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Razhie. Advicenators Member Since: June 13, 2005. Answers: 5077. Visitors: 211514.
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The Question
hello, i wanna start taking the pill im 21 and im very nervous i dont trust condoms so i have the money and everything i dont care about going to get them , the only problem is , is it really necesarry to go to see a doctore before start taking them? or do i just get them and start the process? why do you need to go see a gynecologist if in fact i need to ? im very stressed out and its not easy to get an appointment with a gynecologist cause first id have to go into general apoointment with a general medicine doctor, then they could send me with the gynecologist etc...cause thats how health system works where i live, we don't have planned parenthood things here i am not from the US, why do they say you need to see your doctor before being put on the pill? cant i just buy it and start taking it ? thanks !
The Answer
You must see a doctor before you start taking it.
Birth control is a prescription medication pretty much everywhere. I'm betting even where you live. That means you can't simply go to a store and buy it like Tylenol or cough syrup.
It's a prescription medication for a good reason - it's not right the medication for everyone and can have side effects and issues for some people - that's why you need a doctor to make sure you healthy beforehand, and in most cases, they follow up with you three months after you begin taking it as well.
See a doctor. Your health is worth the trouble.
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The Question
i have a uti and i can't pee cause it burns. how do i get rid of the burning?
The Answer
You see a doctor to get the antibiotics you need to cure the urinary tract infection.
You can minimize the burning by drinking lots and lots (some people find cranberry juice is particularly good for minimizing the pain) and peeing often - since that keeps the bacteria from building up so much.
You have to bite the bullet and go pee even though it hurts, then drink as much as you can bare and keep going to the bathroom often - it will hurt less that way.
However, that just manages the pain. For a cure, you need to see a doctor.
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The Question
20/f. With my mom, most of the time, it's either her way or the highway. She doesn't know how to compromise and when she doesn't get her way, she usually throws a tantrum. I mean, not anything serious. Just like doesn't speak to the person responsible for her not getting her way, locking herself in her room, telling people to leave her alone. I find it very difficult because I'm an adult now and I want to compromise with her like an adult. Let me give you an example. I'm in college, but I live at home. She likes to pick out clothes for me to wear to school. Not because she thinks I'm a baby but because she's really into fashion. She use to be a make-up artists and almost went to school for fashion merchandising/marketing. So, that's kind of her thing. So, I let her. But, I don't always like the same things she likes. Most of the time, i do because she has good taste. But, sometimes I don't. That's natural. So, if I don't want to wear what she wants me to wear, she claims that I hate her, I don't want to be anything like her, and gets mad. If I do something to my hair without "consulting" with her first, she claims that I don't want her to be a part of my life. So she got a facebook account and spies on the guy Iike, looks through all his wall, pictures, etc and then reports to me. I NEVER asked her to do that. In fact, I don't really want to know. I just like him. He's not my boyfriend... yet ;)... or my husband... yet ;). haha. But, you get what I mean. It's not like she has to spy because I'm married or because she thinks I'm secretly sneaking out with him. I'm 20! When I've tried to talk to her about stopping this behavior, she gets REALLY pissed off. She won't speak to me for hours and then when I speak to her and tell her to forget about it, she's like "YAY, LETS GO SHOPPING" or something like that and doesn't let me ever tell her how I feel about what she's doing.
To make an extremely long story short, I had some "control issues" about a year and a half ago because my mom was worst than she is now. I went anorexic and while I was that thin, I bleached my hair (mom's idea), and a lot of it fell out. Now, I have hair extensions. I've had them for about a year and a lot of my hair has grown back and is REALLY NICE. It's even my natural color, which is like a very pretty ash brown. While I have the extensions on, my mom won't let me brush my own hair or blow dry it or anything. She has possession of it pretty much. I almost lost my life because of control issues, and now she still has control over me, probably more than before because I use to do my own hair at least, when I was anorexic. I do appreciate the fact that she does my hair for me. That's sweet. But, I think it's gotten beyond the point of grateful, and now I'm more upset than anything because I need my own space and she doesn't understand or believe it. I just don't know what to do or how to handle her because she's not a person you can talk to about her behavior. What can I do? Please help me because right now I can't move out of my house until fall because that's the next time I can get a dorm. Sometimes I wish I would have left for college but everything is here, you know. I love my school, I have a full scholar ship and I'm halfway done, so I'm not going to transfer now. Can anyone give me any suggestions. And please don't say move out because right now, I don't have the money. I need to know how to deal with her while I'm still here.
The Answer
You need to stop letting her do this.
If she locks herself in her room and cries, go make yourself a sandwich. You need to stop taking responsibility for her fucked up emotional life. If she wants to make herself sick with unhappiness, that is her business. You can't save her from it.
If she screams "You hate me!"
Tell her "Of course I don't, but I do hate when you behave this way. So this conversation is over until your tantrum is done."
And go close your door.
If she pouts and ignores you for a few hours. Fine! Enjoy the silence. When she feels like not being a bitch, she’ll come back to you.
Stop talking to her about her behaviour. Instead, stop accepting the behaviour that is inappropriate.
Comb your own damn hair, when she complains, walk away from her.
You are letting her walk all over you because she is crazy. Stop being responsible for her crazy. Let her be crazy, in some other room of the house. You are accepting this behaviour from her because you feel it’s easier to take it than to tell her you won’t take it anymore. That’s fine, but that’s the choice you are making. If you want the situation to change, you are going to have to the very scary and stressful thing of changing your response to her. There is no easy way to do that. You just have to dive in and not give in.
