love with someone you don't lust after to some degree.
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me and my girlfriend are lesbians who plan on getting married soon. we want to join the navy but are worried we will get stationed in other places than eachother. if only one of us joins the navy would i still be allowed to live with her and could she go without being sent away for months at a time? thanks for any help (link)
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You'd have to do some research into it, but as I understand it you have to be legally married to live on base. DADT was repealed, but the federal government still does not recognize gay marriage. While states can and do, you can't file your IRS tax return as a married couple and I'd bet that the military won't recognize it either even if you got married and joined up from a state where it was legal and recognized.
Do some research, just don't ask a recruiter (they can and will lie to you to get you to join) and see, but I think you'd not be granted any recognition. You wouldn't be able to live in on-base housing and there would be none of the allowances they might make for a married couple in the service or a married couple with one person in the service.
As to being sent away, I don't think you could do anything about that regardless. A friend of mine joined the navy and was married, and his wife lived on base on the East Coast while he was on a ship that went all over the world and was gone for months.
Joining the armed forces will mean long separations no matter what you do, I don't think there's any way to escape that part no matter who you are. And again, recruiters might tell you otherwise but that's just to get you to sign up, then people with more authority than the recruiters can do whatever they want with you.
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I was wondering if the following constitutes verbal/emotional abuse when committed by a parent.
- Name calling/yelling often
- Neglect/ Not being spoken to for a while
- Having standards that make the child feel bad
- Manipulation
- Talking badly about the other parent to get pity
- If the child lives in fear of being physically abused
- If the child feels unloved or like the parent simply cannot be pleased
Emotional/verbal abuse/neglect are hard to identify since you can't see the scars. And I was wondering if all of these must be present for it to be abuse.. or just some of them? Does anybody know? Thank you very much. (link)
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Yeah, that sounds pretty text book. Separately many of those things can be abuse and piled together it's an ugly family situation.
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For a while now I have been selling pills to some of my friends but I have been the "middle man." If my friends ever need pills I normally charge them about $10 or so more because I have been getting them cheap from my big dealers.
Today one of my friends that I have bought pot from a few times asked me for $1,000 worth of pills and I said sure. When we went to my dealers house I went inside to get the pills but I noticed it was kind of sketchy because a lot of people were in their cars outside of my dealers house. I went through with the deal and gave the pills to the guy asking for it and went on my way.
After leaving that location, I was pulled over. The cops searched me, I had nothing. As well as searched the guys I was with, they had nothing. The cop took me in (because I was the guy who went inside and physically got the pills) and questioned me. He asked me about the dealer and all the pills and whatnot and suggested that I snitch on other dealers I know of.......this is where the big question lies so pay attention...... they then said that I had until next wednesday(it is now thursday) to come and snitch to them or else they would send me to jail. When I asked how they could send me to jail they said "they know who I am" and they "knew I was a middle man" and that they "had enough to put me away for 3 years."
Now, is it really true that they can put me into jail because they've "seen" or "heard" my name as a middle man? THey have no proof/evidence and when I was pulled over I had no drugs on me.
ANY HELP IS GREAT. THANKS GUYS. (link)
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Go talk to a lawyer. Like, now.
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I'm just trying to prove a point to my boyfriend, it's NOT attractive when guys fart correct? (link)
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No, it's not attractive. But there comes a point when you have to realize that it's inevitable. Farting is one of those natural bodily functions you ignore for the one you love. It's not that it's a good thing, it's just something that happens that requires understanding on both sides.
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You’re right about everything. Gosh who are you? I wish I could have you in my day to day life to come to you for advice, even though you kinda already are.
How long should I wait to send him a text? Because I have his number he doesn’t have mine? I just go his number today sooo.. yeah how long should I wait? I don’t want to come off as clingy or desperate. And good thing you mentioned the texting thing cause I would of freaked and thought he wasn’t into me if I didn’t get a reply right away.
I think I may of looked him up on facebook and found him and he just broke up with somebody a month ago.. if that’s true what if she comes back in the picture.
And I noticed when I was asking him out I didn’t smile, because I was so nervous. Not good! I really like making him laugh, he’s laugh is adorable and funny.
AHH. And the touch barrier scares me. I’d like for him to touch me but it’s a bit scary. And holding hands is easy for youuuu, not me.
I most scared about the kissing for now right now. I suck at this, and if I suck he won’t want to kiss me. Plus it’s embarrassing. I really need to know how to kiss him.
Wouldn’t he of asked me out if he was completely in to me, instead of the other way around?
and im still really thankful for what you have done for me. I appreciate it a lot more then you believe so.
annashae
(link)
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Yeah, if he's got a busy life keeping his head afloat he's not going to have the time or mental energy to devote that you might as just a student.
Don't overthink things. Ask other girls for advice on what to wear, I know nothing about fashion.
You're over-thinking things. Dating is about finding out. You have to be prepared to find out whatever there is. Maybe he doesn't have space in his life. Maybe he's not as interested in you or, or doesn't want the same things in a relationship. Maybe he was just tired. Keep chatting, see if he comes up with a date or ask to chat on the phone and see how that goes.
