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Mom's control issues... are out of control! How do I deal?
20/f. With my mom, most of the time, it's either her way or the highway. She doesn't know how to compromise and when she doesn't get her way, she usually throws a tantrum. I mean, not anything serious. Just like doesn't speak to the person responsible for her not getting her way, locking herself in her room, telling people to leave her alone. I find it very difficult because I'm an adult now and I want to compromise with her like an adult. Let me give you an example. I'm in college, but I live at home. She likes to pick out clothes for me to wear to school. Not because she thinks I'm a baby but because she's really into fashion. She use to be a make-up artists and almost went to school for fashion merchandising/marketing. So, that's kind of her thing. So, I let her. But, I don't always like the same things she likes. Most of the time, i do because she has good taste. But, sometimes I don't. That's natural. So, if I don't want to wear what she wants me to wear, she claims that I hate her, I don't want to be anything like her, and gets mad. If I do something to my hair without "consulting" with her first, she claims that I don't want her to be a part of my life. So she got a facebook account and spies on the guy Iike, looks through all his wall, pictures, etc and then reports to me. I NEVER asked her to do that. In fact, I don't really want to know. I just like him. He's not my boyfriend... yet ;)... or my husband... yet ;). haha. But, you get what I mean. It's not like she has to spy because I'm married or because she thinks I'm secretly sneaking out with him. I'm 20! When I've tried to talk to her about stopping this behavior, she gets REALLY pissed off. She won't speak to me for hours and then when I speak to her and tell her to forget about it, she's like "YAY, LETS GO SHOPPING" or something like that and doesn't let me ever tell her how I feel about what she's doing.
To make an extremely long story short, I had some "control issues" about a year and a half ago because my mom was worst than she is now. I went anorexic and while I was that thin, I bleached my hair (mom's idea), and a lot of it fell out. Now, I have hair extensions. I've had them for about a year and a lot of my hair has grown back and is REALLY NICE. It's even my natural color, which is like a very pretty ash brown. While I have the extensions on, my mom won't let me brush my own hair or blow dry it or anything. She has possession of it pretty much. I almost lost my life because of control issues, and now she still has control over me, probably more than before because I use to do my own hair at least, when I was anorexic. I do appreciate the fact that she does my hair for me. That's sweet. But, I think it's gotten beyond the point of grateful, and now I'm more upset than anything because I need my own space and she doesn't understand or believe it. I just don't know what to do or how to handle her because she's not a person you can talk to about her behavior. What can I do? Please help me because right now I can't move out of my house until fall because that's the next time I can get a dorm. Sometimes I wish I would have left for college but everything is here, you know. I love my school, I have a full scholar ship and I'm halfway done, so I'm not going to transfer now. Can anyone give me any suggestions. And please don't say move out because right now, I don't have the money. I need to know how to deal with her while I'm still here.
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You need to stop letting her do this.
If she locks herself in her room and cries, go make yourself a sandwich. You need to stop taking responsibility for her fucked up emotional life. If she wants to make herself sick with unhappiness, that is her business. You can't save her from it.
If she screams "You hate me!"
Tell her "Of course I don't, but I do hate when you behave this way. So this conversation is over until your tantrum is done."
And go close your door.
If she pouts and ignores you for a few hours. Fine! Enjoy the silence. When she feels like not being a bitch, she’ll come back to you.
Stop talking to her about her behaviour. Instead, stop accepting the behaviour that is inappropriate.
Comb your own damn hair, when she complains, walk away from her.
You are letting her walk all over you because she is crazy. Stop being responsible for her crazy. Let her be crazy, in some other room of the house. You are accepting this behaviour from her because you feel it’s easier to take it than to tell her you won’t take it anymore. That’s fine, but that’s the choice you are making. If you want the situation to change, you are going to have to the very scary and stressful thing of changing your response to her. There is no easy way to do that. You just have to dive in and not give in.
And work on moving out ASAP. Make a plan to move out before the fall if it at all possible. It will be difficult to become truly healthy while living in this unhealthy environment.
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