And work on moving out ASAP. Make a plan to move out before the fall if it at all possible. It will be difficult to become truly healthy while living in this unhealthy environment.
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The Question
17 years old/female/110 pounds
story short: after one beer I get nauseous and feel like i need to throw up. This happened about 3 or 4 times and I don't know why. I started drinking in the 9th grade and everything was fine. I'm not a party girl at all but I do go one at least once a month and I've never lost control. I drink to socialize, not to pass out. so..Is this normal? Is my tolerance just really low? What should I do?
The Answer
A food intolerance is the most likely culprit.
I have an intolerance to the casks that mosts white wine and most kinds of beer are fermented in, that I didn’t quite recognize until my mid twenties. Allergies and food intolerances do change and shift over your life span, so it's perfectly possible beer just doesn't make your body happy at the moment.
You should get a physical, and mention this. Most young girls in our society don’t eat well, and that could be contributing to this. But it’s never a bad idea to go get a physical (most young girls in our society skips these – don’t.)
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The Question
I've...sigh...I was dating this great guy for almost 3 months. Things were great, he's great albeit sometimes a little distant. He's sort of introverted and is used to his independence. Maybe I pushed too hard on trying to find a label or I didn't know how to ask how he felt about me. We had had a conversation that he wasn't ready for a relationship, but being exclusive with me was the thing for him. Which is ohh I dunno...a relationship. Whatever. I know he likes me and I like him too, and miss him.
It was mutual I guess, I didn't want to trap anyone into a relationship they didn't want to be in and he wasn't ready to admit that IT was what he was in and liking it. Either way we broke it off and the next day I texted me and he asked me for time to think things over. We've been texting all week. Sometimes I won't text him at all, and he'll initiate communication, online or over text. We'll talk and ask about each others day...it's torture. It's been going on for about a week and there hasn't been a night were I haven't cried. I play it cool and never mention the issue at hand and he does the same. But the separation is really hurting me. I tend to be uncomplicated and like things to the point, so this waiting period is kinda painful. But I think he's worth it. I know we miss each other, and I've been waiting for him to just step up and say what he I know is in his heart...but he's so scared. I can tell.
This morning I wrote a letter to him explaining everything from my end. What I feel, how I'm willing to give him time, and if he'd just give me a high sign if he thinks we can get back together and get through this bump in the road together. I haven't made up my mind to send it or not. Help? Please?
The Answer
You need to stop speaking to him.
What you are failing to recognize is that YOU are the one who needs space to mourn the relationship, and to let it truly end.
Just like you needed more relationship than he wanted, you now need more space than his wishy-washy definition of space entailed.
This is a guy who likes to live in the mushy-middle, and frankly, it’s abusive to your partner to always keep things in limbo like that. He’s being cruel, selfish, and self-absorbed (even if it’s unintentional) it’s still what he is doing.
And you need to tell him to stop. Stop contacting you. Stop texting. Stop speaking to you. Stop going through the motions of togetherness while not actually being together. It’s contradictory and hurtful, and he needs to stop. Since he doesn’t have the decency to figure that out on his own – you need to tell him to stop.
Stop playing it cool. It’s not cool. It’s wrong of him to behave this way. It’s great if you want to give him time, but he has to take that time away from you, in a space away from you were he isn’t victimizing you. Only then do every have a chance of reuniting without resentment and anger is by telling him to handle his own shit and give you a call when he is done.
Send your message – but tweak it. Instead of saying “This situation we are in is okay for a little while… if it’s leading somewhere…” which is not true. This situation isn’t okay – it’s killing you. Tell him the truth instead “What we are doing right now isn’t okay. It’s hurting me and causing me a lot of misery. I need to you decide if you want to be my friend, or if you want to work through this and try to be together again. Don’t contact me again until you know which path you’d like to walk down. Thank you.”
Don’t destroy yourself while he makes up his mind. No one has a right to abuse you in that way. Don’t jump on his wishy-washy emotional rollercoaster with him. Tell him to drop you a line when the ride is over.
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The Question
16/f
I have a friend, and he's one of my closest friends. I've known him for over two years now, ever since he was a little sophomore. He was never really very confident, so I helped him out by helping encourage the girls (who clearly had crushes on him) go for him.
Lately, he got his first, not girlfriend, but fuckbuddy, and suddenly gained all this confidence, which I always knew he should have had to begin with, because he's such an amazing guy. I admire him a lot and care for him dearly, and we used to be very touchy and close (platonically).
One night, we were snuggling and I told him how happy I was for him, and he thanked me. But, when I asked him about his fuckbuddy, he could only answer me begrudgingly that "she's not a very good person" and that "it's always hard to find a girl dateworthy."
Then, we just kept cuddling, and suddenly, out of nowhere, he began getting really touchy. He started to feel me up and I didn't really know what to do, because he'd always said he'd never do anything with me because he cares a lot about me and respects me. But, that night he ended up fingering me and afterwards, we made out and had oral sex.
Now, he can barely look at me. He doesn't talk to me anymore, and as for the affectionate hugs or any affection at all, there's none. A little while after we hooked up, I learned from the girl that he'd been hooking up with, that they'd stopped and hadn't done anything for two weeks.
Why, if we've been such close friends for over two years, is he acting so awkward towards me now? I used to be his little sister, and now he can barely talk, much less, look at me. Does the fact that he just HAPPENED to not get any for weeks mean he just used me, because he happened to be really horny? He's my best friend and I love him a lot, but I feel like he doesn't respect me very much now...because, he always said he respected me and cared for me too much to ever do anything with me. This all came out of nowhere and I'm scared I've lost my friend.