If things don't work out, keep your head up and your eyes out. Keep working on being a little more social, keep trying to find a few friends you can do stuff with. Get a social hobby or something.
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THANKS A MILLION WITTY!!!
SO I took your advice and I went to see him today, and I didn't think I'd be able to ask him out. But yea after he looked over my paper we just were casually talking and i got to know a bit more about him personally, i liked it alottt. right before i left i was like hey would you ever want to go out? and he was like what? and so i repeated it and he looked at me and said yes. and so i was a nervous wreck and so i was like not here but like somwhr outside, and he was like yeah okay. and i was like i know you said you dnt like coffeee but we can make it fancy and do tea and he was like ill give you my number. while he was writing it down i asked id he works alot, and he said he does, and his availability depends week to week. and he wrote it down, and gave it to me. and he told me to text him sometime. i mean i dont know if thats good. but he did say yess. thanks witty , omg your awesome! but now what? when do i text him? do i ? like do i still go to him to get tutored?im smiling for the first time in months. are you proud of me? I asked a guy out!!!! And he said yes. I feel good cause he so damn cute. But I wish I asked him out the way you told me too, I couldn’t find those words to come out. I couldn’t tell him I think he’s cute, it wouldn’t come out of my mouth even though I was sitting thr admiring him, I can’t believe he even said yes. You’re the best, seriously. But I don’t know what to do now? I don’t even know how to kiss a guy if it even comes to that, I don’t. never kissed anyone. I dont know how this works help me! Pleaseeeeee. And what do I say I wanna do like do I tell him I want to get dinner? Whats the next step? I don’t know how to kiss a guy, even hold hands with a guy. Gosh he makes me nervous. I have butterflies. Ahhhhhh im so happy?!! I never would of done this without you, thank you thank you. This feeling is awesome. Fill me in. how do you act on a date. And remember im still like young and so is he so I don’t know if going to dinner is too mature for a first date? Hahha gosh, I don’t even know what to say, but I feel like he would never fall for me, and hes just being nice and saying yes.
thankss wittty!
annashae (link)
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Haha good for you!
See what I mean about how when you're shy people could be interested and you'd never know? You put yourself out there, even as awkward and nervous as can be, and holy shit dude's all about being more than tutor/tutoree.
Ok, first texting protocol so to speak. The biggest thing to keep in mind here is not to overthink texts. If you text and he doesn't get back to you for a while, don't overthink it or freak out or worry. Always remember that he said yes, which means he actually is interested in you, so if you don't hear from him give him the benefit of the doubt that he's got a good reason and be patient.
Don't overwhelm, don't leave a ton of texts or voicemails for him to find or anything. A few texts or a text and a voicemail is fine and then wait for him to get back to you. Texting back and forth is fine, have fun etc.
Start it off by asking him when he's free and what he'd like to do. If he isn't sure dinner or a movie or something similar is perfectly fine. Whatever you do set aside time you can talk, don't just go to a movie and go home or whatever.
You don't have to worry about being something specific, just worry about sending clear signals. Smiles let him know that he puts you in a good mood and that you're enjoying yourself with him, eye contact lets him know you're attentive and interested in what's going on/what he has to say.
Touch barrier... one of the things that can be uncomfortable for two shy people is the physical contact part of it. Holding his hand is easy. Just grab it when you get a chance. If you're sitting there drinking coffee or tea or whatever put your hands on the table and give him an open invitation to hold hands. If he initiates smile to let him know you welcome it when you do.
Getting past simple touching, you can be encouraging without stepping outside of what you're comfy with. Example, lets say things go well and you make out a little and his hands wander a little more than you're comfy with. Be clear with what you're ok with by smiling at him and placing his hands where you want them to be as opposed to just pushing him away or something. Instead of breaking physical contact just show him what you want or are ok with.
Kissing is kissing. You learn by doing. If he seems timid you can get him alone and lean in, make it clear you're inviting him to kiss you. Or just kiss him.
Don't think things like "he's just being nice and saying yes". Guys don't generally do that, first off, and thinking that will affect how you behave around him. Act like you're both interested, assume that he likes you until proven wrong. Remember risks? This is part of dating, you give him the benefit of the doubt that he's perfectly capable of saying yes or no as he desires and that he said yes for real reasons which involve his desire to get closer than just schoolwork with you.
Set a date, go out, be yourself, smile at him, send clear signals about what you want so that he knows when he's doing what you want and when he needs to do something he's not. Above all, relax. Butterflies are absolutely normal and fine, but don't let excitement turn to worry. And if you want something help make it a reality. If you want to kiss him suggest going somewhere conducive to it. If you want to talk to him same thing.
And yeah,keep going for tutoring. Ask him about it. He might want to set up more private study dates where you can get some work done and then get some not work done together, he might prefer you keep the tutoring separate from the dating life, you won't know until you ask. He might decide that dating you means he can spend his actual tutoring nights working with others he won't see on a more private basis and spend other time helping you. Approach it from a "I just was wondering what you think" perspective and let any choice involved be a good one.
And if you're really worried about kissing just google kissing videos or something to get some ideas. It's pretty instinctual when you get right down to it, but if you want specific tips just make sure not to eat his face or slobber all over him. French Kissing is not about tickling his tonsils with your tongue.
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Yeah You’re right about the wrong type of attention. But at least they’ve got the attention to give them the confidence or where would that come from?
Yeah I have seen the not so cute guy with the hot girl but I don’t know about me. Maybe I don’t have an attractive personality? And don’t know how to get comfy in situations, and yes I always feel weird when someones looking at me. Because one I don’t know why they are and I also cannot even keep looking at the person. I always look away. And can you tell my confidence level lacks.
If I’m such a sweet person why doesn’t anyone like that?
I’m going to try and go out more and have fun with friends. I’m going to work hard at this, I really am. I really want to change.
So having a social life, is the answer to my happiness? That’s it?
inviting interaction is hard, I’m not good at it.
About the tutor if I ask him out won’t it turn things weird? To the point where it’s awkward and he doesn’t want to tutor me anymore? It’s worse if he doesn’t want to go out with me. Especially since this is in an area with other tutors and students are around and can be listening, it’s not in a separate room or anything. And I have a huge crush on this guy not at all close to love I don’t even know him. I really do, I keep talking about him to the friends I do have. I try not to but once I like someone I think way to into it. So I need to chill a bit I guess. I want to get to know him outside the tutor session but if he gives me that opportunity. Its going to get awkward for both of us if the attraction isn’t mutual. And I wouldn’t even want to ask him in front of everyone I would probably end up whispering. How do you give a guy your number? That’s such a desperate move. Isn’t it?
Time flys when im with him. Like when im with him I wish time went slow, I can only go to him once a week cause that’s when he is there. So I guess im already starting to miss him. Like seriously.
Will people ever see what I have to offer as a person?
and yess I will work on smiling more in general, not just around that tutor or guys in general.
And I really think you’d make the best therapist in the future. I think your amazing at it. Maybe someday I’ll be a patient to you, but who knows. I think its something your good at and you should go into it because you can help a lot of people through problems they have like you did with me. Therapists should be appreciated a lot more but to tell you the truth im scared of them. I know what you tell them is completely private but if you give them the therapist name its scares me! And I don’t know its hard to describe how I feel about it.
annashae (link)
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Christ girl, you need to calm down, act more, and think alot less.
Confidence comes from everywhere and nowhere at the same time. It can come from love and affection, it can come from accomplishment, experience, even learning from failure. But most of all it has to come from inside, you have to like yourself enough to just assume that other people (at least some of them) will like you and talk to people with that in mind. Rather than "everyone is a chance to get hurt" you approach the world from a "this person might be really cool, we might get along well, I might have a new great friend" and being ok when that isn't the case.
This is why I brought up therapy. I can give you all the advice in the world but I cannot do a damn thing to help you like yourself or to actively foster self confidence that doesn't come in from the outside.
So yeah, for what help I am able to give a social life is key. I cannot really help you find your own inner confidence because I never had to work out that part for myself. All of my inner fears, insecurities, and self loathing was introduced to me from the outside, rather than being unconfident and teaching myself/being taught to like myself I liked myself and was taught not to. So I really have no idea how to go about that process from your perspective, and suggested therapy because maybe a professional would have alot more good ideas in that regard.
On the tutor, things get weird if you make them wierd. I've asked out girls and continued to be friends with them. They weren't naturally uncomfortable with it, I didn't give a shit because my feelings aren't hurt by "you're cool, but I'm just not into you in that way" rejections, and so we could just hang out. For you, I couldn't say. If you make it uncomfortable, if he makes it uncomfortable, it could get wierd.
That's called risk, and if you hope to date someone without taking a few you're screwed completely.
Will people see what you have to offer? I have. You've opened up around me. But internet is easier to do that with than real life, so you need to go out and practice real life. Realize that social interaction isn't easy for most people, and that everyone practices it, fucks it up, gets it right, learns from mistakes, etc. That's where that social life comes in. Friends make practicing, learning, etc easier. People to tell you that your fuck up wasn't so bad, or that it was but you should learn x, y, and z from it. People to like you even when you're frustrated with yourself and the world around you.
And seriously, think less. Analyze less. You really haven't got a clue about what's going on, so just blunder your way through situations instead of trying to figure them out before hand.
In other words, the next time you see the tutor, ask him out. I don't care how awkward it is, how badly you stutter and stumble. Push yourself. If he isn't interested, tell him (don't ask, tell) that he's an awesome tutor and that outside of wanting to go out to dinner that he helps you and you'd like to keep coming to see him for help with classes.
Note. The above "tell him" isn't about telling him what will happen, it's about telling him what you want. Assertiveness is about expressing yourself clearly. You don't have to dictate what he will do, you dictate what you want to do. You set in no uncertain terms that "unless you object this is what I will do/think/want".
You seem like the kind of person who'd waffle around "is it ok if I still see you?" and insert all kinds of "if you don't want to that's ok" comments and stuff. That's bad. Instead you just flat out declare "I want this" and let them respond to that statement. Don't ask if he has a girlfriend, don't beat around the bush, just "hey, so I've been meaning to tell you, I think you're cute and I'd like to go out to dinner and wear something low cut for you to glance at" or something equally expressive but more suited to your shy demeanor.