Could someone, a guy preferably, please give me some advice and help me understand just what exactly might be running through his head right now?
Thanks a bunch.
The Answer
He's finding himself and figuring himself out.
It's not a 'guy' thing. I did similar things to old friends while I was discovering my sexuality and sexual comfort. There is nothing that can confuse you more than interacting closely with someone in a new way, after you've undergone a huge shift in your life.
The best thing you can do, is send him a quick message and say "Look, I know it was weird and I wished it hasn't happened, but I want you to know I love you and respect you and I want to be your friend again - whenever you feel ready."
It probably isn't that he doesn't respect you - only that is confused right now about how to be respectful in this new bizarre situation. He is probably asking himself the same questions you are, and beating himself up for it ("Was I using her? Was I just being a horndog and ruined our friendship? Am I total asshole?")
I doubt he is acting this way because he doesn't respect you. It's more likely he is ashamed, and don't know how (or if) to ask for forgiveness.
Offer him your friendship - make sure he knows it's there if he can accept it. Then do your best to give him the space he needs to process the changes his life is undergoing.
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The Question
So, my girlfriend is extremely hot. Im not kidding. Recently she's really been pissing me off and i have considered on several occasions to just break up with her. But that means no more sex with this babe. I dont know what the hell to do.
The Answer
If you are only staying with a girl to fuck her, you are an asshole.
Not much advice I can give you hun. Either you want to break up with her, or you don't want to break up with her. But if the only reason you don't break up with her is for the orgasms, you are an asshole.
My best advice: Don't be an asshole.
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The Question
I have this very young teacher and lately He keeps on winking and smiling at me, or just hugs me randomly when there is no one around.he also keeps on talking to me even whenever other students are around and he kind of ignores the others
im getting afraid of him and my friends start laughing whenever he does something.
does this mean he likes me and he is into me?
how can i find out? and how can i tell him to stop?
i still go to school btw.
The Answer
You don't need to wait to find out how serious he is. What is doing is wrong now.
Next time he tries to touch you, say "No."
Loudly, clearly, say "Don't hug me. Stop."
If he doesn't stop, talk to your principal.
He's making you uncomfortable, and he needs to stop.
If you don't feel you can tell him to stop yourself, talk to a teacher or guidance counselor you can trust, and tell them what is happening.
His behavoir is inappropriate, and it's abusive for a teacher to do this. You would be perfectly right to tell him to stop it. You'd also be perfectly right to speak to an adult and get their help.
It doesn't matter why he is doing this. Don't try to understand why. What matters is that he must stop. Do whatever you need to to make sure he gets the message that he needs to stop it.
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The Question
Welp, there is this kid I like he's my age and we have two classes together. His name is Joey. Well, Joey I guess you could call him the "class clown" but sometimes he's sort of serious in a sarcastic way.. if you catch my drift. It's not like Joey and I are complete strangers we know each other and have talked on more than one occasion. You can consider us 'friends' I suppose. A couple weeks ago Joey sends me a text saying "We should get to know each other better" I think there was a little bit of truth to it but more of just something to say to me. So I just responded with "Hahaha, okay Joey." And that conversation faded away.
Here's what really bothers me. In last period Joey sits right next to me to the left and my other guy friend, Andy, sits behind Joey. And my good girl friend, Brianna, sits to the left of Andy. If you can picture this. Well, when we have a few minutes to spare at the end of class to talk those two guys always turn towards Brianna and those three talk. I sometimes am joined in the conversation but not typically. It really bothers me. And it's basically the reason I don't like hanging out with Brianna and am glad she is moving next year. Sounds terrible but I am tired of her getting all the attention. It is not like she is better than me at all in any way. It just get tired some.
May I add that whenever I tell her of a guy I am into she always loves to tell me about how they hung out or a conversation they had or how he was 'talking' to some other chick... Like I don't want to hear it. I don't think she does it on purpose but it does discourage me.
In the end I just want more attention from guys than her.. so whatta say?
The Answer
There will always be some girl out there who is getting more male attention then you.
If you want to be happy, you are going to need to get the fuck over it.
It's okay to feel this way sometimes - it's natural and normal - but when it's bugging you this much, you need to do a bit of personal work to let it go.
Or better yet, when the class ends next time, START talking to Joey, or to Briana, if she is one who creates group conversations.
She is better at you at one thing apparently: She is better at getting and keeping conversations going (maybe that is part of why she is a gossip when it comes to guys you like - she is good at generating conversation, even conversations you don't quite like). Instead of resenting her, you could learn from her. She's got something you want. Watch her and figure out if you like her way of getting it. If you like some of her ways of starting conversations or keeping them going - start using those approaches yourself.
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The Question
Ok well i am 14 and a girl
My "father" moved in with us 3 years ago when we were living with a family member
From the 1st sec i hated him
When he got to the house he started telling us what to do and being mean
A year after that my "mom" and "dad" bought a house without telling me or my brother which we all decided they would tell us
They bought a crap house where the air conditioning was bad, a big oil pipe in the backyard, and old wooden floor. (THERE WE BETTER HOUSES BUT "HE" WANTED THE WORST ONE))
Next he yells a lot and i am a person that would say "the hell would help you" when i get yelled at
So he would always get mad instead of listening to my mom (she is sweet and i love her will all my heart but i really do think that she is complete retard) about getting a moving van to move he made my older brother do all the work of moving and "he" would call my bro a retsrd and that he could not do anything right while he just stood there
He took 20 round trips with my brother and my mom had to buy the gas
Then we got a bunny and he took my bunny outside (a cage with pipes as walls)
PS i am an animal lover and future vet!