Work on doing that more in your life in general (the expressing, not the wearing things that are low cut)
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Glad I’m normal about something-…and that being repressed.
And what do you mean I’m wrong. The “hot” girls always get whoever they want, because all guys go to the hot ones it’s so shallow but true. I’m probably the most depressed you can possibly be. Do guys even care what’s in the inside of a woman? Do they see anything past a woman’s face? I DO!
It is scary how one person can hurt you so much, I want to refrain from guys because of the hurt they cause me but that isn’t the answer to happiness either.
Thanks for all the advice you’ve been giving me, even though you’ve repeated some parts to me, I needed to hear it again and again, sorry if it’s annoying for you.
And the 26 year old was already forgotten after he said I’m just looking for “play”. A friendly hey is all I want to keep that at.
I might be falling for this tutor. Is this wrong? I fall in so easy nowadays, and from a crush it just gets worse. I saw him a couple times around school, and when he was sitting outside class. He seems the quite type because he sat outside his class looking down and staring at his legs, and I saw him like that a couple times, but then when he talks to me while he’s tutoring he is totally open and talks. He’s a student as well, and he’s nice, and makes jokes like how he doesn’t have friends, I don’t know if he’s kidding. And I just smile. When I’m with someone one on one even if I think he’s cute I can talk, maybe I say dorky things sometimes or get nervous but im able to make convo but then when it’s a group im scared of i dont know what. And today I kept putting my writing skills down and he was like don’t make yourself down, and he was like I suck at writing papers too. And hes like you should write mine. And I was like what do you mean you’re good and how are you a tutor if you suck? And he’s like i dont know they just picked me up off the street. I asked him to give my paper a grade and he wouldn’t, he just kept saying im not a teacher and how he would give everyone A’s. Haha he made me smile. Something I don’t do a lot of anymore. I dont know, I keep thinking about him and smiling. Hes a tutor not a teacher, he’s really sweet, and tan, he’s different I don’t know why he jokes about himself the way he does but I like his personality, he makes me laugh. He puts himself down when I say something to put myself down. I don’t know what that means. i like the way laughter feels a lot. I said I suck at English and he heard it and said no you don’t. am I crazy? Is this wrong? I told a couple of my girlfriends and they told me im crazy and have bad taste, but hes quite cute, cause he seems interesting and completely different, unlike the guys that act like tools or Hollister walking billboards.
Thanks so much, you made me tear more than smile, but it was good tears. The things you said was really sweet and I appreciate it, trust me. I’m glad I decided to message you in the first place; you’ve done a lot for me. You just know me from the internet and for you to say those things means a lot.
Oh and anytime I need courage, can I come back here and message you? I don’t want to annoy you, but if it’s okay by you please let me know.
thanks witty,
annashae (link)
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You'd be surprised how often hot girls can't get who or what they really want. Here's the thing, a hot girl is guaranteed attention but alot of the time that attention is not the attention they want. How would you like a boyfriend who didn't give a shit what you had to say or think but just wanted you to look pretty, be agreeable, and be sexual for him?
Probably wouldn't be too thrilled.
Here's the thing about attraction. You see hot girls get what they want and you think it's because they're hot. What it really is is that they are confident because they're hot, because others make them feel valued and it's easier for them to enter social situations without any fear or anxiety as to how they will be perceived. Even when a hot girl is a shitty person someone will treat her like she is attractive and so it becomes easier to not care when one person dislikes you because you know that somewhere out there are more people who won't feel the same.
Alot of this has to do with personality which comes from alot more than just being confident because you're hot.
Ever seen a guy who wasn't stunning with a girl who was, as many would put it, "out of his league"? Even though he doesn't look great he has the confidence to still be himself and not be afraid of people or their judgments, and so the good qualities shine enough that someone takes a fancy to him.
That works both ways. Girls who are confident, assertive, and fun to be around attract guys because they make others feel good about themselves just by interacting with them. The awkwardness melts away eventually and the increased social interaction gives them practice being themselves around others and getting others to like them.
Neither my wife or I are the most physically attractive people in the world. But neither of us have ever had a problem with dating because we both have innate self confidence that we are worthwhile and that has attracted others to each of us because even in a group of hot people once mouths are opened we stand out in a crowd. After all our talks I'm sure you can understand why shortly after people get to know me they tend to like me. It's nowhere near universal, I rub some people the wrong way or they rub me the wrong way and dislike forms, but I have a core group of friends who think I'm an awesome person because I (some of the time) think I'm an awesome person and that lets me relax a bit and be myself, and allow others to be themselves and then we're all having fun around each other.
That's what you need to work towards. Spend more time with friends having fun. Learn to relax, and develop some core friendships who you can depend on and who care about you as much as you care about them. Friends you can go out and do stuff with (like meeting guys and partying and stuff) and who will help you be more open and gregarious than you are naturally at this point.
You mentioned the answer to happiness, the real answer here is to be happy with or without a guy, just in and of yourself. Friends help with this, because when you have a life and go out and have fun, people notice. It makes you more attractive, and more importantly, approachable.