I told "him" not to and that he would run away
we i came back from dinner my bunny was gone
But like always he would do whatever the hell he wanted (all in 1 1/2 years)
List of "him"
-anger problems
-bought old crap to call furniture instead of my cousin new couches that she offered to give us
- Curses all the time (before he came into our lives we would never curse at all but then they started)
- called the puppy we got mine when he punishes her and he chooses everything
-he yells at my mom and she takes it (she is a retard like i said)
- he tease me because in am shorted then normal
-calls my mom names
-keeps on saying that "then i will got back" whenever my mom got mad at him
-he has no job and does nothing around the house
About me
- I hate cleaning i get allergies
-i can't wash dishes because i would get a cold
-i have a lot of homework and projects to help me mom cook
-i love new things so my mom buys some like every 5 months
oh yeah also i had 2 surgeries and the first time we had to stay in a hotel after he stole the remote, changed what i was watching to some movie with cow crap in it and i get sick with that)
Cause of that i slept on the floor a few hours after my surgery
I asked my mom so many times to divorce him cause in all we all hate him even his own siblings
Well there is WHOLE lot more of thing he did that i hate him for
1.what i am asking is am i right for hating him so d**** much
2.should my mom divorce him?
3.would you hate him
THANK YOU FOR READING AND SORRY FOR THE LONG DETAILS
IF YOU WANT TO KNOW MORE JUST EMIL ME :D
also he is my real dad we can my mom, brother, and i came here 8 years ago
3 years ago "he" got his greencard
and i have been trying to cope with him but they alway end up bad the last time this happened:
my brother, dad and i went shopping for fish (during the move i lost "erick" my 4 year old betta fish that i loved with all my heart i kept his tank" "he wanted to use my erick's tank for his new cheap fish (all the fish that went into that tank after erick died. that tanks) the tank ment the world to me because it was the every last time that i was happy for real cause when we got to the new house my other 8 year old dog died by getting hit by a car-he was the only one that went out that morning
ok well he started screaming cause i would not let him use it and i told him from the begining
he yelled at me for 10 mins and when my mom came in he yelled at her to saying how "you don't teach your childern anything" well to make it short he yelled at me to take it out of the living room if i would no use it and i cried for the whole evening (i am very sensetive when people are mean to me especilly about my pets)
my mom had to bring me food first before she went to work because i would not go down stairs
The Answer
Your father might be the nastiest, most evil man to every walk on this earth, but anyone who reads this question darling is also going to have to admit that you aren't a ray of sunshine either.
You are demanding and have a sense of entitlement that is shocking, and you express your anger very, very poorly. You throw tantrums.
Your father was actually fair to say that if you were going to refuse to have the tank used for any other fish, then you should remove it from the shared room in the house. That was a fair request. He might have been a total asshole about how he said it (and I'd bet, you weren't exactly clear and calm about the way you responded either) but he still had a point.
I'm sorry you are in a tough place. I'm sure it sucks. Unfortunately there is no law against mean people having kids. But the way to make it suck less isn't to go around screaming until you make yourself sick. That only makes things worse for you. Throwing these tantrums only makes everyone more stressed and angry, and you're contributing to your own misery.
Learn to take deep breaths, and think calmly before you react. Your father might never be any better than the lousy, nasty, name-calling jerk he is today HOWEVER, that doesn't mean you get to behave just as selfishly and awfully.
Stop trying to act out to punish him - it's not going to work. You need to get calmer and more proactive in the way you address things. He might never be any better, but if you chill out and work on being more accepting and humble, YOU'LL be happier even if the situation still sucks.
You are 14 years old hun. You are too old for these tantrums. You need to find a better way to handle conflict and disappointment.
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The Question
i went to a shrink once just to see what he thought of me. He told me i stimulated myself through illegal activities which i think is true. I do illegal things to keep me from being depressed or lonely because they make me not care anymore or be sad. Anyways, he told me that adderall was for people that needed stimulation and was also good for depression. My mom won't let me be prescribed anything so i started taking adderall myself and got it from my friends. When i take it i feel great and dont need to do illegal things to feel good about myself or keep me from being bored. But days that i don't take it, i feel even worse than i did before and now i dont want to stop taking it but i have none left because i'm not prescribed it. what should i do? am i addicted to it or something? i feel even worse than before i started taking it
The Answer
You need to go talk to your doctor.
Adderal is an amphetamine, that means it's addictive, it also means the withdrawal from it is awful.
Your problem isn't going to be solved until you find a legal, acceptable means of getting help. Go talk to a doctor. Adderal might not be the answer, but only a doctor will know. Go see one, and tell them the complete truth.
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The Question
19/F Sometimes, I eat way too much sugar in one sitting. What would it take to give myself diabetes? Not that I want to. Like, how much would I have to eat in one sitting and how often? Take into consideration that I am at an average weight.
The Answer
Type 2 diabetes isn't really solely about how much sugar you eat. Someone with diabetes might have eaten just as much sugar in their life as someone the same age who doesn't have diabetes.
Genetics play a huge factor, but even more important are other health factors like being overweight and inactive, or having high blood pressure. Those are the larger contributors to developing diabetes than the amount of sugar you consume.