Remember anti-social? That's not all about being unattractive. People can be actively interested and you will never know because when you are so closed up they have a hard time coming up and talking to you. When you look uncomfortable it's hard to know what to say to change that, so people often don't know where to start with talking to you. You need to learn how to invite interaction, and the only real way to do that is to go out and interact, practice, and get better at it.
And it won't be that easy. I found my wife and I hung on for dear life. She has a vibrant personality, a great sense of humor, is as smart as I am if not smarter, and meets all my standards for someone who I want to spend a life with. You may not have thought about it, but at heart you have high standards too, and not everyone is going to meet them. Not every guy is going to be deep enough for you to actually like, not every guy is going to be grounded enough or mature enough.
That just means you need to meet and interact with even more people, rather than less.
Focus on friends, for now. Develop some hobbies that you can do in a group and work on spending time with people who like you who you can go out and be social with.
As for the tutor, say something. Stutter it out, write it out before hand if you have to so you know what you want to say before hand. Keep it short and simple, ask him if he'd like to go get dinner and see a movie with you or something, find out a common interest and see if you can do something about it together.
But don't "fall". Not yet. Don't build him up too much before you've even flirted and definitely not before you've gotten to know him outside of the tutor/tutoree setting. When you like someone who you haven't actively gotten to know in the personal sense and start building up emotions it generally turns out bad. It's not really love (we covered this) and it gets in the way and creates expectations before you even really know what to expect from them.
Just assert yourself. Ask him out. Get to know him. Take a chance. If he says no, tell him he's an awesome tutor and you'd still love to get his help, and give him your phone number in case he changes his mind on the dating part, then just let it go.
Keep your chin up. There's more to who you are as a person than most people are getting to see because you're so shy and worried about how people see you. Keep that in mind when you feel like no one wants you, because it's not like these people know all about you and are making informed decisions. They haven't got a clue, and you need to work on being less scared of being social so that they can start to get one. So you can too, come to that.
Remember how you laugh and smile around the tutor, how things flow so much better and how you feel good just from being around him. Work on being that way more often, not just around guys you like but around everyone. A smile is worth alot to people, it lets them know that you like having them around or being around them. Smile more, and work on your own internal attitudes so that you don't feel so down on yourself that you don't feel like smiling until someone takes the little cloud hovering over your head away.
And write whenever. Sometimes I don't check the website and sometimes you ask questions I think about after reading for a while before I respond, but I've got no problem trying to help.
I plan to be a therapist someday, so talking to the same people on a regular basis about their troubles is kind of in the job description for the career I've chosen for myself.
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I want to let this go. Trust me; I don’t want to hold on any longer. Love is such a big pain; it’s like a spreading disease, painful, and sad without a cure. I don’t want to think about him anymore, I want someone to make me not remember him anymore. I want it to be like we never talked and I never got to know the person he is. I just want to be like eff him, but I cant.
You’re right. It’s crazy how much you understand me, or am I just agreeing to everything you tell me. I feel like your right about everything though because when I think about it I am exactly as you say,
He may have an idea that yes I have feelings for him but that’s so different than telling him how I’ve fallen so much in love with him, how every moment of my life I spend thinking about him, how there’s nothing I want more than the chance to care for him and give him happiness, how I’m so scared I won’t ever move on because with him in my heart and memories it’s impossible. Nothing’s going to change when I tell him but he is the only one I could tell what’s in my heart to empty my feelings for him. It’s filled with love for a man I cannot have, and I need to empty it. He has no idea how every day I wish to be the woman he holds hands with, the woman he comes to with his problems, how much I wish to be the one he comes to when he’s hurt, frustrated, or angry. I want to be the woman to make him smile, and be the reason for his happiness’s, I want to be the woman he sits on the couch and cuddles with while watching a movie, I want to be the woman to make him breakfast in the morning, I want to be the woman he kisses goodnight and good morning every day. I want to be the woman to get him back up on his feet when he falls. I want to be able to hug him and know that everything will be okay. I want to be the one to take care of him when he’s sick. I want to help him succeed, how I want to be the woman to travel the world with, how I want him to be the man to wipe my tears, to hold me near when I’m scared, to care for me more than my parents care for me, to be there of every step of my life & so much more. Is this the same as just thinking a girl likes me? He probably just thinks it’s a crush. .. this is not at all just a crush.
People need to mind their own business in public, and what other people think when they see us would never matter to me. It’s not their life so who are they to judge? But I do care for him so that’s why I didn’t email him an apology. But I feel like I owe him one, even though I don’t deserve to be forgiven, for my childish, selfish, disrespectful behavior. But if no contact is what he wants I have to accept that without him knowing no matter how it affects me.
About 26 year old, if anything I think I come off as annoying. Like legit he doesn’t talk to me like he used to. I’m not the person everyone likes obviously; I don’t know why it’s so hard for me. I try to be social but I’m not. This guy I talk outside of class told me I am anti-social in class. It’s hard for me to let go and talk. Now that I feel he thinks I’m annoying def. not going to tell him he’s cute. He’s probably way out of my league anyway if I even have one. I asked if he had a girlfriend when he were talking and he says he is just looking for “playtime”, no girlfriend, I think at this point I’d get attached to anyone.