(Type 1 is a different deal - some people are just born with it. It doesn't seem to be dependent on lifestyle or health factors. You just have it, the way you have brown eyes.)
Developing type 2 diabetes is not terribly well understood, but simply eating a lot of sugar isn't gonna do it. It might contribute to you developing diabetes (especially if you have other risk factors: like family members who have diabetes, or if you are overweight...) but it's not Too Much Sugar = Diabetes.
If you stay active and otherwise healthy, and just eat a shit load of sugar - you'll probably get cavities - but you'll only be increasing your risk of diabetes slightly. The other triggers play a much bigger part. If you have other risk factors - like a family history and poor health - then you should talk to your doctor and eat better. If you don't - you should probably eat better anyways - but it's unlikely you'll 'give' yourself diabetes. You'll have about the same risk as anyone else with no family history and no other health issues - which is a small risk.
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The Question
Please do not judge me if you are dont bother leaving a comment. Im stressed out enough please. I just recently found out i am pregnant and im so unsure of who the father is. My last period was Dec 16-20th I had sex Dec 25th, And then again Jan 1st. My due date is Sept 26th, Im confused i dont understand at all and i have no idea what to do. Alot of people say sperm stays in your body for 5 days, i dont know how true that is. Id like to get a dna test while im pregnant if anyone knows anything about them id really appreciate it.
The Answer
There are DNA tests that can be done before birth - but they are elective, and almost never covered by insurance unless there is some real concern (like a known risk of a genetic issue that could make the pregnancy impossible to carry to term, or a suspicion the newborn might need a lot of special medical treatment right away...).
Those sorts of DNA tests are very expensive.
It is true that sperm can stay in the body and fertilize an egg - even for up to seven days.
All things being equal, if you have a very regular cycle, it's a bit more likely that the January 1st gentleman is the father. Simply because of when you are more likely to be fertile. Of course - that is just an educated guess. It could still be either.
Talk to your doctor for more guidance and details, but you'll likely need to wait until you give birth and can do a proper DNA test to know for sure.
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The Question
My husband and I have a girlfriend but he is into it more than I am. It was my idea to keep our relationship interesting and to be honest it kind of turns me on to think of him with another woman BUT at times I find myself getting somewhat jealous of this other woman. I don't know if it is a good idea to continue this if I get jealous when he kisses her or texts her. But at the same time I like watching them have sex especially if I am apart of it. I'm worried that my emotions are going to cause this relationship to cause problems with my husband and I. I know he is enjoying this and all I want is for him to be happy. I don't want him to get bored with me. But I don't know if it is wise to continue this if I am not 100% happy with this arrangement. I am also 9 months pregnant so that may have something to do with why my emotions are up and down about this. I'm torn...
The Answer
Go to a bookstore, or order online, a book called "Opening Up: A Guide to Creating and Sustaining Open Relationships" by Tristan Taormino.
openingup.net/about/
You and your husband haven't laid a clear enough foundation for your open relationship if you don't have a way to address these concerns with him.
There are more questions that need to be asked, and answered, before you can both find out what kind of openness is right for your relationship. What you describe here isn't how open and polyamorous relationships are successful - this is how the get a bad rap.
It’s okay to be conflicted and confused, but you need to develop tools you can use, and tools you can use together, to deal with those emotions when they arise. You are rarely going to be 100% happy with anything in your life. Even your new baby, who you will 100% love, will make you want to hurl things at the wall sometimes.
But to make sure you are always open to happiness and on the path towards happiness, you need to start a real investigation into how these things function successfully. You might consider seeking couples therapy with a sex-positive relationship counsellor.
Don't under estimate yourself or undermine yourself, and don’t do something just to please others. Openness adds something to a couple’s shared life when it promotes the happiness of both individuals, not when one person’s needs or happiness are trumped for the others.
In short: You aren’t doing this right. You need to back up and start this from a better informed place. Read, at least one book, ideally more, and talk to a supportive therapist, perhaps join a social group or even online community for couples with open marriages. You need more information then you have if this is going to work for you all.
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The Question
My friend was speaking to my ex boyfriend about us both and she said 'We Can all see you two are meant to be, I hope you work it out' and he replied and said 'Yeah, well we don't know what the future holds for us both'
Why did he say that? I guess on some levels it's true but why would he say that?
The Answer
To be polite.
ANYTHING else he could have said to her would have been rude. It was the only appropraite answer to give.
Based on only this comment, the only thing we can tell is that your ex isn't a complete asshole. If you need more information than that, you'll need to actually speak with him, not rely on off handed remarks passed on to you by others.
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The Question
I really don't know how to handle my wife, how to talk to her or deal with her. We're a young married couple, I'm 26 and she's 21, been married for over a year now and been together on and off for seven.
We both want kids. She wants kids now, and I want them some day. I'm not ready to be a father, certainly not ready to be any kind of role model for anyone, and we've both got school to get through. Thing is, she'll be done with school in less than two years and I want to go to med school, which with the late start I got due to not having the money to go is going to be at least another six or seven years.
She wants to have her first kid at 25. We both know this isn't possible, but because she has the baby bug now she sees 25 as a compromise.
That's not going to happen with me. I try to avoid this conversation because that is the flat out truth, I will not be having kids with her when she is 25 and I am 30. I will still be in school, possibly med school, I will not be able to be a father during that period.
She wants a definite date, and I can't give her one. She puts it on me to answer her, and this conversation comes up about every month or two ending in a fight each time because the answer never changes. The truth is that I don't know. I'm an undergrad at a shitty community college. I don't know how long it will take to get back into a decent university via transfer, I don't know that I will get into med school the first year I apply, I don't know how things will be five years from now.
But we always come back to her point of view. "This is my priority, everything I'm doing I'm doing so we can have kids". As condescending as it probably is, I cannot take her seriously. She's 21, I'm 26 and I'm not ready to be a father, and knowing that its literally biological clock issues that keep this on her mind make it difficult for me to have any level of patience with her when she gets all over me demanding answers and timetables and making veiled threats about "maybe if our priorities are this different we need to rethink things". When I get angry at her for making empty relationship threats during irrational periods I'm the asshole. When I tell her the truth I'm the asshole. When I try to avoid the conversations entirely I'm the asshole.
I know that what she feels is real and visceral, but she knows we cannot have kids any time soon, she knows I hate her pressuring me for answers that I do not have, timetables I cannot be sure we will be able to meet.
She flat out told me it's my job to comfort her, to give her what she needs here. To me, that's unreasonable. This is a partnership, and she uses that very word against me because she has an emotional desire to have kids which in many ways outweighs the logical rational knowledge that it cannot and will not happen right now.
I'm reaching the end of my rope. She's got a billion reasons why it needs to happen as soon as possible. Every one of them is, to her, entirely valid. If I disagree with her I'm not being sensitive to her needs and feelings. If she disagrees with me her thoughts are right and mine are wrong because she's the woman and she will have to carry the thing. I mean, she's repeatedly used the "my body won't recover from the pregnancy as well if I'm older" line to justify wanting to have it sooner. She's quoting autism statistics and studies and yelling at me that the five percent increased chance of complications from 30 to 35 is something that needs to motivate me to move my ass.
She wants to see me freaking out as much as she is. Her biggest problem is that, at this point, I don't think about kids. I have too many other goals to accomplish before they are a realistic possibility, I'm fighting for us to have a cohesive life that isn't living paycheck to paycheck before kids are a desire or consideration for me. She is angry at me, I feel like, because she is a woman with hormonal urges to have kids that make her think about this daily, and I am a dude who has nothing of the sort so I am focused on our goals, the things we need to and can accomplish. She wants me to obsess about children as much as she does. She knows it isn't and won't happen, because whatever biological clock I might have is entirely overridden by logic, and it makes her mad that I don't get it and don't feel like being harassed by her because of it. I can empathize with her when she is prepared to be reasonable, but right now she is not, and I'm getting really goddamn sick of it.
Therapy is not an option (uninsured and broke) so keep that in mind and if you're under 25 you do not have the life experience to give me an opinion I will respect (no offense intended) but if you're over 25 give me a perspective, ideas, anything.
Paging Rahzie to the front.
The Answer
Paging Razhie? Dude, you just made my day. At the same time, I'm worried I won’t be able to return the favour.
So, your girlfriend. Is she being unreasonable? Yep.
People in your life - even ones you love - will occasionally be completely unreasonable.
Much more important question:
Is she being honest?
Is she being honest about her needs as she sees them? Is she being honest when she says "I need a date I can my ovaries in gear or I'm going to go bat shit crazy, make us both miserable and possibly end the relationship."?
NOTE: I’m going to give you advice on the assumption she IS being honest. Since she is your wife, I’m also going to assume you want to continue the marriage. I’m going to answer the rest of your question assuming that she isn’t insane or malicious, but it someone you love and want to be with and have children with at some point.
So, Is she being honest? I’m going to assume yes, she is.
And that is where respect come into play: You don't need to respect her behaviour around this disagreement necessarily (some of that behaviour certainly sucks the big one) but you do need to respect her enough to believe she says what she means and she means what she says.
AND you need to tell her that you are going to trust her to say what she means. Telling her you are going to take what she says seriously will help her realize she can’t shoot the breeze or make empty threats. It will remind her to take this conversation seriously – because you are going to take HER seriously.
Right now you aren’t taking her seriously, which is not only disrespectful and belittling, but she might also be taking that (unconciously) as permission to be ridiculous. Since isn’t she’s not going to be held accountable for her opinions or treated seriously anyways, she may as well just provoke you into an argument. If she feels like that is the only way to get to talk about this issue that is very important to her, then she might be willing to behave pretty badly just to feel like it’s getting discussed.
So, take from that a few new ground rules on how to approach this conversation:
Assume she is being honest with you – even when it’s tough and scary.
Tell her that is your assumption and your expectation from her.
Respect her ability to determine her own wants and needs – even if they seem crazy.
Stop belittling her, even silently in your own brain! It’s not going to help you build respectful or honest conversations.
Finally, if she says “If you really feel that way maybe we need to rethink the relationship.” Tell her “YES. We do.”. because it’s true. If you both feel honestly the way you say you, then you DO need to do some serious soul-searching (and if she is bluffing, you will have called her on it and you need to give her the opportunity to return to a serious, honest conversation about her wants and needs, and forgive her for using a hollow threat.)
I would humbly suggest to you that part your desire to not respect her position, to view her as crazy and unreasonable and unable to control her physical urges (all very belittling and slightly misogynist stands to take, even if they are true!) is a way of avoiding the worst possible part of the conversation: The part where she has said this might end your marriage. And it might. That isn’t going to go away because you don’t respect her opinion, and it isn’t going to go away if you ignore it.
That doesn’t change either your positions on the issue – yet. That simply changes the way you interact. You are aiming for the most terrifying kind of honesty now, and at the same time, you need to be the bigger person when she is behaving badly. I know I’m giving you a tall order.