Did I make myself repressed or is that just who I am? I guess I’ve been rejected a lot to kill my confidence. I need a bridge because I’m scared of always being hurt. I don’t know what it feels like to be liked in that way. I wish I did. My sisters so lucky, she gets it a lot. I’m freaking 19 years old and have never been liked by a guy. I think I look normal, people say I’m pretty but I don’t feel pretty.
Another question..
I go to this tutor for English and Speech, and he is only there one day of the week. I like going to him because it makes me want to get help, and I hate asking for help, he makes it easy, he’s funny, and very helpful I’m actually doing good in my English classes now unlike high school is it okay if I go every week the day he is there or is that weird? Should I tell him I like getting tutored by him because he helps? He also is a student at the school but just tutors English when he can. He’s only there that one day for a couple hours though. Is it weird/obsessive if I go every week to him??? I have a speech class and English class? This tutor is cute. And he’s easy to talk to but I need help. I’ve been to him twice in the last two weeks, because like I said he only tutors once a week. Will he think I only come to him because I like him or something? That would be bad..
Can you say something that will make me smile before you answer my post? Please? I just want to smile for a couple seconds, forgot what it feels like.
annashae
Thanks witty,
i seriously appreciate all of this. really, i do. (link)
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First off, moving on takes time and to some degree dedication. You have to give yourself the time because getting over love, even one sided love, takes time. Sitting there thinking about what you want isn't going to help you out here, imagining being his and him being yours isn't doing you one bit of good.
Little by little, you need to make yourself stop thinking about it. I say again, occupy yourself. Get a hobby, read a book, play a video game, just do something else. Give yourself something enjoyable to think about which you can make yourself switch to when you dwell.
On the 26 year old, seek greener pastures. You've way over-thought and over-invested in it. Let it go, be nice, and just try not to worry about it. Not everything works out.
Repression...
Repression is fear. When you get down on yourself for not meeting some milestone of having someone or being liked, you encourage fear. When you tell yourself that there are "leagues" and that someone is not in yours, you encourage fear. You fear not being adequate, not being good enough. You need to get a handle on that, because you've got how this works all wrong.
Romance grows out of two people who are themselves around each other and find attraction resulting. You need to work on relaxing yourself and just being yourself.
No, repressed is not "who you are" at all. It's a reaction to fear which anyone is capable of having. Some people are less afraid, some people are more, but everyone is capable of overcoming their own fears and being genuinely themselves. I'm sure that when you aren't paying attention you are yourself. Why then aren't you finding guys who like you?
You just aren't comfortable in enough circumstances. You aren't available for attraction enough. The anti-social description is telling. You are locked up. I think the bridge part is right. You need to spend more time around girls. Find some friends who can help you be comfortable, who can help you build your self esteem and help provide the social interactions you're not great at seeking all by your lonesome.
Friends help you be yourself in situations you'd otherwise have trouble with. Them liking you translates into others liking you because rather than having to show everyone why you like yourself you've got a friend or five who likes you to share the job with.
The tutor thing you're overthinking. You need help, you're getting it. It's natural to gravitate towards teachers who are better at teaching you, not everyone is as good at it and sometimes a specific person is better at teaching other specific people who they understand. He gets you enough to help, it doesn't have to be anything more than that. And no, generally if you don't actively flirt and express interest even if he wonders he's not going to worry about it. Just continue as normal.
And a word of general caution. You are someone with alot of care to give to people. There are many people who will appreciate this, and there are also those who will take advantage of it. People who are black holes who take much and give little if nothing else. Pay attention, don't ever sell yourself short that you should give all you have and accept someone's token return. You are a giver, you need to find other givers. It's alright to be friends with people who aren't, but don't let yourself fall in love with anyone until you really get to know them. No one puts themselves all out on the table immediately in love or friendship, so just keep an eye on yourself and make sure that you don't feel used when you relate to others.
Last, end with a smile. How about this.
In time, with effort, you will get better at putting yourself out there. If you do things you aren't comfy with you will grow comfortable, you will adapt and overcome so long as you don't give up.
As this process continues and you grow as a person, you will meet people who realize exactly what you have to offer. One of those things in particular is love and affection. You are a giver, you are big into vicarious pleasure and vicarious joy. Beyond enjoying the benefits, you will eventually meet people who see this and understand exactly what kind of things you have to offer others and these people will appreciate you in ways you really can't fathom right now.
You want someone to feel the same way, and you are perceptive enough to not settle for less. So while you may not have a long laundry list of ex boyfriends you will spend your time more wisely on guys who see you for who you are and love you all the more for it. The depth you will experience in relationships will be something that few people ever do and most people can only dream of.
Someday, you will meet someone who is capable of seeing all of you and loving you all the more for it. Maybe you won't truly understand who you are as a person until this future guy points it out for you, but you should know that it's there.
You are afraid of leagues and standards but the truth of relationships is the best ones go to those most worthy of real, meaningful, impactful love. You are one of these people, whether you believe it or not. You are absent the petty bullshit, the arrogant self absorption, and the other character flaws which get in the way of the deepest of human connections.
It may take you a while. You may get your hopes up and be disappointed. But if you don't let the failures that are inevitable in life get you down you will eventually find a person who wants the same things you do deep down, who is capable of providing them to you. And then leagues and fears and social awkwardness won't matter, you simply won't be able to keep him away from you no matter what you do.
Just be yourself, and be a little braver each day, and you'll be fine.
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Okay so i guess my question is how can i get my fuck buddy to actually admit her likes me more then a buddy? It all started about 6 months ago we met talked most of the night after me and my roomie were out at the bars.At the time he had had a girl friend and well i never asked we just talked. Then they broke up and and him and I would hook up quite often. Well about 2 weeks ago my roomie went outta town and i didnt wanna be in my conplex by myself as we had recently had a murder happen.My roomate and I had also asked him if he wanted to be a 3rd roomate and he said yes. Well its coming up on the last couple days of 2 weeks during that time he has introduced me to his friends saying things like " ya my girlfriend knows how to cook" but when i gatherd the courage to ask him about the whole girl friend thing i asked him " we arent dating right?" and he responded back no were not. But things he says to me here and there insuaiates gf/bf status but when i ask he says no. All i wanted was someone to stay with me to feel safe and hes only been here maybe 5 nights outta the 2 weeks. Im confused and dont know what to do. Any advice would be much apprecaited. (link)
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Ever heard of communication? State what you want. Ask him if he wants the same. Tell him that if he doesn't it's better you go your separate ways, and if he does you should go out on a date and actually spend some time getting to know each other.
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So I'm doing by best to move on, but I still cry a lot, whenever I think about how his fiance is the most important woman to him, and that he loves nobody but her. it hurts, but she won his heart so i need to forget this "what if thing", its just messing with me. nothings easy though. i need lots of time...
but anyway, i took your advice to talk to guy in chem. I think I am starting to like the person he is, like his personality is the type that gets along with everyone, and he's really nice and funny. he is the type that can keep me laughing, and i like feeling happy. but, he is 26, and I feel he only sees me as nothing more than a potential friend. No i have not flirted with him, because he's a nice guy and I don't want to ruin anything. But i also just want to be like I dig you, but i cannot. I already get jealous when other girls are around them, there not cute or anything but still it bothers me. Like i can never catch him alone and have a convo with him, everybodys always around. But i doubt he would date me, he knows im 19. last week we bumped into each other at the tutoring center and studied and talked, i had fun. I like it when it's just the two of us with nobody around, i'm more open. And it also felt good to make him smile as well. i love the way it makes you feel when your the reason someone smiles.
gah. this is hard.
my life sucks! EVERYONE ELSE DOESNT HAVE TO WORK AS HARD AS I DO. its so much work!!!!!!1
annashae (link)
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You need to let this go.
You want closure of some kind, you want to feel like you were heard. Thing is, by his reaction I'm pretty sure he already knows what you were going to say and wasn't comfortable with expressions of interest. When he told you about his ex-wife he was telling you that he knows exactly how you feel and doesn't want to put himself in a situation where his fiance would question him. And no, it's not really appropriate in any sense. A woman his age he could make a case for legitimately being friends with. People your own age are kind of expected in your friends circle.
A 19 year old on the other hand... well when a guy is with a girl 20 years younger than him for lunch people make assumptions because those assumptions are often correct.
If you really care for him, respect his wishes. As much as it sucks to not get closure, you need to learn to accept that. It happens. When I was 19 the girl I was dating dumped me for her older brother's best friend and married him less than six months later. I got a goodbye voicemail and she refused to answer my calls. I tried to just have one last conversation, to ask why, ask what I did wrong. I never got it.
That's life, sometimes. Closure is not always guaranteed, and what you need to do now is just let this go and move on. You need to stop trying to justify why it's ok to still think about him.
I told you before, occupy yourself. When you start thinking about him, stop yourself. Make yourself think of something else. Do something else. You can't just sit there and wish after something that won't ever be.
On the 26 year old, try to be friends. You need to put yourself out there more, if he isn't interested maybe he's got some friends and one of them will pique your interest. Get out among people and try to be more social. Make some new friends and spend time with them, give yourself something to do on friday nights other than sit at home and pine over the guy(s) who won't ever be yours.
Last, work on asserting yourself. You say you can't tell him you dig him. I say you can. I think you need to. Just go for it. Tell him you think he's cute and you'd like to catch a movie sometime. Accept whatever answer you get. Continue to chat him up and don't hide from him if it's a no.
You make this a million times harder by your approach. You build it up in your head into this huge deal and then if you say something it's far too late. You hold yourself in until you're sure someone likes you back and by the time you figure it out you've likely missed your chance. Shy isn't the same thing as repressed and the way you're acting is repressed. Shy people can still take risks. I know shy people who have asked people out. They might stutter a bit, it might be terrifying, but they take the leap.
You're trying not to leap. You want a bridge there before you step off into air. It doesn't always work out that well. In fact, it rarely ever does. Seldom do two people figure out they're interested in each other at the same time in such a way that they can just be like "Yeah, you too? Awesome!"
Most of the time it's a bit scary for everyone involved.