Then there is the ‘convincing’ her. There a few approaches to take, although one I might favour would be the three month check-in. You both agree you can’t have a baby until she is done school, yes? Then put the conversation aside until six to three months before she graduates. Then, instead of trying to tackle the next five to seven years, try and set shorter terms goals together. Small, tackle-ably things. Set time aside for these conversations, and come prepared with the things you need to do in the next 3 months, and six months and a year, as a second list of things you’d like to do together, in the next 3 months, 6 months and year- Vacations, furniture purchases, visiting family, having friends over for dinner - all go on that list. Ask her to do the same. Compare and discuss your lists together, your goals for yourself and for the both of you. You might even find some of your personal goals surprise one another.
This achieves three things: It gives you a place to talk about the knowable future that takes more than babies into account, it helps her recognize the day to day and month to month steps you are taking towards the long term goals, and finally it will, hopefully encourage her to create some goals for herself. It’s been my life experience that most women who go baby-crazy in early twenties generally do it because they don’t have much else. Helping her to cultivate and indentify some of her own goals independent from motherhood, might help her to envision a happy baby-free life for a longer period of time than she can see right now.
Finally I’ll also say this, and please remember this comes from a 26 year old woman who doesn’t want kids AT ALL: No children for seven to ten years isn’t a very good compromise either, and one I wouldn’t advise a female friend of mine in your girlfriends position to accept purely on faith. If you love someone who has ‘being a mother’ at the center of their identity and how they wish to be in the world, asking them to wait for near a decade is probably not a reasonable expectation of them. Couple that with all the people I know in my life who have very happily had children while one person is working on thier Masters and PhDs - I have to say that although I understand your concerns - you are also becoming entrenched and unreasonable when you take a hardline position of "I can't be a father and a graduate student." That is very possible - it might not be the situation you most desire, and it certainly requires planning and sacrafice - but it is certainly within the doable.
If you go through the early work I’ve suggested on making this conversation a most honest and respectful one and she is still firm about her needs AND you wish to stay in the marriage, it might be a good time to take a deep breath and be willing to get radical about your personal plans.
Is there another country you could move too that would shorten your training time? What parts of medical practice attract you? Is nursing an option? Is a technical field, like working with medical imaging technology an option? Is a registered profession like physical therapy or occupational therapy of interest to you?
Finally, I’d ask you to remember that I’m giving advice to you, which makes it sound like I’m putting it all on you. And I am, because I’m not talking to her.
If I were talking to her I’d be giving her a novella long to-do list as well, but I’m talking to you. I’m talking to you with the assumption that you want to stay married, and that is going to mean changing your behaviour and your way of thinking, maybe even your long term plans – even if she is a selfish, unreasonable, brat who doesn’t change a damn thing – even if you are on the path to divorce.
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The Question
(I am fifteen, girl, sophomore. He is seventeen, boy, junior). So me and my ex have been broken up for about nine ish months? We dated for eight and had a reeeeally messy break up. While we were dating he, yes, had me pretty whipped. It's something I'm really not proud of. But he took advantage of that in a lot of ways and really hurt me... To sum it up he pressured/guilted me into physcial stuff, dumped me in a text, and told me he only stayed with me for so long cause he liked hooking up and he never actually liked me. Yet yeah, he had me whipped cause he reallly had me fooled that he loved me. He would actually force me to look him in the eye while he said he loved me... Didn't really think someone could lie to my face like that but ugh that's another story. Point is, I found out after we broke up that'd he'd talk a bunch of shit to his friends/baseball team. Just really disrespectful stuff you shouldn't be saying about your girlfriend. Anyway. Even though we’ve been broken up he will still mess with me. I’m pretty sure he gets enjoyment out of it. He'll just rip on me cause he knows I used to take it and he thinks I still will. Which okay... truth time: I'm not a very assertive person, he knows that, I don't know I'm just... a doormat. Or I used to be. For example, last week:
Him: Put some clothes on you look like a whore.
Me: You’re a dick.
Him: You love my dick.
Me: (quietly) Stop.
Him: Make me.
Me: Come on.
Him: You know what?
Him: I think I still have you whipped. I’m pretty sure I could get you do anything.
Me: You’re an idiot.
Him: If I dropped my pants right now would you suck me off?
Me: (attempted to push him away, he stopped me)
Him: I’m not gonna lie sweetie, you’re a tiny little thing. That’s probably not a good idea.
Me: Just let me go.
Him: I can’t take you seriously. You’re just so cute when you’re mad.
This is where he tries to pinch my cheek and I smack his hand away but he grabbed my wrist and pulled me up to him.
Me: Let go.
Him: (Laughing)
Me: Seriously, stop.
Him: Okay, okay. But remember, as much as you deny it you know you’re still mine.
UHM CREEPY?? Like I don’t even know what that means and I’m just so pissed off at him right now, like I honestly don’t even know what to do!! He’s basically dating this other girl so what the heck does he think he’s doing…? I want to talk to him but every time we talk he just has this way where as you can see from above, I can never find it in me to just REALLY tell him off. Sometimes I think he’s right. He gives me all this shit and I can never just yell at him. And it really takes a toll on me… I don’t want to talk to the school and I don’t want to get anyone else involved because I feel like I’m never gonna solve this problem until I can handle him myself. I need to do this for me. That last line has been in my head 24/7 for the past few days because I think he’s right. I need to talk to him and tell him I’m not his toy anymore but I’m scared I’m not gonna have the guts. Please help me… Tips, things to say? Anything.