If 26 year old continues to seem uninterested don't dwell on it. I'd suggest actually telling him you think he's cute. If he isn't interested don't take it as an insult or be upset over it. Maybe you aren't his type, maybe you were too shy and there wasn't a spark, maybe he's interested in someone else and you never really had a shot. Just accept the world for what it is, and move on.
You'll be alot happier when you see that mentality as a good thing.
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Ok so im like 13 now and i think i got a promblem. i love sex..... like at night i take my hairbrush and shove it up my you know what. and now its all i think about! i want to stop but i don't know how.
Last week i went to a sleep over and i slept with a guy(naked) in a sleeping bag. and (this part is gross) i let him finger f***k me. He say he loved me and now any time i see him he wants to invite to his room. So (i was not thinging) i said yes! the next thing i knew we were doing it. he still likes me, but i fell sooooo bad. i mean i can't even stand next to him (or any guy) without feeling horny! I don't what to do!! so, am i a slutty freak? (link)
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A big part of this is puberty, the rest is a naturally high sex drive.
Being your age, not having the experience with yourself it's harder to control the urges, to put them within a frame of reference and understand them enough to let them out when you choose vs whenever they get too strong.
Being in puberty literally fills you with hormones which make being horny much more difficult to ignore. I knew a guy who sat behind his girlfriend in algebra 2 and failed a test because she wore some lacy underwear for him that he could see from behind her and all he could think about the entire test was sex. It can be frustratingly persistent at times.
Masturbate more. Self pleasure helps take the edge off so you're not walking around as horny as you might otherwise be. Beyond that, if you're going to choose to be sexually active find a steady boyfriend and try to have a relationship. Having a single steady partner is better than giving in randomly, less chance of STDs and more chance you can make him be responsible with you. Talk to your parents about birth control and always use condoms to make sure that you don't get yourself pregnant either.
Set some rules for yourself. Don't have sex with a guy who isn't your steady, exclusive boyfriend. Force yourself to go through the dating and liking each other part for a while (weeks to months) before you have sex with him and fill in the gaps with more self pleasure. Develop a relationship which will let you have a safer outlet for your sexual desires.
It's hard, but you're going to have to work on your self control. It's worth it when you put sex aside long enough to actually find someone you like and date them though, because once you have a boyfriend you can have alot more sex than if you're just using whatever guy is convenient to satisfy your overpowering urges. Plus, it helps with control when you know you have a guy in your life who cares about you and is ready, willing, and able to sleep with you. When you don't have to worry about where your next lay is coming from, you can put it out of your mind until the appropriate moments much more easily.
Above all, fight to control your urges so that they don't control you. It's difficult, it can be incredibly frustrating, but in the end it's entirely worth it. You will probably have an unusually high sex drive for life, it'll calm down once you're out of puberty but that's mostly in reference to being easier to control and ignore when you need to. You still might very well want to have sex every single day of your life and that will be regularly impossible.
You'll feel immensely better about yourself if you learn to control it and ignore it now so that you don't feel out of control and helpless later.
A note: The refocusing ideas presented below are good. Focusing on something entirely non sexual can work wonders when you're out of your mind with horny. I used books, I'm an avid reader, and it's hard to be horny when you're thinking about the book you're reading or actually sitting there reading one. John Grisham, Michael Criton, JK Rowling, Stephen King, Alexandre Dumas, and a number of other authors helped keep me sane throughout high school. Books might not be the magic bullet for you, but something well could be. Find a hobby that you can quietly indulge anywhere. I know a girl who took up knitting and made herself sweaters and such. She only ever knitted when she didn't have a boyfriend, but she still managed to turn out enough socks to supply half the school with a pair.
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I Like this boy and I dont know if he likes me back i think he does. He asked for my number he wants to kiss he talks about how big my butt and boobs are and how he wants to bang(have sex) with me, he said he likes my smile my "sexy body" and just everything about me. Awww cute is what i thought. Ohh and i must add hes still a virgin. Im not, but he i told him i am. i moved down here so he has to believe what i said because he doesnt know my past. BUT anyway, he just talks about sex alot like oh when you going to let me hit that. sometimes i think hes just doing it because he wants me to think hes down for those kindah things. i Think that because hes still virgin and hes gorgeous! he hasnt admitted that he likes me but from what he says i think he does. what should i do continue talking to him or just find someone new? (link)
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You both sound incredibly shallow and immature, you both seem to like each other based on nothing more than physical appearance and sexuality, so you honestly seem perfect for each other.
It's all going to come crashing down in a decidedly ugly fashion very quickly as you spend enough time around each other to both realize the other person has pretty much nothing else to offer but sex and crude attraction, but for the time being when you're both children who want to be stupid together it sounds like you're both after what the other person can provide.
Don't get yourself knocked up or anything, the babies would have an IQ of somewhere around 45.
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I have a boyfriend but he doesn't interest me.I akways fantasize about woman and only girl on girl pornography turns me on!sexy girls excite me!I look at girls more then guys and have been like this for many years!I have done stuff with females and loved it!am I a lesbian?I am a 22year old girl!help (link)
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Yeah, probably.
The scale is not only gay, bi, straight though. You can like both but have a significant preference for one sex or the other. There are plenty of bi people who prefer the same or the opposite sex, or who can have sex with either but only really connect emotionally to one.
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