The Answer
Stop talking to him, completely, and inform someone at your school. If the school doesn't listen to you, you speak to the cops.
The only victory you are going to have over him, is the victory of removing him from your life. (and best case scenario: the message that if he keeps behaving this way, he'll end up in the prison cell.)
His language alone is sexual abuse AND he physically assaulted you AND and he threatened to rape you.
This isn't a 'Oh I can handle it, he's just being a jerk." situation. This is a "He grabbed me and threatened to rape me!" situation.
He needs to be reported to someone with authority. For your own safety, for his girlfriend's safety, for the safety of every other female he might speak to in his life. He needs someone to come down on him hard for this behavoir, and that someone isn't going to be you.
There is nothing you can do, by yourself, to stop him from thinking it's okay to abuse women like this.
If you were an adult woman at and he was your co-worker, he'd be fired and you could press charges. If he were your boss, you would sue and he'd likely be fired and you could press charges. If he was a stranger who walked up to you in a public space and said anything like that, you could call the cops and he'd spend a few nights in prison at least and you could press charges.
The way you take control and solve it, is by speaking up and refusing to be his victim any longer. You must tell someone you can trust to take your report seriously.
It doesn't matter if you don't yell at him. If you don't scream or bite him. It doesn't matter if you started the conversation. He can't LEGALLY treat you that way. It's a crime.
Even if you wont report him (and you should) stay the hell of away from him and never speak to him again. Don't respond to messages. Don't say Hi. At least then you'll be removing him from your life.
And if he ever lays his hands as you again, break his nose.
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The Question
In my daughter's school there will eventually be a swimming unit coming up soon and both boys and girls have the class together. Isn' t kind of wrong to force young people to be in bathing suits in front of each other? Even if its one piece? I assumed they would be seperate. Daughter is in 8th grade by the way
The Answer
If you feel this is wrong for YOUR daughter, then tell the school as much.
I don't think it's wrong at all.
I think basic swimming skills are vital. It's just a safety thing, as straightforward as knowing how to use a fire extinguisher – everyone should know how to do it! I think its awesome the school is taking on the basic instruction, and exposing young kids to great workout swimming can be as well.
Sure, if I were in grade eight it would make me a bit nervous - but going to school bathroom in grade eight made me nervous. Trying on bras made me nervous. Wearing high heels made me nervous. At that age most people are nervous about their bodies and everything even a little bit sorta related to sexuality - better to accept that nervousness happens and deal with it then pretend they can just avoid any situations where they might feel nervous until they grow up. That doesn't make for happy kids, or well adjusted adults.
Talk to your daughter and LISTEN. Let her have her own nervousness and feelings about it; don’t project yours feelings onto her. If after really listening to her, you feel she is at risk or cannot participate in the swim class, speak to the school.
The best thing you can do for her is not hovering around and protecting her from ever possible second of awkwardness in her life – it’s to really listen to her feelings, at the same time as helping her to be able to handle reasonable expectations – like the expectation she attend swim class with the rest of her peers. If she were my daughter, I’d only remove her from the class if I felt she were at some risk of abuse due to a pre-existing bully problem. If it was the only the normal body anxieties she was experiencing, I’d want to help her to work through those feelings at the same time as fulfilling the expectations of her school work.
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The Question
I have this classmate and every boys in the class has a crush on her. It really annoys me, and maybe the other girls, too. And I'm afraid that I'll loose my guy friends if I tell my feelings about that girl. Is there anything I can do?
The Answer
Do you not like her because all the guys like her or is there another reason you don't like her?
If you think she isn't trustworthy or is mean, very gently and without being a bitch you can tell your closest guy friends "Yeah, I know you all really like her, but I don't think she is so nice."
Your close guy friends might apperciate what you, as a fellow girl, can see that they might not.
But if you just jealous, you'll need to let it go. All your guy friends will be able to tell you are just jealous and no one really likes that.
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The Question
Ok, a few years ago, my best friend got involved with this guy. I liked him when I first met him, but then I found out from several people that he was weird. So I convinced her to stop going out with him (they were never really "together"). Ok, he called her non-stop; she never picked up and he wouldn't take the hint. He even got her number and called her at work. Finally, I called him and told him it was over. She never heard from him again after that.
Now, however, I found out that he is dating my cousin's friend. I don't really know her, but I think I should warn her about him. This guy is a weirdo and a stalker, and I think any woman he comes in contact with should be warned about him. I just don't know if it is my place to tell her. Any help would be appreciated.
The Answer
It's really not your place.
If you feel REALLY strongly that there is something to be warned of, you can gently share your story with your cousin, but you MUST remembered that it was many years ago and this boy might have grown up quite a bit since then. Let your cousin decide if it's important to tell their friend, but you have absolutely no business intruding any further than that.
Calling someone at work is very inappropriate, and calling nonstop is very rude, but it sounds to me like your friend might not have given him a clear message of stop. He got the message �stop� when he spoke to you, which seems to say he IS capable of understanding that message, and behaving appropriately.
Nothing you said here implies the guy is a danger, just socially inept. Let your cousin � who knows her friend and her friends relationship better � decide if this matters at all, but tell her calmly and without calling him �stalker�. He didn�t stalk her, he was just a little weird and rude. People can grow out of being weird and rude, and he deserves a chance. Let your cousin � who knows her friend and likely has seen the couple together � be the judge if there is anything to pass on. But if what you wrote here is the whole story, it sounds to me to be just nasty gossip about an old mistake, not something a girl to be warned off of.
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